Dollface (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Homebody - full transcript

Enter your goal.

‐ My goal.

How about... 100 steps?

‐ If you have recently been dumped,
please enter a more challenging goal.

‐ Okay. Uh, 200 steps.

‐ This is why no one loves you.
Enter your goal.

‐ Fine, 350 steps.
Are you satisfied? Are you?

‐ Begin workout.

‐ All right.

Clean break, new me.

This is good.



‐ Workout paused.
Increase pace to continue.

‐ Seriously?

‐ Resume workout.

Workout paused.

Feel inferior to continue.
‐ Wait, what?

‐ Let's go, girls.
Last one to spin class buys kombucha.

‐ On your left!

‐ Disguise tears as face sweat
to continue.

‐ I'm not crying.

‐ Hit rock bottom to continue.

Distance traveled: 0.3 flights.

Calories burned:

seven.

Workout complete.



Yaaaaa!
‐ Hey, Dollface.

‐ Jesus, you scared me.
‐ You don't look so good.

Did you order
from that Indian restaurant again?

‐ No, I didn't order
from that Indian restaurant again.

‐ You know, after last time,
we decided you have to get extra mild.

‐ I went for a run.

‐ Like intentionally?

‐ Okay, what are you doing here?

I thought you were gonna stay
at your sister's while I look for a place.

‐ It's Sunday, Juju.

I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

‐ Do you mean that?

‐ Of course.
Ramona doesn't have DirecTV,

and this is the only place I can watch
NFL Sunday Ticket.

‐ Football.

You're here 'cause of football.

‐ Yeah, well, I lost fantasy this week

so I kinda have to host the league.

Um... I know you normally
like to watch with us,

but, you know, the guys all heard
what happened, so...

I just don't want you to have to deal
with that by... by being here.

‐ Actually, you know what,
that is perfect for me

because I have a bunch of plans
for the day anyway.

Lots of stuff.

‐ A morning jog and then a puzzle,
you're just like my dad.

‐ Your dad who is a cost‐accountant
and is 66 and is a man?

‐ Don't take it like that. I love my dad.

‐ Good. Good for you.

‐ Time to go somewhere.

I'm a person,
people go to places and do things.

That's normal.

Those are nouns.

‐ C'mon, sweetheart, move it along.

‐ Uh, to where?
‐ Well, where are you trying to go?

‐ I don't know.
I'm just kinda driving around.

I have nowhere to be.
You made it.

Welcome to Nowhere to Be.

‐ Sorry, I didn't plan
on making plans today.

My boyfriend dumped me
and I have no idea what to do with my day,

or my apartment, or my entire life.

‐ If only there were a group
of people specifically designed

for hanging out with
and going to for advice.

‐ No. I can't just call her.

I mean, the way we left things...
I have no clue where we stand.

‐ Oops. It's ringing. Eeeee!
‐ Oh, man.

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey. Um...

So... I had a good time the other night.

Yeah, me too.

It ended up being fun.

‐ Cool.

Yeah, so, um...

I know we had all that time apart,

but then we had that night and I guess
I'm just kind of wondering,

um... what are we?

‐ Are you trying to define
the relationship right now?

‐ No... I mean, we can just keep things
casual, you know, if you want.

‐ Well, that's not what I want.

‐ I mean, are we friends?

Are we best friends?
Was that a one‐time thing for you?

‐ You know I'm not that kind of girl.

‐ Well, can I see you again?

‐ Yeah.

Stella's picking me up.
You can meet us there.

‐ Really? Uh, great.
Wait, meet you where?

‐ Jules, it's Sunday morning.
Where do you think?

‐ Well, she didn't say
where they're going.

‐ Well, they're going where all good women
go on Sunday mornings.

Brunch.

‐ Whoo!

‐ Ladies, in the power
and the spirit of this Sunday,

do you feel free?

Yes!

‐ Do you feel gluten free?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an amen?

‐ Amen!

‐
‐ I'm just saying, my cousin's friend

took those gummy hair vitamins
and her baby was born with a full beard.

‐ Hey. Uh, sorry I'm late.
‐ Oh, no worries, girl.

‐ All good.

‐
‐ Thanks again for letting me crash.

‐ Hey, you're not crashing,
you were invited.

‐ Well, thanks again for inviting me.

‐ Well, thanks for coming.

Okay, fuck it, I can't take this.
Just tell us what's going on with Jeremy.

‐ Oh, thank God.

‐ Honestly, I thought that was going to be
the whole goddamn brunch.

‐ Well he's having his fantasy league over
and he actually kicked me out.

‐ Okay, pause.
You're still living there?

‐ Oh, I know, I know, I know.

And it's just temporary
until I find a new place.

Actually, I saw this guesthouse
on Craigslist

that I actually think
could be really great for me.

The post said "vintage furniture,
antique charm, accessible floorplan"‐‐

‐ No, you are not living
somewhere from Craigslist

because you will get murdered
and they'll make a podcast about it

and they'll want to interview me
and I hate podcast people.

‐ Babe, you need to shake up your life.

Okay? And instead of looking for a place,
have a travel moment.

Get yourself a map, put your finger
on the farthest place you can imagine,

and then throw out the map
and go to Costa Rica.

‐ So intentionally get lost in the jungle?
That's terrible advice.

‐ Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize
my advice was getting graded.

‐ You need to find an apartment
that's aspirational‐‐ a view, a gym...

something that says,
"I put the 'sexy' in 'sexcessful.'"

If "successful" was spelled differently.

‐ Oh sure, because all
rich successful people are happy.

Think about it, Madison.
Steve Jobs killed himself.

‐ Steve Jobs didn't kill himself.

‐ Okay, why are you always correcting me?

‐ Because you're consistently wrong.
‐

‐ Um, you know, this isn't something
I have to figure out today.

‐ Don't sweat it, Jules.
‐ Yeah, this has nothing to do with you.

‐ I mean, it is an argument about me
and I did directly cause it,

but, yeah, no worries.

Hey, where's the alcohol man?
‐ Yeah.

‐ Well, Jules, why don't you try a mimosa?

I mean, sure, the champagne
is more expensive,

but it's a quality of successful people
to invest in themselves.

‐ Or get a Bloody Mary.

It has qualities of
fun, happy, sexy people

who like to spice it up
every now and then.

‐ Oh yeah, basing your entire
life philosophy off Eat Pray Love

sounds spicy, Stell.

‐ Well, I can't wait
to read your memoir, Mads:

I Worked. Then I Died.

‐
Can I take your order?

‐ Oh, um...
I think I need a minute.

‐ Okay, the fact that I got you
this appointment is insane.

You know the Property Brothers?
This is their third cousin. By blood.

‐ I just hope choosing to take your advice
doesn't make Stella upset.

I just feel like aspirational
could be what I need right now.

‐ You made exactly the right decision.

Look, I love Stell, but she's been
bouncing from house‐sitting gig

to nannying job
to trip abroad since we graduated.

I mean, she's basically
a very well‐dressed homeless person.

‐ Ladies, welcome.
Who's ready to change their entire life?

‐ Um, me.

‐ This view is the only view
in the entire city

that offers visibility into the homes
of all 19 Kardashians,

plus, on a clear day...

Blac Chyna. Yeah.

This way.

Quick question.

This couch... custom?

Oh, yeah.
Oh! I knew it!

‐ Three words: Japanese snow monkeys.

‐ Could I have a few more words?

‐ For your trip abroad.

The snow monkeys in the Akaishi Mountains
will change your life.

‐ Jules, come look at this!

‐ One second, I'm just texting...
my mom.

‐ It's really cold there, but there's
a thermal wear sale at this spot I know.

I mean, the universe
is sending you a sign.

‐ Ma'am, you don't work here.

‐ You look amazing.

You're welcome.

Jules!
‐ Yep.

No, this is beautiful.

‐ Now, in addition to the amenities
in‐unit, the building features a gym,

two pools, a spa, a rec center,
an archery range,

an in‐house therapist, puppies you can
play with whenever you want to,

two coffee bars
with oat milk lattes on draft,

a baked crab handroll bar,
a recording studio,

an indoor ski mountain,

a meditation room made entirely
out of the wax of a Diptyque candle.

‐ Okay, I'm gonna just, um...
how much is this per month?

‐ Give you a moment.
‐ Thank you.

‐ No, no.

‐ Oh, this seems doable.
‐ Doable?

Doable as what? The gross domestic product
of a mid‐sized nation?

‐ Oh, you are being dramatic,

I'm sure you're doing fine at work.
What are you making?

Jules, wait, how is that even possible?
That's barely entry level.

I mean, have you never asked for a raise?

You've never asked for a raise?

‐ Okay, I'm sorry.
Listen, I just‐‐

I just find talking
to Celeste incredibly intimidating.

‐ Okay, that's it. Forget the apartment.

New piece of advice‐‐
you're sitting down with your boss today,

you are being strong,
assertive, and leaning the fuck in.

Okay, I will try. I'm sorry.
And that word.

Okay, under no circumstances
are you to apologize

for asking to be paid what you deserve.

No matter what:

do not say "sorry." Got it?

‐ Got it.

‐ Good.
‐ Got it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I said I'm sorry before.

I really appreciate you taking
the time to meet with me, Ms. Oslow.

‐ Oh please, call me Celeste.

I'm trying this new amphibian facial
for our summer skin care list.

It's unbelievably hydrating.

Willow?

Speaking of, your skin is luminous.
What are you using, placenta?

‐ Um...

soap, mostly.

Oh, and, uh, water.

Uh, I'd say water‐‐
soap, water‐‐ is like the whole routine.

‐ Huh, we haven't tried that yet.

‐ Habanero green juice?

‐ Oh, wow, thanks.
Oh, Jesus, okay.

‐ It's incredibly detoxifying.

‐ Mm‐hmm. Hm!

Ecch. Sorry. Nope...

Nope, not sorry.

That was a reasonable reaction
to pepper juice and I stand by it.

Um...

I'm Jules, by the way,
from the Web design team.

‐ Oh! I love putting a face
to a name around here.

Jules. Jules.

Jewels.

Emeralds. Garnets. Birthstones.

Birth. Nesting. Birds.

Robins. Blue Jays. Jay. Jules.

Got it.
‐ Right.

Anyway, the reason I wanted
to sit down with you was, uh...

No. We talked about this.

‐ Um... I've been here‐‐

‐ There's cilantro in this.
‐ ...for a few years.

‐ You know how I feel about cilantro.
‐ And, um...

‐ Soap.
‐ Um...

It's not feeling spicy enough.

‐ The simple fact is that I deserve‐‐

My God. Celeste, I am so s...

Eeeeh.

Um, that is to say,
this was generally regrettable...

by me.

‐ Um...

Hey, Stell.

‐ Oh, hey, lady.

‐ It's Monday.

‐ Is it?
‐ Yeah.

And we always get
our mani‐pedis on Fridays,

like we've been doing every other week
for the past two years. Together.

‐ Huh.

Well, I guess since I went today, I'll be
going every other Monday from now on.

By myself.

‐ This wouldn't happen to have anything
to do with us giving Jules advice

the other day at brunch, would it?

‐ No, of course not.

We're just two girls who want
the best for our friend

but totally respect
each other's differing opinions.

‐ I could not have said it better myself.

Anyhoo, uh, I hope
your pedicure is amazing.

‐ Oh, well, I hope your lunch
is incredible.

‐ I hope tonight feels like
your actual birthday.

Ow! Ha, ha, ha.

‐ Bye.

‐ Bye.
‐ Bye.

‐ Bye‐bye.
‐ Bye.

‐ Ta‐ta!

Hey, Jules.

‐ Stella, I think I'm ready
to leave the country now.

Oh. I already have four pairs
of long underwear on.

This feels like a lot.

‐ Do you know that most people
have never met a Japanese snow monkey?

Which makes me so sad.

Then I think about a Japanese snow monkey,
I feel happy again.

‐ I'm not feeling so great.

‐ Sweetie, I know you're worried
that Madison is gonna be upset

that you went with my idea
instead of hers.

‐ Oh, I meant all the layers,
but, yeah, I mean,

I just came back into Madison's life.

I don't know if a great first move

is to just ignore her advice
and disappear again.

‐ Madison spends
her entire salary on stuff.

It's times like these where you need
to ask yourself,

do you wanna buy the book
or do you wanna be the story?

‐ I wanna be wearing less tops.

‐ We just have one less parka to try on
'cause you don't wanna get to Mount Hotaka

and find out your last layer doesn't fit.

Scoot, scoot.

‐ How did the raise go?
Shatter that glass ceiling?

‐ No raise, but definite shattering.

How's it going in there?

‐ Um... it fits. I'm taking it off now.

Uh... Stella?

‐ Give me space, Josh.

‐ You've already tried that, Brendan.

If the mechanism is jammed,
reversing it's only gonna make it worse.

‐ Um... maybe we should just cut it off.

‐ Cut thermal fiber polar tech?

Good luck. Can't compromise
that material with a chainsaw.

‐ Stella, if I die, please don't let them
bury me in this parka.

‐ Hey, Jules, stay calm, okay?
Panic makes the body expand.

‐ All right, everyone stand back.
I'm an Eagle Scout.

‐ We all know you never got
your basketry badge, Brendan.

You guys, please.

Okay? Bringing Brendan down
isn't gonna lift you up, Josh.

‐ I'm literally begging you
to get me out of this coat.

‐ All right, before I do,
I'm gonna need a credit card.

That's 395 plus tax.

‐ What? Are you shitting me?

‐ Oh, do you wanna sign up
for our rewards program?

It won't be 10% off this purchase,
but it will be 10% off‐‐

‐ Just get this off me!

Hey!

‐ I like this new thing we're doing
where I enter and you scream.

It's a fun dynamic for us.

Also, did you go on, like,
a really bad ski trip?

‐ What are you doing here?

‐ I don't know.
I just thought I would pop by.

‐ Jeremy.
‐ It's Monday Night Football?

‐ Okay, you've gotta give me a heads‐up
if you're coming over here.

‐ Jules, c'mon,
it's nothing I haven't seen before.

I'm happy to get naked, too,
if that'll make you more comfortable.

‐ Thank you, no. No naked‐‐
naked stuff is done now,

now that you've... unsubscribed.

Look, I get that this is your place,
but you did say I could stay here

till I figured out my next move,
so if that's the case,

there have to be some boundaries.

‐ Okay, I'm sorry. It's just...
I'm driving Ramona crazy. Okay?

‐ Well, I mean, if her coffee table
looks anything like ours,

I could see why.
It's called a Clorox wipe.

‐ She's a total bridezilla basket‐case
with the wedding coming up.

I mean, you know her.

Can I please just stay on the couch
until you leave?

‐ This? Here?

Well... Isn't that gonna be a little,
um...

weird?

‐ Not at all. I mean,
I'm sure you're close to finding a place

and until then we're both mature adults.
It'll be like we're roommates.

You know, just totally platonic roommates.

See you later, roomie.

Hey, Juju, did I leave my phone in there?

‐ Yes.

Yes, you did.

Jules, listen, on my
yoga teacher's honeymoon in Thailand,

her and her husband
accidentally killed a baby elephant

with their Jeep convertible.

‐ Oh God, why would you tell me that?

‐ I was trying to think of something

that was almost as bad
as your meeting with Celeste.

I'm making you feel better.

‐ Thanks.

I had temporarily suspended
being upset about the Celeste thing

so I could be upset that my ex‐boyfriend
wants to be "platonic roommates."

‐ He cannot treat you like that.

You should dump him.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ He dumped me a week ago.

‐ See? Look at you
sticking up for yourself.

And we have salad.
See you out there.

‐ I'll catch up with you guys.

Um... We haven't gotten
to talk one‐on‐one yet since I told you...

my shame.

‐ Yeah, sorry, Alis‐‐ Eh...

Izzy.

It's just been a really long week.

‐ Kind of makes you want
to change your name

and live under
a totally different identity, right?

I'm just kidding, don't do that.
It's actually really hard.

‐ I have to move out
of my ex's place,

but when I went
to my girlfriends for advice,

they disagreed and it caused
this huge war between them.

‐ Well, consider me the United Nations

because I'm here to bring
international peace.

And also because
people don't take me seriously.

But, for realsies, I have an extra bedroom
and you can totally stay with me.

Like a trial run.

‐ Really? That might be perfect.

I wouldn't have to pick anyone's advice
if I got a roommate.

‐ Motion approved.

That's a Model U. N. thing.

So this is it.

Welcome to Chez Izz.

Also my bat mitzvah theme.

It was basically "A Night in Paris,"
very classy.

And, yes, I will show you
the DVD in bed later.

‐ It's great.

Do you think it'd be okay
if I just grabbed a shower?

I really need to wash this day off me.

‐ Oh, my God, of course.
Just right down the hall.

All the towels in there are clean.
I just did laundry.

Domestic. Wife material.

Marry me, someone, anyone.

Pretty good water pressure, right?

‐ Oh, um...
I thought I closed the door.

‐ Oh, did you want it closed?
I'm so sorry.

I'm making you a post‐rinse face mask.

Okay, this is amazing.
We're basically like the Olsen twins,

and, um, before you say anything,

it is very important to me
that I be Ashley.

‐ Ooh. Izzy, is this supposed to tingle?

‐ Yeah, it's activated charcoal,
that means it's working.

Hi, popular.
Do you want me to check it?

‐ Oh, no, no, that's okay.
‐ Madison's texting you.

‐ I was being totally reasonable
the other day at brunch, right?

‐ Oooh, what brunch?

‐ Oh, when her and Stella were fighting?

‐ "When you and Stella were fighting?"
Send.

‐ Wait, send? What do you mean, send?

‐ We weren't fighting!
Did she say we were fighting?

Tell me what she said.
‐ Hey, J, has Madison texted you about me?

‐ Is that Stella?
‐ What should I say back?

‐ I just felt like she was kind of harsh
at brunch, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm a person,
I'm allowed to have my feelings hurt.

‐ I don't know what to say,
shouldn't she be telling this to Madison?

‐ Good idea. Send.

‐ Wait, send? Wh‐what send?

‐ Harsh? She thinks I'm being harsh?

‐ Did you just say something to Madison?

She just asked me to return
a pair of kitten heels

I borrowed from her
like six years ago.

‐ Izzy, what did you do?
Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, my God, ow!
Blind, stinging, it is multiplying.

‐ Don't worry, I just sent Madison
the screen shot of what Stella told you.

‐ You did what?

No, no, Izzy, I... I just meant that they
should be working this out directly.

‐ Oh, okay. Send.

‐ Why the fuck did you just put
the three of us in a group text?

‐ I'm confused, what does
martini emoji, tree emoji mean?

‐ Izzy!
‐ No, no, no.

Olive... branch.

Get it?
We're, like, such peacemakers.

‐ Oh, my God.

‐ Um, hello?
‐ What's going on?

‐ Jules!
‐ Jules?

‐ Jules?
‐ Give me my phone!

Oh, God!

‐ Hey, do you know where
the Apple TV remote is?

Never mind, found it.

‐ It's just a strained ankle. You'll live.

Let me go grab you some crutches.

‐ Thank you.

‐ I feel like this is my fault.

I'm gonna find you a mask.

The last thing you need
on top of this sprain is bird flu.

‐ Izzy, it's okay.

I just don't understand
how I got seen so quickly.

There's like a hundred people
in that waiting room

and one of them's holding
their own finger.

‐ Jules, that was not his finger.

‐ Look, it's not a big deal.
I know someone at the hospital.

‐ Know someone or paid someone?

‐ Okay, let's not start this again
right now.

‐ What? She wants me to stop,
she'll just slip me a twenty.

‐ Really?
‐ Stella, that's not fair.

‐ Thank you.
‐ But if you did pay someone off,

I will pay you back,
probably in instalments

'cause I don't know how much bribes cost.

‐ I didn't pay anyone off, okay?
I'm dating someone.

I'm dating someone who works here.

‐ Wait. You're dating someone?
‐ Who?

‐ One of my mom's doctors.

When she was sick, we got close
and, I don't know, it just happened.

‐ Why didn't you tell us?

‐ Because it's new and complicated
and sometimes you don't want your friends

weighing in with all their opinions,

especially when you've got
a gut feeling about something.

‐ A gut feeling?
Yeah.

‐ I had a gut feeling
about where I should live

and you told me
I was gonna get murdered.

And you tried to ship me
to a monkey tundra,

and you sat in the bathroom
while I showered,

and, I'm sorry, but I really don't
think you're well‐suited for a roommate.

‐ If I'm not well‐suited for a roommate,

then why have I had eight
in the last three months?

‐ God, you know what?
This isn't any of your faults.

This is my fault.
This is what's wrong with me.

Other people know how to run their lives
and take advice and have friends

and for some reason, I can't.

‐ Jules‐‐
‐ I can't ask for a raise,

I can't group text,
I can't even go to a goddamn brunch

without ruining things to the point
that makes you two hate each other.

No wonder I hid away with Jeremy
for so many years.

I'm never gonna figure out how to do this.

I need to just accept that we'd all be
better off if I was completely alone.

Oww!

Aah! I hope that needle was clean.
Do you think it was?

‐ Whoa, babe,
is that really what you think?

‐ No one would be better off that way.
And we don't hate each other.

That's insane. We fight like this
because we love each other.

I'm actually scary nice
to the people I hate.

‐ Here's your crutches.
‐ Thank you so very much.

‐ Like that woman should be terrified.
We're fine.

We're going for a fro‐yo after this
and all will be forgiven.

‐ Exactly. And in terms of you
being alone, it's not happening.

We are not going anywhere.

‐ Okay, well, if you're really not
going anywhere,

then I can just be honest.

I don't want an aspirational apartment
and I don't want to travel.

I think I just want to live
in that place from Craigslist

and figure this out for myself.

‐ Yes, girl. Ask for advice, then do what
you were gonna do the whole time anyways.

‐ Congratulations,
you're officially a human girl.

Ooh, how about this?

Do you want some "Oxycontin"?

I feel like this drawer should be locked.

‐ So when the ad said,
"vintage furniture and antique charm"?

‐ Yep, all these antiques belonged
to Nana right until the day she died.

Right on that couch.

‐ Ohh!
‐ Now that she's gone,

we're just looking for a renter.

The guest house has its own entrance
so you'll be totally independent.

Speaking of independent,

Nana's bathroom set‐up is perfect
for someone in your condition.

‐ Oh.

"Accessible floorplan." Yeah.
Well, that makes sense now.

‐ She's yours today if you want her.
You ready to be out of your old place?

‐ The tchotchkes are fun.

‐ Yeah, no, I know this place has
some unexpected charm, but it's mine.

‐ Well, I personally love it.

‐ We're really proud of you.

‐ Yeah. Totally get you don't need
our help.

‐ Okay, fine.

‐ Okay, the wallpaper has got to go...
‐

‐ Look at termite...