Dollface (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Fun Friend - full transcript

‐ Oh, my God, Jules,
I'm so happy you were up.

‐ I wasn't.

‐ I was at this insane baby shower
in the hills that's right near here.

‐ You were at a baby shower
that ended at 5:00 in the morning?

‐ Oh, no. It's still going. I just left.

You know, I can't party like I used to.

But I wanted to ask you a favor

and see if you wanted to
come out with me tomorrow night.

‐ So, tonight for me,
'cause you're still on yesterday, right?

Oh, that's salsa.
‐ Yeah, I know.

My mom's in town, so I was hoping
you'd come and get a drink with us.



‐ Me, really? I mean, yeah. I'd love that.

‐ Okay, great.

And she can get a little wild,

so it totally helps balance the energy
if I bring someone more like...

you know, regular.

‐ And by regular you mean, like...
‐ Like... boring.

‐ You think I'm boring?

‐ Yes, Jules, but as a compliment.

‐ I don't really think you can
say a negative word,

and then call it a compliment.

‐ You have no idea.

The last time my mom was in town,
we got matching tattoos.

What'd you do last time
your parents were here?

‐ It was basically like that.
I mean, uh,



we went to Home Depot,

but then they didn't have
the kind of wall anchors I needed,

so we went to a different Home Depot,

and then, uh, oh, we got pancakes.
That's exciting.

‐ Mm. With, like, chocolate chips?

‐ Nah, I just really just like mine plain.

Oh, my God. I am boring.

‐ Jules, don't spiral. Tomorrow night,
you're hanging out with my mom.

And right now,
I'm hanging out with your cat.

‐ Okay.

You get some rest.

I'm just gonna...

take care of a bunch of boring stuff
in the living room

that I have to deal with.

Remember, if anyone asks,

I'm sick.

‐ Tell Paris I killed the story...

and tell Milan we'll see
the proofs by Tuesday.

No, those aren't cities.

Those are Instagram models.

Jules, I'm not letting you
miss girls' night out.

Take this. It'll make you feel better.

‐
Oh, my God. What was that?

‐ Wheat grass. Now take this.

‐
That was wheat grass?

‐ Nope. That was tequila.

‐ I promise I'm sick, Madison.
Feel my forehead.

‐ Oh, man. You're burning up.

And greasy.

‐ Did someone say, "Burning Man"?

‐ We can't go. Jules is sick.
‐ What?

But I brought my best friend "Molly."

She's a real "pill,"
if you know what I mean.

‐ Hey, girl, hey. I let myself in.

‐ Izzy, did you climb through
my hedges again?

‐ A lady never tells.

‐ Jules, stop changing the subject.
We're talking about you bailing.

‐ You look totally fine
on Izzy's Insta‐stories today at work.

‐ Izzy, did you post a photo of me
without my permission again?

‐ A lady never tells.

‐ I really am sick.

‐ Jules, you're coming. Now de‐Snuggie.

‐ How many of those do you have on?

‐ A lady never‐‐

Hey!

‐ Oh, God, I love this show.

Come on, I'm not actually
the boring one in real life.

Right?

‐ So you're saying the promo is not ready.

‐ It's not that it's not ready.
There are just a few concerns.

‐ Challenges. Challenges open the soul.

Concerns cause wrinkles.
‐ Right.

Well, there are just a few
challenges that I'm concerned about.

Chall‐‐ Challenged about?
Challenged by.

Good morning.

I see all of you,

and you all feel seen.

Woman with the new bangs,

let's screen the promo.

Woom is introducing
an exciting new product

to transform your health.

This collagen supplement contains
only the purest ingredients

to give you the most beautiful,
glowing skin.

It's the most superior product
on the market.

So, raise your hands

if you're ready to feel like
the best in the world.

White Powder.

‐ First of all, it looks very fresh,
and fun. But...

and granted, I'm a little more sensitive
and in tune with these things,

I did catch a slight obstacle
with the logo.

‐ I would say I was also cognizant
of the obstacle.

‐ I would like to echo that sentiment.
‐ Me, too.

Not, like hashtag me too,
just, like, also me.

‐ Ladies, what a rad opportunity.

These are the kinds of discussions
that Woom was built to incubate.

Let's open a dialogue. Alison.

‐ We could take this to a focus group
and get some feedback.

‐ This is why I love bad ideas.

They really keep the conversation moving.

‐ We could form an internal task force
to look for answers.

‐ No.

You'll form an internal task force
to look for questions.

‐ Why would we‐‐
‐ Question everything.

Who are we as women?
Who are we as humans?

What are we trying to say?
What are we trying to sell?

Will this product revolutionize wellness?

Will Celeste be upset
if the product launch is delayed?

Will someone get fired because of this?

‐ Will someone get fired because of this?

‐ Exactly. Very cool conversation.

It felt massively organic.

Other Alison B.,
I'll let you take the lead on this.

‐ Me? I mean,

don't you think Alison S.
would be better for this one?

‐ Why?

‐ No reason.

I am actually the perfect person
to handle this.

I'll get right on it.

Thank you so much.

‐ Thank you.

You're welcome.

Namaste.

Tips up, bitches.

Oh.

I love drinking!

And I love winter sports.

I love everything that's happening
to me right now.

You were not lying.
Your mom is wild and fun.

But it's so great,
because I am also wild and fun,

and we have that in common.
‐ Hey, hey, hey.

What did I tell you girls?
No "M" word tonight.

Call me Teri.
‐ Round three, on the ski.

‐ Whoo, you know it, snow pants.

‐ Oh, okay. You know what, Teri?

Uh, I don't think Jules
wants another shot.

Right, Jules?
‐ That's right. I want another.

‐ Ha! Tips up, bitches!

Oh, boy.

Oh. Oh, hell, yeah. You're my bitch!

Oh, God. Oh, God.
I just called your mom a bitch.

Oh, God, I just called your Teri a mom.

‐ Be right back. I need to rearrange
my sticky boobs before the next round.

‐ Uh, there's gonna be a next round. Yay!
‐ Hey, hey. Jules. Jules.

I brought you here to slow the pace
of the night down, okay?

Think more bunny hill, less black diamond.

‐ I have never been
to the Olympics, Stella.

I have literally no idea
what you're talking about.

‐ Every time Teri comes to visit me,

it‐‐ it's like it's my fault
that she had me so young.

So now I have to be the one

to help her relive her wild youth
that she never had.

Yeah, that's great.
My little half‐brothers get a real mom,

and I get a drinking buddy.

‐ Ooh, I get a very weird rash
on my upper back when it's hot outside.

‐ So, Julesy, spill the tea.

Who are you dating? Ooh, sorry.

Who are you hooking up with?
‐ Okay.

Jules doesn't wanna tell you
about her love life, Mom.

‐ Come on, I need to live vicariously
through you girls.

I need to know every detail of your life.

‐ Okay. Well, I have something
kind of big going on.

Um, I applied to business school.

‐ Ah, school!

Ah, that's great, baby.

But don't you know
that all I ever think about is school?

School lunches and school plays, and‐‐

What the hell are
a bunch of 9‐year‐olds

doing Kinky Boots for, anyway?
- Wait.

Did you just say
you applied for business school?

‐ Yeah. I took the GRE a few months ago,

and actually did well.

‐ Do you know what they say to you
at Payless

when you ask them for thigh‐high
patent leather boots for a fourth‐grader?

‐ Stella! I am so proud of you.
‐ Thanks.

‐ I should do something for you.

We should do another shot for you.

Whoo!
Now that's the kind of talk I like.

‐ Well, what can I say, Teri?
We are cut from the same cloth.

Fetch me goggle boy!

Okay. Yes.

‐ Whoo! All right.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

‐ Aah.
‐ Aah.

Thank you so much for coming.

We'd say our problem
is at threat level orange,

but orange clashes with
the blush tones in the office,

so we've agreed to just say it's very bad.

‐ You were right to call me, Izzy.
‐ Oh.

Quick but vital reminder
to call me Alison here.

‐ Oh. Okay. Alison, as in,
"Alison's emotionally unstable"?

‐ That's perfect. Yes.

‐ First, let's address the name.

Having the right name
is important to any successful brand.

‐ Yes.

Yes, That's important and good
for all of us to hear.

Everyone, not just me.

The logo's gonna create
what we call a "barrier to purchase."

Mainly because it's incredibly racist.

So, how do we turn that into a sellable?

We keep the white powder,
and add other, colorful nutrients.

Green chlorophyll, orange turmeric,
yellow bee pollen.

Redo the packaging, and there it is.

"Powder Dynamicz."

‐ Thank you.

For bringing your dope goddess energy
into this space.

‐ It is such a pleasure meeting you.

I have listened to your TED talk
on career mantras at least 10 times.

‐ I love that I inspired you.

You inspired me.
‐ Oh.

‐ So, in a way, you can say
I inspired myself.

Thank you for reminding me
to be mindful of that.

‐ Madison, that was brilliant.

‐ You have to let us buy you a drink
tomorrow night to say thank you.

‐ Sure. Sounds fun.

‐ Oh, thank God. PR nightmare averted.

‐ PR nightmare not averted.

PR nightmare standing in front of me.

Look, I want to say this
in the nicest way possible,

but I think your personal brand
is a disaster.

‐ What? Wh‐‐ What's my personal brand?

‐ Sort of like desperation meets
aspiring camp counselor meets

you're using a fake name at work.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Look, you're Jules' friend,

which means you're gonna be around now.

If that's the case, I feel like
it's my professional responsibility

to help you figure out...

all of this.
Like, tomorrow. I'll text you.

‐ Okay. Cool. Sounds good.
I'll see you then.

‐
‐ Ow.

Ow. I'm okay.

‐ I feel like my spirit
is trapped inside by own dead body

and some unfinished business
is keeping me from crossing over.

‐ Okay, Jules, it's 2019.

We're not supposed to make
Ghost jokes anymore.

‐ Last night was a total
and complete failure.

‐ Are you kidding?

Last night, you passed out
25 minutes into it.

I got take you home,

instead of escorting Teri to that bar
with the mechanical horse.

It was perfect.

‐ I guess I just don't see what's perfect

about me not being able to keep up
with someone who drives a minivan.

And since when are you excited
to end a night early, anyway?

‐ I don't know. I mean, I get that
everyone expects me to be

the fun friend all the time.
But, you know,

sometimes I could use a night off.
Is that so much to ask?

‐ No. It's not.

And you deserve a friend
who can give you that

without rendering herself unconscious.

My boring‐ness is driving people away.

It's probably why I got dumped,

and now it's stopping me
from being a good friend.

‐ Okay, just 'cause you are boring
doesn't make you a bad friend.

I mean, without you,
I'd have no one to recommend a podiatrist.

‐ Dr. Nuzzbaum's the best, isn't he?
‐ Oh, my gosh.

These insoles changed my whole posture.

‐ I knew they would.

Hey.
Hey, guys.

Madison invited me to come.

She said we're gonna fix
all the things that are wrong with me,

and I'm told it's a very long list.

‐ I think Stella's tired of always
having to be the party,

and I want to help.

I want to do something for her.

‐ She said she needed new headphones.

‐ No, I mean, like, actually do something.

You guys have been so there for me
during my breakup,

and I just want to do the same.

I want to plan a really fun night out
for Stella.

The kind of night that'll make her go,
"Whoa. That was a really fun night."

‐ That's really sweet, Jules.
But you can't "out‐Stella" Stella.

It's not your brand.

I mean, your brand
is recommending a good podiatrist.

‐ Nuzzbaum does good work.

Should I be withholding that information
from the world?

‐ This is exactly
what I'm trying to teach Izzy.

She's all over the place,
pretending to be someone she's not.

‐ Oh, so you're trying to "Madison" Izzy?

‐ Oh, excuse me?

‐ You said I'm trying to "Stella" Stella,
but you're trying to "Madison" Izzy.

‐ Identifying her flaws,

putting your spin on it,

managing her image.
You're giving her the full Madison.

‐ Okay, fine. I am. But between that,
and kicking your ass on this hike,

I'm gonna need to "Jules" myself later.
‐ What is that?

‐ When you change out of
one set of pajamas,

directly into another set of pajamas.

‐ Not funny!

‐ Hey, don't die before you get up here.

I want us to all take a picture.

‐ We're in a fight. All of us.
I'm mad at all of you.

Plan a fun night out for
the most fun girl on the planet.

How hard could that be?

I can do this. I'm fun.

I'm so fun I'm gonna Google "fun."

Find out where it happens.

"Best places to have fun."

"Best places to have funerals."

It's never
too late to plan for life's longest nap.

You don't know me, Internet.

"Things to do for fun."

Fungus?

Dr. Nuzzbaum.

Most highly rated podiatrist
in greater Los Angeles

Goddamn it, Nuzzbaum.

"Popular nightclubs."

‐ So the club is pretty simple,

if you've got a webcam
and you've got needles.

Come on!
"Underground parties."

"Under eye circles"? Rude.

Are you
still watching The Great British Bake Off?

Press play to continue.

Fine. But just the rest of this episode,

then I keep searching.

‐ First things first.

We can't build a brand
off a fake identity.

You pretended to be Alison at work,

because you're not confident
in who you really are.

‐ Izzy. Yes, that's correct.

‐ Okay. Well, I'm sure "Izzy"
has selling points.

We just have to clarify them.

How would you sell yourself to me?

‐ For free. You can totally have me.

I'll pay you to take me.

‐ Wrong.
‐ On Etsy?

‐ Wrong.
‐ eBay.

‐ Wrong.
‐ It's Etsy, isn't it?

‐ I, I meant,

how would you sell yourself
as a person? Like, marketing.

‐ Well, for marketing at Woom,
I usually make a pitch presentation.

‐ So, what do you think?

‐ When you said you wanted
to surprise me with plans tonight,

I kind of assumed, like, a chill night in,

where we play non‐strip Uno or something.

‐ They just call that "Uno."

‐ I mean, I even wore my comfy clothes.

‐ This is how you dress
when you're not trying?

‐ Yeah.
‐ Okay. Nope.

Follow me.

Hi. Wiley. Party of two.

Um, online you only had
a 4:30 p. m. reservation,

but I called and you said
you might be able to accommodate me.

‐ We're fully committed.

‐ Hey. It's, uh, Stella. Fabian's friend.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Right this way.

‐ Thank you.

‐ I can't believe you know someone here.

This place has been open for four days.

‐ I went to the soft opening.
But I didn't see it from out here.

We were in the back,
in some small private kitchen

doing this dumb,
curated tasting menu thing

with this stupid,
world‐renowned head chef.

‐ Ugh. Oh, hi.
Um, could you tell us the specials?

‐ No.

Desalinated snake venom.

‐ If this isn't your vibe,
we can totally do couch, takeout,

Nutella from the jar. Seriously.

‐ No. We're not doing that.

We're being fun.
‐ Okay.

‐ Now. Ahem. I feel a little weird
about having these, but...

Here.

‐ Sour Patch Kids?

‐ What? No. These are...

weed gummies.

‐ Honey, these are Sour Patch Kids.
‐ That's impossible.

Jeremy's cousin left them at our place

when he was here
visiting colleges last year.

I found them in a sketchy plastic baggie
with a note that said,

"Enjoy your trip."

‐ I'm guessing because his mom
packed him snacks for his trip.

Because she's a mom,
and not a drug dealer.

Taste like a Sour Patch Kid?

‐ That doesn't prove anything.

‐ Husband goals.

Ryan Gosling.

‐ Overdone.

‐ Style icon.

Kendall Jenner.
‐ Cliche.

‐ Favorite season.
‐ Do not say fall.

Okay.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you are the most basic bitch
I've ever seen,

and I've been to the Museum of Ice Cream.

But this is all so generic.
Is this stuff really even you?

‐ I don't know anymore, okay?

Oh, God.

My entire life, I've just wanted to be
someone people liked,

but I don't think that's possible for me.

‐ Look, I don't think you're basic.

You are fully bananas,
but you are not basic.

And even though the amount you try
is seriously problematic most of the time,

it at least shows that you care.

You care about Jules,
you care about having girlfriends.

And that is definitely not basic.

‐ Favorite moment?

This.

‐ Great. You can start being Izzy again.

‐ What do I tell everyone at work?

I can't just reintroduce myself.
They'll have me committed.

Or they'll un‐follow me.

‐ You mean a relaunch.

This I can do. Come on.

‐ Okay. I realize the night's
been off to a rough start,

but I just read about this brand‐new
nautical‐themed bar

that's literally on this docked boat,

and it's supposed to be really cool.

Please tell me you haven't already been.

‐ No. And actually this seems really dope.

‐ Great. First round's on me.

‐ Oh.
‐ Seems pretty cool.

Good vibes.

And the guy‐to‐lady ratio is favorable.

Ahoy, there, sirs.

Could you point us
in the direction of the bar?

‐ All right. Let's get that guy
to buy us a drink.

‐ Hey.

‐ Ooh. So, I think that Sour Patch Kid
is starting to hit me.

It feels like the bar is moving.

‐ That's because the bar is moving.

Okay. We're here.

Where are we going?

Alaska?

Like, Alaska, Alaska?

‐ I wonder how you say "Alaska"
in Finnish?

‐ Alaska.

‐ Okay. I'm not freaking out.
I could do this.

I could be cool and fun
and not care about anything.

You do it all the time,
and everybody loves you.

‐ Yeah, right. I'm Stella.
I don't care about anything.

‐ No, that's‐‐
Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

No, you got it absolutely right.

I mean, why would I care about
planning for my future

or going to business school
when I'm a fun, party girl?

‐ Stella, please, this is more about me
than it was about you, I swear!

‐ Attention on deck!
This is your captain speaking.

And shit's about to get weird.

‐ Okay. You got your story down?

‐ When this kid from my high school
came out of the closet,

he did it in this dramatic
musical number,

and people seemed to react really well,

so maybe I should be doing this in song?

‐ Okay. Let me go grab some sheet music.

‐ Oh, my God. Really?
‐ I will slap you.

‐ Hey, ladies. I started us off
with a bottle of sparkling rose.

‐ Um, Alison?

Alison, before I share another sip
of fizzy pink wine with you...

I need to tell you guys the truth.

My name isn't Other Alison B.

‐ I know. It must be so hard
that I am original Alison B.,

but you should know that "other,"
it doesn't mean less than.

‐ No. My name is Isadora Grossman‐Levine.

Izzy, for short.

‐ Wait. You lied about your name?

‐ I lied...

for my life.

It was the spring of my junior year,

and I was abroad in the British Big Apple,
London,

when I met Damien.

It was a whirlwind romance,

but when the semester ended,
I was ready to leave it behind.

Damien became obsessive.

He followed me back to America

and showed up at my doorstep.

He was tortured by his love for me.

And we were afraid he might try
to hurt us both,

like in Romeo and Juliet.

But not the original.
The remake with Leo in it‐‐

‐ Bring it back.
‐ The only thing I could do was disappear.

Change my name.

Damien went crazy trying to find me
over the years,

but I just got word from my lawyer.

He finally did it.

‐ He killed himself?
‐ No, he moved to Tampa.

And got eaten by a giant alligator.

As much as I mourn for him...

I am finally able to tell my story.

And reveal who I really am.

Isadora Grossman‐Levine...

the first.

‐ That is...

So fucking cool.

‐ No guy has every considered
murder‐suicide‐ing me.

I'm basically disgusting.

I'm getting another bottle.

Izzy, you have to tell us more
about abroad.

‐ Okay.

Mm.

Mm.

Ugh. Without a chaser,
you can really taste the potato.

‐ Oh. Hey, why would I care
that I end up on a random fishing boat

going thousands of miles away?

Embrace the chaos.

That's all anyone ever expects of me.

You, my mom, the whole world.
Why fight it?

‐ No, no, no. I don't think that at all.
I was just trying to show...

that I can be fun.

Not that you can't not be fun.

I'm too drunk to explain this correctly.

‐ Yeah, we are who we are, Jules.

So fuck it.

We may as well make the most of it.

Frans.

I take back what I said.

I will marry you.

‐ Ugh. I will not be a buzzkill,
I will not be a buzzkill.

I will not be a buzzkill.
I will not be a buzzkill.

‐ Come with me.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
even though you're no fun,

have never been fun, and never will be?

‐ Jules Wiley, you are charged
with murdering the buzz

in the first degree. How do you plead?

‐ I didn't do it! I'm not a buzzkill!

‐ Counsel,

control your witness.

‐ The buzz is dead, your honor.

The only question now is...

who did it.

The coroner put the approximate
time of death

between 12:06 and 12:17
in the morning.

Ms. Wiley, can you confirm for us
where you were at that time?

‐ I've been on the boat.
I've been drinking. I'm being fun.

‐ Let the record show that Ms. Wiley

has been holding the same full beer

for the better part of an hour.

Objection!
Overruled.

‐ Judge, I'd like to enter into the record

exhibit 2A.

‐ June 22, 2019.

Ms. Wiley turned the lights on

in the middle of a house party.

‐ That was an accident.
I was just trying to find my keys.

‐ So you could leave the party early,
Ms. Wiley?

What we have here,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

is a pattern of behavior.

Vibes ruined, blankets wetted.

This woman has, over the years,

harshed several mellows.

And I don't think the people can rest
until justice is served.

‐ You don't understand!
I didn't want to kill the buzz.

I was trying not to!

Things were just getting out of control.

They had to be stopped.
They had to be stopped.

They had to be... stop!

I'm the lame one. I'm boring.
I'm a buzzkill.

And I am getting us out of here.

Hey, Siri?

What's Finnish for
"Turn the fuck around"?

‐ I am starving.

‐ Me, too.

All I've eaten today is half a glow stick
and that Sour Patch Kid.

Oh, you know what sounds
really good right now?

Pancakes.
‐ Oh, God!

‐ These are good plain.

‐ I tried to be as fun as you
for one night.

And I almost got us shipped off to Alaska.

‐ Who says Alaska's not fun?

I think the two of us could have
started something really beautiful there.

‐ Don't you mean the three of us?

‐ Oh, yeah. You, me, and Frans.

But don't sell yourself short.
Gideon was totally into you.

‐ I just wanted to come through for you.

‐ You did.

Something like this was actually
exactly what I wanted.

‐ Something like pancakes?

‐ Mm, something regular. And by regular,

I don't mean boring. I mean real.

‐ Well, these jackets for real
smell like tuna.

‐ Are you kidding?
I'm gonna wear this thing all the time.

I mean, you and Madison
have your Aruba T‐shirts.

Now you and I have something.

‐ So, business school?

‐ Yeah. I don't know, I mean,

I think there's a version of
settled‐down me I'm interested in meeting.

Like maybe one day
I might want to run a nonprofit.

You know you even have to go to school

to not make companies money?

It's very backward.
Yeah.

‐ Where have you been?
I was freaking out.

I texted both of you last night
and neither of you responded,

so I've been tracking your location,

and you've been in the middle of
the fucking ocean for the last six hours!

‐ Yeah, it was an eventful evening.

‐ Us, too. My fake stalker boyfriend died.

‐ Yeah. We can call her Izzy now.

I know he never existed,

but, like, I just can't believe he's gone.

‐ Oh, God, what is that smell?

‐ I think my jacket.
‐ Oh, God!

- Do you guys want‐‐
- It's us.

Oh, God!

- Yeah.
- Oh, God. I need some coffee.