Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
- (INAUDIBLE CHATTER)
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, please!
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Good evening. Tonight, Do Not Adjust Your Set
looks at one of the major problems
in Britain today.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Craftsmanship.
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, London, 1968.
And what are the problems facing
the average Englishman today?
I've got a boil on my knee.
Well, I've got my mother coming to tea
and there's no sugar
and Mrs Neville's Bun Shop
is closed on Thursdays.
My brother thinks he's a sardine,
sleeps on a piece of toast.
Crumbs.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ah.
Hello again.
Flying saucers, where do they come from,
where are they going to
and how much do they cost?
Thank you.
Tonight, the Do Not Adjust Your Set
team investigates.
Oh!
This evening, we have with us a man
who's actually seen a flying saucer.
Tell me, Mr Arnold, you saw this
flying saucer near your home in Devon.
Yes, I certainly did.
Can you describe it?
Yes.
It was a small silvery object
flying some 50 feet above the trees
and it had a small head and a beak
and was flapping its wings.
Are you sure it wasn't a bird?
- A what?
- A bird.
Oh, yes, that's what it was! it was a bird.
- Oh... I knew...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, it's a bird.
Ahem. Well, thank you.
Gives you some indication of the mystery
that surrounds these objects.
Ahem. But at the basis of all this
lies the unanswered problem of
is there life on any other planet?
One man who thinks there is is Mr Alpha TK3.
Mr Alpha TK...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Mr Alpha TK3,
you think there is life on other planets.
(HE SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE)
Yes, I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
What makes you so certain?
(HE SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE)
I know.
I have seen it.
If you don't mind my saying so,
I find that rather difficult to believe.
All those who do not believe
will be taken over.
I see.
Well, obviously, no one can ever be certain.
It only remains for me to say...
(WEAPON POPS AND WHIRS)
(IN ALIEN VOICE): All those
who do not believe will be taken over.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- MR ARNOLD: it was a seagull!
I realise now, it was a seagull.
I've seen it before...
(DISCORDANT THEME PLAYS)
Well, it's February
and here is our painting of the month.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Do we spend too much of our time
watching television?
Here at Viewership Survey Limited,
our computer calculated on Monday night
between the hours of seven o'clock
and 11 o'clock
more than 98 billion people were
watching television in my living room alone.
This means we need a new computer.
If you have one, will you pop it on
a postcard and send it to me
at this address...
Me, This Address, London W2.
I'll just repeat that.
That.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(DRUM BEAT PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER: Do Not Adjust Your Set
says stamp out this kind of behaviour
in British parks.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Well, that's all from us here at Round Up.
We won't be back next week or ever again.
Heh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Goodnight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(HE PLAYS HARMONICA)
ALL:
Thank you.
(BELL RINGS)
- Good morning, madame. Can I help you?
- Good morning.
Erm, yes, I'd like your advice
about the valuables in my house.
I don't think they're terribly safe.
- I see.
- Yes.
Well, let's see what we can do to put them
into safe hands for you, shall we?
Yes, fine.
- Your name and address, please, ma'am.
- Oh, here's my card.
I see. Thank you very much.
Now, is your house near to where
the neighbours could hear screams
or cries for help or that sort of thing?
No, no, it's completely deserted
in its own grounds.
I see, it's completely deserted
in its own grounds...
- Extensive grounds.
- Extensive grounds.
And is it left unattended for long periods?
Oh, only on Friday evening
between seven and 11:30pm
when I go to my bridge club.
- I see, only on Fridays, seven thirty...
- Fridays, yes.
- That's tomorrow, isn't it, ma'am?
- That's right.
- Yes, I thought it was.
- Yes, tomorrow.
And where do you actually
keep all your valuables?
Oh, most of them are in the wall safe
in the study
but I do keep all my jewels in my bedroom
locked up, of course.
I see. Very wise, very wise.
In the... in the bedroom.
- Locked up.
- Yes.
Where do you actually keep the key for that,
madame?
You'll never guess.
- Oh, do tell.
- Well, actually, I keep it...
(SHE WHISPERS AND GIGGLES)
Really, madame?
How very original.
- No one would ever think of looking there.
- Well, it's very cunning, isn't it?
Yes. Well, madame, let me see.
I'm afraid you're not very well protected,
are you?
No, I'm not, that's the whole trouble.
That's why I came to you.
Good, well, I'm glad you did
because here's my advice to you.
This evening, or rather tomorrow evening
when you go out.
- When I go out, yes.
- Possibly.
Would be leave your lights off
and leave all the windows and doors open.
- Oh.
- Yes, this will put off any intended robber
- you see.
- Oh, I see.
Yes, and then the next precaution I'd take
if I was you was to get all your valuables
put them in a large sack,
place them on the dining room table
next to a flask of tea and a rather large
plateful of sandwiches.
Oh, I see. Oh, thank you very much.
- That'll scare anybody away.
- Yes.
Well, I feel much safer now,
thank you so much for your help.
Fine, madame, it's a pleasure.
Um, five guineas, please.
Oh! Yes, money well spent.
- Good.
- Oh, donate the rest
- to your favourite charity.
- Oh, that's very kind of you, madame.
- Not at all.
- Thank you.
Well, I'm afraid you will excuse me, madame,
I must rush now.
- You see, there's a shop being burgled.
- Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's alright, I've just finished.
- Oh!
Goodbye.
Charming young man.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HE WHISTLES)
Well, um, and now,
this week's deliberate mistake
the Banzo Dig Doodee Bin.
(MUSIC: "HUNTING TIGERS OUT IN 'INDIAH"'
BY THE BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
(MAN YELLS)
# With bi,g, hungry tigers
Table manners have no place #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# After they have eaten you
They never say their grace #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# Hunting tigers can be ripping fun #
# Like three blind mice
See the hunters run #
# Hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
# You all know how peevish tigers are #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# They bite
They scratch #
# They make an awful fuss #
# it's no use stroking them
and saying "Puss, puss, puss" #
# No, hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
By Jove, Carruthers, I'm awfully frightened.
Frightened? Be like me!
But you're shaking all over!
I'm not shaking, I'm just doing the shimmy,
that's all.
# Hunting tigers can be ripping fun #
# Like three blind mice
See the hunters run #
# Hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
Ooh!
# They scratch
They make an awful fuss #
# it's no use stroking them
and saying "Puss, puss, puss" #
# No, hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
# You all know how peevish tigers are #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# Don't care in what part of you
They fix their fretwork sets #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# Tigers don't go out on rainy nights #
# They've no need to whet their appetites #
# Hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
# La, la, la, la, la #
Plonkatitty-plonk-plonk-titty-plonk-plonk.
(HE LAUGHS)
Sorry!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
I take as my text today...
Thou shalt not nick lead off the church roof.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Jeremiah 4, verse 13.
The other evening, I was having supper
with my lovely lady wife in the crypt
when suddenly, a large piece of fried bread
fell from the ceiling and landed on my plate.
Pushing aside the plaster I was eating,
I said to my wife
"Stone me, Glad! They're at it again!"
Mark 12:7, New English Translation.
Get me me clerical gown.
"Remember what happened last time you took a
pot-shot at someone on the roof," she shouts.
Well, how was I to know it was an angel?
Anyway...
I dashed outside at the double.
Exodus 1:2.
There in the darkness, I came across
a tall, thin figure clad only in black.
"Good evening, Constable," I said.
Malachi 6:1.
"Thou shalt not steal," he said.
Silly fellow.
Then off I went, up the tower,
round the cornices
round the leaning buttresses,
tip-toe across the roof, taking care
not to knock off any gargoyles.
But alas...
Abbacock 16:4.
The bird had flown.
And all I saw was...
but if you want to know who did it,
come along to Evensong this evening.
Revelations 6:15.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
When I go to the theatre,
I always sit in a box.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(MYSTERIOUS ENGINE NOISE)
Good morning, madame.
I'm from the Yard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(COWS MOO)
(COWS MOO)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Order, order.
Order.
Now then, I've called this committee meeting
to discuss last week's ladies night
held in the Vicarage Hall.
And to discuss ways of rebuilding
the Vicarage Hall.
Aye, it were a grand night, Ted.
Yes, and next year, there'll be no stripping,
Ernest Becklesfield.
Well, they said "take it off".
They were referring to your act,
not your clothes.
And who let the vicar sing?
I to... l to... l to...
I told you he were going to sing.
I thought you meant a hymn.
I've never heard such songs in mixed company.
- And who gave him those jokes?
- The bishop.
Oh, aye? And your magic act, Norman Higgins.
You're supposed to give the wallets back
after you've taken them.
- When does your case come up?
- Tuesday.
I'm not surprised, that were
the chief constable's wife you sawed in half.
Fine time to forget how to do it.
- Aye, well, I've never done it before, Ted.
- Oh, aye.
- Nina, love?
- Yeah?
- This snake dance.
- Yeah.
I thought you were supposed to dance
with the snake.
I couldn't catch it!
Miss Pennyweather did though, didn't she?
- Aye!
- Took the hospital four hours
to cut her free.
And who wrote "Just Married"
on the ambulance?
Hey, it were only in fun, Ted.
That's what you said about your impersonation
of the singing nun.
She doesn't wear a handlebar moustache
and leopard-skin underpants, does she?
- No, no, she doesn't, no.
- Who gave you the idea?
It were the bishop, Ted.
And it were you who put the passion pills
in the junior school mistress' drinks.
I never thought she had it in her.
Aye, well, none of us did, Ted.
Well, why didn't you pull the curtain down
when she started to strip?
Well, I thought it was supposed to be
educational.
It was, it was!
Lucky the vicar was in hospital by then.
And where did he get the passion pills from,
anyway?
T'bishop.
Oh, aye?
Well, it were you, Fred, who were responsible
for fireworks display.
What do you mean? I set 'em off alright.
Inside.
Ah, well, it were cold outside.
- Fire warmed us up a treat.
- Aye.
Well, we're gonna have to rebuild
the Vicarage Hall.
And that part of town.
Right, well, it's time to pass on
to the next business of the committee
which is how to raise money
to bail the bishop out.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
We bring you another exciting adventure
in the life of Captain Fantastic.
Last week, he lost track of Mrs Black
on Nowhere Station
only to discover that she had left behind
her visiting card.
This week, he follows her to the address
on the visiting card
and tracks Mrs Black to her lair.
Er...
No, I think that's near enough, camera.
Look, um...
Look, yes, you can stop now.
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop! Augh!
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
Thanks to my good fortune
in finding Mrs Black's card
heh, I soon traced her to her evil hideout.
Boldly, I searched the front of the house
for an entrance.
But in vain.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Then...
So, this was her residence!
And she was out.
Now this was my chance to gain possession
of her horrible handbag
and deprive her of her evil power.
Where to look first?
Was that what she kept under her bed?
I thought I was going potty.
Suddenly, I heard her approaching.
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
I instantly concealed myself.
Through the keyhole,
I saw her suddenly appear
and she had her handbag with her!
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
(CHEERFUL JAZZ PLAYS)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
I lay low and reconnoitred the position.
Suddenly, I saw she was
approaching the wardrobe!
I had to think fast.
Sheesh!
That had been a narrow escape.
But now I could see the handbag.
Lying on the bed, unguarded.
(NAIL FILE SCRAPES)
Quiet as a mouse, I crept towards the bed.
The danger was intense.
But I had to get that bag!
It was useless!
I had to try another approach.
Ooh...
There it was on the other side again!
The situation was decidedly tricky.
ANNOUNCER:
Will Captain Fantastic succeed?
Does Mrs Black know he's there?
What is she doing with her horrible handbag?
Watch next week's Captain Fantastic!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(BAND PLAYS)
- (BAND PLAYS LOUDLY OVER HIM)
- # If I were Miss World #
# How different life would be #
# If I were Miss World #
# Instead of being me #
# I'd have a sceptre and a throne #
# Girls would envy me #
# I'd dine out at the best hotels #
# With Simon Dee #
# I'd talk to Miss Jamaica #
# And Miss 1942 #
# And Miss Austro-Croat Borders #
# And the one-eyed Kate Mandu #
(CHOIR SINGS LOUDLY OVER HIM)
# I wouldn't envy them one bit #
# For I'd be Miss World #
# You see #
# I'd be Miss World #
# Beautiful and serene #
# Grand as a peacock #
# And lovely as the Queen #
# But nothing comes of all my dreams #
# I just go from bad to worse #
# Despite my schemes #
# I'm still, it seems #
# Plain Miss Universe #
(CHOIR SINGS UNINTELLIGIBLY)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, please!
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Good evening. Tonight, Do Not Adjust Your Set
looks at one of the major problems
in Britain today.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Craftsmanship.
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, London, 1968.
And what are the problems facing
the average Englishman today?
I've got a boil on my knee.
Well, I've got my mother coming to tea
and there's no sugar
and Mrs Neville's Bun Shop
is closed on Thursdays.
My brother thinks he's a sardine,
sleeps on a piece of toast.
Crumbs.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ah.
Hello again.
Flying saucers, where do they come from,
where are they going to
and how much do they cost?
Thank you.
Tonight, the Do Not Adjust Your Set
team investigates.
Oh!
This evening, we have with us a man
who's actually seen a flying saucer.
Tell me, Mr Arnold, you saw this
flying saucer near your home in Devon.
Yes, I certainly did.
Can you describe it?
Yes.
It was a small silvery object
flying some 50 feet above the trees
and it had a small head and a beak
and was flapping its wings.
Are you sure it wasn't a bird?
- A what?
- A bird.
Oh, yes, that's what it was! it was a bird.
- Oh... I knew...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, it's a bird.
Ahem. Well, thank you.
Gives you some indication of the mystery
that surrounds these objects.
Ahem. But at the basis of all this
lies the unanswered problem of
is there life on any other planet?
One man who thinks there is is Mr Alpha TK3.
Mr Alpha TK...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Mr Alpha TK3,
you think there is life on other planets.
(HE SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE)
Yes, I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
What makes you so certain?
(HE SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE)
I know.
I have seen it.
If you don't mind my saying so,
I find that rather difficult to believe.
All those who do not believe
will be taken over.
I see.
Well, obviously, no one can ever be certain.
It only remains for me to say...
(WEAPON POPS AND WHIRS)
(IN ALIEN VOICE): All those
who do not believe will be taken over.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- MR ARNOLD: it was a seagull!
I realise now, it was a seagull.
I've seen it before...
(DISCORDANT THEME PLAYS)
Well, it's February
and here is our painting of the month.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Do we spend too much of our time
watching television?
Here at Viewership Survey Limited,
our computer calculated on Monday night
between the hours of seven o'clock
and 11 o'clock
more than 98 billion people were
watching television in my living room alone.
This means we need a new computer.
If you have one, will you pop it on
a postcard and send it to me
at this address...
Me, This Address, London W2.
I'll just repeat that.
That.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(DRUM BEAT PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER: Do Not Adjust Your Set
says stamp out this kind of behaviour
in British parks.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Well, that's all from us here at Round Up.
We won't be back next week or ever again.
Heh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Goodnight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(HE PLAYS HARMONICA)
ALL:
Thank you.
(BELL RINGS)
- Good morning, madame. Can I help you?
- Good morning.
Erm, yes, I'd like your advice
about the valuables in my house.
I don't think they're terribly safe.
- I see.
- Yes.
Well, let's see what we can do to put them
into safe hands for you, shall we?
Yes, fine.
- Your name and address, please, ma'am.
- Oh, here's my card.
I see. Thank you very much.
Now, is your house near to where
the neighbours could hear screams
or cries for help or that sort of thing?
No, no, it's completely deserted
in its own grounds.
I see, it's completely deserted
in its own grounds...
- Extensive grounds.
- Extensive grounds.
And is it left unattended for long periods?
Oh, only on Friday evening
between seven and 11:30pm
when I go to my bridge club.
- I see, only on Fridays, seven thirty...
- Fridays, yes.
- That's tomorrow, isn't it, ma'am?
- That's right.
- Yes, I thought it was.
- Yes, tomorrow.
And where do you actually
keep all your valuables?
Oh, most of them are in the wall safe
in the study
but I do keep all my jewels in my bedroom
locked up, of course.
I see. Very wise, very wise.
In the... in the bedroom.
- Locked up.
- Yes.
Where do you actually keep the key for that,
madame?
You'll never guess.
- Oh, do tell.
- Well, actually, I keep it...
(SHE WHISPERS AND GIGGLES)
Really, madame?
How very original.
- No one would ever think of looking there.
- Well, it's very cunning, isn't it?
Yes. Well, madame, let me see.
I'm afraid you're not very well protected,
are you?
No, I'm not, that's the whole trouble.
That's why I came to you.
Good, well, I'm glad you did
because here's my advice to you.
This evening, or rather tomorrow evening
when you go out.
- When I go out, yes.
- Possibly.
Would be leave your lights off
and leave all the windows and doors open.
- Oh.
- Yes, this will put off any intended robber
- you see.
- Oh, I see.
Yes, and then the next precaution I'd take
if I was you was to get all your valuables
put them in a large sack,
place them on the dining room table
next to a flask of tea and a rather large
plateful of sandwiches.
Oh, I see. Oh, thank you very much.
- That'll scare anybody away.
- Yes.
Well, I feel much safer now,
thank you so much for your help.
Fine, madame, it's a pleasure.
Um, five guineas, please.
Oh! Yes, money well spent.
- Good.
- Oh, donate the rest
- to your favourite charity.
- Oh, that's very kind of you, madame.
- Not at all.
- Thank you.
Well, I'm afraid you will excuse me, madame,
I must rush now.
- You see, there's a shop being burgled.
- Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that.
- It's alright, I've just finished.
- Oh!
Goodbye.
Charming young man.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HE WHISTLES)
Well, um, and now,
this week's deliberate mistake
the Banzo Dig Doodee Bin.
(MUSIC: "HUNTING TIGERS OUT IN 'INDIAH"'
BY THE BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
(MAN YELLS)
# With bi,g, hungry tigers
Table manners have no place #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# After they have eaten you
They never say their grace #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# Hunting tigers can be ripping fun #
# Like three blind mice
See the hunters run #
# Hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
# You all know how peevish tigers are #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# They bite
They scratch #
# They make an awful fuss #
# it's no use stroking them
and saying "Puss, puss, puss" #
# No, hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
By Jove, Carruthers, I'm awfully frightened.
Frightened? Be like me!
But you're shaking all over!
I'm not shaking, I'm just doing the shimmy,
that's all.
# Hunting tigers can be ripping fun #
# Like three blind mice
See the hunters run #
# Hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
Ooh!
# They scratch
They make an awful fuss #
# it's no use stroking them
and saying "Puss, puss, puss" #
# No, hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
# You all know how peevish tigers are #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# Don't care in what part of you
They fix their fretwork sets #
# Dear dear, dear no
Dear dear, dear no #
# Dear dear oh dear, no #
# Tigers don't go out on rainy nights #
# They've no need to whet their appetites #
# Hunting tigers out in "Indiah" #
# Out in, out in, out in "Indiah" #
# Yah! #
# La, la, la, la, la #
Plonkatitty-plonk-plonk-titty-plonk-plonk.
(HE LAUGHS)
Sorry!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
I take as my text today...
Thou shalt not nick lead off the church roof.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Jeremiah 4, verse 13.
The other evening, I was having supper
with my lovely lady wife in the crypt
when suddenly, a large piece of fried bread
fell from the ceiling and landed on my plate.
Pushing aside the plaster I was eating,
I said to my wife
"Stone me, Glad! They're at it again!"
Mark 12:7, New English Translation.
Get me me clerical gown.
"Remember what happened last time you took a
pot-shot at someone on the roof," she shouts.
Well, how was I to know it was an angel?
Anyway...
I dashed outside at the double.
Exodus 1:2.
There in the darkness, I came across
a tall, thin figure clad only in black.
"Good evening, Constable," I said.
Malachi 6:1.
"Thou shalt not steal," he said.
Silly fellow.
Then off I went, up the tower,
round the cornices
round the leaning buttresses,
tip-toe across the roof, taking care
not to knock off any gargoyles.
But alas...
Abbacock 16:4.
The bird had flown.
And all I saw was...
but if you want to know who did it,
come along to Evensong this evening.
Revelations 6:15.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
When I go to the theatre,
I always sit in a box.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(MYSTERIOUS ENGINE NOISE)
Good morning, madame.
I'm from the Yard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(COWS MOO)
(COWS MOO)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Order, order.
Order.
Now then, I've called this committee meeting
to discuss last week's ladies night
held in the Vicarage Hall.
And to discuss ways of rebuilding
the Vicarage Hall.
Aye, it were a grand night, Ted.
Yes, and next year, there'll be no stripping,
Ernest Becklesfield.
Well, they said "take it off".
They were referring to your act,
not your clothes.
And who let the vicar sing?
I to... l to... l to...
I told you he were going to sing.
I thought you meant a hymn.
I've never heard such songs in mixed company.
- And who gave him those jokes?
- The bishop.
Oh, aye? And your magic act, Norman Higgins.
You're supposed to give the wallets back
after you've taken them.
- When does your case come up?
- Tuesday.
I'm not surprised, that were
the chief constable's wife you sawed in half.
Fine time to forget how to do it.
- Aye, well, I've never done it before, Ted.
- Oh, aye.
- Nina, love?
- Yeah?
- This snake dance.
- Yeah.
I thought you were supposed to dance
with the snake.
I couldn't catch it!
Miss Pennyweather did though, didn't she?
- Aye!
- Took the hospital four hours
to cut her free.
And who wrote "Just Married"
on the ambulance?
Hey, it were only in fun, Ted.
That's what you said about your impersonation
of the singing nun.
She doesn't wear a handlebar moustache
and leopard-skin underpants, does she?
- No, no, she doesn't, no.
- Who gave you the idea?
It were the bishop, Ted.
And it were you who put the passion pills
in the junior school mistress' drinks.
I never thought she had it in her.
Aye, well, none of us did, Ted.
Well, why didn't you pull the curtain down
when she started to strip?
Well, I thought it was supposed to be
educational.
It was, it was!
Lucky the vicar was in hospital by then.
And where did he get the passion pills from,
anyway?
T'bishop.
Oh, aye?
Well, it were you, Fred, who were responsible
for fireworks display.
What do you mean? I set 'em off alright.
Inside.
Ah, well, it were cold outside.
- Fire warmed us up a treat.
- Aye.
Well, we're gonna have to rebuild
the Vicarage Hall.
And that part of town.
Right, well, it's time to pass on
to the next business of the committee
which is how to raise money
to bail the bishop out.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
We bring you another exciting adventure
in the life of Captain Fantastic.
Last week, he lost track of Mrs Black
on Nowhere Station
only to discover that she had left behind
her visiting card.
This week, he follows her to the address
on the visiting card
and tracks Mrs Black to her lair.
Er...
No, I think that's near enough, camera.
Look, um...
Look, yes, you can stop now.
Stop, stop, stop!
Stop! Augh!
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
Thanks to my good fortune
in finding Mrs Black's card
heh, I soon traced her to her evil hideout.
Boldly, I searched the front of the house
for an entrance.
But in vain.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Then...
So, this was her residence!
And she was out.
Now this was my chance to gain possession
of her horrible handbag
and deprive her of her evil power.
Where to look first?
Was that what she kept under her bed?
I thought I was going potty.
Suddenly, I heard her approaching.
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
I instantly concealed myself.
Through the keyhole,
I saw her suddenly appear
and she had her handbag with her!
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
(CHEERFUL JAZZ PLAYS)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
I lay low and reconnoitred the position.
Suddenly, I saw she was
approaching the wardrobe!
I had to think fast.
Sheesh!
That had been a narrow escape.
But now I could see the handbag.
Lying on the bed, unguarded.
(NAIL FILE SCRAPES)
Quiet as a mouse, I crept towards the bed.
The danger was intense.
But I had to get that bag!
It was useless!
I had to try another approach.
Ooh...
There it was on the other side again!
The situation was decidedly tricky.
ANNOUNCER:
Will Captain Fantastic succeed?
Does Mrs Black know he's there?
What is she doing with her horrible handbag?
Watch next week's Captain Fantastic!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(BAND PLAYS)
- (BAND PLAYS LOUDLY OVER HIM)
- # If I were Miss World #
# How different life would be #
# If I were Miss World #
# Instead of being me #
# I'd have a sceptre and a throne #
# Girls would envy me #
# I'd dine out at the best hotels #
# With Simon Dee #
# I'd talk to Miss Jamaica #
# And Miss 1942 #
# And Miss Austro-Croat Borders #
# And the one-eyed Kate Mandu #
(CHOIR SINGS LOUDLY OVER HIM)
# I wouldn't envy them one bit #
# For I'd be Miss World #
# You see #
# I'd be Miss World #
# Beautiful and serene #
# Grand as a peacock #
# And lovely as the Queen #
# But nothing comes of all my dreams #
# I just go from bad to worse #
# Despite my schemes #
# I'm still, it seems #
# Plain Miss Universe #
(CHOIR SINGS UNINTELLIGIBLY)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)