Doc Martin (2004–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Going Bodmin - full transcript

You've got a problem.

This is our district-nurse governor;
Hilary Richards.

And Bob Matthias;
the general-practice adviser to the PCT.

Oh; and Louisa Glasson; the lay member.

- Well; shall we go through?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Any further questions?

Apart from; "What have we done
to deserve so eminent an applicant?" Eh?

- Good. So...
- (Louisa) Sorry; can I just ask...

How would you describe
your interpersonal skills?

I've been a surgeon for 12 years.



Ran a team of senior registrars at St John's.
Think that speaks for itself.

The image of a surgeon is someone
who deals with cases rather than individuals;

bodies rather than people.

My work is with the patients.
That's nothing but dealing with bodies.

People.

If you want to be a GP in our village; social skills
and a good bedside manner are essential.

Louisa; I think that
Dr Ellingham is more than qualified.

(Louisa) To alienate people; perhaps.

Nothing I've seen of him so far convinces me
that he's a proper replacement for Dr Sim.

Martin.

Mart!

You cross the line
just once in Portwenn; and...

- Will you stop that?
- Is the vision a little blurred in that eye?

Yes.



- Fixed; semidilated pupil. Bit of pain?
- Sometimes. What?

It's acute glaucoma.

- You're kidding?
- No. You should see an eye specialist today.

(man) Martin!

Excuse me.

Here's to Dr Ellingham;
our new man in Portwenn.

(all) Dr Ellingham.

Er... what do you want?

Go away. Go away.

- Go!
- (whimpers)

(man) What's he gone and done?

Parked it down there at low tide!

(laughter)

(man) Charlie.

Are you Doc Martin?

No. No; I'm Dr Ellingham.

I'm Elaine.

That must be nice for you.

- Practice receptionist.
- Oh; right. I'm not hiring yet.

I've come from Delabole.

Is that far?

I've come from Delabole!

There's no point in going
then coming back later.

Might as well just start now; innit?

Careful; careful!

Let me... Give me that.
Go on. In you go.

(phone rings)

- How are you feeling today?
- Fine.

No ringing in the ears?
Ellingham.

Hang on. It's for you.
I'm not here.

- Elaine's not here.
- Wait; hold on. Is that Greg?

Are you Greg?
Elaine for you.

I'm not talking to Greg.

Yeah?

Yeah.

No. Look; you're needy and I'm 26; innit.

Do you mind?

Oh; God.

- Is there any milk?
- One spore or two?

- What?
- It had turned to penicillin. It's in the bin.

Hello? I need coffee.

Elaine; since you're here;
there are things to organise.

- Like what?
- Well; like a new exam couch for starters.

Wait.

Yeah.

- An examination light.
- Yeah.

- A functioning sphygmomanometer.
- Yeah.

What's that?

- It measures blood pressure.
- Yeah. Anything else?

- No; that's all for now.
- Right.

"Milk; biscuits"?

While you're getting that other stuff.
Oh; and Hello magazine. Write it down.

I'm not your personal shopper. I want you
to find me a medical-equipment supplier.

Is that how you treated people
up in London?

No wonder you're down here
with your tail between your legs.

The lads and meself would like to wish you
every happiness in your new home.

Thanks very much.

So.

So.

- You'd like a tip.
- Well; if you're offering.

Tell me something; when the surgeon
stitched up your hernia; did you give him a tip?

All right; mate.

You Doc Martin?

- I prefer "Dr Ellingham".
- (laughter)

There a Mrs Doc?

- No; there isn't.
- Oh; are you lonely?

Gilbert Spencer.
Lieutenant colonel. Retired.

Martin Ellingham.
Doctor. Practising.

- May I come in?
- No.

I'm not open till next week.
So if you don't mind; unless it's urgent...

The last chap saw you when you needed him;
not when it suited him.

Interesting. Do you want
an appointment on Tuesday?

Look...

It is urgent.

- What seems to be the problem?
- Well; it's a difficult issue.

L-I suppose a cup of tea
is out of the question; is it?

Yes.

Well...

It's a problem in the chest department.

A matter of excess weight.

Right. Fewer carbohydrates;
more protein; get some exercise.

- Are we done?
- No; no; no; no. It-it's...

breasts.

It-it seems to be.

- It's not unusual. Perfectly normal for men...
- Normal?

...to have a little breast tissue.
- It's a disgrace.

- Quite possibly. Do you have another problem?
- What?

- Is there anything else the matter with you?
- Is that all you have to say?

Men have breast tissue. Men even account
for some breast cancers. It's perfectly normal.

Wow.

Right.

The medical term is gynaecomastia.

There can be a number of causes -
genetic; environmental.

Could it be something to do with the water?
There have been rumours.

I sincerely hope not or we'll all be needing a bra.
If you'd like to lie down.

Now; look here.
I'm a respected member of this community.

- I did not come here to be ridiculed by you.
- Oh; come on.

- A local man would have known better.
- He's dead and you had no appointment.

For your information;
I did have an appointment;

which I made myself
with the young lady on the telephone.

I shall travel
to Wadebridge surgery in the future;

where no appointment is necessary.

Colonel.

Colonel!

Colonel; please; come back.

I really think
we ought to finish your consultation.

(door slams)

Wow.

You're good.

- I'm looking for Haven Farm.
- You Doc Martin?

- No; I'm not "Doc" anybody.
- Yes; you are. You're Doc Martin.

I'm just trying to f...
Oh; never mind.

Yeah; definitely Bodmin.

- Little Marty.
- Auntie Joan.

Some arse tried to run me off the road.
Came at me in a narrow lane.

Are you a man or a mouse?
Those lanes have bags of room.

You'll stay for chicken?

You know; I still can't
get used to the idea of you as a surgeon.

Now you only
have to get used to the idea of me as a GP.

Last time you were here
you got a splinter in your finger and cried.

- I was seven.
- You were 11! And you wet the bed.

Not exactly the stuff of which...
of which...

surgeons are made; hm?

Right; hang on to this one.

There you go.

I always hoped that you'd grow up
not looking like your father; but there you go.

You as stubborn as he is; too?
Yes; of course you are.

- Have you heard from him?
- No.

God forgive me for cursing my own brother;
but he is a bloody idiot.

No; we'll have that one.

- Well; go on.
- Auntie Joan; no. I...

Oh; Martin; for heaven's sake.

(crack)

Right. There we go.

Well; come on.

- So; what went wrong?
- With what?

Well; swanky surgeon in London one minute;
GP in Portwenn the next.

- You're here.
- Oh; don't be ridiculous.

I've been here for 30 years
and I haven't seen you. Was it a woman?

- No; it wasn't a woman.
- Lack of a woman.

I saw two practices; couldn't decide
between them; then I saw Portwenn.

- (laughs)
- What?

When you talk to the locals you might
try and sound a bit more pleased to be here.

Actually; l-l-l-I can't stop. I just remembered.
I just wanted to say hello; anyway.

Martin? Martin; you've got to eat.

I do have a surgery to set up
and I've got to arrange for a plumber.

I'll send the Large boys round.
They'll fix up your plumbing for you.

I'll tell you this. No woman will fix your
plumbing up if you go round looking that pale.

You need to eat.

(man laughs) Oh; dear; oh; dear.

Who put that lot in for you; Doc; eh?

- Whole lot have to come out.
- Yeah; yeah.

I know you've got to make money; and to you I'm
a down-from-town Londoner; but I'm not an idiot.

Hang on to your hat; Doc; I'm just
pulling your chain. That's one of ours; innit?

Have it fixed for you in a jiffy.
No charge.

- Thank you.
- Probably just a new tap. I'll try the washer.

Yeah. You try the washer; son.

Here; Doc; I'm not one to criticise;
but you wanna relax.

Down here we just go with the flow.

Right.

(clock chimes)

Go away! Go away!
I've nothing for you.

Get... Go away!

(laughter)

Definitely Bodmin.

Bodmin. That's an endearing local term
for "barmy" right?

Well; someone who's Bodmin is...
Well; it's kinda like...

Well; the thing is...
OK; now; what happens is...

- Treat yourself to a noun.
- It's someone who wanders on the moor.

Auntie Annie; she went Bodmin; but she
never went near the moor. Do you remember?

- Going Bodmin is...
- I think I get the picture.

Unless it came from the old asylum in
Bodmin town. Or it could be a literary reference.

What are you going on about; boy?

Old Doc Martin don't want a reference.
No; he just wants to know what it means.

Daphne Du Maurier paints Bodmin Moor
as a Gothic symbol of murder and madness.

All granite skies and howling winds.

You'll be going Bodmin yourself
in a minute; boy.

- Dad! Not that one! No!
- Yeah.

Try it again now.
This happens all the time. Soon have it sorted.

But where's the...
the bloody... whatsitcalled?

- You know...
- I can help you with this term.

The word you're searching for is "stopcock".

Now; not many people know
that there are four kinds of stopcock...

- Will you lend a hand?
- I can't work in this.

- Well; why don't you go home; then?
- It's Greg for Elaine.

Who left the door open? Get out!
Whose is this sodding dog?

- Tell him you saw me and Barry kissing.
- Right.

- Mouth open; with tongues.
- Water damage; that's a beast all on its own.

Hold that and shut up!
You; get off the telephone and find the stopcock.

And you; either get back to Delabole;
wherever that may be; and don't come back;

or go and find a mop
and work out how to use it.

And as for you...

Oh; er...

(vacuum cleaner)

Stray dog.

Doc Martin.
It's nice to meet you finally.

I don't care whether you think
I'm lonely or Bodmin or how far it is to Delabole.

It's just a dog.

(dog whimpers)

Ah; hello!
You must be Dr Ellingham. Excellent.

Susan Brading. Welcome to Portwenn. You
must come up to the Applegarth and see us.

- Thank you.
- Actually; I need to come and see you too.

- I'm not set up.
- Of course not. It's a repeat prescription.

I'll see you when you're ready.
Shall I tell you something?

- You're exactly what this community needs.
- There's one or two people might disagree.

Nonsense. Is that the time?
My husband will kill me.

- You couldn't dash off a prescription right now?
- No; I'm afraid I can't do that.

- Shouldn't have asked.
- Not a problem.

It's just that old Dr Sim
didn't care much for the rule book.

From the state of his surgery;
he didn't care much for hygiene either.

It's just for some of my cream;
you know; ladies of a certain age. Couldn't you?

- Then I'll see you when you're properly set up.
- HRT cream?

- Any problems with it?
- Happy as a sand girl. Whatever a sand girl is.

- Brading. B-r-a-d...
...i- n-g; yes.

OK.

Martin!

Come and give me a hand.

You settled in all right?

- I asked Bert Large to call on you.
- Yeah; he did already.

- Oh; jolly good.
- Not necessarily; no.

Well; he's worth knowing. Apart from
anything else; he's a fount of local knowledge.

Yeah; I bet.

Her name is Louisa Glasson; by the way.
The teacher.

- Yeah; we already met.
- But not successfully.

- Did she say something?
- No.

But you were skulking; and nobody skulks
after a successful meeting. Right; come on.

Just for the record; I wasn't skulking. I didn't
know she worked there. I just spotted her.

(door closes)

Elaine; can you get me the notes on
Mrs Susan Brading of the Applegarth; please?

- Why?
- Because I asked you to; Elaine.

It's Lady Brading; actually.
You remember old Sir John?

Did you hurt that dog?
I love dogs.

Yeah; I love them too. I love the way they smell;
love the way they bite you.

Dogs are the best.

- Susan Brading.
- Thank you.

Lady Brading always had to call him Sir John.

I don't think she cared; but he was a stickler
for it; even when it was just the two of them.

Especially when it was just the two of them.

How much HRT cream can one woman use?

They reckon that she was calling him Sir John
the night he died; if you catch my drift.

These dates can't be right. Elaine.

- Does Susan Brading know Gilbert Spencer?
- Know him? Only in the biblical sense.

- Do you mean she gave birth to him in a stable?
- They got married a few years back.

- Lovely wedding. Whole village was invited.
- Greg got off with a slapper from Dorset.

- Will you get over it?
- No.

The biblical sense.
Have you not heard of that; Doc?

It's like; I love Al; but not in the biblical sense.
Cos he's my son; if you see what I mean.

- I'm surprised you've not heard of that; Doc.
- Shut up.

(lawn mower)

Colonel!

Colonel Spencer.

You're not my doctor. I'm seeing a chap
in Wadebridge in the morning.

- Right; then. I'll talk to your wife.
- She is out.

She just told me in town
that she's coming home.

Can't help that.
She's not here now.

Fine.

Right. We're going to talk. Or rather
I'm going to talk and you're going to listen.

Then if you want to go to Wadebridge and inflict
your ex-military routine on some poor sod;

I'll drive you myself; but at least I'll have
delivered the diagnosis you asked me for.

Get out!

(Martin) The three of us need to talk.

Please.

- You haven't told your wife; have you?
- Doctor!

Darling; you must be starving; poor poppet.

Dr Ellingham;
would you like to stay for a bite?

(Gilbert) You're late. Again.

Darling. Silly; I told you; I was shopping.

- Did you get the moss killer?
- Oh; darling.

I'm such a fool.
I completely forgot.

Yes.

I'm becoming forgetful in my old age; Doctor.
Is there a cure?

No.

Listen; I've been updating your patient notes.
Your use of oestrogen cream; it's excessive.

Perhaps I use more than it says on the pack.
Makes me feel chipper.

But there can be side effects.

And to be honest - how can I put this? -
we find it smoothes the works.

Well; it looks like rain.

- I think I'd better tend to the garden.
- (Martin) Sit down.

- What?
- Sit down.

- Your husband came to me with a complaint.
- What?

- Are you all right? What is it?
- It's nothing. Really.

All right. I'll tell her.
Your husband has gynaecomastia.

That's a condition
where a man develops chest tissue.

- Breasts.
- Yes.

(Susan) Ah.

The vest in bed?
Why didn't you tell me?

- Not as attractive as I used to be.
- Nonsense.

I want to suggest that there's a connection
between the cream and this condition.

Oestrogen is a female hormone.

It's possible that during intercourse
some may have transferred and; erm...

Gilbert; I'm so sorry.

Oh; dear.
It's not your fault.

I need to do a little bit more research;
but I'm not the first to suspect a connection.

Right; I'll leave you two to...

- You know where I am if you want me.
- Thank you; Doctor.

Afternoon; Elaine.
You're looking efficient.

Enjoy your tea.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. The day got better.

Patient waiting.

No; there isn't; because; as you know;
I'm not open for business yet.

There's still a patient waiting.

You'd better be dying.

I think I'm growing breasts.

Oh; no.

Oh; God; it's serious; innit?

Oh. Oh; no.
Nothing to do with you.

I had a theory.
You've just proved it wrong. Let me have a look.

- I've been drinking the water.
- I'm sure.

There's something wrong with the water.
No one's admitting it; but look.

(band plays)

- Lady Brading; I've been looking for you.
- We've been looking for you.

Caroline here is our local radio star.

- Call me Caro.
- She's in charge of prize-giving.

I assumed you'd give
the prizes for fancy dress.

- It's usually the doctor's task.
- I just wanted a word with you.

If I don't get inside and toss a few salads;
the committee will hound me out of Portwenn.

- That's interesting.
- Glad you like it.

It's better than that tosh over there.

A lot of old firewood loosely glued
to some litter in the name of arts and crafts.

I like that. Sombre.

Thanks for looking after my stall; Bob.

- Who's the best? Class six.
- (all) Yeah!

Right. Where's the eye patches?
Everyone with eye patches put your...

Ah.

(band starts)

Your diagnosis was right.
They've got me on drops.

- What?
- They've got me on drops.

They're beta-blockers. It should clear up
in a couple of weeks. If not; see your doctor.

I would; but I got off to a bad start with him.

Oh; no; your doctor's a professional.
Am I your doctor?

Yeah. I should have told you
I lived in Portwenn.

- So how are you finding us?
- Irritating.

Apart from the primary-school teacher;
who's; erm; a pirate; it seems.

- You're not at all like I thought you were...
- I've got to go.

Colonel. I wanted a quick word with you
about your gynaecomastia.

- Please.
- It seems it wasn't your wife's cream.

Not here; for God's sake.

Fine.

- What makes you think it wasn't the cream?
- Well; there's been an unrelated case.

Bloody water. I thought so.
Who was it?

- I can't tell you.
- Local fellow?

Young lad. Surfer type. Probably
wished too hard for the perfect... swell.

(Gilbert) Good God!

It's probably not what it looks like.

- What are you doing here?
- Nothing.

- Gilbert.
- Don't come near me.

- (PA) Thank you; everybody.
- Bloody hell.

- Gilbert.
- Susan!

- You told him about me.
- Well; that's not...

Well; at least we know
where your tits came from.

Perfect timing.
Here's our new doctor; Dr Martin Ellingham;

to award the prizes
for the fancy-dress competition.

- Give him a hand.
- (applause)

Doctor.

Your list. OK?

The fancy-dress competition...

Doc; we are live on Radio Portwenn.

You bloody well did.

Oh; shit.

Ellingham!

You tosser!

(laughter)

Have you seen Ross?

I need to speak to him.

How can I explain things to him
if I can't actually speak to him?

Well; at least tell me where he lives.

- Is that him again?
- Yep.

(thunder)

Doc. Wakey; wakey.

Everything all right?

Yeah; fine.

I was looking for whatshisname;
that surfer boy.

- Ross?
- Ross.

- Out here?
- Yeah.

Yeah; he lives in the village.
Come on. I'll give you a lift.

Then we'll get your car sorted.

(Caroline)
This is Radio Portwenn.

And now more on the controversy
surrounding Portwenn Lifeboat Day;

which for many was marred
when our new doctor; Dr Ellingham;

disappointed the boys and girls who...

- You missed the show at the pub last night.
- Really?

- Gilbert got drunk and tried to kill Ross.
- What? Did you have to intervene?

I took the view that a lobster
is not a particularly lethal weapon.

He says he's divorcing Susan.

- You depressed?
- Oh; no.

I've antagonised the village;
buggered up a marriage and crashed my car.

Why would I be depressed?

I'm depressed.

Dr Sim wanted to give me something. I'm trying
the homeopathic route. So I know how you feel.

I've wanted to drive my car
into a bog sometimes.

I didn't drive into a bog. Somebody came at me;
and not for the first time since I've been here.

See; I've had that too.

Sometimes it's like
everybody's coming at you.

- I thought you were gonna...
- I know.

He got out.

Had a good lawyer.

What the hell's going on?

Doc Martin; sir.
Now; don't worry.

- It's all under control.
- Delivery for Ellingham.

Sometimes happens
when we have to repressurise the system.

But no fear; sir.
It's completely normal.

Medical equipment.
You want it or not?

- I don't know.
- What?

Sod off.

Go on; sod off; all of you.

Please.

There you go.

If this kid decides to make it a formal complaint;
there's gonna be nothing I can do about that.

I did not breach confidentiality.
I mentioned no names.

Martin; you led the husband
to the scene of the crime. It's not a pretty story.

Listen.

I backed you coming here.

You backed the wrong horse
because I'm clearly not a GP.

No; I want you to know
I'm still gonna back you.

Martin; let's face it;
you piss people off wherever you go.

Couldn't stand the sight of you myself
for the first few years of med school.

I'm just saying;
what are you gonna gain by moving on?

How will it help the people here if they lose
the best medic they're ever likely to see

because of some stupid...

Oh; Dan; can you please just...

So why don't we just sit tight

and hope all this just blows over?

- Eh; mate?
- No.

Sorry. I'll put things right as best I can;
but then I'm calling it a day.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming.

I just wanted to say;
I could have handled things better...

I'm the one who should be apologising to you;
not to mention Ross and Gilbert.

- Yeah; I hear Gilbert wants a...
- Divorce; yes.

I've been such a fool.

I do love him; you know?

Would it help to talk?

He won't talk.
To be honest; I can't face him at the moment.

What about Ross?

Keeps calling. I've told him it's all over -
long letter - but he won't accept it.

- He'll get over it.
- Yes; he's a boy.

Today he thinks his heart is broken;
tomorrow there'll be good waves.

He'll surf; he'll forget.

And then in a month or two;
there'll be a sultry 19-year-old

who'll let him enjoy her breasts
without giving him a set of his own.

You're going to have to talk to them both.
You know that; don't you?

I don't think this is a good idea.

- I said I'd talk to you. Not her.
- Colonel.

Darling; darling;
please let me explain. Please.

You found someone else.
No explanation necessary.

- Hang on.
- It was nothing. It was...

Just tell me this:

Were you with him
when his car was caught in the tide?

- I hardly think that...
- Just tell me;

because the tide takes how long to come in?

So don't tell me it was nothing.

Can I say something?

What?

Colonel; you still love your wife; don't you?

- Yes.
- Well; there you go; then.

You love her; she loves you.
Problem solved. Mine's a pint.

You know nothing whatsoever
about relationships.

The doctor's just trying his best...

Oh; no; you didn't.

Good God; it's lover boy.

Right. You three caused this problem
and it's only fair that you should sort it out.

- Ross.
- You had your chance with Susan. You blew it.

- I'm going to punch your lights out.
- (Martin) Hang on.

Why don't you go back
to your garden; old man?

- Colonel; Colonel; stop it. Come on.
- You get that one for free.

- Stop. Let's discuss this rationally.
- Come on. Try it again. Go on!

- I didn't mean to do that.
- Just get out.

- (Gilbert) You all right; old man?
- Mm.

I'll leave you two to it.

One stray punch and you're running away.
Oh; for heaven's sake; Marty.

- The lanes weren't wide enough; after all.
- What do you expect; coming here?

I must say; I was hoping for
a slightly more hospitable environment.

Rubbish. If you wanted a chocolate-box village;
go to the Isle of Wight. This is a real place.

You know; I always wondered;
when you stopped coming for the summer;

if you... well; if you felt perhaps
that you weren't welcome.

No; no; I just thought
it wasn't so convenient; that's all.

You... you know
that he wouldn't send you; don't you?

- Dad? Why?
- Doesn't matter now. Far too long ago.

I just...
I just wanted you to know that...

well; you were always welcome.

Here; Doc. I'll have a look under the bonnet
for you. Save you some money.

No; no; no; no; no.
Just tow it to the garage. Thank you.

I'll-I'll telephone you; Auntie.

- Doctor; Doctor; I think I'm growing breasts.
- Call them breasts?

- (girl #1) What's happened to...
- (girl #2) Pervert.

So are you gonna pay me
for this week or what?

What.

Oh; Doc; I...

- I just dropped the car back for you.
- Thanks.

I'm sorry things haven't worked out.

- It's certain; then; yeah?
- Mm.

Well; that's your right.

I was only thinking; if you are leaving;

I was wondering whether you'd kindly see
one or two people just before you go.

- Give me their names. I'll think about it.
- Oh. Thank you.

Well; there's old Jane Carpenter.

She's got lumbago.

And there's Mary Morris.
She's got blood pressure.

And then there's big Lucy Holmes; arthritis.

Little Lucy Holmes; sore throat.

Old Giddens; arthritis.
Young Giddens - lovely boy - diabetic.

- Hang on. How long is this list?
- Well...

Wait. I know what this is all about.

None of you lot can be bothered to travel
to Wadebridge to see a doctor; can you?

- It's a long way to Wadebridge.
- Yeah. It's not really good enough; is it?

Well; the way I look at this; Doc;
is that you need patients and we need a doc.

Now; we don't all
have to love one another; do we?

Evening; Doc.

Evening.