Divorce (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Another Party - full transcript
- (door opens)
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late, Max.
- Mr. Silvercreek.
- Not a problem, dear.
We'll start whenever you're ready.
Okay, one second. I'm just gonna
just grab... grab some coffee.
Tony: Yeah, no problem.
- Morning.
- Hey.
What's going on? The kids are worried.
They've been calling
you. Where have you been?
Home. I just slept for
47 consecutive hours,
but I haven't caught
up on my voicemail yet.
47 hours?
I was overprescribed a medication,
but, um, I'm all squared away now.
Well, what... what kind of medication?
- Are you okay?
- Don't worry about it.
Thanks for your concern.
So, I'm just gonna...
I'll just tell the kids not to worry.
Okay.
All right, then. Shall we?
Yes. Let's do it to it.
Now, before we talk about Tom and Lila,
there's one small housekeeping item.
My client would like to have the
snake relocated to Robert's apartment.
(whispering)
Yeah.
Why?
(whispering)
Because it's a snake.
(clears throat) All right.
What about a
two-two-five?
Now that's two days with
you, two days with him,
and then five days straight
with the alternating party.
No.
Will the terrarium travel or do
we stipulate a second habitat?
The snake is, in fact,
female. Her name is Maureen.
And she would require
a second Bilbao branch.
- What, you mean the stick?
- It's not a stick.
It's an important part of her habitat.
She retreats up the Bilbao
branch for warmth and security.
A second habitat would
have to be commensurate
with the lifestyle to which
she's become accustomed.
I don't want the snake.
I'll take Maureen full-time.
Clearly, with Frances she
would die a slow, painful death.
Tony: Okay, ahem. Let's
see here. Moving on.
Tom and Lila, just an overview.
- Who takes them to school?
- Both: I do.
Well, we alternate.
- Who picks them up?
- I do.
Because I'm at my office
in the city working.
- Who takes them to the pediatrician?
- I do.
I've taken them to the pediatrician.
- Allergist?
- That would be me.
Well, unfortunately, the allergist
doesn't offer Saturday appointments...
- Dentist?
- Me.
Yeah, but who's the Tooth Fairy? Me.
Who writes the notes? Me.
He doesn't even know their names.
I know my children's names.
No, I mean the Tooth Fairies' names.
There's more than one?
Lila has Beatrice, Tom has Bella.
And they're sisters.
They're from Toothsylvania.
- This is turning into an acid trip.
- Robert: My son is 15.
He doesn't give a shit
about "Toothslyvania."
- (Tony clears throat)
- That's not true.
Okay, so Frances makes up bogus
stories about spirits and familiars,
but who drives the kids
to soccer, basketball?
- Who volunteers at the school?
- Me, me, and me.
Hey, what's the strategy behind
making me look like a negligent mother?
I was... I was as surprised
by that as you were.
Usually, those questions are
slam dunks for the mother.
Well, Robert only does all those things
because he doesn't have a real job
while I'm working,
making money so we can afford
the doctors and the snake sticks.
My advice, Frances... it wouldn't hurt
for you to be, well, a
little more visibly involved,
especially now.
When custody issues get heated,
it's less about truth,
more about perception.
I call it the cloud of unknowing.
- Tony: Hey, Maxy boy.
- What?
You forgot your parachute.
(chuckles) The doctor
says it's good for my equilibrium.
- I had a small stroke recently.
- Yes, a mini-stroke.
Yes, we've discussed this repeatedly.
Well, it's much better.
A little extra ballast makes
for smoother sailing, no?
Sure.
Pull.
Pull, pull.
- Pull, pull.
- Ha!
I really just wanna cry.
(music playing)
So, I was thinking that each booth
could represent a different culture.
That way, we're looking at
a different snack or game
- or maybe a craft.
- Hi, hi!
I'm sorry I'm late.
Are you sure you have the right room?
Oh, is this the planning
meeting for the spring carnival?
- Group: Yes.
- Okay, good. Then I'm in... yeah, I'm in the right room.
Natalie: Oh, okay. (chuckles)
I'm sorry. I just
didn't recognize you.
Oh, I'm Tom and Lila's mom.
- Oh, Lila C.?
- Oh, no. Lila D.
DuFresne, DuFresne.
Yeah, I'm Robert's wife.
- Sort of.
- Group: Oh, Robert!
We love Robert.
- Hey, how is Robert?
- Oh, he's good, he's good.
And we're okay. We're okay.
You know, we're sort of mid-transition.
You know, sort of post-counseling,
pre... I don't know, whatever.
- (group chuckling)
- As I was saying,
um, each booth would
represent a different culture.
Like, the Japanese booth
would be a game they love
- and the prize would be an origami kit.
- All: Oh!
Like, a Russian one would be
a matryoshka doll or something.
That's a great idea.
And that's good, too, because
of the global, you know...
think locally, act globally.
- Yeah.
- And then global economy, so it's good to, like,
just touch base with other cultures.
Just get to know it. And
everyone loves ramen, right?
- Woman: Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. And it's affordable.
- That's good.
- Natalie: What else? What else?
Um, I was thinking, what about
our own little Renaissance faire?
- Natalie: Nice.
- Right?
(overlapping voices)
Should've had my V8.
Oh, my gosh! And then we can
have those big turkey legs.
- Oh, yeah!
- I love them!
- My kids love them!
- That's so good.
So good. And then we could
all fight over the dark meat.
- What?
- Huh?
You know, 'cause everybody's
like, "I want the dark meat.
I want the dark meat."
You know? (snickers)
- So, these are really great ideas.
- So great.
- All of these are wonderful.
- I know, they're so great, so great.
Oh, wait, wait. I have a
thought. I have a thought.
What about an underwater restaurant theme?
You know, like... oh!
We could collect all our old kitchen
sponges, so don't throw them away.
And, um, we could drape
crepe paper from the ceiling
for a hide-and-seek
kelp forest.
We did that last year.
You did a crepe paper
hide-and-seek kelp forest last year?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
- Same exact thing.
- Oh.
Um, we filmed it.
It has over 700 hits on YouTube.
- Man: Yeah.
- Oh.
And is that a number
that you're all proud of?
Okay, so where were we?
- (whistling)
- (chatter)
- Oh, so cute.
- I know.
- See you.
- Bye-bye.
Oh. Hey, Janice?
- Yes?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Frances.
Yes, you introduced
yourself in the meeting.
Yes. Oh, I don't get to spend
as much time here as I'd like
'cause I work full-time,
you know, in the city.
- Mm.
- So, I really do wanna get more involved,
which is why I'm so excited about
serving on this very inspiring committee.
And I... I loved your big turkey leg idea.
- That was...
- Thank you.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Yeah. And I just wanted to assure you
that whatever transpired, you
know, between you and Robert,
you needn't feel uncomfortable,
because I'm not uncomfortable about it.
I mean, that is so low on my list
of priorities of import right now.
And regardless, you know,
the committee comes first.
- Okay.
- Well, no, no, no, no.
No, no, the children come first.
Well, act... actually, the
committee's for the children,
so, oh, my God, the
committee comes first, yeah.
Over you sleeping with my husband.
So, um, anyway, just...
I'm glad we had a chance
to clear the air and, you know,
now we can move forward,
you know, ah, unencumbered.
Mm, sure.
Okay, so... so I gotta dash.
Okay.
Oh. Oh, jeez.
This... yeah. No, I'm turned around again.
Is parent parking... is it that...?
- It's that way.
- To the right?
My right?
Got it, got it. You know what it is?
I got the committee and it's distracting
me, 'cause I'm committee crazy.
Lila, sweetie, come on.
- Lila: I'm coming!
- Okay.
Why do we have to go to this party?
Because I'm allowed to bring a guest,
and you guys are the people
that I most enjoy spending time with,
and that's who you bring to a party.
What, like how Dallas
brings Cole everywhere?
Uh, no. That's a different thing.
That's not like this at all.
- (music playing)
- Nice.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Oh, you didn't tell me you
were gonna bring your kids.
Well, you know, you... you told
me I could bring somebody special,
and these two are my
most special somebodies.
Mm, well, I meant somebody you were
screwing or would like to screw.
- I know! Didn't they get tall?
- They did!
- Yeah!
- Listen, why don't you guys go down and talk to Nick Jr.?
He's talking to the caterers about the NSA.
- Oh.
- Man: There she is!
- Roger!
- Hey, Diane.
Yay! I'll see you in a
sec. I'll be right there.
(gasps)
- Oh, thank God!
- (chuckles)
Yeah, she's taped all
the seating cards down.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Oh, wow.
- So we don't move them.
- Sneaky.
- Oh, God.
Why are all of Nick's
friends so unattractive?
There's only one guy here
- who doesn't look like he cries when he comes.
- Ooh!
Yeah, you should use that as an
opener when you introduce yourself.
- Thank you.
- All right, I'm gonna go check on the kids.
- Uh...
- Make sure they're not drinking.
Uh, wait a minute. I didn't
know kids were invited.
- Should I call Cole?
- No.
- No?
- Mm-mm, no.
And, of course, once
you add in the dock fees
- and seasonal maintenance...
- Right.
...um, desalting and rope
replacement, what have you...
it does add up.
Yeah, no, I bet.
Listen, Brad, can you
excuse me for just a second?
- Sure.
- I'll be right back or not.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
- What is he doing here?
- Who?
- Your lawyer.
- Oh, he's with me.
You brought your lawyer?
Well, he's my lawyer, but
he's also become my bro.
- Do you want some fondue?
- No, thank you.
Oh, nobody's dancing.
- Are people having a good time?
- Yeah, of course they are.
I can't tell. Normally,
I'd be drunk by now.
Ooh, that's a conundrum.
Listen, when you're done
passing out the hors d'oeuvres,
- maybe you could go dance a little?
- Man: Okay.
Yeah, now all I need is, like, I don't
know, four or six hours a night, tops.
These workouts have completely
changed my metabolism.
Do you realize that in
less than five minutes,
you have managed to mention
your body fat percentage,
vacationing on Mark Cuban's ranch,
and your brand-new,
limited-edition Porsche?
Okay, fine. Tell me something about you.
- I think you're a pig.
- Still about me. Try again.
Right. You don't wanna
know anything about me.
Oh, yeah? I would love to know
what your panties smell like.
Oh, and, you know, what
your favorite movie is.
I'm not wearing panties,
and "The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio."
You need to feel how hard you just made me.
Wow.
(whistling)
Hey, there you are. I thought
I'd find you at the fondue trough.
Oh, hey, Nick. Did you wanna jump in here?
- No. No, no. No, thank you.
- Oh, right.
So, listen, regarding your FunSpace,
how did you get such a low
quote from the equipment vendors?
Wait, you read the prospectus?
Not all 75 pages,
but I made a good dent
in it, skimmed the rest.
So, vendors?
Most of that equipment rents seasonally,
which is to say in the warm weather.
And it's in storage the rest of the year,
so whenever I gave them a shot
of a year-round income on the equipment,
they jumped right on it.
- Smart.
- Thanks, Nick.
Did you read about the
membership fee structure annually?
I have not gotten that far yet,
but, uh, please, no spoilers.
- Okay.
- Hey, have some more fondue.
Grab a drink.
Robert: Yep, so mark my words...
Bounce-A-Rama's stranglehold on the
Hudson Valley is coming to an end.
We used to take the grandkids
to a place like that,
but that was 40 miles away in Chatham.
And besides, that was the place
where the woman who owned it was, you know?
Banging teenagers. Yeah, it's a tragedy.
Anyway, they also found
human feces in the ball pit,
so that's kind of a
legal body slam for her.
- Sorry.
- Hi there.
- Brad Zimmer.
- Uh, no. We are not doing this again.
- Excuse me?
- We've met.
At Nick's 50th, game
night at the Baxandalls',
the Hymans' wedding, the
Hymans' kid's bar mitzvah
where I gave you cash to tip the valet.
So, if you wanna know my name,
you ask somebody else, because
I'm not telling you, okay?
You're drinking my wine.
Oh, my... (chuckles)
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- What's he doing?
- (glass clinking)
Hello, everyone.
Diane and I would like
to welcome you all to...
Both: Our recommitment party.
- Did you know about this?
- No. I wouldn't have come.
- I didn't know either.
- Hey, we're not talking to you.
- Surprise!
- Oh, God!
Right in my eye. That was a surprise.
Uh...
I think you all know we've, uh...
we've had an eventful few months.
But thankfully, we've been given
the gift of a second chance.
Diane...
getting married is easy,
staying married is hard,
and staying happily married
is damn near impossible.
But you and me, we're both fighters.
We fight.
But we only win when
we're on the same side.
Diane, I promise to stay on your side.
- They're the enemy.
- (all laughing)
- You wrote it down, huh?
- I did.
Not quite as professional as you.
"Nick, I'm sorry I almost
scared you to death,
but I'm grateful that
it has brought us here.
And I'm sorry I drank too much that night,
but I'm also grateful I was drunk
- or I might not have missed."
- (chuckles)
- You would've missed anyway.
- (all chuckling)
"Most of all,
I promise not to take this
second chance for granted
because I love you."
- Guests: Aw.
- Woman: That's so sweet.
Guests: Aw!
- Wow.
- Nick: Well, you know what?
Let's make it official with a toast.
Let's consider the vows taken care of.
I love you, Mouse.
And I love you, Pigpen.
- Here's to Mouse and Pigpen.
- Guests: To Mouse and Pigpen.
- To Diane.
- To Dad and Diane.
And to the ferocious "second
chance at life" lovemaking
that they're gonna do tonight.
- Nick: Jesus Christ.
- Classy.
Wait, I need some sparkling apple juice.
Don't toast yet. Wait for me.
It's bad luck to toast
with water. Excuse me?
- Yes, ma'am?
- Can I get some sparkling apple juice, please?
- Quickly. Thank you.
- Honey, it's okay. Just toast with water.
No, I need sparkling apple juice.
No, I can't toast to our future with water.
Actually, you can. This
is not the old country.
- You can just... you can just toast with water.
- No.
- It's fine.
- No, no, no.
Honey, we're all half-cocked here.
Excuse me? There's a bottle
of Martinelli's in the pantry.
- Can you just bring that really quick?
- Jesus Christ, Diane!
We're all sitting here
with our dicks in our hands!
Just pick up the glass and
let's toast. Get on with it.
- Come on, now.
- (sighs)
Here we go.
- To Nick and Diane.
- Guests: Nick and Diane.
- Nick and Diane.
- Nick and Diane.
Guests: Cheers!
Ooh, that's good booze.
- You are so hot.
- I can't get my coat on.
You ever been in a Porsche? Huh? A Porsche?
Are you kidding? (sighs)
Hola. Buenos nachos, pendejo.
- (chuckles)
- God, you condescending fuck.
- Shut up, you dirty puta.
- Ah, wait!
- (giggling)
- Watch your step. Ah, here we go!
(Dallas laughs) No, no, no, no!
♪ Now, I lay me down to sleep ♪
♪ Ooh, I just
can't find a beat ♪
♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Oh, I will never dance... ♪
- (distant dog barking)
- ♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Pararadi rarararararara ♪
♪ Oh, it's no use ♪
- ♪ Flash light... ♪
- Come on!
- Come on!
- ♪ Red light ♪
♪ Neon light ♪
♪ Ooh, stoplight ♪
♪ Now I lay me
down to sleep... ♪
(laughs)
♪ I guess I'll go
count the sheep ♪
♪ Oh, but I will
never dance... ♪
Cheers, somebody.
- (Dallas panting)
- Tony: A little slower. No, long strokes.
- Okay. Like this?
- Yeah, yeah, just like that.
Dallas: If you could just
move... yeah, a little higher.
Yeah, right there.
Right on.
All right. I'm almost there.
- Ow! Fuck! Holy shit!
- What?
God, you almost sliced my
balls off with your nails.
- Holy fuck.
- Fine.
You do you and I'll do me.
Okay? All right.
- (ring clinks)
- What? (chuckles)
Tums?
Huh? No. Maybe a breath mint.
- (chuckles)
- Oh. Shit.
Oh, shit, what? What happened?
- Did you drop one of those down there?
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what? I'll look for it.
Okay, please, like, really
take a look for it, okay?
Mm-hmm.
- I can't find it.
- Just look on your right now, okay?
(scoffs) Okay, I can't find it.
Are you fucking... are you fucking serious?
- It's just a Tums.
- Look, you know what? Just take the wheel.
- No, don't!
- (tires screech)
Tony: Unbelievable!
Will you drive?
- Drive it.
- Son of a fucking bitch!
- Now I gotta take the car in...
- God!
...and have to have my guy
take out the goddamn seat.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not fucking kidding. What am I supposed to do?
I can't have a Tums under the seat
decomposing in a brand-new Porsche.
(engine revs)
(music blaring)
- Unbelievable.
- You're dropping me off?
You're not coming back inside?
I told you, I need to have my
guy take out the fucking seats.
(sighs)
- Unbelievable.
- You're an asshole.
And you're a twat. Hey!
- Get my number from Robert.
- (engine starts)
(tires screech)
(sighs)
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Um, you want me to drive the kids home
so you can stay later with your friends?
Oh. Sure.
So you can have more time with the kids
and then you can have your lawyer
accuse me of staying late at parties
where alcohol is served?
(sighs) Yeah, I'm sorry.
I... I didn't know that's
how Tony did his job.
Really? It's his job to make
me look like an absentee mother
because I have to work at a real job?
I mean, one of us has to, Robert,
and, unfortunately, it's me.
I mean, I... seriously, I didn't
know he was gonna go that far
with the stuff about the kids.
Well, then you should've said something!
You know what kind of mother I am.
My God, I would never
let my lawyer accuse you
of not being a committed parent.
You know why I can't
make those appointments
and you know what I do for this family.
All right, all right, all right.
Look, I'll talk to Tony
and I'll just get him
to pull back on what he does.
Thank you.
I mean, just because this isn't pleasant
doesn't mean it can't be civil.
Yes.
Conversely, um, you'll have your lawyer,
you know, kind of cool it with the
mind games designed to psych us out.
- It's not fooling anybody.
- Oh.
Well, I was not aware
that he was doing that.
I saw him outside of Tony's
office trying to board a FedEx van
like it was a crosstown bus.
- Tony's onto him.
- Right.
Yeah, no, I'll... I will
definitely speak to him about that.
Okay. Thank you.
Well, I'm gonna get going.
I gotta get up early for church, so,
um, have a good night.
- Okay.
- Bye, kids.
- Your old man loves you.
- Lila: Night, Dad!
Tom: Later!
- (slurping)
- Good night, Diane.
- Good night.
- Okay, Lila and Tom, let's go.
- Tom: Yep.
- Lila, grab your coat, sweetie.
Lila: Okay! Be right there!
(laughing, chatter)
Look at him. What's he doing?
Stop having parties.
No, absolutely, but I just feel
like the landscape has shifted,
you know, a little since we started this.
You know who had a series of mini-strokes
and still performed
the duties of his office
at full capacity for years afterward?
Uh, nope. Nope. I don't know, no.
- Woodrow Wilson, that's who.
- Ah, yes.
Of course. Woodrow
Wilson, yes. God bless him.
Look, I know you've got a lot on your plate
with your, you know...
with your sit... situation.
And I... maybe it's time for,
you know... to change it up.
Who are you?
I'm... oh, my God. I'm Frances, Max.
- I'm... I'm Frances DuFresne.
- No, c-come on.
I mean "Who are you?"
as in where is the Frances who wanted
to settle this quickly and politely?
- Not a big, ugly battle.
- Yeah. No, I know.
I still want that, but
obviously Robert doesn't.
You know what?
You're right.
Some partnerships, just
like some marriages,
just... just aren't meant to be.
And I was considering stepping
away from your case anyway.
Pardon?
Well, to be frank, I find
you somewhat challenging.
You find me challenging?
And I have no enthusiasm
for getting into a crap-slinging
competition with Tommy Silverlake.
No, you, uh...
you need someone...
you need someone who enjoys
doing that type of thing.
Elaine Campbell.
So what if he buys the toilet paper
and takes the kids for their haircuts?
- Who tells them when it's time for a haircut?
- Me.
- Who chooses the doctor?
- Me.
Arranges the playdates, notices
when they need new shoes?
- Me and me.
- Of course it's you.
Silvercreek was just trying to rattle you.
- Well, it worked.
- Misogynist turd.
You were right to come to me.
Max can't handle him, especially right now.
Oh, so you haven't even filed yet?
Well, Max thought that we
should let Robert do it.
You know, because I was the instigator,
he thought it would be better for his ego.
You know, promote goodwill.
Bullshit.
I had a lawyer try that once
in a case involving a very
well-known piano man from Long Island.
Oh, you mean...
Whose name I can't tell you,
so let's just leave it there.
- All righty.
- Frances.
Do you want a divorce?
- Yes.
- So, let's file.
It is no longer your job
to make Robert feel good.
(sighs) Okay.
- I am more expensive than Max...
- Oy.
...but I can guarantee I'll
get you more than he ever could.
- Yes, that was my next question.
- Asked and answered.
- Google me. You'll see.
- Okay.
Doug will collect your
retainer on the way out.
Oh, so... so, we're done?
- For now. For now, dear.
- Okay.
So, I... I give Doug my
money and then he calls me.
- Doug will give you a call, all right?
- Okay.
He's... you'll find him right out there.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- Frances: Good, Lila!
- Robert: Go, go!
Lila, look at Sophie.
Look at Sophie. Sophie's open.
Go, Sophie. Yeah! Go, Sophie. Go!
- Girl: Take the shot!
- Crowd: Aw!
- Robert: Get back on D!
- Nice work, Lila!
Get back. Get back on D.
Find your man. Check those corners.
- Off the court.
- I got it. Check those corners.
- That little 4 is dangerous.
- Yeah.
- Robert: Block that out, block that out.
- Man: Yeah!
- Time-out. Time-out.
- (whistle blows)
- Bring it in.
- Time-out, Raiders!
- Bring it in, bring it in.
- Lila kind of sucks.
- No, she doesn't.
- I mean, a little bit.
She doesn't even suck a little bit.
She's enjoying the game.
That's all that matters.
Listen, you guys are
losing your focus on D.
That's why they just
scored six points in a row.
Now we're down by two.
Remember, we are playing to get better,
but we are also playing to win.
Last week, we lost by two.
How about this week, we win by two?
Does that sound like a fun
plan? Sounds like fun to me.
- Let's make our destiny tonight right now.
- (buzzer blares)
Lady Raiders on three. One, two, three!
- Girls: Lady Raiders!
- Let's go, let's go. We're back in.
(whistle blows)
Lady Raiders!
Lila! Look, get open down low.
Go.
Nice! Look at Sophie down the line.
Look at Sophie. Nice!
- Yes! Yes!
- Whoo!
Yes! Get back on D.
- Tom: Go, Lila!
- Get back on D. Find your man.
- Robert Carroll DuFresne?
- What?
- It's from Elaine Campbell and Associates.
- Who?
- You've been served.
- Wait, Mom. Who's that guy?
- Who's that guy with Dad?
- Man, I'm in the middle of a game.
As stated, you've been served divorce
papers by the State of New York.
- Robert: Time-out. What is this?
- Shit.
- Swear jar. Remind me. Sorry.
- (whistle blows)
- Who are you?
- Ref: Time-out! Last one, Tigers.
- What did... I'm not taking this!
- Ref: Hey, whoa.
- Son of a bitch! Take that with you.
- (whistle blows)
That's a technical, Coach.
- Oh!
- Oh, God.
Not a... not a great place for a bag.
Robert. Robert.
I didn't know she was gonna do that.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know she was
gonna do that in public.
(sighs)
We're back in.
Ref: Coach, give me a shooter!
Two shots for the technical!
- (chatter)
- (whistle blows)
- Man: Tough game. Let's go.
- Woman: Yeah, take your time.
- (basketball net whooshes)
- (applause)
(ball bouncing)
- (basketball net whooshes)
- (applause)
- (music playing)
- Woman #2: Nice!
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late, Max.
- Mr. Silvercreek.
- Not a problem, dear.
We'll start whenever you're ready.
Okay, one second. I'm just gonna
just grab... grab some coffee.
Tony: Yeah, no problem.
- Morning.
- Hey.
What's going on? The kids are worried.
They've been calling
you. Where have you been?
Home. I just slept for
47 consecutive hours,
but I haven't caught
up on my voicemail yet.
47 hours?
I was overprescribed a medication,
but, um, I'm all squared away now.
Well, what... what kind of medication?
- Are you okay?
- Don't worry about it.
Thanks for your concern.
So, I'm just gonna...
I'll just tell the kids not to worry.
Okay.
All right, then. Shall we?
Yes. Let's do it to it.
Now, before we talk about Tom and Lila,
there's one small housekeeping item.
My client would like to have the
snake relocated to Robert's apartment.
(whispering)
Yeah.
Why?
(whispering)
Because it's a snake.
(clears throat) All right.
What about a
two-two-five?
Now that's two days with
you, two days with him,
and then five days straight
with the alternating party.
No.
Will the terrarium travel or do
we stipulate a second habitat?
The snake is, in fact,
female. Her name is Maureen.
And she would require
a second Bilbao branch.
- What, you mean the stick?
- It's not a stick.
It's an important part of her habitat.
She retreats up the Bilbao
branch for warmth and security.
A second habitat would
have to be commensurate
with the lifestyle to which
she's become accustomed.
I don't want the snake.
I'll take Maureen full-time.
Clearly, with Frances she
would die a slow, painful death.
Tony: Okay, ahem. Let's
see here. Moving on.
Tom and Lila, just an overview.
- Who takes them to school?
- Both: I do.
Well, we alternate.
- Who picks them up?
- I do.
Because I'm at my office
in the city working.
- Who takes them to the pediatrician?
- I do.
I've taken them to the pediatrician.
- Allergist?
- That would be me.
Well, unfortunately, the allergist
doesn't offer Saturday appointments...
- Dentist?
- Me.
Yeah, but who's the Tooth Fairy? Me.
Who writes the notes? Me.
He doesn't even know their names.
I know my children's names.
No, I mean the Tooth Fairies' names.
There's more than one?
Lila has Beatrice, Tom has Bella.
And they're sisters.
They're from Toothsylvania.
- This is turning into an acid trip.
- Robert: My son is 15.
He doesn't give a shit
about "Toothslyvania."
- (Tony clears throat)
- That's not true.
Okay, so Frances makes up bogus
stories about spirits and familiars,
but who drives the kids
to soccer, basketball?
- Who volunteers at the school?
- Me, me, and me.
Hey, what's the strategy behind
making me look like a negligent mother?
I was... I was as surprised
by that as you were.
Usually, those questions are
slam dunks for the mother.
Well, Robert only does all those things
because he doesn't have a real job
while I'm working,
making money so we can afford
the doctors and the snake sticks.
My advice, Frances... it wouldn't hurt
for you to be, well, a
little more visibly involved,
especially now.
When custody issues get heated,
it's less about truth,
more about perception.
I call it the cloud of unknowing.
- Tony: Hey, Maxy boy.
- What?
You forgot your parachute.
(chuckles) The doctor
says it's good for my equilibrium.
- I had a small stroke recently.
- Yes, a mini-stroke.
Yes, we've discussed this repeatedly.
Well, it's much better.
A little extra ballast makes
for smoother sailing, no?
Sure.
Pull.
Pull, pull.
- Pull, pull.
- Ha!
I really just wanna cry.
(music playing)
So, I was thinking that each booth
could represent a different culture.
That way, we're looking at
a different snack or game
- or maybe a craft.
- Hi, hi!
I'm sorry I'm late.
Are you sure you have the right room?
Oh, is this the planning
meeting for the spring carnival?
- Group: Yes.
- Okay, good. Then I'm in... yeah, I'm in the right room.
Natalie: Oh, okay. (chuckles)
I'm sorry. I just
didn't recognize you.
Oh, I'm Tom and Lila's mom.
- Oh, Lila C.?
- Oh, no. Lila D.
DuFresne, DuFresne.
Yeah, I'm Robert's wife.
- Sort of.
- Group: Oh, Robert!
We love Robert.
- Hey, how is Robert?
- Oh, he's good, he's good.
And we're okay. We're okay.
You know, we're sort of mid-transition.
You know, sort of post-counseling,
pre... I don't know, whatever.
- (group chuckling)
- As I was saying,
um, each booth would
represent a different culture.
Like, the Japanese booth
would be a game they love
- and the prize would be an origami kit.
- All: Oh!
Like, a Russian one would be
a matryoshka doll or something.
That's a great idea.
And that's good, too, because
of the global, you know...
think locally, act globally.
- Yeah.
- And then global economy, so it's good to, like,
just touch base with other cultures.
Just get to know it. And
everyone loves ramen, right?
- Woman: Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. And it's affordable.
- That's good.
- Natalie: What else? What else?
Um, I was thinking, what about
our own little Renaissance faire?
- Natalie: Nice.
- Right?
(overlapping voices)
Should've had my V8.
Oh, my gosh! And then we can
have those big turkey legs.
- Oh, yeah!
- I love them!
- My kids love them!
- That's so good.
So good. And then we could
all fight over the dark meat.
- What?
- Huh?
You know, 'cause everybody's
like, "I want the dark meat.
I want the dark meat."
You know? (snickers)
- So, these are really great ideas.
- So great.
- All of these are wonderful.
- I know, they're so great, so great.
Oh, wait, wait. I have a
thought. I have a thought.
What about an underwater restaurant theme?
You know, like... oh!
We could collect all our old kitchen
sponges, so don't throw them away.
And, um, we could drape
crepe paper from the ceiling
for a hide-and-seek
kelp forest.
We did that last year.
You did a crepe paper
hide-and-seek kelp forest last year?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
- Same exact thing.
- Oh.
Um, we filmed it.
It has over 700 hits on YouTube.
- Man: Yeah.
- Oh.
And is that a number
that you're all proud of?
Okay, so where were we?
- (whistling)
- (chatter)
- Oh, so cute.
- I know.
- See you.
- Bye-bye.
Oh. Hey, Janice?
- Yes?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Frances.
Yes, you introduced
yourself in the meeting.
Yes. Oh, I don't get to spend
as much time here as I'd like
'cause I work full-time,
you know, in the city.
- Mm.
- So, I really do wanna get more involved,
which is why I'm so excited about
serving on this very inspiring committee.
And I... I loved your big turkey leg idea.
- That was...
- Thank you.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Yeah. And I just wanted to assure you
that whatever transpired, you
know, between you and Robert,
you needn't feel uncomfortable,
because I'm not uncomfortable about it.
I mean, that is so low on my list
of priorities of import right now.
And regardless, you know,
the committee comes first.
- Okay.
- Well, no, no, no, no.
No, no, the children come first.
Well, act... actually, the
committee's for the children,
so, oh, my God, the
committee comes first, yeah.
Over you sleeping with my husband.
So, um, anyway, just...
I'm glad we had a chance
to clear the air and, you know,
now we can move forward,
you know, ah, unencumbered.
Mm, sure.
Okay, so... so I gotta dash.
Okay.
Oh. Oh, jeez.
This... yeah. No, I'm turned around again.
Is parent parking... is it that...?
- It's that way.
- To the right?
My right?
Got it, got it. You know what it is?
I got the committee and it's distracting
me, 'cause I'm committee crazy.
Lila, sweetie, come on.
- Lila: I'm coming!
- Okay.
Why do we have to go to this party?
Because I'm allowed to bring a guest,
and you guys are the people
that I most enjoy spending time with,
and that's who you bring to a party.
What, like how Dallas
brings Cole everywhere?
Uh, no. That's a different thing.
That's not like this at all.
- (music playing)
- Nice.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Oh, you didn't tell me you
were gonna bring your kids.
Well, you know, you... you told
me I could bring somebody special,
and these two are my
most special somebodies.
Mm, well, I meant somebody you were
screwing or would like to screw.
- I know! Didn't they get tall?
- They did!
- Yeah!
- Listen, why don't you guys go down and talk to Nick Jr.?
He's talking to the caterers about the NSA.
- Oh.
- Man: There she is!
- Roger!
- Hey, Diane.
Yay! I'll see you in a
sec. I'll be right there.
(gasps)
- Oh, thank God!
- (chuckles)
Yeah, she's taped all
the seating cards down.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Oh, wow.
- So we don't move them.
- Sneaky.
- Oh, God.
Why are all of Nick's
friends so unattractive?
There's only one guy here
- who doesn't look like he cries when he comes.
- Ooh!
Yeah, you should use that as an
opener when you introduce yourself.
- Thank you.
- All right, I'm gonna go check on the kids.
- Uh...
- Make sure they're not drinking.
Uh, wait a minute. I didn't
know kids were invited.
- Should I call Cole?
- No.
- No?
- Mm-mm, no.
And, of course, once
you add in the dock fees
- and seasonal maintenance...
- Right.
...um, desalting and rope
replacement, what have you...
it does add up.
Yeah, no, I bet.
Listen, Brad, can you
excuse me for just a second?
- Sure.
- I'll be right back or not.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
- What is he doing here?
- Who?
- Your lawyer.
- Oh, he's with me.
You brought your lawyer?
Well, he's my lawyer, but
he's also become my bro.
- Do you want some fondue?
- No, thank you.
Oh, nobody's dancing.
- Are people having a good time?
- Yeah, of course they are.
I can't tell. Normally,
I'd be drunk by now.
Ooh, that's a conundrum.
Listen, when you're done
passing out the hors d'oeuvres,
- maybe you could go dance a little?
- Man: Okay.
Yeah, now all I need is, like, I don't
know, four or six hours a night, tops.
These workouts have completely
changed my metabolism.
Do you realize that in
less than five minutes,
you have managed to mention
your body fat percentage,
vacationing on Mark Cuban's ranch,
and your brand-new,
limited-edition Porsche?
Okay, fine. Tell me something about you.
- I think you're a pig.
- Still about me. Try again.
Right. You don't wanna
know anything about me.
Oh, yeah? I would love to know
what your panties smell like.
Oh, and, you know, what
your favorite movie is.
I'm not wearing panties,
and "The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio."
You need to feel how hard you just made me.
Wow.
(whistling)
Hey, there you are. I thought
I'd find you at the fondue trough.
Oh, hey, Nick. Did you wanna jump in here?
- No. No, no. No, thank you.
- Oh, right.
So, listen, regarding your FunSpace,
how did you get such a low
quote from the equipment vendors?
Wait, you read the prospectus?
Not all 75 pages,
but I made a good dent
in it, skimmed the rest.
So, vendors?
Most of that equipment rents seasonally,
which is to say in the warm weather.
And it's in storage the rest of the year,
so whenever I gave them a shot
of a year-round income on the equipment,
they jumped right on it.
- Smart.
- Thanks, Nick.
Did you read about the
membership fee structure annually?
I have not gotten that far yet,
but, uh, please, no spoilers.
- Okay.
- Hey, have some more fondue.
Grab a drink.
Robert: Yep, so mark my words...
Bounce-A-Rama's stranglehold on the
Hudson Valley is coming to an end.
We used to take the grandkids
to a place like that,
but that was 40 miles away in Chatham.
And besides, that was the place
where the woman who owned it was, you know?
Banging teenagers. Yeah, it's a tragedy.
Anyway, they also found
human feces in the ball pit,
so that's kind of a
legal body slam for her.
- Sorry.
- Hi there.
- Brad Zimmer.
- Uh, no. We are not doing this again.
- Excuse me?
- We've met.
At Nick's 50th, game
night at the Baxandalls',
the Hymans' wedding, the
Hymans' kid's bar mitzvah
where I gave you cash to tip the valet.
So, if you wanna know my name,
you ask somebody else, because
I'm not telling you, okay?
You're drinking my wine.
Oh, my... (chuckles)
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- What's he doing?
- (glass clinking)
Hello, everyone.
Diane and I would like
to welcome you all to...
Both: Our recommitment party.
- Did you know about this?
- No. I wouldn't have come.
- I didn't know either.
- Hey, we're not talking to you.
- Surprise!
- Oh, God!
Right in my eye. That was a surprise.
Uh...
I think you all know we've, uh...
we've had an eventful few months.
But thankfully, we've been given
the gift of a second chance.
Diane...
getting married is easy,
staying married is hard,
and staying happily married
is damn near impossible.
But you and me, we're both fighters.
We fight.
But we only win when
we're on the same side.
Diane, I promise to stay on your side.
- They're the enemy.
- (all laughing)
- You wrote it down, huh?
- I did.
Not quite as professional as you.
"Nick, I'm sorry I almost
scared you to death,
but I'm grateful that
it has brought us here.
And I'm sorry I drank too much that night,
but I'm also grateful I was drunk
- or I might not have missed."
- (chuckles)
- You would've missed anyway.
- (all chuckling)
"Most of all,
I promise not to take this
second chance for granted
because I love you."
- Guests: Aw.
- Woman: That's so sweet.
Guests: Aw!
- Wow.
- Nick: Well, you know what?
Let's make it official with a toast.
Let's consider the vows taken care of.
I love you, Mouse.
And I love you, Pigpen.
- Here's to Mouse and Pigpen.
- Guests: To Mouse and Pigpen.
- To Diane.
- To Dad and Diane.
And to the ferocious "second
chance at life" lovemaking
that they're gonna do tonight.
- Nick: Jesus Christ.
- Classy.
Wait, I need some sparkling apple juice.
Don't toast yet. Wait for me.
It's bad luck to toast
with water. Excuse me?
- Yes, ma'am?
- Can I get some sparkling apple juice, please?
- Quickly. Thank you.
- Honey, it's okay. Just toast with water.
No, I need sparkling apple juice.
No, I can't toast to our future with water.
Actually, you can. This
is not the old country.
- You can just... you can just toast with water.
- No.
- It's fine.
- No, no, no.
Honey, we're all half-cocked here.
Excuse me? There's a bottle
of Martinelli's in the pantry.
- Can you just bring that really quick?
- Jesus Christ, Diane!
We're all sitting here
with our dicks in our hands!
Just pick up the glass and
let's toast. Get on with it.
- Come on, now.
- (sighs)
Here we go.
- To Nick and Diane.
- Guests: Nick and Diane.
- Nick and Diane.
- Nick and Diane.
Guests: Cheers!
Ooh, that's good booze.
- You are so hot.
- I can't get my coat on.
You ever been in a Porsche? Huh? A Porsche?
Are you kidding? (sighs)
Hola. Buenos nachos, pendejo.
- (chuckles)
- God, you condescending fuck.
- Shut up, you dirty puta.
- Ah, wait!
- (giggling)
- Watch your step. Ah, here we go!
(Dallas laughs) No, no, no, no!
♪ Now, I lay me down to sleep ♪
♪ Ooh, I just
can't find a beat ♪
♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Oh, I will never dance... ♪
- (distant dog barking)
- ♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Flash light ♪
♪ Pararadi rarararararara ♪
♪ Oh, it's no use ♪
- ♪ Flash light... ♪
- Come on!
- Come on!
- ♪ Red light ♪
♪ Neon light ♪
♪ Ooh, stoplight ♪
♪ Now I lay me
down to sleep... ♪
(laughs)
♪ I guess I'll go
count the sheep ♪
♪ Oh, but I will
never dance... ♪
Cheers, somebody.
- (Dallas panting)
- Tony: A little slower. No, long strokes.
- Okay. Like this?
- Yeah, yeah, just like that.
Dallas: If you could just
move... yeah, a little higher.
Yeah, right there.
Right on.
All right. I'm almost there.
- Ow! Fuck! Holy shit!
- What?
God, you almost sliced my
balls off with your nails.
- Holy fuck.
- Fine.
You do you and I'll do me.
Okay? All right.
- (ring clinks)
- What? (chuckles)
Tums?
Huh? No. Maybe a breath mint.
- (chuckles)
- Oh. Shit.
Oh, shit, what? What happened?
- Did you drop one of those down there?
- Yeah, yeah.
You know what? I'll look for it.
Okay, please, like, really
take a look for it, okay?
Mm-hmm.
- I can't find it.
- Just look on your right now, okay?
(scoffs) Okay, I can't find it.
Are you fucking... are you fucking serious?
- It's just a Tums.
- Look, you know what? Just take the wheel.
- No, don't!
- (tires screech)
Tony: Unbelievable!
Will you drive?
- Drive it.
- Son of a fucking bitch!
- Now I gotta take the car in...
- God!
...and have to have my guy
take out the goddamn seat.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not fucking kidding. What am I supposed to do?
I can't have a Tums under the seat
decomposing in a brand-new Porsche.
(engine revs)
(music blaring)
- Unbelievable.
- You're dropping me off?
You're not coming back inside?
I told you, I need to have my
guy take out the fucking seats.
(sighs)
- Unbelievable.
- You're an asshole.
And you're a twat. Hey!
- Get my number from Robert.
- (engine starts)
(tires screech)
(sighs)
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Um, you want me to drive the kids home
so you can stay later with your friends?
Oh. Sure.
So you can have more time with the kids
and then you can have your lawyer
accuse me of staying late at parties
where alcohol is served?
(sighs) Yeah, I'm sorry.
I... I didn't know that's
how Tony did his job.
Really? It's his job to make
me look like an absentee mother
because I have to work at a real job?
I mean, one of us has to, Robert,
and, unfortunately, it's me.
I mean, I... seriously, I didn't
know he was gonna go that far
with the stuff about the kids.
Well, then you should've said something!
You know what kind of mother I am.
My God, I would never
let my lawyer accuse you
of not being a committed parent.
You know why I can't
make those appointments
and you know what I do for this family.
All right, all right, all right.
Look, I'll talk to Tony
and I'll just get him
to pull back on what he does.
Thank you.
I mean, just because this isn't pleasant
doesn't mean it can't be civil.
Yes.
Conversely, um, you'll have your lawyer,
you know, kind of cool it with the
mind games designed to psych us out.
- It's not fooling anybody.
- Oh.
Well, I was not aware
that he was doing that.
I saw him outside of Tony's
office trying to board a FedEx van
like it was a crosstown bus.
- Tony's onto him.
- Right.
Yeah, no, I'll... I will
definitely speak to him about that.
Okay. Thank you.
Well, I'm gonna get going.
I gotta get up early for church, so,
um, have a good night.
- Okay.
- Bye, kids.
- Your old man loves you.
- Lila: Night, Dad!
Tom: Later!
- (slurping)
- Good night, Diane.
- Good night.
- Okay, Lila and Tom, let's go.
- Tom: Yep.
- Lila, grab your coat, sweetie.
Lila: Okay! Be right there!
(laughing, chatter)
Look at him. What's he doing?
Stop having parties.
No, absolutely, but I just feel
like the landscape has shifted,
you know, a little since we started this.
You know who had a series of mini-strokes
and still performed
the duties of his office
at full capacity for years afterward?
Uh, nope. Nope. I don't know, no.
- Woodrow Wilson, that's who.
- Ah, yes.
Of course. Woodrow
Wilson, yes. God bless him.
Look, I know you've got a lot on your plate
with your, you know...
with your sit... situation.
And I... maybe it's time for,
you know... to change it up.
Who are you?
I'm... oh, my God. I'm Frances, Max.
- I'm... I'm Frances DuFresne.
- No, c-come on.
I mean "Who are you?"
as in where is the Frances who wanted
to settle this quickly and politely?
- Not a big, ugly battle.
- Yeah. No, I know.
I still want that, but
obviously Robert doesn't.
You know what?
You're right.
Some partnerships, just
like some marriages,
just... just aren't meant to be.
And I was considering stepping
away from your case anyway.
Pardon?
Well, to be frank, I find
you somewhat challenging.
You find me challenging?
And I have no enthusiasm
for getting into a crap-slinging
competition with Tommy Silverlake.
No, you, uh...
you need someone...
you need someone who enjoys
doing that type of thing.
Elaine Campbell.
So what if he buys the toilet paper
and takes the kids for their haircuts?
- Who tells them when it's time for a haircut?
- Me.
- Who chooses the doctor?
- Me.
Arranges the playdates, notices
when they need new shoes?
- Me and me.
- Of course it's you.
Silvercreek was just trying to rattle you.
- Well, it worked.
- Misogynist turd.
You were right to come to me.
Max can't handle him, especially right now.
Oh, so you haven't even filed yet?
Well, Max thought that we
should let Robert do it.
You know, because I was the instigator,
he thought it would be better for his ego.
You know, promote goodwill.
Bullshit.
I had a lawyer try that once
in a case involving a very
well-known piano man from Long Island.
Oh, you mean...
Whose name I can't tell you,
so let's just leave it there.
- All righty.
- Frances.
Do you want a divorce?
- Yes.
- So, let's file.
It is no longer your job
to make Robert feel good.
(sighs) Okay.
- I am more expensive than Max...
- Oy.
...but I can guarantee I'll
get you more than he ever could.
- Yes, that was my next question.
- Asked and answered.
- Google me. You'll see.
- Okay.
Doug will collect your
retainer on the way out.
Oh, so... so, we're done?
- For now. For now, dear.
- Okay.
So, I... I give Doug my
money and then he calls me.
- Doug will give you a call, all right?
- Okay.
He's... you'll find him right out there.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- Frances: Good, Lila!
- Robert: Go, go!
Lila, look at Sophie.
Look at Sophie. Sophie's open.
Go, Sophie. Yeah! Go, Sophie. Go!
- Girl: Take the shot!
- Crowd: Aw!
- Robert: Get back on D!
- Nice work, Lila!
Get back. Get back on D.
Find your man. Check those corners.
- Off the court.
- I got it. Check those corners.
- That little 4 is dangerous.
- Yeah.
- Robert: Block that out, block that out.
- Man: Yeah!
- Time-out. Time-out.
- (whistle blows)
- Bring it in.
- Time-out, Raiders!
- Bring it in, bring it in.
- Lila kind of sucks.
- No, she doesn't.
- I mean, a little bit.
She doesn't even suck a little bit.
She's enjoying the game.
That's all that matters.
Listen, you guys are
losing your focus on D.
That's why they just
scored six points in a row.
Now we're down by two.
Remember, we are playing to get better,
but we are also playing to win.
Last week, we lost by two.
How about this week, we win by two?
Does that sound like a fun
plan? Sounds like fun to me.
- Let's make our destiny tonight right now.
- (buzzer blares)
Lady Raiders on three. One, two, three!
- Girls: Lady Raiders!
- Let's go, let's go. We're back in.
(whistle blows)
Lady Raiders!
Lila! Look, get open down low.
Go.
Nice! Look at Sophie down the line.
Look at Sophie. Nice!
- Yes! Yes!
- Whoo!
Yes! Get back on D.
- Tom: Go, Lila!
- Get back on D. Find your man.
- Robert Carroll DuFresne?
- What?
- It's from Elaine Campbell and Associates.
- Who?
- You've been served.
- Wait, Mom. Who's that guy?
- Who's that guy with Dad?
- Man, I'm in the middle of a game.
As stated, you've been served divorce
papers by the State of New York.
- Robert: Time-out. What is this?
- Shit.
- Swear jar. Remind me. Sorry.
- (whistle blows)
- Who are you?
- Ref: Time-out! Last one, Tigers.
- What did... I'm not taking this!
- Ref: Hey, whoa.
- Son of a bitch! Take that with you.
- (whistle blows)
That's a technical, Coach.
- Oh!
- Oh, God.
Not a... not a great place for a bag.
Robert. Robert.
I didn't know she was gonna do that.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know she was
gonna do that in public.
(sighs)
We're back in.
Ref: Coach, give me a shooter!
Two shots for the technical!
- (chatter)
- (whistle blows)
- Man: Tough game. Let's go.
- Woman: Yeah, take your time.
- (basketball net whooshes)
- (applause)
(ball bouncing)
- (basketball net whooshes)
- (applause)
- (music playing)
- Woman #2: Nice!