Doctor Who (1963–1989): Season 18, Episode 25 - Logopolis: Part One - full transcript

(DOCTOR WHO THEME)

(INDISTINCT CHEER)

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Doctor.

-Chameleon circuit.
-What?

Doctor...

Whenever you see me in this part of the Tardis
pacing up and down like this,

be a good chap and don't interrupt me
unless it's terribly urgent.

-It's not terribly urgent, is it?
-No.

Good, now you know. There's no need
for you to come barging in here at all.

If it is terribly urgent,
you can always ring the Cloister Bell.



-The Cloister Bell?
-Yes.

What's that?

Well, it's a sort of communications device
reserved for wild catastrophes and sudden calls

to man the battle stations.

-But the Tardis doesn't have battle stations.
-No, no, nothing along those lines.

I sometimes think
I should be running a tighter ship.

-A tighter ship?
-Yes.

The second law of thermodynamics
is taking its toll on the old thing.

-Entropy increases.
-Entropy increases?

Yes, daily. The more you put things together,
the more they keep falling apart.

That's the essence of
the second law of thermodynamics

and I never heard a truer word spoken. Come on.

Come on.

Have you seen the state
of the time column recently?



Wheezing like a grampus.

-But it will get us to Gallifrey, won't it?
-Gallifrey?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Are you really set on going to Gallifrey?

-Yes.
-oh.

-That is where we're going, isn't it?
-One of the questions I was just pondering.

There's bound to be an awful lot of fuss
about Romana.

Why she stayed in E-Space,
official investigations, that sort of thing.

-The Time Lords won't approve?
-What?

She has broken the cardinal rule of Gallifrey.

She has become involved,
and in a pretty permanent sort of way.

I think that you and I
should let a few oceans flow under a few bridges

before we head back home.

-So we don't get to go to Gallifrey?
-Yes.

Let me put another question to you.

I have a place in mind that's on the way, where,
more or less, give or take a parsec or two,

it's my home from home. It's called...

Earth.

Passport.

Oh, she's going to go back in there.

(ENGINE SEIZING)

Right.

-There we go.
-Okay, Aunty Vanessa, let's go.

More choke.
Easy on the throttle as you turn her over.

While I do that, dear
I wonder if you'd mind shutting th' e front door.

-And don't forget your bag. You might need it.
-Rats. I promise I'll get organised one day.

Now, calm down, Tegan, dear.
Look, we got plenty of time.

You get yourself so excited.

Wish you and I had half her energy, though.

Sorry, Aunty, first flight nerves, I guess.

-Here, let me have a go.
-That's a good idea.

I'm not having any luck here at all
with it this morning.

-It's really very cold.
-It's cold.

There we are.

Got all your things? Right.

(ENGINE STARTING)

-I've got the knack.
-You sure have.

Ladies and gentlemen, although
the ''fasten seatbelt'' sign is now off,

we suggest that you keep
your seatbelt fastened when seated.

If necessary, you may move about in the cabin.

Smoking is now permitted...

Earth's the planet with all the oceans, isn't it?

-That's the chap.
-Wet.

Britain is. That's the one place
where we can find these blue boxes.

-Tardises?
-Yes, but they're not.

The space is a combination of things
that don't even time travel,

just elementary Earth communications devices.

And more or less obsolete
by the time we'll be arriving there.

There's some in the North that are still in use.

-But we've got communications devices.
-But not a police box.

-A police box?
-Yes.

What the mathematical model of a Tardis exterior
is based upon.

I'd like to see Earth,

but why go all that wayjust to look at something
that looks like the Tardis?

-Because I want to measure it.
-Whatever for?

Block transfer computation.

-Never heard of that.
-I'm not surprised. Logopolis is a quiet planet.

Logopolis? But I thought we were going to Earth.

No, that's the other place.
We go to Logopolis afterwards.

-You mean we're going to measure Logopolis, too?
-No, no, no.

It's all to do with the chameleon circuit problem.

We measure the police box on Earth
then take the measurements to Logopolis.

Come on, I'll show you.

(BELL TOLLING)

-What is it?
-The Cloister Bell.

(PUNCTURED TYRE THUMPING)

-It's stopped.
-Yes.

-What does it mean?
-Well, nothing when it's not ringing.

But it did ring.

-Is there a wild catastrophe?
-Apparently not.

-Well, something must have made it ring.
-Yes.

Unless it's our old friend, entropy,
nibbling away at the system circuitry.

-Let's take a look.
-But you were saying about the chameleon circuit.

Hell's teeth, Aunty Vanessa, it is a flat.

I thought there was something funny
about that steering,

but you wouldn't listen to me.

Well, the exterior of a Tardis
still exists as a real space-time event.

But mapped onto one of the interior continua.

Precisely. That's very good.

-So you can change it into anything you like.
-Ah, well, that's a sore point.

According to the handbook, yeah,
because the outer plasmic shell of a Tardis

is driven by the chameleon circuit,
or so theory runs.

In practice, however, I always meant
to ask Romana to help me to fix it one day.

Ah. I suppose we're going to miss Romana.

-And K9, too.
-Yes.

Still, the future lies this way.

-Come on, Aunty, we've gotta do something.
-Yeah.

-Telephone for help.
-Absolutely not.

-Cars. I hate them.
-That's not what you said when I offered you a lift.

Sorry, Aunty, but you just don't get
this sort of silly aggravation with aircraft.

Well, perhaps if we sit here and look helpless,
someone might offer us a lift.

Pathetic. We'll crack this ourselves.

Now, then...

Where's the wheel spanner?

-So, the chameleon circuit's stuck?
-Exactly.

-In Totter's Yard.
-Yeah, in a totter's yard.

Anyway, it was ages ago, it doesn't matter.

She was in on Gallifrey for repair
when I borrowed her.

-I thought she was yours.
-Well, on a sort of finders-keepers basis, yes.

I should have waited
till they'd done the chameleon conversion,

but there were other pressing reasons at the time.

-Anything happening up there?
-No.

-Yes.
-Good. Ah.

-What do these numbers and letters mean?
-Well, it's an early version.

The instructions have to be punched in
by machine code.

-Oh, how boring.
-Boring?

In theory, we should be able to do things like this.

There.

You have a door there.

-Yes, I suppose that's useful.
-We've gotta be able to get in and out.

No, no, I mean, being able to change like that.

That's how the Master hid from us on Traken.

Anyway, if this worked,
I'd just have to punch a few buttons like this,

and we'd be a pyramid.

-It's very distinctive.
-Yes.

-I'm not sure we should be distinctive.
-Why?

Who's looking for us now?
You've disposed of the Master.

Yes.

But since we left Traken,
and then the Cloister Bell...

-Wild catastrophe?
-Mmm.

-Man the battle stations?
-Yes.

Ah, Earth. Nearly there.

''Completely remove the wheel-nuts,
remove the hub-trim,

''exchange the road wheels and replace
the hub-trim and wheel-nuts.''

(AUNTY VANESSA LAUGHING)

Oh, dear.

TEGAN: Now, that's what I call travelling.

You and your aeroplanes.

I sometimes think
you should have been born with wings.

Oh, rabbits!

(WHOOSHING)

By the way, dear,

don't you think you should put a...)ack
underneath there before you take that wheel off?

-We've missed.
-What's supposed to happen?

Well, it isn't supposed to be a miss,

but I thought just for once
we might materialise on the right coordinates.

2.6 metres off-target. What a landing.

-It's not bad for the Tardis.
-That's what Ijust said. What a landing.

-No, don't open the door.
-Aren't we going out there to measure it?

There's no need to draw attention to ourselves.
There's a simpler way, if I can just organise it.

The Tardis and I are getting rather better
at these short hops.

(WHOOSHING)

It's just like the Tardis!

I hope not. That could produce
some unpleasant dimensional anomalies.

No, it's just an ordinary police box,

around which we've materialised with
considerable finesse, I hope you've noticed.

-''Police Telephone. Free for use of...''
-No, no, no, leave it alone.

It's a communications device. Adric...

take down these dimensions.

I've been meaning to do this for centuries.

It's nearly done.

I don't really belong at ground level,
Aunt Vanessa.

-Yeah.
-I didn't mean to be rude about your car.

It's very nice of you to give me a lift
to the airport.

My little runabout's
used to being insulted by now.

TEGAN: Cars are okay, I guess.

It's great having your own plane back home.

What kind of a maintenance schedule
are you running here, Aunty Vanessa?

This tyre is flat, too.

DOCTOR: _.67 metres normal to the back surface.

-How much more of this is there?
-It has to be measured in every dimension.

But it can't have _7 dimensions!
You said it was an ordinary Earth ob)ect.

In every dimension, I need every detail.

Logopolitans convert that
into a precise mathematical model.

-Why?
-Well, to overlay it on the Tardis.

And that's block transfer computation.

Well, it's a way of modelling space-time events
through pure calculation.

-Really?
-No.

Transcendentally.
It's quite hard to explain in a word.

Creating solid ob)ects through pure mathematics.

Yes, I meant to do it all

when they first offered to do the chameleon
conversion for me. It's highly specialised.

But they say it'll work. Leg up.

Oh, please, dear,
do let's get a man from the garage.

No way. Stories I've heard
about the way they exploit helpless women.

''You want the )ob done well, you do it yourself,''
that's what Dad used to say.

Perhaps some knight errant will stop for us.

You have to learn to fend for yourself
in the outback, you know.

Your father's farm is hardly the outback,
my dear, and neither is this.

You know, I can see a garage
not even a quarter of a mile away.

Industry and application, Aunt Vanessa.
Air stewardesses are supposed to be resourceful.

-You're not an air stewardess yet, dear.
-I will be after today.

-If ever we get to the airport.
-We will, just as soon as I get this wheel off.

Oh, God!

You know,
I thought I saw a man hovering over there.

Perhaps he needed a wave of encouragement.

It's the 1980s, Aunt Vanessa, no knight errants.

So, why do we have to go to Logopolis
if the theory is as simple as you say?

Because the actual working out's
incredibly tedious, lots of fiddly computations.

Much better to leave it to the Logopolitans.
They do it standing on their heads.

Not with a computer?

-''Standing on their heads'' is an expression.
-oh.

As a matter of fact, they don't use computers.
They use word of mouth.

-Is that another expression?
-No.

They speak it?

-Mutter, intone.
-Intone the computations?

-Yes.
-Why?

I've wondered that myself.

Never quite had the nerve to ask them.

(WHIRRING)

Another instrumentation failure.

-A gravity bubble?
-No.

(BEEPING)

Definitely a gravity bubble.

-Pretty local, too, by the look of it.
-Is that dangerous?

Well, we better not dematerialise
till I've investigated.

I have a feeling I'm overlooking the obvious again.
Back in two shakes.

What are you doing, Adric?

I thought it might have something to do
with the gravity bubble.

What?

I'm afraid you're right. No!

Better leave this to me.

Get back to the Tardis.

-But this is the Tardis.
-A Tardis, perhaps.

-It looks just like yours.
-Yes, down to the last detail.

No, wait, wait.

This could be terribly dangerous.
You'd better stay with me.

There you are, Tegan, dear.
I've got the knack, too.

I wish there was a knack
to blowing up a spare tyre with a hole in it.

Really, Aunt Vanessa, what's the point
in driving around with a dud spare tyre?

-It's the garage, then.
-Crooks and swindlers.

I suppose we've got no choice.

-Unless we wait for a knight errant.
-No, thank you.

Look, you stay here and get your breath back,
and I'll go.

Take your bag, dear, you might have to pay for it.

Oh, there you go. Good girl.

''Police Telephone. Free for use of public.

''Advice and assistance obtainable immediately,
officers and cars respond to urgent calls.

''Pull to open.''

That's funny.

It's very peculiar indeed.

(WHOOSHING)

(WHIRRING)

-So it is another Tardis?
-It's too early to tell.

There are other things
that can cause this sort of dimensional anomaly.

See if you can do that again.

Hello?

Anybody there?

Well, there must be intelligent life
at the end of this lot.

Hello? Anybody receiving me?

Hello?

Come in, anybody!

My name... My name's Tegan Jovanka!

I'd like to speak to the pilot.

(BELL TOLLING)

Is that the crew in there?

Tegan?

Goodness me.

How many more of these are there?

It couldn't be an infinite regression, could it?

I hope not,
because if it is, we'll never get out of it.

Here, you do it.

(BELL TOLLING)

Listen.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

No!

-Someone's trying to get in touch with us.
-We can't go back now.

Done it.

We must be getting near to
the nucleus of the bubble.

-What's causing it?
-Another Tardis.

What?

Materialising around the police box
just as we plan to do?

Yes.

And someone's been here before us.
Stay here, Adric.

-Ah, good morning.
-Good morning.

This your vehicle?

-Which vehicle?
-The sports car.

-No.
-Ah.

DETECTIVE: I just wondered how you come
to be here. There is only the road, after all.

It isn't easy to explain.

Well, while you're trying to work that one out,
perhaps you'd like to explain this.

So he did escape from Traken.

I think you'd better come along with us.

But he's still about somewhere.

-''He'', sir?
-Yes, the Master.