Divorce (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Bad Manners - full transcript
A dinner party attended by Frances, Robert and their respective partners goes very wrong.
It's our job, as parents,
to kick the door down
and lob in tear gas.
- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.
High... Right here.
Why don't you wanna get married again?
Because I did it, it didn't work out,
so now we get to do
whatever the hell we want.
No more rules.
Sweetie, is this really necessary?
Who is this old man?
My grandfather.
This is a good girl here.
She needs guidance.
Tom, you have to go to college.
It's a rip-off. Even Jackie
says it's a waste of time.
You haven't earned those conversations,
and I need you to respect that.
I can't believe you didn't
have my back with Francis.
You're married to me now, remember?
All right, come on, Raiders!
Let's get this done!
Set up your D!
Watch for the drive!
Hey, man, uh...
Would it be weird if
I asked Frances out?
All right, come on, Raiders!
- What?
- Let's go!
- All right, Cecily.
- Come on, Cecily!
Set Stonehenge.
- Stonehenge!
- Lila, get your pick!
Right on, Lila! Set it up!
Oh, ouch!
Oh, Lila, you all right?
Okay, walk it off!
Keep your head in the game, Dufresne!
I know. Kinda weird, right?
But I never knew you two
when you were together.
I mean, as far as I'm concerned,
you were never married.
You know?
Hey. She's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart?
Let's go!
But only if it isn't weird.
Uh, yeah, have at it. Not weird at all.
Let's go, Raiders!
- Is she okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
Just a little bit of blood.
She said it looked cool on her jersey.
She's tough.
Yep.
So, how's the bird business?
Oh, it's good. It's...
I'm organizing. I have a...
I'm organizing a big
outing this weekend.
Yeah?
It's just a placeholder.
Um, so you know the
conversation with Jackie?
I feel... I feel bad about it.
I just... I came in, like,
you know, a little hot.
You definitely put her in her place,
which isn't hard
considering she's bed-ridden.
I get it.
Anyway, I was thinking I could
bring dinner over tomorrow night.
What?
Why the hell would you want to do that?
Just because I just...
I don't want there to
be tension, you know?
We're trying to be a family, and...
and I could bring Henry.
I would like you to meet Henry.
- Hey, Robert!
- Wow.
- Meet the new man.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah!
So you're officially off the market.
Not fielding any new offers.
Well, I mean... I guess not, no.
- Good.
- Hey!
Oh, hey. Hey, winner!
Off to regionals!
Lila is a force to be reckoned with!
Ah, she is!
Yeah, she gets it from the old man.
Maybe a little from the mom.
So. I... okay.
- This is great.
- Yep.
This is, uh... Yeah, have fun.
With...
things, and, uh...
Tom. In college. Discuss.
- Yep. Yep.
- And, uh, dinner.
Mm-hmm. Yep. Tomorrow.
Assorted people.
- Good game.
- Good, good game.
- Good.
- See ya.
Good luck, dickface.
- They're coming? Locker room?
- Yeah, yeah.
Um, so, you ready for
something kind of awkward?
Oh, shoot!
Right! The new uniforms.
I had the check yesterday, and I just...
No, no, no. It's not that.
I wrote you off as a
deadbeat a long time ago.
I was, uh... I was about to ask you out.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, I ran it by Robert,
you know, and he's totally cool with it.
Oh, did he sign the permission slip?
No, it's not like that.
It's just, you know,
we're, um, you know, pals.
I didn't wanna step over a
line or do anything too weird.
Uh, so what do you say?
You wanna hit Friendly's
and grab a Fribble sometime?
Thank you. That's-that's very friendly.
Um... But, um...
I'm... I'm seeing someone.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I mean, Robert didn't mention that.
Yeah, no, well, I just debriefed him.
Got it. Well, serves me right,
asking someone out in person.
Online they can't see you cry.
Oh, no, don't say that.
Okay then, so, uh... Just remember...
A platonic Fribble,
only a phone call away.
All right, will do, will do.
Beast! Yes!
Head back, hydrate. You got this.
Great job. See you Monday.
Beast!
Forever known now as "Beast."
I'm baaaack!
- Did you miss me?
- Mmmmm.
Hmmm.
Fuck.
Chip and Joanna can suck my dick!
What are you doing?
The Bishop's Fold.
It's Henry and Frances.
I've seen her lick the yellow
powder off of a Cheeto.
No need to Bishop Fold.
I know, I'm just...
I really want tonight to go well,
so I'm focusing on the
one thing I can control.
Goddammit!
Hmmm.
What? Just your basic
jacket and tie presentation.
Exactly who are you trying
to impress tonight?
Oh, hey, I, uh...
I may have found a buyer for your house.
My house?
My and Frances' old house?
- Yes.
- But it's not for sale.
I casually mentioned
it to a friend of mine
who has some clients who are
looking for a place over there.
Do you know Brenda Sykes?
Ugh.
Just the thought of that big,
screeching mouth yammering
and spitting where my
children were raised.
I'm sorry. I know your
renters are leaving,
so I figured you'd be ready to sell.
- We might be...
- Hmm.
... but this is something I have
to discuss with Frances first.
Okay?
Okay.
Well, this is bullshit.
Okay.
You ready? Oh.
Good.
Are you?
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I
predict a lovely evening
filled with banter and bonding.
Okay.
But if I start talking
about my cat, Peanut...
You don't have a cat, Peanut.
That's right.
Because that will be code for
let's get the fuck outta here.
Oh, yeah. Gotcha, gotcha.
Okay.
Welcome! Come on in, strangers.
- There she is. Hi.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Thank you for coming.
Oh, that's... thank you.
- Robert and Jackie, this is Henry.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hello.
- Henry.
Robert.
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh.
You look fantastic. Better every day.
Thank you. Now I know how chickens feel.
I am over-fed, stuck in a cage,
and my breasts are grotesquely large.
- Oh! Pastelitos?
- Thank you!
Okay, come on in, city slickers.
Ready for some more
of Oklahoma's finest?
Bring it. Thank you, sir.
Frances says you have
your own moving company.
I do, uh... I'm up to
my ass in bubble wrap.
Well, we're in complementary
lines of work.
We flip houses, and you fill 'em.
Frances, I am so glad we did this.
- This was such a good idea.
- Yeah, me too.
We were really looking forward to it.
I mean, I was so excited I
couldn't sleep all night.
Yeah, I wrote about it in my diary.
I mean, who doesn't wanna
go to a dinner party
where everybody at the table
is sleeping with someone
who used to also be sleeping with
somebody else at that table?
That's it. Right there.
He's not wrong at all.
You see, this is why I
wanted you to meet him.
Isn't he a gem?
Yeah. Look at the time.
- Move on in there.
- Okie-dokie.
Excuse me, is there a
restroom on this floor?
Nope.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
The brown flip-flops are on six.
For white crew socks, I
would check out Kohl's.
I'm Taylor's grandfather.
- The shoplifter.
- Oh, right!
- We met last week.
- Hostile grandpa.
Gordon is fine.
I just... I wanted to thank you.
I feel like, uh...
like Taylor and I are
communicating a lot better.
That's good. She's a good kid.
How is she doing?
Well, actually.
Talking about going back to school.
Aww.
Even cracks the window now
when she's smoking pot.
See? And you were ready
to go ship her off to juvie.
Well, you straightened me out.
I feel like I owe you a dinner.
You mean like...
a dinner-dinner?
Or a lunch-lunch?
And then you come upon
this thing, right? "Spark bird."
- A "spark bird"?
- Yeah! Yeah, yes.
Wait, I haven't heard about this.
Yeah, no, it's the first bird you see
that changes you somehow, you know?
It makes you... it makes you become
a bird-watcher, yeah.
I was thinking mine might be a Warbler.
So, um, do you have a lot of,
um, like, arranging to do for...
you know, to make a baby room?
Luckily, we don't have to
worry about it for a bit.
The baby will be sleeping
with us for a while.
- What?
- Yeah, there's this little thing
that you just attach to
the side of the bed.
So you just roll over
and whip out the boob.
Look at that.
Wait, how long does that go on for?
- Oh, with Ella it evolved.
- Evolved?
Mm-hmm. Till she was 11.
Then she asked for her own space.
You know, they do mature.
But it was different then,
because it was just the two of us.
You know, still, there's
something really sweet
about sharing a family bed.
It makes you all feel really close.
Mm-hmm.
So, Henry, do you have kids?
Uh, step-kids. When Ursula and I met,
they were 8 and 10, so that was enough.
- So, Ursula was your ex?
- Yep.
- Is she white, too?
- Robby!
- Oh, my God!
- What is wrong with you?
- Jesus Christ!
- Ah, fuck, did I just micro-aggress you, man?
- You think?
- So sorry, the fuck did I just do?
I didn't even know what
that meant until just now.
Stop talking right now.
- Henry, do not kill him.
- It's-it's... It's fine.
No worries. Seriously, uh...
It's a little fucked up,
- but we're cool, we're cool.
- Oh, my God.
You're a very forgiving man.
Thank you, Henry.
This guy.
This guy's head and
shoulders above Jeremy.
Yeah.
- What about Jeremy?
- Oh.
God, Henry.
This guy, Jeremy, is my assistant coach.
He asks my permission
to ask Frances out on a date.
- Is that a dick move?
- He did?
Yeah, he dry-gulched me at the game.
Yeah, I mean, he completely
crossed the bro line.
He asked you out, right?
Um...
I mean... sort of, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I didn't... I
didn't say anything
because it just, you know, I said no.
So that was that, it didn't...
Yeah, yeah. And that makes sense.
Like, why would you say anything?
Why would you make anyone feel bad?
I'm sure that's why
Robert didn't tell me.
Heh. Oh.
Of course, why would anyone ask me out?
My ass is currently the
size of a Volkswagen,
and I'm under house arrest.
I need to keep my fucking mouth shut.
Uh, Henry, is it time, like, is it
nearing time for us to check
on your cat, Peepers.
Peanuts! Peanuts!
No, you're free to do whatever you want.
- What?
- You're a grown woman.
No, he doesn't mean that.
You don't actually want
Frances to go on a date.
No, I want Frances to
do whatever she likes.
I hate the idea of Frances
going on a date with Jeremy,
and I'm not even married to her anymore.
Frances, I may have found a
buyer for your Hastings home.
You put the house on the
market without telling me?
No. I didn't put the
house on the market.
Jackie showed it to this screeching cow
named Brenda Sykes,
and she just ran with it.
Well, I don't know if I
want to sell the house.
I mean, is this something
that we have to talk
about like right now?
No.
Is everything... are you okay?
Uh, yeah, I think it's just,
just like a little twinge.
- Maybe we should...
- Yeah, no, definitely.
We'll get out of your hair.
You should probably be...
have your feet up, and...
Well, that was mean.
- And embarrassing.
- I don't like being blindsided.
Blindsided?
Yeah, interesting how
you failed to mention it.
You really wanted me to tell you
that a man I barely know,
for whom I have zero romantic interest,
sort of fumbled asking
me out, and I said no?
Better that way than your
ex telling me at dinner.
Well, that... that's just bad manners.
And I don't know why you
felt you had to tell them
that, you know, I can
do whatever I want.
Why did you have to say
that in front of them?
You could've... you could've...
You could've waited
till we got to the car.
You could've said nothing.
- It was just hurtful.
- Because that's what I meant.
You know what? I'm gonna
choose to believe
- that you don't mean that.
- Frances, like I said,
you can do what you want.
I will not stop you. As a rule.
Wow.
You really know how to
make a lady feel wanted.
So, are there any other rules
that I should know about?
Actually, it's the opposite of rules.
Well, you know what? You can
call it whatever you want.
Whatever word you choose,
you are defining our relationship.
You won't get divorced.
I explained that. That's
just for business.
Well...
Let's just go back to the city.
You know, of all the horrible
things that were said tonight,
my racist remark didn't
even make the top three.
Why would you bring up the house?
I don't know. It was shitty, okay?
Robert, I don't know what is happening.
It just... it fell out of my mouth.
I was jealous that you cared
that Frances was asked out, so...
I was a bitch. But I'm not a bitch!
But you're the one that wanted
this evening to go oh-so-well,
and then you bring up the house.
- What the fuck, Jackie?
- I have never had a husband
with an ex before.
I've never even had a husband before.
So, this is all some crazy
Martian shit to me.
Was there even a twinge?
I think we all know what
that twinge was about.
Wait, so I don't understand.
How did you leave it?
Oh, who knows?
But, apparently, I'm at liberty
to do whatever I want.
Hmmm, interesting.
Well, I have to tell you two ladies
that an 80-year-old man
asked me out last night.
Oh, really? Well, he's a cocky asshole.
I said yes.
Well, you know, who doesn't...
who doesn't love a free meal?
Frances, what's this again?
Uh, cassava.
Well, I think that you and
Henry are perfect together.
I don't think "perfect."
Well, close enough.
All right, girls, I'm gonna
go look for some yams.
Okay.
Many varieties.
Many varieties over yonder.
Um, by the way, have you
noticed in her makeup bag?
What?
- The box?
- Oh!
- Tampons?
- Yeah! I know!
It's never been opened.
What, is it, what, is it just for show?
I have no fucking clue.
And on News 4
they said that right before he jumped,
he called out his dog's name.
His childhood dog.
Why does a healthy 73-year-old man
walk along an overpass and just...
I just can't shake it.
It's tragic. Very, very sad.
I mean, how do we move on with our lives
when these horrible things
are happening all around us?
What right do we have to
wake up and be happy?
Go out shopping or to restaurants
our friends when people...
Michelle.
- I'm sorry.
- I know, it's horrible, right?
No, I'm sorry...
because I think that I have reached
some saturation point here.
It's like I, uh... It's like...
part of me feels for you,
and then the other part is like,
"Oh, no! Some old fart
jumped off a bridge!
How will I ever go to
Cafe Luxembourg again?"
It is just your empathy runneth over,
and it is very shrill.
Dallas, that is not fair.
I agree with you! It's not fair!
It's wrong, it's-it's unprofessional,
and I am sorry. But I just...
I think that you need
to see someone else.
- What?
- I think that you need to see
someone else who has
more patience for...
redundant bullshit.
Anyway, huh...
I think I need to, uh...
close my eyes for a bit.
It's just...
Sleepy.
Yeah, just your name
and a contact you feel
comfortable sharing with us.
We'll keep you abreast.
Bird breast.
_
Okay, so what now, Leo?
Go show 'em some birds.
Well...
Aren't you gonna come with me?
I've never done this before.
I have absolutely no idea...
You can handle it.
I just started the
Connie Stevens chapter.
I don't have time for this bullshit.
Crystella.
I thought you moved on
to the Brooklyn Birders.
I've been thinking about us.
Smart girl.
Well, hello, good afternoon!
Welcome! Welcome to my
fellow bird enthusiasts.
Thank you all for coming out
on this unseasonably cold day.
I, for one,
plan to look for the Swinson Warbler.
It's a long shot I
know, but I am nothing
if not an eternal optimist.
So, uh, let's get this
baby off the blocks!
And, uh, lastly...
Does anyone have an
extra pair of tights?
Is it me, or is there not one
fucking bird in this park today?
Oh!
Goodness, I mean...
Sorry...
I mean...
I mean, I'm just...
I'm just so bummed, you know?
Because I was really
hoping to see the Swinson.
Swainson, not Swinson.
Yeah, you've been saying
Swinson all afternoon,
and it literally makes me nauseous.
Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Swainson. Swainson.
You do like birds, don't you?
Yeah, sure!
Sure, I mean, you know,
as much as the next guy.
What's not to like? It's...
Why would you take a
job at a bird society
if you don't care deeply about birds?
Full disclosure?
'Cause I got bills to pay
like the next guy, you know?
What, you think I took this gig
to hang out with you people?
- Oh!
- I mean, I just...
I'm just trying to
make ends meet, buddy.
Unbelievable.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God!
Are you all right, hon?
Honestly, Bev?
Things just aren't taking
off for me in birdland.
Oh, I think you're doing just fine!
Especially how you handled
those animals back there.
A Warbler!
What are the chances?
Well, actually, it's a Wood Thrush,
but you're getting there.
Here we are, fresh and folded.
Oh, thank you.
Diane?
I have to ask.
What's that?
Oh, Jesus.
I would've thought your
mommy had this conversation
with you a long time ago.
Well, I don't mean to be nosy, but...
that hasn't been opened for six months.
So?
I'm still a menstruating woman.
Okay.
Besides, menopause isn't official
until you've gone a
year without a period.
Okay, so...
how long has it been?
Eleven months.
And change.
It just came so much
sooner than I thought.
It all comes so much
sooner than we thought.
Okay.
I'll hold your hand.
Good-bye, old pal.
_
Cute couple.
Yeah. Probably on their way to church.
We could all use a little church.
That's Jeremy?
Henry said you could
do whatever you want.
So proceed. Open lane.
Whip it out.
It's a high school basketball trip;
nobody's whipping anything out.
It is a big weekend.
At least Frances'll be there.
I don't have feelings for her.
Your dreams don't have to die,
as long as you remember
where you've been,
and where you're going.
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
It's not like I'm doing the
robot in the parking lot.
to kick the door down
and lob in tear gas.
- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.
High... Right here.
Why don't you wanna get married again?
Because I did it, it didn't work out,
so now we get to do
whatever the hell we want.
No more rules.
Sweetie, is this really necessary?
Who is this old man?
My grandfather.
This is a good girl here.
She needs guidance.
Tom, you have to go to college.
It's a rip-off. Even Jackie
says it's a waste of time.
You haven't earned those conversations,
and I need you to respect that.
I can't believe you didn't
have my back with Francis.
You're married to me now, remember?
All right, come on, Raiders!
Let's get this done!
Set up your D!
Watch for the drive!
Hey, man, uh...
Would it be weird if
I asked Frances out?
All right, come on, Raiders!
- What?
- Let's go!
- All right, Cecily.
- Come on, Cecily!
Set Stonehenge.
- Stonehenge!
- Lila, get your pick!
Right on, Lila! Set it up!
Oh, ouch!
Oh, Lila, you all right?
Okay, walk it off!
Keep your head in the game, Dufresne!
I know. Kinda weird, right?
But I never knew you two
when you were together.
I mean, as far as I'm concerned,
you were never married.
You know?
Hey. She's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart?
Let's go!
But only if it isn't weird.
Uh, yeah, have at it. Not weird at all.
Let's go, Raiders!
- Is she okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
Just a little bit of blood.
She said it looked cool on her jersey.
She's tough.
Yep.
So, how's the bird business?
Oh, it's good. It's...
I'm organizing. I have a...
I'm organizing a big
outing this weekend.
Yeah?
It's just a placeholder.
Um, so you know the
conversation with Jackie?
I feel... I feel bad about it.
I just... I came in, like,
you know, a little hot.
You definitely put her in her place,
which isn't hard
considering she's bed-ridden.
I get it.
Anyway, I was thinking I could
bring dinner over tomorrow night.
What?
Why the hell would you want to do that?
Just because I just...
I don't want there to
be tension, you know?
We're trying to be a family, and...
and I could bring Henry.
I would like you to meet Henry.
- Hey, Robert!
- Wow.
- Meet the new man.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah!
So you're officially off the market.
Not fielding any new offers.
Well, I mean... I guess not, no.
- Good.
- Hey!
Oh, hey. Hey, winner!
Off to regionals!
Lila is a force to be reckoned with!
Ah, she is!
Yeah, she gets it from the old man.
Maybe a little from the mom.
So. I... okay.
- This is great.
- Yep.
This is, uh... Yeah, have fun.
With...
things, and, uh...
Tom. In college. Discuss.
- Yep. Yep.
- And, uh, dinner.
Mm-hmm. Yep. Tomorrow.
Assorted people.
- Good game.
- Good, good game.
- Good.
- See ya.
Good luck, dickface.
- They're coming? Locker room?
- Yeah, yeah.
Um, so, you ready for
something kind of awkward?
Oh, shoot!
Right! The new uniforms.
I had the check yesterday, and I just...
No, no, no. It's not that.
I wrote you off as a
deadbeat a long time ago.
I was, uh... I was about to ask you out.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, I ran it by Robert,
you know, and he's totally cool with it.
Oh, did he sign the permission slip?
No, it's not like that.
It's just, you know,
we're, um, you know, pals.
I didn't wanna step over a
line or do anything too weird.
Uh, so what do you say?
You wanna hit Friendly's
and grab a Fribble sometime?
Thank you. That's-that's very friendly.
Um... But, um...
I'm... I'm seeing someone.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I mean, Robert didn't mention that.
Yeah, no, well, I just debriefed him.
Got it. Well, serves me right,
asking someone out in person.
Online they can't see you cry.
Oh, no, don't say that.
Okay then, so, uh... Just remember...
A platonic Fribble,
only a phone call away.
All right, will do, will do.
Beast! Yes!
Head back, hydrate. You got this.
Great job. See you Monday.
Beast!
Forever known now as "Beast."
I'm baaaack!
- Did you miss me?
- Mmmmm.
Hmmm.
Fuck.
Chip and Joanna can suck my dick!
What are you doing?
The Bishop's Fold.
It's Henry and Frances.
I've seen her lick the yellow
powder off of a Cheeto.
No need to Bishop Fold.
I know, I'm just...
I really want tonight to go well,
so I'm focusing on the
one thing I can control.
Goddammit!
Hmmm.
What? Just your basic
jacket and tie presentation.
Exactly who are you trying
to impress tonight?
Oh, hey, I, uh...
I may have found a buyer for your house.
My house?
My and Frances' old house?
- Yes.
- But it's not for sale.
I casually mentioned
it to a friend of mine
who has some clients who are
looking for a place over there.
Do you know Brenda Sykes?
Ugh.
Just the thought of that big,
screeching mouth yammering
and spitting where my
children were raised.
I'm sorry. I know your
renters are leaving,
so I figured you'd be ready to sell.
- We might be...
- Hmm.
... but this is something I have
to discuss with Frances first.
Okay?
Okay.
Well, this is bullshit.
Okay.
You ready? Oh.
Good.
Are you?
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I
predict a lovely evening
filled with banter and bonding.
Okay.
But if I start talking
about my cat, Peanut...
You don't have a cat, Peanut.
That's right.
Because that will be code for
let's get the fuck outta here.
Oh, yeah. Gotcha, gotcha.
Okay.
Welcome! Come on in, strangers.
- There she is. Hi.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Thank you for coming.
Oh, that's... thank you.
- Robert and Jackie, this is Henry.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hello.
- Henry.
Robert.
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh.
You look fantastic. Better every day.
Thank you. Now I know how chickens feel.
I am over-fed, stuck in a cage,
and my breasts are grotesquely large.
- Oh! Pastelitos?
- Thank you!
Okay, come on in, city slickers.
Ready for some more
of Oklahoma's finest?
Bring it. Thank you, sir.
Frances says you have
your own moving company.
I do, uh... I'm up to
my ass in bubble wrap.
Well, we're in complementary
lines of work.
We flip houses, and you fill 'em.
Frances, I am so glad we did this.
- This was such a good idea.
- Yeah, me too.
We were really looking forward to it.
I mean, I was so excited I
couldn't sleep all night.
Yeah, I wrote about it in my diary.
I mean, who doesn't wanna
go to a dinner party
where everybody at the table
is sleeping with someone
who used to also be sleeping with
somebody else at that table?
That's it. Right there.
He's not wrong at all.
You see, this is why I
wanted you to meet him.
Isn't he a gem?
Yeah. Look at the time.
- Move on in there.
- Okie-dokie.
Excuse me, is there a
restroom on this floor?
Nope.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
The brown flip-flops are on six.
For white crew socks, I
would check out Kohl's.
I'm Taylor's grandfather.
- The shoplifter.
- Oh, right!
- We met last week.
- Hostile grandpa.
Gordon is fine.
I just... I wanted to thank you.
I feel like, uh...
like Taylor and I are
communicating a lot better.
That's good. She's a good kid.
How is she doing?
Well, actually.
Talking about going back to school.
Aww.
Even cracks the window now
when she's smoking pot.
See? And you were ready
to go ship her off to juvie.
Well, you straightened me out.
I feel like I owe you a dinner.
You mean like...
a dinner-dinner?
Or a lunch-lunch?
And then you come upon
this thing, right? "Spark bird."
- A "spark bird"?
- Yeah! Yeah, yes.
Wait, I haven't heard about this.
Yeah, no, it's the first bird you see
that changes you somehow, you know?
It makes you... it makes you become
a bird-watcher, yeah.
I was thinking mine might be a Warbler.
So, um, do you have a lot of,
um, like, arranging to do for...
you know, to make a baby room?
Luckily, we don't have to
worry about it for a bit.
The baby will be sleeping
with us for a while.
- What?
- Yeah, there's this little thing
that you just attach to
the side of the bed.
So you just roll over
and whip out the boob.
Look at that.
Wait, how long does that go on for?
- Oh, with Ella it evolved.
- Evolved?
Mm-hmm. Till she was 11.
Then she asked for her own space.
You know, they do mature.
But it was different then,
because it was just the two of us.
You know, still, there's
something really sweet
about sharing a family bed.
It makes you all feel really close.
Mm-hmm.
So, Henry, do you have kids?
Uh, step-kids. When Ursula and I met,
they were 8 and 10, so that was enough.
- So, Ursula was your ex?
- Yep.
- Is she white, too?
- Robby!
- Oh, my God!
- What is wrong with you?
- Jesus Christ!
- Ah, fuck, did I just micro-aggress you, man?
- You think?
- So sorry, the fuck did I just do?
I didn't even know what
that meant until just now.
Stop talking right now.
- Henry, do not kill him.
- It's-it's... It's fine.
No worries. Seriously, uh...
It's a little fucked up,
- but we're cool, we're cool.
- Oh, my God.
You're a very forgiving man.
Thank you, Henry.
This guy.
This guy's head and
shoulders above Jeremy.
Yeah.
- What about Jeremy?
- Oh.
God, Henry.
This guy, Jeremy, is my assistant coach.
He asks my permission
to ask Frances out on a date.
- Is that a dick move?
- He did?
Yeah, he dry-gulched me at the game.
Yeah, I mean, he completely
crossed the bro line.
He asked you out, right?
Um...
I mean... sort of, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I didn't... I
didn't say anything
because it just, you know, I said no.
So that was that, it didn't...
Yeah, yeah. And that makes sense.
Like, why would you say anything?
Why would you make anyone feel bad?
I'm sure that's why
Robert didn't tell me.
Heh. Oh.
Of course, why would anyone ask me out?
My ass is currently the
size of a Volkswagen,
and I'm under house arrest.
I need to keep my fucking mouth shut.
Uh, Henry, is it time, like, is it
nearing time for us to check
on your cat, Peepers.
Peanuts! Peanuts!
No, you're free to do whatever you want.
- What?
- You're a grown woman.
No, he doesn't mean that.
You don't actually want
Frances to go on a date.
No, I want Frances to
do whatever she likes.
I hate the idea of Frances
going on a date with Jeremy,
and I'm not even married to her anymore.
Frances, I may have found a
buyer for your Hastings home.
You put the house on the
market without telling me?
No. I didn't put the
house on the market.
Jackie showed it to this screeching cow
named Brenda Sykes,
and she just ran with it.
Well, I don't know if I
want to sell the house.
I mean, is this something
that we have to talk
about like right now?
No.
Is everything... are you okay?
Uh, yeah, I think it's just,
just like a little twinge.
- Maybe we should...
- Yeah, no, definitely.
We'll get out of your hair.
You should probably be...
have your feet up, and...
Well, that was mean.
- And embarrassing.
- I don't like being blindsided.
Blindsided?
Yeah, interesting how
you failed to mention it.
You really wanted me to tell you
that a man I barely know,
for whom I have zero romantic interest,
sort of fumbled asking
me out, and I said no?
Better that way than your
ex telling me at dinner.
Well, that... that's just bad manners.
And I don't know why you
felt you had to tell them
that, you know, I can
do whatever I want.
Why did you have to say
that in front of them?
You could've... you could've...
You could've waited
till we got to the car.
You could've said nothing.
- It was just hurtful.
- Because that's what I meant.
You know what? I'm gonna
choose to believe
- that you don't mean that.
- Frances, like I said,
you can do what you want.
I will not stop you. As a rule.
Wow.
You really know how to
make a lady feel wanted.
So, are there any other rules
that I should know about?
Actually, it's the opposite of rules.
Well, you know what? You can
call it whatever you want.
Whatever word you choose,
you are defining our relationship.
You won't get divorced.
I explained that. That's
just for business.
Well...
Let's just go back to the city.
You know, of all the horrible
things that were said tonight,
my racist remark didn't
even make the top three.
Why would you bring up the house?
I don't know. It was shitty, okay?
Robert, I don't know what is happening.
It just... it fell out of my mouth.
I was jealous that you cared
that Frances was asked out, so...
I was a bitch. But I'm not a bitch!
But you're the one that wanted
this evening to go oh-so-well,
and then you bring up the house.
- What the fuck, Jackie?
- I have never had a husband
with an ex before.
I've never even had a husband before.
So, this is all some crazy
Martian shit to me.
Was there even a twinge?
I think we all know what
that twinge was about.
Wait, so I don't understand.
How did you leave it?
Oh, who knows?
But, apparently, I'm at liberty
to do whatever I want.
Hmmm, interesting.
Well, I have to tell you two ladies
that an 80-year-old man
asked me out last night.
Oh, really? Well, he's a cocky asshole.
I said yes.
Well, you know, who doesn't...
who doesn't love a free meal?
Frances, what's this again?
Uh, cassava.
Well, I think that you and
Henry are perfect together.
I don't think "perfect."
Well, close enough.
All right, girls, I'm gonna
go look for some yams.
Okay.
Many varieties.
Many varieties over yonder.
Um, by the way, have you
noticed in her makeup bag?
What?
- The box?
- Oh!
- Tampons?
- Yeah! I know!
It's never been opened.
What, is it, what, is it just for show?
I have no fucking clue.
And on News 4
they said that right before he jumped,
he called out his dog's name.
His childhood dog.
Why does a healthy 73-year-old man
walk along an overpass and just...
I just can't shake it.
It's tragic. Very, very sad.
I mean, how do we move on with our lives
when these horrible things
are happening all around us?
What right do we have to
wake up and be happy?
Go out shopping or to restaurants
our friends when people...
Michelle.
- I'm sorry.
- I know, it's horrible, right?
No, I'm sorry...
because I think that I have reached
some saturation point here.
It's like I, uh... It's like...
part of me feels for you,
and then the other part is like,
"Oh, no! Some old fart
jumped off a bridge!
How will I ever go to
Cafe Luxembourg again?"
It is just your empathy runneth over,
and it is very shrill.
Dallas, that is not fair.
I agree with you! It's not fair!
It's wrong, it's-it's unprofessional,
and I am sorry. But I just...
I think that you need
to see someone else.
- What?
- I think that you need to see
someone else who has
more patience for...
redundant bullshit.
Anyway, huh...
I think I need to, uh...
close my eyes for a bit.
It's just...
Sleepy.
Yeah, just your name
and a contact you feel
comfortable sharing with us.
We'll keep you abreast.
Bird breast.
_
Okay, so what now, Leo?
Go show 'em some birds.
Well...
Aren't you gonna come with me?
I've never done this before.
I have absolutely no idea...
You can handle it.
I just started the
Connie Stevens chapter.
I don't have time for this bullshit.
Crystella.
I thought you moved on
to the Brooklyn Birders.
I've been thinking about us.
Smart girl.
Well, hello, good afternoon!
Welcome! Welcome to my
fellow bird enthusiasts.
Thank you all for coming out
on this unseasonably cold day.
I, for one,
plan to look for the Swinson Warbler.
It's a long shot I
know, but I am nothing
if not an eternal optimist.
So, uh, let's get this
baby off the blocks!
And, uh, lastly...
Does anyone have an
extra pair of tights?
Is it me, or is there not one
fucking bird in this park today?
Oh!
Goodness, I mean...
Sorry...
I mean...
I mean, I'm just...
I'm just so bummed, you know?
Because I was really
hoping to see the Swinson.
Swainson, not Swinson.
Yeah, you've been saying
Swinson all afternoon,
and it literally makes me nauseous.
Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Swainson. Swainson.
You do like birds, don't you?
Yeah, sure!
Sure, I mean, you know,
as much as the next guy.
What's not to like? It's...
Why would you take a
job at a bird society
if you don't care deeply about birds?
Full disclosure?
'Cause I got bills to pay
like the next guy, you know?
What, you think I took this gig
to hang out with you people?
- Oh!
- I mean, I just...
I'm just trying to
make ends meet, buddy.
Unbelievable.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God!
Are you all right, hon?
Honestly, Bev?
Things just aren't taking
off for me in birdland.
Oh, I think you're doing just fine!
Especially how you handled
those animals back there.
A Warbler!
What are the chances?
Well, actually, it's a Wood Thrush,
but you're getting there.
Here we are, fresh and folded.
Oh, thank you.
Diane?
I have to ask.
What's that?
Oh, Jesus.
I would've thought your
mommy had this conversation
with you a long time ago.
Well, I don't mean to be nosy, but...
that hasn't been opened for six months.
So?
I'm still a menstruating woman.
Okay.
Besides, menopause isn't official
until you've gone a
year without a period.
Okay, so...
how long has it been?
Eleven months.
And change.
It just came so much
sooner than I thought.
It all comes so much
sooner than we thought.
Okay.
I'll hold your hand.
Good-bye, old pal.
_
Cute couple.
Yeah. Probably on their way to church.
We could all use a little church.
That's Jeremy?
Henry said you could
do whatever you want.
So proceed. Open lane.
Whip it out.
It's a high school basketball trip;
nobody's whipping anything out.
It is a big weekend.
At least Frances'll be there.
I don't have feelings for her.
Your dreams don't have to die,
as long as you remember
where you've been,
and where you're going.
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
It's not like I'm doing the
robot in the parking lot.