Doom Patrol (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Episode #4.5 - full transcript
Any change?
Nope, still asleep.
You found him?
Yeah, I think so.
You need back up?
No, no. I can handle it.
You need to be here to...
Could you just...
Could you give her a hug for me?
In case she wakes up
before I get back.
You just concentrate
on getting Keeg.
Then hurry home and you
can hug her yourself.
♪ You made me colorblind ♪
♪ No masquerade to
hide behind It's cold ♪
♪ To think I have
no key Which could ♪
♪ Make or break me ♪
♪ So tired ♪
♪ To see your lights on ♪
♪ So tired ♪
♪ Of standing anxiously ♪
♪ So tired ♪
♪ It's the death of me ♪
♪ So tired of doors
That keep on shutting ♪
♪ Why's your door always shut ♪
♪ Smitten ♪
♪ I close my eyes
To your door ♪
♪ Smitten ♪
♪ I close my eyes
To your door ♪
♪ So sad To think
it's memories ♪
♪ And so tired of doors
That keep on shutting ♪
♪ Smitten ♪
Are you fucking serious?
Which one of you bitches...
Okay. Okay, fine. I
get it.
What I was doing
was a little weird,
maybe it was wrong,
and dangerous,
but like, Chinchillas
do it and shit,
so like, really can it be...
Is it really that fucking bad?
I... Fuck!
No.
Shit.
I know better, and I know
things are all fucked up for us.
And you guys are right.
Maybe I shouldn't be...
But that doesn't give
you the right, though.
It just doesn't give you the
right to just pull me down here
out of fucking nowhere
without warning and just...
What are you talking about?
No one pulled you down here.
Sorry, what?
Yeah, you just showed
up on your own.
Wait. What were
you doing exactly?
Um...
Nothing. Yeah, nothing.
Just, um... Yeah, I was just...
Okay.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh, yeah.
It looks like the old girl
still got some life left in her.
Yeah. I bet you will have her in
tip-top shape before you know it.
Easy now, she's
still a bonafide hunk of shit.
But, um...
Thank you, Laura.
I think this is the nicest thing
that anyone's ever done for me.
Ah! After hearing you go on
and on about your daddy issues,
your grand-daddy issues and your
tactile sensations, how could I not?
I didn't realize I was going
on and on about it, but...
Just saying that you know,
the best cure for the body is a quiet mind.
Everyone deserves their
own private slice of peace.
I hope she gives you many hours
in which to lose yourself in.
Holy shit!
The radio still works.
So, what have you
lot been up to?
Willoughby?
It's like that fuzzy
little cunt said.
The whole world is
abuzz with chatter.
Immortus is rising, and just like
everything else in the godforsaken universe,
it all leads back to you lot.
Uh, who the fuck's Immortus?
Gather the others.
I'm not repeating myself.
What was that?
Ageing spots?
No.
Oh, no.
Oh.
It's okay, bud. I can
feel you. I'm coming.
What the...
Keeg, just... just hold on.
Oh, God.
By all means, just
help yourself.
Top left.
Finally.
Morning, princess.
Why do you look so sweaty?
I don't know, why do
you look so boring?
All right. Something very big and
very dangerous is headed our way.
I can assure you, it is far
bigger, and far more dangerous
than anything you bellends
have ever seen before.
- Ooh.
- "Bellend."
I thought it was
all just legend.
Tall tales...
about an ancient forgotten God.
But, as it turns out, Immortus
is real. And it's coming.
We're wandering into the
literal end of days as we speak.
Uh, actually, we took care of
the end of the world last week.
Consider the butts
wiped. Front to back.
I'm not talking about
some arses with teeth!
This is an
inter-dimensional deity
capable of swallowing the
entirety of existence whole!
This could be the end of
reality as we know it.
Oh, fuck me senseless
and call me Martha.
The Immortus Project!
At the Bureau. I knew I'd
heard that name before.
It was some kind of experiment,
a pursuit of immortality.
But as I recall it, it didn't
amount to anything, so.
Actually, that's
exactly why I'm here.
Caulder always swore he had a piece
of Immortus. I never believed him.
And yet here I am, amidst the
results of his little pet enterprise:
The Immortus Project.
Well, except for
you and tracksuit.
Wait, what do you
mean by "results"?
You're the project.
A long time ago,
a piece of the fabled
deity was procured,
passing through many hands in
many shady dealings and backrooms.
Whispers proclaimed that it
held the secrets of immortality.
Whoever adorned it would be gifted
with an unnaturally long life.
That same piece came to be in
the hands of one Eric Morden.
Mr. Nobody?
Exactly.
And he had it right
up until he was shot
by the famous
adventurer, scientist,
and certifiable bastard
that we all know,
or rather, knew as...
Fuckin' Chief.
Had it around his
neck for years.
That was, until he went
all Honey I Shrunk the Kids
and he needed it
to bail you out.
But before all of that,
small pieces of the necklace
were shaved off and mixed in with
the sugar, spice and all things nice
that make up Larry, Rita, Cliff,
and little miss manic
pixie over there.
I mean, haven't
you ever wondered
why you've looked exactly
the same for decades?
Longevity. A la Immortus.
So what now? Immortus
wants his pieces back?
Look at that. Quick as ever,
even without a super
computer jammed up your arse.
Mm.
There was a break-in at Horst
Eismann's a few weeks ago.
Millions of dollars
of bits-and-bobs
and the only thing that was
stolen was the necklace.
Safe to say, whoever's working
for Immortus now has it
and is looking for
the other pieces.
And before you ask, yes.
The pieces inside of you
can still be extracted,
like gold, or uranium,
or a blackhead.
So, and this is the
really important bit,
just so long as you don't
lose your longevity,
the necklace cannot be reconstituted.
And Immortus cannot rise.
So what does the extraction
process look like exactly?
What?
Uh, well, you know, is it like someone
getting sucked into their own filmography?
Or maybe, is attacked by a
weirdo named Dr. Janus...
Who also happens to be
an emotional vampire.
There are no depths to your
collective stupidity, are there?
Come on, Niles,
you crazy old bat.
There must be something.
Ugh.
"Fountain of youth."
"10 Ways to Stay Young
and Keep Him Interested."
Ugh!
Ooh.
"Experimental." "Untested."
Hello.
Let's see
what you can do.
Jesus Christ!
What the hell
happened to your face?
I think we got bigger
problems than that right now.
- What's happening?
- That's me, let go.
What is happening?
What the yee-haw fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Oh, my God! Look who's
got metal back!
Shut up, Hot Topic.
Yes! It worked! It
actually worked!
Although, I can't recall
the last time I wore...
Oh, my God. 1937.
That was a de-aging spell you...
Whatever the female
equivalent of a dick-head is!
Clit-head?
Uh, well, excuse me.
If Cliff didn't rushed in
like some brainless buffoon...
Hey! How is this my fault?
Hold up. Did you just
say "de-aging spell"?
Yes, you daft cunts. We're
all teenagers again. Duh.
Uh, that's bullshit 'cause we
all pretty much look the same.
Do you feel the same?
Kinda. Except I also
feel like pounding a metric ton
of Taco Bell and whacking off.
Do you need a mirror? 'Cause you
still look like 1,000 years old.
Clearly, it's not a very
good de-aging spell.
Probably why it
was in a locked box
marked "experimental,"
"untested," and "dangerous."
By the way, aging works a little
differently for Chaos Magicians.
How does your hairline not come in
until you're at least a million?
Ha! Burn!
For your information,
teenage Chaos Magicians are
notoriously folically gifted.
Wow.
Wow.
Does aging work differently
for bird-lady ottomans too?
Oh, no. I just...
I held my breath.
Years old Bureau
training kicked in.
"If you see a cloud of smoke, don't
breathe, don't choke." It's simple.
No, no.
This is a Khepri hex. This
is bad. Really, really bad.
Ah...
What the hell?
State your name.
Rama, sir.
Do you go
by any other names?
Mr. 104, sir.
When and where
were you born, Mr. 104?
1928, Tamil Nadu.
In India, sir.
At the height of
the British Raj.
What made you decide
to move to London?
I wanted to study the
physical sciences, sir.
Organic chemistry, specifically.
Is this
truly your story?
I'm sorry, sir?
Everything you've
just said to me.
Do you believe this
information to be true?
Yes, sir. I swear, sir.
Remarkable.
Subjects, enter.
Mr. 104, you can begin with air
augmentation experiment now.
Now, sir?
Commence with air augmentation,
Mr. 104, as instructed.
- But they're...
- They're Agents of the Bureau.
Everything that happens here is in service of
our freedom, Mr. 104. They understand that.
- Yes, but...
- Our nation's freedom is paramount.
Do you understand, Mr. 104?
Yes, sir.
Good. Begin air augmentation.
What the...
Experiment complete.
Thank you, Mr. 104.
That'll be all.
"Not Polly." We meet again.
Keeg!
I understand you're confused,
and you think I'm your enemy.
I just want my kid.
Please, just let him go.
You think I'm doing
this on purpose?
I've been trying
to get rid of him.
No matter what I
do, he won't leave.
Once again my work has
gone unappreciated.
Well, I for one think
we all look fabulous.
Well, except for Vic.
But I'm sure,
um, when you get those
things out of your mouth...
Will you just shut the fuck up?
I'm trying to find her.
I'm fucking stripped.
Oh, I can barely get this
location spell to work.
Oh, of course.
Is it true your kind don't
get your proper magic
till you've lost your virginity?
Dude! Your V-seal grew back?
And so what? Why should
we fight this anyway?
We should be enjoying our
time as virile youths.
Gross.
Except that we don't
have any time at all.
You didn't stumble into any old
run-of-the-mill youthification spell, Rita.
This is a curse.
And it'll keep on de-aging us. First
teenagers, then children, then babies.
All the way back to that little
spark in your daddy's eye.
And then, well, nothing.
We'll be jizzified?
Ugh.
My old mentor, Ms. April.
She's the only one that I trust
to help us out of this mess.
So if I can just have two
fucking seconds of silence,
I might be able to find
her teleporting tea room.
Right. So we can take you there
to get your V-card punched. Nice.
That's not what I meant.
Ah. There she is.
Toledo.
Isn't that like two towns over?
Pedal to the metal,
Cliff. Fast as you can.
Road trip! Woo-hoo!
Welcome
back, Captain Trainor.
Keeg. Keeg, stop this.
Can you hear me? Stop this.
Subjects, enter.
No, no. Keeg.
No, no, no. Please!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Time is of the essence!
Got it, Dad!
Hey, get me a hot dog.
Ooh, and a couple of
Paydays. And some Takis.
Fucking nerd.
Teen metabolism.
- So, BFF...
- Ew.
Do you think we'd be friends if
we were in high school together?
- Ha!
- What?
- Weren't you like a popular kid or some shit?
- So?
Whatever.
I wasn't even around back then.
I'm glad I skipped high school
and that whole "awkward
hormonal stage" bullshittery.
Aw, come on! It's not all bad.
The "awkward hormonal stage" is kind
of what makes a person who they are.
The chaos, the confusion,
the lakeside fingerings,
the mistakes... All of it.
Really?
Drinking in playgrounds,
and copping a feel
behind the bleachers
made you who you are?
Yeah. Actually, I think
some of that stuff saved me.
Hm.
- Anyway, speaking of hormones...
- Oh, God.
I haven't forgotten about
our little conversation...
Hey!
Come on.
Hey, Euphoria, can I get a hit?
Well, excuse me.
Can I have an introduction or
something before we swap spit?
Yeah, I'm Jane.
- This is, Cliff.
- Howdy?
Love the
Woodstock core vibes.
And the whole yassified
cyber-cowboy thing.
Super cute.
- Uh...
- Fuck yes, dude.
You look like my racist grandpa
but, like, fresh as fuck.
Why, thank you, dude.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Yeah, okay, cool. So,
introduction's over...
- Ahem...
- Oh, hold on.
We're actually in need of
a little favor ourselves.
A six-pack of lite beer
for these basic bitches
and a bottle of the
finest brandy for me.
I bet your tall friend
never gets carded.
What do you say?
Okay.
Yeah, whatever, sure, it's cool.
Wow, okay.
Actually...
Okay.
No.
After you, dear leader.
Rita...
Rita.
I just wanna talk to you
about this leadership thing.
If you think I'm going
to have a heart-to-heart with you
while a used condom stares at me
from a broken diaper
changing table,
you've got another thing coming.
This
will all be over soon.
We'll go to Ms. April's
and she'll fix everything.
I will be my ol' normal
self, before Janus.
Did Willoughby say
she could fix this?
The aging?
I just assume...
Okay, uh, you're gonna have to
lower your expectations here.
Niles spent almost a century
searching for a way to
stop the aging process.
There were experiments,
expeditions,
you know, if there was
an answer out there
that didn't have a hex attached
to it, he would've found it.
But he didn't.
Rita?
Rita?
Where are you going?
Where she going?
Just go on, we'll catch up.
No. That's not the plan.
Fuck's sake, what now?
Heads up.
Yo, where's my Takis?
Takis? Interesting.
Enchante.
While you two were mucking
around, we lost Rouge and Rita.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Yeah, that's too bad.
But, great news, our new BFFs,
Charlie, Jeremy and Winona
were just mentioning
this super-cool party.
Are you
out of your mind?
We're on a mission
here, remember?
Immortus?
End of reality?
Man, why
is this shit always on us anyway?
It's always, "You guys have
to defeat the eye in the sky
or it'll delete everyone."
Oh, yeah, I
forgot about that.
That shit was fucking bananas.
That happened during
our homecoming.
- Oh, my God, what?
- Oh, shit.
- You're so right.
- Shut up!
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up, shut up!
We're getting in the car,
without the cast of Freaks
and Geeks after dark.
We're gonna see Ms. April,
so I don't have to go back to my
father's hairy gooch. You understand?
Square.
Excuse me?
Square.
Square.
Square. Square. Square.
Virgin. Virgin.
Virgin. Virgin.
Virgin. Virgin.
Fine! Fine!
We can go for five minutes.
- My man.
- Yes!
Fuck, yeah!
Let me out.
Please let me go.
Begin experiment.
No. Oh, please. Please.
Keeg, stop this, please! No.
Get away from me. Get away.
We have to get out
of here, please.
Please.
Oh, God.
Keeg. Keeg. Make it stop.
Please. No. Please.
Keeg, make it stop!
Make it stop, please!
Keeg, make it stop.
Make it stop, please.
Please make it stop, Keeg.
No!
Get away from me!
- It's okay.
- Don't touch me.
It's okay. Just breathe.
In and out.
Keep going.
I can turn my skin to lead.
You can't hurt me.
Just breathe.
♪ Another cog In
the murder machine ♪
♪ They said "All teenagers scare
The living shit out of me ♪
♪ They could care less As
long as someone'll bleed" ♪
♪ So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose ♪
♪ Maybe they'll leave
you alone But not me ♪
Is this legal?
Not for long.
Who wants to put
molly in my tank hole?
Whoo! Yeah!
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Loosen up, Taki boy.
Yeah, loosen up.
Oh, I can loosen up.
Prove it.
Loose enough?
Booyah, baby!
♪ Doesn't anyone dance
In this town no more? ♪
♪ Why am I the only one
On the dancefloor? ♪
♪ The DJ's killin'
it Drinks is poured ♪
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Let's do this.
Chug, chug, chug!
♪ I like to get it started ♪
♪ I'm spendin' all my money ♪
♪ I'm not leavin'
'Til mornin' ♪
Chug, chug, chug!
♪ I don't like none Of
y'all hoes, I'm bored ♪
Ooh!
Ooh!
Holy shit.
Are you smiling?
Guilty.
Okay, we should probably
get going now, right?
Shut up and puff.
It's Willoughby's.
Wizard-grade kush.
Shit.
I knew it.
Nerd.
What?
I just had a feeling you were
a cliche, goody-two-shoes.
You know.
Teacher's pet.
Captain of the sports and shit.
Right, right. Yeah.
What were you like?
Actually I don't know.
Miranda was the teenager
and Kay shit me out of
her brain way later.
So, I guess you could say this is
my first experience in teenage-hood.
Nice.
So...
what's the verdict?
It's like...
a janky carnival ride
that makes you wanna puke,
but also one you
don't wanna get off.
Yeah, sounds like you're
having a genuine experience.
Great.
So being a kid is just as
complicated as everything else.
Yeah.
But some
things are simple...
Pure.
Friendship for instance.
Detroiticons!
When I was
in middle school,
I made the most genuine friends
I could've ever asked for.
All the complicated shit
felt easier because of it.
Are these the friends you
went to see the other day?
Yeah.
It's just different now.
I left it too long, I guess.
Shit's fucked up.
Man, fuck that.
If I had even the smallest promise
of a connection like that out there,
I'd do everything it
took to get it back.
Yeah, well...
I got a few things on my plate.
You know, the Butts, Immortus.
Look, let me tell you something.
I'm starting to think
that the world's always
gonna need rescuing.
But you gotta wonder...
when you're out there
saving the planet,
who the fuck is recuing you?
You're so high right now.
I'm pretty lit, yeah.
You are so lit.
- But you're also very right.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Adios, amigo.
Godspeed.
Kay.
Kay.
I'm sorry.
I know I fucked up.
But what's new, right?
I should've known better.
I shouldn't even be thinking
about her or anyone else.
And I definitely shouldn't be
treating this body like it was mine.
I haven't even been
around long enough
to see it...
grow...
how it's changed.
It's not mine.
It's yours.
It's always been yours.
I'm sorry.
It's our body, Jane.
Fuck.
I am super-high.
Willoughby!
Jane?
♪ Am I talking to you Or am
I talking to the drugs? ♪
♪ Am I talking to you Or am
I talking to the drugs? ♪
Shit!
This is so unfair.
And of course you're
perfectly fine.
You always are.
Rita...
The spell didn't
work on me, I just...
saw myself as a
teenager and I, I...
couldn't.
It was...
a horrible time for me.
A time I'd... rather forget.
So, I used my ability
to change back.
But, um,
underneath this, I'm very much
not fine, Rita, believe me.
Oh, that is so typical.
What?
You are such a control freak.
I'm the control freak?
I wish I had your power.
Then I could be
anything, anyone.
I could disappear forever and
no one would be able to find me.
Okay. It's... it's
not that simple.
Whatever.
You know, a long time ago, when
people found out about my power,
they didn't react the way
you'd expected them to.
I lost a lot of them. People
I thought that I mattered to.
And, you know, when people
think about their teenage years,
they think about their first
loves, staying out late,
dreaming big dreams...
but, for me it was different.
I think of that freckled-faced
girl I used to be and I...
I have this...
like, burning,
piercing hurt...
right here.
My mother used to always say
that heartbreak stains the soul.
Well, I believe that to be true.
Except, for me, it's different.
It's...
like a void.
A chasm...
standing between me...
and any hope of finding a
true, meaningful connection.
Maybe that's why
I am the way I am.
Maybe by now, I'm the chasm.
What about me?
We used to be good
friends, didn't we?
Rita.
When I felt alone
and lost, and like I
didn't even know myself,
you're the one person that made me
feel like everything was gonna be okay.
I miss that.
I miss you.
But things are different now.
You hurt me.
And I'll never have my best
friend back ever again.
I miss you, too.
And I never stopped thinking
about how I hurt
you and I am so...
so sorry, Rita.
I am.
There's not a day that goes
by that I don't think about
how I... I hurt you,
what I did to you,
to Malcolm, and the Sisterhood.
And I...
I don't deserve an
ounce of forgiveness
and I never will.
I never will.
I am so, so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Chug! Chug!
Cliff. Hey.
- Jane?
- Yes, it's me, poop-bot.
- Oh, hey, Jane, what's up?
- We have to go, now.
Um, who brought the
little vibe killers?
It's cool. It's cool,
they're with me.
Party on, party people.
Party on!
I know you're having
a jolly old time
but we have to find
Ms. April right now,
before this gets any worse.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
- Cliff, come on.
- Leave me alone.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you being so weird?
Because I am weird, Jane. Okay?
I am a weirdo.
Look at my hand.
Have you ever seen me without
this stupid oven mitt on?
That's weird.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
It's all right,
guys. We're cool, we're cool.
I'm cool. We're
cool. I'm cool.
What say we take this
party to a new location?
Numero dos.
Are you crazy?
You're gonna pick
some burnout teens
to go party with over your
actual fucking friends?
"Actual friends"?
You mean the "actual friends" who
just want me to punch shit for them?
The "actual friends" who didn't
even care to ask if I'm doing okay
when, clearly, I am not.
Party on, party people!
Where the hell is Vic?
Just pause it a second.
What the...
Derick... it's me Vic.
Vic?
That wasn't the first time I've seen
it, you know, a piece of your past.
Great.
It's actually
quite illuminating.
Seems to me you have a
little guardian angel.
You mean Keeg?
And the spirit before him.
I see you've been
through a lot together.
I joined Dr. Janus
because I wanted to
stop causing suffering.
But here I am.
I'm a beacon for it.
What... what do you mean by
"stop causing suffering"?
I'm trying to
reverse my condition.
The things that my body
can do, it's taking a toll.
There are misfires
from the changing compositions.
One day I might not
be able to control it.
What then?
A mass extinction event.
The only way I can stop it
is if I fulfill the
pledge I made to Immortus,
and return their longevity.
Immortus?
Pledge? What are
you talking about?
Listen, I don't know what you've
gotten yourself into exactly
but I've been around long enough to
know a devil's bargain when I see one.
This doesn't sound right.
What wasn't right was us in that room
being forced to kill over and over again.
Immortus can make
that all go away.
Let me help you.
What?
What we went through,
what you're going through,
I get it.
I also think there's
probably another way
that doesn't have to involve
a pledge or violence.
There always is.
So...
Larry.
Rama.
Really? So this was
your plan all along?
What the hell?
What? Hey. No!
Larry!
Fuck! This cannot be how I die.
Oh, my God!
Can you just let me turn
into a pile of splooge
without all the
whining and screaming?
My, my, my! You have been a naughty
little boy haven't you, Willoughby?
What are you doing here?
To rescue you, of course.
Willoughby? What's going on?
Bunbury, please.
Just take what you need
and be done with it.
Nope, still asleep.
You found him?
Yeah, I think so.
You need back up?
No, no. I can handle it.
You need to be here to...
Could you just...
Could you give her a hug for me?
In case she wakes up
before I get back.
You just concentrate
on getting Keeg.
Then hurry home and you
can hug her yourself.
♪ You made me colorblind ♪
♪ No masquerade to
hide behind It's cold ♪
♪ To think I have
no key Which could ♪
♪ Make or break me ♪
♪ So tired ♪
♪ To see your lights on ♪
♪ So tired ♪
♪ Of standing anxiously ♪
♪ So tired ♪
♪ It's the death of me ♪
♪ So tired of doors
That keep on shutting ♪
♪ Why's your door always shut ♪
♪ Smitten ♪
♪ I close my eyes
To your door ♪
♪ Smitten ♪
♪ I close my eyes
To your door ♪
♪ So sad To think
it's memories ♪
♪ And so tired of doors
That keep on shutting ♪
♪ Smitten ♪
Are you fucking serious?
Which one of you bitches...
Okay. Okay, fine. I
get it.
What I was doing
was a little weird,
maybe it was wrong,
and dangerous,
but like, Chinchillas
do it and shit,
so like, really can it be...
Is it really that fucking bad?
I... Fuck!
No.
Shit.
I know better, and I know
things are all fucked up for us.
And you guys are right.
Maybe I shouldn't be...
But that doesn't give
you the right, though.
It just doesn't give you the
right to just pull me down here
out of fucking nowhere
without warning and just...
What are you talking about?
No one pulled you down here.
Sorry, what?
Yeah, you just showed
up on your own.
Wait. What were
you doing exactly?
Um...
Nothing. Yeah, nothing.
Just, um... Yeah, I was just...
Okay.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh, yeah.
It looks like the old girl
still got some life left in her.
Yeah. I bet you will have her in
tip-top shape before you know it.
Easy now, she's
still a bonafide hunk of shit.
But, um...
Thank you, Laura.
I think this is the nicest thing
that anyone's ever done for me.
Ah! After hearing you go on
and on about your daddy issues,
your grand-daddy issues and your
tactile sensations, how could I not?
I didn't realize I was going
on and on about it, but...
Just saying that you know,
the best cure for the body is a quiet mind.
Everyone deserves their
own private slice of peace.
I hope she gives you many hours
in which to lose yourself in.
Holy shit!
The radio still works.
So, what have you
lot been up to?
Willoughby?
It's like that fuzzy
little cunt said.
The whole world is
abuzz with chatter.
Immortus is rising, and just like
everything else in the godforsaken universe,
it all leads back to you lot.
Uh, who the fuck's Immortus?
Gather the others.
I'm not repeating myself.
What was that?
Ageing spots?
No.
Oh, no.
Oh.
It's okay, bud. I can
feel you. I'm coming.
What the...
Keeg, just... just hold on.
Oh, God.
By all means, just
help yourself.
Top left.
Finally.
Morning, princess.
Why do you look so sweaty?
I don't know, why do
you look so boring?
All right. Something very big and
very dangerous is headed our way.
I can assure you, it is far
bigger, and far more dangerous
than anything you bellends
have ever seen before.
- Ooh.
- "Bellend."
I thought it was
all just legend.
Tall tales...
about an ancient forgotten God.
But, as it turns out, Immortus
is real. And it's coming.
We're wandering into the
literal end of days as we speak.
Uh, actually, we took care of
the end of the world last week.
Consider the butts
wiped. Front to back.
I'm not talking about
some arses with teeth!
This is an
inter-dimensional deity
capable of swallowing the
entirety of existence whole!
This could be the end of
reality as we know it.
Oh, fuck me senseless
and call me Martha.
The Immortus Project!
At the Bureau. I knew I'd
heard that name before.
It was some kind of experiment,
a pursuit of immortality.
But as I recall it, it didn't
amount to anything, so.
Actually, that's
exactly why I'm here.
Caulder always swore he had a piece
of Immortus. I never believed him.
And yet here I am, amidst the
results of his little pet enterprise:
The Immortus Project.
Well, except for
you and tracksuit.
Wait, what do you
mean by "results"?
You're the project.
A long time ago,
a piece of the fabled
deity was procured,
passing through many hands in
many shady dealings and backrooms.
Whispers proclaimed that it
held the secrets of immortality.
Whoever adorned it would be gifted
with an unnaturally long life.
That same piece came to be in
the hands of one Eric Morden.
Mr. Nobody?
Exactly.
And he had it right
up until he was shot
by the famous
adventurer, scientist,
and certifiable bastard
that we all know,
or rather, knew as...
Fuckin' Chief.
Had it around his
neck for years.
That was, until he went
all Honey I Shrunk the Kids
and he needed it
to bail you out.
But before all of that,
small pieces of the necklace
were shaved off and mixed in with
the sugar, spice and all things nice
that make up Larry, Rita, Cliff,
and little miss manic
pixie over there.
I mean, haven't
you ever wondered
why you've looked exactly
the same for decades?
Longevity. A la Immortus.
So what now? Immortus
wants his pieces back?
Look at that. Quick as ever,
even without a super
computer jammed up your arse.
Mm.
There was a break-in at Horst
Eismann's a few weeks ago.
Millions of dollars
of bits-and-bobs
and the only thing that was
stolen was the necklace.
Safe to say, whoever's working
for Immortus now has it
and is looking for
the other pieces.
And before you ask, yes.
The pieces inside of you
can still be extracted,
like gold, or uranium,
or a blackhead.
So, and this is the
really important bit,
just so long as you don't
lose your longevity,
the necklace cannot be reconstituted.
And Immortus cannot rise.
So what does the extraction
process look like exactly?
What?
Uh, well, you know, is it like someone
getting sucked into their own filmography?
Or maybe, is attacked by a
weirdo named Dr. Janus...
Who also happens to be
an emotional vampire.
There are no depths to your
collective stupidity, are there?
Come on, Niles,
you crazy old bat.
There must be something.
Ugh.
"Fountain of youth."
"10 Ways to Stay Young
and Keep Him Interested."
Ugh!
Ooh.
"Experimental." "Untested."
Hello.
Let's see
what you can do.
Jesus Christ!
What the hell
happened to your face?
I think we got bigger
problems than that right now.
- What's happening?
- That's me, let go.
What is happening?
What the yee-haw fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Oh, my God! Look who's
got metal back!
Shut up, Hot Topic.
Yes! It worked! It
actually worked!
Although, I can't recall
the last time I wore...
Oh, my God. 1937.
That was a de-aging spell you...
Whatever the female
equivalent of a dick-head is!
Clit-head?
Uh, well, excuse me.
If Cliff didn't rushed in
like some brainless buffoon...
Hey! How is this my fault?
Hold up. Did you just
say "de-aging spell"?
Yes, you daft cunts. We're
all teenagers again. Duh.
Uh, that's bullshit 'cause we
all pretty much look the same.
Do you feel the same?
Kinda. Except I also
feel like pounding a metric ton
of Taco Bell and whacking off.
Do you need a mirror? 'Cause you
still look like 1,000 years old.
Clearly, it's not a very
good de-aging spell.
Probably why it
was in a locked box
marked "experimental,"
"untested," and "dangerous."
By the way, aging works a little
differently for Chaos Magicians.
How does your hairline not come in
until you're at least a million?
Ha! Burn!
For your information,
teenage Chaos Magicians are
notoriously folically gifted.
Wow.
Wow.
Does aging work differently
for bird-lady ottomans too?
Oh, no. I just...
I held my breath.
Years old Bureau
training kicked in.
"If you see a cloud of smoke, don't
breathe, don't choke." It's simple.
No, no.
This is a Khepri hex. This
is bad. Really, really bad.
Ah...
What the hell?
State your name.
Rama, sir.
Do you go
by any other names?
Mr. 104, sir.
When and where
were you born, Mr. 104?
1928, Tamil Nadu.
In India, sir.
At the height of
the British Raj.
What made you decide
to move to London?
I wanted to study the
physical sciences, sir.
Organic chemistry, specifically.
Is this
truly your story?
I'm sorry, sir?
Everything you've
just said to me.
Do you believe this
information to be true?
Yes, sir. I swear, sir.
Remarkable.
Subjects, enter.
Mr. 104, you can begin with air
augmentation experiment now.
Now, sir?
Commence with air augmentation,
Mr. 104, as instructed.
- But they're...
- They're Agents of the Bureau.
Everything that happens here is in service of
our freedom, Mr. 104. They understand that.
- Yes, but...
- Our nation's freedom is paramount.
Do you understand, Mr. 104?
Yes, sir.
Good. Begin air augmentation.
What the...
Experiment complete.
Thank you, Mr. 104.
That'll be all.
"Not Polly." We meet again.
Keeg!
I understand you're confused,
and you think I'm your enemy.
I just want my kid.
Please, just let him go.
You think I'm doing
this on purpose?
I've been trying
to get rid of him.
No matter what I
do, he won't leave.
Once again my work has
gone unappreciated.
Well, I for one think
we all look fabulous.
Well, except for Vic.
But I'm sure,
um, when you get those
things out of your mouth...
Will you just shut the fuck up?
I'm trying to find her.
I'm fucking stripped.
Oh, I can barely get this
location spell to work.
Oh, of course.
Is it true your kind don't
get your proper magic
till you've lost your virginity?
Dude! Your V-seal grew back?
And so what? Why should
we fight this anyway?
We should be enjoying our
time as virile youths.
Gross.
Except that we don't
have any time at all.
You didn't stumble into any old
run-of-the-mill youthification spell, Rita.
This is a curse.
And it'll keep on de-aging us. First
teenagers, then children, then babies.
All the way back to that little
spark in your daddy's eye.
And then, well, nothing.
We'll be jizzified?
Ugh.
My old mentor, Ms. April.
She's the only one that I trust
to help us out of this mess.
So if I can just have two
fucking seconds of silence,
I might be able to find
her teleporting tea room.
Right. So we can take you there
to get your V-card punched. Nice.
That's not what I meant.
Ah. There she is.
Toledo.
Isn't that like two towns over?
Pedal to the metal,
Cliff. Fast as you can.
Road trip! Woo-hoo!
Welcome
back, Captain Trainor.
Keeg. Keeg, stop this.
Can you hear me? Stop this.
Subjects, enter.
No, no. Keeg.
No, no, no. Please!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Time is of the essence!
Got it, Dad!
Hey, get me a hot dog.
Ooh, and a couple of
Paydays. And some Takis.
Fucking nerd.
Teen metabolism.
- So, BFF...
- Ew.
Do you think we'd be friends if
we were in high school together?
- Ha!
- What?
- Weren't you like a popular kid or some shit?
- So?
Whatever.
I wasn't even around back then.
I'm glad I skipped high school
and that whole "awkward
hormonal stage" bullshittery.
Aw, come on! It's not all bad.
The "awkward hormonal stage" is kind
of what makes a person who they are.
The chaos, the confusion,
the lakeside fingerings,
the mistakes... All of it.
Really?
Drinking in playgrounds,
and copping a feel
behind the bleachers
made you who you are?
Yeah. Actually, I think
some of that stuff saved me.
Hm.
- Anyway, speaking of hormones...
- Oh, God.
I haven't forgotten about
our little conversation...
Hey!
Come on.
Hey, Euphoria, can I get a hit?
Well, excuse me.
Can I have an introduction or
something before we swap spit?
Yeah, I'm Jane.
- This is, Cliff.
- Howdy?
Love the
Woodstock core vibes.
And the whole yassified
cyber-cowboy thing.
Super cute.
- Uh...
- Fuck yes, dude.
You look like my racist grandpa
but, like, fresh as fuck.
Why, thank you, dude.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Yeah, okay, cool. So,
introduction's over...
- Ahem...
- Oh, hold on.
We're actually in need of
a little favor ourselves.
A six-pack of lite beer
for these basic bitches
and a bottle of the
finest brandy for me.
I bet your tall friend
never gets carded.
What do you say?
Okay.
Yeah, whatever, sure, it's cool.
Wow, okay.
Actually...
Okay.
No.
After you, dear leader.
Rita...
Rita.
I just wanna talk to you
about this leadership thing.
If you think I'm going
to have a heart-to-heart with you
while a used condom stares at me
from a broken diaper
changing table,
you've got another thing coming.
This
will all be over soon.
We'll go to Ms. April's
and she'll fix everything.
I will be my ol' normal
self, before Janus.
Did Willoughby say
she could fix this?
The aging?
I just assume...
Okay, uh, you're gonna have to
lower your expectations here.
Niles spent almost a century
searching for a way to
stop the aging process.
There were experiments,
expeditions,
you know, if there was
an answer out there
that didn't have a hex attached
to it, he would've found it.
But he didn't.
Rita?
Rita?
Where are you going?
Where she going?
Just go on, we'll catch up.
No. That's not the plan.
Fuck's sake, what now?
Heads up.
Yo, where's my Takis?
Takis? Interesting.
Enchante.
While you two were mucking
around, we lost Rouge and Rita.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Yeah, that's too bad.
But, great news, our new BFFs,
Charlie, Jeremy and Winona
were just mentioning
this super-cool party.
Are you
out of your mind?
We're on a mission
here, remember?
Immortus?
End of reality?
Man, why
is this shit always on us anyway?
It's always, "You guys have
to defeat the eye in the sky
or it'll delete everyone."
Oh, yeah, I
forgot about that.
That shit was fucking bananas.
That happened during
our homecoming.
- Oh, my God, what?
- Oh, shit.
- You're so right.
- Shut up!
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up, shut up!
We're getting in the car,
without the cast of Freaks
and Geeks after dark.
We're gonna see Ms. April,
so I don't have to go back to my
father's hairy gooch. You understand?
Square.
Excuse me?
Square.
Square.
Square. Square. Square.
Virgin. Virgin.
Virgin. Virgin.
Virgin. Virgin.
Fine! Fine!
We can go for five minutes.
- My man.
- Yes!
Fuck, yeah!
Let me out.
Please let me go.
Begin experiment.
No. Oh, please. Please.
Keeg, stop this, please! No.
Get away from me. Get away.
We have to get out
of here, please.
Please.
Oh, God.
Keeg. Keeg. Make it stop.
Please. No. Please.
Keeg, make it stop!
Make it stop, please!
Keeg, make it stop.
Make it stop, please.
Please make it stop, Keeg.
No!
Get away from me!
- It's okay.
- Don't touch me.
It's okay. Just breathe.
In and out.
Keep going.
I can turn my skin to lead.
You can't hurt me.
Just breathe.
♪ Another cog In
the murder machine ♪
♪ They said "All teenagers scare
The living shit out of me ♪
♪ They could care less As
long as someone'll bleed" ♪
♪ So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose ♪
♪ Maybe they'll leave
you alone But not me ♪
Is this legal?
Not for long.
Who wants to put
molly in my tank hole?
Whoo! Yeah!
Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Loosen up, Taki boy.
Yeah, loosen up.
Oh, I can loosen up.
Prove it.
Loose enough?
Booyah, baby!
♪ Doesn't anyone dance
In this town no more? ♪
♪ Why am I the only one
On the dancefloor? ♪
♪ The DJ's killin'
it Drinks is poured ♪
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Let's do this.
Chug, chug, chug!
♪ I like to get it started ♪
♪ I'm spendin' all my money ♪
♪ I'm not leavin'
'Til mornin' ♪
Chug, chug, chug!
♪ I don't like none Of
y'all hoes, I'm bored ♪
Ooh!
Ooh!
Holy shit.
Are you smiling?
Guilty.
Okay, we should probably
get going now, right?
Shut up and puff.
It's Willoughby's.
Wizard-grade kush.
Shit.
I knew it.
Nerd.
What?
I just had a feeling you were
a cliche, goody-two-shoes.
You know.
Teacher's pet.
Captain of the sports and shit.
Right, right. Yeah.
What were you like?
Actually I don't know.
Miranda was the teenager
and Kay shit me out of
her brain way later.
So, I guess you could say this is
my first experience in teenage-hood.
Nice.
So...
what's the verdict?
It's like...
a janky carnival ride
that makes you wanna puke,
but also one you
don't wanna get off.
Yeah, sounds like you're
having a genuine experience.
Great.
So being a kid is just as
complicated as everything else.
Yeah.
But some
things are simple...
Pure.
Friendship for instance.
Detroiticons!
When I was
in middle school,
I made the most genuine friends
I could've ever asked for.
All the complicated shit
felt easier because of it.
Are these the friends you
went to see the other day?
Yeah.
It's just different now.
I left it too long, I guess.
Shit's fucked up.
Man, fuck that.
If I had even the smallest promise
of a connection like that out there,
I'd do everything it
took to get it back.
Yeah, well...
I got a few things on my plate.
You know, the Butts, Immortus.
Look, let me tell you something.
I'm starting to think
that the world's always
gonna need rescuing.
But you gotta wonder...
when you're out there
saving the planet,
who the fuck is recuing you?
You're so high right now.
I'm pretty lit, yeah.
You are so lit.
- But you're also very right.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Adios, amigo.
Godspeed.
Kay.
Kay.
I'm sorry.
I know I fucked up.
But what's new, right?
I should've known better.
I shouldn't even be thinking
about her or anyone else.
And I definitely shouldn't be
treating this body like it was mine.
I haven't even been
around long enough
to see it...
grow...
how it's changed.
It's not mine.
It's yours.
It's always been yours.
I'm sorry.
It's our body, Jane.
Fuck.
I am super-high.
Willoughby!
Jane?
♪ Am I talking to you Or am
I talking to the drugs? ♪
♪ Am I talking to you Or am
I talking to the drugs? ♪
Shit!
This is so unfair.
And of course you're
perfectly fine.
You always are.
Rita...
The spell didn't
work on me, I just...
saw myself as a
teenager and I, I...
couldn't.
It was...
a horrible time for me.
A time I'd... rather forget.
So, I used my ability
to change back.
But, um,
underneath this, I'm very much
not fine, Rita, believe me.
Oh, that is so typical.
What?
You are such a control freak.
I'm the control freak?
I wish I had your power.
Then I could be
anything, anyone.
I could disappear forever and
no one would be able to find me.
Okay. It's... it's
not that simple.
Whatever.
You know, a long time ago, when
people found out about my power,
they didn't react the way
you'd expected them to.
I lost a lot of them. People
I thought that I mattered to.
And, you know, when people
think about their teenage years,
they think about their first
loves, staying out late,
dreaming big dreams...
but, for me it was different.
I think of that freckled-faced
girl I used to be and I...
I have this...
like, burning,
piercing hurt...
right here.
My mother used to always say
that heartbreak stains the soul.
Well, I believe that to be true.
Except, for me, it's different.
It's...
like a void.
A chasm...
standing between me...
and any hope of finding a
true, meaningful connection.
Maybe that's why
I am the way I am.
Maybe by now, I'm the chasm.
What about me?
We used to be good
friends, didn't we?
Rita.
When I felt alone
and lost, and like I
didn't even know myself,
you're the one person that made me
feel like everything was gonna be okay.
I miss that.
I miss you.
But things are different now.
You hurt me.
And I'll never have my best
friend back ever again.
I miss you, too.
And I never stopped thinking
about how I hurt
you and I am so...
so sorry, Rita.
I am.
There's not a day that goes
by that I don't think about
how I... I hurt you,
what I did to you,
to Malcolm, and the Sisterhood.
And I...
I don't deserve an
ounce of forgiveness
and I never will.
I never will.
I am so, so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Chug! Chug!
Cliff. Hey.
- Jane?
- Yes, it's me, poop-bot.
- Oh, hey, Jane, what's up?
- We have to go, now.
Um, who brought the
little vibe killers?
It's cool. It's cool,
they're with me.
Party on, party people.
Party on!
I know you're having
a jolly old time
but we have to find
Ms. April right now,
before this gets any worse.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
- Cliff, come on.
- Leave me alone.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you being so weird?
Because I am weird, Jane. Okay?
I am a weirdo.
Look at my hand.
Have you ever seen me without
this stupid oven mitt on?
That's weird.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
It's all right,
guys. We're cool, we're cool.
I'm cool. We're
cool. I'm cool.
What say we take this
party to a new location?
Numero dos.
Are you crazy?
You're gonna pick
some burnout teens
to go party with over your
actual fucking friends?
"Actual friends"?
You mean the "actual friends" who
just want me to punch shit for them?
The "actual friends" who didn't
even care to ask if I'm doing okay
when, clearly, I am not.
Party on, party people!
Where the hell is Vic?
Just pause it a second.
What the...
Derick... it's me Vic.
Vic?
That wasn't the first time I've seen
it, you know, a piece of your past.
Great.
It's actually
quite illuminating.
Seems to me you have a
little guardian angel.
You mean Keeg?
And the spirit before him.
I see you've been
through a lot together.
I joined Dr. Janus
because I wanted to
stop causing suffering.
But here I am.
I'm a beacon for it.
What... what do you mean by
"stop causing suffering"?
I'm trying to
reverse my condition.
The things that my body
can do, it's taking a toll.
There are misfires
from the changing compositions.
One day I might not
be able to control it.
What then?
A mass extinction event.
The only way I can stop it
is if I fulfill the
pledge I made to Immortus,
and return their longevity.
Immortus?
Pledge? What are
you talking about?
Listen, I don't know what you've
gotten yourself into exactly
but I've been around long enough to
know a devil's bargain when I see one.
This doesn't sound right.
What wasn't right was us in that room
being forced to kill over and over again.
Immortus can make
that all go away.
Let me help you.
What?
What we went through,
what you're going through,
I get it.
I also think there's
probably another way
that doesn't have to involve
a pledge or violence.
There always is.
So...
Larry.
Rama.
Really? So this was
your plan all along?
What the hell?
What? Hey. No!
Larry!
Fuck! This cannot be how I die.
Oh, my God!
Can you just let me turn
into a pile of splooge
without all the
whining and screaming?
My, my, my! You have been a naughty
little boy haven't you, Willoughby?
What are you doing here?
To rescue you, of course.
Willoughby? What's going on?
Bunbury, please.
Just take what you need
and be done with it.