Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Oi!
I said, Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Now, Miss Coffey,
nothing to be nervous about.
If you see the man, just point him out to us,
will you?
Eric Idle.
Six foot one. Scar, left nostril.
David Jason.
David Jason, five foot five.
Known stamp collector.
Terry Jones.
Five foot eight. One of the finest
nutcrackers in the business.
Michael Palin.
Five foot 11. Known to us as "Banana Face".
No?
It's you!
- You! You slime!
- Yeah, right.
You slime! You filthy beast!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(THEY PLAY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(THEY PLAY A WALTZ)
Well, this is this morning's lesson.
The frontal epidioscope,
and it's owned by a Mr Thompson from...
Yeugh! Nasty place to come from.
No wonder he's got it.
Well, he's a fairly poor specimen of it,
I'm afraid
but he's the best we could get hold of
in the short time available
- for you to fiddle around with.
- Thank you, sir.
Right, well, he's suffering from pains here.
- (HE SCREAMS)
- In the cathartes here.
- (HE SCREAMS)
- And in the frontal epidioscope here.
(HE WAILS)
But I don't believe it.
- Right, well, feel the bump.
- Yes.
(HE SCREAMS)
Good.
(PATIENT SCREAMS)
Very good one, sir.
You do, of course, get a lot better,
bigger ones than those, of course.
Take your pyjamas off.
We put him on BO69.
Would you take your pyjamas off?
The trouble is, you don't give them
private things unless they're...
Will you take your pyjamas off?
Not the bottoms, man.
This isn't a strip club.
Now, then. Let's have a look at this
obtruded stipend, shall we?
Again, it's a fairly poor specimen.
We had a good one in here last week.
The trouble is, just when they're beginning
to come on, the patients tend to go off.
Now, what do you is, you see,
you give it a slap.
See if there's any life in it.
(HE YELLS)
And there's not very much life in that one.
Have a go, Osgood.
(HE YELLS)
Hendricks?
Now, don't draw back, lad, you see?
You've gotta give it all you've got.
You don't learn now, you never will.
I never did.
Now, keep the hand taut.
(HE YELLS)
Very good, very good.
Right, well, breathe in.
- (OSGOOD INHALES)
- Not you, Osgood.
- In.
- (HE GASPS)
- In.
- (HE GASPS)
Hold it. Now, you see that's
asparagus head there.
- Ooh.
- The best one I've seen, sir.
Oh, it is rather good, isn't it?
It's wonderful, the way you can overlook
things like that, isn't it?
And dangerous. Turn over.
We had a chap in here last week,
I kept him in a fortnight for observation
tested him for chickenpox, measles, mumps,
warts, spots before the nose
couldn't find it.
What was the matter?
- He'd broken his leg.
- Oh.
Well, then,
this is the Professor Bigley Line, here.
And this is the Maginot Line here.
Now then, Osgood, where would you say
his Noah's apple was?
Erm, ahem. Well...
about there, sir.
No. Hendricks?
Erm...
- There, sir?
- No, no.
I'll make it a bit simpler for you.
OSGOOD:
There, sir. Must be.
HENDRICKS:
There, sir.
OSGOOD:
Well... that completes it, sir.
Well done, Osgood.
You go on to meet Nurse Blake in the finals.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thanks very much.
Oh. Breathe out.
(HE GASPS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Hello, children and mothers under five.
It's 2:15,
and time for Aunty Denise's Fivers Club.
Introduced as always by Aunty Denise.
Hello again, Fivers.
First of all, I want to say a big thank you
to you for all the lovely presents
you've made and sent in to me.
Thank you.
Today, I'm going to show you
how to build a house
of cards.
It's very easy.
All you need is a little patience as you...
as you build the cards one on top of the...
Well, to save time, I've already built one
here in the studio.
And here it is.
You must be very careful
not to jog the table.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Another thing we can do with cards
is card tricks.
Spread the...
Spread the pack out,
ask a friend to choose a card
replace it in the pack and you will be able
to tell them which card they chose.
Uncle Mikey!
I'm going to look away. You choose a card.
Show it to the children, replace it,
and I'll tell you which card you chose.
Ready?
Right.
Uncle Mikey chose...
the ace of clubs.
Now, you'll be wondering how I knew that.
It's very...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, it's time for Uncle David
to show us a trick.
Er, well, Uncle David will be back next week
to show us how to wake up.
And now, it's Spotters Corner.
Last week, we asked you to spot Big Ben
and this week's winner is little Clive James
of Guildford
who spotted seven.
Well done, Clive.
Now for this week's competition.
See how many of the following you can spot
during the next week.
First of all, yes.
It's a policeman.
Two points for the friendly policeman.
Next we have the lovable duck.
See his webbed feet
and how he waddles his beak.
Three points for the duck.
And finally, the old cow.
Four points if you spot the cow.
Well, it's time for us to go now.
So until next week, goodbye, everybody.
Goodbye.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
He is fast!
He is strong!
He is fierce!
He's Captain Fantastic!
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
Last week,
whilst pursuing the mysterious tree
I found myself trapped
in a hostile boating pond.
There was only one thing to do.
Escape.
But something was wrong.
Somehow, I had lost my way.
Somewhere out there,
I knew lurked the tree I was looking for.
Suddenly, something caught my eye.
The search was over!
And the chase was on.
(CAR HORN BEEPS)
(BAND PLAYS)
Suddenly, I caught sight
of the mysterious tree again.
It was Mrs Black!
The most evil woman in the world.
What had she in store for me?
I was soon to find out...
(RADAR BEEPS)
ANNOUNCER: What unseen power lurks
in Mrs Black's handbag?
What fate lies in store
for Captain Fantastic?
Who invented the Kirby grip?
Send your answers on a postcard, please
to the scriptwriters, Do Not Adjust Your Set,
Rediffusion, London.
- (COIN RATTLES)
- Thank you.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT):
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's talent-spotting time once again,
and this week, we give a very first break
to a gentleman who's just starting out
on that wonderful road
in show business.
And his chance of a lifetime comes true
as we introduce for you now
for the very first time on television,
a wonderful singer, ladies and gentlemen
from Foots Cray South, Milton Cornplaster.
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(GUITAR STRUMS)
(GUITAR SOLO PLAYS)
- (TRUMPET SOLO)
- (TAMBOURINE TAPS)
Well, we're gonna have to take a little break
there now but we're gonna be back with you
in just a moment.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
# ...and you! #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Well, this is someone...
this is someone we're gonna see a lot more of
in the future, ladies and gentlemen
Milton Cornplaster.
Lovely to have had you on the show, Milton.
Thank you very much.
Now, friends, friends, friends.
Three years ago,
four unknown boys and one little girl
came all the way down from sunny Liverpool
and just look at them now.
Six men.
On three, four...
(MUSIC: "LOOK OUT, THERE'S A MONSTER COMING"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# Lonely unmarried, looking for love #
# Life was passing me by #
# So I sent off me photo, hobbies and age
# Magazine marriage I tried #
# They say for centuries
lovely Japanese girls #
# Have been trained in the art
of pleasing men #
# Be lonely no more, open destiny's door #
# Dollar they arrange a meeting #
# My image was wrong, I didn't like me #
# So I changed my personality #
# I bought a deluxe Mersey beat wig #
# But it was a size too big #
# What confidence in my new built-up shoes #
# So smart for winter or summer #
# Undetectable in normal everyday use #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
Ooh!
# Carnaby clothes, I reshaped me nose #
# Plastic surgery's best #
# Be popular learn to play the guitar #
# Learn to play the guitar #
# In seven days, you could be strumming #
# Be sociable, learn kissing technique #
(IN CROAKY VOICE):
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
(THEY PLAY BACH'S TOCCATA THEME OMINOUSLY)
(IN CROAKY VOICE):
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Disfiguring and ugly my facial hair #
# I had removed electrically #
Ooh!
# Rejuvenated my energy cells #
# And regained my virility #
# And with a hand on my heart #
# I need to change any parts #
# I had a machine for a mummy #
# Be gentle with me
I come to pieces, literally #
(IN CROAKY VOICE FOR REFRAIN):
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Good evening. This is the...
Good evening. This is...
Hello again.
Good evening. This is the giant Concorde.
Tonight, we show you how
some of the early difficulties were overcome
by the determination of a few brilliant men.
(HE IMITATES FIGHTER PLANE)
- Oh, stop it, Jenkinson!
- One more go?
They'll be here any minute. No, no, no.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- That's him, quick!
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Ah! Bonjour, monsieur
Ah. Bonjour, monsieur
This is the head office
of the British section
- of the Concorde développement?
- Yes, yes, that's right.
My name's, um...
er... Phillips!
And I'm in charge here.
And that's my assistant, Jenkinson.
- Hello.
- I will not waste your time, gentlemen.
My name is André La Torre
and I am the chief liaison officer
for the French section of the Concorde.
And my government have sent me here to see
how you are progressing with the aeroplane.
The what?
With the Concorde aeroplane.
A-ha! You mean HMS Concorde?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean the Concorde Supersonic Aeroplane.
Oh. Ah...
Hoo. Well, hang on a sec,
I think there's been a bit of a mistake.
You see, we're building a ship.
Anyway, don't worry. I'll have a word
with Jenkinson, he's got the plans.
Jenkinson! Where's your diary?
This fellow here says Concorde's
supposed to be an aeroplane.
You said it was a ship.
- (HE WHISPERS)
- It was a what?
- (HE GIGGLES)
- Well, it's a very silly joke.
Ah...
Yes, you're quite right. Ah!
Yes, you're quite right.
Concorde is an aeroplane.
Ah, bon.
- Then how are you progressing?
- Well...
We've had a few setbacks recently,
with the...
deckchairs.
No, Monsieur, I mean with the Concorde.
Yes, that's right.
The deckchairs. For Concorde.
Deckchairs?
But er... what about, er, the, er, fuselage?
Oh, that! Oh, well... um, yes.
We're starting on that tomorrow.
- But I'm going to the pictures!
- Well, you can't!
What about
the navigational instruments, then?
Er, mm.
Yes, well, I'll be starting on those tomorrow
as well
while Jenkinson's making the fuselage.
I see. But, er... then, what have you got?
Well, I say, we have these deckchairs.
They're rather good.
They're specially adjustable,
thermostatically heated and...
Excusez-moi,
how long have you been, er, working on this?
- Oh, um...
- Oh, about three years!
Three years?
You mean the two of you have been working
for three years on deckchairs?
Lord, no. There's over 300 men working here.
There's only room in here for two at once,
you see? That's really the trouble.
Excusez-moi, look,
I think I may be very stupid.
- Yes.
- Yes, yes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Are you trying to tell me that your only
contribution to the Concorde project
is a deckchair?
They are adjust...
- They are adjustable.
- Yes.
And Jenkinson's made some jolly good shelves.
- Strong.
- Yes, but I cannot see what
a deckchair has to do with the Concorde?
- Why don't you have a go?
- I suppose...
No, have a go,
it's on the lawn ready for testing.
Monsieur, I have come here to see
how you have got on with the...
- Just go onto the lawn...
- But I don't want to go in the deckchair.
Have a go, just sit in it, just sit in it.
(HE BLOWS)
Are you there, Monsieur Latour?
LATOUR:
Yes, oui, I am here.
Do you like it?
Well, it is very comfortable but I do not see
what it has...
- Right-o, Jenkinson.
- Right.
(ENGINE ROARS)
(THEY COUGH)
Well, he should be in New York about teatime.
We've done it! Woo!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Let down your hair, Miss Pringle.
Take off your glasses.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(BAND PLAY)
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# Not too many or two few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# There's not a single thing
we wouldn't do for us #
# Through troubles thick and thin #
# We'll face them chin-to-chin #
# The two of us will win,
just the two of us #
# Three's a crowd #
# When there's just the two of you
you feel so proud #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# Not too many or too few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
# Three's a crowd #
# When there's just the two of you
you feel so proud #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# Not too many or too few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
# Three's a crowd #
# When there's just the two of you
you feel so proud #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
- (THEY SQUABBLE)
- # Not too many or too few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Oi!
I said, Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Now, Miss Coffey,
nothing to be nervous about.
If you see the man, just point him out to us,
will you?
Eric Idle.
Six foot one. Scar, left nostril.
David Jason.
David Jason, five foot five.
Known stamp collector.
Terry Jones.
Five foot eight. One of the finest
nutcrackers in the business.
Michael Palin.
Five foot 11. Known to us as "Banana Face".
No?
It's you!
- You! You slime!
- Yeah, right.
You slime! You filthy beast!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(THEY PLAY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(THEY PLAY A WALTZ)
Well, this is this morning's lesson.
The frontal epidioscope,
and it's owned by a Mr Thompson from...
Yeugh! Nasty place to come from.
No wonder he's got it.
Well, he's a fairly poor specimen of it,
I'm afraid
but he's the best we could get hold of
in the short time available
- for you to fiddle around with.
- Thank you, sir.
Right, well, he's suffering from pains here.
- (HE SCREAMS)
- In the cathartes here.
- (HE SCREAMS)
- And in the frontal epidioscope here.
(HE WAILS)
But I don't believe it.
- Right, well, feel the bump.
- Yes.
(HE SCREAMS)
Good.
(PATIENT SCREAMS)
Very good one, sir.
You do, of course, get a lot better,
bigger ones than those, of course.
Take your pyjamas off.
We put him on BO69.
Would you take your pyjamas off?
The trouble is, you don't give them
private things unless they're...
Will you take your pyjamas off?
Not the bottoms, man.
This isn't a strip club.
Now, then. Let's have a look at this
obtruded stipend, shall we?
Again, it's a fairly poor specimen.
We had a good one in here last week.
The trouble is, just when they're beginning
to come on, the patients tend to go off.
Now, what do you is, you see,
you give it a slap.
See if there's any life in it.
(HE YELLS)
And there's not very much life in that one.
Have a go, Osgood.
(HE YELLS)
Hendricks?
Now, don't draw back, lad, you see?
You've gotta give it all you've got.
You don't learn now, you never will.
I never did.
Now, keep the hand taut.
(HE YELLS)
Very good, very good.
Right, well, breathe in.
- (OSGOOD INHALES)
- Not you, Osgood.
- In.
- (HE GASPS)
- In.
- (HE GASPS)
Hold it. Now, you see that's
asparagus head there.
- Ooh.
- The best one I've seen, sir.
Oh, it is rather good, isn't it?
It's wonderful, the way you can overlook
things like that, isn't it?
And dangerous. Turn over.
We had a chap in here last week,
I kept him in a fortnight for observation
tested him for chickenpox, measles, mumps,
warts, spots before the nose
couldn't find it.
What was the matter?
- He'd broken his leg.
- Oh.
Well, then,
this is the Professor Bigley Line, here.
And this is the Maginot Line here.
Now then, Osgood, where would you say
his Noah's apple was?
Erm, ahem. Well...
about there, sir.
No. Hendricks?
Erm...
- There, sir?
- No, no.
I'll make it a bit simpler for you.
OSGOOD:
There, sir. Must be.
HENDRICKS:
There, sir.
OSGOOD:
Well... that completes it, sir.
Well done, Osgood.
You go on to meet Nurse Blake in the finals.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thanks very much.
Oh. Breathe out.
(HE GASPS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Hello, children and mothers under five.
It's 2:15,
and time for Aunty Denise's Fivers Club.
Introduced as always by Aunty Denise.
Hello again, Fivers.
First of all, I want to say a big thank you
to you for all the lovely presents
you've made and sent in to me.
Thank you.
Today, I'm going to show you
how to build a house
of cards.
It's very easy.
All you need is a little patience as you...
as you build the cards one on top of the...
Well, to save time, I've already built one
here in the studio.
And here it is.
You must be very careful
not to jog the table.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Another thing we can do with cards
is card tricks.
Spread the...
Spread the pack out,
ask a friend to choose a card
replace it in the pack and you will be able
to tell them which card they chose.
Uncle Mikey!
I'm going to look away. You choose a card.
Show it to the children, replace it,
and I'll tell you which card you chose.
Ready?
Right.
Uncle Mikey chose...
the ace of clubs.
Now, you'll be wondering how I knew that.
It's very...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, it's time for Uncle David
to show us a trick.
Er, well, Uncle David will be back next week
to show us how to wake up.
And now, it's Spotters Corner.
Last week, we asked you to spot Big Ben
and this week's winner is little Clive James
of Guildford
who spotted seven.
Well done, Clive.
Now for this week's competition.
See how many of the following you can spot
during the next week.
First of all, yes.
It's a policeman.
Two points for the friendly policeman.
Next we have the lovable duck.
See his webbed feet
and how he waddles his beak.
Three points for the duck.
And finally, the old cow.
Four points if you spot the cow.
Well, it's time for us to go now.
So until next week, goodbye, everybody.
Goodbye.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
He is fast!
He is strong!
He is fierce!
He's Captain Fantastic!
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
Last week,
whilst pursuing the mysterious tree
I found myself trapped
in a hostile boating pond.
There was only one thing to do.
Escape.
But something was wrong.
Somehow, I had lost my way.
Somewhere out there,
I knew lurked the tree I was looking for.
Suddenly, something caught my eye.
The search was over!
And the chase was on.
(CAR HORN BEEPS)
(BAND PLAYS)
Suddenly, I caught sight
of the mysterious tree again.
It was Mrs Black!
The most evil woman in the world.
What had she in store for me?
I was soon to find out...
(RADAR BEEPS)
ANNOUNCER: What unseen power lurks
in Mrs Black's handbag?
What fate lies in store
for Captain Fantastic?
Who invented the Kirby grip?
Send your answers on a postcard, please
to the scriptwriters, Do Not Adjust Your Set,
Rediffusion, London.
- (COIN RATTLES)
- Thank you.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT):
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's talent-spotting time once again,
and this week, we give a very first break
to a gentleman who's just starting out
on that wonderful road
in show business.
And his chance of a lifetime comes true
as we introduce for you now
for the very first time on television,
a wonderful singer, ladies and gentlemen
from Foots Cray South, Milton Cornplaster.
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(TAMBOURINE TAPS)
(TRUMPET SOLO PLAYS)
(GUITAR STRUMS)
(GUITAR SOLO PLAYS)
- (TRUMPET SOLO)
- (TAMBOURINE TAPS)
Well, we're gonna have to take a little break
there now but we're gonna be back with you
in just a moment.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
# ...and you! #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Well, this is someone...
this is someone we're gonna see a lot more of
in the future, ladies and gentlemen
Milton Cornplaster.
Lovely to have had you on the show, Milton.
Thank you very much.
Now, friends, friends, friends.
Three years ago,
four unknown boys and one little girl
came all the way down from sunny Liverpool
and just look at them now.
Six men.
On three, four...
(MUSIC: "LOOK OUT, THERE'S A MONSTER COMING"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# Lonely unmarried, looking for love #
# Life was passing me by #
# So I sent off me photo, hobbies and age
# Magazine marriage I tried #
# They say for centuries
lovely Japanese girls #
# Have been trained in the art
of pleasing men #
# Be lonely no more, open destiny's door #
# Dollar they arrange a meeting #
# My image was wrong, I didn't like me #
# So I changed my personality #
# I bought a deluxe Mersey beat wig #
# But it was a size too big #
# What confidence in my new built-up shoes #
# So smart for winter or summer #
# Undetectable in normal everyday use #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
Ooh!
# Carnaby clothes, I reshaped me nose #
# Plastic surgery's best #
# Be popular learn to play the guitar #
# Learn to play the guitar #
# In seven days, you could be strumming #
# Be sociable, learn kissing technique #
(IN CROAKY VOICE):
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
(THEY PLAY BACH'S TOCCATA THEME OMINOUSLY)
(IN CROAKY VOICE):
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Disfiguring and ugly my facial hair #
# I had removed electrically #
Ooh!
# Rejuvenated my energy cells #
# And regained my virility #
# And with a hand on my heart #
# I need to change any parts #
# I had a machine for a mummy #
# Be gentle with me
I come to pieces, literally #
(IN CROAKY VOICE FOR REFRAIN):
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
# Look out, there's a monster coming #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Good evening. This is the...
Good evening. This is...
Hello again.
Good evening. This is the giant Concorde.
Tonight, we show you how
some of the early difficulties were overcome
by the determination of a few brilliant men.
(HE IMITATES FIGHTER PLANE)
- Oh, stop it, Jenkinson!
- One more go?
They'll be here any minute. No, no, no.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- That's him, quick!
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Ah! Bonjour, monsieur
Ah. Bonjour, monsieur
This is the head office
of the British section
- of the Concorde développement?
- Yes, yes, that's right.
My name's, um...
er... Phillips!
And I'm in charge here.
And that's my assistant, Jenkinson.
- Hello.
- I will not waste your time, gentlemen.
My name is André La Torre
and I am the chief liaison officer
for the French section of the Concorde.
And my government have sent me here to see
how you are progressing with the aeroplane.
The what?
With the Concorde aeroplane.
A-ha! You mean HMS Concorde?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean the Concorde Supersonic Aeroplane.
Oh. Ah...
Hoo. Well, hang on a sec,
I think there's been a bit of a mistake.
You see, we're building a ship.
Anyway, don't worry. I'll have a word
with Jenkinson, he's got the plans.
Jenkinson! Where's your diary?
This fellow here says Concorde's
supposed to be an aeroplane.
You said it was a ship.
- (HE WHISPERS)
- It was a what?
- (HE GIGGLES)
- Well, it's a very silly joke.
Ah...
Yes, you're quite right. Ah!
Yes, you're quite right.
Concorde is an aeroplane.
Ah, bon.
- Then how are you progressing?
- Well...
We've had a few setbacks recently,
with the...
deckchairs.
No, Monsieur, I mean with the Concorde.
Yes, that's right.
The deckchairs. For Concorde.
Deckchairs?
But er... what about, er, the, er, fuselage?
Oh, that! Oh, well... um, yes.
We're starting on that tomorrow.
- But I'm going to the pictures!
- Well, you can't!
What about
the navigational instruments, then?
Er, mm.
Yes, well, I'll be starting on those tomorrow
as well
while Jenkinson's making the fuselage.
I see. But, er... then, what have you got?
Well, I say, we have these deckchairs.
They're rather good.
They're specially adjustable,
thermostatically heated and...
Excusez-moi,
how long have you been, er, working on this?
- Oh, um...
- Oh, about three years!
Three years?
You mean the two of you have been working
for three years on deckchairs?
Lord, no. There's over 300 men working here.
There's only room in here for two at once,
you see? That's really the trouble.
Excusez-moi, look,
I think I may be very stupid.
- Yes.
- Yes, yes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Are you trying to tell me that your only
contribution to the Concorde project
is a deckchair?
They are adjust...
- They are adjustable.
- Yes.
And Jenkinson's made some jolly good shelves.
- Strong.
- Yes, but I cannot see what
a deckchair has to do with the Concorde?
- Why don't you have a go?
- I suppose...
No, have a go,
it's on the lawn ready for testing.
Monsieur, I have come here to see
how you have got on with the...
- Just go onto the lawn...
- But I don't want to go in the deckchair.
Have a go, just sit in it, just sit in it.
(HE BLOWS)
Are you there, Monsieur Latour?
LATOUR:
Yes, oui, I am here.
Do you like it?
Well, it is very comfortable but I do not see
what it has...
- Right-o, Jenkinson.
- Right.
(ENGINE ROARS)
(THEY COUGH)
Well, he should be in New York about teatime.
We've done it! Woo!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Let down your hair, Miss Pringle.
Take off your glasses.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(BAND PLAY)
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# Not too many or two few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# There's not a single thing
we wouldn't do for us #
# Through troubles thick and thin #
# We'll face them chin-to-chin #
# The two of us will win,
just the two of us #
# Three's a crowd #
# When there's just the two of you
you feel so proud #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# Not too many or too few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
# Three's a crowd #
# When there's just the two of you
you feel so proud #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
# Not too many or too few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
# Three's a crowd #
# When there's just the two of you
you feel so proud #
# Two of us #
# Just the two of us #
- (THEY SQUABBLE)
- # Not too many or too few of us #
# Two of us together
in every kind of weather #
# Two of us forever just the two of us #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)