Doctor Who (1963–1989): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Smugglers: Episode 2 - full transcript

Pike is convinced that the Doctor knows the location of Avery's treasure while Polly and Ben try to convince the locals they were not responsible for Longfoot's murder.

Sincro: wyxchari

Well, by thunder you'll talk to me or my name's not Samuel Pike.

I can tell you nothing, sir.

They talked, Captain. I saw 'em. Holy Joe whispered in his ear secret-like.

I do not know this Holy Joe that you keep referring to.

Holy Joe Longfoot, an old shipmate of ours. Blast his eyes.

The Churchwarden to you, Sawbones.

He was a member of your crew?

Him and me and Cherub was all mates together, serving under Avery.


Aye, Captain Avery. The sharpest skipper to ever sail out of Bristol port.

Aye, and one of the blackest. Morgan was a woman aside 'a him.

Of course, of course! Avery the pirate! Heh, heh! I should have known. Hmm, hmm.

Don't come the innocent with us, Sawbones. You know what Joe was hiding.

He took plunder that was rightfully ours, and we mean to get it back, and you may lay to that.

He died before he talked to me, but he told you something.

You're going to tell us, ain't ya. Eh?... Eh?

Ohh, let me make him talk, Captain.

Old man, are ye truly a Sawbones?

I would prefer you to use the correct term, sir. I am a doctor.

Well, Doctor, ye had best start using your cleverness. So talk, before I let Cherub have ye.

Let me show him first, Captain, eh? Let me give him a taste of Thomas Tickler.

He'd be a credit to your trade, would Cherub, Doctor. A... touch like an angel's wing he has with that blade.

Sharp as a whistle, it is. Ever seen a head with no ears, Sawbones, eh? Or what them Mexican Indians can do to a bloke's eyelids, eh?

You vicious fellow! Get him off my back!

Don't you talk to me like that. Oh, Captain, give me the word. Just give me one minute. I'll have the words spilling out of him like blubber from a whale.

Well, Doctor? Will ye loosen your tongue... or lose it altogether?

Awww, of all the bloomin' fixes to be in.

I don't know. I find it pretty exciting.

Oh, you would. But I don't go a bomb on this, and I can't very well report back to a Seventeenth Century navy.

Ah, you've got no imagination, that's your trouble. It's great!

Ohh, great. Stuck in jail for murder.

Oh, honest. Who'd have our luck?

The point is, how on earth are we gonna get out of here? There must be some way.

Well, there better be. I'm not gonna swing for that old nut case at the church.



Look in the corner! It's a rat!

Oh, shut up screaming. You big baby. Be quiet.

Oh nooo. I can't bear them. Oh, please do something about it. Oh no. I hate...

What you screaming for?

Oh, nothing, We're just happy, mate, that's all.

What's your name? Didn't we see you at the inn?

Name's Tom. I've been put in charge of you prisoners. I've got the keys. But I'm not to speak with you murderers.

But we didn't kill him.

Only a stranger'd kill the Churchwarden. You're strangers.

But we're not the only ones. What about the geezers who kidnapped the Doctor?

No one else has seen them.

But they were there. How else do you suppose the Doctor would disappear?

Aww, the daft nit. What'd he think it was, magic?

Ben, that's it!

Aye? What is?

In the Seventeenth Century they were terribly superstitious. They still believed in witches.

So what you gonna do, fly out of here on a broomstick?

No, but I think I've got a plan. Now wait, look. If we get this st... Oh no, the rat's in the corner! You get me some straw, will you please?

If I am to reveal something of what I know, then I demand consideration, sir.

Don't listen to him, Captain. There's trickery afoot.

Oh, I find your friend rather a bore, but you... I think a gentleman. So let us talk like gentlemen. Hmm, hmm?


What makes you think I like gentlemen, eh?

Well, it's quite obvious to the perceptive eye, sir. Your dress, your manner, your tastes. Yes, you're the type of man that has raised himself to an exalted position... unaided. Hmm, hmm.

Aye, with this to help me.

Ohh, quite so, quite so. But you I... are neither a barbarian, or a savage. I can see that.

Oh, quite right! He...

Cherub, you've got a funny sense of humor.

Uh... aye Captain.

Well, Doctor, you talk sweet. But don't toy with me or you'll rue it.

My dear sir, I'm sure you can quickly see through any flattery of mine.

Aye, indeed I could.

So let us talk like men of the world. Be elegant, and with dignity...

Talk away?

Eh, he, heh. May I sit down?

Beware his tongue, Captain.

Make way for the Doctor, ye swab.

Thank you, my man.

Cherub, I'm entertaining a guest, and you ain't being very polite.

But he's a snake, Captain.

One more word out of you and I'll slit your gizzard, right?... Now, let us talk together like gentlemen. Eh, Doctor?

Thank you, no. That would indeed be pleasant.

Wine, Cherub, to help the Doctor talk more freely.

Ahh, one thing more before, eh, we go on any further.


Eh, now that we understand each other, I think it would only be fair that if I impart the information you require, I should receive some... small reward. Hmm?

Aye. You'll get your reward, never fear.

In fact, a share?

A share?

Yes, indeed, yes. After all my dear Captain... thank you... there is quite enough to go round, is there not?

For them that deserves it. Aye, well...

Well, here's to a better acquaintance. Mmm. Oh, yes indeed. Yes, a very fine old Madeira. Yes. Indicative of, of your general taste, sir, if I may say so.

Aye... ye may say so... Now tell us what we want to know!


Captain! Boat to leeward.

Coming up on the sly, is she?

Gi' us a shout, all friendly.

We got no friends hereabouts.

Aye. Cherub, ask them to kindly step aboard a while.

What then, Captain?

If it's a... revenue man, you can have him.

And just in case they're friends of yours, Doctor... Jamaica?


Take my guest to the galley. Give him food and wine. He's precious.

Aye, Captain.


Here goes.


Tom! Thomas me ol' mate. Tom! Come quick! Tom! Quick!

Ohh, what's your noise for now?

Tom... can you see Poll... ah, Paul there?


Well quick Tom, open the door. Come in and help me.

Quick, Tom, open the door!

What's that? What's he doing?

You see Paul, Tom. Well he's the gibbet.


He's been took over, Tom... by the spirit of his master.

No... Such things ain't to be seen by human souls.

His master, Tom, the bloke what was kidnapped... he's a warlock.

A warlock! Heaven save us!

Well, not us, Tom... YOU!


Yeah, the Doctor's a wizard, no less, Tom. And us two are his apprentices.

Y... you got the power.

We have, Tom, from our master. Now, you see the gibbet? You see that fellow what's swinging here?

That's a doll. Just a straw doll.

Ah, sure mate. But it's more than that... cause it's got a soul. Someone else's soul!


It's our master, Tom! He's captured the soul of someone he holds responsible for us being here, and he's gonna do him in!

Well it ain't me. I ain't but lookin after ye.

But there's one hair from your head inside that doll, Tom.


Can you feel yourself swinging?

Oooh. It ain't my fault! It were the Squire that ordered it...

It's too late, Tom! It's you there swinging! And in a minute that doll's gonna fall. And when it does...

Oh, sir, save me! Save me! I swear it weren't my doing!

Is that the truth, Tom?

Oh, sir, it is. It is. Save me! Save me!

Tom, there is a way.

Tell me, sir. I... I'd do anything.

The spell can only work if we're held prisoners. Now, if we were free...

But... but sir, I gave my word to master Kewper...

Quick, Tom, before your doll falls. Your time's up this minute! Quick!

Oh sir, I'll do it! I'll do it! Wait a minute! Somehow I'll free you! Oh sir... Have pity! Have mercy!

Well done, Tom.

We'll put a good word in for you, mate.

Sir, am I safe now?

Take this, Tom. While you hold it my master will know you and nothing will happen...

Come on, Polly! See you sometime, old son. Hey, and remember... from now on you're one of us. Come on, this way.

Ben, where on earth do we go from here?

Well not the inn, that's for sure.

I haven't got the faintest idea where the Doctor is.

I know! We'll try the old church!

Yes, that should be safe enough.

We might pick up some kind of clue there.

And maybe find out who really killed the Churchwarden.

Yeah. Come on, down here.

And just who's this we have the pleasure of welcoming aboard, eh?

Jacob Kewper's the name. Innkeeper come to talk business.

Ohh. And how would you know of our business, eh matey?

It's more in the manner of putting business in your way.

And what would an innkeeper want with honest sailors?

Ahh no, master. That would be your skipper's ear... if he'll but listen, eh?

Sounds like he might be interested.

It'll be worth his while.

Come below, matey. But belay any tricks, eh, Master Kewper?


A visitor, Captain, who says he'd talk of business.


Aye, business to interest a merchant like yourself, sir, to our mutual benefit.


Brandy... silks perhaps? Or should I call it... merchandise?

Sounds dishonest, Captain.

Aye, it does, by Morgan's beard.

The only man who would call such business dishonest would be a revenue man!

Master innkeeper, I keep a law-abiding ship here. And a clean one!

There is nobody who doubts that, Captain.

And I'll have the ears of any man who thinks he'll land me before a judge.

Oh, Heaven preserve us.

But I'm willing to do business with any swab I can trust and who trusts me.

Trust! Aye, if there's... smuggling to be done.

So that's your business. I'd know more of this before I drop anchor here, so talk up, man.

And I'll not give details until we shake hands on it. But, I tell you, we are well supported.

I'd not prejudice my good name.

Would you throw in your lot with the Squire, and the Churchwarden, eh?

Maybe... but not with scum like you!

What trick's this?!

The choicest apple, top of the barrel, Innkeeper? I've a mind to have word with this Squire of yours.

I speaks for him! You'll do no business without me!

Better for you if he does, matey. Else there'll be another corpse put ashore with Joe Longfoot, eh Cherub?

Indeed, Captain.

Longfoot? The Churchwarden! You killed him! What for?

Because he crossed me, that's why. And nobody who crosses Pike lives to tell the tale.

You're Captain Pike?

Jamaica! There's more to this than we reckoned, eh Cherub?

Indeed there is, Captain.


Fetch the Doctor, Jamaica.

Yes, sir!

Why should you come here?

Your tongue is nigh as long as your ears, Innkeep. Careful we don't cut them both short for ya. We're going ashore, Cherub.

Ahh, what about the old Sawbones, Captain?

When we come back. Then in time...

You and the Sawbones... both guests of mine till I return. Treat them well and kindly, Jamaica. But if there's any funny business, why... use this on them.

Sure, Captain.

Well, there's not much down here.

There's nothing up in the vestry, and we searched that thoroughly enough.

You know, the old boy must have been bumped off pretty soon after we left.

Ben, perhaps the murderer was hiding down here all the time!

Yeah, could be.


Maybe he kept his money box down here, or something?

What? Oh, yes. He did look like a bit of a Scrooge, didn't he?

Well, he was dead scared of something, I know that.

Yeah, almost as though he was even expecting something to happen!


Hey Polly!

What? Where are you?

Listen, maybe the murderer will come back to the scene of the crime!

Oh no!

Oh shut up, Ben. You are a fool.

Yeah, maybe you're right, Duchess. Early days for Sherlock Holmes, I suppose.

Yeah, well I'm not playing what's-his-name... Watson to you. Ooh, dear, I wish we knew where the Doctor was.

Yeah, and the TARDIS too. In fact if I know him, I bet he's back in it all comfy.

Do you think so? Well then we've jolly well got to find the TARDIS too.

Yeah, that's not such a bad idea. The beach wasn't far from here. Come on.

Ben, do you think that's the murderer?

I'm not stopping to find out. Tie him up first and ask questions after, love.

If this is the murderer then we're in the clear. And then if we tell the Squire, now he'll help us find the Doctor!

Oh, I'm not so sure. He was a bit thick-headed, that Squire. Too much like a petty officer for my liking.

Yeah, but we'll never find the Doctor without help. And only he can work the TARDIS.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I don't fancy getting stuck with this lot for good.

Listen, you stay here and guard him, and I'll go to the Squire and tell him we caught him, shall I?

Well, hadn't I better go?

No, I'll go. I don't like it down here.

OK. Oh, look, Polly. Don't tell him about that, eh!.

No alright. I don't suppose I'll be long.

But Polly, take care, love.

Well, what think ye, Cherub? Do I look presentable?

As a picture, Captain, but for that.

Yes, my little pike will hardly be welcome at the manor, eh?

Here lad, take care of that till I get back.

Ready there below!

All right mate. Let's hear what you've got to say for yourself.

Untie me at once, you rogue! Do you not know who I am?

You tell me.

I am Josiah Blake, the King's revenue officer.

Oh yeah? Prove it.

My word should be enough.

Well not for me it's not, mate.

Untie me this instant!

I'm sorry, old son, but I'm not taking any risks. You may be what you say, but then again you may not.

And who are you, sir? Pray, tell me that. Huh?

Well, I'm just a sailor. Only I got nabbed for the murder of the Churchwarden which I did not do. So as you turn up on the scene of the crime I reckon you're a good suspect.

I am here in the pursuance of my duty.

Oh? And what's that?

I'm after the smugglers, and I think I've found the route that they've been using.


That passageway.

Oh, sure, I suppose the Churchwarden's one of them.


Pull the other one, mate. It rings.

What say you?

Oh, forget it.

But this is so, I tell you, in truth! The Churchwarden was suspected.


I was hoping to confront the villain with the evidence of that passageway, but now that he's dead...

Ahh, you're stumped. You ain't got no proof.

No, proof aplenty. That tunnel leads through a series of caves down to the beach.

Down to the beach?!


You've just brought me good news, mate!

Hey! Where are you going?

Well, just for a look. Won't be long.

Hey, come back here! Stop in the King's name!

There's style, Cherub. Style!

Hmm, this would fetch a pretty penny.

Belay that, ye dolt. We are honest men, remember? Now, here is our plan: We'll find out all we need to know about these little villains...

Smugglers, heh!

...and we'll take their store, find Avery's treasure, and this into the bargain.

Ah, good morning gentlemen. Ha, ha, ha. Good morning to you. Will you take wine with me?

Nay, nay, sir Squire. We are come on a matter of business.

Business? So early in the day? What can be so urgent so early?

We were sent by a friend.


Jacob Kewper.

Kewper, eh? Then you must be...

Merchants, sir. Honest merchants.

By my favorite mare, that's witty! Business indeed!

The very word friend Kewper used himself, sir.


Aye. Where is the fellow. Should he not be handling this affair?

Aye, that he is, sir. He's back at the ship accounting our various merchandise.

Aye, such silks, such brandy and tobacco. Aye, Squire, indeed.

Oh, this is worthy of a toast, gentlemen. I insist you drink with me.

Brandy, eh? Silks and tobacco. Well, here's to a fine cargo and a gallant captain.

Here's to a good landfall and no tales told.

And so say I.

Forgive him, sir Squire. An honest fellow, but unused to the ways of gentlefolk.

Oh, no consequence, no consequence. Ah, ah, ah, pray, have you breakfasted?

Aye, but I would remind you, sir, we still have business in hand.

Ahh, yeah, indeed. Now, what would Kewper have me do?

Sir, he thought you might spare the time of day to explain such, eh, petty matters as must trouble us poor sailors.

Aye, where to land, where to leave the goods, and things.

Oh, as for delivery, 'tis at the church... on the clifftop.

Likely, eh?

Most suitable. But, ah, who will receive our goods, sir?

Ahhh, t'was to have been the Churchwarden, bur he's been most foully murdered by renegades.

Shame, such a holy-minded man!

But where are we to put our boat, sir?

Ah, now I think it best if we be all pre...

What?! Great Heavens! This is one of the very renegades who slew poor Longfoot! How did you escape? Well done, Birch.

Well done, nothing. I came here of my own free will, Squire.

Ehh, you may go, Birch.

I came here to tell you that we found... You! you're the one that kidnapped the Doctor!

Tell me about my friends.

Aye, it's bad news, sir.

Why, is there trouble?

Aye, they are taken for trial for the murder of the Churchwarden, which was done by Cherub, sir.

Oh, good gracious! We must escape from here and try and help them.

Aye, not only for the sake of your friends, sir, but for the sake of the whole village yonder.

But I don't understand you.

Pike is the bloodiest pirate now alive, sir. No one has ever seen that deadly hook and lived.

Oh, yes, I quite agree. A somewhat violent man. Hmm.

Why did he take you, sir?

Oh, because he thought that I held the secret of the treasure belonging to the deceased pirate, Avery.

Avery's gold!? Buried ashore!?

Oh, yes, he's determined to get it. Yes, yes, apparently... the Churchwarden knew something about it.

Then Pike'll have it, sir, or raze the village to the ground in the finding of it.

But the officers of the law?

D'oh, they'd be no match for Pike's men, sir. Once he's laid his plans, we and the village are lost. We... we must get back word to them, sir.

Yes, yes, I think I agree. Yes, eh, eh, well, bear with me, sir. I, ah, I have a plan.

Ehh, tell me, sir. Ah, you, ah, play cards? Hmm? Hmm, hmm.

I don't believe one word of this trumped-up story. Not a jot!

Such a sweet young face and yet so wicked.

It smacks of a trap, eh, Mister Cherub?

Indeed it does, Captain. Very dangerous.

But we are innocent and he took the Doctor.

I have none sick aboard. Wherefore should I need a sawbones?

I don't know but you took him. And I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't have a hand in the killing of the Churchwarden too!

Cease these vile untruths, boy! These gentlemen are goodly merchants. I vouch for them. You are a stranger here, as is your companion, and therefore not to be trusted.

But we haven't done anything!

A man is dead, boy.

We left him alive.

Oh. Then you did speak with him! There's a damning fact, indeed!

Out of the mouths of babes, eh?

Such acts of violence in one so young!

Aye, young people are not what they were once, not in our time, eh Mister Cherub?

Indeed not, Cap'n. Very wicked.

Now, who this poor fellow is you captured I know not.

Might he not be, ahh, one of our mutual friends, Squire?


A revenue officer.

Ohh! Aye, indeed, it could be so.

Then perhaps we should fall in with this young rouge's pot o' purpose.

Yes, recapture this villain's accomplice and let our man free.

That were best.

Squire, you're being a fool. These men are villains!

Ohh, come, come, lad. Do we look so black-hearted?

Time's short if we're to prepare.

Aye, we'll ride this very minute, and take our prize with us.

Squire, do you not think this lad should be restrained a little, just in case of misfortune?

Aye, I do. A happy thought, Captain.

Here is cord.

And here is silence.

What a turn-up for the books! You don't know what kind of good turn you done me, mate.

I do not share your joyous feelings, boy. Untie me, I say!

The passageway leads right down to the beach alright, to the very spot we've been looking for.

Hey boy, you one of these smuggling rogues after all?

No, of course not. But it leads right down to where the TARDIS is.

The TARDIS? What's that, a ship?

Well, sort of, but you wouldn't understand. Any way, it's there all ready for us to get away. If only I could tell the others, we could all escape!

Eh? Escape!?

Yes, escape!

Stand fast, I say there.

Polly... and you!

Recaptured again, eh boy? We'll have no more tricks this time.