Divorce (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Suburban couple Francis and Robert consider the state of their marriage after a drama-filled party.
( birds chirping )
( footsteps approaching )
- Hi.
- Hi.
Quick question--
did you hear me knocking
20 minutes ago?
Yeah, but I was
doing my thing.
Oh, okay.
Well, Lila
was downstairs
doing her thing
in the bathroom.
Right.
So...
I was forced
to take a shit
in this coffee can
in the garage.
- Just wanted you to know.
- Okay.
While I may or may not
have taken a shit in
this coffee can,
the point is well-made.
Equal time
in the bathroom.
- All right.
- Please.
Yep.
¶ Para-- para--
paradise ¶
- ¶ Para--
para-- paradise... ¶
- ( humming along )
¶ Para-- para--
paradise ¶
( vocalizing )
¶ She dreamed of para--
para-- paradise ¶
- ¶ Para-- ¶
- ( radio turns off )
( humming stops )
- Happy birthday!
- You're late, but you
haven't missed shit.
- ( music playing )
- Hey, turn the music up,
for Christ's sake!
Turn it up!
- ( squealing )
- Birthday girl.
- Mm! So gorgeous!
- Oh!
- Robert!
- Diane.
- Mm-wah, mm-wah, mm-wah!
- Happy birthday.
Nick! Excuse me.
He's invited a bunch of cocks
I don't even know.
I wanna
fucking kill myself.
Turn the music up.
Come on!
- Frances.
- Hello.
I'd offer you
some wine,
but I think Diane's
already sucked
most of it up.
- ( snickers )
- Nick: Come on,
I'll get you a real drink.
Yes, that's very funny.
- ( music playing )
- Robert: Let me tell you
something.
- Mm-hmm.
- Vision, we're good.
- The vision,
20-20 right here.
- Mm.
The problem
is the financing.
Hey, Dallas,
I saw your ex's new lady
at the CVS yesterday.
Good news for you
is she has really
packed on the pounds.
Boy, he was mis-sold
those goods.
- She's five months pregnant.
- I forgot.
Speaking of new loves,
uh, who was the gentleman
bending your ear over there?
Oh, that human
loaf of bread?
Oh, that's Malcolm.
He's a hedge fund friend
of Nick's.
He lost his wife last year.
Poor guy.
Oh, gee,
I didn't know.
He only told me
50 fucking times.
So when does
the whole empathy thing
kick in for you?
I did take the liberty
of seating him next to you
tonight at dinner,
so who knows
how this evening will end?
I think it just did.
Fuck it.
To Malcolm
and his dead wife.
I think her name
was Alice.
We don't have
the financing,
but-- oh.
- But, um... ( groans )
- ( skin sizzles )
God, oh. Mm.
Mm. That, um--
that smarts when you
put your fingers
in the fondue.
( guffawing )
Diane:
Oh, my God,
that's so funny!
Where's Beatrice?
She's usually
pressing her wet ass
against my shin by now.
She died last week.
- Really?
- Mm.
Oh. How old was she?
- 24.
- Well, I mean,
that's--
that's too old
for a dog.
Aren't you gonna ask me
what she died of?
Please don't tell me
she backed up
her weeping butthole
into an outlet.
No, she was
seriously depressed.
That's why she died.
She couldn't handle
the atmosphere
in the house,
so she choked herself
to death with her leash.
- No.
- She did.
She left
a little note...
- Sorry.
- ...saying how much
she didn't like...
Nick.
Did you see
how much weight
he's put on?
No, I hadn't really.
Diane:
He did it on purpose.
It was 100%
just to revolt me.
Go on, keep spooning it in,
you fat fuck.
Look at him.
Who am I
looking at now?
Robert.
We have a big
empty building, so...
God, he's such a--
blech--
wet pussy.
( glass clinking )
A little toast,
I think,
could be in order.
Diane hates it
when I make a speech
or talk,
so I thought
I would just quickly say
happy birthday,
sweetheart.
- All: Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Diane.
Aw.
She doesn't like 50,
do you, sweetheart?
But, you know,
I think we can all agree
that Diane has never
looked her age...
till this year, sadly,
when it all just kind of
came crashing down on her.
( laughs )
It's a joke.
I'm joking.
You know I'm joking.
She looks amazing.
You look amazing,
sweetheart.
One of
the many benefits
- of not bearing
any children...
- ( woman gasps )
which is, of course,
your biological function.
Now, there's
one more thing,
one little, uh,
birthday surprise
for you.
Ilona! God, she is
so hard to shop for.
Ilona!
Oh, I hope I got
the right thing.
Ilona! Come on.
Put your back into it.
That's Hannah.
Look at that
little sweetie.
I'm sorry, Mr. Nick.
Ay, she's shy.
Come on.
Cheers, everybody!
Happy birthday, darling.
- All: Cheers!
- Bastard.
- ( muffled music playing )
- ( people laughing )
( laughing )
She's very,
um, youthful...
( chuckles )
...and inspiring.
She inspires me.
Do you know how obscene
you look right now?
Diane,
I'm talking to you.
Do you know how fucking
ridiculous you look?
God damn it.
Do you know what
makes it obscene?
The fact that you don't know
how to dance at your age.
Well, stop acting like
such a goddamn child.
You just wanna punish me.
All you ever do is criticize me.
- I just want you to--
- I'm so fucking sick of it!
Nick:
You're fucking 50 years old,
for God's sake.
- Diane: Good!
- You're making
a fucking spectacle...
Nick:
Will you fucking settle down?
Hey, where are you going?
Don't make a scene
like that
and then run out
of the goddamn room!
I was exercising
my biological function!
- Stop following me!
- I'm trying to have
a discussion with you,
for God's sake!
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck
are you doing?
What, are you gonna
write a letter?
What the hell are you doing?
What are you looking for?
Get away from me!
- Get out of here!
- I'm not going anywhere!
Then I'll go!
Fine!
- Just settle down.
- Fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you!
- Fucking fuck out!
- What the hell?
Oh, hey, now,
you put that away.
Put that away.
Put it away before
somebody gets hurt!
- Diane.
- Oh, is that
what you want, huh?
Would you want me hurt?
Isn't that what you want?
- No, you should just--
- You fucking asshole!
You wanna smoke me
out of here!
- Don't point that thing!
- Diane, Diane! Is that a gun?!
- Are you
pointing an actual-- ah!
- Nick, is everything cool?
- Oh, shit!
- ( gunshot )
- Holy shit!
- ( groaning ) Oh, God.
Oh, shit!
- ( groaning )
- I'm hit! My God!
- I'm sorry, Robert.
I'm so sorry, Robert!
- I know I've been hit.
- That was an accident!
- I've been shot by a gun.
- No one shot you, Robert.
- Diane: I'm so sorry!
- Robert: Really?
- Diane: Frances, I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God. Nick.
- Robert: Nick!
- Dallas: Nick! Nick,
are you all right?
- ( groaning )
What is happening?
What's happening?
I don't know.
Call a fucking ambulance.
- I think he's having
a heart attack.
- I'll call an ambulance.
- Dallas: Nick.
- Robert: Nick.
Maybe you should
just let him sleep this off.
- Who are you?
- We met at dinner.
Frances:
Hello. Hi, there's been
an accident.
- Oh, God, I don't--
- Dallas: Nick, can you
hear me?
What's the add--
does anyone know
the address here?
Dallas:
Just try to relax.
- ( siren wailing )
- ( police radio chatter )
Diane:
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
It's gonna be okay.
Don't worry.
So nice of you
to come to the party.
I just have to
go down to the station
for a quick little Q and A,
but I'll be back,
so make yourselves at home.
Don't bust up the party
'cause of me.
Well, there's plenty
of food for everybody
if you want food.
You're so skinny.
Get a little piece
of cheesecake.
- All right.
- Frances!
Open champagne.
But don't be too loud
'cause our neighbors--
so strict.
They'll call
the police,
so don't...
I'll be back.
I just gotta go
to the station for a second.
You shitting me?
Stop it.
- I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
- ( door closes )
( sighs )
She nearly killed me.
I mean, if I was
two or three inches
to the right,
it would've gone
right through my face.
( siren wailing )
Phew, that was
a close call.
Honey?
How do you go
from eight years
of a happy marriage
to wanting to blow
someone's head off?
What if the same thing
happens to us?
Wh-- I would never try
and blow your head off.
Are you sure?
Are you really sure
you would never try
and blow my head off?
Yes, I am sure.
Wait, hang on.
Are-- are you not sure?
When you threw my laptop
out the window...
- Wait, that--
- ...I specifically
remember thinking
that I wanted
to hit you in the face
with the, um, ceramic--
you know, the Chinese
ceramic cat thing
with the little wavy arm?
I wanted to smash the cat
and scalp you with
one of the shards.
What the fuck?
Are you drunk?
That's funny.
You spent last Christmas
fishing in Alaska.
No, no,
hang on a second.
That's the only time
of the year
that the Chinook salmon
run in those numbers.
- And you said
you didn't mind.
- I didn't mind.
It was the best Christmas
I have had in years.
You're welcome.
Sometimes I come home
from work
and I'm happy.
I actually feel happy.
And then I see
your car there parked
and I realize
you're home
and my heart...
sinks.
Is this about
my old job?
Is that what
this is about?
I want to save my life
while I still care about it.
I don't love you
anymore.
I want a divorce.
Oh, God, Robert.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, Robert.
- Sorry.
- You shouldn't have
eaten so much cheese.
- Oh.
- Listen, Robert,
are you hearing
what I'm saying?
Are you hearing me?
- Cheese. I heard you.
- Officer: Sir, can I get
your full name
- and contact information?
- Wait-- I'm sorry.
Can you just wait
one second, please?
Can you just hang on?
Robert, listen to me.
Listen, we don't have
to make this horrible,
all right?
- I don't want it
to be horrible-- oh, God!
- ( retches )
Oh, right on his boots.
I'm sorry.
He had
a lot of fondue.
- Oh, and some cake.
- Here.
Oh, God!
Jesus!
You scared me.
( sighs )
Where'd you go
last night?
- I was worried.
- I went to a strip club.
Oh.
Where there were
strippers
who were stripping
and they became nude.
- I wanted to hurt you.
- Yeah, well,
we might be
a bit beyond that.
Honey, this is crazy.
I'm not sure you meant
what you said last night
about not loving me
anymore.
I'm sorry.
I-- I did.
- I did mean it.
- I don't think you did,
Frances.
No, I did, Robert.
What are you doing?
I wanna give you
an orgasm.
I don't want you to give me
an orgasm, Robert.
I'd like to lick
your vagina
and then tongue dart
your anus.
I don't want that.
I think it would be good
for both of us
- if I gave you an orgasm.
- I don't want that.
I'm gonna lick your vagina
the way you like it.
The door is wide open,
Robert. Stop.
- This is gonna be fun
and pleasurable.
- Stop pulling on me!
Stop!
So that's it, then, huh?
The passion's dead?
You won't even
try counseling?
We've been to counseling.
Stop kicking chairs.
There's just no chance for us
whatsoever in your mind?
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to make
the kids breakfast
and then I'm taking them
to school.
Oh, you're just gonna pretend
that everything's normal?
I am not pretending
everything's normal, okay?
I am divorcing you!
That is not normal.
( sighs )
I just gotta get the kids
to school first.
( door closes )
Frances:
Lila, let me
smell quickly.
Lila, come here
and let me smell.
( sniffs )
No. No, they are not.
- They are!
- Well, they are not
brushed properly,
so, great, well done,
all right?
- Your breath stinks.
- Why are you being
such a bitch?
- What? Don't you dare--
- ( horn honks )
All right, you know what?
Everything is canceled for you
this week and next.
Everything!
- Tom, can you please
pick up your bag and stop--
- Yeah, I know, bag.
Whatever.
Who cares?
I care because I keep
buying you backpacks.
- ( sighs )
- ( doors close )
Wait, hey.
Hey. Hey, sorry.
All right?
Nothing is canceled.
I'm sorry.
I love you,
all right?
Just brush your teeth.
Shit.
Frances:
Hey, Antonia, can you tell
Marchelle and Andrew
that I'm gonna be late?
It's a personal issue.
- ( train horn blares )
- Sorry?
No, because
it's personal.
Also, it took nine rings
for someone to answer
the phone,
so can you do something
about that, please?
Thank you.
- ( horn blares )
- Dallas: Have you
talked to the kids?
Oh, God,
I'm dreading it.
But I think in the long run
it's the right choice
for them, too.
They'll be happier.
Mm, no, they won't.
They'll just add that
to their bank of reasons
to hate you.
My son
holds me responsible
for one husband dying
and the other one leaving.
I am anathema to him.
- ( horn blares )
- Also, do you enjoy
being on your own?
Because if you think
that you're gonna find
something better out there,
believe me when I tell you
you will be disappointed.
Well, I won't be
on my own anyway.
Announcer:
Next stop on this train--
Grand Central Station.
- Next to last stop.
- What?
What?
He is the only thing
that has kept me sane
this last year.
And I love him.
- Ugh.
- I think.
No, you don't.
You love his dick
and all the pretty dark hair
that surrounds it.
- Stop.
- And he makes you come.
Anyone that
makes you come
when you haven't even
wanted to come in years
you're gonna think
that you're in love with.
Anyway, he doesn't
just make me come.
He makes me come a lot.
He's sweet,
he's fun,
and he's creative.
He makes
his own granola.
- ( door closes )
- Hey.
Frances: Hi.
How's it going?
I just got your messages.
I put my earplugs in
last night.
I must've forgotten.
Oh, okay.
Granola?
No, thanks.
( sighs )
( moans )
( both panting )
I love you, Julian,
I think.
( moans )
- ( distant siren wailing )
- Want a pizza?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
I'm gonna order you
the most delicious pizza
you've ever had.
Uh, yeah, can I have
an 18-inch thin crust...
- Hawaiian?
- Sure.
Hawaiian, please.
And that's
for Julian Renaut.
Yeah.
You got my address,
yes? Okay.
- It's gonna be 30 minutes.
- I told Robert I wanted
a divorce.
What's that?
I told Robert
I wanted a divorce.
I mean, last night
was just such a wake-up call.
It was so extreme.
Mm.
Mm.
Is it okay if I stay here
for a couple of nights?
Tell the kids
I'm away on business.
- Uh...
- I can't fight
with him again.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
- But, um...
- ( horn honks )
I mean, well, it is
a bit of a shock.
We-- we talked
about it.
Yeah, we--
we talked about it.
I thought-- I, you know,
I thought that was
role-playing.
Uh, you know,
sexy talk.
I mean, you had kids.
I'll still have kids.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know you--
yeah.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
- Why did you
mention the kids?
- What?
You have no idea
what it's like
to share your life
with someone
who you have
literally...
nothing to say to
beyond,
you know, like,
"Oh, the alarm is making
that beeping sound again"
or whatever.
And, listen, I could do
banal shit all day long
if there was
a little love there
or-- or happiness,
but there--
there isn't.
And, I mean, we can't even
watch TV together
because he repeats
the jokes
right after
they say them
instead of laughing.
Well, you should
divorce him, then.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
What's the matter?
You see some guy
having a heart attack
and then the next day
you wanna divorce
your husband
and come
and move in with me.
No, I'm--
I'm not expecting
anything from you.
- Really?
- What the fuck?
Yes, really.
You're acting like
a massive asshole
right now.
Well, maybe I'm upset.
You know, what we had
was something very--
something
very private.
( scoffs )
- It's private?
- I didn't mean private.
I meant more like,
uh, secret.
Like our
dirty little secret.
And now it's just
some bourgeois affair.
I can't--
I can't even think
about eating pizza right now.
¶ I started a joke ¶
¶ Which started
the whole world crying... ¶
What am I...?
¶ But I didn't see... ¶
What am I doing?
¶ How the joke was on me ¶
¶ Oh, no... ¶
Hey, gang!
Mommy's home!
Okay, I know it's not
our traditional-- hey--
- Hey.
- traditional
Greek food night,
but who says you can't
have Greek food night
whenever you want,
right?
You just have to save some
for me and Dad.
Where is Dad?
- I don't know.
- I'm not sure.
Okay.
( music playing
on radio )
Robert?
Hey.
Hey.
I wanna talk to you.
What's there
to talk about?
You were pretty clear
this morning about
what you wanted.
When I came home,
I half expected to find
my clothes and shit
thrown out in the yard.
- You know me, right?
- I thought I did.
I sure as shit didn't see
any of this coming.
No, me--
me neither.
That's what I'm trying
to figure out.
I mean, I-- why would
I say those things?
Am I losing my mind?
You think
you're the only one
that wonders
if this is working?
- Because you're not.
- No, I know that.
- I know that.
- I mean, this crisis
at Nick and Diane's?
That's supposed to bring us
closer together, Frances.
( stammering )
I wish I could explain it.
I-- it--
it was like
time stood still
and I was outside my body
and I am watching myself,
I am hearing myself
say these things to you,
things, I guess,
I felt at the moment,
but obviously, that--
that is not who I am.
That is not
what I want.
I don't know.
Maybe you were
in shock.
I guess I am.
And, you know, they say
that when you're in shock,
you don't know you're in shock
till you're not
in shock anymore.
But when did it start
to go off the tracks
in your mind?
I don't know, I--
well, perhaps when
you grew the mustache?
You said you liked
the mustache.
Yeah, no,
I'll get there
eventually.
Well, I'm glad we're...
attempting
to clear the air.
Fuck.
In an odd way,
that gun going off
could be the greatest thing
that has happened to us
in a really long time.
Says the person
who wasn't almost
shot in the face.
No, no, no,
I'm serious.
Maybe this
is what it takes
for us to change
the way we are
with each other.
You know?
And now we can
go back to,
you know...
just liking
each other again.
You make it tough.
¶ And we're in this love
together ¶
¶ We got the kind
that'll last forever... ¶
( phone chiming )
Hey, you left it
in the office.
- Oh.
- Who is it?
Oh, it's just a work thing.
Can you check
the alarm downstairs?
- It's making
that chirping sound.
- Oh, sure.
Thanks.
Hey.
Sorry I touched you.
Mom.
Bye.
¶ I'm back
in baby's arms ¶
¶ How I missed
those lovin' arms ¶
¶ I'm back
where I belong ¶
¶ Back in baby's arms ¶
¶ Don't know
why we quarreled ¶
¶ We never did before ¶
¶ Since we found out
how it hurts ¶
¶ I bet we'd never
quarrel anymore. ¶
Well, they said he was
in serious condition,
but now he's been upgraded
to critical condition, so...
- Well...
- Oh, you mean...?
Well, it's definitely moving
in the right direction.
I don't wanna think
about life without him,
but if he wakes up,
he's gonna be so mad at me!
When he wakes up.
- Really?
- Yes.
They said it was
a severe heart attack
brought on by
a combination of factors,
including that thing
that I did with the gun,
which I totally
didn't mean to do.
- Of course you didn't.
- ( dog whimpering )
And he wasn't
in great shape physically.
You know,
he got fat.
I mean, obviously,
trying to shoot him
didn't help,
- but, you know, neither did
all those steak frites.
- ( whimpering continues )
Yeah, lots of factors.
Also, he was
under a lot of stress
with whatever he does
at work.
And you weren't
particularly kind
to him lately,
so that might've
contributed.
( stammering )
Wait, what?
Well, we can't
beat ourselves up
about this.
I mean, these are all
just pieces of the puzzle.
- We're just lucky
it happened at home.
- Right.
- Right.
- ( dog whimpering )
Well, it's been
a couple of crazy days.
I mean, I was ready
to divorce Robert.
- Thank God I--
- Hannah! Stop it, Hannah!
Stop it!
I mean it!
Ugh, that dog
is driving me crazy.
He really does love
his french fries, huh?
( chuckles )
Yes, I can testify to that.
Would you?
- Well, I was joking, but...
- Thank you.
Oh, you're--
you're welcome.
- Can I just
ask you a favor?
- Of course.
- Please, Hannah.
- ( growling )
Let's go.
Come on.
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.
Oh, God, you smell
like a yeast infection.
( Hannah barking )
- ( sighs )
- Robert: Hello?
Hey, where are you?
I can't get in.
There's--
the keys-- ugh.
I don't know.
There's something up
with the lock.
I'm here.
I'm in the house.
Oh, Oh, hi.
Can you let me in?
No.
( scoffs )
What?
I called
your friend J.
Julian?
And it became apparent
within about 30 seconds
that, uh,
the two of you
have been fucking
for quite a while.
Just out of curiosity,
did you have sex with him
and me yesterday?
Because officially,
that would mean you
were gangbanged.
- I don't--
- I want you out
of our lives, Frances.
And I want you
out of my house.
If I'm perfectly honest,
you disgust me now.
- Robert--
- No! I don't trust you.
You're the villain here,
not me.
You're the evildoer,
the flimflammer,
the double-crosser,
the bunco artist.
You know who you are?
You're Jesse James
and I get to be
Sandra Bullock.
And I get to rise
from the ashes
of humiliation
and win a fucking
Academy Award.
Look, Robert,
can you just let me in
so we can talk about this?
You know that divorce
that you wanted?
I want one, too.
But that sneaky,
easy, friendly way
that you were hoping for?
You can forget it
'cause I'm gonna
make you miserable.
And more to the point,
I'm gonna make
your children hate you.
( Hannah barking )
Robert.
( knocking )
Robert, can you please
just let me in?
- Robert. Robert!
- ¶ I'm feeling
so alone now... ¶
- Robert!
- ¶ They cut
the telephone, uh-huh ¶
¶ Yeah, my life
is just a mess ¶
¶ I threw it all
away now ¶
¶ I could have made
a fortune ¶
¶ I lost the craving
for success ¶
¶ And as the acrobats,
they tumble ¶
¶ So the corn
begins to crumble ¶
¶ But in the mirror
she admires ¶
¶ A brand-new dress ¶
¶ Live on
the second floor now ¶
¶ They're trying
to bust the door down ¶
¶ Soon I'll have
a new address ¶
¶ So much for liberation ¶
¶ They'll have
a celebration ¶
¶ Yeah, I've been
under too much stress ¶
¶ And as the clouds
begin to rumble ¶
¶ So the juggler
makes his fumble ¶
¶ And the sun
upon my wall ¶
¶ Is getting less ¶
¶ Don't give a damn ¶
¶ Fight while you can ¶
¶ Kill, shoot 'em up ¶
¶ They'll,
they'll run amuck ¶
¶ Shout, Judas ¶
¶ Loud and they'll
hear us ¶
¶ Soldier, sailor ¶
¶ Who's your tailor? ¶
¶ They'll run for cover
when they discover ¶
¶ Everyone's
a nervous wreck now... ¶
( footsteps approaching )
- Hi.
- Hi.
Quick question--
did you hear me knocking
20 minutes ago?
Yeah, but I was
doing my thing.
Oh, okay.
Well, Lila
was downstairs
doing her thing
in the bathroom.
Right.
So...
I was forced
to take a shit
in this coffee can
in the garage.
- Just wanted you to know.
- Okay.
While I may or may not
have taken a shit in
this coffee can,
the point is well-made.
Equal time
in the bathroom.
- All right.
- Please.
Yep.
¶ Para-- para--
paradise ¶
- ¶ Para--
para-- paradise... ¶
- ( humming along )
¶ Para-- para--
paradise ¶
( vocalizing )
¶ She dreamed of para--
para-- paradise ¶
- ¶ Para-- ¶
- ( radio turns off )
( humming stops )
- Happy birthday!
- You're late, but you
haven't missed shit.
- ( music playing )
- Hey, turn the music up,
for Christ's sake!
Turn it up!
- ( squealing )
- Birthday girl.
- Mm! So gorgeous!
- Oh!
- Robert!
- Diane.
- Mm-wah, mm-wah, mm-wah!
- Happy birthday.
Nick! Excuse me.
He's invited a bunch of cocks
I don't even know.
I wanna
fucking kill myself.
Turn the music up.
Come on!
- Frances.
- Hello.
I'd offer you
some wine,
but I think Diane's
already sucked
most of it up.
- ( snickers )
- Nick: Come on,
I'll get you a real drink.
Yes, that's very funny.
- ( music playing )
- Robert: Let me tell you
something.
- Mm-hmm.
- Vision, we're good.
- The vision,
20-20 right here.
- Mm.
The problem
is the financing.
Hey, Dallas,
I saw your ex's new lady
at the CVS yesterday.
Good news for you
is she has really
packed on the pounds.
Boy, he was mis-sold
those goods.
- She's five months pregnant.
- I forgot.
Speaking of new loves,
uh, who was the gentleman
bending your ear over there?
Oh, that human
loaf of bread?
Oh, that's Malcolm.
He's a hedge fund friend
of Nick's.
He lost his wife last year.
Poor guy.
Oh, gee,
I didn't know.
He only told me
50 fucking times.
So when does
the whole empathy thing
kick in for you?
I did take the liberty
of seating him next to you
tonight at dinner,
so who knows
how this evening will end?
I think it just did.
Fuck it.
To Malcolm
and his dead wife.
I think her name
was Alice.
We don't have
the financing,
but-- oh.
- But, um... ( groans )
- ( skin sizzles )
God, oh. Mm.
Mm. That, um--
that smarts when you
put your fingers
in the fondue.
( guffawing )
Diane:
Oh, my God,
that's so funny!
Where's Beatrice?
She's usually
pressing her wet ass
against my shin by now.
She died last week.
- Really?
- Mm.
Oh. How old was she?
- 24.
- Well, I mean,
that's--
that's too old
for a dog.
Aren't you gonna ask me
what she died of?
Please don't tell me
she backed up
her weeping butthole
into an outlet.
No, she was
seriously depressed.
That's why she died.
She couldn't handle
the atmosphere
in the house,
so she choked herself
to death with her leash.
- No.
- She did.
She left
a little note...
- Sorry.
- ...saying how much
she didn't like...
Nick.
Did you see
how much weight
he's put on?
No, I hadn't really.
Diane:
He did it on purpose.
It was 100%
just to revolt me.
Go on, keep spooning it in,
you fat fuck.
Look at him.
Who am I
looking at now?
Robert.
We have a big
empty building, so...
God, he's such a--
blech--
wet pussy.
( glass clinking )
A little toast,
I think,
could be in order.
Diane hates it
when I make a speech
or talk,
so I thought
I would just quickly say
happy birthday,
sweetheart.
- All: Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Diane.
Aw.
She doesn't like 50,
do you, sweetheart?
But, you know,
I think we can all agree
that Diane has never
looked her age...
till this year, sadly,
when it all just kind of
came crashing down on her.
( laughs )
It's a joke.
I'm joking.
You know I'm joking.
She looks amazing.
You look amazing,
sweetheart.
One of
the many benefits
- of not bearing
any children...
- ( woman gasps )
which is, of course,
your biological function.
Now, there's
one more thing,
one little, uh,
birthday surprise
for you.
Ilona! God, she is
so hard to shop for.
Ilona!
Oh, I hope I got
the right thing.
Ilona! Come on.
Put your back into it.
That's Hannah.
Look at that
little sweetie.
I'm sorry, Mr. Nick.
Ay, she's shy.
Come on.
Cheers, everybody!
Happy birthday, darling.
- All: Cheers!
- Bastard.
- ( muffled music playing )
- ( people laughing )
( laughing )
She's very,
um, youthful...
( chuckles )
...and inspiring.
She inspires me.
Do you know how obscene
you look right now?
Diane,
I'm talking to you.
Do you know how fucking
ridiculous you look?
God damn it.
Do you know what
makes it obscene?
The fact that you don't know
how to dance at your age.
Well, stop acting like
such a goddamn child.
You just wanna punish me.
All you ever do is criticize me.
- I just want you to--
- I'm so fucking sick of it!
Nick:
You're fucking 50 years old,
for God's sake.
- Diane: Good!
- You're making
a fucking spectacle...
Nick:
Will you fucking settle down?
Hey, where are you going?
Don't make a scene
like that
and then run out
of the goddamn room!
I was exercising
my biological function!
- Stop following me!
- I'm trying to have
a discussion with you,
for God's sake!
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck
are you doing?
What, are you gonna
write a letter?
What the hell are you doing?
What are you looking for?
Get away from me!
- Get out of here!
- I'm not going anywhere!
Then I'll go!
Fine!
- Just settle down.
- Fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you!
- Fucking fuck out!
- What the hell?
Oh, hey, now,
you put that away.
Put that away.
Put it away before
somebody gets hurt!
- Diane.
- Oh, is that
what you want, huh?
Would you want me hurt?
Isn't that what you want?
- No, you should just--
- You fucking asshole!
You wanna smoke me
out of here!
- Don't point that thing!
- Diane, Diane! Is that a gun?!
- Are you
pointing an actual-- ah!
- Nick, is everything cool?
- Oh, shit!
- ( gunshot )
- Holy shit!
- ( groaning ) Oh, God.
Oh, shit!
- ( groaning )
- I'm hit! My God!
- I'm sorry, Robert.
I'm so sorry, Robert!
- I know I've been hit.
- That was an accident!
- I've been shot by a gun.
- No one shot you, Robert.
- Diane: I'm so sorry!
- Robert: Really?
- Diane: Frances, I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God. Nick.
- Robert: Nick!
- Dallas: Nick! Nick,
are you all right?
- ( groaning )
What is happening?
What's happening?
I don't know.
Call a fucking ambulance.
- I think he's having
a heart attack.
- I'll call an ambulance.
- Dallas: Nick.
- Robert: Nick.
Maybe you should
just let him sleep this off.
- Who are you?
- We met at dinner.
Frances:
Hello. Hi, there's been
an accident.
- Oh, God, I don't--
- Dallas: Nick, can you
hear me?
What's the add--
does anyone know
the address here?
Dallas:
Just try to relax.
- ( siren wailing )
- ( police radio chatter )
Diane:
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
It's gonna be okay.
Don't worry.
So nice of you
to come to the party.
I just have to
go down to the station
for a quick little Q and A,
but I'll be back,
so make yourselves at home.
Don't bust up the party
'cause of me.
Well, there's plenty
of food for everybody
if you want food.
You're so skinny.
Get a little piece
of cheesecake.
- All right.
- Frances!
Open champagne.
But don't be too loud
'cause our neighbors--
so strict.
They'll call
the police,
so don't...
I'll be back.
I just gotta go
to the station for a second.
You shitting me?
Stop it.
- I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
- ( door closes )
( sighs )
She nearly killed me.
I mean, if I was
two or three inches
to the right,
it would've gone
right through my face.
( siren wailing )
Phew, that was
a close call.
Honey?
How do you go
from eight years
of a happy marriage
to wanting to blow
someone's head off?
What if the same thing
happens to us?
Wh-- I would never try
and blow your head off.
Are you sure?
Are you really sure
you would never try
and blow my head off?
Yes, I am sure.
Wait, hang on.
Are-- are you not sure?
When you threw my laptop
out the window...
- Wait, that--
- ...I specifically
remember thinking
that I wanted
to hit you in the face
with the, um, ceramic--
you know, the Chinese
ceramic cat thing
with the little wavy arm?
I wanted to smash the cat
and scalp you with
one of the shards.
What the fuck?
Are you drunk?
That's funny.
You spent last Christmas
fishing in Alaska.
No, no,
hang on a second.
That's the only time
of the year
that the Chinook salmon
run in those numbers.
- And you said
you didn't mind.
- I didn't mind.
It was the best Christmas
I have had in years.
You're welcome.
Sometimes I come home
from work
and I'm happy.
I actually feel happy.
And then I see
your car there parked
and I realize
you're home
and my heart...
sinks.
Is this about
my old job?
Is that what
this is about?
I want to save my life
while I still care about it.
I don't love you
anymore.
I want a divorce.
Oh, God, Robert.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, Robert.
- Sorry.
- You shouldn't have
eaten so much cheese.
- Oh.
- Listen, Robert,
are you hearing
what I'm saying?
Are you hearing me?
- Cheese. I heard you.
- Officer: Sir, can I get
your full name
- and contact information?
- Wait-- I'm sorry.
Can you just wait
one second, please?
Can you just hang on?
Robert, listen to me.
Listen, we don't have
to make this horrible,
all right?
- I don't want it
to be horrible-- oh, God!
- ( retches )
Oh, right on his boots.
I'm sorry.
He had
a lot of fondue.
- Oh, and some cake.
- Here.
Oh, God!
Jesus!
You scared me.
( sighs )
Where'd you go
last night?
- I was worried.
- I went to a strip club.
Oh.
Where there were
strippers
who were stripping
and they became nude.
- I wanted to hurt you.
- Yeah, well,
we might be
a bit beyond that.
Honey, this is crazy.
I'm not sure you meant
what you said last night
about not loving me
anymore.
I'm sorry.
I-- I did.
- I did mean it.
- I don't think you did,
Frances.
No, I did, Robert.
What are you doing?
I wanna give you
an orgasm.
I don't want you to give me
an orgasm, Robert.
I'd like to lick
your vagina
and then tongue dart
your anus.
I don't want that.
I think it would be good
for both of us
- if I gave you an orgasm.
- I don't want that.
I'm gonna lick your vagina
the way you like it.
The door is wide open,
Robert. Stop.
- This is gonna be fun
and pleasurable.
- Stop pulling on me!
Stop!
So that's it, then, huh?
The passion's dead?
You won't even
try counseling?
We've been to counseling.
Stop kicking chairs.
There's just no chance for us
whatsoever in your mind?
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to make
the kids breakfast
and then I'm taking them
to school.
Oh, you're just gonna pretend
that everything's normal?
I am not pretending
everything's normal, okay?
I am divorcing you!
That is not normal.
( sighs )
I just gotta get the kids
to school first.
( door closes )
Frances:
Lila, let me
smell quickly.
Lila, come here
and let me smell.
( sniffs )
No. No, they are not.
- They are!
- Well, they are not
brushed properly,
so, great, well done,
all right?
- Your breath stinks.
- Why are you being
such a bitch?
- What? Don't you dare--
- ( horn honks )
All right, you know what?
Everything is canceled for you
this week and next.
Everything!
- Tom, can you please
pick up your bag and stop--
- Yeah, I know, bag.
Whatever.
Who cares?
I care because I keep
buying you backpacks.
- ( sighs )
- ( doors close )
Wait, hey.
Hey. Hey, sorry.
All right?
Nothing is canceled.
I'm sorry.
I love you,
all right?
Just brush your teeth.
Shit.
Frances:
Hey, Antonia, can you tell
Marchelle and Andrew
that I'm gonna be late?
It's a personal issue.
- ( train horn blares )
- Sorry?
No, because
it's personal.
Also, it took nine rings
for someone to answer
the phone,
so can you do something
about that, please?
Thank you.
- ( horn blares )
- Dallas: Have you
talked to the kids?
Oh, God,
I'm dreading it.
But I think in the long run
it's the right choice
for them, too.
They'll be happier.
Mm, no, they won't.
They'll just add that
to their bank of reasons
to hate you.
My son
holds me responsible
for one husband dying
and the other one leaving.
I am anathema to him.
- ( horn blares )
- Also, do you enjoy
being on your own?
Because if you think
that you're gonna find
something better out there,
believe me when I tell you
you will be disappointed.
Well, I won't be
on my own anyway.
Announcer:
Next stop on this train--
Grand Central Station.
- Next to last stop.
- What?
What?
He is the only thing
that has kept me sane
this last year.
And I love him.
- Ugh.
- I think.
No, you don't.
You love his dick
and all the pretty dark hair
that surrounds it.
- Stop.
- And he makes you come.
Anyone that
makes you come
when you haven't even
wanted to come in years
you're gonna think
that you're in love with.
Anyway, he doesn't
just make me come.
He makes me come a lot.
He's sweet,
he's fun,
and he's creative.
He makes
his own granola.
- ( door closes )
- Hey.
Frances: Hi.
How's it going?
I just got your messages.
I put my earplugs in
last night.
I must've forgotten.
Oh, okay.
Granola?
No, thanks.
( sighs )
( moans )
( both panting )
I love you, Julian,
I think.
( moans )
- ( distant siren wailing )
- Want a pizza?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
I'm gonna order you
the most delicious pizza
you've ever had.
Uh, yeah, can I have
an 18-inch thin crust...
- Hawaiian?
- Sure.
Hawaiian, please.
And that's
for Julian Renaut.
Yeah.
You got my address,
yes? Okay.
- It's gonna be 30 minutes.
- I told Robert I wanted
a divorce.
What's that?
I told Robert
I wanted a divorce.
I mean, last night
was just such a wake-up call.
It was so extreme.
Mm.
Mm.
Is it okay if I stay here
for a couple of nights?
Tell the kids
I'm away on business.
- Uh...
- I can't fight
with him again.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
- But, um...
- ( horn honks )
I mean, well, it is
a bit of a shock.
We-- we talked
about it.
Yeah, we--
we talked about it.
I thought-- I, you know,
I thought that was
role-playing.
Uh, you know,
sexy talk.
I mean, you had kids.
I'll still have kids.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know you--
yeah.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
- Why did you
mention the kids?
- What?
You have no idea
what it's like
to share your life
with someone
who you have
literally...
nothing to say to
beyond,
you know, like,
"Oh, the alarm is making
that beeping sound again"
or whatever.
And, listen, I could do
banal shit all day long
if there was
a little love there
or-- or happiness,
but there--
there isn't.
And, I mean, we can't even
watch TV together
because he repeats
the jokes
right after
they say them
instead of laughing.
Well, you should
divorce him, then.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
What's the matter?
You see some guy
having a heart attack
and then the next day
you wanna divorce
your husband
and come
and move in with me.
No, I'm--
I'm not expecting
anything from you.
- Really?
- What the fuck?
Yes, really.
You're acting like
a massive asshole
right now.
Well, maybe I'm upset.
You know, what we had
was something very--
something
very private.
( scoffs )
- It's private?
- I didn't mean private.
I meant more like,
uh, secret.
Like our
dirty little secret.
And now it's just
some bourgeois affair.
I can't--
I can't even think
about eating pizza right now.
¶ I started a joke ¶
¶ Which started
the whole world crying... ¶
What am I...?
¶ But I didn't see... ¶
What am I doing?
¶ How the joke was on me ¶
¶ Oh, no... ¶
Hey, gang!
Mommy's home!
Okay, I know it's not
our traditional-- hey--
- Hey.
- traditional
Greek food night,
but who says you can't
have Greek food night
whenever you want,
right?
You just have to save some
for me and Dad.
Where is Dad?
- I don't know.
- I'm not sure.
Okay.
( music playing
on radio )
Robert?
Hey.
Hey.
I wanna talk to you.
What's there
to talk about?
You were pretty clear
this morning about
what you wanted.
When I came home,
I half expected to find
my clothes and shit
thrown out in the yard.
- You know me, right?
- I thought I did.
I sure as shit didn't see
any of this coming.
No, me--
me neither.
That's what I'm trying
to figure out.
I mean, I-- why would
I say those things?
Am I losing my mind?
You think
you're the only one
that wonders
if this is working?
- Because you're not.
- No, I know that.
- I know that.
- I mean, this crisis
at Nick and Diane's?
That's supposed to bring us
closer together, Frances.
( stammering )
I wish I could explain it.
I-- it--
it was like
time stood still
and I was outside my body
and I am watching myself,
I am hearing myself
say these things to you,
things, I guess,
I felt at the moment,
but obviously, that--
that is not who I am.
That is not
what I want.
I don't know.
Maybe you were
in shock.
I guess I am.
And, you know, they say
that when you're in shock,
you don't know you're in shock
till you're not
in shock anymore.
But when did it start
to go off the tracks
in your mind?
I don't know, I--
well, perhaps when
you grew the mustache?
You said you liked
the mustache.
Yeah, no,
I'll get there
eventually.
Well, I'm glad we're...
attempting
to clear the air.
Fuck.
In an odd way,
that gun going off
could be the greatest thing
that has happened to us
in a really long time.
Says the person
who wasn't almost
shot in the face.
No, no, no,
I'm serious.
Maybe this
is what it takes
for us to change
the way we are
with each other.
You know?
And now we can
go back to,
you know...
just liking
each other again.
You make it tough.
¶ And we're in this love
together ¶
¶ We got the kind
that'll last forever... ¶
( phone chiming )
Hey, you left it
in the office.
- Oh.
- Who is it?
Oh, it's just a work thing.
Can you check
the alarm downstairs?
- It's making
that chirping sound.
- Oh, sure.
Thanks.
Hey.
Sorry I touched you.
Mom.
Bye.
¶ I'm back
in baby's arms ¶
¶ How I missed
those lovin' arms ¶
¶ I'm back
where I belong ¶
¶ Back in baby's arms ¶
¶ Don't know
why we quarreled ¶
¶ We never did before ¶
¶ Since we found out
how it hurts ¶
¶ I bet we'd never
quarrel anymore. ¶
Well, they said he was
in serious condition,
but now he's been upgraded
to critical condition, so...
- Well...
- Oh, you mean...?
Well, it's definitely moving
in the right direction.
I don't wanna think
about life without him,
but if he wakes up,
he's gonna be so mad at me!
When he wakes up.
- Really?
- Yes.
They said it was
a severe heart attack
brought on by
a combination of factors,
including that thing
that I did with the gun,
which I totally
didn't mean to do.
- Of course you didn't.
- ( dog whimpering )
And he wasn't
in great shape physically.
You know,
he got fat.
I mean, obviously,
trying to shoot him
didn't help,
- but, you know, neither did
all those steak frites.
- ( whimpering continues )
Yeah, lots of factors.
Also, he was
under a lot of stress
with whatever he does
at work.
And you weren't
particularly kind
to him lately,
so that might've
contributed.
( stammering )
Wait, what?
Well, we can't
beat ourselves up
about this.
I mean, these are all
just pieces of the puzzle.
- We're just lucky
it happened at home.
- Right.
- Right.
- ( dog whimpering )
Well, it's been
a couple of crazy days.
I mean, I was ready
to divorce Robert.
- Thank God I--
- Hannah! Stop it, Hannah!
Stop it!
I mean it!
Ugh, that dog
is driving me crazy.
He really does love
his french fries, huh?
( chuckles )
Yes, I can testify to that.
Would you?
- Well, I was joking, but...
- Thank you.
Oh, you're--
you're welcome.
- Can I just
ask you a favor?
- Of course.
- Please, Hannah.
- ( growling )
Let's go.
Come on.
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.
Oh, God, you smell
like a yeast infection.
( Hannah barking )
- ( sighs )
- Robert: Hello?
Hey, where are you?
I can't get in.
There's--
the keys-- ugh.
I don't know.
There's something up
with the lock.
I'm here.
I'm in the house.
Oh, Oh, hi.
Can you let me in?
No.
( scoffs )
What?
I called
your friend J.
Julian?
And it became apparent
within about 30 seconds
that, uh,
the two of you
have been fucking
for quite a while.
Just out of curiosity,
did you have sex with him
and me yesterday?
Because officially,
that would mean you
were gangbanged.
- I don't--
- I want you out
of our lives, Frances.
And I want you
out of my house.
If I'm perfectly honest,
you disgust me now.
- Robert--
- No! I don't trust you.
You're the villain here,
not me.
You're the evildoer,
the flimflammer,
the double-crosser,
the bunco artist.
You know who you are?
You're Jesse James
and I get to be
Sandra Bullock.
And I get to rise
from the ashes
of humiliation
and win a fucking
Academy Award.
Look, Robert,
can you just let me in
so we can talk about this?
You know that divorce
that you wanted?
I want one, too.
But that sneaky,
easy, friendly way
that you were hoping for?
You can forget it
'cause I'm gonna
make you miserable.
And more to the point,
I'm gonna make
your children hate you.
( Hannah barking )
Robert.
( knocking )
Robert, can you please
just let me in?
- Robert. Robert!
- ¶ I'm feeling
so alone now... ¶
- Robert!
- ¶ They cut
the telephone, uh-huh ¶
¶ Yeah, my life
is just a mess ¶
¶ I threw it all
away now ¶
¶ I could have made
a fortune ¶
¶ I lost the craving
for success ¶
¶ And as the acrobats,
they tumble ¶
¶ So the corn
begins to crumble ¶
¶ But in the mirror
she admires ¶
¶ A brand-new dress ¶
¶ Live on
the second floor now ¶
¶ They're trying
to bust the door down ¶
¶ Soon I'll have
a new address ¶
¶ So much for liberation ¶
¶ They'll have
a celebration ¶
¶ Yeah, I've been
under too much stress ¶
¶ And as the clouds
begin to rumble ¶
¶ So the juggler
makes his fumble ¶
¶ And the sun
upon my wall ¶
¶ Is getting less ¶
¶ Don't give a damn ¶
¶ Fight while you can ¶
¶ Kill, shoot 'em up ¶
¶ They'll,
they'll run amuck ¶
¶ Shout, Judas ¶
¶ Loud and they'll
hear us ¶
¶ Soldier, sailor ¶
¶ Who's your tailor? ¶
¶ They'll run for cover
when they discover ¶
¶ Everyone's
a nervous wreck now... ¶