Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 11 - Tonight's the Night - full transcript

♪ Lookin' for the love getaway ♪

♪ Headin' for the
love getaway... ♪

YOU GOT A CRUMB ON YOUR CHEEK.

♪ And we're heading on
down to the love shack... ♪

HOW COME YOU NEVER
PICK FOOD OFF MY FACE?

DON'T START.

♪ The love shack is a
little old place where... ♪

RUSSELL AND HEATHER...
I HEAR THEY DID IT.

- REALLY?
- I HEARD IT, TOO.

- All: THEY DID IT.
- Janine: DEFINITELY.

I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL
WHEN TWO INDIVIDUALS



FIND THEMSELVES READY TO MOVE
ON TO A HIGHER SPIRITUAL PLANE,

AND EXPRESS THEIR ONENESS

IN A VERY LOVING AND
PHYSICAL SORT OF WAY.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

I THINK IT'S OKAY
THAT THEY DID IT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT
SOME CHEAP AFFAIR.

THEY'VE BEEN GOING OUT FOREVER.

YEAH, AT LEAST THREE MONTHS.

SHE LOOKS REALLY HAPPY.

I THINK HIS SKIN CLEARED UP.

HEY, DOOG. HOW LONG HAVE YOU
AND WANDA BEEN GOING TOGETHER?

- FOUR MONTHS.
- Both: WHOA!

- HEY, CUT IT OUT.
- JANINE.

- WELL, EVERYBODY THINKS
YOU'RE LIKE A PERFECT COUPLE.
- YEAH.



SO, IF IT'S TRUE LOVE,
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

- WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WE LOVE EACH OTHER AS
MUCH AS RUSSELL AND HEATHER, RIGHT?

MORE.

YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE AGE
FOR TEENAGERS TO HAVE SEX

IS 16.2 FOR FEMALES

AND 15.7 FOR MALES.

HARRIS POLL, THEY'RE... THEY'RE
USUALLY PRETTY ACCURATE.

SO I GUESS THAT...

THIS IS THE NEXT NATURAL STEP.

YEAH, TOTALLY NATURAL.

- I THINK WE SHOULD DO IT.
- ME TOO.

OOPS.

YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS ARE GOING
TO A MEDICAL BANQUET ON FRIDAY.

THEY'LL BE GONE FOR HOURS.

- FRIDAY'S GOOD.
- I'M FREE.

THIS IS GONNA BE SO GREAT.

- YEAH, REALLY.
- YEAH.

FOUR. FIVE.

KEEP... PUSHING.

EIGHT. NINE. 10.

ALL RIGHT, LAY BACK, RELAX.

TAKE TWO CLEANSING BREATHS,
IN THROUGH YOUR NOSE,

OUT THROUGH YOUR MOUTH.

THE BABY'S HEAD IS CROWNING.

OKAY, CAROLINE, ONE
MORE BIG PUSH. COME ON.

THIS IS IT, CAROLINE. COME ON.

- PUSH!
- COME ON, CAROLINE.

- PUSH!
- Nurse: ALMOST THERE, YEAH.

IT'S A GIRL, CAROLINE.

AND SHE'S PERFECT.

IT'S A GIRL.

JUST LISTEN TO HER, CAROLINE.

ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?

- WHAT?
- GIVE ME A BIG HUG,
YOU STUDLY MAN!

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, VINNIE?

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, VINNIE?" I LOVE IT!

DO I LOOK LIKE I JUST FELL OFF A
PUMPKIN TRUCK OR SOMETHING?

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, MAN,

- I'M MISTING UP.
- WHY?

YOU, WANDA, THE HORIZONTAL HULA!

- YOU'RE FINALLY GONNA DO IT.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S OUT, DOOG. WANDA
SWORE JANINE TO SECRECY,

JANINE SWORE ALLISON TO SECRECY,
ALLISON SWORE PHIL TO SECRECY,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SWEAR ME TO SECRECY

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M
NOT GONNA TELL ANYBODY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT
THEY'RE SAYING.

- NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.
- OKAY, FINE.

YOU WANNA BE A GENTLEMAN,

YOU WANNA EXERCISE
DISCRETION, I CAN RESPECT THAT.

I'M A MAN OF CLASS.

AND WHILE NOTHING
IS HAPPENING...

SLIP THIS ON THE TURNTABLE.

ENRICO CARUSO?

HE SINGS, BROADS MELT.

VINNIE, I'VE GOTTA
GET SOME SLEEP.

JUST ONE THING...

RUMOR HAS IT THAT
AS A MEDICAL DOCTOR

YOU KNOW THINGS ABOUT THE
FEMALE BODY REGULAR MEN DON'T.

IT IS SAID THAT YOU HAVE
IT WITHIN YOUR POWER

TO DRIVE WOMEN INTO
STATES OF SEXUAL FRENZY

THAT ACTUALLY DESTROY
BRAIN-CELLS. WELL?

- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
- Caroline: GREAT.

I SEE YOU'RE TAKING ALGEBRA.

I'M TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH MY SCHOOLWORK
SO I CAN GRADUATE WITH MY CLASS.

BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT
A SQUARE ROOT IS?

A DIVISOR OF A QUANTITY THAT,
WHEN SQUARED, GIVES THE QUANTITY.

- SUCH AS, FIVE IS
THE SQUARE ROOT OF 25.
- HUH?

LUCKY GUESS.

OKAY, CAROLINE. HERE SHE IS.

SHE'S AWFULLY CUTE.

IS THERE SOMEBODY ELSE TO
HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF HER?

I'M LIVING WITH MY OLDER SISTER.

SHE WORKS NIGHTS. SHE'S GONNA
WATCH THE BABY WHILE I FINISH SCHOOL.

I'M NOT STUPID. I KNOW
IT'S GONNA BE HARD,

BUT I CAN DO IT!

THERE ARE LOTS
OF SINGLE MOTHERS.

AND I ALREADY HAVE SOMEBODY
TO HELP ME WITH MY ALGEBRA,

- RIGHT?
- HEY, YOU BET.

♪ TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN ♪

♪ TONIGHT WE'LL PUT
ALL OTHER THINGS ASIDE ♪

♪ GIVE IN THIS TIME AND
SHOW ME SOME AFFECTION ♪

♪ WE'RE GOING FOR THOSE
PLEASURES IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ I WANT TO LOVE YOU, FEEL YOU ♪

♪ WRAP MYSELF AROUND YOU ♪

♪ I WANT TO SQUEEZE
YOU, PLEASE YOU ♪

♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

♪ AND IF YOU MOVE REAL SLOW ♪

♪ I'LL LET IT GO ♪

♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪

♪ AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT ♪

♪ I'M ABOUT TO LOSE
CONTROL AND I THINK I LIKE IT ♪

♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪

♪ AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT ♪

♪ AND I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW,
I KNOW, I KNOW I WANT YOU ♪

♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪

♪ AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT ♪

♪ I'M ABOUT TO LOSE
CONTROL AND I THINK I LIKE IT ♪

♪ I'M SO EXCITED... ♪

I KNEW IT. TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

YOU CLEANED YOUR ROOM. SOMETHING
MOMENTOUS IS GONNA HAPPEN HERE TONIGHT.

WRONG, VINNIE, I JUST
FELT THE NEED TO TIDY UP.

YOU LUCKY DOG!

DOOGIE! DOOGIE! DOOGIE!

DOOGIE! DOOGIE! YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH!

- VINNIE?
- MRS. H.?

DOOGIE, COULD YOU ZIP ME UP?

SURE.

THANK YOU, VINNIE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING. I CLEANED
MY ROOM, THAT'S ALL.

- WHY?
- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

YOU WANT ME TO MESS IT UP AGAIN?

FINE, FINE, FINE, I'LL
MESS IT UP AGAIN.

THERE'S NO EARTH-SHATTERING
REASON WHY I'D WANT IT CLEAN.

NO, THIS IS FINE.

YOU'RE FATHER AND
I ARE LEAVING NOW.

WE'LL BE HOME BY MIDNIGHT...

- SHARP.
- GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

GOOD NIGHT, DOOGIE.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT, MRS. H.

- DO YOU THINK SHE KNOWS?
- SHE COULDN'T POSSIBLY.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

- TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!
- YOU TRICKED ME.

SOME GENIUS YOU ARE.

OKAY, OKAY, WANDA WILL
BE HERE IN A HALF HOUR.

- HOW DO I LOOK?
- BEAUTIFUL!

LISTEN,

YOU GOT... PROTECTION?

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T,
I CAN LOAN YOU MINE.

IT'S THE NEW MAGNUM SIZE.

YEAH, I GOT SOME
FROM THE HOSPITAL.

12 DOZEN?!

YOU'RE PLANNING ON WEARING
ONLY ONE AT A TIME, RIGHT?

Howser: DOUGLAS!

- YEAH, DAD?
- COME DOWN HERE, NOW!

I KNEW IT! YOUR
MOM WAS ONTO YOU!

OH... I'M DEAD.

I'LL GO WITH YOU.

PARENTS ARE LESS INCLINED TO
FLIP OUT IF THERE'S AN EYEWITNESS.

YOU HAVE SOME
EXPLAINING TO DO, DOUGLAS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

MY GOD, IT'S GOT
YOUR NAME ON IT.

HELLO, ANA.

OH, DAVID, SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

HOLDING THIS BABY MAKES ME
THINK WE SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

KATHERINE, PLEASE,
I AM 54 YEARS OLD.

I JUST TALKED TO MRS. POLLACK.

I'M GONNA MEET HER AT THE
HOSPITAL IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

I STILL THINK YOU SHOULD
NOTIFY THE POLICE.

DAD, SHE'S JUST ASKING FOR
A COUPLE OF DAYS TO THINK.

SHE'S 17. SHE'S UNMARRIED. HER
PARENTS HAVE TURNED THEIR BACKS ON HER.

I DON'T WANNA DO THE SAME.

DOUGLAS, SHE
ABANDONED HER CHILD.

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING
THAT SHOULD GO UNREPORTED.

DAD, IF I CALL THE POLICE,

THEY MAY TAKE THE
BABY AWAY FROM HER.

HOW WOULD SHE
EVER GET OVER THAT?

LOOK, LET ME TALK
TO MRS. POLLACK.

SHE'S A SOCIAL WORKER. SHE HANDLES
THIS KIND OF THING ALL THE TIME.

IF THERE'S ANY WAY I CAN
HELP THIS GIRL, I WANT TO.

I THINK SHE'S ENTITLED
TO OUR COMPASSION, DAVID.

OKAY, DOUGLAS. TRY IT YOUR WAY.

DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE
A BANQUET TO GO TO?

I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS. YOU
DON'T WANNA BE LATE, DO YOU?

- ARE YOU SURE?
- DAD, I'M A PHYSICIAN,
FOR PETE'S SAKE.

- KATHERINE?
- I THINK IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

GREAT! NOW GO, GO,
HAVE A GOOD TIME!

- HER DIAPER NEEDS
TO BE CHANGED.
- WHOA.

SURELY YOU CAN HANDLE
CHANGING A DIAPER, DR. HOWSER.

- OH, HI.
- HELLO, WANDA.

YOU LOOK VERY...

EXTRAVAGANT.

WHAT WERE YOU AND DOOGIE
PLANNING ON DOING TONIGHT?

BOWLING.

YEAH, YEAH, BOWLING.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S BEGIN.

I'M DETACHING THE DIAPER.

All: WHOA!

OH MY GOD, THIS IS DISGUSTING!

SUCH A LITTLE
BABY MADE ALL THIS?

THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL.

IT'S NOT PRETTY,
BUT IT'S NORMAL.

WHERE'S THE CAN?

- GOT IT!
- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE
HALFWAY THERE.

WHO'S GONNA WIPE THE BABY OFF?

THE CARD HAD YOUR
NAME ON IT, DOOG.

TRUE LOVE GOES JUST SO FAR.

IS SHE OKAY?

YEAH, SHE'S ASLEEP.

IT FEELS KIND OF
NICE TO HOLD HER.

I'M SORRY ABOUT TONIGHT.

I MEAN, THAT OUR
PLANS GOT CANCELED.

IT'S OKAY, I DON'T MIND.

- YOU DON'T?
- I MEAN, I MIND,

- I'M REALLY AGGRAVATED...
- OKAY.

BUT I UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN, WE HAD TO TAKE
HER TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU LOOK REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

I MEAN, YOU LOOKED EXACTLY
RIGHT FOR THE OCCASION.

THANK YOU.

I-I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.

- ARE YOU SURE IT
WASN'T TOO DRESSY?
- NO, IT'S PERFECT.

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE NOT GONNA DO IT.

I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED.

YEAH, ME TOO.

GOD, I LOVE THE SMELL OF
UNDERWEAR IN THE MORNING!

WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR? DIVE IN.

VINNIE, I CAN'T GET WANDA ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. IT'S EMBARRASSING!

DOOG, LAST NIGHT WAS A BUST.

THE DANGER HERE IS
WANDA'S GONNA BACK OUT.

YOU GOTTA KEEP THE MOMENTUM GOING
WITH A LITTLE BLACK-LACE INSPIRATION.

- VINNIE.
- YOU WANNA DO IT, DON'T YOU?

- OF COURSE.
- THEN WORK WITH ME, DOOG.

WHOA, YOU BUY THIS AND YOU
ALMOST DON'T NEED A WOMAN.

CHIC!

PARDON ME, MADAM. WOULD YOU MIND
HOLDING THIS UP AGAINST YOURSELF

JUST SO I CAN GET AN IDEA? I'M
BUYING A GIFT FOR MY MOTHER.

I THINK MOM WOULD LOOK
GOOD IN THAT, DON'T YOU, DOOG?

- YEAH, I DO. VERY GOOD.
- I'M SURE SHE'LL LIKE IT.

THANKS, YOU'RE A
WONDERFUL SALESWOMAN.

AND NOW, ANA,

I'D LIKE TO SING SOMETHING TO YOU
THAT MY MAMA USED TO SING TO ME.

I USED TO TAKE
GREAT COMFORT IN IT.

♪ ANA ANA BOBANA
BANANA FANA FOFANA ♪

♪ FEE FIE MOMANA, ANA. ♪

- LET'S DO DOOGIE!
- Nurse: I'M SORRY.

VISITORS AREN'T ALOUD IN HERE.

NO, NO, IT'S OKAY,
NURSE. SHE'S WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, DOCTOR.

WHAT'S SHE DOING IN HERE?

I CHECKED HER IN FOR DEHYDRATION, BUT
THERE'S REALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH HER.

I WAS JUST WANTING
TO BUY A LITTLE TIME.

WELL, IF THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH HER,

I WANNA TAKE HER HOME.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
TALK ABOUT THAT FIRST.

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. I
ASKED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF HER.

I DIDN'T THINK SHE'D
END UP IN HERE.

WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A SECOND.

YOU SCREWED UP.

YOU SCREWED UP IN A BIG WAY.

WHY, BECAUSE I NEEDED A
COUPLE OF DAYS TO THINK?

YOU ABANDONED THE BABY! NOW, I WANNA
HELP YOU, BUT I HAVE TO HELP ANA, TOO.

AT THE HOSPITAL, IT SEEMED LIKE
EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE OKAY.

BUT I WAS NEVER ALONE WITH HER.

SHE ALWAYS NEEDED SOMETHING.

SHE WAS CRYING, OR HUNGRY,

OR HAD TO BE CHANGED.

I WAS SO TIRED, I NEVER
EVEN MADE IT TO SCHOOL.

AND MY FRIENDS,

THEY WOULD PLAY WITH
HER FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES,

AND THEN THEY ALWAYS
HAD SOMETHING ELSE TO DO.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT
WOULD BE SO LONELY.

I'M STILL A KID, DR. HOWSER.

YOU CAN'T BE A KID WITH A BABY.

I KNOW.

I SAW A PROGRAM ON TELEVISION

WHERE THIS GIRL, THEY
CALLED HER "THE BIRTH MOTHER"

GOT TO PICK OUT THE COUPLE
WHO ADOPTED HER BABY.

AND IT MADE HER FEEL BETTER.

SHE KNEW THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE.

THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE
WHO CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.

IF YOU'D LIKE, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE
OFFICE AND STAY WITH YOU AWHILE.

OKAY.

I GUESS THAT WOULD
BE THE RIGHT THING.

DO YOU WANNA SPEND A
MINUTE WITH HER... BY YOURSELF?

I BETTER NOT.

OKAY.

- DID YOU HAVE SOME DIP?
- NO.

BUT IT WAS NICE OF YOU
TO MAKE REFRESHMENTS.

DOOGIE, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

- I DON'T KNOW.
- OKAY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD KISS FIRST.

I READ A WHOLE
CHAPTER ON FOREPLAY.

THERE'S NO SENSE IN WASTING IT.

ARE YOU SURE YOUR
PARENTS WON'T COME HOME?

THEY'RE IN SANTA BARBARA.

VINNIE'S NOT GONNA COME JUMPING
THROUGH THE WINDOW, IS HE?

I LOANED HIM MY VOLVO,
GAVE HIM MONEY FOR A MOVIE,

AND THREATENED HIM
WITH A SEVERE PUMMELING.

COULD YOU TURN THEM AROUND?

OKAY?

I CAN'T DO IT.

I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU,
WANDA. I THINK YOU'RE REALLY SEXY.

I'VE HAD THOUSANDS OF
SEXUAL FANTASIES ABOUT YOU,

BUT I JUST DON'T THINK
I'M READY TO HAVE SEX.

DOOGIE, I DON'T...

OH GREAT, NOW I'VE HURT YOUR
FEELINGS. I DIDN'T WANNA DO THAT.

DO YOU WANNA DO IT?

JUST WAIT A MINUTE, I'M SURE
I CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.

I DON'T THINK I'M
READY TO DO IT EITHER.

WHY?

I JUST WANTED TO
GET IT OVER WITH.

I'M SO TIRED OF HEARING
ABOUT IT AND WORRYING ABOUT IT.

I THOUGHT WE SHOULD JUST
DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH,

AND THEN WE COULD
HAVE FUN AGAIN.

ARE WE LIKE NERDS?

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

OH NO.

OH NO, I'M A NERD,
YOU'RE A NERD.

COME HERE, NERD GIRL. COME ON!

- NO.
- COME HERE.

I'M GLAD WE CHANGED
OUR MINDS, WANDA.

I MEAN, WHAT IF SEX CHANGES
EVERYTHING BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE?

AND NOT JUST HAVING A BABY.

WHAT IF JUST HAVING SEX

PUTS A LOT OF PRESSURE ON YOU?

IF YOU'RE NOT READY FOR IT,

MAYBE IT CAN BREAK YOU UP.

SEE...

I LIKE THE WAY WE ARE TOGETHER.

I... I DON'T WANNA
RISK MESSING THAT UP.

ME NEITHER.

I WONDER IF WE'LL EVER DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF WE DO,

IT WON'T BE BECAUSE VINNIE
AND JANINE WANT US TO.

IT'LL BE JUST FOR US.

COME HERE, I WANNA
SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS MY PERSONAL JOURNAL.

EVERY NIGHT I PUT IN MY
MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS.

I'VE NEVER SHOWN IT TO ANYONE.

THAT'S FOUR LITTLE WORDS.

"DOIT"?

I LOVE YOU TOO, DOOGIE HOWSER.