Divorce (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript

- Tom, hurry up!
- Yeah, one sec!

Tom:
Move!

- There's water everywhere!
- No... Tom!

Tom, the shower curtain, okay?

Oh, God!
Oh, goddammit!

It's about to
sound worse than it is.

What? I knew it was going too well.
Is everything okay?

Everything is fine, but
you have placenta previa.

Don't know what that means.
Don't like it.

Your placenta's a little low.

Still don't know what that means.
Still don't like it.



Jack, the baby will be fine, but you're
gonna have to be on bed rest.

- Okay.
- Oh, good.

I thought you
were gonna freak out on me.

No, of course not. I mean...
whatever's best for the baby.

And you don't mean
like actual bed rest, right?

Just like no kickboxing classes?

Bed rest as in your ass
doesn't leave the mattress.

- How long does that go on?
- Until I say it's okay.

- Oh. Okay, so...
- Wait, like...

- I can't go to work?
- No.

- Drive? Sex?
- No.

She asked, but, you know,
I'm mildly curious.

Don't even think about it.

We're supposed to get married
next week. Should I be scared?



Of the pregnancy? No.

Of marriage?
All three of mine were train wrecks.

See you in two weeks.

Oh, hi, honey.
It's your mom.

'cause that's what moms do,
they call.

And when they don't hear back,
they call again, so...

Kidding! Call me! I love you!
Bye-bye.

I... Made you a quinoa jar for later.

That's so sweet,
but I'm gonna try to get

those bitches from accessories
to invite me out.

I'm still trying
to make some friends.

- It's a rough schoolyard.
- Oh. Okay.

- Thought you liked my jars.
- Oh, my God, Dallas.

I do. I love your quinoa jars
and your pasta pesto salad jars

and everything you put in jars. But
you've gotta get off my back, okay?

This is gonna be a really
difficult week for me!

So please be sensitive!

Well, that is why I felt
you needed nurturing!

You're not my mother, and you're never
going to be my mother!

And we have to leave in ten!
Wear your heavy socks!

Childish!

So I... so I knock it off the
ceiling with a broom...

It runs across the floor
like a thoroughbred,

so I corner it, right, but then
I accidentally drop the broom.

And sensing my-my-my
weakness, my vulnerability,

the little fucker started
chasing me!

Yeah, and then...
Then it started flying!

I could literally hear
its disgusting wings,

like, flapping past me.

Oh, my God!
It's Jurassic Park!

God, Lila's screaming,
Tom's laughing at me,

but I finally, I was able to
suck it up with my DustBuster.

And then cleverly, I sealed the
opening with packing tape.

I told you not to move
into that place.

No, I believe the quote was,
"You go, girl!"

- I don't remember that.
- Well, anyway, it doesn't matter.

The move was good.
Everybody needed a change.

I just... I simply forgot
about bugs in New York City.

Well I hope that Henry kills
them for you when he's around.

- Like a trained assassin.
- Oh, that's a good boyfriend.

- Well, I don't...
- What?

We're not, you know... We're not really
playing it like that.

Oh, so how exactly
are you "playing it"?

I don't know. We haven't gotten into it.
And, anyway, who cares?

- Please, obviously you don't mean that.
- No, I mean that.

- Hey, I have some very exciting news!
- Good! What?

- Well, you're getting a new roommate!
- What?

Yeah! I'm gonna be staying with you
on the nights the kids are with Robert!

Wait, so... you're gonna... you wanna...
you wanna live with me on the nights

that I have the whole
apartment to myself?

She crushes up vitamins and puts
them in my cereal, Frances!

It's calcium. And someday you're gonna
take a fall and get right up,

and you're gonna have
me to thank for it.

You won't even know that I'm there.
I promise.

So... It's like Dallas and I are
sharing joint custody of you?

Yes, exactly!
That's exactly what it is.

- Know what? I could make up a calendar.
- Please don't make a calendar.

Okay. Frances,
I'm gonna see Nick tomorrow...

- ...in prison.
- Fine.

Thank you, Frances! Thank you,
thank you! You won't regret it.

Things really haven't turned out the way
they were supposed to, have they?

- Fucking no.
- It's all shit.

Well, no one can ever
tell you you didn't try.

No. I really did.
I put up a good fight, but...

...in the end, I lost
the Battle of Hastings.

First off,
I am so, so sorry.

I can really tell how much love
you've put into this place.

- Thanks.
- Electrical?

Yeah, unfortunate combination
of bad wiring

and an artist that worked in neon.

Oh, yeah, neon.

Anyway... Do you think that maybe
you can give me...

even just like a hint
of what I might expect?

They would kill me
for giving you an estimate,

but the most they would
probably give you is

$2,000 to $3,000.
I am so sorry.

Jeez, I made like five times that
amount on my last show alone.

I know, it's awful.

But the paintings that were
here during the fire,

they had no proven value.

What? Of course they did.
What...?

I mean, people were going to buy them.
They all... they all had stickers.

Well, in my line of work,
I've found that people can use this

as an opportunity to make a big change.

This was my change. This was
all I wanted my entire life.

Well, I'm sure you've
been looking, right?

A lot, yeah. It just seems
no one's hiring... me.

Okay.

All right, here's some
necessary bed rations.

- Thank you.
- I'm gonna run some errands.

I'm gonna swing by
a couple of job sites.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay
on the Dick Cheney torture bed?

Oh, please. It'll take a lot
more than a metal bar up my ass

- to get me to talk.
- Good stuff.

But don't try to take a nap, because
sleeper sofas are not for sleeping.

Do not worry.
I have everything I need.

I've got my computer,
my phone, remote, snacks...

tweezer, mirror.
I'm going to crush it on bed rest.

And I'm gonna kick this
to-do list in the dick.

I'm gonna beat on it
like a fly-swatter.

- Here, let me help you out with that.
- Thank you.

Ah, come here, buddy.

What do you think? Father?
Grandfather?

There's no wrong answer here.

Hello, I'm Frances Everdell.
Is Skip here?

Can I ask what this
is in regards to?

- Sure, I'm-I'm looking for a job.
- Like, right off the street?

- Yep, right off the street.
- How does that even work?

- Well, you just...
- I'm sorry. I'm Jendra.

- I know who you are.
- You do?

We all do.
Skip stole Sylvia from you.

- You called him an asshole.
- Oh, shit, sorry.

No one calls Skip
an asshole. Hi.

- Are you really looking for a job?
- Yeah. Yeah, 'cause...

my... 'cause my previous one,
I just felt like I outgrew it.

- And you decided to come here?
- You've got such fucking nerve!

Stop, stop. Anyway...

Yeah, I have a bunch of offers.
I have tons of offers. I just...

Nothing's, you know... nothing
has felt right thus far, so...

- Skip does love seeing people grovel.
- Oh. Shocking.

- But he's in Auckland right now.
- Great, so maybe when he gets back,

could you just...
you could ask him?

I'm sorry. He'd probably fire me
just for asking.

Actually, the idea of it
is already stressing me out.

Right.
'Cause he's an asshole.

Okay. Thank you.

Carlos? Hey, buddy, I need
you to cover for me today.

Go by the Alberts',
get that bathroom demo going.

And then swing over
to the Mission Avenue site

and tear out the rest
of that drywall.

Eight grand?
It's a 30 square-foot bathroom!

You know what? Fuck it.
I'm gonna go get a mask.

I'll tear that shit out myself.

Well, I would,
but I have to go buy...

Birthday Cake Popcorn?

Yeah. I know.
All right. Later.

I got the rest of the store
in my truck.

- How'd it go? Any problems?
- I learned how to save someone's life

if they've been bitten
by a black mamba.

I held a toddler
and looked like a fucking mummy.

Oh, oh, come here.
Come here.

We talked about this.
I am sexy second wife,

and you are hot older dad.

Thank you.
I'm crazy about you,

and I'm over the moon
about the baby.

Just not looking forward to,

"Hey Grandpa, take it easy
in the sandbox."

Maybe it's time to rethink things,

steer the old ship of dreams
back to port.

I'm sorry, I mean, you just
hit a rough patch. It'll get better.

No, no, no. I'm sorry,
I need a steely-eyed professional.

This is a very urgent
fork in the road.

Okay, would you like
me to take notes?

Yes, please, if you
feel it's appropriate.

Okay, so...

What brings you in here
in the middle of the day?

I have been working
under the assumption...

that I should try and find
a job doing something,

you know, I actually like.

But after months of looking,

it seems that idea has come
to a dead-end, so...

I think I... I think I just need
to get a job. You know, any job.

- How would that make you feel?
- I'm a big girl. I can do it.

I just wish my future looked
a little brighter, that's all.

And you have, one more interview
left today, right?

- An art thing?
- Yep, an art thing.

Okay, so you do your best,
and if it goes really badly...

I can always go back
to sweeping chimneys.

See? Things are looking up already!
You had a breakthrough!

And your timing's perfect, because I
have a real patient in five minutes.

You're a miracle worker. I mean,
no wonder you're booked solid.

Ah, I've always wanted
to have a breakthrough. Thank you!

All right, knock 'em dead.

- I'm Leo.
- Hello, I'm Frances Everdell.

This is my sister, Bev.

Hello, Bev.

She's shy. Welcome to the New York
Avian Society.

Thank you. I'm sorry I'm not as familiar
with your organization as I'd like.

Your website was just a cartoon bird

with a jackhammer that said,
"Under construction."

- Yes, we have to get on that.
- I'm assuming that you do art projects

related to birds because
of "Avian Society,"

which, for a minute,
I thought was bees.

But that's "apian."
I looked that up.

Right, so first thing,
small correction.

Someone posted this job
in the wrong category!

We have nothing to do with art.

- Nothing?
- Unless you count the little boxes

I draw on my legal pad every day.

So what does your society do?

We're dedicated to the
appreciation and protection

of the birds of New York City.

Urban birds. It was founded by
our Great Aunt Leonard.

You know, Red Tailed Hawks,
House Sparrows...

Laughing Gulls, Rock Pigeons,
Eastern Bluebirds...

Jesus, Bev, she gets it!
It's a fairly simple concept!

- My God, what a coincidence.
- What?

I'm a... I'm... I'm a bird aficionado.

- Really?
- Yes! No, I am bananas about birds!

Parakeets and seagulls and...

I'm the one that's always
nice to pigeons.

And... And who wouldn't be
mesmerized by the...

by the majesty
of the Eastern Blackbird.

- Bluebird.
- Bluebird! Bluebird, Bluebird.

No, no, I would be proud,
I would be honored

to help New Yorkers understand
and protect our urban birds.

- Interesting.
- And, Bev, as a former headhunter,

I know how difficult it is
to fill those, those key positions.

And, Leo, as someone
that ran her own business,

I can help take some of that
burden off your shoulders.

Oh, we'll...
we'll be in touch.

Yes, Lady Raiders!

That's what I'm talking about!
Nice job, ladies!

- Good job, ladies.
- Nice job!

- Good job.
- You never think you'd see this, right?

Can't complain.
11-0 record!

Yeah, except for the part where you
turned 12 sweet kids into sociopaths.

But who doesn't like to win?

Sorry, Uncle Jer.
I know, pick and roll!

- I'm a fucking idiot!
- Yes, you are an idiot.

Just keep your eye on the ball
and off of nose ring over there.

Hey, Bobby Knight,
before you start throwing chairs,

you might wanna remember
these are high school girls.

They're kind of dangling
off the edge as it is.

Sorry, Robert.
You're absolutely right.

Keep reminding me.
I appreciate it.

- Lila!
- Hey.

Great game, you killed it.
Great game.

And... you stayed golden in here.
Good job.

All right, girls, let's bring it in.
Listen up. Winning, totally cool.

Increases the dopamine
in the brain and what not,

but let's try to remember
this is a game.

Have fun.
You can chuckle now and then.

Maybe even crack a smile.
What do you think?

All right, just keep it in mind.
Who wants to take us out?

- I do.
- All right, what do you got?

- Jason Campbell's an asshole.
- "Asshole" on three?

- No... Maybe "teamwork"?
- Fine.

- Okay. One, two, three...
- Teamwork!

Yeah.

So what do you say? Grab some dinner?
Next stop, sub-regionals!

- I can't.
- Don't even rate a good lie?

Well... my fiancée is pregnant,
and there's a lot going on.

Fantastic!
Congratulations, man, yeah!

Well, I haven't told my kids yet.
Or my ex.

And Lila's... standing right there,
so Keep it on the down-low.

Got it, got it.
Won't say a word.

You know, this time of secrets and
avoidance has been a happy one,

but all good things must come to an end.

- Diane.
- Sign it.

- Diane, I've missed you so...
- Don't "Diane" me, sign it.

Look, I just don't think
we should do anything rash.

Just so you know...
every hour of every single day,

I have imagined taking
one of your golf clubs

and bashing
your fucking brains in!

Diane, don't give them any ideas.

Listen to me.
Sit down, sit down.

- I'm a changed man, really.
- Please don't tell me you found God.

Fuck no, but I found humility.

Give me a break. You're in a jumpsuit!
You sleep on a cot, Nick!

- I'm not impressed, okay?
- Look, I even made you some presents.

- What is this?
- Animal figurines.

I made them from toilet paper
and eyeliner.

This is how you're trying
to win me back?

No, no, not just that.
I also made-made these.

I-I-I painted these with...
with rouge and, and lipstick.

Diane!

Diane, those took me months to make!

Do you understand that
you destroyed me, Nick?

Can you get that through your fat skull?
You destroyed me!

And painted toilet paper
is not gonna win me back.

- I also got you a pouch of tuna.
- Sign it, sign it, sign it, sigh it!

We're not allowed pens.
A few bad apples.

Alvarez. Do not fuck with me.

I want you to get me
a goddamn pen right now.

Right now. Get it, get it, get it!
Give him the goddamn pen.

Sign it, Nick.

- Honey, I-I know we've been fighting...
- Mom...

but I thought that this would be
a good time for us to reconnect.

So when you get home, we can go
straight to Shake Shack, right?

- Put it in your iCal.
- Mom, I'm not coming.

But I already... I already
bought you a ticket.

- I never said I was coming home.
- Of course you're coming home.

- You're not an orphan.
- I don't want to come home.

And I don't want to worry
every time I make a decision

that it's gonna hurt your feelings.

Well, of course it's gonna
hurt my feelings,

and I don't think there's anything wrong
with you being empathetic to that.

Mom, I have been avoiding it, because
hating your mother is such a cliché,

but... I can't do this.

Cole!

You okay?
How's the vacation?

Like Maui with bed sores.
I'm starting to lose my mind.

Pirate Booty!

I know who this is.

- Robert DuFresne?
- Yeah. Not a moment too soon.

- Guess what you won today.
- What?

- A new bed!
- What?

I got a new bed.

This way, fellas.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi. The calendar for the month.

You said you needed to sit down
with it to see if it makes sense.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- It's okay?

Yeah, yeah, it looks...
Yeah, it looks...

Pretty good. How's the...
How's the job hunting going?

It sucks. I can't even get
the jobs I don't want.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then we'll
get the mattress in.

Yeah, I'm gonna need
a hand with that.

What's... what's going on, Robert?

Yeah, I wasn't gonna
say anything until...

- ...we were a little farther...
- Jackie's pregnant.

- Yeah.
- I...

I... I-I didn't...
I didn't know that you...

It wasn't planned.
It just happened.

Excuse me.

Yeah, just toss it in the back.
I got it.

- All over again.
- Yeah.

Feels a lot more real
now that you know about it.

Gosh. It's so great.

- Thanks.
- It's... It's brave.

- Gotta dive right in, I guess.
- Yeah. Do the kids know?

No. No, no, no, no. I would never
tell them before I told you.

Plus, there's been some complications,
but it's... it'll be fine.

Really? Like...
Like what?

Just this rogue placenta situation.

- She's on bed rest.
- Oh, wow, yeah.

I'm sorry.
That's very scary.

- So... it's official.
- Yeah, looks good.

All right.
I'm not changing it.

- Give her my best. Definitely.
- Thank you.

- Ma'am, look out!
- I'm fine, I'm fine. Okay.

This is always good.

Oh, my God.
I got a job.

- There you go. Doing what?
- Helping birds.

That's good, right?

I have no idea.