Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 2, Episode 11 - Oh Very Young - full transcript

After being dumped by McGuire, Curly starts dating the newly divorced Dr. Canfield. Doogie is chosen as one of five doctors to work with a highly-respected reconstructive surgeon.

Radio deejay: Madonna tickets
go on sale this morning, L.A.

The line is already
around the block.

So hook up your V-8,
get down there, and soon.

BONJOUR, LADIES.

BONJOUR.

JUST MY LUCK. LINGUISTICALLY
DEFICIENT BABES.

(chatter, laughter)

YOU KNOW, DOOG, THE ENTIRE
HISTORY OF OUR GREAT COUNTRY

COULD BE DEDUCED BY
STUDYING WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.

THIS OUGHT TO BE
WORTH LISTENING TO. GO.

TAKE ANCIENT TIMES,



THE '50s.

OUR COUNTRY WAS VERY UPTIGHT.

WOMEN WORE
UTILITARIAN BRASSIERES...

PLAIN WHITE COTTON, THREE
HOOKS. WE'RE TALKING MONSTER BRAS.

- THAT'S INSIGHTFUL.
- BUT THEN CAME THE '60s.

THINGS LOOSENED UP. THE
YOUTH MOVEMENT KICKED IN.

BURN THAT BRA!
LET IT ALL HANG OUT.

THE BEAUTY OF THE NATURAL WOMAN

FULLY VISIBLE UNDER A
DIAPHANOUS TIE-DYED GARMENT.

- RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON.
- BUT THEN...

CAME THE '70s.

NIXON WAS PRESIDENT. WATERGATE.

AMERICA WAS DEPRESSED.

WOMEN WENT BACK TO
COVERING THEIR BREASTS.



IT WAS A BLACK ERA.

BUT THIS IS A GREAT
COUNTRY, DOOG.

WE WERE DOWN BUT NOT OUT.

THE '80s CAME ALONG, AND
AS A NATION WE RALLIED.

AMERICAN WOMANHOOD STOOD TALL,

TOOK OFF THEIR BLOUSES AND SAID,

"I'M PROUD! I'M FREE!

I'M GOING TO WEAR MY UNDERWEAR

- ON THE OUTSIDE!"
- (people chuckle)

♪ AMERICA ♪

♪ AMERICA ♪

♪ GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEE ♪

♪ AND CROWNED THY... ♪

(theme music playing)

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Man: THE PATIENT IS A
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD FEMALE,

HEATHER DAVISON.

SHE WAS RIDING IN THE
FRONT SEAT OF THE FAMILY CAR,

UNSECURED BY A SAFETY BELT,

WHEN THE VEHICLE WAS STRUCK
HEAD-ON BY A DRUNK DRIVER.

THE CHILD WAS THROWN
FORWARD BY THE IMPACT

AND FIRST STRUCK THE
DASHBOARD WITH HER ARMS,

RESULTING IN MULTIPLE
FRACTURES OF HER LEFT FOREARM.

WITHIN A FRACTION OF A SECOND,
HER FACE STRUCK THE DASHBOARD,

FRACTURING THE FACIAL BONES GOING
THROUGH THE FRONTAL AND ETHMOID SINUSES.

THE MOMENTUM CARRIED HER
BODY THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD,

RESULTING IN MULTIPLE
LACERATIONS OF HER FACE.

THESE ARE THE...
PRE-OP PHOTOGRAPHS.

THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE YOU KNOW

PUTS A CHILD INTO AN AUTOMOBILE

WITHOUT SECURING
THEIR SAFETY BELT,

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER HOW
WE FEEL AT THIS MOMENT.

MY TOTAL OPERATING TIME WAS
EIGHT HOURS AND 10 MINUTES.

IT'S BEEN SIX WEEKS
SINCE THE SURGERY.

I CONSIDERED SHOWING
YOU POST-OPERATIVE PHOTOS,

BUT DECIDED AGAINST IT.

BUT I WOULD LIKE
YOU TO MEET SOMEONE

WHO IS VERY CLOSE TO THE CASE.

(clears throat)

- HI, YOU LITTLE...
- OH, MY...

HI, DR. JONATHAN.

WILL YOU SAY HELLO
TO THE DOCTORS?

DO I GET MY ICE CREAM NOW?

UM, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, I HAVE A DATE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I THINK WE CAN ALL SEE

WHY DR. REARDON IS CONSIDERED

ONE OF THE PREMIERE CRANIOFACIAL
SURGEONS IN THE UNITED STATES.

EASTMAN IS HONORED
TO HAVE HIM HERE

AS A VISITING PROFESSOR.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL
ANXIOUS TO FIND OUT

WHICH OF YOU WERE
CHOSEN TO WORK WITH HIM.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU ALL QUALIFY,

BUT I HAD TO NARROW
IT DOWN TO FIVE.

THE LIST OF NAMES IS POSTED

ON THE GROUND FLOOR
BULLETIN BOARD, AND I JUST...

(overlapping dialogue)

WANTED TO THANK
YOU FOR YOUR TIME

AND PATIENCE.

YES!

THE MAN'S GOT TASTE.

(laughing)

YES!

YES!

YES!

GUESS WHAT? DOOGIE GOT ME TWO
TICKETS TO THE MADONNA CONCERT.

SO GET YOUR BUSTIER
OUT OF THE CLEANERS,

AND I WILL PICK YOU
UP SATURDAY AT 7:00.

CURLY, WE HAVE TO TALK.

OH. SO TALK.

MONICA'S BACK IN TOWN.

- I THOUGHT YOU HATED HER.
- I THOUGHT I DID, TOO.

UM...

SHE MOVED BACK FROM NEW YORK, AND
WE STARTED SEEING EACH OTHER AGAIN.

I DIDN'T KNOW MY FEELINGS
FOR HER WERE STILL SO STRONG.

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE
IT. SHE OVERWHELMS ME.

AND I DON'T?

(sighs) FINE.

- CURLY.
- I KNOW, I KNOW,
YOU'RE SORRY.

GOOD EVENING.

NURSE SPAULDING, I WANTED
TO SEE YOU ABOUT THE ROSTER

- FOR NEXT WEEK.
- GREAT.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.

WELL...

I WANTED TO ASSIGN...

I MAY BE OVERSTEPPING
MY BOUNDS HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ME WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU'RE MY BOSS. IT
WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
- I'M A SCAG.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON.
- A SCAG, A GIRL
NOBODY WANTS.

NURSE SPAULDING,

YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY

NOWHERE CLOSE TO A SCAG.

(sobs) YOU SURE?

POSITIVE.

YOU ARE AN EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL

AND DESIRABLE YOUNG WOMAN.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYBODY
NOT WANTING YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
ON PAPER I LOOK GREAT.

SOMETHING HAPPENS
WHEN I HIT THE REAL WORLD.

I EITHER GET GUYS WHO
COULDN'T CARE LESS

OR BUMS WHO JUST
WANT TO JUMP MY BONES.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

DON'T APOLOGIZE.

I'VE HEARD THINGS
LIKE THAT BEFORE.

I'VE BEEN AROUND.

(suppressed laughter) I'M SORRY.

I'M SURE YOU'VE
BEEN AROUND PLENTY.

- (chuckles)
- (sighs)

GOD, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

I'M BACK IN THE
SINGLES MARKET AGAIN.

- IT JUST...
- SUCKS.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, ONCE I
WAS SO DESPERATE,

I WENT OUT WITH A GUY ON PAROLE.

- REALLY?
- NICE GUY,

EXCEPT HE HAD THESE
BEADY LITTLE EYES.

I...

- I PUT AN AD
IN A MAGAZINE.
- NO WAY.

"SINGLE MALE
PROFESSIONAL, NONSMOKER,

SEEKS FEMALE EQUIVALENT."

NOW, THAT'S A GRABBER.

WELL...

I HAVE TROUBLE SELLING MYSELF.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

"ACCOMPLISHED PHYSICIAN.

SENSITIVE, ATTRACTIVE,

- WAVY BROWN..."
- HAIRS?

"GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR."

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DIVORCED?

YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

HOSPITAL GRAPEVINE.

THE DETAILS ARE REALLY SKETCHY.

HER NAME WAS GRETA. YOU MET AT
BOSTON U. YOU WERE MARRIED 12 YEARS.

SHE LEFT YOU FOR A GOLF PRO,
TOOK THE HOUSE IN WESTWOOD,

A BRAND-NEW LINCOLN TOWN CAR, A
GOOD ALIMONY SETTLEMENT, AND THE DOG.

GOD.

I MISS THAT DOG.

- (band playing rock music)
- (audience cheering)

Man: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. GOOD NIGHT!

- All: MADONNA! MADONNA!
- Man: ARE YOU READY, L.A.?

ARE YOU READY FOR MADONNA?

(cheering)

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

- YES! YES!
- (screaming)

Canfield: I LOVE YOU, MADONNA!
I LOVE YOU, MADONNA!

BEHIND YOU.

THANKS.

YO.

I GET TO HEAR THE CONCERT
FOR FREE. THE NEXT THING I...

THIS IS THE MOST
DISGUSTING THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

HE'S TWICE AS OLD AS HER.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- AS GOD IS MY WITNESS...

ANY CHANCE HE'S PAYING HER?

WOULD YOU STOP? ALL I FIGURE IS,

McGUIRE DUMPED HER AND
SHE WENT TEMPORARILY INSANE.

THANKS.

NOW, BE COOL. HE'S MY BOSS.

I AM THE PICTURE OF DECORUM.

- HI.
- HELLO.

- OH, HI.
- HI.

OH! SAVE ME A SLICE.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- OKAY.

THE MEN'S ROOM IS RIGHT
OVER THERE, SIR. TAKE YOUR TIME.

WE UNDERSTAND IT'S A GREATER
EFFORT THAN IT USED TO BE.

I'LL DO MY BEST, MR. DELPINO.

SO, SPAULDING, IS THIS
A MERCY DATE, OR WHAT?

VINNIE, THIS IS TOTALLY
NURSE SPAULDING'S BUSINESS.

IF SHE WANTS TO TELL US WHAT
ON EARTH SHE WAS THINKING

WHEN SHE ASKED DR. CANFIELD
ON A DATE, SHE WILL.

- HE'S NICE.
- HE'S OLD.

WELL, YEAH,

BUT HE'S NICE, RIGHT?

I THINK OLDER GUYS ARE OKAY, AS
LONG AS THEY HAVE BUFF BODIES AND HAIR.

YEAH, HAIR IS A DEFINITE MUST.

SO OLDER MEN ARE OKAY AS
LONG AS THEY DON'T LOOK OLD.

- THAT IS SO DEEP.
- YEAH.

IF I MAY INTERJECT SOMETHING
HERE, NURSE SPAULDING,

THE VERY IDEA OF YOUR
YOUNG, FIRM, FRAGRANT BODY

COMMINGLING WITH
THE WITHERED FLESH

AND FLABBY BUTTOCKS
OF DR. CANFIELD

- QUITE FRANKLY MAKES ME
WANT TO PUKE.
- VINNIE.

I WOULD HAVE PUT IT
MORE DELICATELY, CURLY,

BUT I HAVE TO AGREE
WITH VINNIE HERE.

I MEAN, YOU TWO LOOK LIKE YOU
COME FROM DIFFERENT GENERATIONS.

- IT SEEMS LIKE
KIND OF A WASTE.
- COOL IT.

- WELL...
- Doogie: HI, DR. CANFIELD.

HI. WHAT DO YOU SAY, CURLY?

WOULD YOU CARE TO CUT A RUG?

Buster Poindexter on jukebox:
♪ We need a party song ♪

I'D LOVE TO.

♪ So we go, rum-bum-bum-bum ♪

♪ Yeah, bum-bum-bum-bum ♪

WELL, I CAN'T CONDONE THIS.

- I DON'T GET IT, EITHER.
- CHECK THIS OUT.

(woman scatting)

♪ See people rockin' ♪

♪ Hear people chanting,
feeling hot, hot, hot ♪

Man: YEAH.

♪ Keep up this spirit,
come on, let's do it ♪

♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪

♪ Feeling hot,
hot, hot! Oh, lord! ♪

OH.

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY
COOL TOGETHER.

YEAH, WE ARE.

GOD, I WISH I GOT ALONG
WITH MY FATHER LIKE THAT.

UH, WOULD YOU, UH...

- (knock at door)
- COMING.

IT LOOKS AWFUL, DOESN'T IT?

NO. NO.

UH...

DAVID? COULD YOU COME HERE?

QUICKLY, DEAR.

COME IN.

HAVE A SEAT.

DAVID?

I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

DAVID? OH.

- BEN'S HERE, DEAR.
- OH, BENJAMIN.

WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

I'VE HAD THIS IN MY CLOSET

THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS

PERCHED ON A STYROFOAM HEAD.

I'M LUCKY THE MOTHS
DIDN'T GET TO IT.

(chuckles) OR MAYBE...
MAYBE I'M NOT.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

IT LOOKS VERY...

YOUTHFUL.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY
THING HAS HAPPENED TO ME.

I FIND MYSELF ATTRACTED
TO A WOMAN HALF MY AGE,

BUT I... HAVEN'T DECIDED

WHETHER TO PURSUE IT OR NOT.

TO BE QUITE FRANK, I...

I DON'T WANT TO
LOOK LIKE AN OLD FOOL

CHASING A YOUNG GIRL.

BEN,

YOU'RE ONLY AN OLD FOOL
IF YOU DON'T CATCH HER.

Katherine: LET 'EM STARE, BEN.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY

"THE HELL WITH THEM."

I AM REALLY PSYCHED ABOUT
WORKING WITH THIS GUY.

HE IS PROFICIENT
IN PLASTIC SURGERY,

OPHTHALMOLOGY, DENTISTRY,
ORTHOPEDICS, AND NEUROSURGERY.

HE IS LIKE THE BO
JACKSON OF DOCTORS.

BO KNOWS SURGERY.

- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.

WELL, BENJAMIN, ARE YOU
GOING TO INTRODUCE ME

TO THE CRÈME DE LA
CRÈME OF EASTMAN?

MY PLEASURE. JONATHAN REARDON,

THESE ARE DOCTORS REED,

ESTEBAN, WELCH, HOWSER, McGUIRE.

GOOD MORNING.

HOWSER, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- 17, SIR.
- SO YOU'RE
THE BOY GENIUS.

I READ YOUR PAPER
ON SKIN GRAFTING

IN THE "WESTERN JOURNAL
OF MEDICINE." IMPRESSIVE.

- THANK YOU, SIR.
- WELL, SON, I'M
PLEASED TO MEET YOU,

BUT I WON'T WORK WITH YOU.

- WHAT?
- WHAT I DO IS
VERY EXACTING

AND REQUIRES A LOT OF
MATURITY AND PATIENCE.

IN MY EXPERIENCE, TEENAGERS
AREN'T NOTED FOR EITHER ONE OF THOSE.

PICK A REPLACEMENT. HE
CAN CATCH UP TOMORROW.

THIS ISN'T FAIR. I'M QUALIFIED.

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, SON.

I WISH I HAD A KID LIKE YOU.

MY PRIDE AND JOY ASPIRES TO BE
A PROFESSIONAL SKATEBOARDER.

THAT'S IT?

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE
NICE, LIKE I'M SORT OF PAPER BOY,

AND YOU'RE JUST
SAYING, "I'M SORRY, SON,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO
SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR NEWSPAPER"?

- YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
- SON, I'M LIKE
THE 800-POUND GORILLA.

I DO WHAT I WANT.

DR. HOWSER...

- YOU HAVE A MINUTE?
- SURE.

(sighs)

I HAVE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT,

AND MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT.

THE IDEA OF ME
AND CANFIELD DATING

IS LUDICROUS.

I MEAN, I LIKE HIM, BUT AM I
REALLY GOING TO FIND TRUE LOVE

WITH A 52-YEAR-OLD MAN?

(sighs) AND EVEN IF I DID, MY
FATHER WOULD PROBABLY SHOOT ME,

MY FRIENDS WOULD
LAUGH IN MY FACE,

AND PEOPLE AROUND HERE WOULD
THINK I'M SLEEPING MY WAY TO THE TOP.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, DOOGIE.

IT'S STUPID FOR ME
TO GO OUT WITH HIM.

THAT'S BUNK.

I BETTER SIT DOWN.

IF YOU REALLY LIKE HIM, WHY
SHOULDN'T YOU DATE HIM?

- HE'S OLD.
- HE'S NICE.

LOOK, CURLY, WRITING
SOMEBODY OFF

JUST BECAUSE OF HOW OLD
THEY ARE IS A BIG MISTAKE.

I WAS ACTING LIKE A SMALL,
NARROW-MINDED, BIGOTED...

BONEHEAD?

THANK YOU. I WAS HAVING
A LAPSE OF VOCABULARY.

(sighs) DON'T LISTEN
TO WHAT I SAID.

OKAY.

FIRST YOU SAY, "DON'T DO IT,"

AND THEN YOU SAY, "GO FOR IT."

TELL ME, DOCTOR,
FOR WHICH OPINION

ARE YOU THINKING LIKE A GENIUS?

- HOW'RE YOU DOING?
- HI, JOANNE.

Together: HI. SO...

YOU GO FIRST.

I WAS WONDERING IF...
MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO...

SIGN THIS REQUISITION.

OH.

HERE.

SURE.

WELL...

ME, TOO.

- I FEEL LIKE
A HIGH SCHOOL KID.
- I THINK THAT'S SWEET.

- WILL YOU GO
OUT WITH ME?
- YES.

- ARE YOU SURE WE'RE
DOING THE RIGHT THING?
- NO,

BUT IT'S JUST ONE DATE, RIGHT?

THAT'S... THAT'S ALL.

THEN AT THE END OF THE
EVENING, WE CAN DECIDE

IF WE WANT TO SETTLE DOWN,
GET MARRIED, RAISE A FAMILY.

I THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A
REASONABLE WAITING PERIOD.

- (chuckles)
- I HAVE TICKETS TO
THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL TUESDAY.

- WE'RE GOING
TO SEE YO-YO MA.
- I LOVE THEM.

- IT'S HIM.
- I LOVE HIM.

Woman on P.A.: Dr. Jacobs,
call the third floor nursing station.

Dr. Jacobs, call the
third floor nursing...

YEAH!

THERE. THERE! NOW
DO YOU FEEL BETTER?

NO. I'D LIKE TO GIVE THAT...

ARROGANT EGOMANIAC

A PIECE OF MY MIND.

IT'S JUST A GUT FEELING,
BUT I DON'T THINK

THAT MY MOTHER YELLING
AT HIM WOULD HELP MY CASE.

DOOG, IF I WAS HAVING SKULL
SURGERY, I'D WANT YOU THERE.

I LOOK FORWARD TO IT, THEN.

- GOOD NIGHT, BOYS.
- GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

NIGHT, MRS. H.

MRS. H, MAYBE YOU CAN EXPLAIN

SPAULDING AND CANFIELD TO ME.

A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL
GOES OUT WITH AN OLD GUY?

WHAT GIVES?

VINNIE, WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER,

YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR
ATTRACTION TO OTHER PEOPLE

IN PURELY SEXUAL TERMS.

- YOU MEAN WE'RE SHALLOW?
- NO, YOU'RE HORMONAL.

BUT AS YOU GET OLDER,

AND SEX ISN'T SUCH
A MYSTERY ANYMORE,

AND YOU REALIZE HOW
COMPLICATED LIFE IS,

YOU START TO FIND OTHER
QUALITIES ATTRACTIVE...

NURTURING, INTELLIGENCE,

STABILITY, UNDERSTANDING.

IS THAT HOW DR. HOWSER
WON YOUR HEART, MRS. H?

YES, IT IS.

I KNEW SHE WASN'T
HOT FOR HIS BOD.

GOOD NIGHT, VIN.

NONE OF THAT NURTURING
STUFF FOR ME, DOOG.

EVEN WHEN I'M IN A NURSING
HOME, I'M GOING TO LOOK AT WOMEN

IN PURELY SEXUAL TERMS.

IT'S THE BEDROCK
OF MY PERSONALITY.

VINCENT DELPINO, THE
WORLD'S OLDEST HORN DOG...

SOMETHING YOU CAN COUNT ON.

(beeps)

(keyboard keys clacking)

(theme music playing)

(orchestra playing
Vivaldi's "Four Seasons")

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