Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

ANNOUNCER: Yes, once again,
we halt a little bit of London's traffic

to bring you Do Not Adjust Your Set

The magical mystery tour for... toothache,
featuring Denise Coffey

Eric Idle...

David Jason...

Michael Palin...

and Terry Jones.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

ANNOUNCER: "How To Eat".
A Do Not Adjust Your Set guide to living.



Goodnight.

The lecture today in the series "How To Live"

concerns the problem of eating.

In eating as in everything else, there is
a right and a wrong way to set about it.

So let us start at the beginning,
with the approach.

Note the confident stride
as the eater approaches the table.

He pulls the chair out firmly and sits down.

Wrong.

This is the wrong approach.

Let us try it again.

He strides to the table...

pulls the chair out smoothly, and sits down.

On the chair.

Right.



Now, he's ready to begin,
and we come to the choice of utensil.

Arrayed before the eater
is a wide variety of utensils

each with its own particular use.

The choice of the correct utensil
is made carefully and discreetly.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And intelligently.

Phase Three, the delivery.

The utensil is slowly dipped into the food
and with a graceful sweep,

the correct amount is carried
to the appropriate place.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

No.

No.

No.

The mouth.

Right.

Finally, Phase Four, the appreciation.

Having finished a delightful meal...

the eater must show his appreciation
in a subtle yet definite manner.

(HE BURPS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Wrong.

The correct method is a slight
pursing of the lips with the eyes upwards

a dab with the napkin,
and a slight egregious smile.

Well done.

Finally, we have the problem of etiquette.

This occurs when two or more
are dining together.

Which one would you like?
The big one or the little one?

That's very rude.

Now, if I'd had first choice,
I would've chosen the little one.

You've got the little one.

In this way, you have seen how it is possible
to come to an understanding of food

and how to deal with it.

And next week, we shall be tackling
the problems of foreign food.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(PIANO PLAYS "BLUE DANUBE")

("VIOLIN" PLAYS)

(PIANO PLAYS)

("VIOLIN" PLAYS)

(PIANO PLAYS)

("VIOLIN" PLAYS)

(PIANO PLAYS)

("VIOLIN" PLAYS)

(HE SMACKS)

- (PIANO PLAYS)
- (THEY SING)

- ("VIOLIN" PLUCKS)
- (HE SMACKS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Right-o, dear, I'll get it.

Good morning.
I'm from the Happy Grin insurance Agency.

No, thank you.

You know, it's amazing how many people fail
to realise the value of insuring

their personal property.

- Look, no, thank you.
- I mean, for example

have you ever managed to mis-break something
that you hold dear?

(VASE SHATTERS)

Here!

That vase cost me a hundred quid!

Oh, dear.
And if only you'd been properly insured,

you could've claimed it all back and more.

Now, would you like to fill in the form?

No, no, I don't want to, no.

Oh, I think you ought to, you know.

I mean, just supposing you were to drop
your pocket watch, for example...

and somebody was to break or tread on it.

Or perhaps your wallet was to, uh...

was to rip, for example, in the high wind!

Now, that would be a disaster, wouldn't it?

No, please!

I don't need an insurance policy.

Oh, but everybody needs an insurance policy.

Look, supposing you were giving a party,
and one of your guests

perhaps a relative, in fun,
were to produce an axe

and starts to smash up the living room table!

My table!

Oh, no, please! Oh! Oh, my table!

Then supposing your wife were accidentally
to break this lovely china here

by tipping up the cabinet.

(CHINA SHATTERS)

And then dropping the axe on it.

Oh, please! Oh, don't!

And then just imagine what would happen
if somebody were to pour paint

all over your carpet.

It's a lovely carpet.

Hey! Oh, no, please!

- Look, look...
- The television.

- Oh, no, no.
- The television.

- No...
- Supposing... the television...

- were to fuse.
- Oh, no.

Oh, oh!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Well, what would you do then?

- Well, I...
- You'd claim it off your insurance!

And you'd be quite right.

You could claim quite a lot for this,
I'll show you.

£100 for the vase,
maybe 200 for the lovely china

and, oh, 100 for the carpet.

And why not say 300 for the television?

- Really?
- Get a new colour set while you're at it.

You'd be made,
if only you were properly insured.

- Oh, I am insured.
- If you'd like to, um, just sign it...

- You what?
- Oh, yes.

With you.

It's very good.
You come round, I'll show you...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

AUSTRALIAN MAN ON RADIO:
This is the Flying Doctor to Wallenbula Base.

This is the Flying Doctor to Wallenbula Base.
Are you receiving me, over?

Wallenbula Base receiving you
loud and clear, Doc. Over.

I seem to be in a bit of trouble, Snowie.

(RADIO CRACKLES)

What's the trouble? Over.

- (RADIO CRACKLES)
- Trying...

tell...

I'm sorry, Doc, can you speak up, please?
What's the matter? Over.

- (RADIO CRACKLES)
- Seems... they're...

Doc, please!
This is Blaze here, this is Blaze here.

What is the matter, please? Over.

(RADIO CRACKLES)

Wallenbula here,
can you repeat your message, please? Over.

(RADIO CRACKLES)

Doc, are you alright?
Are you trying to tell me something?

Come in, please!

I said the radio's not workin'!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(MUSIC: "THE EQUESTRIAN STATUE"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)

# There once was a very famous man #

# On his famous horse
he'd ride through the land #

# The people used to see him everywhere #

# When he died,
they put a statue in the square #

(THEY WHISPER):
# Hooray #

# Here comes the Equestrian Statue #

# Prancing up and down the square #

# Little old ladies stop 'n' say #

# "Well. I declare!" #

# Once a month on a Friday there's a man #

# With a mop and bucket in his hand #

# To him it's just another working day #

# So he whistles as he rubs and scrubs away #

# Hooray #

# Here comes the Equestrian Statue #

# Prancing up and down the square #

# Little old ladies stop 'n' say #

# "Well. I declare!" #

# it's a sight to bring you joy
you feel so gay #

# Doo #

# And it's guaranteed
to brighten up your day #

# If it's grey #

# Here comes the Equestrian Statue #

# Prancing up and down the square #

# Little old ladies stop 'n' say #

# "Well. I declare!" #

# it's a sight to bring you joy
you feel so gay #

# Doo #

# And it's guaranteed
to brighten up your day #

# If it's grey #

(OUT OF TUNE TRUMPET SQUEAKS)

- (TRUMPET SQUEAKS)
- # Feel so gay #

# Feel so gay #

- (TRUMPET CONTINUES SQUEAKING)
- # Feel so gay #

# Feel so gay #

# Feel so gay #

# Feel so gay #

# Feel so gay #

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Have you taken all your clothes off,
Mr Marshall?

Uh, did you want me to take off everything?

Yes, everything, Mr Marshall.

- Oh, righty.
- Hurry up, please.

Yes, um... ah, shirt as well, eh?

- Yes, shirt, Mr Marshall.
- Ah, yes.

Hm, right, ah.

Um...

Trousers?

- Yes, trousers. Do hurry up, please.
- Trousers, yes.

- Uh, shoes and socks?
- Shoes and socks, Mr Marshall, that's right.

Trousers... hm.

Yes...

Ah.

Sit down, will you?

Now then, what exactly
did you want to see me about?

Well, it's about my wife.
She gets these headaches, you see.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

As this is the 68th anniversary of 1900,
here is lvor Clarke's Cookery Class.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT):
Thank you, thank you.

Well, 'allo again.

Last week, I showed you how to make
flambé de St Pierre de Monbazier

a simple little dish that takes only
a fortnight to prepare.

Well, it's been marinating in the
hand-trodden champagne crepette

and kept constantly at body temperature.

By Daphne,
whose body I've kept constantly in there.

It's been marinating for three weeks now
so it should be just about ready.

Ah, yes, and here it is.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

This is the little chap.

Looks delicious, eh?

Mm, and cuts wonderfully easily.

Oh, oh, oh.

I wish you could smell it,
it's perfectly formed.

The crystals in the middle here,
beautifully tenderised.

But now for the big moment.

Bon appétit.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Oh...

Er, before our next programme,
which is after our last programme

we're going to play you some music.

MAN OFF-SCREEN:
Oh, no, we won't.

Oh, later, but not now.

Now, in fact, we return to Ivor Clarke's
Cookery Class.

Well, that was the last in the series
of Ivor Clarke's Cookery Classes.

He'll be, um... elsewhere in the autumn.

Lettuce and vegetables
should be sent to his restaurant.

Er... and now, I'd like to play you
a short piece of music.

I'd like to but I've never learned to play
a musical instrument

and he's gone!

Gone to the great delicatessen in the sky!

I don't know what to do! It's all so...

- (SHE SOBS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

MAN:
Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

- Help...
- Hello.

Help!

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me, but you're famous, aren't you?

Aren't you that fella on the television?

- Yes.
- I thought, yeah.

- Could you get me some help, please?
- I thought it were you

I never forget a face.
You've got that show, haven't you? Erm...

Comic-y, what? Comic, er...

- Comedy Capers.
- Comedy Capers, that's the one!

That's the show!

Terrible.

Well, well, well.
It's a small world, inn't it?

And you're, you're whatshisname in it.

You're that, erm...

- You're what's-his-name...
- Mungo Studibaker.

That's the one! You're right, you're him!

Mungo Studibaker.

My word, you're a lot uglier in real life,
aren't you?

Could you possibly get me some help, please,
Mr, er...?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Haven't introduced me self, have I?

My name is Rex. Hugh Rex.

Have you heard of me?

- No.
- No.

'Cause I'm in your trade, like,
in your business.

I do a bit me self. I'm only an amateur.

Here ya are, look, I do song and dance.

Right, listen to this.

# Funny things can be yours if you smile #

# All the time, and always lend a... #

- Help!
- # ...ing hand #

That's all. Great.

I tell gags too, you know.
Have you heard this one?

What were Caesar's last words?

No, go on, go on, go on.
What were Caesar's last words?

- Help!
- Oh, you've heard it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

No, no, seriously though, Mung...

You know, hope you don't mind, like,
but you see...

we have a bet, like, at home,
when your show's on.

And, er, just between you and us, like, er...

Do you wear a wig?

No!

No, you don't? Are you sure?

No, you don't, do you?

Looks just like one!

Could you fetch me some help, please?

You're a funny one, you're a wag.

Hey, what? Help?

Hold on, yeah, I'll fetch me wife.

Don't go away, will ya?
She'd love to meet you.

Hey, Sheil!

- Sheila!
- WOMAN: What is it, Rod?

Come up here quick, it's that fella!

That Mungo Studibaker
who's on the television!

Ooh, gerroff, it never is!

It is, look, there he is.
And you'll never guess what, look.

He don't wear a wig!

Oh, isn't he ugly?

I know, I've told him that.

Ooh, he's very ugly!

Still, I better get a picture.
Take a picture.

Alright, I'll take a picture.

That's it. Now, you be careful
you don't fall over, darlin'.

Hey, Mung! Mung, could you come up a bit?

Yeah, could you... Right, now smile.

- Now smile, love!
- Cheese! Cheese!

- ROD: Hold it!
- SHEILA: Cheese!

Lovely, lovely. Beautiful.

Hey, listen, would you mind signing this,
please?

For a little girl I know,
she loves your show.

- She loves that show!
- She's only young...

You know, she doesn't really understand
these things.

Oh, here!

- It's not a wig, is it?
- I know! And it looks like one!

- I told him that.
- Yeah, it does.

Would you get me some help, please!

- Here, don't shout.
- Charming, isn't he?

Goes straight to some people's heads,
doesn't it?

(SPLASH)

Look at that, he's gone off with our pencil!

Honestly, some people...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(THEME TUNE PLAYS)

ALL:
Oi!

ANNOUNCER:
The life and adventures of Captain Fantastic.

We bring you yet another thrilling
instalment in Episode Five!

Return to Nowhere Station.

The story so far

Oh!

Ah... ah. A-ha.

Yes, um...

The story so far is that, um,
Captain Fantastic is chasing Mrs Black

the most evil woman in the world

and, um, last week,
she lured him into a magnetic field

and he discovered that she was trying
to take over London

and he got stuck on the magnet.

And who put this in my book?

CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.

In a flash, I short-circuited the magnet...

and I was free!

Pursuing the foe,
I found myself back at Nowhere Station.

And something caught my eye.

So, Mrs Black thought she was safe, did she?

In no time at all, I was up the pole.

(KETTLE WHISTLES)

Ooh, oh...

Ooh, ooh!

Ah...

I crept up, determined to surprise her.

But she was nowhere to be seen!

I sat down to think.

This was all rather damp.

Jiminy cricket!

So, she'd gone down with the flu!

It was time for action!

And first, the Blit Men!

- (DEVICE BEEPS)
- (WHOOSH)

I instantly employed my anti-personnel
manoeuvre number 42

stroke 536B.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

Heh! They fled in confusion.

But that whistle
had started a train of thought...

and I pursued them.

I could hardly believe my eyes!

When I saw them board a train
which wasn't there!

Was this part of her evil plan
to seize control of the world?

Where was she off to?

The situation called for action.

And suddenly, my eyes lighted on a clue.

Mrs Black had dropped her card.

"Mrs Black, Evil Deeds Limited."

"Cauldron Hall, Black Lane, Frinton."

There was no time to lose.

ANNOUNCER: Will Captain Fantastic succeed
in tracing Mrs Black to her lair in Frinton?

Can he capture her horrible handbag?

Fnd out in next week's Captain Fantastic.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(GRAND MUSIC PLAYS)

# A captain bold and brave am I #

# Sailing o'er the sea #

# A maiden shy adrift am I #

# A shipwrecked sailor, me #

# An admiral of the fleet I am #

# Bedecked with ribbons grand #

# And I am Bob the cabin boy #

# And we're the pirate band whey! #

There, now we all know each other,
how about a little drink, eh?

(THEY CLAMOUR)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Good evening.

Tonight, I'd like to appeal to you.

But instead, I'd like to finish
the whole show on a personal note.

(HE HUMS A NOTE)

Next week, I shall be here to finish
the whole show on a personal chord.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I slipped up there, didn't I?

Oh, my word. Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, dear.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)