Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 7 - Vinnie Video Vici - full transcript

The hospital agrees to let Vinnie film a documentary about Doogie. However, his annoying techniques and intrusive behavior annoy Doogie who must tell a family that their daughter might have cancer.

Vinny: WE ARE NOW ENTERING THE ROOM
OF THE WELL-KNOWN TEENAGE DOCTOR

DR. DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D.

OBVIOUSLY, THE GOOD DOCTOR WAS
NOT EXPECTING "HOUSE AND GARDEN"

TO STOP BY FOR A PHOTO LAYOUT.

"WHAT EVERY MAN SHOULD
NOW ABOUT HIS PROSTATE."

DON'T GO LOOKING FOR IT.

WHILE DR. HOWSER IS
BUSY WITH HIS TOI-LET,

LET'S TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN
ABOUT THE MAN FROM HIS ARTIFACTS.

HE IS MAN OF MANY FACETS...

VOYEUR,

ANIMAL LOVER.



BUT HEY, WHAT ARE
WE WAITING FOR?

THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO MEET
DR. HOWSER IN A VERY INFORMAL SETTING.

♪ AND I TRY, HO, AND I
TRY, OH NO, I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ WHEN I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR ♪

♪ AND MY MAN TURNS
ON THE RADIO... ♪

HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Vinny: HEY! YOU
GOT A CHEST HAIR!

- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!
- GET OUT OF HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DOOGIE, IF THIS IS GOING TO WORK, YOU'VE
GOT TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY EQUIPMENT.

IF WHAT'S GOING TO WORK?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS SO GREAT.
I'M MAKING A VIDEO.

ME, VINNY DELPINO!



MY VIDEO CLASS TEACHER SAID,
"PICK A SUBJECT YOU FIND FASCINATING,"

SO I PICKED YOU.

I FIND YOU FASCINATING, TOO,

IN A VERY DEMENTED,
BIZARRE SORT OF WAY.

BUT I DON'T WANT
TO BE IN YOUR VIDEO.

BESIDES, CANFIELD WILL
NEVER GIVE YOU PERMISSION.

- I ALREADY GOT IT.
- WHAT?

HEY, DOOG. THIS IS NOT
HOLLYWOOD PHONY BALONEY.

THIS IS NITTY-GRITTY-DOWN-AND-DIRTY
DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKING.

ANY CHANCE YOU'VE
GOT TO USE THE JOHN?

- GO! GET LOST.
- OOH, I LIKE THAT.

TELL ME TO GET LOST, ONLY
THIS TIME HAVE FUN WITH IT.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
LISTENING TO ME.

NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
TELLING ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

IT'S A TECHNIQUE I
USE WITH MY MOTHER.

I FIND IT VERY EFFECTIVE.

I WONDER IF SPIELBERG
HAD THESE PROBLEMS.

IN SHORT, DR. HOWSER, I'M
HOLDING YOU RESPONSIBLE

FOR THE ACTIONS OF VINNY DELPINO

WHILE HE'S IN THIS HOSPITAL
MAKING HIS STUDENT VIDEO.

THAT'S NOT FAIR. I DON'T EVEN
WANT TO BE IN VINNY'S VIDEO.

DR. HOWSER, I'M NOT ANY
HAPPIER ABOUT THIS THAN YOU ARE.

HOWEVER, I WAS ASKED TO
GIVE PERMISSION TO MR. DELPINO

AS A PERSONAL FAVOR
TO ANTHONY J. CASTALDO.

THE SAME MR. CASTALDO THAT
DONATED $2 MILLION TO EASTMAN MEDICAL

AND WHO HAS PLEDGED TO
MATCH THAT SUM THIS YEAR.

DR. CANFIELD, SURELY OUR PRIVACY

AND THE DIGNITY OF THIS HOSPITAL

IS WORTH MORE THAN $4 MILLION.

THIS IS GOING TO BE SO COOL.

HEY, LOOK! ANTHONY J. CASTALDO.

THAT'S THE GUY WHO GOT ME PERMISSION
TO MAKE MY VIDEO IN THE HOSPITAL.

MY MENTOR. MY
PATRON. MY GOOMBAH.

FORTUNATE THAT YOUR GOOMBAH HAS
GRANDDAUGHTER WHO IS IN YOUR VIDEO CLASS

- WHO'S IN LOVE WITH YOU.
- IT'S EVEN MORE FORTUNATE
I NEVER DATED HER.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA REGRET LETTING ME
MAKE THIS VIDEO. I'M TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.

I HAVE A TOUGH ENOUGH TIME BEING A DOCTOR
WITHOUT SOMEONE FOLLOWING ME WITH A CAMERA.

I DON'T WANT THIS TO
INTRUDE ON MY WORK.

INTRUDE? WELL, THERE'S
THE MISUNDERSTANDING.

THE POINT OF MAKING THE
DOCUMENTARY IS FOR THE DOCUMENTARIAN,

THAT'S ME, TO STAND
BACK AND OBSERVE.

I'LL BE LIKE A FLY ON THE WALL.
NOBODY WILL EVEN KNOW I'M HERE.

WELL, HELLO, LADIES.

I'M VINCENT DELPINO, FILMMAKER.

THIS IS MY ESTEEMED
SUBJECT, DR. DOUGLAS HOWSER.

- VINNY, COULD YOU COOL IT?
- I'M MAKING A DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT DR. HOWSER.

THAT'S IT. DON'T BE
AFRAID OF INTIMACY.

COULD YOU GIRLS CROWD AROUND HIM
AND LOOK LIKE YOU'RE CONFERRING WITH HIM?

NO, YOU REALLY
DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

ANGELS OF MERCY WITH THE
DEDICATED YOUNG PHYSICIAN.

A LITTLE MORE
ADMIRATION, PLEASE, LADIES.

LADIES, WET YOUR LIPS.
THEY'LL LOOK BETTER ON CAMERA.

VINNY.

AGAIN, PLEASE.

HOLY MACKEREL.

WE HAVE AN ABDOMINAL WOUND HERE.

- HELLO, DOCTOR.
- IT HURTS.

- OH GOD. I HATE THIS.
- JUST BREATHE. I KNOW.

I'LL STAY WITH YOU. I
SIGNED ALL THE WAIVERS.

NO WONDER GIRLS
DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX.

Vinny: HELLO THERE.
I'M VINCENT DELPINO.

DO YOU MIND IF I TAPE
YOU FOR MY DOCUMENTARY?

WHOA. NO PROBLEM.

I UNDERSTAND. SOME GUYS
JUST AIN'T THAT PHOTOGENIC.

Hasta luego.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- CONSTRUCTION ACCIDENT.

YOU BETTER NOT COME IN HERE.
THIS COULD BE PRETTY MESSY.

I CAN HANDLE IT. I'M A FILMMAKER.
THIS IS ALL IN A DAY'S WORK TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE THE BOSS.

I'M DR. HOWSER.

- WHAT HAPPENED, BUD?
- WAIT A MINUTE.

- YOU'RE A KID.
- TRUE, BUT I'M
ALSO A GENIUS.

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
THAT, I CAN GET AN OLDER DOCTOR

WHO'S NOT A SMART AS ME.

SO DOC, I'M USING THE POWER SAW,

THIS KILLER REDHEAD WALKS BY.

NEXT THING I KNOW I'VE
ONLY GOT NINE FINGERS.

YEAH, I LIKE REDHEADS
TOO. DO WE HAVE HIS THUMB?

RIGHT HERE, DOCTOR.

I HEARD YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO KEEP IT COLD,

- BUT ALL I COULD FIND
WAS A CUP OF ITALIAN ICE.
- Vinny: OH, GROSS.

Doogie: JUST A SEC, BUD.

YOU OKAY, VINNY?

- YOU FAINTED. YOU'LL BE FINE.
- I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM.

TAKE DEEP BREATHS.

ARE YOU TRYING TO
LOOK UP MY SKIRT?

YES, MA'AM.

HI, MEGAN.

I'M DR. HOWSER. IT SAYS
HERE YOU HURT YOUR ARM.

- BRUCE PUSHED ME.
- Woman: BRUCE IS THE DOG.

THE TWO OF THEM WERE PLAYING ON THE
BED AND SHE ROLLED OFF ON THE FLOOR.

IT WAS THE KIND OF FALL
KIDS TAKE ALL THE TIME.

I WAS EXPECTING HER TO JUMP RIGHT
UP, BUT INSTEAD SHE STARTED SCREAMING.

- IS IT OKAY IF LOOK
AT YOUR ARM, MEGAN?
- UH-UH.

I UNDERSTAND IT
HURTS PRETTY BAD, HUH?

- DOOG.
- COME ON IN, VINNY.

MEGAN, THIS IS MY FRIEND VINNY. HE'S
MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT ME BEING A DOCTOR.

VINNY, DO YOU THINK THERE'S A
PART FOR MEGAN IN THE MOVIE?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
THOSE LIPS, THOSE EYES.

SHE'S A YOUNG MOLLY RINGWALD.

DO YOU WANT TO BE MY CO-STAR?

GO AHEAD, HONEY.

GREAT. LET'S SEE...

WHAT CAN WE BE DOING
THAT'S DOCTOR-LIKE?

YOU COULD LOOK AT MY ARM.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. VINNY.

OKAY. ACTION.

I'LL BE VERY CAREFUL. PUSH
AGAINST MY HAND AS HARD AS YOU CAN.

IS IT BROKEN?

I WON'T BE ABLE
TO SAY OFFICIALLY

TILL WE GET AN X-RAY, BUT
IT SURE LOOKS THAT WAY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. ALL
SHE DID WAS ROLL OFF THE BED.

I WOULDN'T WORRY SO MUCH.
SOMETIMES KIDS JUST FALL IN FUNNY WAYS.

IS THERE KISSING IN THIS MOVIE?

ANYTHING VINNY'S INVOLVED
IN GETS TO THAT EVENTUALLY.

OKAY.

HOW OLD IS THE CHILD?

- SIX.
- THAT FRACTURE IS NOT
THROUGH NORMAL BONE.

THERE'S A BONY LESION
AROUND THE FRACTURE SITE.

- THAT'S WHY THE ARM
BROKE SO EASILY.
- EXACTLY.

BUT THERE ARE
BENIGN POSSIBILITIES.

IT COULD BE... OSTEOMYELITIS.

WE WON'T KNOW
UNTIL AFTER A BIOPSY.

LOOK, DR. HOWSER, WE'RE
ALL HOPING FOR THE BEST,

BUT YOU CAN'T BE EVASIVE
WITH THIS GIRL'S PARENTS.

YOU'VE GOT TO PREPARE
THEM FOR WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE.

EWING SARCOMA.

YOU BETTER HANG
BACK ON THIS ONE, VINNY.

NOW WAY, MAN. THE DEAL
WE MADE IS TOTAL ACCESS.

- I GET TO GO ANYWHERE.
- NOT THIS TIME.

- BUT THAT'S OUR DEAL!
- VINNY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'VE GOT TO GO IN THERE
AND TELL THAT WOMAN

HER DAUGHTER MAY HAVE CANCER.

Miss Anne Lloyd to pediatrics.

Miss Anne Lloyd to pediatrics.

HI, MAN. ALL RIGHT,
BACK FROM VACATION.

Dr. Murray, call your service.

Dr. Murray, call your service.

DON'T FORGET WE'RE HAVING
DINNER AT THE LEWIS'S TONIGHT.

OH YES. SOMETHING FROM
THE SEA. POACHED, NO BUTTER.

TOP OF THE MORNING
TO YOU, DR. H., MRS. H.!

DOOGIE TOLD ME TO
WAIT FOR HIM DOWN HERE.

WE'RE RIDING TO THE
HOSPITAL TOGETHER.

GOOD MORNING, VINNY.

SO, DR. HOWSER...

HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT HAVING A SON

WHO'S LIKE 10 TIMES
SMARTER THAN YOU?

I THINK YOU'RE
EXAGGERATING, VINCENT.

- NO. NO WAY.
- I THINK YOU ARE.

BUT OF COURSE, HAVING A SON
LIKE DOOGIE MAKES ME VERY PROUD.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE
WHEN YOU GET MAD

THIS VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD
TURNS PURPLE AND STARTS TO BULGE?

YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO PUT THE CAMERA
DOWN AND EAT SOME BREAKFAST.

OH THANKS, BUT I'M
NOT REALLY HUNGRY.

- VINNY!
- YES, MA'AM.

MY VIDEO'S GOING GREAT.

I'VE BEEN WITH DOOGIE DAY
AND NIGHT FOR THREE DAYS NOW.

I THINK I'M REALLY
GETTING INSIDE HIS SKIN.

I CAN IMAGINE.

OH, BY THE WAY, MRS. H.,
ABOUT YESTERDAY MORNING,

BELIEVE ME, IF I KNEW THAT YOU WERE
PARADING AROUND IN THE HALLWAY LIKE THAT,

I WOULD'VE NEVER COME
UPSTAIRS UNANNOUNCED.

WHAT IS HE TALKING
ABOUT, KATHERINE?

JUST A BRIEF, UNEXPECTED
ENCOUNTER, DEAR.

YOU'RE A VERY BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN, MRS. HOWSER.

- VINCENT?
- NOT TO WORRY, DR. H.

I ALREADY ERASED THE
TAPE. SCOUT'S HONOR.

AND I NEVER ONCE USED MY ZOOM.

KATHERINE?

HEY.

HEY, HOWSER, WAIT UP!

CAN YOU BELIEVE
IT? HE FORGOT ME.

WHAT AN ECCENTRIC GENIUS.

- HI, MEGAN.
- HI.

I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING
FOR YOUR SPLINT.

WHAT?

HEY! THAT'S PRETTY.

TODAY IS THE DAY OF
MY OPERATION, RIGHT?

YEAH, IT'S CALLED A
BIOPSY, REMEMBER?

IS IT GOING TO HURT?

- YES.
- UH-OH.

LOOK. MEGAN.

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I WAS SICK.

AND THE DOCTOR TOLD ME
SOMETHING WASN'T GOING TO HURT,

AND THEN IT DID. AND FROM
THEN ON I DIDN'T TRUST HIM.

AND EVERY TIME HE DID
SOMETHING TO ME AFTER THAT,

I WAS MORE AFRAID
THAN I HAD TO BE,

SO, I PROMISED MYSELF

WHEN I BECAME A DOCTOR,
I WOULD NEVER LIE TO A KID.

OKAY, AND I'M NEVER
GOING TO LIE TO YOU EITHER.

PERFECT.

SO, HERE'S WHAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN.

WHEN YOU WAKE UP FROM YOUR
OPERATION, YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL ICKY,

YOUR THROAT'S GOING TO HURT,

YOUR ARM'S GOING TO HURT,

AND YOU MIGHT EVEN THROW UP.

- UGH.
- YEAH. IT'S A DRAG.

BUT I PROMISE, THE FIRST PERSON YOU
SEE WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES IS ME.

AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW
ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL,

JUST ASK...

AND I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

'CAUSE YOU'LL NEVER
LIE TO A KID, RIGHT?

YEAH.

- Woman:
GET OUT OF HERE!
- Vinny: DON'T BE ALARMED.

I'M A FILMMAKER. THIS ISN'T
A GRATUITOUS SPONGE BATH.

IT'S AN ORGANIC
PART OF MY VIDEO.

GET OUT OF HERE!

- YO, DOOG!
- HI, VINNY.

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- IN SURGERY. MEGAN HAD
HER BIOPSY.

- HOW DID IT GO?
- VINNY, IT WOULD BE
A BREACH OF ETHICS

TO DISCUSS IT WITH YOU BEFORE
I DISCUSS IT WITH HER PARENTS.

NO PROBLEM. I DON'T WANT
YOU TO BREACH ANYTHING.

BUT COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

COULD YOU COME OFF
THE ELEVATOR AGAIN?

WHAT?

AND PUT THE MASK ON.
IT'S A VERY MEDICAL LOOK.

VINNY, GET THAT
CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE.

YOU KNOW I HAVEN'T HAD A
PRIVATE MOMENT FOR THREE DAYS.

I'M ON MY WAY TO TALK TO THESE
PARENTS ABOUT THEIR KID'S OPERATION,

AND YOU STICK A
CAMERA IN MY FACE.

- I'M A FILMMAKER.
- WOULD YOU STOP WITH THIS
FILMMAKER CRAP?

THIS IS LIKE 50,000 OF THOSE
OTHER THINGS YOU'RE GONNA BE!

WHEN YOU WERE SIX YEARS OLD AND
YOU TURNED TO ME IN THE SANDBOX

AND SAID TO ME, "I'M GONNA BE A
DOCTOR," I DIDN'T LAUGH AT YOU!

AND BELIEVE ME, DOOG, THERE WERE
PLENTY OF GUYS THAT WOULD HAVE!

- VINNY.
- I'M ALMOST DONE!

NO, YOU'RE NOT ALMOST DONE.
YOU'RE COMPLETELY DONE.

FADE OUT. THE END. GOODBYE.

- YEAH?
- THE STRANGEST THING
JUST HAPPENED.

THE DOORBELL
RANG. I ANSWERED IT.

AND VINCENT DELPINO WALKED
IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

IS YOUR WINDOW STUCK?

WHAT'S THAT? THE GREAT VIDEO?

YEAH. HE ASKED
ME TO GIVE IT YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.

WHY NOT?

IT'S PROBABLY
TOTALLY EMBARRASSING.

- MAYBE NOT.
- DAD, HE ACTS LIKE A KID.

HE'S TOTALLY INSENSITIVE,

AND HALF THE TIME
HE'S OUT OF CONTROL.

HE IS IMPULSIVE.

REMEMBER YOUR MEDICAL
SCHOOL COMMENCEMENT?

HE STOOD UP ON HIS
CHAIR AND SCREAMED,

"YO, WAY TO GO, HOWSER!" HE
WAS NEXT TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

I THOUGHT SHE
WAS GOING TO FAINT.

AND REMEMBER WHEN
ALL YOUR HAIR FELL OUT

FROM THE CHEMOTHERAPY?

VINNY MARCHED RIGHT
INTO THE BATHROOM

AND SHAVED HIS HEAD
AS A SHOW OF SOLIDARITY.

JUST IN CASE.

- WELL, GOOD NIGHT, SON.
- GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

♪ Clean shirt, new shoes ♪

♪ And I don't know
what I am gonna do ♪

♪ Silk suit, black tie ♪

♪ I'll don't need
a reason why... ♪

Hello.

I'll be there in a second.

♪ 'Cause every girl crazy
about a sharp dressed man. ♪

Dr. Howser, I'd like you to meet
some colleagues from Japan.

They're here to study
our trauma center.

These are Doctors Nakayama,
Tanaka, Masuda and Shimizu.

Ah, you're the man!

Katherine: He picked
it up from the gardener.

As soon as I realized he had
such a facility for languages,

we started taking a
Spanish class together.

And by the end of the week, he
was helping me with my homework.

That's how it started.

Vinny: Thank God for mothers,
because in the early years

there were those
who had their doubts.

To tell you the truth,

I never saw anything
special in the boy.

He constantly
questioned my authority.

He was never neat and tidy.

He refused to color
inside the lines.

He ate paste.

I've never had a three-year-old

call me a bureaucrat before.

- Vinny!
- Vinny: Come on, Wanda.

I want to know about
Doogie Howser the lover.

You better talk to him now,
or he'll be bugging us all night.

Okay, Vinny.

Doogie Howser is the gentlest,

sweetest guy I've
ever gone out with.

When I first heard about him,

I thought he would be some
kind of brainy conehead.

But he's not like that at all.

When it comes to girls,
he's really kind of dumb.

- Hey.
- No.

I like that.

I like it a lot.

Doogie Howser, he's one of
the better residents in the hospital.

The best.

Vinny: But being the
best almost wasn't enough.

I'll be honest.

My initial reaction was
to reject Douglas Howser

for residency at this hospital.

I quite frankly didn't
feel that a 16-year-old

could handle the physical
or emotional demands.

Whatever else you
learn about Dr. Howser

- you should know
that he is under...
- Come on!

Incredible pressure.

Doogie: No, come on! Come on!

Canfield: Incredible pressure.

And if he blows once in awhile,

well, we all do.

- Vinny.
- Vinny: I'm almost done!

No, you're not almost done.
You're completely done.

Fade out. The end. Goodbye.

That a 16-year-old boy can
acquit himself as well as he does

is a testament to his abilities.

I guess for me the hardest
part about being a doctor

is learning to keep
an emotional distance,

so I don't get bummed out
by the terrible things I see.

But at the same time, I
don't want to protect myself

so much emotionally that I'm
not affected as a human being.

- Hi.
- I'm in this because I like
people, right?

We've totally ruled
out Ewing sarcoma.

It was a benign lesion. It's a
rare condition called histiocytosis.

Are you saying it's not cancer?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

The surgery removed
all traces of the lesion,

and there's no concern
about a reoccurrence.

Megan's absolutely fine.

Thank God!

Thank you.

So, that's my friend
Doogie Howser.

Even though he's a
genius and a doctor

and mostly perfect,

he can be as big a
jerk as the next guy.

And I appreciate that.

It makes us more like equals.

Otherwise, how could
we be best friends, right?

I guess that's it.

Except for one other thing...

I've known Doogie since
we were five years old.

He's like a permanent
fixture in my life.

If something is going
to be there permanently

like your mother, your
sister or something,

you would be pretty lucky
to get Doogie Howser.

At least, that's how I feel.

This is Vincent Delpino.

Good night.