Divorce (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Away Games - full transcript

I was about to ask you out.

I ran it by Robert, and
he's totally cool with it.

Did he sign the permission slip?

I was thinking I could bring
dinner over tomorrow night.

Why the hell would you wanna do that?

I would like you to meet Henry.

- Meet the new man?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah... yeah!

I'm Taylor's grandfather.
The shoplifter.

Hostile grandpa.

You straightened me out.



I feel like I owe you a dinner.

Henry, this guy, Jeremy,
asks my permission

to ask Frances out on a date.

I hate the idea of Frances
going on a date with Jeremy.

And I'm not even married to her anymore.

No, I want Frances to
do whatever she likes.

You know what? I'm gonna choose
to believe you don't mean that.

I don't understand.
How did you leave it?

Oh, who knows? But apparently,

I'm at liberty to do whatever I want.

I mean, I still say you
should take him at his word.

He said you could do whatever you want,

so proceed.

Open lane.



- Whip it out.
- Oh, God,

please stop. It's a high
school basketball trip.

Nobody's whippin' anything out.

- Can you pop the trunk?
- All right.

I mean, it's not like you're
jumping into some wild orgy

in a weird apartment on 12th Avenue.

It's called "seeing other people."

Stop.

All right, I guess I'm just having
more fun with this than you are.

I guess you are.

Okay, and that, my friend,

is the trifle in question.

Twelve o'clock. Roman profile.

Tartan scarf.

- That's Jeremy?
- Mm-hmm.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Oh, I beg of you, please
fuck him for all of us.

Oh, God.

Goddammit. I can't find my phone.

Can you call it?

There's that little prick.

Officially losing my shit.

It was in the medicine cabinet.

Well, you have a lot on your mind.

A lot of distractions.

Well, it is a big weekend.

- You know, stressful.
- At least Frances will be there.

That's fun. A little bonus.

Like, I don't really care
one way or the other.

She's just a chaperone.

Well, hopefully you guys will
get to hang out a little bit.

Jackie.

You really gotta stop with this stuff.

Come on.

I don't have feelings like
that for her anymore, okay?

- Lila, over here!
- Hey, Lila.

Oh, oh. Hey, hey, hey. Hi.

I, um, got your Kind bars, saline spray.

Oh, and don't forget you've
gotta check in with me.

- Remember...
- Mom, shhh, you're embarrassing me.

Lila, it's a... it's a food hand-off.

It's not like I'm doing "the
robot" in the parking lot.

But I could.

- Mom?
- What?

I just wanna be with my
friends this weekend.

Don't feel bad,

just try not to talk to me,

joke around, or be anywhere near me.

The entire time?

Mom, yes, oh, my God!

All right.

You're so strict!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

My uncle's teaching me the banjo.

Oh, really?

My mom hates banjos.

She says, "What do you call

a hundred banjo players up
to their necks in water?"

I don't know, what?

"Not enough water."

Oh, yeah. Yep.

Well...

Different tastes.

_

He has...

I wanna say, like, 50
banjos in his collection.

One's from the 19th century,
and it's worth, like...

Seriously, the next time
you're in Rhode Island,

you should go to his banjo museum.

There's even a little room
where you can buy sandwiches.

I'm just...

so rarely up that way.

Okay, girls. Listen up, listen up.

This is an official school trip,

so school rules of conduct apply.

All right, what are those rules?

No drinking, no smoking, no wire fraud,

no malfeasance of any kind.

You break one of these rules,

you're gonna have to sit the game.

All right, now, that aside,

I just wanna say how
proud I am of this team.

You girls really
inspired me this season.

And I just hope that maybe

I've managed to inspire...

Oh, my God, it's Jason Campbell!

Oh, my God, you've got to see
this woman right behind us.

Don't stare, though.

Her tits sure didn't look
like that at her junior prom.

These virgin Bloody Marys taste like

somebody pissed into a can of V8.

I really enjoy your company, Diane.

Yes, I do have that effect on people.

And I've been told that I'm
a bit of a firecracker.

And, well, you... you...

you have...

you... you have sort of an
appealing zing about you.

What do you say we add a splash
of glue to this little accord?

I'm sorry, a splash of what
to this little what-what?

We both enjoy good food, conversation.

I love the theater, traveling.

I think we'd make a fun combo.

Well, fun is a big word.

I'd like to show you something.

So, I don't know.

I guess we're taking a little break.

I just have to accept it's, you know,

this is a mature relationship

and people have their
differences and not...

Whoa.

Cute couple.

Yeah.

Probably on their way to church.

Well... we could all
use a little church.

Hi there, checking in?

If it were only just me.

No, I've got an entire girls
basketball team in my bag.

Ha, ha.

Hey.

Jason Campbell.

Let's make this a one-off:
no bullshit this weekend.

Keep the noise down and
behave, you feel me?

Point taken, Coach.

Move it along.

I can smell your bong water.

I admit I'm far from perfect

and, you know, maybe I've been
a little less attentive lately

and, you know, maybe I
should have jumped in

when he talked about
drinking laundry detergent.

But now he's just completely
fabricating things.

They're all so self-absorbed.

I've gotta lawyer up now just
because a dozen patients

complained that I habitually
cancel appointments?

Sorry, I have a life.

All right, now, look at this.
This is another lie.

He claims that I have been
frequently and cruelly combative.

All right, one time.

One time, I politely asked him

to just collapse his drippy umbrella,

and he got hostile. And yeah,

you know, it got a little heated.

I have a large sign right
in the waiting room:

"Leave all drippy umbrellas
on the doormat."

For them, that becomes a test.

What a philistine this guy is,

stating that I had sex with his wife.

I merely guided them through
couples counseling.

And when that proved
futile, we made love.

She was my... sweet obsession.

Now, she won't even return my calls.

Well, I've had very much the...

Well, if not exactly the
same experience as him.

My son has completely
erased me from his life.

Same with my daughter.

I haven't heard from
Brian in ten months.

What do you got there, Cecily?

It sounds like bottles.

Ketchup.

There was a sale.

Let it slide, Robert.
She feels awful about it.

I feel awful about it, too,

but the rules are the rules, Jeremy.

She practically had an entire
liquor store in that bag.

I told you it wasn't mine.

Some kid gave it to me. I was
just holding it for her.

Oh, Cecily. Not to embarrass you,

but that old chestnut's from 1810.

Oh, well, that's not gonna help you.

If you bench her, we lose the game.

You're probably right.

She's your niece.

Maybe you should've been
keeping an eye on her.

Okay, you know what, you know what?

As one of the chaperones,

I'm gonna officially call it, okay?

She doesn't play. She's not playing.

It sucks, I know, but she messed up.

So, let the school deal
with it on Monday.

We have rules for a reason.

Cecily broke a rule.

So we have no choice,

but to bench her the entire game.

What? Wait, what?

Agnes Diffenbaugh will be subbing.

No way.

You're making the biggest
mistake of your life.

Thank you, Agnes.

- Wow.
- I bought it a long time ago.

I sometimes use it as a spare office

or a place for friends to
stay when they come to town.

I forgot what this city looks like.

If you want, if you like it,

it's yours, Diane.

You mean for free?

Well, yeah.

Are you sure?

Sure, why not? You do whatever you like.

Refurnish the entire place if you want.

Yeah, furniture is a little vomity.

Oh, wow.

Just to hash this out a tiny bit more.

Going to the theater, great.

Nice dinners, lovely.

A little travel, superbo.

But after we toss all
that in the Cuisinart,

does it mean... ?

Does it mean that... ?

You... ?

That you'd have to answer my
occasional knock on the door?

Yeah.

You're part of a team, Agnes.

Everyone's here to help each other.

I was never baptized.

My parents meant to,

but it fell through the cracks.

You're gonna do fine, I promise.

But I was never baptized.

Okay. Oh, Lordy.

Oh!

Just need that for a second.

I hereby baptize Agnes,

a Lady Raider in good standing,

sparkling conversationalist,

and lover of banjos.

Amen.

Okay, up, up, up.

Good girl.

Oh, Agnes!

Okay, you're, you're not
gonna love this, but...

Okay, okay, come on.
Let's shake this off.

Let's shake this off, Raiders.

Now, for me, personally,

uh, in times like these,
I find myself reminded

of the "Theme from Mahogany."

Really? Noth... no?

Wow, it's a classic.
Well, ask your parents.

The point is that your
dreams don't have to die,

as long as you remember
where you've been.

And where you're going.

♪ Do you know where you're going to? ♪

♪ Do you like the things
that life is showing you? ♪

♪ Where are you going to? ♪
♪ Do you know? ♪

♪ Do you get what you're
hoping for, Lila? ♪

♪ When you look behind you,
there's no open door ♪

♪ What are you hoping for? ♪

♪ Do you know? ♪

I'll break it down.

You played like a bunch of pussies.

Let's party, motherfuckers!

Let's blow this shit up!

Fair point. You know, there's that.

Hey, how'd it go?

- Ah, not so good.
- I'm sorry.

Do you wanna get a drink
and talk about it later?

I get off at 11.

That's very sweet, but no,
I... I'm pretty wrung out, so.

- And I'm married.
- Yeah, I saw the ring.

Makes me horny.

I don't know, some might
say you're wrestling

between savory and sweet.

Fair enough?

So, here's the bad news, church girl.

Although I find you mildly amusing,

there's just zero attraction.

Hmmm.

Well, I can also play
cards and dance a little.

Now you tell me.

Room 317, sister.

Girls!

This is done.

Take the cart back downstairs.

I want everybody in their
room in ten minutes.

Spread the word before I
go looking for people.

Quite frankly, I'm very disappointed.

Hello?

Okay, sorry. I know
Lila's dying right now,

but I got a job to do. All
right, one, two, three.

Apparently, everybody's breathing.

- Yes, I believe so.
- All right, then.

Check complete. Good.

None of you left the
room tonight, right?

No, we're avoiding the jackasses.

That's my girl.

Oh! Oh! Mom!

What was that Lifetime
movie we saw that one time

about the guy who makes a scarecrow

that looks like his dead
wife and then marries it?

Um, uh, "Straw for Scarlett."

- Yeah, "Straw for Scarlett"!
- Ah, that's creepy.

Classic.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hi.

How long you...

how long are you gonna
be sitting out here?

Probably until sun up.

As long as that termite Jason
Campbell is in house...

anything's possible.

Oh, God, Robert. I mean, you know,

it's been such a long day.

You know, maybe get some rest.

Get some nice... restorative REM sleep

where you're just out, you know?

You're just comatose.

Negative.

I'm here to hold the bridgehead.

All night.

Okay.

And I told them, I said,
"I need my weekends."

You know? I...

Fuck me.

The stamp collectors are here again.

Oh, my God, what is that sound?

Jason!

Step away from the girl.

Hey, Coach, I was just
about to help Cecily

with her robotics homework.

I want you to picture something, Jason.

The future. You, a holding cell,

with a couple of fellas

who just don't appreciate your
special brand of irreverence.

Now, I want you to disappear
and meditate on that.

Go on now.

Run away, little man.

You didn't see a guy out here

with a bag of ginger chicken, did you?

Nope.

Thirty minutes my ass.

Shit.

Shh.

Buddy boy,

I am going to take you
apart like a cheap watch.

Hey! I just bought that.

Bill me.

Drink. Fuck. Your room. Now.

Jesus, did you have a stroke?

What? No, wait, wait!

I'm sorry if I've misled you
in some way, desk clerk.

But I-I have to
reiterate, I have a wife.

So, you're...

you're saying no?

There's really no way?

There's no way.

You are on my list, kiddo,

and that ain't a good place to be.

Can we be friends?

Uh, bear in mind, I have your address.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I'm-I'm sorry, I can't.

- I can't. Oh, man.
- What's the matter?

You're joking, right?

I... it's...

I don't know what it is. I just...

I can't, I'm sorry.

Unbelievable.

I was gonna surprise you, too.

Aww, that is so sweet!

But don't waste it on me.

Save it for a girl who
really deserves it.

Shh! Keep your fucking mouth shut.

Well, well, well.

Jason Campbell.

You, my friend, do not understand

the concept of structure.

You're an anti-beaver.

And unlike good beavers,
you're a destroyer of dams.

Well, now little man,

justice has come to
your bend of the river.

That was a good game tonight, Coach.

- Oh.
- That's just great.

Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, shit.

Cecily, open this door

and get that weasely
son-of-a-bitch back up here!

What the hell's going on here?

Why don't you tell me what
the hell's going on here?

Hey, anybody up for, um, a complimentary

Green Mountain tea down
in the business center?

- Anyone?
- Uncle Jer!

He was cursing at me, and
he called Jason a weasel.

Well, no, come on, Cecily.

I... I was witness.

He cursed, not at you.

But I will concede he did
call Jason a weasel.

You called my niece a weasel?

She just explained it to you, jackass.

I called the weasely boyfriend a weasel.

Okay, you guys, come on,
just take a deep breath.

This is getting just weird.

Screw it, I'm over this shit.

All of it.

Let's go.

Really? That's where you wanna go?

Go anywhere you want, man.

You know, Jeremy, after
careful evaluation,

you're really an asshole.

And you're an idiot.

That game tonight is on you.

- That was on me?
- Yeah.

- It was on me, was it?
- Yeah!

- Shhh.
- Yeah.

Why don't you just walk away?

You walk the fuck away.

I'm tired of your bullshit
and your grand morality.

All right, both of you,
just stop it, all right.

Just stop, stop!

All right, guys, no.
Go back to your rooms.

Come on, Robert, do something.

Give me a reason.

You know...

as much as I'd really like to punch you

- in the fucking windpipe right now...
- Oh, my God.

... I'm not gonna do that
in front of these kids.

So back off.

Come on, guys, show's over.

Back to your rooms. Good night.

You're really lucky that
Lila slept through all this.

Unfortunately, tomorrow she's
gonna hear all about it.

You better hope that's
all she hears about.

Really, Robert?

Going out front for a Pall Mall.

Want one?

Sure.

There was also extensive
damage to the pool area,

the fitness center,

and a large spray-painted image

of someone who looks like you

with penis arms in Room 316.

And, uh, who was in 316?

A Mr. Jason Campbell.

So, all of this going on my credit card?

- That hardly seems fair.
- You're the head chaperone.

You're the responsible adult.
The rules are the rules.

One more thing.

Mr. Campbell was not in my party.

You'll have to bill him
for the penis arms.

Good day, ma'am.

Hey, did you have a good time?

We lost.

Did you fuck Frances at least?

Nope. Jeremy fucked Frances.

Nice game, Coach.

- Hey, welcome back!
- Hey.

- So they lost, huh?
- Yeah.

That sucks.

So... ?

Almost third base.

Ugh. Don't feel like talking about it.

What about here? Anything good happen?

Nah.

I might have to fuck an
old man for an apartment.

Yep. It was one of those weekends.

Yeah.

♪ Do you know where you're going to? ♪

♪ Do you like the things
that life is showing you? ♪

♪ Where are you going to? ♪

♪ Do you know? ♪

♪ Do you get what you're hoping for? ♪

♪ When you look behind you,
there's no open doors ♪

♪ What are you hoping for? ♪

♪ Do you know? ♪

♪ Once we were standing still in time ♪

♪ Chasing the fantasies
that filled our minds ♪

♪ And you knew how I loved
you, but my spirit was free ♪

♪ Laughing at the questions
that you once asked of me ♪

Okay.

♪ Do you know where you're going to? ♪

♪ Do you like the things
that life is showing you? ♪

♪ Where are you going to? ♪

♪ Do you know? ♪

Do you know?

Can I leave now?

Post-divorce life, no trip
to the candy factory.

Well... it's definitely not as fun

as they make it look in the brochure.

I think we should finally
separate our assets.

This is the house where
you nursed our children.

They were toddlers.

Lila was drinking out of a glass,

Tom was practically
rolling his own joints.

You, pretty mama, are healed.

I can go out? Anywhere?

I hate working, and with Gordon...

one-stop shopping. Does
that make me a whore?

Maybe you could rob a
bank and just, you know,

cut out the middleman?

This job is who I am. Don't
take that away from me.

We've been making each other
so happy, it's such a shame.

You've made it clear
where your loyalty is.

It's with her, not with me.

I guess I couldn't know
how hard it was gonna be.

Just knowing when it's worth it,

and when it's not.