Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Doctor, the Wife, her Son and the Job - full transcript

AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,
THE PATIENT ADVOCATE

PROVIDES A VITAL LINK BETWEEN

THE PATIENT AND
THE HOSPITAL STAFF.

SO, A GOOD CANDIDATE
FOR THIS POSITION

IS NOT ONLY FAMILIAR
WITH OUR HOSPITAL,

BUT IS ALSO ABLE TO DEAL

SENSITIVELY WITH PEOPLE
WHO ARE UNDER STRESS.

DO YOU FEEL
COMFORTABLE WITH THAT?

STRESS?

UH... YES, I THINK I
UNDERSTAND STRESS.

WELL...



I SEE THAT YOU'VE CITED TWO
VERY IMPRESSIVE REFERENCES,

DR. DAVID HOWSER AND
DR. DOUGLAS HOWSER...

NOW, I DON'T WANT ANY
PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

SIMPLY BECAUSE MY
LAST NAME IS HOWSER.

IN FACT, IF I GET THIS JOB,

I INTEND TO USE MY
MAIDEN NAME, O'BRIAN.

WELL, MS. O'BRIAN,

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT
YOU HAD WORKED

AS A HOSPITAL WARD CLERK.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S HOW I
MET AND FELL IN LOVE WITH...

UH, REFERENCE NUMBER ONE.

OH, AND THEN FOR A YEAR

I DID ALL OF DAVID'S
MEDICAL TRANSCRIPTION,

SO I'M VERY FAMILIAR
WITH THE TERMINOLOGY...



GOOD.

AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD SPELLER...

- KATHERINE...
- OH, AND I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE

FIND HOSPITALS DEPRESSING,
BUT I'VE ALWAYS FELT

THEY COULD BE
HAPPY, FUN PLACES TOO.

I THINK I'M READY FOR THE
SWIMSUIT COMPETITION NOW.

AND OF COURSE, AS NEW
INTERNS, YOU'LL BE RESPONSIBLE

FOR RETAINING THE DETAILS OF
ALL THE CASES ON YOUR SERVICE.

I REMEMBER, WHEN I WAS JUST AN
INTERN... IT SEEMS SO LONG AGO NOW...

- WHOO-HOO!
- I... I HOPE YOU REALIZE

I'M HERE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS
OR GIVE ADVICE ON PATIENTS,

HOSPITAL POLITICS,
LIFE IN GENERAL, YOU...

(all giggling)

YOU CAN THINK OF ME AS YOUR BROTHER,
YOUR YOUNGER, SMARTER BROTHER.

OH, DOOGIE!

DOOGIE, I GOT THE JOB.

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

OH... OH...

- SOMETHING THERE...
- (all chuckling)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D...

- LIKE YOU TO MEET MY MOTHER.
- (all giggling, laughing)

(theme music playing)

Man: THIS IS A HOSPITAL,

- NOT A NIGHT CLUB.
- (laughing)

Katherine: OH, THAT'S
DIFFERENT. SEE YOU LATER.

SO, DID YOU SEE

THE NEW BABE, HUH? O'BRIAN?

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DID.

NOT BAD, HUH?

DR. WELCH, I FIND YOUR
BEHAVIOR UNPROFESSIONAL,

INAPPROPRIATE AND
COMPLETELY REPULSIVE.

AND BESIDES, THAT WAS NO
BABE, THAT WAS MY MOTHER.

Dr. Howser: KATHERINE?

KATHERINE? THERE'S NO MILK.

NO KATHERINE.

"DAVID, LEFT EARLY FOR
WORK. SEE YOU AT 6:00.

I LOVE YOU. ME."

(scoffs) "P.S.: IT'S YOUR
TURN TO BUY THE MILK."

OH, WELL...

KATIE, THERE'S NO MILK.

WHO ARE YOU?!

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M DAVID HOWSER. I BELONG HERE.

I'M THE GARDENER.
I BELONG HERE TOO.

- SINCE WHEN?
- SINCE EIGHT YEARS AGO.

THAT'S MY CUP.

SO, WHERE'S KATIE?

SHE'S AT WORK.

HUH, SOME DOCTOR, YOU HAVE
TO SEND YOUR WIFE OUT TO WORK?

WELL, ACTUALLY
IT WAS HER CHOICE.

INTERESTING.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE
WATERING OR SOMETHING?

WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT IN THE
SIDE YARD? PETUNIAS OR PANSIES?

- I DON'T KNOW...
- KATIE ALWAYS KNEW.

PETUNIAS.

AND WHAT'S WITH
THIS "KATIE" BUSINESS?

HER NAME HAPPENS
TO BE KATHERINE.

KATHERINE? EH, TOO FORMAL.

I THINK "KATIE" IS A
LITTLE TOO INFORMAL.

MAYBE I JUST KNOW HER BETTER.

Man: DON'T TELL ME YOU'LL FIND OUT
HOW MUCH MY INSURANCE COVERS.

YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW
MUCH MY INSURANCE COVERS.

SOME ADVOCATE YOU ARE.

BOY, THEY'LL PLACE A NAME
TAG ON ANYBODY THESE DAYS.

Katherine: MR. SULLIVAN, THERE'S
REALLY NO NEED TO SHOUT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

MOM?

OH, SO MAYBE EINSTEIN'S GOT
HIS MOMMY WORKING HERE NOW.

THAT EXPLAINS HOW
SHE GOT THE JOB.

ALL RIGHT, MR. SULLIVAN.

AS USUAL, YOUR
ULCER'S FLARED UP AGAIN.

YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT ANY
ADDITIONAL STRESS WOULD SEVERELY

COMPROMISE YOUR HEALTH.

NOW I SUGGEST YOU JUST TAKE
A DEEP BREATH AND BUTTON IT.

AND IF I DON'T, MOMMY IS GONNA
WASH OUT MY MOUTH WITH SOAP?

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
NOT FEELING WELL,

MR. SULLIVAN, BUT
THERE'S NO NEED TO TREAT

ANY MEMBER OF OUR
STAFF WITH DISRESPECT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LIE BACK AND RELAX?

HE WON'T HASSLE YOU ANYMORE.

DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

- WHAT?
- I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR HELP.

HOW DARE YOU PRESUME
THAT I NEEDED IT?

- BUT I...
- YOUR ARROGANCE

COMPLETELY UNDERMINED MY
CREDIBILITY WITH THAT PATIENT.

FROM NOW ON, I
EXPECT YOU TO TREAT ME

AS YOU WOULD ANY OTHER EMPLOYEE
IN THIS HOSPITAL. YOU GOT THAT?

- GOT IT.
- (man coughs)

HEY, I TOLD YOU I NEEDED
THAT VOMIT SPRAY.

HEY, "MOM"!

I WILL LEAVE YOU

TO YOUR PATIENT, MS. O'BRIAN.

SO...

WHO'S THE TOOTSIE
WITH THE BIG BABALOOS?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T CARE.

AND AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE SICK?

NOT CHINESE FOOD AGAIN.

WHAT IS THIS, CHINA?

HELLO, VIN, WANT SOME KUNG PAO?

NO, I DON'T WANT SOME KUNG
PAO. THIS IS WEDNESDAY NIGHT,

THIS USED TO BE
POT ROAST NIGHT...

WITH THOSE TINY LITTLE POTATOES

YOUR MOM USED TO ROAST
TILL THEY WERE GOLDEN BROWN.

BASTING THEM OVER
AND OVER AND OVER...

PLEASE, I'M TRYING TO
LOCATE SOME FLAVOR.

DOOG, YOUR MOM WAS THE BEST
STAY-AT-HOME MOM I EVER HAD.

YOU CAN'T JUST ROLL
OVER AND ORDER OUT.

AND WHAT DOES YOUR DAD
THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS?

HE FEELS MOM IS ENTITLED
TO A LIFE OUTSIDE THE HOME

AND THAT WE SHOULD SUPPORT HER.

MAN, THAT IS SO '70s.

( door bangs)

THAT'S IT.

YESTERDAY THEY
FORGOT THE WONTON,

THE DAY BEFORE THE HOT AND
SOUR SOUP WASN'T HOT OR SOUR,

TODAY NO PLUM SAUCE.

I'M GOING BACK, AND THIS TIME

I'M GONNA TALK TO
MR. WANG HIMSELF.

HOW'S THAT KUNG PAO?

YEAH, I CAN SEE HE'S
ADJUSTING TO THIS WELL.

THAT'S IT. I CAN'T
TAKE THIS ANY MORE.

THESE FEELINGS MIGHT
NOT BE POLITICALLY CORRECT,

BUT I'VE JUST GOT TO SAY THIS:

MY MOM IS DRIVING ME TOTALLY,
ABSOLUTELY, AND UTTERLY INSANE.

GO ON, GET IT OFF YOUR
CHEST, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

NOT ONLY HAS SHE
KISSED ME IN PUBLIC,

YELLED AT ME FOR INNOCENTLY
HELPING HER OUT... WELL, EXCUSE ME...

HALF THE HOSPITAL
HAS THE HOTS FOR HER.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS THAT EVERYWHERE I
GO SOME JERK IS CALLING HER

"BABE' OR "TOOTSIE."

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE I'M IN A ROAD
SHOW FOR "GUYS AND DOLLS."

THAT'S IT. I CAN'T
HEAR ANY MORE.

IF ANYBODY'S GONNA
LUST AFTER YOUR MOTHER,

IT'S GOTTA BE ME.
I KNEW HER FIRST.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, VIN.

YES, YOU DO... YOU
JUST DON'T WANNA DO IT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M GONNA TELL HER TO QUIT.

- TONIGHT.
- (sniffs)

OH, WHAT'S THAT I SMELL?

COULD IT BE THE SWEET
PERFUME OF EAU DE POT ROAST?

- ( footsteps)
- Katherine: I'M HOME.

TINY MOIST POTATOES,
SMOTHERED IN GRAVY.

HI, GUYS. DOOGIE,
WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?

HE HAD TO SEE A MAN
ABOUT AN EGG ROLL.

OH... GUESS WHAT
HAPPENED AT WORK TODAY.

I GOT MY FIRST WEEK'S PAYCHECK.

THAT'S GREAT.

THIS HASN'T BEEN THE
EASIEST WEEK FOR ANY OF US.

- (sighs) MOM...
- BUT WE GOT THROUGH IT.

AND I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.

AND I'M PROUD OF
YOU TOO, DOOGIE.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

TO CELEBRATE, I BOUGHT EVERYONE

PRESENTS.

NOT EDIBLE.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF YOUR MOM NOW, DOOGIE?

I'M REAL PROUD OF YOU, MOM.

Katherine: BOB, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE
THAT REPORT WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T.

I KNOW YOU WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY.

THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT.

WELL, I LIKE WORKING
WITH YOU TOO, BOB.

(cutlery clatters)

WAIT A MINUTE, WE'RE NOT
GONNA EAT WITHOUT CHOP STICKS.

THIS IS A NEW CONCEPT IN DINING.

- UH-HUH, SURE...
- SHH.

- OH, I THINK...
- I'M STARVED. MOM COOKED?

I COOKED. SIT DOWN.

EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.

WE SHOULD SIT DOWN,
PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER...

WHO'S SHE TALKING TO?

BOB.

BOB?

- BOB.
- OKAY, GREAT.

LUNCH TOMORROW.

DEFINITELY NOT IN THE CAFETERIA.

OKAY. BYE BYE.

EMERGENCY CALL?

NO, WE'RE JUST CHATTING.

BOB'S ANOTHER PATIENT ADVOCATE.

QUITE THE RACONTEUR, I GATHER.

SO, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

SMELLS GREAT.

UH, COLD ANGEL HAIR PASTA

WITH CONGEALED MARINARA SAUCE

AND A LIMP CAESAR SALAD.

LOVELY. LET'S EAT.

YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT,
KATHERINE, BUT YOU HAVE BEEN

ON THE PHONE EVER SINCE
YOU WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR.

YOU KNOW, I JUST REALIZED
I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
I LIKE YOUR TONE, DAVID.

PERHAPS THAT'S BECAUSE
IT'S NOT A DIAL TONE.

NO, REALLY, DON'T TRY TO STOP
ME. I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN.

I'M GETTING SOME SERIOUS
LOVE HANDLES HERE.

OKAY, DAVID. WHAT'S BUGGING YOU?

AHEM... WELL, UH...

I MISS YOU.

I MISS THE OLD KATHERINE.

I MISS HAVING YOU
HERE WHEN I GET HOME.

THE LIGHTS ALL ON, THE SMELL
OF SOMETHING ON THE STOVE,

MIXED IN WITH YOUR PERFUME.

JUST KNOWING THAT YOU'RE HERE...

WAITING FOR ME.

I'M A PIG. SHOOT ME.

WHAT IF I DON'T WANNA SHOOT YOU?

(moans)

(moans)

I'M JUST HAPPIER NOW.

I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.

MIND IF I SKIP DINNER
AND GO STRAIGHT TO BED?

NOW, THERE IS A THOUGHT.

UNFORTUNATELY,

IT'S NOT THE ONE I MEANT.

THE ONLY THING
I'M TAKING TO BED...

IS THIS...

500 PAGES, NOT
INCLUDING FLOW CHARTS.

GOOD NIGHT.

17 YEARS OLD, IN
HER THIRD TRIMESTER,

- NO IDEA SHE'S PREGNANT.
- WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY
UNINFORMED YOUNG MOTHERS

I'VE SEEN SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE?

AND IT GETS WORSE EVERY YEAR.

THEY'RE EMOTIONALLY AND
PHYSICALLY UNPREPARED.

AND YOU CAN FORGET
ABOUT PRENATAL CARE.

MOST OF THEM HAVE
NEVER EVEN HEARD OF IT.

THAT'S TERRIBLE. AND
EASTMAN DOESN'T HAVE

A SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL
PROGRAM TO HELP THESE KIDS?

NOT AS YET. BUT IF THAT'S A
SUGGESTION, IT'S A GOOD ONE.

- MMM.
- WELL, IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

BETWEEN PREGNANCY
AND DISEASES...

IT'S A SEXUAL MINEFIELD
OUT THERE FOR TEENAGERS.

THANK GOOD
DOOGIE'S STILL A VIRGIN.

UH...

EXCUSE ME.

- DOOGIE, I...
- DON'T SAY IT, MOM.

JUST DON'T SAY IT.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW
LONG IT HAS TAKEN ME

TO BUILD UP ANY CREDIBILITY
AT ALL IN THIS HOSPITAL?

AND I HAD TO FIGHT FOR EVERY
SINGLE BIT OF IT BECAUSE OF MY AGE.

AND NOW YOU COME ALONG,
AND IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS

YOU RUIN IT ALL. YOU'RE
RUINING EVERYTHING.

I WANT YOU TO QUIT.

P.A. system: Dr. Howser,
emergency room, stat.

Dr. Howser,
emergency room, stat.

- WATCH OUT, PLEASE.
- HE'S NOT TALKING.

- DO SOMETHING.
- WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM?

JUST GET HIM INTO B.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT?

MALE, ABOUT 18, GUN
SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD,

MUGGED IN FRONT
OF HIS OWN HOUSE.

HIS MOTHER SAW THE WHOLE THING.

HELP HIM! HE WAS TALKING BEFORE!

READY? ONE, TWO, THREE, GO.

CALL THE BLOOD BANK AND SEND UP
SIX UNITS. CALL THE NEUROSURGEON.

TELL HIM WE'LL GET HIM DOWN FOR EMERGENCY
CAT SCAN AS SOON AS WE HAVE HIM STABILIZED.

- Nurse #1: HE'S ON
HIS WAY, DOCTOR.
- LET'S DO IT.

Nurse #2: I'LL CALL
THE BLOOD BANK.

Doogie: RIGHT PUPIL'S BLOWN.

Nurse #1: BP IS
90/50, PULSE IS 58.

Nurse #3: HERE'S THE BLOOD.
GET THIS DOWN TO THE LAB.

Nurse #4: THANKS, I GOT IT.

Man: SOMEBODY START AN
ARTERIAL LINE, AND PUT A PLUG IN.

MRS. DIAZ,

I'VE FINALLY
REACHED YOUR SISTER.

SHE'S ON HER WAY.

HE DID EVERYTHING
THEY ASKED HIM TO.

HE GAVE THEM ALL HIS MONEY.

THEY KILLED HIM ANYWAY.

WHERE'S MY SON?

HE'S IN THE ICU.

IT'S LIKE I TOLD YOU, MRS. DIAZ,

YOUR SON IS WHAT
WE CALL BRAIN DEAD.

HE'S BEEN SEEN BY
TWO NEUROLOGISTS.

THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN
SURVIVE OFF THE MACHINES.

I'M SORRY.

I WISH THIS COULD WAIT,
BUT IT REALLY CAN'T.

THIS IS AN AUTHORIZATION
FOR YOU TO ALLOW US

TO USE YOUR SON'S
ORGANS FOR TRANSPLANTS.

I KNOW THIS IS HARD FOR YOU,

BUT TRY TO THINK OF ALL
THE PEOPLE YOU'LL HELP.

WHY SHOULD I HELP ANYBODY?

LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY SON.

LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO ME.

MRS. DIAZ...

I DON'T PRETEND TO KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH...

BUT I HAVE A SON TOO.

HE'S THE DEAREST THING
IN THE WORLD TO ME.

AND IF SOMETHING LIKE THIS

EVER HAPPENED TO HIM,

I THINK MAYBE
THIS IS A WAY OF...

OF HAVING HIM LIVE ON.

FOR HIM, AND FOR YOU.

AT LEAST, IF IT WAS MY SON...

I HOPE THAT'S
HOW I'D THINK OF IT.

WELL, WE WERE ABLE
TO GIVE THE LIVER

TO A TEENAGE GIRL
UP ON THE SIXTH.

THE REST OF THE ORGANS ARE FLOWN
OUT TO RECIPIENTS IN OTHER HOSPITALS.

WELL, I'M GLAD.

YOU HANDLED THAT
BRILLIANTLY, MOM.

YOU HELPED A LOT OF
PEOPLE AND AT THE SAME TIME

SOMEHOW MADE
HER FEEL BETTER TOO.

I REALLY DIDN'T THINK
ABOUT IT AT THE TIME.

I JUST TRIED TO PUT
MYSELF IN HER PLACE.

DOOGIE...

I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE

THINKING ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS.

BUT THERE'S THIS...

ONE CRAZY MEMORY
THAT KEEPS POPPING UP.

I'M 14 YEARS OLD,

AND I'M IN THE BACK
SEAT OF MY PARENT'S CAR.

I'M ALL SCRUNCHED DOWN,

PRAYING THAT NO ONE I KNOW

WILL SEE ME,

BECAUSE...

THE MOST EMBARRASSING
THING IN THE WORLD,

WHEN YOU'RE 14,

IS TO BE SEEN RIDING IN
THE CAR WITH YOUR PARENTS.

THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT MY BEING HERE, ISN'T IT?

NO.

YEAH.

DOOGIE, I'M GONNA QUIT.

NO, YOU CAN'T.

I MEAN, SURE, WE'VE
HAD OUR PROBLEMS,

HUGE, HORRIBLE,
HUMILIATING PROBLEMS, BUT...

YOU'RE JUST TOO VALUABLE

TO THIS HOSPITAL TO JUST LEAVE.

WE JUST NEED TO FINE-TUNE
OUR WORKING RELATIONSHIP.

I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU, MOM.

REALLY.

I'M PROUD OF YOU TOO, DOOGIE.

IS IT OKAY IF WE HUG?

WELL, OKAY, BUT
JUST A QUICK ONE.

(knocks) HOW'S IT GOING, SON?

OH...

FINE.

DID YOU SEE YOUR
MOTHER AT WORK TODAY?

YEAH. WE HAD A BIG
TALK ABOUT HER JOB.

REALLY?

- GET HER TO QUIT?
- ACTUALLY...

I CONVINCED HER NOT TO.

THAT'S AN INTERESTING TWIST.

MAYBE WE JUST NEED TO GIVE
THIS THING A LITTLE MORE TIME, DAD.

MAYBE WE'RE BOTH
A LITTLE SPOILED.

YEAH.

IT WAS NICE THOUGH, WASN'T IT?

- GOOD NIGHT, SON.
- GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

(theme music playing)

(orchestra playing
Vivaldi's "Four Seasons")