Doc Martin (2004–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Sickness and Health - full transcript

Are you absolutely positive
everything's all right?

You're fine. Get dressed.

You wouldn't take another look?
Nope.

Just to make sure.

We're finished here.

"Hello?"
No offence, but you are a man.

And I don't know that you know
that much about...

I know more about it than you do.

Doc, I think it would be better
for us all if you sent me

When there's actually anything wrong,
I'll be only too pleased to.

Kept me waiting 20 minutes.
Put that cigarette out.



Doc?

We're here.
Mm.

Here he is.
Here's Daddy.

All right, Doc? About time too.
I've been calling you.

I know you have.
It's just, you know...

my duty to get you
down that aisle on time.

You are not my best man.
Let's not put a title on it, eh?

I thought you were getting changed.
I did.

Doc. Now, can I
give you a word of advice?

No.
Something that my father used to -

Really, no. Well, I think I've said
all I have to say on the subject.

Yes, you have. But as one of
your last few surviving relatives -

Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!
All right.

Is she here yet?
She's on her way.



Probably. Don't worry about a thing,
Doc. Just get yourself inside, eh?

Doc? Wait.

Bet you thought I'd forgotten,
right?

Thank you.

15 minutes late. That's not...
that's not long for a bride.

I know.
Mind you, about a month ago,

we had a man standing right there...

15 minutes, 30,

an hour, two hours.

I think we hit three
before the penny dropped.

Apparently, she'd run off
with the best man.

Don't have to worry about that
with me, Doc.

Would you...sit down, please?

WAGNER: Wedding March from Lohengrin

Sorry.
Had a bit of trouble with my hair.

Oh. I know. I mean...

It's...it's all right.

(You're nervous. Yeah. Me, too.)

Who are all these people?
Guests.

Barely deloved...

we are gathered here...today...

..to bless the joining of this man
and woman in holy matrimony.

Marriage is not to be
entered into lightly...

but reverently.

Which means you have to be sure.

We are.

Both of you?

Yes.

If anyone present
can show just cause

why they should not
be lawfully married,

speak now,
or forever hold your peace.

'Out of the mouths of babes...'

In which case...

Do you, Louisa Roberta Glasson

take Martin Christopher Ellingham

to be your lawful wedded husband?

Yes. I do.

And do you, Martin Ellingham -
Yes, I do.

Hm. Does the best man have the ring?

No.

With this ring I thee -

Yes. Right. We're not quite ready
for the putting on the finger bit.

Apparently, we are (!)

So, by the power invested in me,

I now pronounce you...man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, Ruth, thank you.

I can't believe I'm married.

Do I look married?
Now you do (!)

A day to remember.

Katy, you made it.

Not quite up to our standard, boy.
Pretty tasty, though.

Crooked as a dog's hind leg.

Thought I'd er...
come over and pay my respects, Doc.

Thank you.

You've got a real beauty there.

Yes.
I need you to have a look at my leg.

It's er...it's been clicking.
For God's sake. Of course not!

Make an appointment!

I'm not drunk. Who said I was drunk?

Why did you invite Chippy Miller?

He's hardly a close friend.
I didn't invite him.

In fact, a lot of people here
weren't invited.

Well, we'd better move them on, then.

No, it's nice them showing up.
They're wishing us well.

It's nice.
They're not thinking about us.

They're thinking about
free food and cider.

Well, it's the way things work
round here, Martin.

You might've wanted a nice, quiet
reception. But the village didn't.

If they're so determined
to have a party, why don't we

You have been to a wedding before,
haven't you?

There's the cake-cutting
and the dancing to go yet.

Just a bit longer.
Yes, OK.

Ladies and gentlemen?

Hello?!

Today...a great man...

..a great physician...

and the greatest thing
to happen to Portwenn

since the new parking area
at the beach...

..married -
You're a loser! Get off!

..married...
one of our natural treasures.

Louisa Glasson.

There were a few roadblocks
and diversions en route.

And a quick stopover
at the maternity ward.

But happily, they have arrived
at their destination.

Oh, please! Siddown!
Shh!

Back in 1984...

..Tina Turner asked the question...

What's love got to do...
got to do with it?

And the answer is...
(Go!)

Bert? Bert,
I haven't finished my speech.

Go on, Doc!

But I...I got some good jokes.

I think that's meant for us.
Is it mandatory?

You don't have to
if you don't want to, Martin.

♪ ROD STEWART: Sailing

I may be a touch rusty.

(Not very good.)

I learnt at school.
It was compulsory.

That was your foot!
Sorry. It's been a while.

It's OK.
Sorry.

Did you have dance lessons
when you were a child?

No.

I thought not.

What?

They're plotting. Oh, God.
I hope it's nothing embarrassing.

Why don't we leave,
while we still can? Yes. Good.

Ah. You are not gonna
get off that easy, my lovers.

We have a surprise for you.

Can't have a wedding
without a honeymoon.

Martin! Was this your idea?
Absolutely not.

So we have all chipped in
and you'll be whisked away

to a luxury vacation
with all the trimmings.

And I'm perfectly capable
of looking after him.

Oh, Ruth. I...I don't know.

It's only for one night, dear.

He won't feel you've abandoned him.
And even if he does,

he's far too young
to remember any of it.

Oh. Just one night?

Bags all packed and ready to go.
In the boot.

What, you've been in our bedroom?
Rifling through your ironed

What? And Large Restaurant
has donated a fully stocked hamper

to get your honeymoon night
off with a bang, Doc.

Oh! Martin? Can we?

If...if you...

If you really want to.
Quick! Before he changes his mind.

Bye-bye, James.
Now, Ruth, thank you so much.

Now, listen.
There's food in the fridge.

He likes banana custard.
But don't give him the spoon,

He's not been sleeping very well.
Yes, dear. You've already told me.

You might want to try
a vigorous rocking motion.

No, not too...not too hard, though.

And he loves his purple dinosaur.
It's the little one on the bed. Yes.

Mind your dress.
Bye!

Doc, I didn't finish my speech.
I've got this great joke.

This man goes to the doctor.
He says, 'Doctor, Doctor...'

'..I think I need glasses.'

Doc?

So, Bert. Where are you taking us?
You two lovebirds just sit back

This is your day. Just tell us
where we're going, Bert.

I don't want to ruin the surprise,
Doc.

Let's just say it's the most
romantic spot in all Cornwall.

It comes with a Bert Large
stamp of approval.

That doesn't exactly fill me
with confidence (!) 'Ere.

I had my honeymoon in this lodge.
That's how deep the personal

Oh, right.
So we're staying in a lodge.

Great (!)
That's the surprise ruined.

Well, I hope you're
happy with yourselves.

I don't think I've ever
been out this way before.

That's the beauty of it.
Isolated, romantic.

No-one around to disturb you.

I spent my entire honeymoon...naked.

Oh, Bert!
Twas the wife's idea.

She said, 'Bert, we're married now.
The nearest house is a mile away.'

'Why do we need clothes?' Like Adam
and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Ere. Not much further. You'll see.

Hidden jaffa, this.

There we are.
Oh...

This is perfect, Bert!
Thank you so much.

Well, it certainly looks all right
from the outside.

Champagne and nibbles -
just to keep you ticking over.

Oh, how romantic.

Thank you.
We'll sort out the money later, Doc.

I thought you said this was a gift.
Well, yes. Of course.

But a whip-round only goes so far.

And you're no doubt
lining your own pocket.

Now. I'll be back in the morning...
to pick you both up.

How much?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

How much is this going to cost us?
Cheers and gone.

Bert! Stop!

Bert! Stop!

Martin...
Bert! Idiot!

I'm sure it won't be that much.
He's driven off with our luggage.

We've got no clothes to change into,
or even toothbrushes.

It's only for a night.
I'm sure we can rough it.

Come on. Let's have a look inside.

Yes.
Oh, look!

It's so beautiful, Martin. Look!

It's so kind of them.
Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, isn't it lovely, Martin?

It's a pleasant surprise.

Oh. No signal.

No telephone either,
by the looks of things.

Even better (!)

Listen.

What?

Nothing.

Nothing at all. No noise.

No traffic, no moaning patients,

no crying babies.

Just you...

and me.

What are you doing?
Er...

Nothing. I was just...
Nothing.

Good.

Well, hello...

husband.

Hello...

..Mrs Ellingham.

I'll light a fire.

And I'll open that
bottle of champagne.

Whatever you say.

I didn't say anything.

I know.

Just a bite.

Just one...little...mouthful.

That's all. Hm?

Oh, come on.
Your continuous refusal

is frankly bordering
on the antisocial.

Look at his big smile.

He likes it. Hm?

Mm! It's delicious!

Mm! Oh...God!

I stand corrected. It's disgusting!

Well, at least it shows
you have good taste.

Why do men always
want to build a fire?

Maybe it's just a caveman thing.

Actually, it's lucky there was so
much kindling. The important thing is

to get it as hot as possible
as soon as possible.

Warm up the flue...get it drawing.

To counteract the...air sink.

Maybe caveman wasn't
the right choice of word (!)

Cheers.

Yes.

Do you remember
the first day we met?

I do.

Acute glaucoma.
You made me wear an eye patch.

And I felt like a pirate.
Mm.

Of course, the er...

alternate treatment is to apply
a parrot to your shoulder (!)

That was a joke, Martin!

Yes.
Very good.

It's not you. It's the smoke.

Oh, the chimney's blocked.
Did you open the damper?

What damper? It's like
a kind of flap with a handle.

I know what a damper is.

Martin, be careful!
I'll get a kettle.

That won't put it out!

See if you can find
a fire extinguisher!

I'm looking for something.
Quickly!

Martin, that's our champagne!

Er...yes.

Agh!

You all right?
I'm so sorry.

What?
A thing here.

Oh. Got it?

Right. Come on.

Wait. Where are you going?
That house that we passed.

Private telephone. Call Bert.
We need our luggage.

I'm not exactly dressed for a hike,
am I?

You can't stay. The place is awash
with bronchial irritants.

Martin, it's getting dark.
And look. It's foggy.

Please. Can't we just stay here?

Martin? What are you doing? Martin?

Oh!

Seriously? Come on.

OK. Well...

I suppose a walk in the country
might be romantic sort of.

Martin?

Come on!
Martin?

Martin!
Buck up!

Martin?

MARTIN!
What?

You keep going ahead of me!
I'm just looking for the road.

Did you find it?
No.

Yeah, cos I'm sure it's
the other way. Look. Logically,

if we stick to the path,
we can't go wrong.

Of course. Because nothing about a
long-distance hike in a wedding

Slow down. I just can't keep up.

It's just a question
of taking longer strides.

I'm wearing heels, Martin.
Yes. Right.

Take my arm.

Just try and keep in step with me.

Steady rhythm.
Fine!

You must sleep.

It aids neural development.

All the other babies
are doing it right now.

Do you want to fall behind
the other children?

There you go!

Now you're getting the idea.

Oh, bugger!

Well, we're definitely
going the wrong way. We're not.

When we drove in,
the trees were on the left.

And now there are trees
all around us.

I'm not certain that's correct.

We're in the middle of a forest,
Martin.

Well, strictly speaking,
it isn't a forest, it's a wood.

Seriously? Is that your argument?

You're going the wrong way and the
best you can do is split hairs -

Sh!
No, not - Shh!

There's someone out there.

Hello?

Who's there?

Show yourself!

All right, I've had enough.
I want this to stop instantly.

Oh, God!

Stupid animal! You're really
not the outdoor type, are you?

Shoo!

Right. Now let's find that telephone.

Martin, careful!

I thought I saw a rabbit.
I didn't want you scared,

or to get into a confrontation
with it, or anything (!)

This is my final warning! Yes.

Show yourselves (!)

I was trying to protect you.

Final warning (!)

Ah.
Oh, you took your time.

Sorry. Dad wouldn't let me go
without a short course in

So. What's the problem?

The lights have blown (!)

Ah.

In all likelihood,
there's probably a short somewhere.

Did you erm...
did you turn anything on?

A kettle? Ah.

No, nothing. Just the dishwasher.
Dishwasher?

Yeah. Er...

Can you fix it?
If I had the proper equipment...

..probably not.

So the baby and I stay in the dark
until the morning.

I'll make a call.

I think we might possibly...er,
have taken a wrong turning.

Well, I have been saying that
for the past 50 minutes, Martin.

Well, it doesn't seem like
it's too deep.

I'm not wading across it.

Well, we have to keep going
in a straight line.

Otherwise,
we'll start to go round in circles.

And I'm still not wading across it,
Martin. No.

All right, then.
I'll...I'll carry you.

Really?
Yes. Sure?

Erm...

Don't drop me!

You're crushing my windpipe.

How do you think those two
are getting on?

Oh, the usual blend
of chalk and cheese, I imagine.

We saw the candles.
Everything all right?

Or have I missed the seance (?)

No, everything is not all right.

I would've thought
that was perfectly obvious.

The lights have blown
and Al can't fix them.

But apparently
there's somebody who can.

Yeah. Mike Pruddy is on his way.
Oh. It's an electrician you need.

Might save you some money there. Oh,
it's best left to the professionals.

Down the hall on the right.

He won't electrocute himself,
will he?

We can only hope.

Evening.

Oh, yes, do come in.
Everyone else has (!)

Thought I'd better check on the boy.
Electrics (!)

Joe's on it.
Oh, no.

That bloke could start a fire
in a bowl of water.

Sounds rather Biblical.

I wonder if you CAN start a fire
in a bowl of water.

Look out!

Man down! We've a man down!

How did you imagine
we'd spend our wedding night?

Not like this.

This is a mistake.
We should be at home.

Oh, steady, Martin!
Yes.

Idiot Bert!

Abandoning us in that place.

Yeah, well, him and the villagers
wanted to surprise us.

Well, they all knew
we didn't want a honeymoon.

YOU didn't want a honeymoon.
Well, you agreed.

Because I didn't wanna drag you off
somewhere and have you complaining.

So, you DID want a honeymoon?

I wanted you to want one.

What...?
Oh, no. I don't understand that.

No. You don't, do you?

You never do.

Right. We're cold...

we're wet...
Let's just call Bert.

Find a telephone,
get home as fast as we can.

You were right.
It was probably a...mistake.

I could've been crippled.
You shouldn't have been standing

I needed to get a better angle
on the situation.

Now, be honest. How bad is it?

That is borderline, that is.
Will it leave a scar?

You might need butterflies.
Then again, you might need sutures.

I think you're possibly forgetting
there's a doctor in the house.

What is the recommended treatment,
then, Doc?

Stick a plaster on it and shut up.

Evening.

Evening, Corporal.
Show him where it is, Al. Oh, right.

I'd give him a try, but...
I've been compromised.

Can I say something?
No!

I think you're being unfair.
Oh. Why, thank you (!)

Because you say one thing
when you mean another.

You agree to something when
actually you want something else.

It doesn't make sense. So if I'd said
I wanted a big, lavish wedding,

with white horses
and a gold carriage,

and a big reception
with hundreds of guests,

and a week-long honeymoon
on some tropical island,

you'd have said what? Hm?

Martin? Martin? Martin?!

Can you see anything? No, nothing
at all, cos you're blinding me.

I bet this is boring
compared to army life, huh?

If you think rewiring fuse
boxes in the desert is exciting,

then...then, yeah.

If you need any backup, let me know.

You can hand me that box.

We're in the same line of work,
you and me. You're an electrician?

No. Special forces.

You army, me police.

So, we're not really
in the same line of work, then.

Well...we're both trained to
respond to an emergency situation.

Primed and ready
at the shortest notice.

There is something you could do
to help me.

Stop talking (!)

Right.

Agh! I'm all right. I think.

Ow! Ooh, no.
I may have sprained my wrist.

Right. I'm coming down.
No, don't. It's too steep.

I'll come up.
Just catch me if I fall. What?

Aaargh!

What?! Ow!
Sorry.

Oh. Your dress.

It's fine. I wasn't planning on
wearing it again anyway.

Oh, no. You're hurt.
No, it's...it's nothing.

Let me have a look.
There's no need.

What the hell was that?!

I'll kill you! We need to get out
of here.

It's just the farmer shouting at
foxes. It's fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah. 99% sure.

And a fox and a farmer means a
farmhouse. Which means a telephone.

So...
Agh!

99% sure.

That's not entirely conclusive,
is it...Louisa?

Oh. All right.

Not a farmhouse, then.

Hm. Doesn't look like he exactly
welcomes visitors, either.

Well, we're here now.

Get out!

Martin, are you all right?
Er...yes.

What are you doing out here?!

Who are you?

I'm just looking for some help.

Erm...would you mind
lowering your gun?

I don't like people
poking around here.

We're not poking around. We just
wanted to use your telephone.

Of course you don't.

What's with the fancy clothes?

It's our wedding day and this is...
our honeymoon.

Congratulations.

Easy, tiger!

No sudden moves.

Is that thing loaded?
Course it's loaded.

Well, put it down before somebody
gets hurt - yourself included.

And if you can't offer us a phone,
we'll just be on our way.

No, no, no.

You're not going anywhere.

I beg your pardon?

There are foxes out here.

Edna?!

Are you taking
any sort of medication?

Do you know what the date is?
Course I do.

So should you,
it being your wedding day an' all.

Edna!

Is that your wife?
My dog.

She's a good judge of character.

So, what happens now?

You start mending my chicken coop.

I'm sure it looks worse than it is.

We can probably just, you know,
stand it back up again,

It needs to be done properly.

You broke it...you fix it!

How about I give you some money
and then you can get it patched up?

Tools are over there.

Cheers.
All done.

Teamwork.
Told you we'd get it sorted, Ruth.

Bet you're glad we're here.
Delighted (!)

Last orders.

Drink up and be on your way.
Right, lads.

Let's be hitting the sack, eh?
The early bird catches the felon.

I've gotta be up
a bit sharpish myself, too.

I've gotta go and fetch
the doc and Loui-

Oh, bugger it.
What?

Let's just say that someone forgot
to give the doc his suitcase.

I mean, he'd see the funny side
of that, wouldn't he?

Oh, James Henry Ellingham.

You are intent on torturing
your Great Aunt Ruth tonight.

Well, he's teething, in'e?
Poor little bugger.

Is he?
That's why his chin's all red.

He can't help drooling.

What are you looking for?

Here.
Vanilla essence?

Rub it on his gums with your finger.

This isn't the 16th century -
he'll need an analgesic.

Counter-pressure helps the pain of
the tooth pushing through.

See, I grew up in a family of ten.

I was the eldest. Screaming babies
were practically the soundtrack

If I hadn't been raised
to show no emotion...

..I might cry myself.

Got one.

There's 13 others running round
out there like fox food. In you go.

For God's sake! My dog Edna
could do a better job than that.

Well, why don't you do it yourself,
then?

No. I'd rather see a moron like you
make a good job of it. Ha-ha-ha!

Excuse me?
What?

Yes, we broke your chicken coop.

But you pointed a gun at us,
held us hostage,

and now you're insulting my husband.
Louisa. No!

Good manners cost nothing.

I think your missus
is a little bit doolally.

Oh, do you?
Look. I banged your post in.

Just tell us where that telephone is
and we'll be on our way.

Oh, for God's sake!

I'll bash it in. Here. Give me that.

You hold the post.

Apologise!
Louisa! It's all right, Martin.

Apologise to my husband and to me.

Go on!

Sorry.
Now fix your post.

Louisa, give me that rifle.
Ow!

Ow!
What's happened?

Martin.
Let me see.

I think you've
dislocated your shoulder.

You mean, you have. What's wrong
with you people, coming round here

in the middle of the night...
demanding things, breaking things?

Let me see it.
No. You're not touching me!

He's a doctor. Stop whining
and let him have a look.

Come on. Open your shirt.

I would if I could.
All right.

Yep. The humeral head's
come out of its socket.

It doesn't seem to hurt as much now.
No, it wouldn't.

The body produces endorphins
to reduce shock.

But you'll be in severe and
incapacitating pain in minutes.

I don't think he means it like that.
No, I do. He'll be in agony.

Can you fix it?

Yes, of course I can.
I mean, properly.

Move into the light.

Louisa, please
stop waving that around.

It's dangerous. Stop
telling me what to do, will you?

Well, he's sleeping like a...
well, like a baby.

You're a very competent man.

That's a rarity around these parts.

Yeah, right (!)
Can't hold down a steady job...

can't find a decent girlfriend.

I'm a regular success story (!)
Could be worse.

You could be
an agoraphobic schizophrenic.

Yeah. Always look on the sunny side.

How much do I owe you?
Oh. For the baby? Nothing (!)

And for everything else,
I'll send a bill. Perfect.

I seem to be
running out of endorphins.

Do us a favour, love.
Go in the caravan.

There's a bottle of whisky
in the cupboard above the sink.

I know what you're thinking, Doc.

You're jealous.
You want a caravan of your own.

Yes. That's just
what I'm thinking (!)

I feel sorry for you.

Having a boring life, getting
married with your wife.

Shut up!

Don't you say my wife's name
with your...mouth!

Er...I've got the bottle.

Right. Let's relocate this shoulder.

I'm going to slowly pull your arm up
to 90 degrees and then rotate it.

It might hurt a bit. Are you ready?
Get on with it.

Agh! Aaargh!

Heaven!

Oh, well done, Martin.
It's a simple procedure.

Louisa! Are you all right?

Yes. You?
Yes.

Quickly. Get this off!
Hello? Are you all right?

You clumsy git!

How is he? Oh!

Is he OK? Something's nicked
his carotid artery. Don't move!

I'll call an ambulance.
There's no time.

In a few minutes, he'll either
have a stroke or bleed out.

Is there anything you can do?

Yes. But I may need your help.
OK. Right.

Right. I need a needle and thread.
Top drawer! Right. I'll get it.

What else? Er...a razor blade.
Or a small knife.

In the baccy tin.

Hurry up.
Yes, yes. I'm looking, I'm looking.

Fishing line?
Yes. Good.

You need to regulate your breathing.

Try and slow your heartbeat down.
I don't wanna die.

Right. I've got it all.
Cotton swabs?

Where am I gonna find cotton swabs?
I don't think he has a skincare

Right.

I want you to place your hand
upon mine.

Not you!

When I say...place your index finger

where mine is and apply
a constant pressure. All right?

Yes.
Ready?

Now!

All right. I'm going to attempt to
open the wound to gain access

And when I've done that,
I'll try to repair it. Yes.

Do you need help?

Nope.

Right. I'll need something
to clamp the artery with.

That thing in your hair. That grip.
Yep.

Do you have another bottle of
whisky? In the cupboard by the sink.

Yes.

Oh, God! Oh!

When I say, remove your hand,
I'll make the incision and

Yes. When I've done that,

hold the clamp in place
while I make the repair.

OK?
Right.

I mean, are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine. Right.

Now.

Clamp.

All right.
Now, hold the clamp in place.

Oh. I'm...I'm sorry.

It's fine.

This'll be over very soon.

One way or the other.

Right. Let's see if it's held.

Good. We need to get you
to a hospital as soon as possible.

There's a road just at the back.
About...

15 minutes walk.

Some honeymoon, eh?
Stop talking.

I'm sorry.

For what? Well, it's not exactly
the sort of day you'd hoped for.

Well, it's certainly not one
that we'll ever forget, is it?

Which bit are you looking forward to
remembering most?

Getting lost?

Held at gunpoint?

Or um...

watching this man exsanguinate.

I think...probably all of it.

I see.

Martin. Martin!

Listen.

She's asleep.

So.

Louisa...

We'll put the luggage in here...

and then we can shift the blame to
Morwenna. Agh!

It's OK, Bert. It's not our blood.
We're fine.

What on earth...? Oh, my God!

We're fine. It's not our blood.
How's James?

Whose blood is it?
It's not important. I heard a noise.

Oh, Doc! It's not their blood, Joe.
Allegedly.

OK. Well, whatever happened,

we can fix it -
people go missing all the time.

Are there any problems with James?
You're covered in dirt.

Oh! I've got wax in my eye.
I think I might be blind!

Whose blood is it?
Don't start on the luggage, Doc.

Right. I'm gonna check on James.

I'll see to this idiot. Mm-hm.

Right. Go through
to the consulting room. Not you.

Get rid of the dog.

Ruth, was everything all right?
Was he OK?

How's his cold? Has it cleared up
now?

Would you like to come to dinner?

What do you think, darling?

If you have a partner or wife,
bring them too.

I'd love a glass of white.
They've been drinking already. Shh!

Have you seen a major
sporting event...recently?