Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 2, Episode 20 - Fatal Distraction - full transcript

35, 40, 45...

THE VINNIE DELPINO PARTY OF TWO

FOR EASTMAN'S MONTE
CARLO NIGHT. YOU GOT IT.

OH, LISTEN, DOOG, WHEN
YOU TALK TO WANDA,

TELL HER JANINE WANTS TO
COMPARE NOTES ON WARDROBE.

AND YOU KNOW, IF I HAD
MY VOTE, I'D WANT WANDA

TO WEAR THAT BLACK
BODY-HUGGING MINI DRESS

WITH THOSE BLACK
FISHNET STOCKINGS...

VINNIE, VINNIE, I'LL
GET THE TICKETS.

THANKS FOR DROPPING
THE MONEY OFF,

BUT RIGHT NOW I'M
REALLY SWAMPED.



I AM REALLY BUSY.

Nurse Spaulding: DR. HOWSER,
YOUR STUDENTS AWAIT.

All: GOOD MORNING, DR. HOWSER.

HOWSER, YOU... WOW...

I MEAN, WHAT
DO YOU... I CAN'T...

SHALL WE, NURSES?

STAY RIGHT HERE. I'LL
BRING YOU SOME OXYGEN.

NOW WHAT'S THE
CODE CALL FOR A FIRE?

- DR. FIRESTONE.
- RIGHT.

FIRE EXITS ARE AT
THE END OF THE HALL

AND EXTINGUISHERS ARE LOCATED
IN CABINETS ALONG THE WALL.

NOW, WE'LL BE IN THE PATHOLOGY
DEPARTMENT THIS MORNING,

SO FIRST OFF WE'LL TAKE A
LOOK AT SOME BIOPSY SLIDES

AND THEN WE'LL ANSWER
QUESTIONS AFTERWARDS, OKAY?



RIGHT THIS WAY.

(groans)

OH, THOSE SLOPPY PATHOLOGISTS...

ALWAYS LEAVING
ORGANS LAYING AROUND.

(sighs)

Student nurse: IS SHE OKAY?

UH... ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT, MISS...?

HER NAME'S MICHELE.

Doogie: MICHELLE.

(theme music playing)

ALL RIGHT, IT'S
8.30, I THINK IT'S TIME

YOU HOP IN THE BATH
TUB, YOUNG LADY.

DO I HAVE TO?

OKAY, OKAY, I'M GOING.

- GOOD NIGHT, DOOGIE.
- GOOD NIGHT.

THANKS FOR HELPING OUT
WITH THE HOMEWORK, DOOGIE.

NO PROBLEM.

WANDA, JANINE WANTS TO KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE WEARING TO
MONTE CARLO NIGHT ON SATURDAY.

- WANDA, DID YOU HEAR ME?
- WHAT?

(telephone rings)

HELLO.

HI, MISS PHILIPS.

OH MY GOSH, THAT'S THIS WEEKEND.

YEAH, I'VE GOT A TENT.

OH, WHEN DO WE LEAVE?

SATURDAY MORNING AT 6.00?

AND RETURN?

NO, THAT'S OKAY...
YEAH, WE'LL BE THERE.

THANKS. BYE BYE.

I GUESS I CAN FORGET
ABOUT SATURDAY NIGHT, HUH?

I'M SORRY, DOOGIE.

MAGGIE'S GOT THIS MOTHER-DAUGHTER
CAMP ALL THIS WEEKEND.

YOU'RE MAD, AREN'T YOU?

A LITTLE... WE HAVEN'T
BEEN OUT IN A MONTH.

LOOK, DOOGIE, THINGS HAVE
CHANGED SINCE MY MOM DIED.

I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOME
THINGS I'VE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF.

I KNOW, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD
GET OUT, THAT'S IMPORTANT TOO.

WE WILL.

JUST BEAR WITH
ME A LITTLE WHILE.

YEAH, I'M TRYING.

I'VE JUST LATELY BEEN FEELING LIKE
VINNIE'S AND JANINE'S CHAUFFEUR.

I'M TIRED OF GOING
OUT ALONE ALL THE TIME.

WELL THEN... I'LL UNDERSTAND

IF YOU DECIDE TO
TAKE SOMEBODY ELSE.

YOU WILL?

JUST PROMISE YOU'LL
TAKE SOMEBODY UGLY.

YOU'RE RIGHT, WHO
WOULD I TAKE OUT ANYWAY?

YES...

- UH...
- AND ANOTHER.

GOT IT! AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO PULL WANDA

OUT OF THIS, VIN,
IT'S FRUSTRATING.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

WANDA AND JANINE BARELY
SEE EACH OTHER THESE DAYS,

AND THEY'RE BEST FRIENDS.

YEAH, SHE EVEN
SAID I COULD GO OUT

WITH SOMEONE ELSE ON
SATURDAY IF I WANTED TO.

- SHE WHAT?
- YEAH.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO
I'D TAKE OUT ANYWAY.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU
DON'T KNOW WHO TO TAKE?

YOU WERE SURROUNDED
BY FIVE BODACIOUS

TRAFFIC-STOPPING STUDENT NURSES

THIS MORNING, AND YOU
DON'T KNOW WHO TO TAKE?

NO, NO, NO, MIXING PERSONAL AND
PROFESSIONAL IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

SO DON'T MIX. FIRE THE PRETTIEST ONE
AND TAKE HER TO MONTE CARLO NIGHT.

OH, COME ON.

YOU KNOW, I'D FEEL AWKWARD
TAKING OUT ONE OF THOSE GIRLS.

I'M THEIR TEACHER
AND ALL, YOU KNOW.

(grunts) YOU GOTTA
BE KIDDIN' ME.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

I'M GONNA TURN YOU
IN TO THE WIMP-POLICE.

YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND
GIVES YOU THE GREEN LIGHT,

AND YOU'VE GOT ACCESS
TO A BEVY OF BEAUTIES...

DOOG, GET ON YOUR PALOMINO,

RIDE OVER AND CUT
ONE FROM THE HERD.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

AS A TEACHER, IT'S IMPORTANT

TO MAINTAIN A
PROFESSIONAL DISTANCE.

Vinnie: HEAD 'EM
UP, RUN 'EM OUT!

Doogie: HOW IS A CORONARY
ARTERY BYPASS PERFORMED?

MICHELE?

(clears throat) BY A VEIN
GRAFT BETWEEN THE AORTA

AND THE CORONARY ARTERY
BEYOND THE OBSTRUCTION.

VERY GOOD.

WHICH HEART VALVES ARE MOST COMMONLY
REPLACED IN OPEN-HEART SURGERY?

MICHELE?

I...

I DON'T KNOW, I
DIDN'T RAISE MY HAND.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. JANET?

UM... THE AORTIC
AND MITRAL VALVES.

GREAT.

WELL, THAT'LL BE IT FOR TODAY.

I LOOK FORWARD TO
SEEING YOU TOMORROW.

I MEAN, THE COLLECTIVE YOU.

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.

UM... AS A GROUP.

DISMISSED.

MICHELE...

UM, I'VE BEEN REALLY
IMPRESSED WITH...

HOW MUCH YOU'VE IMPROVED
IN THE LAST TWO SESSIONS.

WELL, WE'VE ONLY
HAD TWO SESSIONS.

RIGHT. WELL... YOU'RE
WELL ON YOUR WAY THEN.

YOU KNOW, MICHELLE, PART
OF BEING A GOOD NURSE

IS BEING ABLE TO RELAX AND
ENJOY LESS STRESSFUL ACTIVITIES.

ARE YOU GOING TO
MONTE CARLO NIGHT?

YES, I AM.

- OH.
- ALONE.

SO AM I.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

WE'RE GONNA BE THERE
SIMULTANEOUSLY, ALONE.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE...

WE COULD GO TOGETHER. EXACTLY.

LOOK, I THINK I
SHOULD TELL YOU THIS.

I'VE BEEN GOING WITH
SOMEONE FOR A WHILE NOW AND...

WELL, DUE TO OTHER
CIRCUMSTANCES SHE CAN'T GO.

OH.

BUT WE TALKED
ABOUT IT AND SHE SAID,

IT WOULD BE OKAY IF I
WENT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

SO, I MEAN, THIS WON'T
BE A DATE OR ANYTHING,

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET
THE WRONG IMPRESSION HERE.

OH, RIGHT, I MEAN, I
ASSUME WHEN WE GET THERE

WE'LL BE FREE TO
ROAM AROUND, RIGHT?

RIGHT. SO IT WON'T BE A
"TOGETHER-TOGETHER" KIND OF THING.

RIGHT, IT WON'T BE A... A DATE.

NO, MORE LIKE...
MORE LIKE A CARPOOL.

THAT'S IT, CARPOOL, YEAH...
WE'D BE SAVING ENERGY.

- YEAH, WE'D BE A
CONSERVATION KIND OF THING.
- RIGHT.

NOT A DATE.

NO. NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

NO.

BYE.

Dealer: EVERYBODY'S A
WINNER AT MONTE CARLO NIGHT.

PLACE YOUR BETS.
PLACE YOUR BETS.

Dealer: 11. HE ROLLS
AGAIN, THE WINNER.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE GONNA BREAK THE BANK.

- DOOGIE.
- JANINE, HI.

UH... MICHELLE FABER,
THIS IS JANINE STEWART.

- HI.
- HI.

- YOU'RE A STUDENT NURSE, HUH?
- YES, I AM.

- GOOD.
- WHERE'S VINNIE?

MEET AMARILLO SHORT.

UH, THIS MUST BE MICHELLE.

- HI.
- VINCENT DELPINO. NICE TO MEET YOU.

THE DIGITS ARE PRIMED AND READY
TO ROLL NOTHING BUT SEVEN'S.

COME, MY SWEET. THE
GAMING TABLES AWAIT.

- DID YOU GET A LOAD OF HER?
- OH, SHE'S GREAT.

NO, YOU DON'T LET ME FINISH...

I MEAN GREAT LIKE
IN A HORRIBLE WAY.

UHH... MEN.

WELL, I GUESS WE
CAN SPLIT UP NOW.

WHY DON'T YOU GO PLAY WHATEVER
GAME YOU LIKE AND I DO THE SAME?

- HMM, I KINDA LIKE BLACKJACK.
- YEAH, ME TOO... LET'S GO.

Spaulding: NO MORE BETS.

- ( ball clicks)
- WE HAVE A WINNER.

18 RED. CONGRATULATIONS, VINNIE.

LET IT RIDE.

OKAY, PLACE YOUR
BETS FOR THE NEXT SPIN.

YOU'RE ONE WILD, IMPULSIVE DUDE.

- ( ball clicks)
- 23 RED.

VINNIE, YOU ARE HOT.

DR. CANFIELD,

YOU'RE LIKE A GOOD LUCK CHARM.

HERE,

I WANT YOU HANGING WITH ME.

- Doogie: YEAH!
- YOU'RE GOOD!

LET IT RIDE.

- LET IT RIDE.
- Spaulding: OKAY, THE MAN
SAYS "LET IT RIDE."

I JUST LOVE YOUR EARRING.

THANK YOU.

I THINK I SAW IT AT BRENDEL'S.

YOU SHOP AT BRENDEL'S?

OH NO, MY MOM WORKS THERE, SO I
GET TO USE HER EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT.

YOU ARE SO LUCKY.

MY MOTHER'S JUST A LAWYER.

OH, YOU CAN WORK THERE TOO.

I MEAN, YOU GOT A
GREAT FASHION SENSE.

I JUST LOVE THE WAY YOU
PUT THINGS TOGETHER.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT NAVAJO BELT
THEY HAVE IN THE WINDOW?

OH, I LOVE THAT.

OH.

11, A BIG WINNER.

(all cheering)

OH, MY GOD, I'VE GOT...

I'VE GOT ENOUGH
FOR A MEXICAN CRUISE.

HEY, HEY, HEY,
WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

TO PUERTO VALLARTA. THANK YOU.

HEY, COME ON, YOU
CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE,

YOU'RE MY LUCKY CHARM.

HEY, GET 'EM DOWN. GET 'EM DOWN.

(all shouting, cheering)

GO IN FOR THE BIG
ONE, THE CARIBBEAN.

OH, VERY WELL, YOU'VE BROUGHT
ME THIS FAR, HERE WE GO.

(all cheering, applauding)

BOX CARS, A LOSER.

YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE LIKED IT DOWN THERE.

- LOT OF BAD WATER.
- PLACE YOUR BETS.

HEY LOOK, MY PARENTS
HAVE A CABIN IN BIG BEAR.

I'LL BUY YOU A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA,
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

WELL, WE DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING,
BUT WE HAD A GOOD TIME.

WE DID, AND THAT'S WHAT COUNTS.

I WOULD'VE LOVED THAT TOASTER.

(giggles)

WELL, DR. HOWSER,

THANKS FOR...
CARPOOLING WITH ME.

ANY TIME. WE CARPOOL
WELL TOGETHER.

IT'D BE WRONG RIGHT NOW.

OKAY. I UNDERSTAND.

WELL, I HAD A GREAT TIME.

THANKS.

BYE.

WHY DID I DO THAT?

I DID THE RIGHT THING, DIDN'T I?

WHY AM I TALKING TO A TREE?

I'M SORRY.

( rock music playing)

Wanda: EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU
CHECK ON THOSE PIZZAS, PLEASE?

- THANKS.
- (all chuckling)

DO YOU THINK THAT GUY'S SPORTING
AN ARTIFICIAL TURF ON HIS HEAD?

THERE'S A SANTA ANA
WIND COMING IN TOMORROW.

HE'D BETTER GET A CHIN
STRAP FOR THAT THING.

LOOKS LIKE A WHARF RAT
CRAWLED UP THERE AND DIED.

WHERE IS THAT PIZZA?
I GOTTA GET HOME,

THE BABYSITTER'S
ONLY GOOD TILL 10.00.

I THOUGHT WE'RE GOING
UP THE PIER AFTER THIS.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT,

MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST TAKE A CAB HOME.

- ARE YOU KIDDING?
- THAT'S OKAY, I'LL BE
ALL RIGHT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S
OKAY, I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.

- HERE'S FOR THE PIZZA.
- FINE.

THANKS, TINA.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT JUST STRUCK ME.

BABYSITTERS ARE THE BACKBONE
OF THE POPCORN INDUSTRY.

YOU SIT FOR YOUR FIRST
KID, BANG, ADDICTED FOR LIFE.

YEAH?

ARE WE OKAY?

YEAH.

- WHAT'S GOING ON WITH US?
- IT'S NOT US.

IT'S ME... I KNOW I'VE BEEN
NO FUN TO BE AROUND.

NO, NO, A LOT HAS HAPPENED.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER WHEN...

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S LIKE...

I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE.

EVER SINCE MY MOM DIED,

I HAVE NO FEELINGS
ABOUT HAVING FUN

OR BEING AFFECTIONATE
OR ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
SEE EACH OTHER ANY MORE.

LATELY, THE ONLY TIME
I REALLY FEEL GOOD

IS WHEN I'M IN THIS
HOUSE WITH MY FAMILY.

I'M SORRY, DOOGIE.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW I WANNA
SAY, "LET'S NOT DO THIS,"

TRY TO WORK AT
MAKING THINGS BETTER.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND...

AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

- AND YOU TAUGHT ME SO...
- I KNOW ALL THAT.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

I HATE THIS.

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, JANINE SAID,
MICHELE'S REALLY NICE.

DOOGIE, DOOGIE...

GUESS WHAT...?

I DID GREAT WITH THE
BLOOD TAKING TODAY,

BUT I WAS REALLY SCARED
BECAUSE THE FIRST GUY

HAD THIS REALLY
FAT ARM, YOU KNOW,

BUT I JUST REMEMBERED
YOUR ADVICE

AND IT WORKED LIKE A CHARM.

TERRIFIC. THAT'S...
THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

WELL, I...

I JUST WANTED TO
THANK YOU AGAIN, SO...

THAT'S IT, I GUESS.

MICHELE...

I HAVE SOME NEWS TOO,
IT'S NOT QUITE AS EXCITING.

UH...

MY GIRLFRIEND AND
I DECIDED TO STOP

SEEING EACH OTHER
A FEW DAYS AGO.

- I'M SORRY.
- NO, I'M ALL RIGHT WITH IT.

SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE BEST, I GUESS I DO TOO.

SO...?

SO I WAS WONDERING IF...

YOU WANTED TO GO
OUT WITH ME SOME TIME.

- A REAL DATE?
- YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH, I THINK I WOULD.

EXCELLENT.

OH, WAS THAT A FABULOUS
LAST SCENE OR WHAT?

OH, AND THOSE CLASSIC LINES,
"WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS."

"HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID."

(giggling) THAT WAS A GREAT
CHOICE TONIGHT, DOOGIE.

YOU KNOW, I BET I'VE
SEEN "CASABLANCA"

25 TIMES, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I COULD SEE IT ANOTHER 50.

HMM, WELL, WHY DON'T WE GO BACK NEXT
WEEK? THEY'RE SHOWING "THE MALTESE FALCON."

(gasps)

I'D HAVE COME BACK TO
YOU SOONER OR LATER.

FROM THE VERY FIRST
INSTANT THAT I SAW YOU, I KNEW.

YOU GET A GOOD BREAK,
YOU'LL BE OUT OF TEHACHAPI

IN 20 YEARS AND YOU CAN
COME BACK FOR ME THEN.

I HOPE THEY DON'T HANG YOU,
PRECIOUS, BY YOUR SWEET NECK.

THIS COULD BE THE BEGINNING
OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

- (gasps)
- (both giggle)

A SIX-LETTER WORD FOR "ROMANCE."

HICKIE.

WELL, IT'S ROMANTIC TO ME.

- HI.
- SO, DOOG...

HOW DID IT GO WITH MICHELE? YOU
TWO PLAYED A LITTLE... TONSIL HOCKEY?

VINCENT, A GENTLEMAN

NEVER KISSES AND TELLS.

- SO, HOW DID IT GO?
- Doogie: IT WAS GREAT.

WE WENT AND SAW A MOVIE

AND THINGS JUST GOT A
LITTLE LATER THAN I THOUGHT.

THINGS?

WHAT KIND OF THINGS?

UNSPEAKABLE THINGS?

THINGS YOU DID IN THE
DARK? THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO?

NO, NO, NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

WE JUST SAW "CASABLANCA"
AND I DROVE HER HOME.

NO, NO, NO...

NO, I'M NOT BUYING
THIS COVER-UP.

YOU FORGET, I'M PSYCHIC.

I'M SENSING SOME
VERY HEAVY VIBES HERE.

OH, WAIT. AH-HA.

I'M GETTING A VISION.

I SEE THE TWO OF YOU GOING
TO SEE ANOTHER BOGART CLASSIC.

UH...

"THE MALTESE FALCON" PERHAPS.

ACTUALLY, WE WERE
THINKING ABOUT SEEING THAT.

WAIT, WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

I CAN SEE THE TWO OF YOU

MEETING IN THE
HOSPITAL CAFETERIA

AT 2:00...

NO, NO, 4:00 TOMORROW,

SHARING A FROZEN YOGURT PERHAPS.

THIS WOMAN THINKS OF
YOU AS SOMETHING SPECIAL.

AH-HA... I SEE THIS AS THE
BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

GET OUTTA HERE.

AND DON'T CROSS ME, I'M PSYCHIC.

- SEE YOU, DR. H.
- GOOD NIGHT, VINCENT.

PSYCHIC.

- SO...
- ( door closes)

YOU'RE OKAY?

YEAH, I'M OKAY.

MICHELE'S REALLY
NICE AND ALL, BUT...

A COUPLE OF TIMES TONIGHT I
CAUGHT MYSELF THINKING ABOUT WANDA.

DOOGIE...

YOU'LL NEVER FORGET
YOUR FIRST LOVE.

YOU'LL BE THINKING ABOUT
WANDA FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

SO I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT TO FEEL
HAPPY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME?

GOOD NIGHT, SON.

- (answering machine beeps)
- Hi, Doogie, it's Michele.

Uhm... I just wanted to
thank you for a great evening.

I can't wait to see
"The Maltese Falcon."

Can you meet me in the
cafeteria at 4:00 tomorrow

and maybe we can share a
frozen yogurt or something?

Doogie, I really think
you're something special.

And yes, this could
be the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

- ( dial tone rings)
- DELPINO!

SEE, I TOLD YOU I WAS PSYCHIC.

(computer beeps)

(theme music playing)

(orchestra playing
Vivaldi's "Four Seasons")