Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ALL:
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
I'm Terry Jones, and I'm King Lear.
I'm Eric Idle, and I'm Edmund.
I'm Michael Palin, and I'm Cordelia.
And I'm David Jason,
and I am the King of France.
The Earl of Gloucester,
Edgar, son to the Earl of Gloucester
an old man, a fool, a herald
three servants,
four knights attending the king
and I'm not in this bit.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Good, my liege.
Peace, Kent.
Come not between the dragon and his wrath.
Then poor Cordelia!
But yet not so, since, I am sure
my love's more ponderous than my tongue.
- Royal Lear!
- Call France!
Who stirs?
Call Burgundy, Cornwall and Albany.
The barbarous Scythian,
or he who makes his generation messes
to gorge his appetite.
But soft! I'm Denise Coffey.
What are these strange demented shapes
whirling before my leering eyes
upon the silvered screen?
Fair friends,
I cannot face this foolish flannel.
There must be something better
on the other channel.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
We present number six in the series
"Musicians at Work."
This week, a popular German group,
the Eric Von Tutri Players
formally known as the Eric Von Tutri Four.
(HARPSICHORD PLAYS)
(OBOE PLAYS OUT OF TUNE)
(CAR ENGINE ROARS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
(LOUD CRASH)
(BELL RINGS)
(DISTANT FOOTSTEPS)
(SIREN WAILS)
- (CAR ENGINE ROARS)
- (GUNSHOTS)
- (GUNSHOT)
- (TYRES SCREECH)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HE WHISTLES)
(DOOR BELL JINGLES)
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
Erm, ahem. Could I have
a dozen eggs, please?
Two pounds of stewing steak,
half a pound of tomatoes
three pounds of potatoes, a lettuce,
a tin of peas
and a packet of Cornflakes, please.
- Yes, sir, certainly, sir.
- Thank you.
There we are.
- What's that?
- A tin of shoe polish.
I didn't ask for a tin of shoe polish.
Oh! Sorry, sir.
- Sorry, sir.
- Quite alright.
Ah...
- Well?
- Hm?
Oh, I want a dozen eggs,
two pounds of stewing steak
a half a pound of tomatoes,
three pounds of potatoes
a lettuce, a tin of peas,
and a packet of Cornflakes, please.
Make up your mind, sir.
But I don't...
I don't, no...
- I don't want that, you see?
- Well, look, alright.
Will you wait there while I serve
this gentleman, please?
Just a moment. Hello, Mr Jenkins!
- How are you?
- Hello, er...
- Could I have a tin of shoe polish,
please? - Yes, certainly.
- Alright.
- Here we are.
Dozen eggs, lettuce, tin of peas...
and a packet of Cornflakes.
- (TIN CLATTERS)
- Oh, dear.
Never mind about the peas.
- Thank you. Lovely.
- There you are, Mr Jenkins.
- Could you put it on the bill?
- Yes, I will do indeed.
- Bye-bye.
- Cheerio.
- (DOOR BELL JINGLES)
- Now then...
Made up your mind?
Yes.
Could I have what that
gentleman had, please?
- A tin of shoe polish?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, sir, I sold the last one.
Though I'll tell you what I can give you.
A dozen eggs, two pound of stewing steak
half a pound of tomatoes,
three pound of potatoes, lettuce...
BOTH:
Tin of peas, and a packet of Cornflakes!
That would be alright! I'll just take that.
There you are, sir.
We've got hundreds of them.
(HE SOBS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Good morning, schools.
Have you got the special scientific
apparatus ready for our science lesson?
It consists of a pencil.
Today, we're going to learn about
a weighty matter.
Gravity.
So, let's get right on with our experiment.
Pick up the pencil in your right hand
though, if you're left-handed,
or suffer some disability
one of the others will do just as well.
You'll find it best to hold your pencil
between the fingers.
Hold it firmly,
but there's no need to squeeze.
And don't play with it.
I'm not playing with mine.
Right, well, let's pick up our pencils
and raise them to an altitude
of about 12 inches above
the top of the desk
making sure that there's no obstruction
underneath.
Now, by gently moving your fingers apart,
release your hold on the pencil.
Did you notice what happened?
Your pencil fell.
Mine did. Did yours?
It should've done.
If your pencil refuses to fall,
something may be wrong.
Perhaps you're not letting go hard enough.
Right, well, let's all pick up our pencils
a second time
and let them fall a second time, now.
Just to get an average.
Well, why does your pencil fall?
It falls because it is
attracted by a force.
We scientists call this force "gravity".
G-R-A-V-Y.
Gravity.
And gravity was invented by
a famous scientist called Sir Isaac Newton.
Well, that was 300 years ago now
so he'll be dead.
But remember,
if you do ever forget what gravity is
just pick up your pencil and let it drop.
Goodbye.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "MONSTER MASH"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# I was working in the lab late one night #
# When my eyes beheld an eerie sight #
# For my monster from the slab
began to rise #
# And suddenly to my surprise #
- # He did the mash #
- # He did the monster mash #
- # The monster mash #
- # it was a graveyard smash #
- # The monster mash #
- # It caught on in a flash #
- # The monster mash #
- # He did the monster mash #
# From my laboratory in the castle east #
# To the master bedroom
where the vampires feast #
# The ghouls all came
from their humble abodes #
# To get a jolt from my electrodes #
- # He did the mash #
- # He did the monster mash #
- # The monster mash #
- # it was a graveyard smash #
- # The monster mash #
- # It caught on in a flash #
- # The monster mash #
- # it was the monster mash #
# The zombies were having fun #
# The party had just begun #
# The guests included Wolf Man #
# Dracula and his son #
# The scene was rockin'
All were digging the sounds #
# Igor on chains
Backed by his baying hounds #
# The coffin-crickers
were about to arrive #
# With their vocal group
"The Brain-Surgeon Five" #
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the point in the programme
that's going to give me great
personal pleasure.
I'm going to introduce you
to the electric spoons.
You'll notice that the brainiac device
is already in place
and the professor
is introducing
the special magneto bulb
into the oral stricture
and yes, the maximum voltage is up,
and in a few moments
the countdown's going to begin.
The special rubber gloves are inserted
and the spoons are in place.
The professor's confident, he is dribbling.
The countdown begins now.
MAN:
Two, three, four...
(DEVICE WHIRS AND HUMS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(BABIES CRY)
(BABY CRIES)
Oh, isn't he a lovely boy?
And he looks just like his father.
Mr Thomson?
Oh!
(HE GARGLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Halt! Who goes there?
Friend or foe?
MAN:
Foe!
Oh, blimey.
- (GUNSHOT)
- (MAN YELLS)
(MAN GROANS)
Well done, Foster.
Just testing.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello.
Once a week for the next 14 years,
I'm going to elaborate on well-known
phrases or sayings in common parlance.
Today's phrase is,
"Sticks and stones may break my bones..."
"...but words can never hurt me."
This... ooh!
(SHE YELLS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
In the unceasing war against crime
Scotland Yard uses many devices
and one of these
is known as the stoolpigeon.
The stoolpigeon is a dedicated,
plainclothes policeman
who, cleverly disguised, infiltrates
the very heart of the criminal underworld
by posing as another member of the gang.
He is on his own.
The stoolpigeon must live by his wits.
Right. Now, look,
we just go over the plans, OK?
- Yeah, sure.
- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Evening, all.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Is this, er, Sparker Niftin's pad?
Yeah, I'm Sparker Niftin. What do you want?
I'm the new gang member, PC Waters.
- PC Waters?
- Er...
Peter Charles Waters.
Blimey, for a minute,
I thought he was a copper.
- Oh, no, sir.
- Who sent ya?
The boss sent me.
Oh, right.
Well, you better come and sit down
'cause we're just
going over the plans.
- Righty-o.
- Now...
Right.
Now, the timing of the raid
will go like this...
Tea, Magsy?
Tea? Oh, right, ta, Maisie.
Now, listen carefully
'cause this could be
one of the greatest raids...
One of the greatest raids ever planned.
Oh, bloody hell...
Now, look, we leave the garage in
Duke Street at exactly ten o'clock.
- In the brown car, right?
- Yeah.
Brown car...
- In the brown...
- I see.
What are you doing?
Oh, sorry, sir, I just want the facts.
You don't write anything down!
You keep it there, in your head!
In your E-double-D, your head.
- Yes, certainly.
- Get it?
- Yes.
- Right.
It wasn't the mode of procedure
I was taught at, erm...
gang college.
Now, look.
We gotta be outside the bank
before 10:15, right?
Now then, you, Vince.
You'll take the van and you'll go
and park it round this corner here.
- Right opp...
- Don't do that.
- Why not?
- Eh?
Double yellow lines.
No parking, even front-loading,
between the hours of 6:30am
and 8:30pm.
Listen, wise-guy. Whose side are you on?
I am on the side of the criminal.
Right.
Now, look.
I've timed it right down
to the last second.
At 10:22, the security van comes up
to the back door of the bank.
At 10:24 exactly, the safe is blown.
Now, that will give us 30 seconds
to get from the safe
- into the getaway car.
- Gentlemen!
- That's enough.
- Eh?
I have a nasty surprise for you.
I am not a criminal.
I am, in fact, a stool pigeon.
ALL:
Blimey!
You what?
I am a plainclothes police officer
in disguise.
So am I.
Superintendent Jackson, CID.
- What?
- So am I!
Sergeant Pepper, Criminal Records.
So am I. Police Constable
Raymond Francis, Q Division.
Policewoman Valerie Foster, C Division!
Blimey! We're all coppers.
You mean... this isn't the very heart
of the criminal underworld
where lurks some of Britain's
most notorious villains?
What are we gonna do, Super?
Can you blow a safe, Sergeant?
Well, actually, I can...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(PIANO PLAYS)
Life's like that, isn't it?
I mean, only the other day I was sauntering
in the West End when suddenly
I was set upon by hordes of fans and
admirers who wanted to touch my clothes.
Wildly, I sought for sanctuary
and I found myself
in the darkness of a cinema. Normally,
of course, I wouldn't be in there.
But that day, I saw something rather
special. Something that really moved me.
I want to share this experience with you.
It was The Sound Of Music.
- # The hills are alive #
- (MUSIC CRASHES)
# With the sound of music #
(THEY SING OPERATICALLY)
(MUSIC CLAMOURS)
(THEY SCREECH AND SING)
(MUSIC CLAMOURS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I want to tell you something about the film
which you are about to see.
Tonight, we're going to show you
one of the most extraordinary sights
ever seen on television screens.
- Oh!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Switch it off! Switch it off!
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
As usual, I was having my lunch when...
(EXPLOSION)
My instinct told me that
something was wrong.
My first job was to contact base.
(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
At last, I found what I was looking for.
(ERRATIC MUSIC)
(RADAR BEEPS)
(NEARBY RUMBLE)
(SHIP HORN BELLOWS)
ANNOUNCER:
Who is the mysterious tree?
Who was in the exploding lunchbox?
Who was the first man to drink the Channel?
Will Captain Fantastic survive the horrors
of the boating pond?
See next week's exciting adventure!
Or don't as the case may be.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(THEY LAUGH)
(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT):
Welcome to the Tartan Thistle Club...
(MEN TALK OVER HER)
Aye up, listen!
Hush your... wheesht, lads.
Err, I would like to introduce you now
to a very talented duo
the wee MacGeorgie Bandie.
And here he is, the man
himself, Rabby Band.
(THEY CHEER)
Thank you very much.
Well, we'd like to sing you a wee old
Scottish, croftish folk ballad.
Which is entitled "Get Your Kilt On
The Right Way Round, Johnny"
or "Will You Stop Your Tickling, Jock?"
(THEY LAUGH)
- Oh!
- Let's away now.
# Oh, wee MacBanda was a dolly
From the west ofHealey #
# Doon he came to Edinburgh,
with Tooley and with Teaglie #
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
(HE SINGS NONSENSE)
(THEY CLAMOUR)
(HE SINGS NONSENSE)
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
(HE SINGS NONSENSE)
(THEY LAUGH)
(SHE SINGS NONSENSE)
# He tickled his mither
and he tickled his fither #
# And he tickled his wee young coo #
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
# Ballad's on the ceilng #
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
(THEY SING NONSENSE)
(THEY WHOOP)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
Now, who's for a wee little drinkie?
(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ALL:
Do Not Adjust Your Set.
I'm Terry Jones, and I'm King Lear.
I'm Eric Idle, and I'm Edmund.
I'm Michael Palin, and I'm Cordelia.
And I'm David Jason,
and I am the King of France.
The Earl of Gloucester,
Edgar, son to the Earl of Gloucester
an old man, a fool, a herald
three servants,
four knights attending the king
and I'm not in this bit.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Good, my liege.
Peace, Kent.
Come not between the dragon and his wrath.
Then poor Cordelia!
But yet not so, since, I am sure
my love's more ponderous than my tongue.
- Royal Lear!
- Call France!
Who stirs?
Call Burgundy, Cornwall and Albany.
The barbarous Scythian,
or he who makes his generation messes
to gorge his appetite.
But soft! I'm Denise Coffey.
What are these strange demented shapes
whirling before my leering eyes
upon the silvered screen?
Fair friends,
I cannot face this foolish flannel.
There must be something better
on the other channel.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
We present number six in the series
"Musicians at Work."
This week, a popular German group,
the Eric Von Tutri Players
formally known as the Eric Von Tutri Four.
(HARPSICHORD PLAYS)
(OBOE PLAYS OUT OF TUNE)
(CAR ENGINE ROARS)
(TYRES SCREECH)
(LOUD CRASH)
(BELL RINGS)
(DISTANT FOOTSTEPS)
(SIREN WAILS)
- (CAR ENGINE ROARS)
- (GUNSHOTS)
- (GUNSHOT)
- (TYRES SCREECH)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HE WHISTLES)
(DOOR BELL JINGLES)
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
Erm, ahem. Could I have
a dozen eggs, please?
Two pounds of stewing steak,
half a pound of tomatoes
three pounds of potatoes, a lettuce,
a tin of peas
and a packet of Cornflakes, please.
- Yes, sir, certainly, sir.
- Thank you.
There we are.
- What's that?
- A tin of shoe polish.
I didn't ask for a tin of shoe polish.
Oh! Sorry, sir.
- Sorry, sir.
- Quite alright.
Ah...
- Well?
- Hm?
Oh, I want a dozen eggs,
two pounds of stewing steak
a half a pound of tomatoes,
three pounds of potatoes
a lettuce, a tin of peas,
and a packet of Cornflakes, please.
Make up your mind, sir.
But I don't...
I don't, no...
- I don't want that, you see?
- Well, look, alright.
Will you wait there while I serve
this gentleman, please?
Just a moment. Hello, Mr Jenkins!
- How are you?
- Hello, er...
- Could I have a tin of shoe polish,
please? - Yes, certainly.
- Alright.
- Here we are.
Dozen eggs, lettuce, tin of peas...
and a packet of Cornflakes.
- (TIN CLATTERS)
- Oh, dear.
Never mind about the peas.
- Thank you. Lovely.
- There you are, Mr Jenkins.
- Could you put it on the bill?
- Yes, I will do indeed.
- Bye-bye.
- Cheerio.
- (DOOR BELL JINGLES)
- Now then...
Made up your mind?
Yes.
Could I have what that
gentleman had, please?
- A tin of shoe polish?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, sir, I sold the last one.
Though I'll tell you what I can give you.
A dozen eggs, two pound of stewing steak
half a pound of tomatoes,
three pound of potatoes, lettuce...
BOTH:
Tin of peas, and a packet of Cornflakes!
That would be alright! I'll just take that.
There you are, sir.
We've got hundreds of them.
(HE SOBS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Good morning, schools.
Have you got the special scientific
apparatus ready for our science lesson?
It consists of a pencil.
Today, we're going to learn about
a weighty matter.
Gravity.
So, let's get right on with our experiment.
Pick up the pencil in your right hand
though, if you're left-handed,
or suffer some disability
one of the others will do just as well.
You'll find it best to hold your pencil
between the fingers.
Hold it firmly,
but there's no need to squeeze.
And don't play with it.
I'm not playing with mine.
Right, well, let's pick up our pencils
and raise them to an altitude
of about 12 inches above
the top of the desk
making sure that there's no obstruction
underneath.
Now, by gently moving your fingers apart,
release your hold on the pencil.
Did you notice what happened?
Your pencil fell.
Mine did. Did yours?
It should've done.
If your pencil refuses to fall,
something may be wrong.
Perhaps you're not letting go hard enough.
Right, well, let's all pick up our pencils
a second time
and let them fall a second time, now.
Just to get an average.
Well, why does your pencil fall?
It falls because it is
attracted by a force.
We scientists call this force "gravity".
G-R-A-V-Y.
Gravity.
And gravity was invented by
a famous scientist called Sir Isaac Newton.
Well, that was 300 years ago now
so he'll be dead.
But remember,
if you do ever forget what gravity is
just pick up your pencil and let it drop.
Goodbye.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "MONSTER MASH"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# I was working in the lab late one night #
# When my eyes beheld an eerie sight #
# For my monster from the slab
began to rise #
# And suddenly to my surprise #
- # He did the mash #
- # He did the monster mash #
- # The monster mash #
- # it was a graveyard smash #
- # The monster mash #
- # It caught on in a flash #
- # The monster mash #
- # He did the monster mash #
# From my laboratory in the castle east #
# To the master bedroom
where the vampires feast #
# The ghouls all came
from their humble abodes #
# To get a jolt from my electrodes #
- # He did the mash #
- # He did the monster mash #
- # The monster mash #
- # it was a graveyard smash #
- # The monster mash #
- # It caught on in a flash #
- # The monster mash #
- # it was the monster mash #
# The zombies were having fun #
# The party had just begun #
# The guests included Wolf Man #
# Dracula and his son #
# The scene was rockin'
All were digging the sounds #
# Igor on chains
Backed by his baying hounds #
# The coffin-crickers
were about to arrive #
# With their vocal group
"The Brain-Surgeon Five" #
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the point in the programme
that's going to give me great
personal pleasure.
I'm going to introduce you
to the electric spoons.
You'll notice that the brainiac device
is already in place
and the professor
is introducing
the special magneto bulb
into the oral stricture
and yes, the maximum voltage is up,
and in a few moments
the countdown's going to begin.
The special rubber gloves are inserted
and the spoons are in place.
The professor's confident, he is dribbling.
The countdown begins now.
MAN:
Two, three, four...
(DEVICE WHIRS AND HUMS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(BABIES CRY)
(BABY CRIES)
Oh, isn't he a lovely boy?
And he looks just like his father.
Mr Thomson?
Oh!
(HE GARGLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Halt! Who goes there?
Friend or foe?
MAN:
Foe!
Oh, blimey.
- (GUNSHOT)
- (MAN YELLS)
(MAN GROANS)
Well done, Foster.
Just testing.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello.
Once a week for the next 14 years,
I'm going to elaborate on well-known
phrases or sayings in common parlance.
Today's phrase is,
"Sticks and stones may break my bones..."
"...but words can never hurt me."
This... ooh!
(SHE YELLS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
In the unceasing war against crime
Scotland Yard uses many devices
and one of these
is known as the stoolpigeon.
The stoolpigeon is a dedicated,
plainclothes policeman
who, cleverly disguised, infiltrates
the very heart of the criminal underworld
by posing as another member of the gang.
He is on his own.
The stoolpigeon must live by his wits.
Right. Now, look,
we just go over the plans, OK?
- Yeah, sure.
- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Evening, all.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Is this, er, Sparker Niftin's pad?
Yeah, I'm Sparker Niftin. What do you want?
I'm the new gang member, PC Waters.
- PC Waters?
- Er...
Peter Charles Waters.
Blimey, for a minute,
I thought he was a copper.
- Oh, no, sir.
- Who sent ya?
The boss sent me.
Oh, right.
Well, you better come and sit down
'cause we're just
going over the plans.
- Righty-o.
- Now...
Right.
Now, the timing of the raid
will go like this...
Tea, Magsy?
Tea? Oh, right, ta, Maisie.
Now, listen carefully
'cause this could be
one of the greatest raids...
One of the greatest raids ever planned.
Oh, bloody hell...
Now, look, we leave the garage in
Duke Street at exactly ten o'clock.
- In the brown car, right?
- Yeah.
Brown car...
- In the brown...
- I see.
What are you doing?
Oh, sorry, sir, I just want the facts.
You don't write anything down!
You keep it there, in your head!
In your E-double-D, your head.
- Yes, certainly.
- Get it?
- Yes.
- Right.
It wasn't the mode of procedure
I was taught at, erm...
gang college.
Now, look.
We gotta be outside the bank
before 10:15, right?
Now then, you, Vince.
You'll take the van and you'll go
and park it round this corner here.
- Right opp...
- Don't do that.
- Why not?
- Eh?
Double yellow lines.
No parking, even front-loading,
between the hours of 6:30am
and 8:30pm.
Listen, wise-guy. Whose side are you on?
I am on the side of the criminal.
Right.
Now, look.
I've timed it right down
to the last second.
At 10:22, the security van comes up
to the back door of the bank.
At 10:24 exactly, the safe is blown.
Now, that will give us 30 seconds
to get from the safe
- into the getaway car.
- Gentlemen!
- That's enough.
- Eh?
I have a nasty surprise for you.
I am not a criminal.
I am, in fact, a stool pigeon.
ALL:
Blimey!
You what?
I am a plainclothes police officer
in disguise.
So am I.
Superintendent Jackson, CID.
- What?
- So am I!
Sergeant Pepper, Criminal Records.
So am I. Police Constable
Raymond Francis, Q Division.
Policewoman Valerie Foster, C Division!
Blimey! We're all coppers.
You mean... this isn't the very heart
of the criminal underworld
where lurks some of Britain's
most notorious villains?
What are we gonna do, Super?
Can you blow a safe, Sergeant?
Well, actually, I can...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(PIANO PLAYS)
Life's like that, isn't it?
I mean, only the other day I was sauntering
in the West End when suddenly
I was set upon by hordes of fans and
admirers who wanted to touch my clothes.
Wildly, I sought for sanctuary
and I found myself
in the darkness of a cinema. Normally,
of course, I wouldn't be in there.
But that day, I saw something rather
special. Something that really moved me.
I want to share this experience with you.
It was The Sound Of Music.
- # The hills are alive #
- (MUSIC CRASHES)
# With the sound of music #
(THEY SING OPERATICALLY)
(MUSIC CLAMOURS)
(THEY SCREECH AND SING)
(MUSIC CLAMOURS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I want to tell you something about the film
which you are about to see.
Tonight, we're going to show you
one of the most extraordinary sights
ever seen on television screens.
- Oh!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Switch it off! Switch it off!
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
As usual, I was having my lunch when...
(EXPLOSION)
My instinct told me that
something was wrong.
My first job was to contact base.
(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
At last, I found what I was looking for.
(ERRATIC MUSIC)
(RADAR BEEPS)
(NEARBY RUMBLE)
(SHIP HORN BELLOWS)
ANNOUNCER:
Who is the mysterious tree?
Who was in the exploding lunchbox?
Who was the first man to drink the Channel?
Will Captain Fantastic survive the horrors
of the boating pond?
See next week's exciting adventure!
Or don't as the case may be.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(THEY LAUGH)
(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT):
Welcome to the Tartan Thistle Club...
(MEN TALK OVER HER)
Aye up, listen!
Hush your... wheesht, lads.
Err, I would like to introduce you now
to a very talented duo
the wee MacGeorgie Bandie.
And here he is, the man
himself, Rabby Band.
(THEY CHEER)
Thank you very much.
Well, we'd like to sing you a wee old
Scottish, croftish folk ballad.
Which is entitled "Get Your Kilt On
The Right Way Round, Johnny"
or "Will You Stop Your Tickling, Jock?"
(THEY LAUGH)
- Oh!
- Let's away now.
# Oh, wee MacBanda was a dolly
From the west ofHealey #
# Doon he came to Edinburgh,
with Tooley and with Teaglie #
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
(HE SINGS NONSENSE)
(THEY CLAMOUR)
(HE SINGS NONSENSE)
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
(HE SINGS NONSENSE)
(THEY LAUGH)
(SHE SINGS NONSENSE)
# He tickled his mither
and he tickled his fither #
# And he tickled his wee young coo #
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
# Ballad's on the ceilng #
# Hey MacBallad hey MacBallad #
# Whack, MacBallad, boldy-roll #
# Hey MacBallad nae, MacBallad #
(THEY SING NONSENSE)
(THEY WHOOP)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
Now, who's for a wee little drinkie?
(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)