Divorce (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Miami - full transcript

I'm looking for a job.

Right off the street?

Yep. Right off the street.

You have placenta previa.
The baby will be fine,

but you're gonna have to be on bed rest.

- Jackie's pregnant?
- Yeah.

Oh, God. I'm fine, I'm fine.

You're getting a new roommate!

- What?
- You wanna live with me

on the nights that I have the
whole apartment to myself?

She crushes up vitamins and puts
them in my cereal, Frances!



I'm going to crush it on bed rest.

I'm gonna run some errands,

and I'm gonna kick this
to-do list in the dick.

- I got a job.
- Doin' what?

Helping birds.

That's good! Right?

So, should...

Are you gonna start
or, or shall I start?

No. Be my guest.

Okay.

Well, kids...

Here we are again, the
proverbial family meeting.

Um, this one is, uh...

This one is interesting tonight.



Uh, it's something that...

I don't think...

either of us expected
that we would be...

- You know, I'll take it from here.
- ... having to... okay.

Thank you. I just needed a
nudge in the right direction.

Jackie and I are having a baby.

Now, I...

I know we're in uncharted waters here,

so I feel like we should
just dive in, you know?

Uh, was it on purpose?

Take it away, Robert.

Okay, so...

If you're asking does
God have a purpose...

I wasn't asking that.

- No, she wasn't asking that.
- Wait, hold on. So you...

No, no, no, no, no.
Go for it. Go for it, Tom.

So it was an accident?

Um, I would say it was
more along the lines

of a blessed surprise.

- Wow.
- Fascinating, 'cause...

I remember you talking to
me over and over and over

about making sure to always use...

Oh, God, do we have to
talk about this? It's gross!

Jackie and I are adults,

and certain choices were made...

But you said it was a surprise.

- Blessed surprise.
- You gotta drop that, really.

And, Mom, you're okay with it?

Me? Oh, God, yeah. No,
of course I'm okay.

Of course. Yeah, yeah.

It's a... it's a blessed surprise.

Hey, Lila, honey.

- Yeah?
- Do you wanna go over there?

You wanna try that other one again?

You know, the one with the...
doesn't have any straps?

No. No, you can just pick something out.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Come here.

Oh, my God. This whole
thing's a nightmare!

The wedding, the baby.

I mean, don't you just wanna punch
your fist through some dry wall?

Yes. No.

I don't know, it's
confusing. It's, uh...

This Saturday, Robert is
marrying someone else.

Shouldn't bother me, but...

Anyway, the kids seem like
they're gonna be okay.

And then, you know, if that's...

So, done. Done. End of story.

Well, thank God that they've
scaled down on the ceremony.

Now you don't have to go and pretend,

"Oh, I'm so cool with everything.

This fucking freak show."

It's not a freak show,
but I am relieved.

They get married, I get to sit at home

on my couch with the Times,

surrounded by pistachio shells.

- It's perfect.
- You poor, sweet little bullshitter.

Hey, you know what I'm gonna
do for you this weekend?

- What?
- I am gonna take you to the zoo.

- No.
- Come on!

No. Go to the zoo?

Span-o-ko-pita. Moo-sa-ka.

Yeah, yeah. We just... we just
have too much extra food.

Aunt Helen, we didn't cut
you off the guest list.

We cut everyone off the guest list.

What do you mean nobody will eat it?

You're a homeless shelter, bruh.

- Bobby!
- Sorry.

I will reimburse you for the train.

- Okay. Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.

- I love you. Bye.
- Okay. Yep, yep. Okay, bye.

Hey, um, will you take my
dress to the cleaners?

- Roger that.
- And, um, you will pick Ella

up at the airport and
bring her to the salon,

and Lila will meet her there.

Airport. Salon. Lila.

And don't forget to tell the cleaner
about the stain on the boob.

Standing instructions for the cleaners:

no starch in bow, no stain on boob.

Hey.

Hey.

Got you a present.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

Is it a real one or a ha-ha one?

Okay, ha-ha. Very funny.

I want you to be prepared for tomorrow,

so it's not hawk-ward.

All right,

get it out of your system, go ahead.

- Carry on.
- Come on!

I just wanna quack you up.

That's not fair. You came prepared.

All right, okay. Hold on a second.

Uh...

- Please sparrow me your lousy puns.
- Mmmmmm!

- Uhh!
- Mmmmm!

Hey, let's go away this weekend.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Any particular reason why?

No. It's-it's wonderful that
they're getting married.

I'm very happy for him. I would
just prefer to be nowhere near it.

Okay.

Miami, my treat.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I meant like, you know. I don't know...

like Mount Airy Lodge or something.

No, I can't let you do that.

Yes, you can, so let's get
the fuck out of here.

Come on.

Miami! Yeah!

Okay?

Miami?

- Let's go!
- Oh!

Awww...

"The Naughty Fireman."

I miss that.

Nick used to pretend to rescue
me from a burning building,

give me CPR, strap me to the gurney...

Anyway, fuck him.

Just pretend like I'm not here.

Ignore me.

All right.

Yeah, I'll look for flights.

Diane?

Diane, that's not your room.

I've done some research,

physician-assisted suicide.

It's a daunting decision.

It's expensive, too.

But I figure, why go
through all the rigmarole

when I can just drink a tall
glass of fabric softener?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You're not even listening.

Doesn't surprise me.

You haven't been listening for weeks.

Oh, of course I am!

Oh, okay, so tell me how long do I have.

About 20 minutes.

Not the session.

How long did my oncologist give me?

Was it "A," six months,

"B," two years, or "C," any moment?

Bennett, you're insulting me.

Choose!

Eight months... six months!

There's nothing wrong with me.

I made that up ten minutes ago.

Well, we should talk about that.

Bennett, please sit down, okay?

- We need to unpack this.
- I'm not unpacking.

I am packing and leaving.

Well, Bennett, we have
been working together

for seven years!

Sell that to the next sucker.

So, I thought it might be best to, um,

kind of just start off with

what your expectations are of me.

I just haven't been told much yet.

As you can see, this is a...
this is a small operation.

So, as Managing Director,

you'd be in charge of, um, everything.

Okay, so what does "everything" entail?

Usual stuff... answering
phones, bookkeeping,

- running out for lunch...
- Buying stamps.

Well, I'm, I'm happy to
hit the ground running.

It'll be good for me
to be busy this week.

My ex is getting married.

I mean, not that... never mind,
never mind, never mind, but...

Busy, busy. Like a woodpecker.

Because they... they seem very busy.

Yeah, good, because the more you care,

the less I have to.

And one more thing...

Curtail the bird humor.

But I shouldn't have to tell you that.

No bird humor.

It's a warbler.

Oh, right.

It's pretty.

- You. You.
- Oh.

You sure you want to do this?

He's never coming home again.

Come on.

Fuck it, I'll put a treadmill in here.

Never?

Or just not for winter break?

Doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
It's good, it's good.

It's-it's-it's good for me,
you know? I just...

I need to learn how to detach and...

if that means burying his baby teeth

in the back yard? So be it.

Oh, my God!

So tell me, how much of
this is because of Cole

and how much of this is because
of the patient that left you?

Who cares? They're both
ungrateful assholes!

And both bed wetters, by the way.

It's dead, don't worry.

Pick it up, Cece!

Pick it up, Lila!

Hey, uh, can you cover
practice on Saturday?

I'm, you know, getting married.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Congrats, man. My role model.

Yeah, we're keeping it small.

Just the kids, the justice of peace.

It's because of Jackie's bed rest.

So, uh, when's the bachelor party?

Oh, God, no.

I'm not a bachelor party guy.

Not at all.

Actually, strippers scare me.

No shit, dude.

Strippers will blackmail you.

Hey.

- Hey!
- How you doing?

Good. How they looking out there?

- Yeah. Great.
- Yeah?

- Like champs, seriously.
- Hey, Mom!

Cece, you walk on this court,

and you walk your butt home!

Let's go!

- How are you?
- Good, good. How are you?

You forgot, huh?

Oh, shit.

I forgot.

Yeah, she's gonna be at
Carla's till probably 7:00.

Right. 7:00.

Okay, well...

I'll just get a tea.

I've got a book.

- Okay.
- I'll come back.

Do you want to get dinner?

Okay.

Okay.

I get her point. She's
too old for bunk beds.

Hmm.

What is she asking for
exactly? A single?

- A double.
- Hmm.

- And you're gonna get it?
- I don't know. Maybe.

Okay, just my opinion.

But for somebody that doesn't pay rent,

Diane is getting damn bossy.

Does she...

- does she do the laundry?
- I know.

I hate disappointing her.

So, I hope you weren't
offended about the wedding.

- No, of course not.
- I mean, we disinvited everybody.

And Jackie's family was pissed!

Ugh.

They're tailgaters at heart.

Regardless of the event.

Well, let's be honest.

Neither of us wanted me there.

It was like a game of etiquette chicken.

Besides, Henry is taking
me to Miami this weekend.

- Nice!
- Mm-hmm.

Crossing state lines.

We're crossing state lines.

Well...

- Oooh.
- Yes. To my ex-husband...

on the eve of his wedding.

May you have all the happiness
you so richly deserve.

A marriage filled with love...

good health...

and trust.

Thanks.

Wait, it just hit me.

This is my bachelor party.

This is it.

With my ex-wife.

I didn't order strippers

because I know how much they scare you.

Right there.

You know I could never lie to you.

Uh-uh.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Really?

I'm getting married and having a baby

with somebody that I haven't
even known for a year.

Some people would think
that was psychotic.

But you seem so happy in love.

Yeah, maybe it's just
pre-wedding jitters.

Yeah, it's... It'll be fine.

Well, did you feel that way
before we got married?

No.

Oh! You two again!

Every week!

I'm telling Dan you stole his table!

What?

I don't have a clue.

Mmm.

I'm almost ready.

Oh, no. Almost?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Oh! Hi!

Hello.

- You must be Frances.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm Ursula, Henry's ex.

Oh, hi, yeah.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Oh, he's, um... I don't know.

I don't need him. Payroll.

Okay.

You two going away?

- Yeah, Miami.
- Smart.

You should enjoy it
while it's still there.

Ursula?

Yeah, it's Ursula.

You should pack some sunscreen.

He burns like a bale of hay.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, I knew that.

Have a good time.

Hey, Ella says Lila's
not at the salon yet.

What? I'll call her.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey, man.

Uh, yeah, you can just put
those in the kitchen.

Lila.

Where are you? Call me. Thank you.

Oh, hey, yeah.

Yeah, you can just set those anywhere.

Sorry, do you have some gauze

and some antibacterial ointment?

I'm in bad shape here.

Bobby, can you bring me my dress?

I want to get everything all set.

No.

Oh, man, I, I totally forgot.
It's still in the truck.

That was the one thing
I asked you to do.

In all fairness, it wasn't
just the one thing.

Do you think I like asking
you to do everything?

I would kill to drop off
my own dry cleaning!

I'm sorry. Can you wear
a different dress?

It's the dress I wore the
night we got pregnant.

I wanted to wear it on my wedding day.

It is the one thing

that was still gonna be
the way I pictured it.

- I'm sorry.
- Look, Robby.

I know you've been married
before, but I haven't.

And this is still a very big deal to me.

Even bigger than I thought it would be.

Wa... wait a second.

Yeah, I was married before.

And then I had to go through
a hellfire, acid bath

of a fucking divorce.

And now I'm getting married again.

So, yeah. Shit, yeah.
This is a big deal to me.

This one has to be forever.

Here, man.

- I'm sorry, I shouldn't drive.
- Dude!

Get the fuck out!

Could you please get me my dirty dress?

All right... office, Mom's, airport.

Yeah, but we gotta,
gotta keep it moving.

What the hell are we
gonna do for three hours

at the airport anyway?

It just makes me feel more
comfortable to have time.

I like to get there early,

buy my World of Interiors magazine,

- my greasy Cinnabon.
- Ah.

Just makes me feel good.

So, does, um... does Ursula just...

walk in and out of your
apartment all the time?

No. I told her I've been dating you.

She did it just to screw with me.

Oh. Well, you know,

they say that you can learn
so much about a person

by traveling with them.

I already have.

Gotta change the locks on your ex-wife.

Done.

Okay, here, give me the groceries.

Uh, been meaning to mention
something, actually.

Ursula and I aren't
technically divorced.

What?

Oh, my God! I love your look!

It's fun but pulled together.

Oh, well, thank you very much!

It's Rebecca Taylor.

Don't tell anyone, but it's
from three seasons ago.

You know, you should help me.

I'm thinking of a
complete style makeover.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

Well, well, well.

I am gonna break you down

and build you back up

stitch by stitch.

I'm Diane.

- Sharon.
- Sharon.

Diane, let's spend some money.

I would love it!

Talk to me.

It really is because of the business?

There's no other reason?

If we had split up the business,

it would've killed us financially.

- Hola, Frances.
- Hi, Joseph.

So, it's just... I don't know.

If it's really not a big deal,

then why didn't you just say something?

It's just legal shit.

Okay.

Sometimes, I like to avoid things.

- That's honest.
- It really only matters

if either of us want
to get married again.

I definitely don't, so...

Oh, you don't?

Never.

Uh-uh.

Another thing I get to learn about you.

Okay, off to your mom's.

Why don't you want to get married again?

Just wondering.

Well, because I did it,
it didn't work out,

so now I don't ever have to do it again.

Besides, the best part
of being our age is

now we get to do whatever
the hell we want.

Right? No more rules.

Uh, expiration date was two days ago?

It's your mother.

But there's no blue.

Well, you know, one could argue...

that the second time would
be more meaningful.

Because of what we've learned.

Because there are no rules now.

So, do you want to get married again?

Well, it depends who's asking.

No, I'm just kidding. That's...
Nah, just kidding. Uh...

I don't know. I guess not.

Come on, let's go.

All right, off to Miami!

Oh, sorry.

Hello?

Well, no, haven't seen her since
this morning when I left.

Has Tom seen her?

Um, okay, well, I'll try her
and then I'll call you back.

No, no, no. I can do it.
It's okay. Okay.

Yeah, bye.

- What?
- Lila, honey, where are you?

- I'm at the apartment.
- Well, what are you doing there?

You're supposed to be at your father's.

I don't feel like going.

- Why, what happened?
- Nothing.

I shouldn't be forced to
go if I don't want to.

Well, honey, no one's forcing you to go.

Mom, I don't want to talk about it.

Fuck!

It's okay.

We can do this another time.

Come on.

Do you know what this means, Mimi?

A studio apartment in a
shitty neighborhood,

but all mine!

Okay, Sharon, you all set, honey?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you very much.

Put that in there.

_

Huh. I'm sure this is just some
kind of security precaution,

but for some reason it's saying
that your card's been declined.

Oh, gosh!

How could I forget?

I don't have any money,

because your bitch husband
stole everything we had.

I live with my daughter now.

She makes me feel like a visiting virus.

So fuck you!

You probably better restock that.

Okay.

Oh, my.

Well...

I could splash some merlot
strategically on the other boob

so that it matches.

- Ugh.
- I love you.

I love you, too.

Lila?

Goddammit!

Just a huge point of pride.

I've never had to do this before.

Okay, where are you?

She's at the mall.

She's at the mall, okay.

My God, does she ever pick anything up?

All right, let's go!

All right...

Shit, it doesn't say which floor.

I feel like we should
just go... clockwise.

Oh.

Do you mind?

I've been thinking about
one of those all day.

Yeah, take it. I feel
like I'm gonna barf.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay, here's the thing...

I still care about your dad.

And I know he really wants you there.

But that is your decision. I
would never push you to go.

But I just want to tell you this, okay?

If you don't go...

I'm just worried that...

you know, in a few years,

you're gonna look back and
you're gonna regret it.

And you're gonna remember how
much it meant to your father,

and you're gonna feel lousy.

And I just don't want
you to go through that.

Like I said, it's your choice.

Oh, my God, I had one bite, I feel sick.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hello.

So, you saved the day.

I was happy to help.

- What about Miami?
- Oh. Another time.

It's gonna be okay.

Thanks.

Yeah.

- Hang on one second.
- Okay.

I'm sorry.

What are you talking about?

It's a good day.

Work sucks.

Maybe I don't give a shit about
people's problems anymore.

Oh, you poor thing.
You're waiting for me

to say something wise, aren't you?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

Our son entered the delusion
that college is optional.

I looked in his face back there,

and I saw the eyes of a taxidermy mule.

- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.

High... Right here.

Surprise!

Nice ears, Helen Keller!

Tom, you have to go to college.

It's a rip-off. Even Jackie
says it's a waste of time.

She has no business sharing
her opinions with him.

Just let me talk to Jackie.

She's all yours... as soon as I finish.

Well, strike up the band! Barbie's here!