Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 2, Episode 18 - My Two Dads - full transcript

Upset that his father won't spend any time with him, Vinnie convinces Doogie and his dad to take them on their annual fishing trip.

Dr. Howser: TENT. LIFE
JACKETS. SLEEPING BAG.

MM-HMM. (humming)

OH! I LOVE THIS...
GETTING BACK TO BASICS.

IT REALLY BRINGS OUT
THE PIONEER SPIRIT IN ME.

DO I LOOK LIKE I'M
READY TO CLIMB A ROCK?

THIS IS GONNA BE ONE OF THE
GREATEST ADVENTURES OF OUR LIVES.

FATHER AND SON
BATTLING THE ELEMENTS

LIKE SOMETHING
OUT OF JACK LONDON.

YO, DOOG!

HEY, LOOK AT THIS. THE GUYS
ARE CLEARING OUT THE GARAGE.

ABOUT TIME.



WHAT'S THIS? THE VILLAGE
PEOPLE ARE BACK IN STYLE?

NO, DAD AND I ARE GOING
FISHING TOMORROW.

ARE YOU EXPECTING HEAD INJURIES?

VINCENT, WE'VE ADDED A LITTLE
VERTICAL ADVENTURE THIS YEAR.

DOUGLAS AND I ARE
GONNA SCALE DEVIL'S PEAK.

YEAH, DAD USED TO ROCK
CLIMB WHEN HE WAS IN COLLEGE.

JEEZ. YOU KNOW,
HARDLY A DAY GOES BY

WHEN I DON'T SEE SOME
AMAZING NEW FACET

OF YOUR PERSONALITY, DR. H.

YOU'RE LIKE, THIS... WONDER-MAN!

I'VE ALWAYS HELD TO THE BELIEF

THAT LIFE IS A DARING ESCAPADE

OR NOTHING AT ALL.

I'LL JUST GET THE FLARE GUN.



(humming)

OOF. I FEEL SORRY
FOR YOU, HOWSER.

AN ENTIRE WEEKEND OF
DANGLING FROM ROPES

AND GUTTING FISH
WITH YOUR OLD MAN.

HEY, LAST YEAR'S TRIP
TURNED OUT TO BE GREAT.

AS STUPID AS IT SOUNDS, IT'S KIND
OF COOL TO HANG OUT WITH MY DAD.

ANYWAY, I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO CLIMB DEVIL'S PEAK.

HOWSER, YOU KNOW,

THIS “ME AND MY DAD” THING
IS GETTING A LITTLE CREEPY.

NEXT THING, YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE
WEARING MATCHING PENNY LOAFERS.

WELL, THIS IS THE LAST OF IT.

AND WE LEAVE AT
DAYBREAK TOMORROW.

- OH, HOLD IT. THERE'S
SOMETHING HANGING HERE.
- Dr. Howser: NO, VINCENT!

COOL BOAT, DR. H.!

(theme music playing)

NO, I'LL TELL YA WHAT
THE PROBLEM IS, PHIL...

I'M IN THE SHOWERHEAD
BUSINESS AND YOU SEND ME

5,000 BATHTUB STOPPERS.

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE
TO TAKE BATHS!

- THAT'S THE POINT, ISN'T IT?
- (knock at door)

- HEY, DAD.
- I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

I DON'T WANT ANY MONEY.

I WAS JUST THINKING
THAT MAYBE YOU AND ME

COULD DO SOMETHING
TOGETHER THIS WEEKEND.

KINDA LIKE A FATHER-SON THING?

PHIL, I GOTTA GO.

- ARE YOU IN SOME
KIND OF TROUBLE?
- NO.

HEY, HOW 'BOUT A GAME?
LAKERS ARE HOME SUNDAY.

- YOU GOT TICKETS?
- NO, BUT...

GREAT. NOW HE WANTS TO THROW
300 BUCKS AT SOME SCALPER.

- MY SON, MR. MONEYBAGS.
- KIDS.

YOU WANT TO DO
SOMETHING TOGETHER?

HOW 'BOUT HELPING ME
WITH THIS INVENTORY?

I MEANT SOMETHING FUN.

WELL, THIS IS FUN, WHEN YOU
GET INTO THE RHYTHM OF IT.

DOOGIE AND HIS DAD GO ON THIS
ADVENTURE VACATION EVERY YEAR...

SLEEPIN' AND FISHIN'
IN THE WILD AND STUFF.

WELL, THEY'RE DOCTORS, VINCENT.

THEY MAKE THEIR OWN HOURS.

I CAN'T JUST QUIT WORK AND GO PLAY
IN THE WOODS ANYTIME YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

WELL, I JUST THOUGHT WE
COULD DO STUFF TOGETHER.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE THAT MUCH OF
EACH OTHER WITH ME IN COLLEGE NEXT YEAR.

LOOK, YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE,
SOMEBODY'S GOTTA SUPPORT YOU.

NOW, THERE'S TWO
THINGS WE DO TOGETHER...

YOU HAVE FUN, AND I BUST
MY BUTT TO PAY FOR IT.

- PHIL?
- FORGET IT.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE? YEAH, YEAH.

HOW HIGH IS THIS DEVIL'S PEAK?

OH, IT'S JUST A
STEEP-ISH HILL, DEAR.

- YOU WILL BE CAREFUL,
WON'T YOU?
- YES, DEAR.

- DID YOU BRING
YOUR KAOPECTATE?
- OHH, KATHERINE...

- I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE
OF HIM, MOM.
- OKAY.

OH. NEW BOAT?

YES. THE INFLATABLE
SUSTAINED A FEW PUNCTURES

ON ITS MAIDEN VOYAGE.

- (chuckles) OH, MRS. H.
- Doogie: HERE, DAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE GUYS?

THEY ADVENTURERS OR WHAT?

ME, I'M JUST GONNA BE SITTIN'
AROUND WATCHIN' MY TOENAILS GROW.

- GOOD-BYE, DEAR.
- GOOD-BYE, HONEY.

- BYE, MOM.
- BE CAREFUL.

YOU KNOW, I BET I WOULDN'T
BE HALF-BAD IN THE WILDERNESS.

REMEMBER WHEN WE
WERE IN BOY SCOUTS, DOOG?

I WAS THE ONLY GUY WHO COULD
START A FIRE WITHOUT A MATCH.

'COURSE, I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE
WAITED TILL WE WERE OUTSIDE THE CABIN,

BUT, HEY, I DID IT.

- YEAH, WELL,
WE'LL SEE YA, VIN.
- CIAO, BUDDY.

YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY
A NATURE-LOVER AT HEART.

I LOVE ALL THOSE
WILDERNESS SHOWS...

GRIZZLY ADAMS, LITTLE
HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE,

MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME.

YOU WANT TO DRIVE THE
FIRST HALF, DOUGLAS?

I'LL DRIVE THE WHOLE
WAY IF WE GO NOW.

ARE YOU REALLY ALONE
THIS WEEKEND, VINNIE?

OH, MRS. H., DON'T
WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'M USED TO BEING
LEFT OUT OF THINGS.

OH, PLEASE.

OHH.

“OHH”?

VINCENT, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
COME WITH US THIS WEEKEND?

- ME? I COULDN'T.
- OKAY, SON, LET'S GO.

I MEAN, I'D HATE TO THINK THAT I WAS
BUSTIN' UP A FATHER-SON BONDING THING.

VINNIE, DR. HOWSER WOULDN'T HAVE
ASKED YOU IF HE DIDN'T WANT YOU.

RIGHT, DEAR?

(sighs)

I, UH... I SUPPOSE NOT.

YOU GUYS!

I'M MISTING UP.

JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, AND
I'LL GET MY THINGS TOGETHER.

♪ WHOA-OA, WHOA-OA,
CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪

♪ WHOA-OA, WHOA-OA,
CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪

♪ WHOA-OA, WHOA-OA,
CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪

- ♪ WHOA-OA,
STOP, HAMMER TIME! ♪
- VINNIE...

- ♪ WHO-OA ♪
- VINNIE...

- WHAT?
- YOU'RE SCARING THE FISH.

YOU'RE SCARING THE BIRDS. YOU'RE
SCARING THE CAMPERS IN THE NEXT COUNTY.

OH.

SORRY.

(ducks quacking)

ANYBODY HUNGRY?

WE JUST ATE, WHAT,
20 MINUTES AGO.

EH. SEEMS LONGER SOMEHOW.

SO WHAT DO WE DO WHILE WE
WAIT? PLAY CARDS OR SOMETHING?

(chuckling) WE JUST WAIT...

AND FILL OUR LUNGS WITH
CLEAN, UNPOLLUTED AIR.

(inhaling) AHH!

ISN'T THAT SWEET?

(inhaling, choking)

OH, MAN! I INHALED A BUG!

(choking)

SIT DOWN! YOU'RE
ROCKING THE BOAT!

IT'S GONNA EAT ITS
WAY INTO MY BRAINS!

- SIT DOWN.
- YOU'RE A DOCTOR! DO SOMETHING!

- VIN, YOU GOT A BITE.
- WHERE?

- ON YOUR LINE.
- OH.

DR. HOWSER, WHAT DO I DO?

- WHAT DO I DO?
- TAKE IT EASY.

EASY!

BE CALM, BE CALM.
REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU.

RIGHT, RIGHT. SET THE THING.

TURN THE WHATTYACALLIT.
HOW AM I DOIN'? OKAY?

YEAH, YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT. I THINK
YOU'VE REALLY GOT A FLAIR FOR THIS.

- WHOA, VINNIE! LOOK AT THIS!
- WHOA!

OH! BRING IT OVER. (chuckling)

- AAH! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
- (chuckling)

WOW, LOOK AT THAT. I'M GONNA HAVE
HIM STUFFED AND PUT HIM ON MY WALL.

THAT'D HAVE TO BE
A PRETTY BIG WALL.

HEY, GET OUT OF HERE, HOWSER.
I'M THE FISHERMAN AROUND HERE.

- GIVE ME THIS.
- HEY, THAT'S MY HAT.

- CAREFUL... HEY, HEY.
- IT BELONGED TO MY GRANDFATHER.

CALM DOWN, BOYS. CALM DOWN.

WELL, EXCUSE ME.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD TO
NAIL 'EM WITH A SWEAT BAND.

- WELL...
- WOULD YOU PLEASE GET THE COOLER?

HERE, LET ME DO THAT, DR. H.

- WHOA, HE'S MAKING
A RUN FOR IT.
- WATCH OUT, VINNIE!

WHOA!

YOU GUYS! (chuckling)

ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH, HUH?

(chuckling)

(snoring)

(snoring)

(snoring continues)

I THINK I'LL TAKE
A LITTLE STROLL.

THAT'S IT.

OH, BABY.

OH, BABY!

COME TO DADDY!

- VINNIE...
- AHH!

WHAT? WHAT?

YOU WERE SNORING.

THAT'S NEWS? ALL DELPINOS SNORE.

YES, BUT THEY DO IT
IN THEIR OWN HOME.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I HEARD THAT!

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, HOWSER?
I'M STARTING TO GET THE IMPRESSION

THAT YOU DON'T WANT ME HERE.

WELL, IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN,
YOUR FATHER INVITED ME... I'M A GUEST.

YOU DIDN'T GIVE HIM MUCH
OF A CHOICE, DID YOU?

OH, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS 'CAUSE
I CAUGHT A FISH AND YOU DIDN'T.

VINNIE, THIS WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE MY WEEKEND WITH MY DAD.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO, GO LOCK MYSELF IN THE TRUNK?

WHY DON'T YOU GO FISHING
WITH YOUR OWN FATHER?

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?

- VINCENT?
- LEAVE ME ALONE!

DOUGLAS...

THANKS FOR COMIN' AFTER ME.

BOY, IS IT DARK OUT THERE.

I COULD JUST SENSE I WAS
SURROUNDED BY ANIMALS,

BUT I COULDN'T SEE ANY.

SORRY I KICKED YOU DOWN THERE,
DOOG... I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE A BEAR.

THAT'S OKAY. I'M
SORRY I BLEW UP AT YOU.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. I REALLY SHOULD
BE DOING THIS STUFF WITH MY OWN DAD.

TROUBLE IS, HE ACTS LIKE HE'D RATHER
HAVE DENTAL WORK THAN HANG OUT WITH ME.

OH, I'M SURE THAT'S
NOT TRUE, VINCENT.

I JUST AIN'T THE TYPE OF
SON MY DAD HAD IN MIND.

HE WANTS SOME STRAPPING
GUY WITH A FOOTBALL

IN ONE HAND AND A LUG
WRENCH IN THE OTHER.

INSTEAD, HE GETS SOME SHRIMP
WHO WANTS TO MAKE MOVIES.

REMEMBER HE HAD THAT THEORY
ABOUT THE MIX-UP IN THE HOSPITAL?

MAYBE HE JUST NEEDS TO
GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, VIN.

WELL, HEY, I DON'T WANT US TO BE
LIKE SOME HALLMARK COMMERCIAL,

HUGGIN' AND SLAPPIN' EACH
OTHER ON THE BACK ALL THE TIME.

I JUST WISH THAT ONCE HE'D
SHOW SOME INTEREST IN ME.

I MEAN, AM I REALLY THAT
MUCH OF A LET-DOWN?

OH, COME ON.

YOU KNOW, VINCENT, MY
FATHER WAS A VERY ALOOF MAN.

YOU HAD TO PRY EVERY
SENTENCE OUT OF HIM.

AND I SWORE WHEN I GREW UP

THAT I WASN'T GONNA
FOLLOW HIS EXAMPLE.

BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,

I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I ADOPTED A FRIEND'S FAMILY.

THAT WOULDN'T BE THE
BALLANTINE FAMILY, WOULD IT?

- BIG-HEAD-US AND BUZZ?
- IT WOULD.

AND... AND IN A WAY,

I WISH THEY HADN'T MADE
IT SO COMFORTABLE FOR ME.

UH, IT STOPPED ME
FROM GOING TO MY HOUSE

AND WORKING OUT
THINGS WITH MY FATHER.

(owl hooting)

IS HE TRYIN' TO TELL
ME TO GO HOME?

I DON'T THINK SO.

NO, WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT, UH,

IF YOU FEEL YOU'RE NOT
GETTING WHAT YOU NEED

FROM YOUR FATHER,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY

ASKING HIM FOR IT.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, DR. H.

SOON AS I GET BACK, I'M
GONNA GO HAVE ONE OF THOSE

SERIOUS-TALK THINGS
WITH MY OLD MAN.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪

- ♪ KUMBAYA ♪
- (laughing)

COME ON, YOU GUYS
KNOW THE WORDS.

(all) ♪ KUMBAYA, MY LORD ♪

♪ KUMBAYA... ♪

- (grunting)
- (singing fades)

IT'S NO GOOD, DR. H.
MY LEGS ARE LIKE JELL-O.

MY HEAD'S SPINNIN'. I'M
PARALYZED WITH FEAR.

JUST RELAX AND GET
SETTLED IN, VINCENT.

WE'VE GOT ALL DAY. DEVIL'S
PEAK ISN'T GONNA GO ANYWHERE.

DOOG! TELL HIM!

TELL HIM IT AIN'T NATURAL FOR
HUMAN BEINGS TO HANG OVER CLIFFS!

WELL, ACTUALLY, VINNIE, CLIMBING IS ONE
OF THE MOST ATAVISTIC HUMAN REFLEXES.

REMEMBER, WE'RE
DESCENDED FROM APES.

YEAH, WELL, I'M
DESCENDED FROM ITALIANS.

- WE'RE A SEA-LOVING PEOPLE.
- OH, YOU'LL BE FINE.

THAT'S GREAT, COMING FROM THE MAN
WHO'S SPENDING HIS ENTIRE AFTERNOON

WITH BOTH FEET ON THE GROUND.

HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
I GOT AN EAR INFECTION.

MUST'VE BEEN FROM
THAT DIP IN THE LAKE.

READY FOR THE NEXT STEP, VINNIE?

- Doogie: GOOD LUCK.
- FORGET LUCK.

PRAY!

(grunting)

OKAY. COME AHEAD, VINNIE.

DR. H., DID WE BRING OXYGEN?

THE AIR'S A LITTLE THIN UP HERE.

NO, WE'RE NOT NEARLY
HIGH ENOUGH FOR THAT.

OHH! WELL, WELL.

HERE'S THE CHALLENGE.

- OH, GOD, NO! PLEASE!
- NO, WE'RE ALL RIGHT.

WE WILL CONQUER THIS WITH A
DYNAMO MOVE. THAT'S 'MO, FOR SHORT.

- I DON'T THINK I WANT
TO KNOW THAT THAT IS.
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE LEAP.

YOU'RE IN THE AIR FOR
A SPLIT SECOND, YOU

GRASP FOR YOUR HOLD,
AND THEN YOU'VE DONE IT.

YOU KNOW, DR. H., I'M STARTING TO
LIKE THE SCENERY RIGHT AROUND HERE.

IF YOU WANT TO GO ON WITHOUT
ME, I WOULDN'T BE OFFENDED.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. NOW, I
WANT YOU TO BELAY ON HERE.

COME AROUND.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, THEN,

GET A GOOD GRIP ON THAT
ROPE WHILE I JUMP, VINCENT.

TOO MUCH SLACK NOW
COULD SPELL DISASTER.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE PUTTING
YOUR LIFE INTO MY HANDS?

- YES.
- WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

I TRUST YOU, VINCENT.

NOW, HOLD TIGHT AND WATCH ME.

(grunts, chuckles)

VERY GOOD, DR. H.!

(chuckles) NOW, PULL OUT
THAT CAMMING DEVICE.

ALL RIGHT. THROW
THAT ROPE OVER HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW...

GET READY TO JUMP.

COULDN'T YOU JUST
SORT OF PULL ME OVER?

NOW, YOU CAN DO THIS. THE TRICK
IS TO BLOCK EVERYTHING ELSE OUT.

JUST VISUALIZE YOURSELF
VAULTING THROUGH THE AIR

AND FASTENING TO THE
LIMESTONE LIKE A LIMPET.

I'M VISUALIZING MY BRAIN
SPLATTERED OVER A ROCK.

WHAT THE HELL IS A LIMPET?

YOU'VE GOTTA THINK POSITIVELY.

NOW, COME ON. UNLEASH
THE TIGER IN YOUR HEART.

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW
ME TOO GOOD, DR. H.

I AIN'T THE TIGER-IN-THE-HEART
TYPE OF GUY.

ALTHOUGH THERE IS SOMETHING
MOVING IN MY INTESTINES RIGHT NOW.

VINNIE, I'VE KNOWN YOU

SINCE YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY,

AND YOU'VE GOT
THE GUTS TO DO THIS.

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

- NO, I'M NOT.
- YES, YOU ARE.

- NO, I'M NOT.
- YES, YOU ARE.

VINNIE, JUMP!

(yelling)

- (laughing)
- WHAT HAPPENED?

- AM I DEAD?
- WELL DONE. THAT WAS MAGNIFICENT.

YEAH.

YEAH!

MAN, I WISH I HAD
SOME SPRAY PAINT.

I'D WRITE MY NAME
UP HERE FOREVER.

OKAY. WHAT'S THE NEXT CHALLENGE?

SO I STARTED WONDERIN',
WHAT IF I NEVER GET FACIAL HAIR?

I MEAN, WHAT AM I, AN ESKIMO?
ITALIANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SWARTHY.

- UH-HUH.
- WHAT HAPPENED?

- WE RAN OUT OF ROCK.
- THIS IS IT, VINNIE.

THE SUMMIT.

YOU MEAN, LIKE, THE TOP?

I MADE IT!

HEY, EVERYBODY!
LOOK AT ME! (echoing)

I FEEL LIKE A GIANT.

I FEEL AT LEAST
FIVE-FOOT-ELEVEN!

Doogie: SAY “CHEESE,” VINNIE.

- (shutter clicks)
- HOWSER, HOW'D YOU
GET UP HERE?

I WALKED. THERE'S A
PATH UP THE OTHER SIDE.

YOU MEAN, I COULDA
STROLLED UP HERE?

CONGRATULATIONS, VINNIE.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I'M RISKIN'
MY LIFE MAKIN' DYNAMO MOVES,

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN SWEATIN'.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE FELL
FOR THAT “EAR” THING.

SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING, BUDDY?

- JEALOUS.
- HMM.

WELL, IT WAS VERY GENEROUS
OF YOU TO GIVE THIS UP,

AND VINNIE REALLY NEEDED IT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT,
DAD. AND SOMEDAY,

AFTER YEARS OF COSTLY
AND PAINFUL ANALYSIS,

I'LL PROBABLY FORGIVE YOU BOTH.

GUYS! I SEE A SNAKE!

ARE THERE PYTHONS IN CALIFORNIA?

YOU KNOW, THEY COULD SWALLOW A
PIG, AND I AIN'T A WHOLE LOT BIGGER.

- AND THE JOB CONTINUES.
- MM-HMM.

- HEY, YOU BUSY?
- I'M ALWAYS BUSY.

- NO, I MEAN,
ARE YOU REALLY BUSY?
- WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHIN'. I JUST THOUGHT
MAYBE WE'D TALK.

OH.

- HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?
- IT WAS GOOD.

- WHAT'D YOU DO?
- OH, YOU KNOW... STUFF.

OH, HERE.

- WHAT'S THIS?
- THAT'S ME,

ON TOP OF DEVIL'S PEAK.

I CLIMBED IT.

IT'S A 150-FOOT SHEER
DROP TO THE GROUND.

YOU CAN SEE FOUR
COUNTIES FROM THE TOP.

THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF
FUN... CLIMBING A ROCK?

WELL, IT WASN'T EASY OR NOTHIN'.

COULD'VE FALLEN AND
BUSTED YOUR HEAD, VINCENT.

WIPED OUT MY INSURANCE.

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T FALL,
DAD. THAT'S THE POINT.

WELL, THAT'S...
THAT'S AN EXTRA COPY.

SEE YA.

- HEY, PETE.
- HEY, VINNIE.

HEY, PETE, COME HERE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS?

- MY SON, A ROCK-CLIMBER.
- THAT'S VINNIE?

UH-HUH. HEY! IT'S
CALLED DEVIL'S PEAK.

IT'S A 150-FOOT SHEER
DROP TO THE GROUND.

YOU CAN SEE FOUR
COUNTIES FROM THE TOP.

WHAT AM I GONNA
DO WITH THAT KID?

(chuckling)

(beeps)

(theme music playing)

(orchestra playing
Vivaldi's "Four Seasons")

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