Doctor Who (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - The Caretaker - full transcript

There's no way out of this.
Ripped By mstoll

We're going to die here.

DOCTOR: Pass me the vibro-cutters.

CLARA: They're in my pocket.

DOCTOR: Come on, then, pass them to me.

In my other jacket. At home.

Why have you got have two jackets?
Is one of them faulty?

Look, I don't have the vibro-cutters.
If I had the vibro-cutters,

I wouldn't be able to pass you
the vibro-cutters.

We're going to starve
to death out here.

Of course we won't starve.



The sand piranhas will get us
long before that.

Hiya. Sorry I'm late.

You're not, but you are brown.
You're very brown.

You weren't that brown this morning.

Sunbed. Phew!
I'll get them in. Usual?

DOCTOR: Fish people.

CLARA: What are they like?

Fish and people. Come and see.

- How's you?
- Evening. Nice frock.

- It's a bit wet.
- Freak shower.

Was that seaweed?

I said freak.

How much further?

The Tardis has got to be
around this corner.



- Oh!
- Oh!

I hate soldiers.
Don't you hate soldiers?

Yeah.

- DOCTOR: Just keep running!
- Ooh!

- Oh, yeah. Danny. Hiya.
- Morning. Ready to run?

Mmm-hmm.

(PANTING)

I can't keep doing this. I can't do it.

Yes, I can. I can do it,
of course I can do it.

I've got it all under control.

So, where are we off to?

Clara. You look lovely today.
Have you had a wash?

- Why are you being nice?
- Because it works on you.

Listen, I'm sorry but there's
going to be no trip today.

I'm sorry. Er, I've got to do
a thing. It might take a while.

- What thing?
- Just a thing.

You're being mysterious
and do you know what means?

I'm a man of mystery.

Hmm. It means that you are
a very clever man

making the mistake,
common to very clever people,

of assuming that
everybody else is stupid.

Where are you going?

Undercover. Deep cover.

- Can you do deep cover?
- What do you mean?

- Have you seen you?
- Of course I can do deep cover!

(LAUGHING) Where? The Magic Circle?

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

- I'll see you when I see you.
- (SNAPPING FINGERS) When's that?

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

When I see you.

Hmm...

Hmm...

I'll be sure to have a wash.

Excellent. I was meaning to bring it up.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You lot! Not here. Over there.

Morning, Mr Pink.

Morning, Courtney.
And good morning, Miss Oswald.

Morning, Mr Pink.

(GIGGLING)

- Do they know?
- Possibly. They're children.

It's like they've got
minds of their own. Are you okay?

Yeah, of course I'm okay.
Why wouldn't I be okay?

I don't know. Every time I see you,
it's like you're...

What?

In a rush. In a state.

In a space helmet one time.

Sorry, er, I've had a thing

and, er, the thing's gone.
So I'm all yours.

- What thing? What's gone?
- Nothing.

It's like you're trying
to be mysterious.

I'm not stupid, you know.

(SIGHING)
The next few days are all about you.

I promise.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Which means, Jo, you'll have to
cover for 8-4M in L3.

Hold on, there is just one more thing.

Atif's off sick, so we've got a newbie.

I did ask him to come along.

- (KNOCKING)
- Ah, here he is.

Do come in.

I'm the new caretaker. john Smith.

Welcome to Coal Hill, Mr Smith.

Thanks. Yes, john Smith's the name.

But you know, here's the thing.
Most people just call me the Doctor.

(DOCTOR WHO THEME)

So if anybody needs me,
just, you know, give me a shout.

I'll be in the storeroom
just getting the lie of the land.

Yes, nobody's taking
any notice at all.

Absolutely good news, because

it means that I must be coming across
just as an absolutely

- boring human being like you.
- (MOUTHING)

Deep cover. Deep cover.

- Do you know him?
- Know who?

- The caretaker, Smith. The Doctor.
- Never seen him before in my life.

Bit intense-looking.
Did you see those eyebrows?

Did he wink at you?

No, I think that was just
sort of like a general wink.

You know, he winked at everybody.
It was a general welcoming wink.

Ah! I have, erm, left some marking.

Assembly. Chop-chop. Off you pop.
Catch you in a bit. Excuse me.

- So, you recognised me, then.
- You're wearing a different coat.

- You saw straight through that.
- Deep cover in my school? Why?

Where's Atif?
What have you done with him?

He's fine, hypnotised,
he thinks he's got the flu.

Also, a flying car and three wives.
It's going to be a rude awakening.

Is it aliens?

Oh, my God, is that
why you're here? Are there aliens?

It's assembly, you better get going.
Go and worship something.

Are the aliens in this school?

Listen, it's lovely talking to you,
but I've really got to get on.

I'm a caretaker now.
Look, I've got a brush.

Doctor, is there an alien
in this school?

Yes, me. Now, go.

The walls need sponging
and there's a sinister puddle.

You can't do this.

You cannot pass yourself off
as a real person among actual people.

I lived among otters
once for a month.

Well, I sulked. River and I,
we had this big fight...

- Human beings are not otters!
- Exactly, it'll be even easier.

Okay. One question.
And you will answer this question.

Are the kids safe?

No. Nobody is safe.

But soon the answer will be
yes, everybody is safe,

if you let me get on now.

Pretend you don't know me.
Stay out of my way.

The less you know, the better.
I'll explain it all later.

- Go and sing with the otters.
- I hate you.

That's fine,
that's a perfectly normal reaction.

Basically, you've to get
that guy on the block

and stop the other one
from shooting him. It's so sick.

I, I got that guy.
That was, like, six months ago.

What you actually have to do
is flick it that way.

No, but I'm saying...

You Coal Hill kids?

- Yeah, so what if we are?
- Then get to Coal Hill.

We've got a free period, mate.

You want me to take your names?

Come on.

This is unfair, mate.

(THUDDING)

Always come in threes.

Oi! I know you're in there.

Hello? I'm a police officer.

There's no point hiding.

Do you hear me?

Come on, kiddo.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Five. Stop intruder.
Five. Stop intruder.

Turn your game off,
it's time for school.

Come on! Stop messing about!

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Problem. Solution: destroy.

(SCREAMING)

"...though unheard by Lydia,
was caught by Elizabeth

"and as it assured her
that Darcy was not less..."

- You all right, Miss Oswald?
- Yes, Kelvin, I'm fine, you carry on.

KELVIN: Urn, "every feeling
of displeasure

"against the former
was so sharpened..."

Can I help you, Mr Smith?

- Wrong.
- I'm sorry?

On the board. Wrong. Wrong.

Oh, no, no, no. No. You don't do this.

You are the caretaker,
this is not what you do.

- Just taking care.
- Not your area!

Jane Austen wrote
Pride and Prejudice in 1796.

(CLEARING THROAT) This is Mr Smith,
the temporary caretaker,

and he's a bit confused.

Not in 1797, because she didn't
have the time. She was so busy...

Oh, what, and I suppose she was
your bezzie mate, was she?

And you went on holidays together

and then you got kidnapped
by Boggans from space

and then you all formed
a band and met Buddy Holly.

No, I read the book.
There's a bio at the back.

Get down.

- Boggans?
- Go!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Right, that's it.
Uh, well done, Kelvin. Get going.

See you all in a couple of days.
Thanks very much.

Miss, what about our homework?

Who asks for homework? Amateur.

- Miss Oswald...
- Oh, hello, Tobias, can't really stop.

I'm on the school football team
against Durants on Thursday.

Sorry, but can I go early
from English Thursday afternoon?

Tobias, you can do whatever you want.

- Ah, Clara, can I have a quick word?
- Actually, I, erm...

Two weeks Saturday, the fete,
can I put you down for the tombola

and the raffle?
James H can't cover it now.

His wife's going into hospital.
Hip replacement. Constant agony.

Great!

No, awful. That's terrible. Awful.
I hope she'll be okay.

Urn, I'll do anything.
Anything. Okay. Bye.

Miss Oswald, Katie Sharp says
I pulled her hair in Biology.

Courtney, you are big enough
to look after yourself.

Next class, jog on,
I need to talk to Mr Pink.

Ozzie loves the Squaddie.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

ADRIAN: Of course, Danny Pink
is your man, Mr Smith.

Five years' military experience,
sergeant, here and Afghan,

so electrics, boilers, if you need
a hand, give him a shout.

I, I've helped Atif
with a couple of things.

I'm sure I won't needing you, Sergeant.
Fully qualified.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

- You best get back to your PE class.
- Uh, I teach maths.

- DO you? What, in emergencies?
- No, I'm a maths teacher.

Yeah, he's a maths teacher...

Mohammad, put that down!

How does that work?
What if the kids have questions?

- About what?
- Maths.

I answer them. I'm a maths teacher.

But he said you were a soldier.

Yeah. I was a soldier.
Now I'm a maths teacher.

But what about all the PE?

I don't teach PE. I'm not a PE teacher.

Sorry, that seems very unlikely.

Er... (CLEARING THROAT)
Excuse me, Mr Pink,

I think Maths 9-M4 are waiting.

Yes, you'd better run along, Sergeant.

That ball isn't going to
kick itself, is it?

I'm not a PE teacher,
I'm a maths teacher.

Nope, sorry.
No, I can't retain that.

I've tried, it's just not going in.

So... Pink.
The name remind you of anything?

Yeah. The colour.

Colonel Orson Pink?

The guy we met
at the end of the universe.

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, same name,
doesn't look anything like him, though.

Looks very like him.

DOCTOR: Does he? I don't know.
Who remembers a PE teacher?

Oh, never mind.

What are you doing? What's in there?

So... Is he here, then?

Is who here?

The one you keep going on
serious dates with.

If he is, are you going to start
talking like a normal human being?

- I promise I won't. I'm being nice.
- Doctor...

- Clara. Got this period free, yes?
- No. Yes.

- Great. Shakespeare.
- Sorry, what, Adrian?

Oh... I see.

- You see what?
- Nothing. Nothing at all.

Excuse me. We have to
talk about The Tempest,

in light of the changes to the Sixth
Form Shakespeare module blah-di-blah.

Yes. Sorry, of course.

Yes, yes, no, of course,
of course, yes.

Don't mind this old man.
You two kids just pop off together.

Why are you talking like an idiot?

I'm a caretaker, don't mind me.

(BOTH CHUCKLING WEAKLY)

What we have to get across, I feel,

is that fascinating enigma
of its... not-finishedness.

Mmm, yes, good point, Ade.

Oh, Clara.

What does that mean? Kids.
What's the matter with kids today?

(BEEPING)

CLARA: Hey, I said you could play chess,

I did not say you could play
football on the chessboard.

Jack, Morgan, come on,
help me out, clear it up.

(WHISTLING ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL)

And one for luck.

(BEEPING)

Okay. Now we're in business.

Let's see the Lie of the land.
Time to see what's going on.

Hello?

Oi.

What are you doing? Are you in there?

DOCTOR: Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the most dangerous of them all?

There's been a spillage in
Geography, I need some paper towels.

- Can't you read?
- Course I can read. Read what?

The door. It says, "Keep Out."

No, it says, "Go Away Humans."

Oh, so it does.

Never lose your temper
in the middle of a door sign.

What was you doing in there?
What's that box?

A caretaker's box.
Every caretaker has their own box.

It says, "Police."

Exactly. There's a policeman
in there, in case of emergencies

and children.

- Towels, there, g-g-go.
- What was that green glow?

There was a green glow
coming from in there.

- What was it?
- Of course there was.

- What's a policeman without a death ray?
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Oh, listen, there's the bell,
off you go.

Haven't you got
shoplifting to go to?

I'm going to tell
the Headmaster.

Oh, yes, fine. Well, cut along,
you're running out of time.

- For what?
- Everything.

Human beings have incredibly
short lifespans.

Frankly, you should all be
in a permanent state of panic.

- Tick tock, tick tock.
- You're weird.

Yes, I am. What about you?

I'm a disruptive influence.

- Good to meet you.
- And you!

- Now, get lost.
- Okay.

Hello, miss, love to the Squaddie.

Sorry, what did you say?

What was she doing here?

Paper towels.
Now, I imagine you have many questions.

Fire away, I won't answer any of them.

- What were they like?
- What were who like?

The others before me.

Did they let you get away
with this kind of thing?

- This school is in danger.
- Well, it's lucky I'm here, then.

- From you.
- Me?

You wouldn't be here
if there wasn't an alien threat nearby.

Your strategy for dealing with it
involves endangering this school.

You don't know that.

I don't know anything because
you haven't told me anything,

which means I wouldn't approve,
which means

you are endangering the school.

(SONIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRRING)

What's that?

It's a scanner. I'm scanning.
Why do I keep you around?

Because the alternative would be
developing a conscience of your own.

Scanning for what?

DOCTOR: Any alien technology
in this vicinity should show up.

I used to have a teacher
exactly like you.

You still do. Pay attention.

What the hell is it?

DOCTOR: A Skovox Blitzer,

one of the deadliest
killing machines ever created.

Probably horned in here
because of artron emissions.

You've had enough of them
in this area over the years.

There's enough explosive in its armoury
to take out the whole planet.

Then leave it alone.

Sooner or later,
it will creep from its hidey-hole

and some military idiot
will try to attack it.

The world is full of PE teachers.

So, your insanely dangerous plan is?

A new watch. Tiny bit disappointed.

This is a very special watch.

Mmm.

(BEEPING)

Doctor?

Oi! Ow!

Did you just flick my nose?

You're invisible. (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, that's incredible!

DOCTOR: Correct. lam invisible
and I am incredible.

It's simply a matter of reversing
light waves. Hang on, I'm coming back.

All right, where are you?

Ooh! (GIGGLING)

So, I give the Blitzer a tiny whiff
of non-threatening alien tech,

I lead it back here, but I don't
want it to scan me, hence invisible.

So, you're, you're leading the thing
here? To a school? My, my school?

"My school"? Oh, that is telling.

This is the only
suitably empty place in the area.

I've set up a circle of time mines
around the school.

- Chronodyne generators.
- Ooh.

Bit unstable.

I switch them on, the Blitzer gets
sucked into a big old time vortex,

billions of years into the future.
It's dead easy. Tiny bit boring.

- I'll need a book and a sandwich.
- And me. You're not doing this alone.

I don't need you this time.
I'll see you tomorrow.

We'll go somewhere nice.
Ancient Egypt. Crocodilopolis.

They worship a big crocodile there,
so the name is a useful coincidence.

Go and canoodle with your boyfriend.

Come on. I wasn't born yesterday,
far from it.

You did recognise him.

Possibly reminded me of a certain
dashing young time traveller.

Oh, of course you recognised him.

Sony. Stupid. I...
I underestimated you.

It's easily done,
there's a lotto estimate.

And you, you like him?

Yes, I like him. Very, very much.

Go home and canoodle.
Doctor's orders. Come on.

(EXHALING)

just this once, I'm doing what I'm told.

- (CHUCKLING)
- Oh, sing hosanna.

CLARA: (EXHALING) So easy.

Miss Oswald.

- Ah, Mr... Mr Pink.
- Are you still on for tonight?

'Cause you had your
"I'm about to cancel" frown on.

There's a specific frown?

And I was going to say, it's okay,
I might have a thing, so...

A, I thing?

Uh...

- Tomorrow instead?
- Uh, tomorrow's parents' evening.

Not all evening.

No. Not all evening.

What do you think of him?

Uh, who? The, the caretaker?

Where did he come from?
What was he before?

He doesn't seem like a caretaker.

Well, he speaks very highly of you.

Anyway, urn, goodnight, Miss Oswald.

Goodnight, Mr Pink.

(SONIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRRING)

And we're off.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

Home sweet home.

(BEEPING)

Canoodling cancelled,
if you need a hand...

Doctor?

You invisible?

(SIGHING)
I am so going to confiscate that watch.

DOCTOR: Where are you,
my sleeping beauty?

(BLITZER POWERING UP)

DOCTOR: Gotcha! Let's dance!

Doctor?

Where are you?

(KNOCKING)

Hello?

(BEEPING)

BLITZER: Nine. Stop query. Rescan.

Target reacquired. Success. Success.

DOCTOR: Come on,
come on, come on.

- (FOOTSTEPS)
- Gangway!

Not far now. Come on.

BLITZER: Nine.
Stop parsing data. Pursue.

DOCTOR: Bingo.

BLITZER: Target reacquired.

Hello?

(RHYTHMIC BEEPING)

What? Red, red, red. No. No, no, no!

BLITZER: Range, 149.
Scan complete. Problem. Problem.

Listen. I'm unarmed.
I'm peaceful. Do you understand?

I know that you shouldn't be
on this planet

but I can help you with that. I...

BLITZER: Problem. Solution: destroy.

I want a word with you.

DOG OR: Get back!
BLITZER: Problem. Solution." destroy.

Go. Get away from me!

(GRUNTING)

BLITZER: Temporal disrupt.

Warning. Warning. Temporal failure.

N". no, no, no. Doctor, stop!

Doctor!

BLITZER: Warning, system failure.
Abort. Abort.

(GRUNTING)

Oh! Oh, well done, PE.
Brilliant work!

"What's this? A chronodyne generator?

"I'll just deactivate that, shall I?

"I've got a swimming certificate,
so that qualifies me

"to meddle with higher technology.

"Never mind that some people are
actually trying to save the planet.

"Oh, no. There's only room in my head
for cross-country and the offside rule."

- Danny, what are you doing here?
- I was checking up on him.

He's been up to something, fiddling
with the electric, but what the...

No.

What...

Did you see that thing?
Tell me you saw that thing.

I saw the thing, yeah.
Doctor, are we safe, is the planet safe?

It's gone?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, for the moment.
But the thing is, you see,

the chronodyne generators
have to be precisely aligned

to generate the vortex,

but the sergeant here,
he went and moved one.

Okay, but the chronodyne worked,
it's gone.

(SONIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRRING)

But not far enough.

The vortex will open here again,
but not in a billion years.

Then when?

Er, 74 hours. Three days.

Three days to think of something new
because now it knows what to expect.

Now it has scanned me
and it will kill me on sight,

thanks to PE here.

Clara, why are you talking
to him like that?

Why are you using words
like "chronodyne"?

Was that thing a space thing?

Oh, my God, you're from space.

You're a spacewoman.
You said you were from Blackpool.

It's a play! For the summer fete.

- It's a what?
- Yes, it's a play.

Shut up, it is a play.

We are rehearsing a play.
(SHUSHING) A surprise play!

And, erm, you see, the vortex thing
is, is a lighting effect.

Very clever.

And that thing is one of the kids.
In fancy dress.

(LAUGHING) Really.

Really, really good fancy dress.

How stupid do you think I am?

I'm willing to put a number on it.

I'm not a moron, Clara.

And he's not the caretaker.

He's... your dad.

Your space dad.

Oh, genius.

That is... That is really,
really brilliant reasoning.

How can you think that I'm her dad

when we both look exactly the same age?

- We do not look the same age.
- I was being kind.

Right, I'm going to hypnotise him,

- I'm going to erase his memory.
- Doctor, stop!

Tiny little brain,
will only take a moment.

He's my boyfriend.

Well, I'll try not to erase the
whole thing. I'll leave the bits that...

He's my boyfriend.
I thought you'd figured this out.

- Him?
- Yes, him.

- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.

- Yes, I am.
- But he's a PE teacher.

You wouldn't go out with a PE teacher.

It's a mistake.
You've made a boyfriend error.

I am not a PE teacher.
I am a maths teacher!

You're a soldier.
Why would you go out with a soldier?

- Why not get a dog or a big plant?
- Because I love him!

Why would you say that?
Is this part of the surprise play?

(SIGHING) There is no surprise play.

Oh, it's a roller coaster
with you tonight, isn't it?

What about the handsome one,
the one with the bow tie?

Who? Adrian? No, no, no.
He’s just a friend and not my type.

Clara, are you going to
explain any of this?

Who is this guy?

(CHUCKLING)

The Doctor is...

- Go on.
- Yes, explain.

Who is he?
Why have you never mentioned him?

Because... he's an alien.

- DANNY: Are you an alien?
- No, no, no. I'm still from Blackpool.

Me and the Doctor,
we travel through time and space.

DOCTOR: Exhibit A.

It's called a Tardis

but it's disguised
as an old police phone box.

- Huh?
- It's bigger on the inside.

And it's bigger on the inside
than the outside.

Voilà.

CLARA: And we travel the universe in it.

And what about that thing?
Did you bring it here?

No, I'm going to protect you
from that thing.

You said it was coming back.

Yes, it is coming back. Thanks to you.

This is a school.
We have to evacuate, call the Army.

And that is the most dangerous
thing right there.

Are you sure hypnotising
is not on the menu?

Yes.

Well, we need to get help.
This is an emergency.

Look, take him away, shut him up,
shut him down,

up or down, doesn't matter to me.

- I've got a lot of work to do. Again.
- Will you be okay?

Why wouldn't I be okay?
I was fine till you two blundered in.

Am I just being ignored?

Oh, come on, Danny.
It's all right, it's...

Come on, it's all fine.

You'll be okay.
Let's, uh, get those legs moving...

That's it, down those stairs.
Yep, that's it.

This can all be explained
and everything will be fine.

And when this is allover,
you can finish the job.

How do you mean?

Well, you've explained me to him.
You haven't explained him to me.

CLARA: What do you think?

Say something.

So...

there's an alien
that used to lock like Adrian.

Hmm... Then he turned
into a Scottish caretaker

and every now and then, when I'm
not looking, you elope with him.

I don't elope.

- Do you love him?
- No.

Really had enough of the lies.

- Not in that way.
- What other way is there?

- You know what I mean.
- I don't know what you mean.

I know what you tell me,
which isn't always the truth.

- Danny...
- Why do you do it?

Why do you fly off in the box with him?

The truth, please, just this once.

Because...

it's amazing.

Because... I see wonders.

Okay.

What are you thinking?

(LAUGHING)

There's a good question.

It's funny, you only really know
what someone thinks of you

when you know what lies
they've told you.

You say you've seen wonders,
you've seen amazing things

and you kept them secret.

From me.

So what do you think of me, Clara?

- Please, tell me how I fix this.
- I just want to know who you are.

You know who I am.

When you're with him.
When you're with the Doctor.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Okay, I think we've just about got
enough time before parents' evening.

An invisibility watch?
Not even a ring.

Press the button on the side,
you're invisible.

You'll see me with the Doctor,
the other me.

The exactly the same, other me. Okay?

- (BEEPING)
- (CLARA CLEARING THROAT)

Afternoon. Thanks for keeping
out of my way.

You haven't brought Dave with you,
I hope.

His name's Danny. And no, I haven't.

I've, uh, explained it all to him.
He gets it, he took it really well.

Pass me that synestic.

So, when the Blitzer comes back,
are you going to catch him with that?

It'll be a long and fiddly job.
It's going to take me at least 24 hours.

Even longer if people keep talking
to me, so do keep going.

So, if it comes back Thursday night,
are you sure about that?

'Cause you said chronodyne is unstable.

If you want bother someone,
go and bother PE.

He's a maths teacher.

- That's a shame, I like maths.
- Not a soldier.

Interesting.

What is?

I'm bored.

Let's go somewhere fun,
what do you say?

Do you want to see the Thames
frozen over? Oh, those frost fairs!

You can't. The Skovox thing.

It's a time machine.

We can get back straightaway,
like we always do on your dates.

Just make sure you don't get yourself
a tan or anything, or lose a limb.

I don't think we should, not this time.

You've never said no before.
Not even in the middle of dinner.

Remember you had to eat
two meals in a row?

I just think,
with the school in danger...

(BEEPING)

- Danny! Why are you...
- He already knows I'm here.

That's why he's talking like that.
He's being clever.

Now you mentioned it, being a Time Lord,

I can feel a light-shield aura
when it's right next to me.

Time Lord! Might have known.

Might have known what?

Well, the accent's good but you can
always spot the aristocracy.

- It's in their... The attitude?
- Danny!

Now, urn, Time Lords,
do you salute those?

- Definitely not.
- (SCOFFS) Sir!

And you do not call me sir.

As you wish, sir! Absolutely, sir!

- And you can get out of my Tardis!
Immediately, sir.

Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair!

One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier,
guilty as charged. You see him?

- He's an officer.
- I am not an officer!

I'm the one who
carries you out of the fire.

- He's the one who lights it.
- Out. Now.

- Right away, sir? Straight now?
- Yes.

- Am I dismissed?
- (SHOUTING) Yes, you are!

That's him.

Look at him right now.

That's who he is.

On balance,
I think that went quite well.

Danny, it's not time to go home yet.

It's parents' evening.

Humans.

I never learn.

COURTNEY: What's in the box?

It's not really a policeman, is it?

You want to know what's in that box?
I'll tell you what's in that box.

It's a time machine.

It also travels in space

and it usually contains a man
who just wants to get on with his work

of preventing the end of the world

but keeps being interrupted
by boring little humans.

Cool. So, that's really a spaceship?

I'm serious,
I'm trying to save this planet.

End of the world for me tonight,
whatever you do. Parents' evening.

Is your name really
Disruptive Influence?

Courtney Woods. Can I go in space?

I'll let you know.
I may have a vacancy.

But not right now.

Two days. I can do it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Rights, are we quorate?
Time to admit the hordes.

And look who's
at the front of the queue.

- Who are they?
- CLARA: Courtney Woods' mum and dad.

Can someone else do them first?

No problem, Ade.
I can cope with anything tonight.

Oh, happy days!

(RUMBLING)

(BEEPING)

(RHYTHMIC BEEPING)

No, no, no. No, no, no, no!

I would say yes, I'm afraid Courtney
is a disruptive influence.

Yeah, but last year you said
she was a very disruptive influence.

So, I suppose that counts
as an improvement.

(CLEARING THROAT)

DANNY: Excuse me, I think
the caretaker wants me.

Sorry, Mrs Christopholou,
I think the caretaker wants me, too.

What about my Angelina?

Yeah, she's great, yeah,
a really great girl, A-plus,

ten out often,
top of the class. Sorry.

Although, actually,
handwriting could be better.

I'm sure they'll be back in a moment.

Looks like our Courtney
was right about those two.

- What's happening?
- Clara, the vortex is opening.

You said Thursday night.
Right, hall, quick.

PE, shut up.

Clara, it'll scan the area,

if it gets to parents' evening,
it'll kill them all.

- We've got to evacuate.
- (SHOUTING) Shut up!

Quickly. What do I do?

It'll be here any second.
Get to the hall.

Give it some squirts of
helicon energy, setting number 41,

no more than three seconds each,
random pulses.

Distract it, then you lead it away
from the hall, give me two minutes.

- Then what?
- Just run straight to the Tardis.

But your gadget isn't ready yet.
Twenty-four hours, you said.

Yes, well, I've revised that down to
two minutes. Probably. Clara, go.

- On my way.
- You're using her like a decoy?

No, not like a decoy. As a decoy.

Don't they teach you anything
at stupid school?

Well, is there anything I can do?

Yes. Yes, and this is very,
very important.

Leave us alone!

BLITZER: Disrupt temporal lock.
Disengage scan.

Here we go.

- (LOUD RUMBLING)
- (SONIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRRING)

BLITZER: Incoming, stop. Identified,
helicon. Helicon. Commence retargeting.

BLITZER: Target acquired. Destroy.

Target within range.

Problem. Solution: destroy.

(EXPLOSION)

- Destroy. Destroy.
- Doctor, now, it's gotta be now!

Twenty seconds.

Destroy. Destroy.

Doctor!

(SCREAMING)

- Am I green? Am I green?
- You're green!

Stop! Skovox Blitzer!

Awaiting orders.

Superior Skovox Artificer.
Analyse, stop. Analyse, stop.

BLITZER: Superior recognised.
Pattern, 1-1-0. Orders. Orders.

Why's it listening to you?

Listening to its superior.
This is a rough copy.

It thinks I'm its general.

Initiate input.
Commence shutdown protocol.

No conflict. Conclusion?

BLITZER: Problem. Solution.

Conclusion?

BLITZER: Final input code missing.
Emergency terminate.

Initiate self-destruct in nine, eight...

The input code.
I forgot the final input code!

BLITZER: ...seven, six, five...

CLARA: Do it now!
DOCTOR: I need time. Distract it, Clara!

CLARA: Me? What can I do?
BLITZER: ...three, two, one...

DANNY: Oi, Skovox, over here.

(BEEPING)

BLITZER: Under attack.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Artificer. Artificer. 5 tap. Confirm.
Override final input code.

BLITZER: Code accepted.
Abort self-destruct.

Orders accepted. Stop. Stop. Stop.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, you were amazing!

Oh, my God, you were so brilliant!

Well, yeah, I was okay,
wasn't I? (CHUCKLING)

I was behind you every step of the way.

Had to make sure you were safe.

You okay?

Okay.

JUSt okay?

DANNY: It's all rig ht,
it doesn't matter.

I don't need him to like me.

It doesn't matter
if he likes me or hates me.

I just need to do
exactly one thing for you.

Doctor, am I right?

Yes.

What? What one thing?

I need to be good enough for you.

That's why he's angry.
Just in case I'm not.

He, uh...
He did just save the whole world.

DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah.

Good start.

Farewell, Skovox Blitzer.
Have a nice war.

So, Courtney Woods, impressed yet?

Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill.

Ah, it can be a bit overwhelming.

But look, the Olveron Cluster.

A million stars,
100 million inhabited planets.

(RETCHING)

(VOMITING)

Ah, yes, there has been a spillage.

(CHATTER ON TELEVISION)

So what do you think of him now?

- Of the Doctor?
- Yeah.

See, he's all right, isn't he, really?
Underneath it all.

(TURNING TELEVISION OFF)

Okay.

Tell me what you're thinking.

I know men like him.

I've served under them.

They push you and make you stronger,

till you're doing things
you never thought you could.

I saw you tonight,
you did exactly what he told you.

You weren't even scared.

And you should have been.

I trust him. He has never let me down.

Fine.

If he ever pushes you too far,
I want you to tell me

because I know what that's like.

- You'll tell me if that happens, yeah?
- Yeah, it's a deal.

- No. It's a promise.
- Okay, I promise.

And if you break that promise, Clara,
we're finished.

Don't say that.

I am saying it because
if you don't tell me the truth,

I can't help you and I could never
stand not being able to help you.

Are we clear?

Yes. We're clear.

(TURNING TELEVISION ON)

It was mad, it was like in a film
or on the telly,

like with science fiction guns.

Skovox Blitzer, sounds like.
We've had a few in from that.

- Wouldn't feel too bad.
- If I hadn't...

If I hadn't...

Hang on. That doesn't make sense.

Makes perfect sense to me.

How did I escape?
I don't remember how I got away.

Well, I was coming to that.
I'm afraid you really rather didn't.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Then how did I get here?

Well, big question.

Where am I?

What name would you like?
There's a range. The afterlife.

The Promised Land.
I'm partial to the Nethersphere.

MY God!

Sorry, she's a bit, uh, busy today.

So, any questions?

CLARA: Hello, Earth.
We have a terrible decision to make.

An innocent life versus
the future of all mankind.

DOCTOR: Whatever future
humanity might have

depends upon the choice that is made
right here, right now.

- (DOCTOR SCREAMING)
- (ALIEN SCREECHING)

(BEEPING)

Decision made.

(SCREECHING)
Ripped By mstoll