Doctor Who (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 0 - A Christmas Carol - full transcript

♪ Hark! The Herald Angels sing

♪ "Glory to the newborn king!"

♪ Peace on earth and mercy mild

♪ God and sinners reconciled

♪ Joyful, all ye nations, rise

♪ Join the triumph of the skies... ♪

Nothing there.

Oh!

This must be it.

Is there anything on my head?

- Er, well, yes.
- Describe it.



Well, you've sort of got antlers.

- Antlers?
- Yes, antlers.

- Antlers!
- Hm.

You are a time-space machine!

You're a vehicle!

I've never asked you to cheer me
up with hologrammatic antlers!

Thank you.

- Can I help you? - Yes, are you the surgeon?
- Close enough, why?

- Well, you know. - I don't know.
- There's a medical emergency.

Will there be singing?

- No.
- Fine, then.

- We weren't sure where you'd come down.
- Sorry? - In your capsule.

I'm never sure. I don't
like being sure about things.

One minute you're sure, the
next everybody turns into lizards



- and a piano falls on you.
- A piano?

It's been a long day.

Are you expecting a surgeon?

So what's the medical emergency?

Didn't you read the agreement?

There it is.

- What?
- There, that's it.

That's what?

Oh, the flying saucer.

Is that new?

Come on.

Well, you took your time.

Sorry, ma'am. This is him.

- This is the surgeon.
- Hello.

You don't look much like your pictures.

That's an ongoing problem for me.

Doesn't look very impressive, does he?

Nardole, what HAVE you
brought to my doorstep?

- I've had a haircut, this is my best suit.
- It's not even a suit.

- Do I know you?
- You most certainly do not.

And now that you've met me, you'll
do your very best to forget me.

River!

Oi! Dr Song to you.

Sometimes Professor, but mainly Doctor.

Don't use my name. Ever.

- How do you know me?
- Well, it's a tiny bit complicated.

- People usually need a flowchart.
- It doesn't matter.

If either of you use my name again,

I will remove your organs
in alphabetical order.

- Any questions?
- Which alphabet?

- Sorry, you really didn't want these questions, did you?
- This way.

We don't have a lot of time.

- What seems to be the problem?
- My husband.

Your husband?

Didn't you read my
message? My husband, yes.

My husband is dying.

Something wrong?

I think I'm going to
need a bigger flowchart.

Husband, I return to you.

Where is my queen?

Never far from you, my love.

Aahhh.

No, wait.

- That's your husband?
- Listen, you are being watched

by four billion people.

You are surrounded by warrior
monks with sentient laser swords,

genetically engineered anger
problems and not enough to do.

Best just stay still and
keep your hands by your side.

No, wait...

- THAT's your husband?
- My husband, your patient.

King Hydroflax.

Yes, that's who you're
married to, not anybody else?

My love, attend me, woman!

I fly to you.

Is there a problem?

- Right, so you don't recognise me, then?
- Why would I recognise you?

Oh, no reason.

I don't like him. Do you like him?

Don't cross your arms.

He's a lying-down person.

I don't like lying-down
people. It's so untidy.

- Keep your arms by your side, like she said.
- My one true love!

The only husband I will ever have.

My time with you has been too short.

You have given me days of adventure

and many nights of passion.

- Oh-oh!
- Why d'you keep crossing them?

- Because they cross, I've got cross arms.
- The end is near. I feel it.

Forgive me, my lord. I have
acted against your instructions.

- My love?
- If you die this day, this galaxy will drown in tears.

Look at them... your people!

They watch and hope and pray.

With so much at stake, I followed
my heart. I disobeyed your orders...

and sent for the finest
surgeon in the galaxy!

This might be an alarming
question in the circumstance,

but... you really do think
I'm a surgeon, don't you?

Oh...

OK, calm down, keep it together.

Don't make puddles.

Surgeon. Attend your patient.

Oh!

Any tiny hint of species he might be?

OK, never mind, you just stay there.

You're probably going to need a mop.

- Bow.
- Sorry, what?

You are in the presence of his
Infinite Majesty, King Hydroflax.

- You will bow.
- Oh, no, I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't do that.

- You what?
- It's my back.

- Your back?
- Yeah, my back's playing up.

It simply refuses to carry the weight

of an entirely pointless
stratum of society

who contribute nothing
of worth to the world

and crush the hopes and
dreams of working people.

Can you save me, Surgeon?

Well, that depends upon
what's wrong with you.

- There's something in his brain.
- You could have fooled me.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, just gallows humour.
Probably the wrong word.

- Yeah, I would say it is.
- My love, you must rest.

The surgeon and I will
discuss the procedure.

Prepare, master of my life, to live anew.

Patience be with you all.

Our King will rise again!

Our King will rise again.

Our King will rise again!

Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

All right, enough of
this. The joke's over.

- What joke?
- Look at me.

Why?

I'm the Doctor.

You'd better be, you've got
an operation to perform.

Here's the entry wound, just
below the hairline. And...

there's the projectile.

It should have killed him
straight off, but he's very strong.

- That's not a bullet.
- It's a diamond.

- How did it get in there?
- At speed.

Do you recognise it?

- No!
- Yes.

- The Halassi Androvar.
- The very same.

Hydroflax was leading the
raid on the Halassi vaults.

In the ensuing firefight, the
whole thing blew up in his face,

with the result that he now
has the most valuable diamond

in the universe lodged three
inches inside his enormous head.

So...

can you remove it?

It's very small, it might be
difficult to manoeuvre it.

Not the diamond.

His head!

- His head?
- Yes.

I think it would be easier just to
remove the whole thing, don't you?

- Wouldn't that kill him?
- You're the medical expert, but I'd say so, yes.

- Your husband?
- Sort of. - Sort of?

I basically married the diamond.

- The Halassi want their diamond back, so they came to me.
- Why?

- I'm an archaeologist.
- Slash murderer slash thief.

An archaeologist IS just a thief.

With patience. Never had much of that.

It'll fit in here, don't you
think? I've checked it for leaks.

- Is this what you're like when I'm not...?
- Not what?

You're talking about murdering someone.

No, I'm not. I'm actually
murdering someone.

Cheer up, get a saw, I'll kill
the lights, you kill the patient.

I employed you! You agreed to this.

Do you not know who that man is?

King Hydroflax, the butcher
of the Bone Meadows,

who ends his battles by eating
his enemies, dead or alive.

The murder of a creature like that

wouldn't weigh heavily on my
conscience, even if I had one.

What's that face?

Are you... thinking?

- Stop it, you're a man, it looks weird.
- I need more information.

- For what?
- For my diagnosis.

He's dying. We're about to steal his head

and scoop out his brains.
Aren't we overthinking?

I'll be the judge of that.

I'm the Doctor.

You know who you remind me of?

Yes, probably a chap with a big...

My second wife.

Darling!

You're up and about!

- False wife!
- How much better you're looking!

You plan to take my head.

Never crossed my mind. Is this your bag?

Perhaps you should have just asked.

Well! I wondered why we
didn't share a bathroom.

You married a cyborg and
you didn't even know it.

I'll have you flogged
and flayed and burnt.

I will crush every last remnant
of you from this universe.

How dare you! I'm your wife.

- You planned to murder me!
- Don't change the subject.

Why are you doing this? Who ARE you?

I'm Professor River Song.

You have an ancient artefact
of great value to good people,

and whatever it takes, I'm
going to bring it home to them.

You have stolen so much
from so many, King Hydroflax,

and I'm the woman who's
going to steal it all back.

What are you?!

I'm an archaeologist.

Look! I've got a trowel.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Do not harm her!

If you know what's good for you,
do not lay a finger on that woman.

Ignore him. Attack!

- Garbage disposal, right? Get ready
to say, "Whee!" - Put me down.

Back off from River
Song. Give the order now.

Get yourself under control.

Do not attack the female.

Nobody move, or the head gets it!

- Do you really have a shooty trowel?
- It's sonic.

Sonic trowel, you realise
how ridiculous that sounds?

- Their threats are empty! Destroy them!
- Negative.

- 78 percent of significant tissue damage.
- Do as you're told!

Decision overruled.
Recommendation... chill.

Look at that, your body's
got a mind of its own.

More like an on board computer
for the cybernetic component.

Plus in-built flash drive and
vernacular friendly interface.

- Cyber co-pilot.
- Mobile life support.

- Sexy.
- It's not sexy.

- Absolutely sexy.
- Why is everything sexy now?

Speaking of which... Ramone, prep
for emergency extraction, two to go.

- 'Standing by for teleport.'
- Put it in the bag. - Sorry?

- The head. Put it in the bag.
- Do not put me in the bag.

Quickly, do it. Ramone,
20 seconds to jump.

I will not be placed into a bag!

Stop shouting a minute
if you want to go face-up.

You will be crushed!
You will be destroyed!

- You will beg my infinite mercy!
- Oh, zip it!

Try to follow me and I'll
put him in a blender.

Ramone, now.

They will be tracked. They will be found.

Agh! Ohh!

Ramone! Just once, can
you get the height right?

'Sorry, Professor.'

When I escape, I will bring
terror to you and your family.

There is no escape from the...

'I'm on it. The capsule is really close.'

Is something funny?

Who dares laugh at Hydroflax?

You shall be crushed! You
shall scream in fear!

- Let me out of this bag!
- This is a serious mission in a critical phase.

There is nothing to laugh about here.

We're being threatened by
a bag! By a head in a bag!

I shall make dust of you. My
enemies are meat for the devouring!

I can't approve of any of this, but
I haven't laughed in a long time.

- Good for you.
- Prepare to die in agony and submit to my supremacy!

Unzip this bag!

- You know, don't you?
- Know what?

Stop pretending. You know who I am.

- Who are you?
- You know who I am, it's... it's... it's me. - Great.

Who ARE you?

Professor Song!

Sorry, Professor, sorry
about the height thing.

Prove it.

Ugh!

Doesn't it get dull after a while?

As an activity, it's not
hugely varied, is it?

I'm so sorry.

This is my husband, Ramone.

Another one?

- Are you going to kill him, too?
- We're not actually married.

- We are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.
- Why?

You were being annoying. So,
the Damsel, do we have a fix?

Found the capsule just over in the
village, but I can't locate Damsel.

- I've looked everywhere.
- Who's Damsel? - Have you been thorough?

It's not easy... he does have 12 faces.

None of these men are here. Are
you sure it's one of these?

Yes! He only has these 12 faces.
He'll be around here somewhere.

This is the closest intersection
with the Doctor's timeline.

That's why I crashed
Hydroflax's ship here.

- Damsel.
- Codename... "Damsel in Distress".

Apparently, he needs a lot of rescuing.

What if he has a face that
you don't know about yet?

He has limits.

Well, then, let's go find him.

- You are in league with the former Queen.
- She employed me!

- I didn't really know anything.
- You have information.

Oh, hardly anything, really. A tiny bit.

You will give this information to us.

- Oh, absolutely! Course I will.
- We will take the information.

Anything you like.

- I'll even write it down for you.
- That will not be necessary.

You will be uploaded. We
apologise for the inconvenience.

Uploaded? How?

Recommendation...

hold still.

Ooh-ooh!

No, this is no good. I don't like this.

- Your cooperation is appreciated.
- I never agreed!

No, this is unfair.

Pursuit now commences.

This is too tall!

I'm afraid of heights.

Recommendation... close your eyes.

Aaargh!

What if we can't find him? We
need to get you off-world now.

"Off-world"? People never
say that. Are you new?

We can't hang around
waiting, he could be ages.

Yes, he's probably off
rebuilding a civilisation

or defeating giant robot fish...

- We'll just have to steal it.
- .. from the ninth dimension. Sorry, what?

The hopper is really close,

- we'd be out of here in less than ten minutes.
- I need time travel.

- I need this TARDIS!
- I'm sorry, the word "steal",

- somebody said "steal".
- Yes.

We're going to steal this box.
Hush, you wouldn't understand.

You can't.

- Why can't I?
- You can't just steal a TA... a box. - Why not?

- Look, it says "Police".
- I have a key.

OK, this Damsel person, he sounds...
he sounds pretty dangerous...

ish.

It's a... time... machine.

I can take it, do whatever I
want for as long as I like

and pop it back a second later,
he'll never know it was gone.

- Yes, he will.
- How?

- He'll just know.
- Well, he's never noticed before.

Maybe... he'll notice now.

I'll see you on Temple Beach.

I've already picked out your swimwear.

- OK, but be careful.
- Absolutely not.

You, with me. Bring the head.

Please, look after her for me.

Oh, before you come in, you'd
better prepare yourself for a shock.

It's not as... snug as it looks.

Finally.

Finally?

It's my go.

Oh... my... God!

It's bigger!

- Well, yes.
- On the inside!

- We need to concentrate.
- Than it is!

I know where you're going with
this, but I need you to calm down.

- On the outside!
- You've certainly grasped the essentials.

My entire understanding of physical
space has been transformed!

Three-dimensional Euclidean
geometry has been torn up,

thrown in the air and snogged to death!

My grasp of the universal
constants of physical reality

has been changed...

forever.

Sorry.

I've always wanted to
see that done properly.

Would you like a drink? Aldebaran brandy.

Help yourself, but don't tell Dad.

What's that noise?

It seems to have powered
down, conserving batteries.

It's an in-built life-support system.

- I'm not sure what powers it, but...
- I really don't care.

- What's that noise?
- I don't know. A signal? Distress call?

- Homing beacon. - Possibly.
- So the rest of him is coming?

- He must be very cross... he's lost his head.
- Time we were off then.

- You're doing it wrong.
- I am certainly not.

Not those levers.

Hush.

- You probably want to press that button.
- Why?!

That evacuates the waste
tank on deck seven.

- Does it?
- What is wrong with you?

Better avoid deck seven then.

Something's interfering with the engines,

which is technically not possible.

- Maybe.
- How would you know?

Maybe the engines are
interfering with themselves.

Wild theory, but what if this
machine had certain safeguards.

For instance, maybe it can't take
off when a life form registers

as being both inside and
outside at the same time?

Head and body.

Which would mean... and again,
I'm just wildly theorising here...

that's the door would not engage properly.

Of course. It can't seal
the real-time envelope.

Hence it can't take off.

Not when someone is in
and out at the same time.

- I mean, that just wouldn't be good manners, would it?
- You're very quick.

Yes.

For a Doctor.

Yes.

Seriously?

Hello?

Hello, is that you?

- Nardole, is that you?
- It's me, yes.

- Please, you've got to help me.
- What's wrong? Where are you?

In the alleyway. Can't you
see me? Come a bit closer.

- What are you doing there?
- Help me.

Are you injured?

Well, er... yes.

Sorry. So sorry. It made me!

- Nardole, why are you pointing a gun at your own head?
- It's not my head!

- Well, it is my head, but it's not my gun.
- What happened to you? - Please.

Just do as it says.

It's signalling.

- We have to assume the body is homing in on this.
- So, how do we stop it?

Well, we could chop his head off.

- Oh, look...
- Does sarcasm help?

- Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?
- So, summing up,

it's coming, we can't take off,

- we can't seal the doors.
- Yep.

So... we just kill the head, right?

- You can't shoot the head in the face!
- Why not?

Aaarrgh!

Go on, then, tell him to put his hands up.

- Do not fire if you value your lives.
- Why, what are you going to do?

Kill me, and my body will burn.

- Burn what?
- This world!

Inquiry... are you acquainted
with the criminal River Song?

That wasn't me, that was him!

Repeat, are you acquainted
with the criminal River Song?

Please, just answer it.

Yes.

You will take River Song a message.

What message?

Suppose we believe you... how?

My body contains a split
quantum actualiser.

A perpetually stabilised black
hole... that's your power source.

What sort of medical school did you go to?

- A really good one for doctors.
- More than a power source.

- If necessary, a bomb.
- So you could wipe out this solar system.

- It wouldn't be the first.
- It would be your last.

- A fitting end for the glory of Hydroflax.
- So, why haven't you threatened this before?

A king does not endanger
his people for no reason.

- You're endangering them now.
- I'm cross.

Dr Song, are you there?

- I have a message for you.
- Ramone! Get in here!

- Ahh!
- You're going to die!

- Kill her. - No!
- Put her down.

Kill her now!

Death initiating.

I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry!

Stop them! Stop them!

- Where are we going?
- Get the hell out!

- Stop them!
- Death initiating.

- You set the coordinates... where for?
- Just get the damn head!

Kill them! Destroy them!

- Kill them!
- Here.

With me.

- Where are we? - This way, come on.
- What about the box?

Stop holding my hand,
people don't do that to me.

- Hush.
- Don't hush me.

I'm not a hushing person.

'We are currently cruising
at warp factor 12.'

'Traversing the fourth galaxy
of our seven-galaxy cruise.'

'Next is the Andromeda galaxy.'

'Supernova approaching now to starboard.'

Ah, Dr Song.

Your table is ready.

Flemming! How are the twins?

Still digesting their mother,
thank you for asking.

- I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony.
- Oh, there were tears.

And just a hint of screaming.

Er, Flemming, I wonder,

could you deadlock seal
the baggage hold for me?

It's a little irregular. The other
passengers might want access.

Do you remember that time I
was transporting dragon eggs?

Consider it done.

Is the gentleman here for dinner?

- Yes, he is.
- Excellent!

- I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.
- No, you won't.

He will in fact be joining me to eat.

I was about to suggest that
force-feeding might be required.

This way. Oh, may I take your bag?

Oh, no, that's fine, Thanks.

Sorry. It was my stomach.

I have an irritable bowel.

My revenge will be merciless!

- I will rip you open and devour you!
- It's having a day.

You cannot escape!

- This way.
- Your actions will not go unpunished!

Here.

- Ow!
- I don't suppose you mind if I freshen up.

- Not bad for 200, eh?
- 200?

I have an augmented lifespan. Long story.

- So, what's the occasion?
- I've got the diamond, now it's time to sell it.

I thought you were returning
it to the Halassi?

Tell me, were you born boring,
or did you have to work at it?

Where did you find a buyer?

Look around you.

The starship Harmony And Redemption,

minimum ticket price one billion credits,

plus the provable murder of
multiple innocent life forms.

Suites are reserved for planet-burners.

Thank you.

Even the staff are required
to have a verifiable history

of indiscriminate slaughter.

This is where genocide comes
to kick back and relax.

Do try the fish.

Mr Flemming, there's an issue.

Why are you frowning?

How did you know?

It's audible.

Deadlock seals can be broken.

By geniuses.

Hydroflax has a brain the size of a pea

and it's currently under the table.

He's gone back to sleep, I think.

- You married him, though.
- I told you, I married the diamond.

- How?
- I posed as his nurse.

- Took me a week.
- To fall in love?

It's the easiest lie you can tell a man.

They'll automatically believe
any story they're the hero of.

River, there's, er...

there's something I
should probably tell you.

Dr Song, your guest has docked,

he should be with you
in a very few minutes.

- Thank you. Whenever he's ready.
- Of course.

What's the book?

Oh, it's my diary.

One should always have something
sensational to read on a spaceship.

Is it sad?

- Why would a diary be sad?
- I don't know, it's just that...

you look sad.

It's nearly full.

So?

The man who gave me this was
the sort of man who'd know

exactly how long a diary
you were going to need.

He sounds awful.

I suppose he is. I've never
really thought about it.

Not somebody special then?

No.

But terribly useful every now and then.

Please! I just need you
to get me out of here.

He's in the main hold, sir,
but you've deadlocked it.

If you don't mind be observing,
sir, you do seem a little nervous.

Is someone threatening you?

I'm the only one here.

- Confirmed, sir, there's only one reading in the hold.
- I'm on my way.

- Be careful, sir.
- Don't worry, I'll just stick my head round the door.

- So who is this buyer?
- No idea, he just responded to the advert.

- Which of you is Song?
- Who wants to know?

I am Scratch.

Don't need your name. Are
you empowered to purchase?

I represent the Shoal
of the Winter Harmony.

Don't care, don't want to know.
I'll need immediate payment.

- Can you do that?
- And could you either sit down

or fetch us the wine list or something?

- You have the diamond?
- Of course I have the diamond.

Show me the money.

Just a thought, you probably
shouldn't do that in a restaurant.

Once instructed, this will
transfer the necessary funds

- to whatever account you choose.
- Thank you.

The diamond.

You're going to have to dig for it a bit,

but somehow I don't think that's
going to be a problem for you.

- Is this a deception?
- No. The diamond is in there.

This is a public place,
there won't be any tricks.

This is not a public place.

- Block booking, that's clever.
- You needn't have bothered.

I've brought what you want.

Please do assume that I
have also taken precautions,

and don't do anything that might
make me cross and kill you.

Statement accepted.

The diamond is here?

The payment, then.

100 billion credits. As we agreed.

- This accesses all the banks in the galaxy.
- Thank you.

Here you go, then.

You may need to use a spoon or
knitting needle or something.

- Be it known, we do not do this for ourselves.
- I really don't care.

We do it in honour of our
distant and loving King,

who once visited our
world in blood and joy.

Well, isn't that lovely?

We honour thee, we prostrate
ourselves in your name...

Hydroflax.

Hydroflax!

For love of thee, we do
this thing today. Hydroflax.

Hydroflax!

Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

Hydroflax!

Give it. Give us the treasure.

Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

What is wrong?

Er... well, er...

awkward.

- I beg of you, not my head!
- Information is required.

You know of River Song, wife of Hydroflax?

I do. I know River Song of old.

And if you spare me, I'll tell
you who she's really married to.

- Explain.
- You need a head.

I can get you a head... fit for a king.

Why do you delay? We have
paid, we will receive.

Yes, you will.

Of... by jingo, you will, yes, of course.

- But obviously, we have to, you know, er, check some...
- Things.

Things. There are things that have
to be checked before I get it to you.

If we don't check the thing, then...

We will receive!

Yes, you will receive, and here it is.

Now, on its way.

- This small distance.
- We will receive!

Here you go.

And you can have the bag as well.

You know, it's been... lovely.

But we don't want to intrude
on this special moment,

so why don't we just leave
you with the new baby...?

You will remain.

Is that strictly necessary?

I do not like... surprises.

Well, it's going to be a funny old day.

Oh, boy.

You know what? I just can't stand
idly by and let this continue.

Death has been done this day!

Noble blood has been spilled.

And our tears will surely follow.

The sky shall crack,

the ground shall heave,

and even the rocks and the stones

shall weep their rage.

Behold!

The head of Hydroflax!

Rest now, sweet prince.

Walk amongst us nevermore.

Shall we start the bidding at 200 billion?

I'm sorry, Professor Song,

but we really couldn't keep this
treasure from the truly devout.

My apologies to the truly devout.

- Shall we find out who is the most truly devout?
- This is heresy!

- 200 over there.
- 250 million by the sweet trolley.

Silence! This is not our way.

It doesn't say much for your king if
you can't put a price on his head.

Let us see what the
king himself has to say.

Aaargh!

Quick!

Professor Song! Has the
food disappointed you?

At last, I am whole again.

Come to me, my body.

Well? Put me back.

Scan in progress.

You don't need to scan
me, just put me back.

Tissue deterioration now irreversible.

What are you going to do about that?

Additional, the projectile inside
your brain continues to move.

Prognosis... death in seven minutes.

Well, I refuse.

King Hydroflax does not accept death.

Orders requested.

Whatever I need to survive, do it. Now.

- Orders accepted. You need a new head.
- No!

No. Not a new head!

Orders implementing.

No. No...!

I don't suppose you could fetch
that over for me, could you?

As I was saying, Your Majesty.

Well, your remaining Majesty.

If it's a new head you're after,
this is the guide to the very best.

- Don't touch that. Give that back to me.
- The diary of River Song.

The ultimate guide to the
Time Lord known as the Doctor.

Don't you dare touch that!

Long live the King.

"The Pandorica Opens."

Ooh, that sounds exciting.

And goodness me, a picnic at Asgard.

Some people really know
how to snack, don't they?

You should know, I have a
significant history of escaping.

"The Crash of the Byzantium."
Didn't they make a movie of that?

And when I do, I'm going to kill you.

Oh, Jim the Fish! Well,
we all know Jim the Fish.

And the longer you spend reading my diary,

the longer I'm going to take.

And you've just been to Manhattan.

What planet is that?

So do, please, keep going.

This is irrelevant.

If I may intrude, Your Majesty.

The Doctor is a legendary
being of remarkable power

and an infinite number of faces.

His head, I assure you, would
be your crowning achievement.

Besides which, many of
us on this ship would be

happy to see his career cut
off, as it were, at the neck.

Proceed faster, or YOUR
head will be taken!

I would give my head with gladness.

This woman is the known
consort of the Doctor.

Confirmation required. Uploading.

Ooh. Ooh!

Is River Song the consort of the
Time Lord known as the Doctor?

Huh?

I think so, yeah.

Here, can I stay up for a bit?
It's really very whiffy down there.

Aww!

Oh, it's awful!

So, where is the Doctor now?

I haven't the faintest idea.

- Is that credible?
- It's true.

- You're the woman he loves.
- No, I'm not. - She's lying.

The Doctor does not and has
never loved me. I'm not lying.

- Confirmed. The life form is not lying.
- Impossible. This is a trick.

- No, it isn't.
- My information is correct.

You are the woman who loves the Doctor.

Yes, I am. I've never denied it.

But whoever said he loved me back?

He's the Doctor, he doesn't go
around falling in love with people.

And if you think he's anything
that small or that ordinary,

then you haven't the first idea
of what you're dealing with.

Your Majesty, I assure you,
she is the perfect bait.

When this woman is in danger,
the Doctor will always come.

Oh, you are a moron. No, he won't.

- He's probably already here.
- No, he isn't, of course he isn't!

- Possibly on this ship.
- Well, go on, scan it then.

Go on, why don't you?

- River...
- Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him.

- River!
- Go on, scan the whole parsec! He's not here.

God knows where he is right now,
but I promise you, he's doing

whatever the hell he wants and
not giving a damn about me!

And I'm just fine with that.

- River...
- When you love the Doctor,

it's like loving the stars themselves.

You don't expect a
sunset to admire you back.

And if I happen to find myself
in danger, let me tell you,

the Doctor is not stupid
enough, or sentimental enough,

and he is certainly not in love enough

to find himself standing in it with me!

Hello, sweetie.

- You are so doing those roots.
- What, the roots of the sunset?

- Don't you dare!
- I'll have to check with the stars themselves.

Shut up! I was just keeping
them talking till it kicks off.

- What is this conversation? Explain.
- You keep out of this.

- We need to get to work.
- OK, what have you got?

Four exits, two concealed,
one in the ceiling.

- There's also one in the floor.
- No, I don't like it.

- Too close to the engine ducts?
- A bit too tight.

I hope you're not being personal.

Excuse me, what are you talking about?

Hush, Mummy and Daddy are busy.

There we are.

- Two o'clock, here we go.
- Cease this conversation.

Darling, in the event of a
sudden meteor strike on the lower

starboard decks, where would you
say is the safest place to stand?

- Meteor strikes?
- Exactly here, I should think.

- D'you know what that isn't? A coincidence.
- Your escape plan.

- It's cheaper than a taxi.
- What meteor strike?

'Alert. Meteor storm imminent.'

- That meteor strike.
- How could you know?

I'm an archaeologist from the future.

I dug you up.

See you in 400 years.

I had this book. History's
Finest Exploding Restaurants.

The best food for free. Skip the coffee.

- What do you think, by the way?
- Of what? - My new body.

I'll let you know. I've
only seen the face.

How have you got a new one, by
the way? Aren't there rules?

- A thing happened.
- I bet it probably did.

'Starboard decks compromised.
Please abandon ship.'

The diamond?

- Good, aren't I?
- I'm not sure good's the word. - Better not be.

- We need to get this ship stabilised. Where's the bridge?
- This way.

'Please abandon ship.'

'Please abandon ship.'

- We also need to stop that.
- Toss for it.

- I'll take the robot, you drive.
- OK.

- Oh, don't stop for strangers.
- Look who's talking.

- What's the point? It's over.
- I will take your head.

What for? We're on a crashing
spaceship and I don't even know

if I can save it. You just shot
your own king in your own face.

- You'd get beheaded if you had one.
- I will take yours.

King Hydroflax will live again.

Do you know what you need?

Do you know what any decent
headless king needs? Money.

This connects every bank to
every other bank in this galaxy.

Right here in my hand.
All the money you can eat.

Demonstrate.

With pleasure.

Welcome to all the best
firewalls in the galaxy.

Nothing is protected like money.

Every stock market within a light
year is arguing in your head.

I do not understand.

Ha-ha! That's the way
it is for most people.

Do not understand. Do not understand.

- He had a bad day on the market.
- Do not understand.

Do not understand.

Sorry, I appreciate that wasn't very
funny, but I couldn't help saying it.

Do not understand. Do not under...

'Surface impact in two minutes.'

Where's everyone else?

- They ran for it. So should we.
- We need to get the nav com back online.

- And re-route the thrusters.
- I'm trying.

- So, King Hydroflax?
- Oh, how many times? I married the diamond.

- So you say. - Elizabeth I. - Ramone.
- Marilyn Monroe. - Stephen Fry.

- Cleopatra!
- Same thing.

Hang on a minute.

- I recognise that planet.
- Well, that's nice!

Maybe they'll name the crater after us(!)

That's Darillium!

Always good to know where we're going.

- Could you concentrate on your work, please?
- You know...

the Singing Towers.

Yes, I'll be sure to give
them a wave as we zoom past.

You always say you're going
to take me there for dinner

and then you always
cancel at the last minute.

- I'd quite like to cancel this time too, if at all possible.
- Argh!

What are you doing? That's
the internal teleport.

Yes.

- I can use the power cell to push the thrusters.
- Really? How?

Hold this, quickly.

Well, I don't see what good this will do.

Sorry, River.

- Crashing spaceships, that's my job.
- You...

No, you don't!

More power! You can do it, you can do it.

No, River, no, no, no, no!

- Get back in the TARDIS! This is my job!
- This is MY job!

- I've been doing it longer.
- I do it better.

River, not one person on this
ship, not one living thing,

- is worth you.
- Or you.

'Surface impact in ten, nine, eight...'

- Teensy bit close.
- Yeah, sort of.

- Darling, shall we pop back indoors?
- Yeah, good idea.

'.. Four, three, two, one.'

Indestructible as ever.

Married the diamond(!)

Hello? Sir...

the ship, it came down, did you see it?
- Yes, I did.

I've been searching for survivors.

I doubt if you'd find any.
And I don't think any of them

would be worth it, if that's a comfort.

Brave of you to try, though. Well done.

Thank you, sir.

Those are the Singing Towers, aren't they?

Yes, sir, but it's just the wind.

The Singing Towers of Darillium.

- Here we are at last.
- Sir?

You know what?

They should build a restaurant right
here, with a view of those towers.

You could make a lot of money
that way. You should do that.

You'd need a lot of
money to begin with, sir.

The Halassi Androvar...

I think you'll find that the
reward is pretty substantial.

- Why would you give me this, sir?
- (Restaurant!)

Excuse me, um, I'd like
a table on the balcony

- with a view of the towers.
- I'm sorry, sir,

the first available slot I have is
Christmas Day in four years' time.

Not a problem.

- Professor Song! The Doctor is waiting for you on the balcony.
- Oh.

- Excellent.
- This way, ma'am.

- Do we have a good table?
- The finest in all the galaxy, ma'am.

Ah.

Er, one moment.

- Ramone?
- Professor Song. The Doctor will be with you in a moment.

- What are you doing here?
- They pulled us from the wreckage, ma'am.

Fixed us up. I've been
working here ever since.

Don't worry.

The nasty part's all gone...
got deleted in the merger.

- What about Nardole?
- Oh, merry Christmas, ma'am.

Yeah, good to see you again.

- Merry Christmas, Nardole!
- Sorry I'm off duty.

I'm just having some me time.

- I imagine that must be quite a challenge.
- Yes, ma'am.

So, Ramone...

you have a metal body now.

Down, girl!

- Now, that, my dear, IS a suit.
- Happy Christmas.

Really?

I don't think you've ever
given me a present before.

It's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely!

When I saw the sonic trowel,

I thought it was just
embarrassing, but, look.

Oh, thank you.

You look, er, amazing.

Doctor, you have no idea
whether I look amazing or not.

- Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?
- Well done.

- It's very sweet of you to try.
- So what do you think?

The Singing Towers.

The music.

Listen to it.

Are you crying?

No.

Just the wind.

Nothing's ever just the wind.

No?

It blows through the cave system

and harmonises with the crystal layer.

Why are you sad?

Why are YOU sad?

I told you, my diary's nearly full.

I worry.

Please don't.

- There are stories about us, you know.
- Oh, I dread to think.

- I look them up sometimes.
- You really shouldn't do that.

Some of them suggest that...

the very last night we spend together

is at the Singing Towers of Darillium.

That wouldn't be true, would it?

Spoilers.

Well, that would explain why
you kept cancelling coming here.

- Do you remember that time...
- River, stop. - .. When there were two of you...

- Don't. - .. Because I want you to
know that if this is the last night,

I expect you to find a way round it.

Not everything can be avoided.

Not forever.

But you're you.

There's always a loophole,
you wait until the last minute

- and then you spring it on me.
- Every night is the last night

- for something, every Christmas is the last Christmas...
- But you will.

You'll wait until I've given
up hope, all will be lost,

and you'll do that smug little smile

and then you'll save the
day... you always do.

No, I don't, not always.

Times end, River, because they have to.

Because there's no such
thing as happy ever after.

It's just a lie we tell ourselves
because the truth is so hard.

No, Doctor...

you're wrong.

Happy ever after doesn't mean forever.

It just means time...

a little time.

But that's not the sort of thing
you could ever understand, is it?

Mmm.

- What do you think of the towers?
- I love them.

- Then why are you ignoring them?
- They're ignoring me.

But then... you can't expect
a monolith to love you back.

No, you can't.

They've been there for millions of years,

through storms and floods
and wars and... time.

Nobody really understands
where the music comes from.

It's probably something to
do with the precise positions,

the distance between both towers.

Even the locals aren't sure.

All anyone will ever tell you is

that when the wind stands fair
and the night is perfect...

when you least expect it...

but always...

when you need it the most...

there is a song.

So...

assuming tonight is all we have left...

- I didn't say that.
- .. how long...

is a night on Darillium?

24 years.

I hate you.

No, you don't.