Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Doogie passes one test to get his driver's license, but he must pass another when he treats a critically ill boy.

Man: HEY, WILL YOU
MOVE IT, PLEASE?

Woman: GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Instructor: YOU'RE PROCEEDING
AT THE PROPER SPEED, DOUGLAS.

THE EXAMINATION IS GOING NICELY.

MAKE A RIGHT TURN
AT THE NEXT CORNER.

EXCELLENT NEGOTIATION.

TODAY'S HIS 16th BIRTHDAY.

GETTING HIS LICENSE
WOULD JUST BE

THE MOST PERFECT PRESENT.

FORGIVE ME, BUT I PREFER
SILENCE DURING THE EXAMINATION.

YOUR BEING HERE
IS AGAINST POLICY.



DON'T EXACERBATE IT BY SPEAKING.

I THINK YOU CAN CHANCE IT.

LET'S TURN AROUND,
THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT.

JUST PULL OVER HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THERE'S A CAR. STOP AT
ONCE! IMPROPER SPEED.

Mother: YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST.

- UNACCEPTABLY EXCESSIVE!
- PLEASE, DOOGIE, SLOW DOWN.

FOR GOD'S SAKES!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
RETURN TO THE VEHICLE!

- HEY.
- LET ME SEE HIM.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- Officer: GET OUT OF THERE!

- GET THE HELL
OUT OF THERE, KID.
- LET GO OF ME.

- GRAB THIS IDIOT, WILL YA?
- GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

- YOU WANNA GO TO JAIL?
- NO YOU'LL BE GOING TO JAIL
FOR CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE.



HE HAS A DISLOCATED
FRACTURE OF THE FEMUR AND

HE'LL LOSE HIS LEG
UNLESS I FIX IT RIGHT AWAY.

- HOLD HIS TORSO DOWN
WHILE I ROTATE HIS LEG.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THERE'S NO PULSE BEHIND THE KNEE.
HE'LL LOSE HIS LEG TO GANGRENE!

- WE'RE NOT MOVING THIS...
- HOLD IT DOWN!

AND YOU, BRACE HIS
NECK. PLEASE, HURRY!

HERE WE GO.

YOU READY?

OKAY.

OKAY, WE'RE GETTING SOME
CIRCULATION. IS HE STILL BREATHING?

- YEAH.
- GOOD.

NOW GO GET ME SOMETHING
I CAN USE FOR A LEG BRACE.

- GO.
- Officer: OKAY,
CLEAR AWAY, FOLKS.

COME ON, STAY BACK.

- WHO IS THIS KID?
- THAT'S MY SON.

THE DOCTOR.

THE FIRST PATIENT WE'RE
GONNA SEE IS WILLIAM JOHNSON...

BLACK MALE, AGE
SIX, ADMITTED 5:32 A.M.,

WITH CARDIOMYOPATHY,
AND FAILURE.

WE DID A CHEST X-RAY, EKG,
AND AN ECHOCARDIOGRAM.

HE HAS A MURMUR OF
MITRAL INSUFFICIENCY.

I GAVE HIM DIGOXIN
.125 MILLIGRAMS;

LASIX 20 MILLIGRAMS, B.I.D.;

AND ALDACTA 12.5
MILLIGRAMS B.I.D.

ALSO, I'D LIKE TO SEND
HIM TO NUCLEAR MEDICINE

- FOR A CARDIAC SCAN AT 9:30.
- THANK YOU, DR. HOWSER.

ALL RIGHT PEOPLE,
LET'S GO TAKE A LOOK.

Cardiology intern,
report to o.R.3.

Cardiology intern to o.R.3.

- YO, WILLIAM!
- YO, DOOGIE.

THIS IS DR. JOSEPHSON,
WILLIAM. HE'S THE MAIN MAN.

THIS IS DR. CHEESEBALL,
DR. RAYMOND,

AND DR. TURNER.

WELL, WILLIAM. YOU'RE NOT
FEELING TOO WELL, ARE YOU?

NO, SIR.

NOT TO WORRY, YOUNG MAN.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE
YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER.

WE MIGHT EVEN GIVE
YOU A NEW HEART.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

AM I GONNA DIE?

HEY! NO WAY, FORGET THAT.

WE'RE GONNA FIX YOU UP SO WE
CAN GET A REALLY SICK KID IN HERE.

- RIGHT, DR. JOSEPHSON?
- RIGHT.

DEFINITELY.

OKAY?

OKAY.

THIS KID IS DEBILITATED. HIS
RENAL FUNCTION IS DECREASED.

HIS CREATININE IS ELEVATED.
HE CAN'T SURVIVE A TRANSPLANT.

ACCORDING TO THESE TEST
RESULTS, HE MOST CERTAINLY CAN.

- THE BOY'S MOTHER HAS
ALREADY GIVEN HER CONSENT.
- ON YOUR RECOMMENDATION.

BUT STATISTICALLY, HE'S GOT A BETTER
CHANCE IF WE JUST REPAIR THE VALVE.

DR. CANFIELD, THIS KID'S
BEEN IN FAILURE A LONG TIME.

LET'S GET HIM OUT OF FAILURE, BUILD
HIM UP, THEN DO THE TRANSPLANT.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO
MY LEARNED COLLEAGUE HERE,

I HAVE SPENT MORE
YEARS FIXING HEARTS

- THAN HE'S BEEN ALIVE.
- HENRY...

AND I DO NOT NEED
SOME 16-YEAR-OLD,

SNOT-NOSED GENIUS
TELLING ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!

MY CALL IS TO DO THE TRANSPLANT.

DOES MY CALL STAND OR NOT?

GIVEN THE VERY REAL POSSIBILITY

THIS BOY MIGHT NOT
SURVIVE EITHER PROCEDURE...

YES, YOUR CALL STANDS.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL HIM!
AND YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP!

DOUGLAS. DR. HOWSER!

- YOU WILL BEHAVE.
- DON'T TALK TO ME
LIKE YOU'RE MY FATHER!

YOU'RE NOT!

Doogie's voice:
"SEPTEMBER 21st, 1989.

TODAY IS MY 16th BIRTHDAY.

A MAJOR MILESTONE
BECAUSE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE

IS AT LONG LAST A REALITY.

WHICH MEANS TOMORROW,
SEPTEMBER 22nd,

I'LL BE BEHIND THE WHEEL.

ON THE WAY TO THE HARVEST DANCE

WITH WANDA PLENN...

THE PRETTIEST,
MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL

IN THE WHOLE WORLD."

GOTCHA! I GOT YOU GOOD, HOWSER.

JEEZ, VINNIE. YOU ALMOST
GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK.

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
JANINE STEWART GIVES.

GET OUT.

SEX, DOOGIE. TOMORROW NIGHT,

AFTER THE DANCE. WAMPA-WAMPA.

YEAH, YOU SAID THE SAME THING
ABOUT SUZY BERLUTTI LAST YEAR

- AND...
- SUZY BERLUTTI
WAS IN THE BAG.

IF I HADN'T PUKED ON HER
SHOE, IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

- SURE, VINNIE.
- HEY, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS,
PENCIL NECK.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA GET SEX AND
YOU'VE NEVER EVEN KISSED A GIRL.

- I'VE KISSED PLENTY.
- NAME ONE.

- WANDA PLENN, TOMORROW NIGHT.
- OH YEAH, RIGHT.

I'M GONNA DO IT DURING A SLOW
DANCE. IT'S ALL FIGURED OUT.

I'M GONNA TELL HER
HER HAIR SMELLS GREAT.

THEN I'M GONNA LEAN IN
AND SNIFF HER SHAMPOO.

GIRLS LOVE GETTING SNIFFED.

THEN...

I GIVE HER A LICK ON HER
LOBULAE AURICULORAE.

YOU'RE GONNA DO IT IN PUBLIC?

IT'S HER EARLOBE, STUPID.

AND IF SHE DOESN'T PULL BACK,

THEN I KNOW IT'S OKAY FOR ME
TO GIVE WANDA THE BIG WET ONE.

Howser: THE BIG WHAT?

- OH HI, DAD.
- HIYA, DR. HOWSER.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, VINCENT?

OH, I WAS JUST VISITING
WITH DOOGIE, DR. HOWSER,

LISTENING TO HIS PLAN
TO PART WANDA PLENN'S

PULSATING RED LIPS WITH HIS
PROBING PUBESCENT TONGUE.

GREAT GOING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOOGIE.
- THANKS, GUYS.

OH, COOL.

IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.

I LOVE IT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LOOK, DAD, HERE'S THE THING.

TOMORROW'S THE BIG
DANCE AT BRENTWOOD

AND VINNIE AND I GOT
THESE DATES AND ALL.

AND I WAS WONDERING COULD I
BORROW YOUR CAR TOMORROW NIGHT?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH
YOUR MOTHER'S CAR?

IT'S A CRUMMY OLD STATION WAGON.

IT'S GOT A LOUSY RADIO.

WELL, YOU JUST GOT YOUR LICENSE

AND I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET
SOME MILES UNDER YOUR BELT

BEFORE YOU START USING MY CAR.

DAD... PLEASE.

NO, NO. I'M AFRAID NOT, SON.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR DOOGIE ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. ♪

- MAKE A WISH, DOOGIE.
- I ALREADY DID.

DAVE HERE SAID NO.

I WILL NOT BE CALLED "DAVE."

DAVID, HE'S JUST KIDDING.

IT'S DISRESPECTFUL.

NO, DISRESPECTFUL IS TREATING
SOMEONE LIKE A JERKY KID

JUST BECAUSE HE HAPPENS
TO CHRONOLOGICALLY BE 16...

YOU'RE NOT EXCUSED FROM
THIS TABLE, YOUNG MAN.

SIT DOWN!

EMOTIONALLY MATURITY IS NOT A
FUNCTION OF GENIUS, MY FRIEND.

IT IS A FUNCTION OF EXPERIENCE.

AND YOU HAVE AMPLY DEMONSTRATED
BY YOUR BEHAVIOR HERE

THAT YOU ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY.

YEAH, YEAH, DAD.

- WHAT?
- NOTHING.

Man: I COME IN HERE,
AN EMERGENCY,

EXPECTING A QUALIFIED PHYSICIAN

AND I GET A 16-YEAR-OLD
KID. THAT'S NEGLIGENCE,

- PURE AND SIMPLE.
- IF YOU COULD JUST HOLD
STILL, MR. FINKELSTEIN.

YOU'LL BE HOLDING STILL FOR A
BIG FAT LAWSUIT IN FEDERAL COURT!

16 YEARS OLD.

I'LL ADD A COUNT FOR INFLICTION
OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.

WELL I'M SORRY YOU
FEEL THIS WAY, SIR.

BUT AS AN ATTORNEY, YOU
MUST KNOW THERE'S NO DUTY

OWED BY THE HOSPITAL WITH
RESPECT TO THE AGE OF ITS DOCTORS.

NOR IS THERE ANY PROXIMATE CAUSE
CONNECTING ME TO THE HARM SUFFERED.

AND EVEN IF YOU COULD MAKE OUT
A PRIMA FACIE CASE OF NEGLIGENCE,

YOU DON'T HAVE
DIVERSITY JURISDICTION

TO GET THIS INTO FEDERAL COURT.

BESIDES WHICH, I'M DONE.

- YOU'RE DONE?
- YEP.

SEVEN STITCHES, NICE AND NEAT.

THERE SHOULDN'T
BE MUCH OF A SCAR.

OH.

WELL I GUESS IT LOOKS OKAY.

MAYBE I WON'T SUE.

WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,

THE STATUE OF LIMITATIONS
FOR MALPRACTICE IS THREE YEARS.

OH.

ARE YOU A LAWYER TOO, DOOGIE?

NAH, I JUST READ ALL THE BOOKS.

LISTEN, THERE'S NO ONE
ELSE WAITING IN THE E.R.

DO YOU WANNA WALK
WITH ME A MINUTE?

WHERE?

COME ON.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- DOOGIE...

WE'RE FRIENDS, AREN'T WE?

UH-HUH.

AND FRIENDS SHARE SECRETS
WITH EACH OTHER, AM I RIGHT?

YEAH, I GUESS.

I LIKE YOUNGER MEN, DOOGIE.

I ALWAYS HAVE.

AND ON A FEW OCCASIONS
I'VE CAUGHT YOU...

WELL... ADMIRING ME.

WE SHOULD PROBABLY
GET BACK TO THE E.R.

AND I WAS JUST WONDERING...

GIVEN OUR MUTUAL ATTRACTION
TOWARDS EACH OTHER...

AND GIVEN THE FACT THAT WE'D PROBABLY
FUNCTION BETTER... PROFESSIONALLY...

IF THOSE ATTRACTIONS
WERE EXTINGUISHED,

IT MIGHT MAKE SENSE FOR OUR

RESPECTIVE FANTASIES

TO BE... QUENCHED.

HUH?

DOOGIE MONSTER.

AH.

NURSE SPAULDING.

THERE'S JUST ONE
THING I HAVE TO TELL YOU

BEFORE WE DO THIS.

WHAT'S THAT?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOOGIE.

All: SURPRISE!

All: ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
DEAR DOOGIE... ♪

WHAT'S UP?

I HAVE AN UNIDENTIFIED
BODY IN BIN NUMBER EIGHT.

EVEN MONEY, IT WAS PROBABLY
SOMEONE UNDER YOUR CARE.

LOOK, DOOGIE. ABOUT LAST NIGHT,

- IT WAS ONLY A JOKE.
- HEY, FORGET IT.

ARE YOU SURE?

NO PROBLEM, REALLY.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE
SUCH A GOOD DOCTOR

WE SOMETIMES FORGET
YOU'RE ONLY 16 YEARS OLD.

I'M SORRY TOO, DOOGIE.

THE LAST THING I'D EVER
WANT TO DO IS HURT YOU,

OR JEOPARDIZE A FRIENDSHIP
THAT MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO ME.

STILL FRIENDS?

- YEAH, STILL FRIENDS.
- THATTABOY!

NUMBER EIGHT?

NO TOE TAG. THAT'S GREAT!

I DON'T KNOW HOW
SO MANY BODIES GET...

- ALL RIGHT, VINNIE!
- HEY!

HEY LOOSEN UP, YOU
GUYS. IT WAS ONLY A JOKE.

THAT WAS PERFECT! WHOO!

Doogie: YO, WILLIAM?

HOW YA DOING?

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A
LITTLE KID I WAS SICK TOO.

I WAS REAL SICK.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU?

I HAD A DISEASE
CALLED ACUTE LEUKEMIA.

I GOT IT FIRST WHEN I WAS FOUR,

AND THEN I HAD IT
AGAIN WHEN I WAS SIX.

DID YOU THINK YOU
WERE GONNA DIE?

I ALMOST DID DIE.

I WAS SO WEAK.

I HAD TO TAKE THIS MEDICINE

THAT MADE ME FEEL ALL PUKEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

I LOST ALL MY HAIR.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

BUT IT WAS GOOD THOUGH 'CAUSE
IT MADE ME WANNA BE A DOCTOR.

WHEN AM I GONNA
GET MY NEW HEART?

IT'S HARD TO SAY.

COULD BE TODAY OR TOMORROW

OR NEXT WEEK.

IT DEPENDS ON WHEN THEY GET ONE.

WHERE DO THEY GET IT FROM?

THE TRUTH?

FROM A KID WHO DIES.

I'M SCARED.

DON'T BE.

GETTING A NEW HEART'S
GONNA BE SO PRIME!

WILL YOU BE THERE WHEN I GET IT?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO WAY I'D MISS IT.

COOL.

COOL.

♪ LET'S DO IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE WALKIN', BABE ♪

♪ JUST BREAK OUT OF HERE ♪

♪ HASTA LA VISTA, BABY ♪

♪ WILD THING. ♪

- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
- LOUSY.

WE'RE OUT IN THE PARKING
LOT PROGRESSING NICE,

THEN BOOM, DEJA
VU, SUZY BERLUTTI.

- YOU PUKED?
- RIGHT DOWN THE FRONT
OF HER DRESS.

SHE'S IN THE
BATHROOM CLEANING UP.

HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU LICKED
WANDA'S LOBA-URICULA THINGY?

- NOT YET.
- HI, I'M BACK.

CAN WE DANCE TO
THIS ONE, DOOGIE?

SURE.

♪ ONE WAY TO ENTER ♪

♪ FOR I KNOW SHE'S OUT
THERE SOMEWHERE... ♪

I'M HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.

YEAH, ME TOO.

MY FRIENDS THINK
IT'S REALLY COOL

ABOUT YOU BEING A
DOCTOR AND STUFF.

- IT MUST BE AMAZING.
- IT'S OKAY.

NO BIG DEAL.

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU CAME TO
THE DANCE WITH ME, DOUGLAS.

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME.

YOUR HAIR SMELLS GREAT, WANDA.

THANKS.

♪ IF I CAN LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND SHOW YOU ♪

♪ WHY DO I HIDE FROM
THIS LOVE I DENY? ♪

♪ BABY, WHAT CAN I DO... ♪

♪ TO GET THROUGH? ♪

WHAT'S THAT?

MY PANTS ALARM.

MY BEEPER.

I GOTTA CALL IN, WANDA.

RIGHT NOW?

I'M SORRY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE WAS ASLEEP IN HIS BED WHEN
HE SUDDENLY STARTED TO FIBRILLATE.

WE WORKED ON HIM
FOR OVER AN HOUR.

I'M SORRY, DR. HOWSER.

I GUESS THERE WAS JUST NOTHING
EITHER ONE OF US COULD HAVE DONE.

YOUR MOTHER TOLD
ME WHAT HAPPENED.

I PROMISED HIM HE'D BE OKAY.

I SAID I'D BE THERE FOR HIM.

THE FIRST TIME I LOST A YOUNG
PATIENT I CRIED LIKE A BABY.

AS YOU GET OLDER,
YOU LEARN TO HANDLE IT.

I DON'T WANT TO HANDLE IT.

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A
DOCTOR, YOU'LL HAVE TO.

WHY?

WHY CAN'T I JUST
BE A NORMAL KID?

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A NORMAL KID.

YOU'RE DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D.

B.G.

A.A.G.K.

WHAT'S THAT?

BOY GENIUS.

ALL AROUND GREAT KID.

I LOVE YOU, SON.

I LOVE YOU TOO, DAD.

COME ON.

GET SOME SLEEP NOW.

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