Dogs in Space (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

♪ Dig this
We're the last hope of the human race ♪

♪ Embark on a journey ♪

♪ Into outer space ♪

♪ Blast off, there's no going back
We're on our way ♪

♪ Dogs in Space! ♪

♪ Woo! ♪

♪ Dogs in Space! ♪

Hmm, come on, Kira.

You're the dog
who survived years on a hostile planet,

bites your enemies in two,
and stared death in the face so many times

that even death was like,
"Stop staring at me!"

So you can definitely handle brunch.


We were just talking about

what we're going to do today
with our new best friend.

That's you.

That's the menu.

I knew that.

Since Captain Garbage is suspended,

we're not allowed to go on
any more missions. It's terrible.

Yeah, you seem really broken up about it.

I'm just not used to being calm.

So, come on!
What do you want to do first?

Go get ice cream,
play holographic ping-pong...


There isn't a karaoke bar
on the ship, Nomi.

Anywhere can be a karaoke bar
if you have no sense of...


Sure. I'm only here till my arm heals.

I'm happy to just blend in.

Oh, wow!

It's the wild dog they found
on that planet.

So, what do you want to eat?

They have crab cakes, knishes, BLTs...


We have those on my planet.

Bloody left-over tails, right?

Or there's nachos.

Okay, I can't lip-read,
but I'm almost positive they're saying

I'm the greatest Captain they've ever had.

Is this restriction collar
really necessary, Penelope?

Well, are you going to run off
on another unauthorized mission?

Hard to say.

Then yes, it's necessary.

I don't need Captain retraining.

I've got it all: charisma, my uniform,

good looks.

That's very far from "it all."

In my training, we focus on
three key core leadership qualities:

strategy, insight, focus.

Oh, I have plenty of fo...
What's that over there?

Oh! Those are the dog show
trophies I won back on Earth.

I entered a dog show once,

by which I mean I ran into the middle
of one and ate four ribbons.

I got a dishonorable mention.

I won those medals
through these key qualities.

That is what I mean to instill in you.

Instill what?

This first scenario

will test your ability to strategize.

The beast cannot be defeated
by brute force.

You must identify its weaknesses...

- and concoct a...
- To the rescue!


Oh, that was needlessly graphic.

Okay, moving on to the next scenario.

Testing your ability
to learn and use insight.

Your crew is being held hostage
in a chemical laboratory.

You must identify and avoid
the volatile chemicals in...

Hero time!

Let's move on to the focus section.

You're on a TV baking show.

How did that one end in an explosion?

Flour is surprisingly flammable.

Welcome to the arcade.

It's the greatest place ever.


The closest thing I had to entertainment
on my planet was watching my wounds heal.

Oh, that's, um, disturbing.

Well, here we've got everything.

Your robot fighting games...

...dancing games...

But they all suck compared to this.

Earth Defender 6,000:

a terrifyingly realistic game
where you shoot ray guns at aliens.


Nomi, that's literally
what we do every day.

I know but this one has a cool theme song.

Come on, Kira!

Wow, that's 27 consecutive scenarios
ending in an explosion.

I call them victory booms!

I was really hoping
it wouldn't come to this, Garbage.

Computer, run Scenario Zero.

Uh, I think you've installed
the wrong scenario.

This is a dog beauty pageant.

A dog show, but not just any dog show.

It's the Wisconsin State finals,
Northwest region.

This will be a piece of cake,

except unlike that last piece of cake,

this one won't explode.


Have you identified which route will get
you through the obstacle course quickest?

Uh, I'm getting to that!
Thank you, aggressive floating head!

Insight: why am I making you do this?

I don't know!

Focus. Don't get distracted by the food.

What food?

Those boos are really hurtful.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Die, alien scum! Die!

What do I do? Can I kick 'em?

Use the grenade! The grenade!

- Did we win?
- You have done it!

You have saved the people of Earth!

Good dog!

Let's go again!

Nomi, maybe that's enough for now.

I don't...
I don't think Kira's used to VR.

Best way to get used to it
is to keep playing!

There she is again.

- Don't point.
- I'm a pointer. This is all I do.

You have done it!
You have done it!

Good dog! Good dog!

Whoa, whoa! I got you. Come on.

I know somewhere a bit more relaxing.


Being a captain requires intense focus.



What do you want from me?

I'm literally jumping through hoops
for you people!

Captain Garbage, with that performance,
you wouldn't win the Wisconsin finals.

Heck, you wouldn't even make Reno!

I don't know what that means,
but it sounds harsh!

Sorry about the arcade.

Nomi can be a little intense at times.

Loyalty to humanity is why your species
was chosen for this crucial mission.

Hey, Kira, are you coming?

This is more like it.

No anxiety-inducing missions,

no extremely scary new dogs.

Here we are. The M-Bark Spa.

Loaf's been attacked
by some kind of acanthoscurria geniculata!

- We gotta help him!
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

We've got a popper, puppies!

This is not a drill!

Now I'm never gonna be allowed back here,
am I?

Absolutely not!


Just trying out my new foliage disguise.

Clearly, relaxing is not your thing.


Hard to relax around plants
where I come from.

Hmm. Fair enough. Follow me.

I know somewhere that might be
a bit more to your taste.

Apres vous.

- Welcome to The Hydrant.
- Whoa!

You wanna get in touch
with your animal side, you come here.

Hey, Jerry! Save some for the rest of us!

Ripping socks.

I remember this!

Hey! I clearly marked that!

We've all marked it!

Dog fight!

Hey, let's get you to Sick Bay.

We can get our story straight on the way.

How did I do?

Well, you were so objectively terrible

that you made a simulated audience cry.

So, B-minus?

With these scores, I cannot allow you
to return as captain of the Pluto.

You're confined to the M-Bark
till further notice.


But I'm Captain Garbage.

Without the "Captain," I'm just...


There you go. All done.



while you're here,

I wouldn't mind running a few tests
on your genetic makeup.

What's wrong with my genetic makeup?

Humans greatly improved
the genetic enhancement tech

since you were sent into space.

We use it to get dogs
back to normal when...

Things like that happen.

Tactical Officer Luke
requesting use of the pod, Doc.

It looks like he's more
of a ten-tactical officer.

I am in a huge amount of pain.

If you go in after him, Kira,

we can get you up to speed
with all the other dogs on the ship.

Oh, so I can only fit in here
if I change my DNA? Is that it?

What? No, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.

It's just that we can upgrade
your enhancement to be more like us?

How much of my dog self
do I have to give up

before I'm enough for all of you?

Oh, no!

Hey, Chonies, do you have some sort of
collar remover in here or...

Is that Luke?


Hey, do you think we can talk this over?

- Captain!
- Chonies!

Any tech we can use?

Here, Captain! Catch!

Argh! Come on, Kira!
Let's take this mutant down!

I can't help you.

What do you mean?

Everything I've done on this ship,
I've screwed up.

I don't want to make things worse.


Kira! I know the M-Bark must be
super weird after all the time alone!

But taking down weird monsters?
That's your thing!

You literally eat guys like him
for breakfast!



We need to get him back into the machine.
I'll distract him!

Yo! Luke!

Kira, now!

Chonies, start the machine!

Well, that was traumatic.

Told you. You got skills.

So Chonies, about that collar remover...


Have you been in there
watching the whole time?

What did you see? I can explain!

I was! From the safety of my desk.

And I saw you demonstrate the qualities
of a good Captain.



You and Kira clearly bring out
the best in each other.

I'm impressed.

You may resume command of the Pluto.


And I'm recommending to the Council
that Kira joins your crew.

I'm still not sure the M-Bark
is right for me, Garbage.

I'm sorry.

Kira said she's only staying
until her arm is healed.

I don't think she's ready
to call the M-Bark home.

Wait, that's it!

We've got one last thing
we want to show you.

It's the best place on the whole M-Bark!

Nomi, I'm not really
in the mood for karaoke.


It's my home.

Yeah, we figured you needed somewhere
that was a bit more you.

I love it!

Do you love it enough to stay?


At least for now.

Woo-hoo! Bring it in, everyone!

Uh, I gotta go. Maybe next time.

She'll come around.