Down the Shore (1992–1993): Season 1, Episode 11 - Atlantic City - full transcript

? Oh, I know that it's getting late ?

? but I don't wanna go home ?

? I'm in no hurry, baby, time can wait ?

? 'cause I don't wanna go home ?

? I know we had to try

? to reach up and touch the sky, baby ?

? whatever happened to you and I? ?

? and I don't wanna go ?

? oh, baby

? I don't wanna go home ?

What else can we do?



We could go
to the Berkeley Carteret Hotel.

The Belmar Ladies' Auxiliary

is having a fashion show.

Why would I pay $4 to watch mrs. Kushner

walk down a ramp in clam diggers?

How about miniature golf then?

I stink at that game.

You don't know how humiliating
it is to get out of the way

and let 6-year-olds play through.

I don't want to discuss it, Aldo.

You know I don't gamble.

How come?

Because gambling is a disease
that preys on human weakness.

People who love gambling are looking



for a quick cure for
their pathetic lives.

Ladies, want to go to Atlantic City?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I rest my case.

I don't know, al.

I'm not a gambler.

Last time I gambled,
I ate a chicken cutlet

That had been in the fridge for a month.

I lost.

We could do stuff besides gambling.

Like?

Like look around.

It's vulgar, tacky, tasteless.

I love it.

Don't forget the shows.

I saw a great show
called "Legendary ladies".

Women come out dressed as
Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Cher.

Let me tell you.

They're hotter than the real thing.

Uh, Aldo, those are men.

What?

"Legendary ladies"...

Those are men dressed as women.

I saw it on "Sally Jessy".

I was sitting way in the back.

Come on, Zack. What will I do?

I'll throw a couple of nickels
in the slot machine

then maybe hit a buffet or two.

All right, I'll go.

Good.

Let me tell you something.

Don't come to me for money.

Don't worry, Zack.

That's like going to Dan Quayle
for spelling lessons.

Look at this place.

It's like "Lifestyles
of the rich and famous".

Hi. How are you doing?

Wow. It's sort of like Monte Carlo night

At St. Rose's,

except the pit boss
isn't wearing a habit.

Hi. How about a drink?

Me? Well, I don't know you really.

She's a waitress, Eddie.

Here you go, honey.

What's that for?

That's for just being you.

I can see why you wanted to come here.

It's so glamorous.

Some guy's trying to sell his kidney.

This crap table's got out name on it.

So, where's the showroom?

Look at this.

It's the double-knit twins.

That's just my point.

People dress like this
because they have to.

They're risking money
they can't afford to lose.

They're chasing rainbows,
riding false hopes.

They've been sucked
into this fantasy--

[bells ringing]

Hello, everybody!
I'm mrs. Cash Money!

Whoa!

[buzzers buzzing]

How about everybody kicks in 20 bucks

and we can get some action going?

Eddie, are you crazy?

That's six haircuts for you.

I might as well try it.

Here, Donna. Buy some chips.

Oh, O.K.

I'll take some red ones.

Ooh, I like those green ones.

Ooh, and I'll take some purple ones.

They're not jellybeans.

I thought we were going
to walk on the boardwalk.

We just got here.

There's plenty of time for that.

What about the buffet?

Um...

Let me just roll the dice once.

O.K.

Eddie, roll them bones.

New shooter coming up.

Is that me?

You've got them, big man.

Well, then...

That's enough shaking, Eddie.

It's not a malted.

7. Winner!

All right!

Don't want them to run out of shrimp.

Zack, I can't leave now.

I might be hot.

Same shooter coming up.

Come on, big man.

Yo! 11!
Big man wins again.

Great!

Hey, shooter. What's your name?

They call me the big man.

How about this curtain,
ladies and gentlemen?

Before they hung it up,
it was Ethel Merman's shroud.

I'm reading a good book,
"The history of crazy glue".

I can't put it down.

Ha ha ha ha!

What do I got to do for you?

Stick a feather in my tuchas?

[uncontrollable laughter]

[coughing]

Thank you, sir.

You just hocked up your gallbladder.

[laughing]

Waitress, bring my friend an iron lung.

How much are we ahead here?

Never count your money

while you're sitting at the table.

? there'll be time enough for counting ?

? when the dealing's done

O.K., Donna.

? you gotta know when to hold 'em ?

? know when to fold 'em ?

O.K., Donna.

? know when to walk away ?

? know when to run

O.K., Donna. O.K., Donna.

Roll, Eddie.

Arden...

What?

Would you blow on these for good luck?

Do what he says. He's on a roll.

7. Winner, big man!

Yes!

7!

[sabre dance plays]

[drum roll]

[cymbals]

How'd he do it?

You don't want to know.
It'd ruin it.

The amazing Joel, ladies and gentlemen!

Isn't he wonderful?

Warm up the car.

Some show, huh?

Could I buy you a, um...

Peach flying carpet?

Sounds great.

Hi. I'm Zack Singer.

Nancy Wyman.

Excuse me, sir. Don't leave yet.

In 10 minutes, we're doing an amputation.

If he keeps going, I'm volunteering.

? shoo be do do bop

? do be doo doo

? shoo be do do bop

? do be doo doo

? shoo be do do bop...

You went to union college.

I went to Albany.

What year did you graduate?

'87.

I was '89.

Did you eat at Sutter's?

Best hamburger in the world.

What do you do?

I'm in public relations.

I'm here for a convention.

I'm with some friends,
but they're probably in bed.

[scattered applause]

Thank you.

And now, it's our great pleasure

to perform for you

our tribute to a very special friend...

Mr. Neil Diamond.

Want to go out?

Anywhere.

How about we start with the casino?

Actually, I don't gamble.

Come on. It'll be fun.

That's how it starts.

We'll have a few laughs.

Next thing you know

Pauly the Cheese is cutting off my thumb.

? you...

? don't bring me flowers ?

? you don't sing me...

? love songs...

I always have another thumb.

And that's for you...

And that's for you...

And for you.

Get yourself a new stick.

Thanks, big man.

Don't mention it.

Big man's going for the record.

How will you spend your share?

Land, Donna.
It's the only thing that lasts.

Eddie, hard 10 would be beautiful.

Yeah, a hard 10.

Very hard 10.

A 10 made of granite.

Here we go!

7 loser.

7 loser?

7 winner.

What happened to 7 winner?

That's only on the come-out.

I came out. I'm out.

Did you see me go back in?

It's O.K. You did great.

How much are we ahead now?

Uh, we're...Not.

What did we have before that roll?

About $1,200.

What do we have?

Almost $9.

You bet everything on one roll?

Don't blame me. Eddie crapped out.

Crapped out? I'm the big man, aren't I?

You're now little big man.

Give me those $9.

We got to split it.

I can't believe it.

I was the big man.

Remember?

The big man.

Come on, Eddie.

Let it go.

How are you doing?

Ready to play blackjack?

Um, we're going home.

Yeah. Eddie lost all our money.

I can't leave.

Why?

I'll get a bus later. I'm trying my luck.

Hey, what's going on?

What happened to rabbi Singer?

Hi.

I think I'm reformed now.

Look, he can't be that hard to find.

He's 27.

He's got brown hair

and a port wine birthmark on his hip.

We were in gym together.

What's going on?
It's 6:00 in the morning.

Zack never came home.

I'm really worried.
Maybe something happened.

Maybe the mob rubbed him out.

For betting $2 at a $5 table.

You never know.

Eddie, let us go back to bed.

[car pulling up]

Oh, my god!

A stretch limo!

It's him.

He looks fine.

So does she.

Hi.

Let me take a wild guess here.

You won.

This woman is a genius.

She told me when I should hit,
when I should stick,

when to stop kissing my chips.

They had to sponge off the table.

We started with 50 bucks.

By the end, we had so much money

my picture was taken with Telly Savalas.

What a night. We won a ton of money,

we had a gourmet dinner,
I bought a new suit,

and I met a wonderful woman.

Man! What did you have for dinner?

We've been up all night.

Do you think we could...

Could we?

I think we could.

I think we should.

I think we must!

Good night, everybody!

[squeaking]

It's been three hours.

When is this going to stop?

Well, he's been saving up.

This must be a world record.

Actually, the record was set
in my dorm room in 1987

on "January 17th...

"and 18th...

And 19th."

Don't they realize

What that must sound like down here?

Is somebody hanging a picture?

I'm starting to lose my appetite.

[squeaking stops]

Thank god.

[squeaking resumes]

Wow.

Zack.

Oh!

Wow!

Zack.

[squeaking stops]

"honorable mention."

Can you believe it?

Before we went to Atlantic City,

Zack was mr. Self-righteous,

Mr. Morality.

And now look.

He left here Jerry Falwell

and he came back Jimmy Swaggart.

Good morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Can I get you something--

Some eggs, some toast...

Some ben gay?

And what is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Nothing.

All right.

All right.

A little decorum here.

Yeah, that's pretty funny

coming from the little drummer boy.

So, where is she?

In the shower.

I want the story.
Details. Come on. Let's go.

It was unbelievable.

Whatever I did, she loved.

Whatever she did, I loved.

Whatever I did,
I loved.

Whatever she did, she loved.

Whatever we did--

O.K.! I'm eating here.

I want to thank you guys.

If you hadn't convinced me

to go to Atlantic City,

I never would've had
the best time or met Nancy.

She's beautiful, she's smart,

She's funny, she's...

Durable.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.
I'm making breakfast.

Would you like to have someone--
something.

Nancy, you're dressed already.

I have to get back.

I only have a few minutes.

Oh, well, we'll leave you two alone then.

Why do you have to go back so soon?

I've got to rest before work later.

Work on Sunday?

It's my best day.

The church thing.
People want to rebel.

Listen, I felt funny taking money
from your wallet, so...

Taking money from my wallet?

Why would you do that?

You can charge it if you want.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no!

Are you...

You're not a...

Are you a hoo...
Hoo...

Am I a hooker?

Is that what you're asking me?

No, I'd never ask you that.

That's a terrible thing to ask,

but as long as you brought it up.

Of course I am.

Oh, my god!

What did you think?

You said you were in public relations,

there for a convention,

your friends were in bed.
I'm an idiot!

Why would I ask if you
wanted to go out?

Because that's what anybody says

when they hear a Neil Diamond
medley coming up.

You thought last night
was two people meeting

and hitting it off?

Yes.

What world are you from?

From the world of idiots, obviously.

The idiot planet!
I'm the president.

This has never happened to me before.

Me neither, believe me.

Look, under the circumstances,

if that's really what you thought,

you don't have to pay.

Well, gee, that's a lovely gesture.

But I insist.

After all, this is your livelihood.

This'll be like uncle Saul--

Did my father's taxes for years.

Wouldn't take a dime.
Drove dad nuts.

But you don't look like uncle Saul.

He looks like a squid.

Listen, Zack, I got to go.

Don't I at least get a discount

for supplying the condoms?

Thanks, Zack.

Wait. Can I just ask you a question?

Was anything that happened
this weekend real?

I mean...

I felt like there was something
going on between us.

I'm not talking about the sex.

I...

But, you know...

I was starting to feel something,

and it seemed like you
were feeling it, too.

That's my job, Zack.

Goodbye.

Is she gone?

Yeah.

How much was it?

What?

Must've used most of your winnings.

How did you know?

What do you mean?
You didn't know?

How could I have?

You met a single beautiful woman

in the worst lounge
in the worst casino in Atlantic City.

What did you think
she was doing there--

scouting acts for "The Tonight Show"?

I knew I never should've gone
to Atlantic City!

I never should've listened to you guys!

10 minutes ago you thanked us

for the time of your life.

Well, I plead temporary insanity.

Now I'll live by my own rules!

I don't understand you.

You got a new suit.
You had a great meal.

You drank the world's
best champagne.

You met a beautiful girl.

You had the most
incredible sex of your life.

And then you had it again!

The beauty part is it was free.

You won it.

That is so like you.

Did it occur to you
I might've cared about her?

Felt something?

No.

O.K., O.K., so you cared about her.

You felt something.

But you took a chance,
and you had a great time.

It didn't turn out perfect,

But it's got to be better

Than never having done it at all.

Let me tell you something.

Last night at the crap table,

Eddie held onto the dice for an hour.

We had over $1,200 in chips.

In one throw, we lost it all.

If you ask Eddie what he remembers
about last night,

It's that for one hour
he was "the big man."

You see, that's your problem, Zack.

You'd rather hold on
to the one second you lost something

Than the "3 hours and 47 minutes"

That you were the big man!

Hey.

Hey, Eddie, what do you remember
most about last night?

I missed the buffet.