Doctor Who (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Smith and Jones - full transcript

RETAIL SUB
You're up early! What's happening?
It's a nightmare 'cause Dad won't listen and I'm telling you, Mum's going mental.
Swear to God, Martha, this is epic. You got to get in there and stop him.
- How do I do that? - Tell Dad he can't bring her.
Hold on, that's Leo. I'll call you back.
Martha, if Mum and Dad start to kick off,
tell them I don't even want a party. I didn't even ask for one.
They can always give me the money instead.
Why do I have to tell them? Why can't you?
Hold on, that's Mum. I'll call you back.
I don't mind your father making a fool of himself in private,
but this is Leo's 21 st. Everyone is going to be there,
and the entire family is going to look ridiculous.
Mum, it's a party. I can't stop Dad from bringing his girlfriend.
Hold on, that's Dad. I'll call you back.
Martha, now tell your mother.
Leo is my son, and I'm paying for half that party.
I'm entitled to bring who I like.
I know, but think what it's going to look like for Mum
if you're standing there with Annalise.
What's wrong with Annalise?
Is that Martha? Say hi!
Hi, Martha! Hi!
Hi, Annalise.
Big kiss! Lots of love! See you at the party, babes!
Now take me shopping, big boy.
Like so!
See?
Oi! Watch it, mate!
I was all right till this morning, and then...
I don't know, I woke up and I felt all dizzy again.
It was worse than when I came in.
Pulse is slightly thready.
Well, let's see what Britain's finest might suggest. Any ideas, Morgenstern?
Er, dizziness could be a sign of early onset diabetes.
Hardly early onset, if you'll forgive me, Miss Finnegan.
Any more ideas? Swales?
Um...
- Could recommend a CT scan. - And spend all our money?
Jones?
We could take bloods and check for M?ni?re's disease.
Or we could simply ask the patient.
What did you have for dinner last night?
I had salad.
- And the night before? - Salad, again.
And salad every night for the past week, contrary to my instructions.
A salt deficiency, that's all.
Simple, honest salt.
Hippocrates himself expounded on the virtues of salt.
Recommended the inhalation of steam from sea water.
Though no doubt if he'd been afflicted with my students,
his oaths might have been rather more colourful.
Now then, Mr Smith, a very good morning to you. How are you today?
Oh, not so bad. Still a bit, you know... Blah.
John Smith, admitted yesterday with severe abdominal pains.
Jones, why don't you see what you can find? Amaze me.
It wasn't very clever running around outside, was it?
- Sorry? - On Chancellor Street, this morning.
- Came up to me and took your tie off. - Really? What did I do that for?
I don't know, you just did.
Not me. I was here in bed. Ask the nurses.
Well, that's weird 'cause it looked like you.
- Have you got a brother? - No, not any more. Just me.
As time passes and I grow ever more infirm and weary, Miss Jones...
Sorry.
Right.
I weep for future generations.
Are you having trouble locating the heart, Miss Jones?
Um, I don't know. Stomach cramps?
That is a symptom, not a diagnosis.
And you rather failed basic techniques
by not consulting first with the patient's chart.
That happened to me this morning.
I had the same thing on the door handle.
- And me, in the lift. - Well, it's only to be expected.
There's a thunderstorm moving in
and lightning is a form of static electricity,
as was first proven by... Anyone?
Benjamin Franklin.
Correct.
My mate, Ben. That was a day and a half. I got rope burns off that kite.
- And then I got soaked. - Quite.
And then I got electrocuted!
Moving on.
I think perhaps a visit from psychiatric.
And next, we have Mr...
No, listen, I've worked out a plan.
We tell Annalise that the buffet tonight is 100?x? carbohydrate,
and she won't turn up.
I wish you'd take this seriously.
That's our inheritance she's spending on fake tan.
Tell you what, I'm not that far away.
I'll meet you for a sandwich, we can draw up a battle plan.
What, in this weather? I'm not going out, it's pouring down.
It's not raining here.
God, that's weird. It's raining right on top of you.
- I can see it, but it's dry where I am. - Well, you just got lucky.
No, but it's like in cartoons, when a man's got a cloud over his head.
Yeah, but listen, I'll tell you what we do...
We tell Dad and Annalise to get there early, about 7:30,
and we tell Leo to get there at the same time
so we can do all that birthday stuff.
We tell Mum to get there for about 8:30-9:00,
then that gives me time to have a word with Annalise and...
What?
- The rain. - It's only rain.
Martha, have you seen the rain?
Why is everyone fussing about rain?
It's going up.
The rain is going up.
What the hell was that?
Are you all right?
I think so, yeah.
It felt like an earthquake or...
Martha, it's night.
- But it was lunch time... - It's not night.
But it's got to be. It's dark.
- We're on the moon! - Can't be.
We're on the moon.
We're on the bloody moon.
I'm sorry, miss, no.
Oh, my God.
Martha? Martha, can you hear me?
Martha?
Somebody help! Somebody help me!
- Have you seen... - I'm sorry, I can't.
All right now, everyone, back to bed.
We've got an emergency, but we'll sort it out. Don't worry.
It's real. It's really real.
- Hold on. - Don't! We'll lose all the air!
But they're not exactly airtight. If the air was gonna get sucked out,
it would've happened straightaway, but it didn't.
- So, how come? - Very good point!
- Brilliant, in fact. What was your name? - Martha.
And it was Jones, wasn't it?
Well, Martha Jones, question is, how are we still breathing?
We can't be!
Obviously we are so don't waste my time.
Martha, what have we got? Is there a balcony on this floor, or a veranda?
By the patients' lounge, yeah.
- You fancy going out? - Okay.
- We might die. - We might not.
Good. Come on.
Not her, she'd hold us up.
We've got air.
- How does that work? - Just be glad it does.
I've got a party tonight.
It's my brother's 21 st.
My mother's gonna be really... Really...
- You okay? - Yeah.
- Sure? - Yeah.
- Do you want to go back in? - No way.
I mean, we could die any minute, but all the same, it's beautiful.
Do you think?
How many people want to go to the moon? And here we are.
Standing in the Earth light.
What do you think happened?
What do you think?
Extraterrestrial. It's got to be.
I don't know, a few years ago that would've sounded mad, but these days...
That spaceship flying into Big Ben. Christmas. Those Cybermen things.
I had a cousin, Adeola.
She worked at Canary Wharf.
She never came home.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I was there, in the battle. It was...
I promise you, Mr Smith, we will find a way out.
If we can travel to the moon, then we can travel back.
There's got to be a way.
It's not Smith. That's not my real name.
- Who are you, then? - I'm the Doctor.
Me, too, if I ever pass my exams.
What is it then, Dr Smith?
- Just the Doctor. - How do you mean, just the Doctor?
Just the Doctor.
- What, people call you "the Doctor"? - Yeah.
Well, I'm not. Far as I'm concerned, you've got to earn that title.
Well, I'd better make a start, then. Let's have a look.
There must be some sort of...
Force-field.
Keeping the air in.
But if that's like a bubble sealing us in,
that means this is the only air we've got.
- What happens when it runs out? - How many people in this hospital?
Don't know, a thousand?
- One thousand people, suffocating. - Why would anyone do that?
Heads up! Ask him yourself.
Aliens.
That's aliens!
Real, proper aliens.
Judoon.
Mr Stoker?
I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to ask, but can you help me?
I think we've gone beyond aspirin, Miss...
Finnegan.
Names! What are names now
when something unnameable is marching towards us across the moon?
Two more years, I thought. Two more years and then retire to Florida.
But there is Florida, in the sky. I can see it.
My daughter. She's still in university. I am never going to see her again.
- But I need help, Mr Stoker. - I can't do anything!
Oh, I think you can.
What do you two want? It's a bit late to sign for anything.
These are my lovely boys. I prefer not to get my hands dirty.
- I'm sorry? - You see, there are great tests to come,
and terrible deeds.
Some of them my own.
But if I'm to survive this, I need you.
- What are you talking about? - Blood. Specifically, yours.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Will you let go of me! What the hell? Let go!
You see, I was only salt deficient
because I'm so very good at absorbing it.
But now I need fire in my veins.
And who better than a consultant, with blood full of salty fats
and vintage wines and all those Michelin star sauces?
Who are you?
Oh, I'm a survivor, Mr Stoker.
At any cost.
Look!
I've even brought a straw.
Bo! Sco! Fo! Do! No! Kro! Blo! Co! Sho! Ro!
We are citizens of planet Earth. We welcome you in peace.
Please don't hurt me. I was just trying to help, I'm sorry. Don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me. I was just trying to help, I'm sorry. Don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me.
Language assimilated. Designation, Earth English.
You will be catalogued.
Category, human.
Catalogue all suspects.
Aw, look down there, you've got a little shop.
- I like a little shop. - Never mind that. What are Judoon?
They're like police. Well, police-for-hire.
- They're more like interplanetary thugs. - And they brought us to the moon?
Neutral territory. According to Galactic Law,
they've got no jurisdiction over the Earth so they isolated it.
That rain and lightning, that was them using an H2o Scoop.
Why are you on about, Galactic Law? I mean, where did you get that from?
JUDooN: Human.
If they're police, are we under arrest?
Are we trespassing on the moon or something?
No, but I like that! Good thinking. No, wish it were that simple.
They're making a catalogue, that means they're after something non-human,
which is very bad news for me.
Why?
Oh, you're kidding me?
Don't be ridiculous.
Stop looking at me like that.
Come on, then.
Troop 5, floor one.
Troop 6, floor two.
Identify humans and find the transgressor.
Find it!
Prepare to be catalogued!
Do what they say. All they want to do is shine this light thing.
It's all right, they're not going to hurt us. Just listen to them.
Witness the crime.
Charge, physical assault. Plea, guilty.
Sentence, execution.
You didn't have to do that.
Justice is swift.
They've reached the third floor.
- What's that thing? - Sonic screwdriver.
Well, if you're not going to answer me properly.
No, really, it is! It's a screwdriver and it's... sonic.
Look.
What else have you got? A laser spanner?
I did, but it was stolen by Emily Pankhurst. Cheeky woman.
What's wrong with this computer?
Judoon must have locked it down.
Judoon platoon upon the moon.
I was just travelling past, I swear, I was just wandering.
I wasn't looking for trouble. Honestly, I wasn't.
But I noticed these plasma coils around the hospital.
That lightning, that's a plasma coil, it's been building up for two days now.
So I checked in, I thought something was going on inside.
Turns out the plasma coils were the Judoon up above.
- What are they looking for? - Something that looks human, but isn't.
- Like you, apparently. - Like me, but not me.
- Haven't they got a photo? - Might be a shape-changer.
Whatever it is, can't you just leave the Judoon to find it?
If they declare the hospital guilty of harbouring a fugitive,
they'll sentence it to execution.
- All of us? - Oh, yes.
But if I can find this thing first... oh!
Do you see? They're thick. Judoon are thick.
They are so completely thick, they've wiped the records!
Oh, that's clever.
- What are we looking for? - I don't know.
Say, any patient admitted in the past week with unusual symptoms.
Maybe there's a backup.
Just keep working, I'll go and ask Mr Stoker. He might know.
Mr Stoker...
Kill her!
- I've restored the backup. - I found her!
You did what?
Run!
Quick!
When I say "now", press the button.
- But I don't know which one. - Then find out!
Now!
What did you do?
Increased the radiation by 5,000?x?. Killed him dead.
- But isn't that gonna kill you? - Nah, it's only roentgen radiation.
We used to play with roentgen bricks in the nursery.
It's safe for you to come out. I've absorbed it all.
All I need to do is expel it.
See, if I concentrate,
shift the radiation out of my body and into one spot.
Say, my left shoe.
Here we go. Here we go. Easy does it.
Out, out, out, out, out, out, out...
ow, ow, ow!
Itches, itches, itches, itches!
Hold on.
- Done! - You're completely mad.
You're right, I look daft with one shoe.
Barefoot on the moon!
So what is that thing? And where's it from, Planet zovirax?
It's just a Slab. They're called Slabs.
Basic slave drones, you see.
Solid leather all the way through. Someone has got one hell of a fetish.
But it was that woman, Miss Finnegan.
It was working for her, just like a servant.
- My sonic screwdriver! - She was one of the patients, but...
Burnt out my sonic screwdriver!
She had this straw, like some sort of vampire.
- I love my sonic screwdriver! - Doctor!
Sorry.
- You called me Doctor. - Anyway...
Miss Finnegan is the alien. She was drinking Mr Stoker's blood.
Funny time to take a snack. You'd think she'd be hiding.
Unless... No!
Yes! That's it! Wait a minute.
Yes! Shape-changer, internal shape-changer!
She wasn't drinking blood, she was assimilating it.
JUDooN: Prepare to be catalogued!
Human.
If she can assimilate Mr Stoker's blood, mimic the biology,
she'll register as human.
We've got to find her and show the Judoon. Come on!
Human.
That's the thing about Slabs. They always travel in pairs.
- What about you? - What about me what?
Haven't you got backup? You must have a partner or something.
Humans! We're stuck on the moon, running out of air,
with Judoon and a bloodsucking criminal,
and you're asking personal questions. Come on.
I like that. "Humans!"
I'm still not convinced you're an alien.
Non-human!
- Oh, my God, you really are! - And again.
They've done this floor. Come on.
The Judoon are logical and just a little bit thick.
They won't go back to check a floor they've checked already. If we're lucky.
How much oxygen is there?
Not enough for all these people. We're gonna run out.
How you feeling? You all right?
- Running on adrenalin. - Welcome to my world.
What about the Judoon?
Great big lung reserves. It won't slow them down.
- Where's Mr Stoker's office? - It's this way.
She's gone. She was here.
Drained him dry. Every last drop.
- I was right, she's a Plasmavore. - What's she doing on Earth?
Hiding, on the run. Like Ronald Biggs in Rio de Janeiro.
What's she doing now? She's still not safe.
The Judoon could execute us all. Come on.
Wait a minute.
Think, think, think.
If I was a wanted Plasmavore surrounded by police, what would I do?
Oh! She's as clever as me.
Almost.
Find the non-human! Execute!
Martha, stay here. I need time, you've got to hold them up.
- How do I do that? - Just forgive me for this.
It could save a thousand lives and it means nothing. Honestly, nothing.
That was nothing?
Have you seen? There are these things!
These great, big space rhino things.
I mean, rhinos from space, and we're on the moon!
Great, big space rhinos with guns! On the moon!
I only came in for my bunions! Look!
All fixed now, perfectly good treatment, the nurses were lovely.
I said to my wife, "I'd recommend this place to anyone. "
But then we end up on the moon! And did I mention the rhinos?
Hold him.
Find the non-human! Execute!
Now, listen, I know who you're looking for.
She's this woman. She calls herself Florence.
Human.
Wait. Non-human trace suspected.
Non-human element confirmed.
Authorise full scan.
What are you?
What are you?
That big machine thing, is it supposed to be making that noise?
You wouldn't understand.
But isn't that a magnetic resonance imaging thing?
Like a ginormous sort of a magnet? I did Magnetics GCSE.
Well, I failed, but all the same.
A magnet with its setting now increased to 50,000 tesla.
Ooh, that's a bit strong, isn't it?
It'll send out a magnetic pulse
that'll fry the brainstems of every living thing
within 250,000 miles.
Except for me. Safe in this room.
But hold on, hold on. I did Geography GCSE, I passed that one.
Doesn't that distance include the Earth?
Only the side facing the moon. The other half will survive.
Call it my little gift.
Sorry, you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little bit out of my depth.
I've spent the past 15 years working as a postman. Hence the bunion.
Why would you do that?
With everyone dead, the Judoon ships will be mine to make my escape.
No, that's weird. You're talking like you're some sort of an alien.
Quite so.
- No! - Oh, yes.
- You're joshing me! - I am not.
I'm talking to an alien, in a hospital?
What, has this place got an ET department?
It's the perfect hiding place. Blood banks downstairs for a midnight feast.
And all this equipment ready to arm myself with
should the police come looking.
So, those rhinos, they're looking for you!
Yes. But I'm hidden.
Oh, right. Maybe that's why they're increasing their scans.
They're doing what?
Big Chief Rhino boy, he said, "No sign of a non-human.
"We must increase our scans up to setting two. "
- Then I must assimilate again. - What does that mean?
I must appear to be human.
Well, you're welcome to come home and meet the wife. She'd be honoured.
We can have cake.
Why should I have cake? I've got my little straw.
That's nice. Milkshake? I like banana.
You're quite the funny man.
And yet, I think, laughing on purpose at the darkness.
I think it's time you found some peace. Steady him.
- What are you doing? - I'm afraid this is going to hurt.
But if it's any consolation, the dead don't tend to remember.
Confirm. Human.
Traces of facial contact with non-human.
Continue the search!
- You will need this. - What's that for?
Compensation.
Now, see what you've done? This poor man just died of fright.
Scan him!
Confirmation, deceased.
No, he can't be! Let me through. Let me see him.
Stop. Case closed.
But it was her!
She killed him. She did it. She murdered him!
Judoon have no authority over human crime.
- But she's not human! - Oh, but I am. I've been catalogued.
But she's not. She assim...
Wait a minute.
You drank his blood? The Doctor's blood!
Oh, I don't mind. Scan all you like.
- Non-human! - But... What?
Confirm analysis.
Oh, but there's a mistake, surely. I'm human.
I'm as human as they come.
He gave his life so they'd find you.
Confirm, Plasmavore. Charged with the crime
of murdering the Child Princess of Padrivole Regency Nine.
Well, she deserved it!
Those pink cheeks and those blonde curls and that simpering voice.
She was begging for the bite of a Plasmavore!
- Then you confess? - Confess? I'm proud of it!
Slab, stop them!
Verdict, guilty. Sentence, execution.
Enjoy your victory, Judoon.
Because you're going to burn with me! Burn in hell!
Case closed.
But what did she mean, burn with me?
The scanner shouldn't be doing that. She's done something.
Scans detect lethal acceleration of mono-magnetic pulse.
Well, do something! Stop it!
Our jurisdiction has ended. Judoon will evacuate.
What? You can't just leave it! What's it gonna do?
All units withdraw!
What about the air? We're running out of air.
You can't go!
That thing's gonna explode, and it's your fault!
One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Two hearts!
One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four, five.
The scanner...
She did something.
Oh! The sonic!
Come on, come on, come on, come on, please.
Come on, Judoon, reverse it.
It's raining, Martha!
It's raining on the moon.
Pass me the first aid kit.
I said I represent the human race.
I told them, you can't do that. I said...
Martha! Oh, my God, I thought you were dead.
What happened? It was so weird!
The police wouldn't say, they didn't have a clue. I tried phoning.
Mum's on her way, but she can't get through. They've closed off the roads.
There's thousands of people trying to get in.
The whole city's come to a halt.
And Dad phoned, it's on the news and everything. He was crying.
Oh, my God, I've been a mess.
But what happened? I mean, what really happened? Where were you?
MAN oN RADIo: Eyewitness reports
from the Royal Hope Hospital continue to pour in,
and all seem to be remarkably consistent.
This from medical student Oliver Morgenstern.
I was there.
I saw it happen and I feel uniquely privileged.
I looked out at the surface of the moon.
I saw the Earth suspended in space, and it all just proves Mr Saxon right.
We're not alone in the universe.
There's life out there. Wild and extraordinary life.
I am not staying in there to be insulted!
She didn't mean it, sweetheart. She was just saying you look healthy.
No, I did not. I said orange.
Clive, that woman is disrespecting me. She's never liked me.
Oh, I can't think why, after you stole my husband!
I was seduced! I'm entirely innocent. Tell her, babes!
And then she has a go at Martha,
practically accused her of making the whole thing up.
Mum, I don't mind. Just leave it.
Oh, "I've been to the moon. " As if!
They were drugged. It said so on the news.
Since when did you watch the news? You can't handle Quizmania.
Annalise started it. She did, I heard her.
- Tish, don't make it worse. - Come off it, Leo.
What did she buy you? Soap! A 75 pence soap!
I'm never talking to your family again!
- Stay! Have a nice party! - Don't you dare!
- I'm putting my foot down! - Make a fool of yourself!
This is me, putting my foot down!
God knows you've been doing it for the last 25 years. Why stop now?
Mum, don't. I asked the DJ and he's playing that song later...
I went to the moon today.
Bit more peaceful than down here.
You never even told me who you are.
The Doctor.
But what sort of species? It's not every day I get to ask that.
I'm a Time Lord.
Right. Not pompous at all, then.
I just thought,
since you saved my life and I've got a brand-new sonic screwdriver
which needs road-testing,
you might fancy a trip.
What, into space?
I can't, I've got exams. I've got things to do.
I have to go into town first thing and pay the rent. I got my family going mad.
If it helps, I can travel in time as well.
- Get out of here. - I can!
- Come on now, that is going too far. - I'll prove it.
Told you!
No, but... That was this morning.
But... Did you...
oh, my God, you can travel in time!
But hold on, if you could see me this morning,
why didn't you tell me not to go into work?
Crossing into established events is strictly forbidden.
Except for cheap tricks.
And that's your spaceship?
It's called the Tardis.
Time And Relative Dimension In Space.
Your spaceship's made of wood.
There's not much room, we'd be a bit intimate.
Take a look.
No, no, no...
But it's just a box.
But it's huge!
How does it do that?
It's wood!
It's like a box with that room just crammed in.
It's bigger on the inside!
Is it? I hadn't noticed.
All right then, let's get going.
But is there a crew?
Like a navigator and stuff? Where is everyone?
Just me.
All on your own?
Well, sometimes I have guests.
I mean, some friends travelling alongside me.
I had... It was recently...
Friend of mine.
Rose, her name was. Rose and...
We were together. Anyway...
Where is she now?
With her family. Happy. She's fine, she's...
- Not that you're replacing her! - Never said I was.
Just one trip. To say thanks. You get one trip then back home.
I'd rather be on my own.
Well, you're the one that kissed me.
That was a genetic transfer.
- And if you will wear a tight suit... - Now, don't.
And then travel all the way across the universe just to ask me on a date.
Stop it!
For the record, I'm not remotely interested.
I only go for humans.
Good!
Now then, close down the Gravitic Anomalyser.
Fire up the Helmic Regulator.
And finally, the handbrake.
Ready?
No.
Off we go!
Blimey! It's a bit bumpy!
Welcome aboard, Miss Jones.
It's my pleasure, Mr Smith.
The Globe Theatre, containing the man himself.
Shut your big, fat mouths!
- Mr Shakespeare, isn't it? - No autographs.
Love's Labour's Won will never be played.
Upon this night the work is done.
Witchcraft.
Impossible!
Hey, nonny, nonny!
No!
The entire future of the human race,
it ends right now, in 1599, if we don't stop it.
By-da-boom-ba!
That's quite good.