Doctor Who (1963–1989): Season 3, Episode 7 - Small Prophet, Quick Return - full transcript

Well, father Zeus, where is this temple of yours?

Well, it should be about here somewhere, hmm!

It's rather hard to understand, these sandy
plains are so much alike, hmm!

Well, something has been here.

And someone, too.

For see, some several tracks lead up to Troy.

Lord Agamemnon, admit your fault

these men are spies!

So it would begin to seem.

Bring on the prisoner.

Well, father Zeus, you have but one chance
left to prove yourself.



Kill this Trojan spy.

Yes, fling a thunderbolt or some such, do.

Do rise to the occasion!

This sacrifice can only be performed
within the temple.

Which temple is in Troy, therefore would we release you?

Just so.

I for one have had enough!

Do not labour this point!

I am not Zeus, and this young man is a friend of mine.

Neither of us are Trojans, sir.

I care not who you are. Seize him!

It is enough that you have trifled with my credulity

and made me look a fool in front of all my captains.

Now, finish the business and be brief!



And do not bring their bodies back.

Let them rot here, so that they can be an example to their fellows.

Are you quite sure Vicki couldn't have
dematerialised the TARDIS?

Of course she couldn't - I told you last night!

First of all, mannikins - who are you?

I think you, er, had better tell him.

Yes, well this may take some time!

I will be patient.

But this time, if you value your lives,
do not lie to me!

Sound the trumpets!

Dismiss!

Silence!

Great Horse of Asia, is none of us to rest?

Who's there?

Paris, father, returned from patrol.

Well, what news?

Have you avenged your brother Hector?

Have you... have you killed Achilles?

I... sought Achilles, father

even to the Grecian lines

but he skulked within his tent.

He feared to face me.

Well go back and wait until he gets his courage up!

Upon my soul, what sort of brother are you?

Furthermore, what sort of son? What...

What is that you have got there?

Ah. A prize, father, captured from the Greeks.

Hmm, captured, you say?

I wager they were glad to see the back of it!

What is it?

What is it?
Well, it's er, it's, sort of, erm... a shrine, or so it seems.

And what, may I ask, do you propose to
do with this seeming shrine?

Well I had rather thought of, er,
putting it in the temple.

Ha! You're not putting that in my temple!

I should think not indeed, bringing back blessed shrines.

Go back and bring Achilles' body, if you want to do something useful!

Get back to the war!

And take that thing with you.

Oh, really!

If you... if you knew the weight of this

this, this... thing...

Father, if Cassandra doesn't want it

can't we just leave it where it is for the moment?

In the middle of the square?

Yes - I mean

it could be a sort of, er, a sort of a monument.

A monument to what?

Well, to my initiative, for instance.

After all, it is the first sizeable trophy we've captured since the war started.

Probably turn out to be very useful.

What sort of use would you suggest?

What sort of use! Well...

Don't quite know, actually.

But I mean, once we've examined it thoroughly

it'll probably prove to have all sorts of uses.

I'm quite sure - uses to the Greeks!

What do you mean?

Why do you imagine that they allowed you to capture it?

Allowed me? Allowed me?

Now you look here, Cassandra...

Where did you find it?

Where'd I find it?

Where d'you think - out there in the middle of the plain!

Unguarded, I suppose?

Yes, of course!

I... I mean, yes, it was... well...

Just as I thought.

Can't you see that you were meant to
bring it into Troy?

No, I can't see, quite frankly!

I think I'm beginning to see.

What are you two getting at?

You've broken my dreams.

The auguries were bad this morning

I woke full of foreboding.

Never knew her when she didn't!

Paris, your sister is High Priestess.

Let her speak.

All right, Cassandra

now what was this dream about?

Thank you.

I dreamed that out on the plain the Greeks had left a gift

and although what it was remained unclear,
we brought it into Troy.

Then at night, from out its belly, soldiers
came and fell upon us as we slept.

Yes, well I hardly think we need trouble to interpret that one!

Oh really, Cassan...

H... h... have you looked at this "thing", as you call it?

I mean, just how many soldiers do you think you can get inside that?

A whole regiment, perhaps?

I mean, you'd be very lucky to get even two
medium-sized soldiers out of that thing.

Fool! One soldier could unbar the gate and so admit an army!

It's exactly the sort of scheme Odysseus would think of.

Why don't we open the thing and see?

Yes, well that is rather the point.

You see, there... is a door, but

erm, it doesn't seem to open.

Just as I said - it's locked from the inside.

Oh, it is, is it? Stand aside.

Well, there you are, father.

Perhaps you'll believe me next time,
I suppose

Oh, Cassandra, perhaps you'd like to
care to have a try?

The thing need not be opened.

Bring branches, fire and sacrificial oil.

We'll make of it an offering to the gods of Troy!

And if there be some within, so much the greater gift!

So really, you see, we arrived in your time entirely by accident.

It's just another miscalculation by the Doctor.

Well, I would hardly call it a miscalculation, my boy.

Well then, what would you call it?

Well, I think with all eternity to choose from

I did rather well to get us back to Earth!

Oh, I'm very glad you're pleased with yourself.

I suppose I should be grateful for standing here...

trussed like a chicken

ready to have me throat cut!

No-one mentioned cutting throats.

No, they didn't.

I had... I had something more lingering in mind.

Yes, yes, I dare say.

I suppose some kind of, er, ritual death, I presume?

Sit down.

Sit down!

In my life I have travelled far, and met many deplorable people.

But not one of them has had the credulity...

strained as I have strained today by your... effrontery, Doctor!

Your story is probably true, otherwise you
would never have dared to tell it.

Stand up!

I propose to release you.

We might have expect...

That's very nice of you!

Yes, indeed.

No, no it isn't.

Released, but upon certain conditions.

And what are those conditions, may I ask, hmm?

That you use your supernatural knowledge to
devise a scheme whereby we capture Troy.

I will give you two days.

Two days to think of something really ingenious.

Two days! That isn't very long, is it, hmm?

It should be ample if you are as clever as you say you are.

What happens if we fail?

If... I fail, then I shall have been foolish.

And I would hate to seem foolish having believed your story.

Indeed I should be very, very angry!

That should make quite a blaze.

Yes - just one moment. Erm, before we actually light the fire

shouldn't we see if such a gift would be acceptable to the gods?

I mean, if it does contain treachery, might it
not mean the most awful incident?

Oh, point I suppose.

Have a word with them, Cassandra.

I assure you it's quite unnecessary.

Yes, but it's better to be on the safe side, don't you think?

Oh hear me, horses of the heavens, who gallop with our destiny!

If you would accept this gift, let us see a sign!

Show us your will, I pray you, for we are

merely mortal and need your guidance!

Well! This is no horse of heaven.

And this is no soldier either.

Who are you?

I'm nobody of any importance.

I'm just someone from... the future.

The future?

How do you so? You're no Trojan goddess.

Are you some puny pagan goddess of the Greeks?

Of course not, I'm as human as you are!

Then how comes it that you claim to know the future?

Oh really, Cassandra, you're always going
on and on about it yourself!

I'm a priestess, skilled in augury.

Yes, I know, all those dreary flights of birds and entrails

and all that kind of thing

well I mean, perhaps she's read the same ones!

I shouldn't imagine you have a monopoly.

Are you a priestess?

Not that I know of. I mean, I never took any exams or anything.

Then how dare you practice prophecy!

Well, I haven't done yet, have I?

She's some drab of Agamemnon's
sent to spread dissention.

I'm nothing of the sort!

Of course you're not. I can tell.

I've never even met Agamemnon.

I wish to question her. Come here, child.

That's better. Now - are you a Greek?

No, I... I am from the future.

So you see, I don't have to prophesy

because as far as I'm concerned, the future...

has already happened!

I don't quite follow.

Of course you don't - she's trying to confuse you!

Kill the girl before she addles all our wits.

She's a sorceress, she must die.

Oh, don't be absurd! You're not to touch her.

I wish you'd both keep quiet just for a moment.

Now don't be frightened, child

you shall die when I say so,
and not a moment before.

That's very comforting!

Now, you see?

Neither of you has the least idea how to handle children.

All you need is a little kindness and understanding.

Now first of all, what is your name?

Vicki.

Vicki? That's a very outlandish name.

It's a heathen sort of name, if you ask me.

Nobody did ask you, Cassandra.

Well, I really don't think we can call you Vicki.

We shall have to think another one for you, shan't we?

Let me see, how about, er, er... Cressida!

Would you think that would be all right?

It's a... very pretty name.

Very well, then, Cressida it shall be.

Now you claim, Cressida, to come from the future?

Yes!

So you know everything that's going to happen.

Well, I...

Look, Cressida. Come into the palace.

I expect you could do with something to eat.

Oh thank you, that would be very nice!

Ah, that's a very good idea, I've not eaten since the...

You get back to the war!

If you've not killed Achilles by nightfall,
I shall be seriously displeased.

But look, father, why couldn't Troilus go?

I mean, it's much more his sort of thing.

Hector is... Don't argue, Paris!

Get back to the war!

Right.

Well, er, bye, Cressida.

We shall, er... meet again this evening...

all being well.

Goodbye, Paris.

Thank you very much for trying to help me.

Oh, not at all, it was a great...

...pleasure.

Come, Cressida.

You and I have a great deal to say to each other.

I have a feeling you are going to bring us luck.

She will bring nothing but doom, death and disaster!

Don't pay any attention to Cassandra,
she takes the gloomiest view.

I suspect it's a kind of insurance

so that if things do go wrong she can
always say "I told you so. "

Come along.

Hear me, gods of Troy.

Strike with your lightning this usurper.

Or show me a sign that she is false

and then I'll strike her down myself!

Why not the wooden horse?

Oh! My dear boy, I couldn't possibly suggest that.

The whole story is obviously absurd.

Probably invented by Homer as some good dramatic device.

No, I think it'd be completely impractical.

Yes, well if you say so, Doctor

but in that case hurry up and think of something else.

The only way we can rescue Vicki is to get into Troy.

We've only got two days left!

Oh, patience, my...

Rather less now.

Haven't you thought of anything yet?

Yes, well I have thought up of some
conditions of my own.

Oh, really

I don't see how you're going to enforce them,
but what are they?

Well, it's all very simple, er, that is

if you want me to help you sack the city

you must, er, promise me that Vicki will be spared.

Vicki? Who's she?

Oh, you know, I told you about her.

Look, if they have taken the time machine into Troy

then she'll still be inside it.

I hope she is, for sh... her sake!

Because if she left it, she's past worrying about now.

Well, we're not quite sure of that, are we?

Perhaps not, but I don't know what you
expect me to do about it.

When we enter Troy

I can't stop every woman and ask her if she's a friend of yours!

It wouldn't be practical.

Lord Odysseus?

Yes, what is it?

Prince Paris has called again for my Lord Achilles.

Well?

Our Lord Agamemnon asked that you go in his stead.

To fight that fool?

Yes.

That puny princeling cannot fight

a waste of time!

Go tell our Lord Agamemnon... if he wants someone to fight Achilles' battles

to go himself. Now get out!

Is Paris such a bad fighter?

The weakling cannot stomach killing!

Let me go to Troy.

Now - before you attack.

What's that?

To get Vicki.

After all, I'm no use here.

I'm sure the Doctor can manage very well without me.

My dear boy, are you quite sure? Mmm?

Look, it's perfectly simple.

I allow Paris to take me prisoner!

You really are most anxious to die.

They will take you for a spy, as we did.

Not if I were wearing a uniform.

I'd be a prisoner of war.

Oh, I don't know what they're doing with
their prisoners of war at the moment

It rather depends on how they're feeling
at the time, I imagine.

They're a very unpredictable lot, these Trojans

Well I'm prepared to take the risk if you're prepared to let me go.

Really, that's very courageous of you.

Then you'll help me?

I don't see why not, because as you said

you're of little particular use here.

What about a uniform?

Ah, let me see... Ah!

Last week, my friend Diomede died from his wounds in this camp.

Now, you're about his size.

You'll find his things in the next tent.

Thank you, Odysseus.

Ah, you really are a very brave man indeed.

I should have been most distressed to have
had to put you to death myself!

A very consoling thought.

I'll see you both before I go.

Now then, Doctor, to work!

I hope you're not going to disappoint me.

I sincerely hope not.

Have you, er, thought of tunnelling, hmm?

It's been done.

What we want is something revolutionary.

Ah yes, dear me, dear me.

Well tell me, er, have you thought about...

flying machines, hmm?

No, I can't say I have...

Achilles!

Achilles! Come out and fight, you jackal!

Paris, prince of Troy, brother of Hector, seeks revenge.

Do you not dare to face me?

I dare to face you, Paris!

Turn and draw your sword!

Ah... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

No, you're not Achilles... are you?

I am Diomede, friend of Odysseus.

Oh, Diomede - I do not want your blood!

Oh ho, it's Achilles I seek.

And must my Lord Achilles be roused to
undertake your death, adulterer?

Yes.

Well, I'm prepared to overlook that for the moment.

I assure you I have no quarrel with you.

I'm Greek - you're Trojan.

Is not that quarrel enough?

Yes, well personally, I think this whole
business has been carried just a little bit too far.

I mean, that... Helen thing was just a misunderstanding.

Which I now propose to resolve. Draw your sword.

Right - well, you'll be sorry for this, I promise you!

Now die, Greek - and tell them in Hades
that Paris sent you thither!

I yield!

I beg your pardon?

I yield. I... I'm your prisoner.

Well I say, this sort of thing is just not done!

I mean, surely you'd rather die than
be taken prisoner?

Well yes, but... but only in a general sort of way, you see.

You see, when I first challenged you

little did I know that you were indeed
the Lion of Troy!

Yes, I...

I should have listened to my friends.

Why, what do they say?

Why, that they would rather face Prince Hector and Troilus together than the mighty Paris!

That you are unconquerable!

Really?

They don't say that in Troy.

Oh, I could tell them a tale or two of your valour that...

that would make even King Priam blanch to hear.

I say! Could you really?

Yes, and will!

Why, I hope my Lord Achilles does not meet you.

Even now he searches the plain for you

and what indeed would happen to our cause if he were vanquished?

Well, I don't really see how I can oblige him if I have a prisoner.

I mean, there will come a day of reckoning, of course, but, ah...

well, for the moment - Pick up your sword!

Now, I suppose I shall, er

have to drive you like a Grecian cur
into the city, won't I?

Er, excuse me a moment...

Farewell, Achilles!

For today, Paris of Troy has other business!

Come, dog!

Oh yes.

Oh thank you, that was delicious.

You're sure you wouldn't like a little more breast of peacock?

Oh no, thank you, I couldn't eat another mouthful!

How on earth do you manage to live like this when you're under siege?

My nephew Aeneas brings us a little something from time to time.

He's in command of our mobile force.

Spends most of his time harrying the Greek supply routes with his cavalry.

I didn't know cavalry was invented yet?

Oh, bless my soul, yes. We are basically horsemen.

Our ancestors came from central Asia

found this strategic position and chose to fortify it.

We only need now to beat the Greeks a few score more horses.

You seem very fond of horses.

Fond of them - I should think we are.

We worship them.

A Trojan would do anything for a horse.

Funny you should say that.

Funny, why? What do you mean?

Well... it's nothing, it's just a story I heard a long time ago.

A story about this war?

Well yes... but it's nothing.

I'm sure it's just a... a legend?

What sort of a legend?

Cressida - I'm relying on you to tell us everything you remember.

The smallest thing may be of importance.

Yes...

Prince Troilus, who was here just now,
is he your youngest son?

Ah, ah, er, Troilus, er... oh, oh, yes

he's about the same age as you, I suppose.

But why do you ask?

I though we were supposed to be talking about...

He's, er... very good-looking, isn't he?

Is he? Oh, I... I never noticed myself.

I don't particularly notice good looks.

Ha, only gets you into trouble.

Look at Paris - handsome as the devil, but a complete coward.

I thought he was rather nice!

Yes, women generally do
that's what got us all into this trouble.

Though of course, you've not met Helen
yet, have you?

No, I - I'm looking forward to that.

Yes, well, she's - oh well, never mind.

If only he'd met a nice, sensible girl like you

I always say it's character that counts, not good looks.

Thank you! Kindly!

Oh no, I didn't mean - good heavens, no!

I wish you wouldn't keep changing the subject, Cressida!

Funny you should say that about Tro... Troilus.

I thought he was rather taken with you.

Did you really think so?

Well of course I did...

I thought we were supposed to be talking about the war.

Now don't keep changing the subject!

You were saying something about a legend?

Was I? Yes... well you see...

Father, I've captured a Greek!

Paris, when will you learn to stop bursting
in here when I'm busy?

Oh, well, I... I just thought you might like
to question him, that's all.

Well, I may do so in due course, but...

Oh good. He's just outside...

Oh, you've not brought him here, into the palace?

Oh, don't worry. He's thoroughly calm.

That's not the point!

Yes, well now he is here,
couldn't I just bring him in?

Oh, I suppose so.

I'm sorry, Cressida, this is utterly unforgivable.

Here, Diomede!

Come on, step lively now!

Steven! What on earth are you...

Shh, Vicki!

What was that he called her?

You heard, didn't you?

That was the name she called herself when we found her.

And she recognised him too.

Since he's a Greek, what more proof do you need that she's a spy?

Guards!

Kill her! Kill both of them!