Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 15 - Attack of the Green-Eyed Monster - full transcript

Doogie while out with Wanda runs into a former patient, an attractive young girl, who came on to Doogie, at least that's how Wanda saw it. So she puts him in the dog house. Doogie talks to his mom about it and says that it's normal for people to flirt with other people. She says some men have flirted with her, which her husband overhears and is upset. And she doesn't think it's a big deal.

Sometimes I know exactly what
you're going to say... most of the time.

The other times...

the other times,
you're just a stinker.

- What did you do that for?
- I've been wondering whether
I'd like it.

- What's the decision?
- I don't know yet.

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Bacall: It's even
better when you help.

- Sure you won't change
your mind about this?
- Uh-huh.

This belongs to me
and so do my lips.

- I don't see any difference.
- Oh, I do.

Okay. You know you don't
have to act with me, Steve.



You don't have to say anything
and you don't have to do anything.

Not a thing.

Oh, maybe just whistle.

You know how to
whistle, don't you, Steve?

You just put your lips
together and... blow.

I DON'T SEE WHAT THE
FASCINATION IS WITH BOGART.

I MEAN, HE IS NO MEL GIBSON.

IT WAS ALL IN HIS
ATTITUDE, JANINE.

HE WAS A TOUGH GUY
WITH A HEART OF GOLD.

- WOMEN LOVED HIM.
- YEAH, BUT HE DIDN'T SEEM
TO CARE ABOUT ANY OF THEM.

I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE HE WAS
TOO COOL TO SHOW HOW HE FELT.

THAT'S THE POINT. THE MORE
HE ACTED LIKE HE DIDN'T CARE,

THE MORE DAMES FELL AT HIS FEET.

- DAMES, VINNIE?
- YEAH.



LAUREN BACALL WAS A DAME.
MARY ASTOR WAS A DAME.

SUZY BERLUTTI IS A DAME.

YOU KNOW, IF I HEAR THE WORD SUZY
OR BERLUTTI FROM YOU ONE MORE TIME...

WHY, JANINE, I NEVER
KNEW YOU CARED.

Girl: DOOGIE?

CHRISTA?!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU!

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT'S YOU EITHER.
- GOSH, LOOK HOW TALL YOU GOT!

- YOU LOOK GREAT!
- THANKS, HOW'S YOUR KNEE?

PHYSICAL THERAPY WAS REALLY
TOUGH, BUT YOU WERE RIGHT.

I'VE GOT FULL MOVEMENT BACK.
YOU DID A WONDERFUL JOB, DOCTOR.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE SCAR.

- YEAH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
- IT SURE IS.

LOOK, I'M A FRESHMAN
AT U.C.L.A. THIS YEAR,

AND WE'RE ALWAYS
HAVING SORORITY PARTIES.

- SO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME?
- WELL, I...

- ARE YOU STILL AT THE HOSPITAL?
- YEAH, I AM.

GREAT, WELL, I'LL
GIVE YOU A CALL.

OR YOU COULD ALWAYS
GIVE ME A WHISTLE.

YOU KNOW HOW TO
WHISTLE, DON'T YOU?

YOU JUST PUT YOUR
LIPS TOGETHER AND BLOW.

WHAT?

- YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?
- NO.

I MEAN, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW WOMEN CAN MAKE

SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.

ALL I DID WAS TRY TO BE POLITE.

THE NEXT THING I KNOW,
WANDA'S HYSTERICAL.

SHE WAS JUST AN OLD PATIENT.

I MEAN, IS NOT INTRODUCING
SOMEONE GROUNDS

FOR NOT SPEAKING TO THEM
FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING?

DOOGIE, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU,

BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, THE MOVIE
HAD JUST ENDED.

WE WERE ALL COMING
OUT OF THE THEATER,

IT WAS TOTALLY INNOCENT.

DR. HOWSER?

OH, HI, MISS... MISS...?

BENSON.

IT'S A PLEASURE SEEING
YOU AGAIN, DOCTOR.

THE NEXT THING I KNOW, WANDA'S
GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT.

WELL, IT SOUNDS
FAIRLY TAME TO ME.

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT YOU
FELT NO ATTRACTION TO THIS GIRL.

HARDLY ANY.

YOU KNOW, DOOGIE, WE ALL
GET FLIRTED WITH NOW AND THEN.

IT MAKES US FEEL
GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.

ATTRACTIVE.

IT'S A PERFECTLY
NATURAL REACTION.

WHAT?

I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE SECRET I
HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD YOUR FATHER.

WE WERE AT A PARTY
NEW YEAR'S EVE

AND YOUR FATHER WAS OFF
TALKING WITH SOME FRIENDS,

WHEN ONE OF HIS
COLLEAGUES, NOT TOO SUBTLY,

MADE A PASS AT ME.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

I DIDN'T ENCOURAGE IT,

BUT AT THE SAME TIME

I DIDN'T DISCOURAGE IT.

AND OF COURSE NOTHING HAPPENED.

BUT I WAS FLATTERED.

IT WAS KIND OF... EXCITING.

AND YOU MAY HAVE
REACTED THE SAME WAY

AND THAT'S WHAT
WANDA PICKED UP ON.

Howser: ALAN WALLACE.

AM I RIGHT?

IT WAS ALAN WALLACE.

NO, DAVID, IT WASN'T
ALAN WALLACE.

MARK SCHWARTZ.

WRONG.

STEVE GOODMAN.

STEVEN GOODMAN.

THE MAN'S A CHIROPRACTOR,
FOR GOD'S SAKES.

OH PLEASE, DAVID, DON'T
MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS.

WHO'S MAKING A BIG DEAL?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FELT
THE NEED TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.

THIS IS EXACTLY THE REASON
WHY I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

- I KNEW YOU'D OVERREACT.
- OVERREACT?

WELL, EXCUSE ME
IF I'M A TAD UPSET

THAT MY WIFE IS PAWED AT A PARTY
AND DOESN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME.

THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED!

GEE, LOOK AT THE
TIME. I... I GOTTA GO.

DAVID, THE MAN
MADE A PASS AT ME.

AND YES, I WAS FLATTERED.

AND MAYBE IT WOULDN'T
HAVE MEANT ANYTHING

IF YOU'D SHOWED EVEN A
PASSING INTEREST IN ME LATELY.

DO YOU KNOW I SPENT
TWO WEEKS LOOKING FOR

THE PERFECT DRESS
FOR THAT EVENING?

TOTAL STRANGERS
SAID I LOOKED FANTASTIC,

AND YET MY OWN HUSBAND
NEVER SAID A WORD.

OH NO, OH NO.

DON'T TRY TO MAKE THIS MY FAULT.

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DO THAT.

THIS ISN'T A QUESTION OF FAULT.

IT'S A QUESTION OF
FEELING APPRECIATED.

WELL, THAT'S NONSENSE.

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE APPRECIATED.
- DO I?

WELL, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

HOW MANY TIMES SINCE WE'VE BEEN
MARRIED HAS A WOMAN MADE A PASS AT YOU?

- KATHERINE, PLEASE...
- YOU'RE A HANDSOME DOCTOR.

YOU CAN'T STAND HERE AND HONESTLY
TELL ME A PATIENT NEVER CAME ON TO YOU.

WHAT IS YOUR POINT, KATHERINE?

MY POINT IS THAT UNLIKE ME,

YOU GET VALIDATED.

WOMEN LET YOU KNOW YOU'RE
SEXY AND ATTRACTIVE ALL THE TIME.

WHEN THEY SAY IT, YOU FEEL IT.

SO WHEN SOMEONE
FLIRTS WITH ME AT A PARTY

AND TELLS ME I'M ATTRACTIVE,

I FEEL SPECIAL,

SOMETHING I RARELY FEEL
AROUND HERE ANYMORE!

KATHERINE, COME BACK HERE.

KATHERINE?

WANDA, I THINK...

WANDA.

HELLO?

WANDA, THIS IS CRAZY.

OH, GOD.

WANDA, CAN'T WE TALK?

Girls: MORNING, DOOGIE.

MORNING. YOU'VE
GOT IT ALL WRONG.

- I DON'T CARE ABOUT CHRISTA.
- WHO'S CHRISTA?

DOOGIE, I'M NOT BLIND.

AND I MAY NOT BE AS SMART AS
YOU, BUT I SAW WHAT HAPPENED.

DOOGIE.

- CHRISTA.
- I DREAMT ABOUT
SEEING YOU AGAIN...

DOOGIE MONSTER.

YOUR TONGUE WAS PRACTICALLY
HANGING ON THE GROUND!

DRIVE, JANINE.

NO, I'M NOT LETTING
YOU GO, WANDA.

- MOVE!
- NO!

YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS!

WELL, FINE, BUT I'M NOT
MOVING UNTIL YOU TALK TO ME.

DO YOU REMEMBER
HOW ROTTEN YOU FELT

WHEN I TOLD YOU I WENT
OUT WITH BRIAN JOHNSON?

THAT WAS DIFFERENT. YOU
TRIED TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

IT'S NOT THAT DIFFERENT!

YOU REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS.

WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

SO DO YOU FORGIVE ME?

Girls: WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!

Girl: I CAN'T BELIEVE... AGAIN!

YOU KNOW, WANDA, NO WOMAN IN
THE WORLD CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE,

NO MATTER HOW PRETTY SHE IS.

- NO MATTER
HOW PRETTY WHO IS?
- HMM?

CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, BUT YOU
SAID MISS U.C.L.A.'S PRETTIER THAN ME.

- THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID!
- THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID!

AND IF THAT'S HOW YOU
FEEL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST

RUN OFF TO ONE OF HER
STUPID SORORITY PARTIES?!

- WANDA, WHAT...
- HIT IT, JANINE.

IF HE LIES DOWN
AGAIN, RUN OVER HIM.

Girls: BYE, DR. HOWSER!

Fremont: "O, BEWARE,
MY LORD, OF JEALOUSY;

IT IS THE GREEN-EYED
MONSTER WHICH DOTH MOCK

THE MEAT IT FEEDS ON."

DOUBLE MAJOR,
PSYCHOLOGY AND LITERATURE.

I COULDN'T SPELL SO HERE I AM.

I JUST DON'T GET
IT, DR. FREMONT.

ONE MINUTE WANDA AND I
ARE CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER,

AND THE NEXT SHE'S SLAMMING
THE CAR DOOR IN MY FACE.

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL
YOU THAT JEALOUSY

IS ONE OF OUR MOST
POWERFUL EMOTIONS.

IT CAN MAKE US FEEL
HORRIBLY VULNERABLE

AND OUT OF CONTROL.

WE EVEN EXPERIENCE A
STRONG BIOLOGICAL REACTION.

ADRENALINE IS PUMPED
INTO OUR BLOOD,

OUR BREATHING BECOMES RAPID,

OUR MUSCLES CONTRACT...

OUR GIRLFRIENDS BECOME
TOTALLY IRRATIONAL.

WELL, OTHELLO DID KILL
DESDEMONA IN A JEALOUS RAGE.

BUT I THINK WANDA'S
IRRATIONALITY

MAY JUST BE HER INABILITY TO PUT
INTO WORDS HOW SHE'S REALLY FEELING,

THE FEAR THAT SHE'S LOSING SOMEONE
SHE CARES A GREAT DEAL ABOUT.

BUT SHE'S NOT LOSING ME. WHEN I TRIED
TO TELL HER THAT, SHE JUST GOT ANGRIER.

ANGER IS ONLY HER
WAY OF ATTEMPTING

TO REGAIN CONTROL
OF THE SITUATION.

JUST REMEMBER, DR. HOWSER,

COMMUNICATING HONESTLY
ABOUT ONE'S FEELINGS

IS JEALOUSY'S GREATEST FOE.

O.R.3, Dr. Gordon
you're wanted in O.R.3.

MOM, DAD, THIS IS KIND OF
RIDICULOUS, DON'T YOU THINK?

WELL, IT IS AND WHAT I
THINK MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA

IS FOR YOU TWO TO
TALK TO EACH OTHER.

BE HONEST, HONEST ABOUT
WHAT YOU'RE REALLY FEELING,

JUST LET IT ALL OUT, OKAY?

SO WHO'S GONNA GO FIRST?

- DAD?
- DOUGLAS, MIND YOUR
OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

DON'T TALK TO MY SON LIKE THAT.

YOUR SON? I HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM?

CERTAINLY NOTHING
TO WRITE HOME ABOUT.

WHY DON'T YOU SAVE YOUR RAZOR WIT FOR
SOMEONE WHO MIGHT APPRECIATE IT, KATHERINE?

LIKE PERHAPS YOUR
FRIEND THE CHIROPRACTOR.

OH DAVID, PLEASE,
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

I'M THE CHILD? WELL, EXCUSE ME,

MISS I-NEED-FIREWORKS-
ALL-THE-TIME.

NOT ALL THE TIME, DAVID. JUST
NOT EVERY FOURTH OF JULY.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY
WARMING UP SOMETIME BEFORE JUNE.

Howser's voice: THE MAN'S A
CHIROPRACTOR, FOR GOD'S SAKES.

Christa's voice: YOU KNOW
HOW TO WHISTLE, DON'T YOU?

YOU JUST PUT YOUR
LIPS TOGETHER AND BLOW.

Fremont: WELL, OTHELLO DID KILL
DESDEMONA IN A JEALOUS RAGE.

Wanda's voice: AND IF
HE LIES DOWN AGAIN,

RUN HIM OVER, RUN HIM OVER...

SO YOU THINK YOUR WIFE'S
MAKING TIME WITH ANOTHER JOE?

I'M SURE OF IT.

I FOUND THIS IN HER HANDBAG.

"STEVEN GOODMAN, CHIROPRACTOR."

MAYBE SHE'S GOT A BAD BACK.

YOU GOT ANY
PICTURES OF YOUR WIFE?

WHAT A DAME!

I WOULDN'T MIND GIVING
HER AN ADJUSTMENT.

I THINK WE CAN HELP YOU
OUT. WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.

I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

DOOGIE.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, DOLL?

I THINK SOMEONE'S FOLLOWING ME.

A SHORT ITALIAN GUY?

- YEAH.
- I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

DRINK?

WHOA, GO EASY ON
THAT STUFF, DOLL.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IT'S...

IT'S...

SORORITY RUSH WEEK.

I KNEW IT, YOU LOUSY TWO-TIMER.

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG,
SLIM, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO REASON!
- SORRY, DOCTOR.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
TAKING THE FALL.

Call your office.
Dr. Buffum, call your office.

SO, HOW GOES IT WITH WANDA
AND THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER?

OH, NOT GREAT.

AND YOUR FOLKS,
THEY STILL JOUSTING?

MORE LIKE BATTLING TO THE DEATH.

MY MOM WAS REALLY
UPSET THIS MORNING.

I'M GONNA GO HOME EARLY
AND CHECK UP ON HER.

DOUGLAS, KEEP IN
MIND THAT JEALOUSY

CAN BE KIND OF A HEDGE
AGAINST COMPLACENCY

- IN A LONG RELATIONSHIP.
- HI.

A FORM OF LOVE INSURANCE.

REMEMBER, WHERE
THERE'S JEALOUSY,

- THERE'S PASSION.
- YEAH.

"GIVE ME THE MAN THAT
IS NOT PASSION'S SLAVE,

AND I WILL WEAR HIM IN MY
HEART OF HEARTS AS I DO THEE."

SHAKESPEARE.

DAMN, THAT GUY WAS GOOD.

MOM?

MOM?

ARE YOU HOME?

MOM, ARE YOU...

- Howser: DOUGLAS!
- OH...

SORRY.

- HI.
- MOM, I AM REALLY...

DOOGIE, THERE'S NO
NEED TO APOLOGIZE.

IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.

WE SHOULD HAVE LOCKED THE DOOR.

HOW COULD I HAVE
MISSED THE FLOWERS?

I DON'T GET IT. YOU GUYS WEREN'T EVEN
SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER LAST NIGHT.

WELL, YOUR FATHER CAME
HOME THIS AFTERNOON

AND WE TALKED,

REALLY TALKED.

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, WE
BOTH UNDERSTOOD ONE ANOTHER.

I SAW HOW AFRAID HE WAS

ABOUT THE PROSPECT
OF GETTING OLDER

AND LOSING ME TO A YOUNGER MAN.

IN A STRANGE WAY,

HIS CRAZY JEALOUSY
MADE ME REALIZE

HOW IMPORTANT I
STILL WAS TO HIM.

AND TO BE HONEST WITH
YOU, IT MADE ME FEEL...

TERRIFIC.

SOMETIMES, JUST
THAT LITTLE SPARK

CAN DO WONDERS
FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

YES, IT CAN. DOOGIE.

DAD.

UH... KATHERINE.

DOOGIE...

WHY DON'T YOU...

RUN OUT AND PLAY?

Doogie on P.A.: Wanda Plenn?

This is your boyfriend.
I know you're in there.

And I want you to know just
how important you are to me.

So, Vinnie...

now.

♪ Wild thing ♪

♪ You make my heart sing ♪

♪ You make everything groovy ♪

♪ Wild thing ♪

- ♪ Wild thing,
I think I love you... ♪
- OKAY, DOOGIE.

♪ But I wanna know for sure... ♪

- THAT'S ENOUGH.
- ♪ Come on and hold me tight ♪

♪ I love you. ♪

WHAT'S HE DOING?

THAT'S ENOUGH! PLEASE!

Girl: I REALLY THINK IT'S COOL.

Woman: THAT WAS GREAT!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

YES, I'M TOTALLY INSANE.
YOU CAN HAVE ME COMMITTED.

I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

SO ARE YOU STILL MAD AT ME?

I WAS NEVER REALLY MAD.

I WAS JUST WORRIED.

- ABOUT WHAT?
- DOOGIE,

YOU LEAD A MUCH MORE
GROWN-UP LIFE THAN I DO,

AND YOU'RE ALWAYS AROUND ADULTS.

SOMETIMES I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA
LOSE YOU TO AN OLDER WOMAN.

WANDA, I DON'T WANT
AN OLDER WOMAN.

I WANT YOU.

Wanda on P.A.: Oh, Doogie.

Doogie: I feel great
when I'm with you.

I feel great when I
just think about you.

You're my little Wanda bear.

And you're my
little Doogie bear.

Come here, come here.

Doogie, Doogie!

Wanda: What was that?

Doogie: Hello? Hello?

Oh God. Vinnie?

Vinnie? Vinnie!

- PROMISE, SAY IT.
- OKAY, OKAY,

I PROMISE NEVER TO REPEAT
TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

THAT YOU CALL HER
YOUR LITTLE WANDA BEAR.

Katherine: BOYS, IT'S
LATE! GOOD NIGHT, VINNIE.

GOOD NIGHT, MRS. H.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
ACTUALLY WALKED IN ON THEM.

I ONLY GOT ONE QUESTION:

WERE THEY UNDER THE SHEETS
OR ON TOP OF THE SHEETS?

VINNIE, EITHER YOU'RE
GOING OUT THAT WINDOW

OR YOU'RE GOING OUT THAT WINDOW.

GOOD NIGHT, MY
LITTLE DOOGIE BEAR!