Dirk Gently (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Gently!

Gently!

This is the police.

'Welcome to Paneljacks
answering service.

'Please choose
from the following options.'

Gently!

'Could you repeat...'

This is your final warning.

Option two.

If you do not open this door
we will force an entry.

'I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Could you repeat?'



OPTION.

TWO!

'Thank you. Putting you through,
to option three.'

Gaah!

Go! Go! Go! Upstairs.

Landing clear, sir.

'Welcome to Paneljacks
answering service.'

Oh, just a small matter
he might be able to help us with.

Do you think
he might be out with a client?

It's unlikely, we haven't had
any for months.

Somebody broke our phones.

You'll get your messages
when I get paid.

Sorry about that. Staff issues.

That's perfectly fine.



She works for Gently.
She deserves a medal.

Thank you!

So, no current clients.

You wouldn't happen to have a list
of former clients by any chance?

Yeah. We've... Um...

I very much doubt he's out
with any of these though.

He owes most of them money.

Even so. Probably get them
checked out, you know.

Cross the t's, dot the i's.

Can I just ask what have
they got to do with this?

What's he done?

Just tell him that two
of his clients have been murdered

and so far he's the only connection.

So yes,
we'd really like to talk to him.

For his own protection, naturally.

Goodbye, my dear.

Bye.

Macduff, I think I'm being
framed for murder.

He's still out there, Dirk.

You need to talk to him, Dirk.

Macduff. Wash your mouth out.

Are we at death's door?

We have no more ideas in our heads?

'Notice of eviction'?
That's a new one, isn't it?

Yes it is. You'll have to create
a whole new pile,

right next to the final demands.

What are you looking for?
My passport.

I feel that the solution will found
on the beach of other country,

preferably one that has no
extradition treaty.

What? You're just going to go?

It seems a sensible
course of action.

What about... the business?

Macduff, I have taught you all
I know about avoiding bills.

It's time for my little bird
to fly the nest.

Fine. You know what, you go.

I'm just the mug who
though you might actually need me.

Oh, Macduff.

What the hell is she doing here?

Mr Gently?

Er, yes. Please.
This is my assistant Macduff.

Partner.

Assistant Partner. I...

Please.

I tried ringing first, but it went
into this sort of queuing system.

Yes. We're very busy.

So busy we don't even have
time to tidy up.

Wow. You must be incredibly busy.

Yes indeed we are, Miss?

Melinda. Melinda Fulstone.

Melinda. Melinda Fulstone.

Sorry. Your face really rings a bell.
Have we met?

Eh...

No, I'm sure I would remember such
a memorable event.

Sorry. Could you, er...

I am told I have...
one of those faces.

No. Can't place it.

Macduff!

Miss Fulstone, I am very eager to
hear what brought you

to our humble office this morning.

I am unusual in that my mind works
much better when in motion,

blood pumping to
the brain as it were.

Perhaps you'd care to join us
for a brisk stroll across our roof?

What the hell. Why not?

Great! Gilks!

Why am I not surprised you've
got an escape route?

I find it prudent to plan for every
eventuality. If you could...

Open the door and point them
to the pin board?

It will be my pleasure.

Gently!

Somebody stalking you?

Whatever leads you to this
worrying conclusion?

Little things, but it all adds up,
mail going missing,

I've got this motion sensing light
thing, somebody broke it.

Oh, I saw this man watching me
with some binoculars.

Maybe I should have started
with that.

Did you get a good look at his face?

No. It's was dark and he ran off when
I chased him but...

To be honest I did run quite slowly.

I didn't really want to catch him
that much.

That was lucky. For the stalker.

The police say they won't do
anything without more proof.

I said, "What, my dead body?"
but they just laughed.

I said, "I'm not joking." The police!

They can be so heartless.
Those bastards.

My brain's working well, but to give
your case the attention it deserves,

what do you say we get the blood
really pumping?

I'm game. Good.

There they are!

That was great!
All meetings should be like that.

We do it all the time.

I've been cooped
up at home for weeks you see.

I had a bit of a car crash, thing.
I'm sorry to hear it.

I've been trying to follow that idea

of doing one thing every day that
scares you.

Well then you'll be pleased to
hear that we normally

round it off with a little
high speed driving.

Just to clear the pipes.

Come on you beautiful bitch.
Not you.

Ah-ha!

You must live a very exciting
life, Mr Gently.

It may seem that way, but it can be
quite solitary sometimes.

I was recently divorced myself.

I'm sorry to hear it.

Oh, don't be.

When Roger ran off with the pool
cleaner it was painful at first,

but in time I came to
see as a blessing in disguise.

I was finally free to live the life
I had denied myself.

And I will live it.

That is inspirational.

I mean, of course there's always
the worry that something about me

put him off women for life.

Ms Fulstone, the idea that you could
ever put a man off

intercourse with females is frankly
ludicrous.

That's very sweet of you to say.

Mainly because sexual preference is
now commonly held to be

a genetic predisposition.

The chances are he was never truly
attracted to you in the first place.

Or he could be bisexual.

Well. You've certainly given me
a lot to think about.

Ms Fulstone,

Ms Fulstone, I'm almost
ashamed to mention this but

regarding your case, there is
the delicate issue of our fee.

Oh, don't worry about that, it's
Roger's money not mine.

And the more of it
he loses the better.

Taxi! Ms Fulstone, I am supremely
confident

that we will be able to fit you into
our very busy schedule.

Hampstead.

Well, that was quite a performance.

So when are you
planning on solving this one,

before or after you flee
the country?

Ah. The murders. Yes.
Well not to worry, Macduff.

I am sure this case will be
but a moment's work.

So you're staying?

I didn't say that but,

I have confidence I can solve
this case before my flight.

Oh, really? You're an expert
at catching stalkers now, are you?

As a collective noun, not
especially.

But this particular stalker, I
believe we may have more luck with.

As it's actually me.

It's what?
What do you mean it's you?

I mean that for the last month
I have been secretly observing

Ms Fulstone as part of a scientific
experiment.

You're the stalker?

I prefer the term covert
experimenter.

One night I'm sure she saw my face,

but luckily she doesn't seem to
have recognised me.

I assume she obtained my card from
the window of her local newsagents,

where I left it during a much needed

refreshment break in my
surveillance.

Of course. I'm sure. It's thirsty
work, stalking.

Graphology, handwriting
as an indicator of personality.

You stalked her to see if her
character matched her handwriting?

And indeed it did. Her behaviour,
her interests, all a perfect match.

Ha-ha!

I mean, most people would just go to
a wine bar to meet a woman.

Or a nightclub.
I am not, most people.

Oh, I know that.

I found your list, "handwriting
traits for the perfect woman".

I do have a very specific
set of needs.

Yeah. I see that. Gullibility,
bad with finances?

To be honest, it sounds more like
the perfect mark for you to fleece.

I will confess that
when I first formulated this project

I was a little more mercenary.

But now I've met Miss Fulstone in
the flesh... You fancy her.

She does has certain physical
and facial characteristics

that evolution has deemed to be more
alluring to prospective mates, yes.

Maybe don't say it
exactly like that on a date.

Hurry up, Macduff.

How did you even find her?
Her handwriting I mean.

An old client owed me a favour.

He leant me a pile of handwritten
claim forms

from his car insurance company.
His ladies only insurance company.

Clever. And very, very creepy.

Come, Macduff. Once I'm safe on some
beach in Puerto Rico,

you can tell Ms Fulstone, without
a word of a lie,

that her stalker has left the
country.

OK, passport, passport, passport.

Wow! The police really tore
this place apart.

I'm afraid not, Macduff.

That minor disagreement with
my cleaner has escalated somewhat.

Er, look in the, er...

Do you know how much
smoother your life would run

if you just paid people
occasionally?

Oh, Macduff, the situation has gone
way beyond mere money.

I haven't paid her for a year.

Most people would have quit by now.
But not Elena. Oh, no.

She's Eastern European. Hardy.

Probably distantly related
to the Borgias.

She continues to come
here for two hours every day,

stubbornly avoiding doing anything
resembling actual cleaning.

In retaliation, I have, of course,
become messier and messier.

It's like a surreal horror
movie for OCD sufferers.

With Elena as the vampiric
witch of the piece.

But she's got a heart of gold
really. Salt of the Earth.

Lovely woman.

Oh, hello.

Recently things have taken
a much darker turn.

Every day she places that
rug in that exact position.

It is a warning, Macduff.

Plainly, yeah. It's terrifying.

Pick it up.

Oh, that is dark.
She sawed a hole in your floor?

No. The hole was there already.

It was a memento of my previous
dispute with that plumber,

if you remember.

Are you sensing a theme here, Dirk?

Oh. I was sure it
was around here somewhere.

Detective Inspector Gilks.

And you found my passport.

I am so glad you've decided to forgo
legal representation.

It makes things so much simpler.

On the contrary.
I'm representing myself.

As I said. Simple.

So. Two, dead, people. Do you
recognise them?

I've been advised by my legal
counsel to neither confirm

nor deny anything.

But you're your own legal...

Look, there is no need to confirm.

We know they were your clients.

Now, apparently,
they died of a heart attack.

Aged 27 and 48.

It happens, but not very often.
Coroner got suspicious.

Dug a little deeper, found a very
rare toxin in their bloodstream.

They were murdered.

And you think that I,
my client, murdered them?

No, of course not.

What possible motive could... What?
We don't think you did it.

But you broke down my door!

We thought you were in danger.
Possibly already dead.

You chased me across a roof.

We were trying to protect you.
Gently, you are many things.

Many annoying, incompetent
things, but you are not a killer.

At least not intentionally.

I am sure your blithering ineptitude
will kill someone one day.

But, you know,
not with this level of skill.

This is the work of a professional.

My client informs me that he could
have killed them if he'd wanted to.

Would you kindly advise your client
to stop incriminating himself.

My client resents the slanderous
implication that

he's so incompetent that he couldn't
commit a couple of simple murders.

God, you really don't make it easy
to help you, do you?

OK, fine. Fine.

I am sure that you are perfectly
capable of killing anyone you like.

How's that?
Now, can we just move on?

My client concurs.

Think. Think about it, Gently.

What this does sounds like, eh?

The poison,

the spotless crime scene...

A ghost hit.

My client wishes me to pass
on his scathing laughter and scorn.

Fine. But somebody did it.

Somebody
is killing your old clients.

It may end here. It may not.

We're guarding all of those that we
can find but I strongly recommend

that you accept police protection
for the time being.

For your own safety.
But you can't force me.

Well, no. If you don't accept it,
you're a fool.

But that's never stopped you before.
Then I think I'll be on my way.

Look,
is there anyone you can think of,

anyone with a big enough grudge
to want to do this?

The biggest thorn in my side
is in this room.

So unless there's something
you'd like to confess...

You're right, Gently. Your biggest
problem is in this room.

But it isn't me.

Ohhh.

Ohhh.

A ghost is a kind
of exclusive hit man.

Traditionally only
used by mob bosses.

The idea is, you simply supply
the name of the target.

You never meet the killer,
they never meet you.

Money disappears from your
bank account

and the target winds up dead.

Supposedly from natural
causes in a spotless crime scene.

Only no-one's ever been able to
prove they exist.

Mainly because it's total rubbish.
Are you OK? What? No. Fine!

I'm fine. Someone's killing my old
clients, maybe saving me till last,

but it's just another case to solve
isn't it? OK, OK.

Why don't you stop for a breath

and let's go find somewhere and sit
down? What? No. No.

I'm taking the case, which means I'm
suddenly my own client

and therefore much more of a target.

Well, I don't think the killer
would know.

Unless he's telepathic.

Maybe he is.

I'm guessing hired muscle,
probably an east London gang.

You pay cleaner.

Or, they're from my cleaner.

This is about the cleaner?

Thank god. I thought they were
going to kill us.

She's certainly raising her game.
Bravo.

It's fine. It's fine.
He's going to pay her. Won't you?

You can tell my so-called cleaner...

Ahh!

In one day. You pay.

Otherwise.

Security number two-three-nine.
No. OK. Yep. Thank you.

I have paid my cleaner.

I've paid your cleaner.

Mere semantics, Macduff.

I always wondered what it'd take to
get you to pay for something.

I guess I now know, broken fingers
and death threats from mobsters.

They sound like my kind of people.
Thank you, Janice.

Is this a different Notice
of Eviction from the first one?

Oh, yeah. Just a clerical error.

Nothing to worry about.

What are you doing now?

I'm trying to find a new cleaner
You've seen my place. It's a tip.

People are dying. Maybe we should
sort out that little problem first.

When a man looses sight of his
carpet, then he is no longer a man.

Besides, I'm sure you'll find that
all these little problems

will prove to be interconnected
in ways that you can't possibly...

No. No, sorry.

I'm not going to let you get
away with that.

I'm not going to let you get away
with pulling your same old tricks

of doing whatever the hell you want

and just hoping that all the dots
connect together at the end.

They usually do.

That's not the point, Dirk.
There's too much at stake.

You faffing around now could
get people killed.

How dare you! I do not faff.

Besides what happened to, "Don't
leave me, Dirk, I might get lonely?"

I never said that...

Exactly.

And even if I did, that
was before I found out about

Dirk the stalker
and got mugged by gangsters.

Can we please, just for once,
act like regular detectives?

And if you need to justify that to
yourself, just look at me now,

here, in this moment, getting angry
as just another little

part of the whole web
of interconnected cause and effect.

That actually makes sense.

Really?

Really.

OK.

All right. So...

What have we got? Who do you think
could be doing this?

You framed anyone for murder
recently?

The only murderer I've
framed...

Is in prison.

Wait. What? Sorry,
you've actually done that?

At least he was.
Until two months ago.

Robbie Glover.

Ten years ago he was the prime
suspect in one of my first cases.

It was a penny ante case of office
supply theft in an insurance firm.

Plenty of suspects, no evidence.

Which was odd, because there were
cameras everywhere.

But the post-it notes kept
disappearing.

And then I realised that the answer
was staring me in the face.

Who watches the watchmen?

The sweaty, twitchy watchmen.

I was convinced that I had my man.

So much so that I saw the lack
of evidence as no obstacle at all.

It was an early prototype of my

fundamental interconnectedness
of all things theory.

The whoever you frame will turn out
to be guilty theory?

Yes. Pretty much. But it turned out
he was utterly innocent.

No-one had stolen anything.

Someone had put a decimal
point in the wrong place.

So they thought they should have had
20,000 post-it notes rather than 20.

You said you framed him for murder.

Oh, well the decimal point thing
was only discovered later.

By then the police had
searched his flat

and they discovered his brother's
body buried in the chest freezer.

Ah.

So technically I framed him
for post-it note theft,

which lead to
the discovery of a murder.

But it wasn't a distinction
he seemed to care about at the time.

Dirk? I vividly remember his threats
toward me from the dock.

Very colourful.

Very specific about certain
body parts being

inserted inside other body parts.

Dirk? I can't see him.

Oh, no. He's over there.

Oh, yeah. Come on then.

What did he buy? Huh?

What did he buy? Syringes.

Really? You could inject
poison with syringes.

Wow. Your mind is like a machine.

Or, he could just be diabetic.

Oh, and he bought bleach. Bleach.

Enemy of DNA.
The killer's best friend.

Or, could have mouldy shower
curtains.

Ah-ha!

OK. I will admit, taken out
of context, it doesn't look good.

On the contrary. It looks very good.
I think we've found our man.

I can't think of many uses for
those items,

that don't involve a dead body
and a shallow grave.

Would you like a closer look?

I've seen you.

Hello. We're fine. We're just...

Dogging.

Don't you need a car to go dogging?

Yes. Saving up for one.
In the meantime we just...

Use the bush.

What about Mr Gently there?
Is he dogging too?

Mr Glover. How nice to see you.

Dirk Gently.

You seem very interested
in the contents of my boot.

No. No, no. I'm sure you have
perfectly reasonable explanations

for all of those
totally innocent items.

Leaping to conclusions again?

Cos we all know where that lead to
last time, don't we?

Would you like to see what
they're all for?

Not really. I insist.

We call ourselves
From Jail To Jesus.

We're all ex-cons.

Now we're all saved.

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

We were given this hall
on the condition we fixed it up.

So we are.

Good, well, that's very commendable.

Um...

Thank you
so much for showing us around.

So what would you say was
your favourite book of the Bible?

Oh, God.

Sounds like a test, Mr Gently?

Would it be a problem if it was?

Do you have faith?
Do you believe in anything?

Yeah, I believe in things.

Yeah, I believe in...

The laws of physics,
most of the time.

I believe that everyone and
everything is interconnected

in a way that isn't
always immediately apparent.

And I also believe

that one day

we will all be brought
to account.

A reckoning that
I have tried to avoid my whole life.

Because I know

I will be found wanting

when I finally meet...

the Inland Revenue.

I pity you.

With no spiritual dimension to
your life,

you're barely half a man.

Really? Well,
at least I didn't murder anybody.

Has God forgiven you for that?
What are you going to do?

Would you...? Are you going to...?

Are you going to do it again then
ask him to forgive you again?

That'd be handy.
Is that what you do?

You seem to be fishing, Mr Gently.

Are you saying there's nothing to
catch...

in this river?

I'm saying your waders...

have got a hole in them.

Well...

I'm very adept...

with a puncture repair kit.

What?

To repair... Listen to me!

Listen, listen.

I have tried very, very hard,

with Jesus at my side,
to forgive you for what you did

and it saddens me to tell you that I
have failed,

because I still hate you,

I hate you!

And even though it would
mean my soul,

if someone gave me a button to push

that would end you, I would gladly
push it.

Get off me.

Shhh...

Have a good night.

Right, we have to tell the police.
Tell them what?

He's a killer. You think he's a
killer? He feels like a killer.

Agreed. Let's look in his car.

Right. No!

Maybe don't break into the car
of a probable mass murderer, Dirk!

Relax. I don't think this is our
man. What? Why?

This is not the car of a man
who leaves a spotless crime scene.

Check out the loop on his Js.

Oh, well, why didn't you say? Loops
on his Js. Of course he's innocent.

My recent experiments in this
field have proven...

Dirk, call the police.
We should not be doing this.

There is nothing to tell the police.
This evidence...

This isn't evidence!
This is nonsense.

I mean, why don't we be totally
certain? Take him on as a client,

see if he tries to kill himself,
while we're being all logical.

We might have to. We haven't got any
other clients. Yes, we do!

We've got the woman from this
morning. The one you're stalking.

With a client killer on the loose.

But he's in the church hall.

But what if it's not him?

Option two. OPTION TWO.
What are you doing?

I'm calling the office to get Janice
to get us the address.

I've been stalking her for a month.
I know the way there.

Doesn't matter. I got put through
to a Chinese anyway.

Ah!

I was wondering how long it'd take
you to remember your latest client.

How... did you... know... about her?

I'm a detective, Gently.
You should try it.

Is that you, Mr Gently?

Do come in.

Ms Fulstone was just telling me
about her stalker.

It seems quite probable that there
is a connection with

the killing of your clients.

Oh, I strongly doubt that.
Really? I'd love to know why.

Sorry. That's mine.
I'm such a scatterbrain.

Always losing my purse.

Is that right?
That must be quite costly.

Oh, it's only money.

There are far more important
things in life, I always say.

Gently? I believe you
were about to enlighten us.

Speaking of which, I seem to find
myself temporarily short of funds.

I wonder if you could possibly lend
me £10?

The £20 is fine.

Keep it. As a gift.

Gently? I believe you
were about to enlighten us.

Why isn't this stalker connected
with the killings?

Well, it's fairly
straightforward really.

If you look at the case from all
angles, and I do mean all...

Ms Fulstone only became our client
because of the stalker.

Yeah! What he said.

So, if I might be so bold,

do you have any plans for this
coming Friday night?

I'd love to. Good.

All the same, regarding this
stalker, I'm a firm believer

in the fundamental
interconnectedness of all things.

Wouldn't you agree, Mr Gently?

Yes, I have heard it said.

Or as I like to put it,
there's no smoke without fire.

So he was in the garden you say?

Yes.

Why are we still here?

Because we're looking
for the mystery stalker.

You're the stalker. I know!

Ah, yes,
it's been messed with, hasn't it?

Melinda's in danger and he's
wasting his time with this nonsense.

If only we had a real suspect
we could tell him about.

Hmm? Dirk?

Yeah, I think somebody
picked this lock.

Really?

You actually came, the stalker
actually came inside the house?

It's more than likely, yes.

How horrible!

We can't possibly
guess at his motives.

They might be quite innocent.

Is there anything missing from this
room? From this house?

Just a minute.

I keep my receipts in a folder here.

Ah! They've gone.

I'll call a team out.
We'll dust for prints immediately.

Well, I'm sure the stalker was
wearing gloves.

He'd have been pretty stupid not to,
wouldn't he?

Gently. What are you doing?

Just checking for evidence.

Just stop it!
Step away from the sideboard.

I was just being thorough.

You were contaminating my
crime scene.

And you are wasting time.

The real killer is out there
somewhere,

possibly planning to kill
Ms Fulstone as we speak,

and you're piddling around with
this stalker nonsense.

It's not nonsense.
The killer was in this very room.

No, he wasn't! Because they're two
different people!

How can you possibly know that?

Because I AM THE STALKER!

Now we've got that settled, I hope
we can put this stalker nonsense

behind us and concentrate
on catching the real killer.

And I sincerely hope this won't cast
a cloud over our date on Friday.

Macduff, where the
hell have you been?

I'm going out of my mind in here.

I've made a list of things I need.

I've written toilet tissue twice
because it's very important.

The stuff they have here
is like tracing paper.

Are you going to ask how I am?

Whatever's happened to you can't
possibly compare to the

seven hells I've been subjected to.

Two hours of Gilks,
prodding and probing and accusing.

Did you do the stalking together?

Have you ever stalked anyone else?

And then I found out that another
client has been murdered.

Yeah, Mr Forrester.

Weren't the police protecting him?

Well, apparently, a policeman
sleeping in a car outside

isn't as much of a deterrent
as we'd hoped.

Is Melinda OK?

She's fine.

They've moved all the other clients
to a safe house. Including her.

So that's what...
three people dead now?

You should know I told them about
Robbie. They're bringing him in.

And you know what?

I really hope for your sake that he
isn't the killer.

Because if he is, and you've
kept his name from the police,

then this last one's on you, Dirk.

And it's on me too,
for listening to your crap.

You're free to go.

Is this a trick?
Oh, I wish it was, no.

No, Ms Fulstone has agreed to
drop all charges.

I don't know what your Mr Macduff
said to her

but it must have been
very persuasive.

Now, most people, they don't get
a second chance like this, Gently.

I implore you, please...

Mess it up.

I shall endeavour, to disappoint
you.

Tosser!

I understand I have you to
thank for talking to Melinda.

What exactly did you tell her?

The truth.

I know. And she believed me.

In a way,
I think she was weirdly flattered.

Well. Thank you anyway.

Your new cleaner. If you want her.

Ah, excellent. When can she start?

I don't know.

She seems very keen
but her English isn't very good.

When I came in Janice was trying to
translate on the net.

That doesn't sound like Janice.

I was trying to find
the Polish for skinflint tosser.

You go here? Da? Yeah?

You clean? You clean?

You clean? Da?

"Yes" is "tak" in Polish.

OK? And then you...

Hospital corners. Yes? Tak?

Hospital corners? Tak?

Thank you. Adios.

A convincing performance

considering you've never cleaned
anything in your life.

I find it useful to know your enemy.

I think you should know, Macduff

I've decided to overlook your
behaviour at the police station.

My behaviour? It's all right,
Macduff. We'll say no more about it.

No. I think we will. I'm not going
to just sit here and let you...

Dirk Gently.

Thank you.

That was a friendly
cleaner down at the police station,

who I've bribed to keep me posted.

Bribed? Promised to bribe.

They're going releasing
Robbie in half an hour

due to lack of evidence.

What? I said he's not the killer.
I've been saying it all along.

And now the police agree with me.

They've searched his house
from top to bottom.

Really? Yeah?

Have they searched this?

What's this?

A receipt for a storage unit
he rents.

It was in the papers you
stole from his car, remember?

Oh, let it go, Macduff.
He's not the killer.

Because of an untidy car
and a loop on his J.

Yeah, and there was a time when that
would have been enough for you.

Maybe I've grown up
a little bit, Dirk.

Maybe I see through you.

I am getting a little
tired of covering for you.

Paying bills for you
and getting arrested for you.

Well...

I can assure you it's all very
much appreciated.

It's not though, is it?

Really, it's not.

Words like "appreciated",
"thank you..."

are just like tricks to you.

You wheel them out when you need to,
but you don't really mean them.

Not really. It's just grease to
keep things moving along.

And you know what, when it was just
me getting dumped on, that's...

I can handle that. But someone is
killing our clients, Dirk.

People are dying.

And you're still just doing the same
little dance you've always done.

And you know what?
I don't want to watch it anymore.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

That was quite a speech.

I don't suppose it would hurt
to have a little look around.

If you don't, I will.

I thought you'd had enough.

Of this... absolutely.

But I'm going to see this through.

Right, well, I can search the unit,

you can keep an eye on Robbie. OK.

But, Dirk, when this is over,

I'm done.

Is he moving?

No. But I think I know why
he needed those syringes though.

Handing them out to drug addicts.

It's a clean syringe programme
thing. Any luck your end?

'No.'

Oh, no, wait, there's a big sign
here, it says,

"Told you so, Macduff."

Oh, that's funny.

There's a sign right here that
says you're walking home.

Oh, don't be a baby. Macduff?

Tell me you're on the way.

I stopped to fill up
but I'm nearly there.

You were right.

What? What have you found?

Where's Robbie?

I don't know?
I stopped following him.

You said it was a dead end.
Dirk, what are you...

What's happening?

I'm not going back to jail.

I. AM. NOT. GOING. BACK.

I'm never going back to jail.

Are you OK? Dirk?

Come on.

Having a bit of a clear out?

No, this is a feng shui approach I'm
trialling, clear office, clear mind.

Clear bank account? Clients can be
so skittish, can't they?

Avoiding you just
because of a few pesky murders.

You seem a little short handed
today. Where is Mr Macduff?

He's taking some... personal days.

He'll be back. Oh, oh, I see.

So, you'll be glad to hear that
Robert Glover has been

officially charged with the murders.

The poison found in his syringes
matched that used in the killings.

Oh, and he had a notebook detailing
everything he'd like to do to you,

if he ever got you alone,
but then we've all got those.

Gilks,

if I'd told you about Robbie,
earlier, would it have helped?

Do you mean, would more
people have lived?

Probably, yes.

Goodbye, Gently.

Goodbye, Gilks.

Hello, Dirk.

Are you OK?

I started writing you a note
but that's the coward's way out.

It's Roger.
He came round last night.

Federico has thrown him
out for looking at other women.

So obviously that changes
things a little.

I know you'll think I'm weak

but I've decided to give him
another chance.

He's says that he might...

That's not your handwriting.
What do you mean? Yes it is.

Did you hear what I said about Roger?
Yes, yes, Roger's straight again.

But this isn't the handwriting you
used on your car insurance form.

How did you see my car
insurance form?

Part of my stalking

for which I believe I've already
been forgiven.

I broke my wrist in the crash.

It's only just now really
back to normal.

So Marta has been doing
all my paperwork.

Did Macduff not explain
about my handwriting experiment?

Oh, that. I'm afraid
I didn't listen to all of it.

Roger was always the
brain box of the two of us.

I'm not really a big fan
of ideas.

I've been watching the wrong woman.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Tell me, your cleaner,
does she have a trusting nature?

Not at all.

She phoned the police the last time
the gas man came round.

And is she bad with money?

Lord, no. She saves up every
penny to send back home.

So much for handwriting.

Melinda, thank you for being
so honest.

It's a terrible blow
but what can you do? C'est la vie.

I wish you all
the luck in the world with Roger.

I'll see myself out.

Macduff! What are doing here?

You called me.

I did? I did!

You said it was a matter of
life or death.

Quite possibly. Yes.

You said you were going on a dream
quest and you'd overdosed on LSD.

Those were both very good ideas

but I've had some new ones
since then.

I take it the new
cleaner's working out?

Oh, yes. Incredibly keen.
Wonderful woman.

Working her way through the flat.

Building up courage to
tackle the bedroom.

I thought this case was closed?

Well, from a strictly Newtonian
view of the universe, yes.

But from a quantum perspective,
possibly not.

Wow. You really are desperate
for work aren't you?.

Trying to unsolve a case.

There's something in my
subconscious

that will not let this case rest.

An etheric stone
in the shoe of my ego.

A repressed
hangnail on the finger of my...

OK.

Well, I wish you all
the best of luck with that, Dirk.

I'll see you around.

What? You can't leave.
I need you, Macduff.

You need me?

No.

That is to say,

you are the grit around which
the pearl of truth often forms.

Your plain speaking everyman
perspective

is a useful counterpoint.

No, no, don't ruin it.

And you're a very good
sounding board

for my more
outlandish theories.

You mean, you think better
when you're showing off.

There you go. Cutting straight to
the heart of the matter.

OK.

OK. I'll stay.

Just so we're clear, this doesn't
mean I'm coming back.

I'll just grant you this favour.
A one time deal.

Fair enough.

So what have we got so far?

I don't believe that Robbie
is the killer.

You just won't let that go,
will you?

The events that lead us to uncover
his guilt felt a little too direct.

My methods usually necessitate, no,
demand more circuitous routes.

Involving the sudden convergence
of seemingly disparate threads.

So you think Robbie isn't the killer

because we easily found evidence to
suggest he is the killer.

Exactly!

And what about the small matter
of him trying to strangle you?

Yes, I admit that
in the heat of the moment,

he did try to brutally murder me.

But what if he attacked me

not because I'd found his wall
of evidence,

but because he'd never seen
it before

and he assumed that I'd planted it.

I know, I know.

Even if someone else did plant
evidence, framed Robbie, why?

What's the point?

Er...

Ah! Well, it would get
the clients out of hiding.

Melinda for one.

Talking of which,
are you expecting company?

Hmm?

Oh. No, Melinda switched
the venue to hers.

Where she politely informed me

that she's got back with her newly
straight husband.

Oh, um, hello,

we...

won't...

be needing...

the...

What's Polish for pot roast?

Oh, it doesn't matter!

Well, for what it's worth
I'm sorry, Dirk. Oh, don't be.

Turns out the handwriting I thought
was hers was actually her cleaners.

So you should have been stalking her
cleaner? She's your perfect woman.

No. Not at all. Her traits didn't
match her handwriting.

The whole thing is obviously bunk.

Yes. It would be, wouldn't it?
On her wages. Right, Dirk?

Gah! All the pieces are here.
I'm sure of it.

I just don't know what they mean.
At least not consciously.

I'm sure my subconscious has
already worked this out

and has it's feet up with
a cup of tea.

What?

Nothing. Just you babbling nonsense.
Me popping your ego.

I've missed this.

Not enough to come back
but, you know.

Well...

I'll glad my nonsense has
entertained you.

I don't know. I just feel it's
staring me in the face.

If only I could see it.

Whoops. How clumsy of me.

There I go again. Butterfingers.

What are you doing?

You made a mess.

I hate the mess.

If you wanted a pay rise,
you just had to ask.

Dirk Gently.
It was on my answer phone.

Rosa Valchenko, hired assassin,
codename The Cleaner.

Your cleaner's codename was
The Cleaner?

I know. These cold-blooded killers,
no imagination.

Look. Wanted by the FBI and
Interpol. And check out the reward.

That's nice.
That's Hawaiian beach nice.

Or I could rent the office again.
Pay off the debts.

Yeah? It's your money.

No. It's...

our money.

Are you OK?

Fair's fair. I wouldn't have
cracked this without you.

Thanks.

So, don't you want to know how
it all happened?

Who the evil genius was
behind it all?

Yeah, go on then. Blow my mind. Who?

Janice.

Janice? Secretary Janice? No.

I mean I know she's got mixed
feelings for you but...

In revenge for me
not paying her wages,

Janice diverted all the office calls
to a very cheap messaging system.

So cheap in fact that many
of the calls

mistakenly ended up in other
people's inboxes,

taxi firms, Chinese restaurants,

and our very exclusive assassin.

Now, her number was only supposed to
be known by mob bosses,

who would ring up with
the names of targets.

But then clients of mine started
leaving their names and addresses.

Neil Tendall. 46 Wenton Street.

235 Upper Macmillan, E3...

Nigel McClusky, number 4,
The Stables.

Mr Fredericks,
9 Fullmore Crescent, Barking.

Little realising that they were
signing their own death warrants.

After a while, when nothing showed
up in her account,

she realised the error and sent
those heavies round

to try and get the money off me.

You pay cleaner.

Even when she knew it was a mistake,
she still wouldn't stop killing.

Her guarantee is that any name
left on that number would be killed.

So she framed Robbie by tipping us
off about his storage unit,

where she planted all
the bogus evidence.

With Robbie behind bars,

the police withdrew their protection
for our remaining clients.

So ultimately, this whole thing was
caused by your cheapness?

I think the universe is trying to
tell you something, Gently.

Well, you could also argue that his
cheapness saved us this evening.

If he'd paid his plumber,

then there'd be no hole in the floor
and we wouldn't be alive.

You two deserve each other.

Thanks.

You're welcome. He's an arse.

I'm sorry that things didn't work
out with you and Melinda.

Ah, plenty more clients in
the sea, Macduff.

Speaking of which...

What's that?

It came this morning.

A series of bizarre frauds have been
committed by a man

with extreme body odour.

I suspect him
of using pheromonal influence.

Pheromonal what-what?

Oh, come on, Macduff, you must be
aware of the power of pheromones.

It's why CEOs of Fortune 500
companies don't wash.

You're making this up!

It's scientific fact. An unwashed
armpit can make all the difference

anywhere from a back alley
knife fight

to a high-powered board meeting.

It just gives you that
little extra edge.

That certainly explains your
personal hygiene.

It's not odour, Macduff.
This is armour.

It's certainly strong,
I'll give you that.