Dirk Gently (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 0 - Pilot - full transcript

As I explained when we spoke on the
phone, my methods of detection

are based on an almost
unswerving belief

in the fundamental interconnectedness
of all things.

As anyone who follows the principles
of quantum mechanics

to their logical extremes
cannot help but accept.

Ah, it's lovely tea. Thank you.

My methods

invariably necessitate a variety of
expenses that, to the untrained eye,

may appear somewhat tangential.

I assure you these
expenses are essential

and non-negotiable and payable
in advance, naturally.



I see you're charging me for the
purchase of a new refrigerator.

I no longer have access
to my old refrigerator.

Whatever it takes, Mr Gently.

I just want you to find
Henry and bring him home again.

I can't tell you how worried I am.

He's all I have!

This is what I do, Mrs Jordan.

It is, as the French say,
my raison d'etre.

It would be useful to have
a recent photograph

for identification purposes.

Oh.
Ah. This was taken last Christmas.

A hat rather suits him.

Mrs Jordan, Dirk Gently.

I was wondering if you'd be
so good as to provide me



with your neighbour's
telephone number.

'Hi. This is Susan.
Leave a message after the beep.'

'Pick up the phone.

'Pick... Up... The... Phone!'

'Rule one of housebreaking,

'never answer the phone when
you're in the middle of a job.'

Who is this?

Rule two. Preparation is everything.
Wear gloves, Macduff!

'Your fingerprints will
be all over the house!'

How do you know my name? Who is
this? 'Come over to the window.'

Rule three, never show your
face at the window.

Aw!

Dirk?

What are you doing here?

Well, unlike yourself,
I'm engaged in legitimate business!

Right, no, that's...
I'm not a burglar. I'm, I live here.

With, with Susan Harmison.

She was at university with us.

Was she a great big fat
girl with a lazy eye?

No, she's my girlfriend. Susan!

You remember. This is her house.

You make a habit of stealing
from your girlfriends?

No, I'm not stealing. That...

Cos I wasn't in... This is not a...

I sent her an email.

So perfect! Everything. You're
such a cold, heartless, smug bitch!

If she thinks her laptop has
been stolen then maybe I can...

hack into her account and delete
the email before she reads it.

Oh, you'll have to let me know
if I can be of any assistance.

My fees are almost
ridiculously modest.

You're a detective.

Your neighbour Mrs Jordan

has retained my services
to help locate her cat.

Right. OK. Yeah, no,
I heard he was missing.

You don't by any chance
know where he is, do you?

Looked around the warehouse?

I haven't seen you
since we left university.

That is... Incredible.

I suspect our meeting like this
will prove to be more significant

than either of us
can possibly imagine.

Are you breaking in?

Should you be going in there?

Dirk?

Dirk?

What is this place?

'Incorrect access code.

'Security violation.

'Operating station will explode
in 20 seconds.' Explo... '20.'

Did she... '19. 18. 17.' She just
said this place will explode?

'16. 15. 14.' OK, that's...
Can we, can we get out, please?

'13.' She's bluffing. '12. 11.'

Run!

'Nine. Eight. Seven.

'Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.'

Argh! Argh!

Ah. Oh. Ah. Ah.

It's very good to see you
again, Richard Macduff. Ah.

Woh.

It was probably drug addicts,
kids, you know?

Smacked out and
cracked up on crack and smack.

'The warehouse was owned by
entrepreneur Gordon Way.

'The billionaire inventor was
reported missing on Friday evening

'and is now feared to
have died in the blast.

'Inspector Gilks, can you confirm
whether a body has been found?'

Not at this time. The fire service
is still searching the building.

What I can say is that
we are launching

a missing person's inquiry.

'So, there will be an
announcement made...'

What are you doing today? Ah,
don't, don't start all that again.

I'm not starting anything! I was
just asking! Well, don't just ask!

I don't care that
you haven't got a job.

I don't care that you sit
at home all day watching TV.

I don't even care that you've
stopped taking regular showers.

You can do whatever you want,
so long as it makes you happy.

But it obviously doesn't.

I'll see you tonight.

'Hi, this is Gordon.
Please leave a message.'

Gordon, it's Susan.

You were on the news.
They said you were missing!

What were you doing at the
warehouse at the end of my street?

Just...let me know you're OK.
Call me.

Did you hear the explosion?

No. I was out last night.

Any sign of Henry?

No.
I've hired a detective to find him.

Hi.

Looking for Dirk. Is he in?

He might be.
Then again he might not be.

Until he pays my wages, his
whereabouts is no longer my concern.

Is that Macduff? Send him in.

Give him this.

Did my assistant offer you tea?

Um, I think you no longer
have an assistant.

Make yourself comfortable, Macduff!

I always wondered
what happened to you!

University said you'd
been expelled for cheating!

Yes, I understand that was
the official explanation.

I wouldn't choose
to believe it myself.

So what exactly is a
holistic detective?

The term refers to my methods,
in that they are holistic,

and, in the proper sense of the word,
chaotic.

I operate by investigating

the fundamental interconnectedness
between all things.

Right.

Does that work?

Unquestionably. The thing that
most people fail to appreciate

is that the connections between cause
and effect is invariably much

more subtle and complex than
most people would naturally suppose.

Take the circumstances
of our meeting last night.

The missing cat,
the exploding warehouse.

No doubt you're still clinging
to the misguided belief

that it was all just a coincidence.
Well, it was, wasn't it?

And yet here you sit with Ms
Harmison's laptop computer

tucked under your arm,
which no doubt means

you require my assistance
in hacking into her email account.

Come with me, Macduff!

Oh.

I only came back to
make sure you notice me

when I finally leave for good.

Perhaps you'd be so kind as
to place a stationery order.

I believe we're out of Post-It notes.

Ah, my refrigerator! Excellent!

Straight up to the top floor
if you will! Nice fridge.

My cleaner has padlocked
the fridge in my flat.

We're engaged in a stand-off
from which neither of us

is prepared to back down.
It is the cold war writ small.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, is... This is the same
car you drove at university!

The Princess has proved herself
a loyal and faithful servant.

Can't believe you're
still driving this thing.

I think you'll find all good
detectives drive classic cars.

I'm not sure an Austin
Leyland Princess

quite counts as a classic, but...

So, how on earth did you end up
becoming a private detective?

Have you heard of Schrodinger's cat?

Should I have?
It's an experiment devised by

the eminent Doctor Schrodinger
to investigate probability.

I'm guessing it involves a cat.

Yeah. You take said cat and you
place it in a sealed box,

along with a small lump
of radioactive material

and a phial of mildly poisonous gas.

Within a given period of time
there's an exactly 50:50 chance

that an atom in the radioactive lump
will decay and emit an electron,

triggering the release of the gas,
rendering the cat unconscious.

Is that even ethical?
Some would say not.

Anyhow, on one occasion,
Doctor Schrodinger and his colleagues

opened the box and discovered that
the cat was neither conscious,

nor unconscious, but was, in fact...

Completely...

Missing.

I was called in to investigate.
I was quickly able to deduce

that the cat had merely got fed up

with repeatedly being locked in a box
and occasionally gassed

and had taken the first opportunity
to hoof it out the window.

Bernice! Hey.

That was the cat's name.

Bernice came running and was restored
to the box that very afternoon.

One thing led to another

and it all culminated in the thriving
career you see before you.

Gentleman needs to access his
girlfriend's email account.

Give me ten minutes.

Oh! No! Hey! Where are you going?

Relax, Macduff, he's a professional!
He's a ten-year-old!

200 of your cheapest
cigarettes, please.

That'll be £50.00, my friend!

I seem to have left my
wallet at the office.

We'll offset the cost
against your account.

How much is this
actually going to cost me?

I'm surprised at you, Macduff! What
price would you place on saving

your relationship from ending in a
black sea of acrimony and despair?

We'll be needing a
newspaper as well, Macduff.

It transpires the exploding warehouse
we encountered shortly after our

meeting is in fact, the property of
the missing billionaire Gordon Way!

His car was found parked outside.

Told you we shouldn't
have gone in there.

Yet because we did, we now know
that Gordon Way was not, in fact,

inside the warehouse
when it exploded.

Do you think we should
talk to the police?

As any Irishman will tell you
when things start exploding,

it's best to avoid
the police at all costs.

I took the liberty
of updating your virus protection.

It's connected to
the school's Wi-Fi.

You'll find your girlfriend's
email account is already open.

Excellent work.

Hey, what you...
Are you paying him in cigarettes?

Surely we're all allowed
some pleasures, Macduff.

Delete at will. She hasn't read it.

Thank you. I shall return to my
office so I can prepare your invoice.

There's an email from Gordon Way.

Why is Gordon Way emailing Susan?

Presumably for the same reason
the missing billionaire

owns a warehouse next door
but one to her house!

Would you also propose to dismiss
this as mere coincidence?

She's never said she knows him.

Don't you get it?

The circumstances of our
meeting, the exploding warehouse,

Gordon Way's disappearance,

these are all part of a web of events
connected by a common thread!

Discovering this thread will
unavoidably lead us to determine

the whereabouts of Henry the cat!
I'm sorry, but is a missing cat

really the most important
issue right now?

It is the issue I have been
retained to investigate.

So, from a professional and, more
importantly, financial point of view,

I'd have to say yes!
Yes, the cat is the issue!

I'm not sure I want to
get involved in all this.

You are already involved, Macduff,

and to a greater degree than
you can possibly comprehend.

Are you not at all curious

as to why Gordon Way has been
emailing your girlfriend?

Of course I'm curious! Then we must
immerse ourselves in Gordon's life

and rifle through its contents. Now,
it seems a Doctor Gerstenberger

was the last person to see Gordon
Way! We must track him down.

Right.
And how are we going to do that?

I suppose we're going to follow
the web of interconnected events.

Don't be ridiculous. I'm going
to phone Directory Enquiries.

Do you not find it at all curious

that both Gordon Way and Henry the
cat disappeared on the same day?

What, you think Gordon Way is
somehow involved with Henry?

I know nothing of Gordon Way's sexual
proclivities, feline or otherwise.

Let us hope Doctor Gerstenberger
can shed some light on the matter.

What are you doing?

You need to lie on the grass.

What?

Right here. Place yourself
on the grass, like this.

I'm not lying on the grass! Why not?

Because I don't... I'm not!

Gordon Way was seeing a therapist,

whose files,
if we can gain access to them,

I'm certain
will contain pertinent or,

at the very least,
gossip-worthy material.

OK. What has that got to do
with me lying on the grass?

Do you wish to know the nature

of Gordon Way's intentions
towards your girlfriend or not?

Then I would kindly ask you
to prostrate yourself

on the grass.

This is ridiculous.

Right, now don't move.
Not a single muscle, understood?

What am I doing?

No-one knows who I am!

Do you know who I am? Do you know me?

No! Do you?

I'm right here!

Gerstenberger!
Where are you, Gerstenberger?

You can't go in there!
They don't know who I am!

They don't have any idea!

You, you of all people,
tell me you know who I am!

Are you a patient?

He doesn't know who I am!
I'm sorry. He just burst in.

This is my face!

It's OK, I can handle this.

It's fine, just close the door.

Why don't you start
by telling me your name?

The time for names has come and gone
and come and gone again.

Names no longer matter.

What are you doing? Don't!
Goodbye, cruel world!

No!

Call an ambulance!

Jesus, no.

Hello.

Who the hell are you?

No-one.

OK. Have a nice day.

Oh, what is up with these gears?
It's like playing Russian roulette.

Anything interesting?

There's no reference to any
inappropriate feelings toward cats,

or indeed any other animals.

It would appear any feelings of a
sexual nature Gordon Way may have had

were exclusively directed
towards your girlfriend.

He mentioned Susan?
What does it say?

A brief, but illuminating extract.

"The patient is obsessively fixated
on a Miss Susan Harmison,

"with whom he had
a relationship at university.

"The relationship ended in 1994,
but the patient remains consumed

"by overwhelming feelings
of loss and regret."

Wait, she went out with Gordon Way?

She's never even mentioned him!

Oh, they met at a hotel last week.

Might I suggest
we adjourn to the pub?

He is completely obsessed with her.

Think she's sleeping with him?

We must consider the facts.

They have been meeting illicitly.

Miss Harmison has lied to you
about said liaisons.

Gordon Way is a billionaire!

Even as a confirmed heterosexual

I'd have to say
he's an extremely attractive man.

You, on the other hand,
you look like him.

Thanks.
Makes me feel so much better.

Perhaps it would be productive
if I were to speak to Ms Harmison.

No, Dirk! No. I thought she might be
of assistance in helping discover

the whereabouts of Henry the cat.

I'm sorry. I can't
believe this is happening, Dirk!

As much as I'd like to stay
and help you drown your sorrows,

I have some errands to run.

Your friend said
you'd pay for the drinks.

'The next patient is on their way
to you, Doctor Harmison.'

And what can I do for you?

Susan! Susan Harmison!

It's Dirk Gently!
We were at university together!

Oh, my God!

What an amazing coincidence!

I thought you were dead!

I understand that rumour
was popular in certain circles.

So what can I do for you?

Oh, well, I seem to have developed
a slight twinge in my shoulder.

I see!

If you could just lower
your trousers and pants.

You, you understand the twinge
is in my shoulder?

That's the thing
with the human body.

Everything's connected.

Right.

Place your hands on the bed.

OK.

I thought you might be here
to talk to me about Ruth's cat.

Yeah, she told me
that she'd hired you.

I couldn't believe
it was actually you!

Well, I take it that
that's why you're here?

Oh, yeah, I'll just...

Dirk, I have a waiting room
full of patients.

I don't have time for your bullshit.

I was hoping
I might talk to you about...

Gordon Way.

Did you ever see
Henry and Gordon together?

Henry's a cat. What on earth
would they be doing together?

That's what I'm hoping to find out.

May I ask what happened
when you saw Gordon last week?

He asked me to marry him.

Marry me.

He's been asking me every couple
of years since we left university.

And your response
to his heartfelt proposal?

I said what I've always said.

We had our chance. You blew it.

How did he take it?

Not well. He never did.

The night I said I'd meet you,

I should have been there.

What night was he referring to?

It was the night we split up.

Even back then Gordon was obsessed
with computers and technology.

He didn't have time
in his life for me.

If you're not at my house
at eight o'clock it's over.

We're finished!

I'll be there!

I promise!

Am I to understand
that he didn't show up?

He made up some ridiculous story

about how he was on his way
to see me when he was hit by a car.

Yeah, there was always some excuse.

I have on occasion
used that one myself.

Well, I was too angry
to forgive him.

You know what you're like
at that age.

It WAS my birthday.

So, you'll remember the exact date?

It was third year of university,

so it will have been
the 5th of December, 1994.

And where was Gordon
supposed to meet you?

I was living with my parents.

I live there now.
I moved back after my dad died.

Next door but one to the warehouse!

Did you know
Gordon owned the warehouse?

No! No, he never told me!

What was he using it for?

Perhaps one can see into
your bathroom from its roof.

Here you are, Mr Gently.

Tea. Excellent.

Lovely photograph
of you and Henry, Mrs Jordan.

Oh, that's not Henry, that's George!

I said I wouldn't get another cat
when George died.

One day I was passing a pet shop

and I saw the sweetest
little kitten in the window.

He reminded me so of George
I couldn't resist.

And that was Henry?

Yes.

Anything wrong, Mrs Jordan?

Oh, yes. It's just my medication.

I sincerely hope it's nothing
that will impede you in any way

before this case is brought
to a satisfactory conclusion,

the i's dotted,
the t's crossed and the...

..invoice paid?

I believe I still have some
life left in me, Mr Gently.

Well, I'm most deliriously happy
to hear that, Mrs Jordan.

So, may I ask how it was that George
came into your life?

Oh.

One day he just came
running into the house.

Ah. Where did you come from?

I put up posters
and asked all the neighbours.

I never found his owners.

He seemed happy here, so I kept him.

He was with me until 2006,

and he's buried under
the rose bush in the back garden.

So, when was this
that George appeared?

Well, I can probably
tell you the date.

May I enquire as to the identity
of the gentleman

with the bouffant moustache?

Oh, that was my husband, Harry.

I take it he is sadly
no longer with us.

I have no idea!

He walked out on me soon after
that photograph was taken.

I find men with moustaches to be
particularly dishonourable beings.

Hitler, Tom Selleck,
being cases in point.

This was taken the day he came
into the house, 5th December 1994.

The same date

Susan and Gordon split up.

Interesting.

Did you ever happen
to see this gentleman

coming and going
from the warehouse next door?

No, I've never seen him before.

You said he knows Susan?

Susan and Gordon Way were involved
with each other at university.

You think he has something
to do with Henry going missing?

I'd say yes, in that every particle
in the universe affects,

however faintly and obliquely,
every other particle.

I find this to be particularly true

when those particles are arranged
in the form of a cat. May I?

Oh. Yes, of course.

So how's Gordon Way?

Have you seen him lately?

Yes.

And how was the hotel?
Was that nice? Comfy beds?

Monsoon shower?

We had coffee.

Right, you had coffee.

Meaning you had "coffee"?

I mean, we had coffee.

OK. Just coffee.
Like milk and two sugars coffee?

Little amaretti biscuit?

Have you been talking to Dirk?

Have you been talking to Dirk?

Are you sleeping with Gordon Way?

Is that what do you think of me?
Just answer the bloody question!

I have tried to make you happy.
I've tried!

I have really tried, but...
I don't know what you want from me!

I need a reason
for us to be together.

No, don't...

You don't get
to blame me for this, OK?

You don't end this, I do!

You should know I sent you an email.

Cold, heartless, smug bitch!

I got in first! I ended this! Me!

Can you just go, please?

Please, just go!

Detective Inspector Gilks!

What a pleasant
and unexpected surprise.

Why are you even in the vicinity
of one of my crime scenes, Gently?

And think very carefully
before you answer, because...

if you so much as mention the
interconnectedness of all things,

I'll have you arrested
under the anti-terror laws.

Actually, I'm looking for a cat!

So me and Susan, it's all over.

Sorry to hear that. You'll find ice
in the freezer compartment.

She said nothing at all happened
between her and Gordon Way.

I'm supposed to believe that.

You should believe it, Macduff.

The hotel manager has confirmed
Ms Harmison's account of events.

She met Gordon Way in the restaurant,

he had a cappuccino,
Miss Harmison a latte,

they had a brief conversation,
and went their separate ways.

But I, I...

I accused her of cheating!

Ah, to the contrary, Macduff,

I am led to believe

Ms Harmison has repeatedly
rejected Gordon Way's advances.

She's a keeper, Macduff!

I am such a screw-up.

Come on, Macduff, buck up.
Things can't be that bad.

I'm single, I'm homeless,
I'm unemployed...

You're unemployed?

Really? I had assumed
you were a veterinarian!

I was a business analyst
for a power company.

I was made redundant six months ago.

A perfect example
of interconnectedness.

An obese American
fails to pay his mortgage,

the ripples cross the ocean,

you are cast onto the slagheap
of the long-term unemployed.

Is all that
meant to make me feel better?

How are you managing? Hmm?

I mean, financially.

There was a very generous
redundancy package.

Was there? Yeah. Mmm.

Mmm.

Well, Macduff, we must ensure

you do not fritter it away
on some indulgent whim.

I see you've been busy.

Yeah,
it's a chronological timeline

of all salient events
and occurrences.

We must look for the solution
in the connection between them.

Do you remember what you were doing
on the 5th of December, 1994?

Not a clue.

I don't know, do I? 1994?!

I suppose
I would have been at university.

Richard Macduff.

Yes?

When a series
of highly peculiar events occur

surrounding a particular person,

we must consider the possibility
that this person is, in fact,

the connection!

I believe you, Macduff, hold the key
to finding Henry the cat!

Me? I would suggest you allow me
to hypnotise you.

You think I'm going
to let you hypnotise me?

I'm not some gullible old woman.

You won't con me
into buying you a new fridge.

I have one, I've no need of another.

What do you possibly
hope to uncover?

You hold vital information

behind the locked door
of your unconsciousness.

We need to smash the door open
and retrieve it!

I don't trust hypnosis!
You could make me do anything!

Oh, get a grip, Macduff!

This isn't freshers' week
at the Students' Union!

I'm not going to make you
dance around like Elvis

and have sex with a watermelon!

Are you not at all curious
as to the sequence of events

that led you to your present nadir?

How does it all work?

Relax your body.

Keep looking at the spoon.

You are feeling sleepy.

I'm not going to...

It's the 5th of December, 1994.

What's your most vivid memory
from that day?

I'm shouting at someone.

It was you, Dirk. It was you!
You told me you were clairvoyant.

Said you could predict
all the questions in the exam.

Every one was wrong.

Dirk?

I want my money back, Dirk!
I want my money back, Dirk.

Stop the car, Dirk! Stop the car!

Ugh!

Oh!

'It was Gordon Way!'

You reversed into him!

Did I?

Oh! Don't just stand there,
Macduff, help the man!

Oh! Open your mind, Macduff.

When you come round,

you will disregard your doubts,

seeing it as a sensible
and lucrative business opportunity.

It was Gordon Way.

You reversed into him.

I believe you can still see
the dent in the Princess.

That Gordon was carrying flowers
would suggest that he was, in fact,

on his way to meeting Susan.

It appears we have two key
dates -

the 5th of December, 1994
and the 29th of October, 2010.

That's it!

Of course!

Of course that's what you'd do!

What?

You know where he is?

Why did nothing change?
Something...something went wrong.

A cat appears. A husband disappears.

Do you mind telling me
what's going on?

You know, we make a good team,
Macduff. Do we?

The way we bounce ideas
off one another.

We're like a single amorphous
organism but with two brains.

Yeah. Except one brain
doesn't want

to tell the
other brain what's going on!

I've been looking
for someone like you.

Someone with a raw, natural talent.

You should think about coming
into business with me.

That's not a bad idea.
Gently in, Macduff. Think about it.

But first, I need you to phone Susan.

Find out if she knows anything
about Mrs Jordan's husband.

No, no, no, I can't! I can't!
I accused her of cheating!

If you are to become
my business partner, Macduff,

you've got
to start showing some backbone!

Hello? 'Susan, it's me.

'Listen, don't hang up,
it's important. I'm with Dirk.'

I need to ask you about Ruth.

Do you remember her husband?

Big bouffant moustache.

Right.

OK, do you know
what happened to him?

He walked out on Ruth years ago.

Look, I'm on my way round to see
her. I'll get her to call Dirk.

Is that it?

Yeah.

That may have been a good opportunity
to say something to the girl.

She doesn't know anything.

She's on her way round to Ruth's.
She's going to get her to call you.

She's going to see Mrs Jordan?

Yeah. What?
I fear Susan may be in grave danger.

What, from little old Ruth?
Well, perhaps "grave" is pushing it.

I fear Susan may be in
an indeterminate amount of danger.

That's still dangerous.
Indeterminately so.

Come on, you beautiful bitch!

He's so unhappy. But...

he won't talk about it.

I think...
he blames me for losing his job!

Men can be pricks.

I really miss him.

Oh, Richard called me
just before I came round.

Dirk was asking about your husband.

Why was he asking about Harry?

God knows.

I know it's none
of my business, but...

Dirk's a conman. He always has been.

Mr Gently tells me you were involved
with Gordon Way at university.

I read about him in the newspaper.

Mmm. He's missing.

Is everything all right, Ruth?

I'll go.

Are you OK? Why? Shouldn't I be?

Well, I...

Not, not, not really sure.

Mrs Jordan,

I believe I've established
the whereabouts of Henry the cat!

Any time you're ready, Dirk!

Five sugars, Mrs Jordan, thank you.

Let me take you back to 1994.

A momentous year.

Nelson Mandela was elected
President of South Africa.

The Channel Tunnel opened.

East 17 were riding
high in the charts.

East 17?

A series of events was to unfold that
would dramatically alter the lives

of every single person in this room.

The 5th of December of that year.

Gordon Way is hurrying to meet
his then girlfriend, Miss Harmison,

when he is, unfortunately, prevented
from reaching his destination.

Because Dirk reversed
his car into him!

Stop the car!

It was true!

Your subsequent rejection was
a cruel and devastating blow,

from which
Gordon never fully recovered.

So, he set about building
a time machine.

In the warehouse next door.

Myself and Macduff stumbled across
it, and the time machine was no more.

A time machine?

Oh, this is crap.

Please don't tell me
YOU believe this.

As you repeatedly told
Gordon over the years,

travelling back in time represented
his only chance of winning you back.

We had our chance.

And you blew it. It's too late.

You're actually insane, aren't you?
Am I?

On 29th of October of this year,

Gordon Way prepared
to travel back in time.

'Sequence initiated.'

But Gordon wasn't alone in the
warehouse. He had company! Henry.

You think Henry may have
travelled through time, Mr Gently?

Indeed I do, Mrs Jordan.

And I believe time travel must be
terrifying and disorientating,

particularly for a cat.

When Henry reappeared
on the timeline in 1994,

it's only natural he'd head for
somewhere he felt safe. He ran home.

Oh.

Ah, where did you come from?

You think that was Henry? That is
until you renamed him George!

It was the same cat?

Dirk, this isn't funny.
..He's making it up.

No. They were so alike,
their mannerisms in every way.

They were the same cat.

I'm sure they were! Ruth, no!

Henry isn't missing. He never was.

He's always been here with you.

Henry was born in 2007
and he died in 2006.

He had 14 happy years in between.

Henry's under the rose bush
in the back garden,

exactly where you buried him.

I couldn't bear the thought of him
out there somewhere on his own.

I can't tell you how much
this means to me.

Thank you, Mr Gently.

Aw, you are so welcome.

I believe you'll find the bill for
my services distressingly modest.

Don't you dare!

Ruth, I'm sorry, he's lying!

Oh, I believe him.

Let me find my cheque book.

OK.

I am curious about one thing,
Mrs Jordan.

What caused you
to murder your husband?

You are leaving!
You're mentally deranged!

He was an abusive,
unpleasant bastard, Mr Gently.

And on this particular occasion,
he was an abusive, unpleasant

bastard to George,
or should I call him Henry?

Whichever he was.

He was mean to my cat!

Come here, you little shit.
Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Probably crawling with fleas, yeah.

Don't you dare hurt him!

Let him go, Harry!

Let him go!

Of course, at this moment,
Gordon was hurrying to Susan's house.

Is everything OK?

Is he...?

I panicked!
I didn't mean to kill him!

When you showed me the photograph
of Gordon Way in the newspaper,

I couldn't believe my eyes.
Oh, I must have missed that.

So, it appears we have
established the final resting place

of Gordon Way, for which,
no doubt, I won't be rewarded.

Ruth, it can't have been Gordon.

It can't.

You must be confused.
It's impossible.

Oh. Susan has a point, Mr Gently.

I doubt anybody would believe it!

You can't prove any of this!

And besides,
all of you will soon be dead.

Your tea is laced with a cocktail
of paracetamol, sleeping pills

and beta-blockers.

Extremely lethal, I would imagine.

Oh, my God. Ruth, how could you?

I have no intention
of seeing out my days in prison.

We need to get to a hospital.

We should take Susan's car!

Ha-ho! Ye of little faith, Macduff!

Oh!

I'm sorry. I know you weren't
sleeping with Gordon Way.

I should have trusted you.
It's not you, it's me.

It's confidence. I couldn't imagine
why someone like you would want

to be with me,
and you're everything.

And if we get through this,
I will fix it, I will.

I'll get a job, I'll stop being
so bloody miserable and I'll take

a shower every day, twice a day, and
I won't leave my pants everywhere...

Gilks, it's Dirk Gently.

I want to report a most heinous
crime. I have been poisoned!

It's no laughing matter, Gilks!

A devious, evil bitch,
that's who did it!

We've completed a full range
of tox screens.

We couldn't find any trace
of any drugs of any kind.

Why did you think
you'd been poisoned?

Let them in!

Jesus, no! So, is this your
"devious, evil bitch", Gently?

Apparently not, as in
we weren't, in fact, poisoned.

Well, it's clearly an overdose.

Do you want to tell me why she
might want to take her own life?

Whatever her reasons were, I was
not privy to them. You did this.

You told her that Henry
wasn't coming back.

He was all she had to live for!

I believe I told her
Henry was already back.

That is crap, and you know it.
Who's Henry?

He was her cat.

She was lonely and vulnerable,
and you exploited her,

you heartless shit!

My explanation of events may,
to you, seem...

You really have a way
with people, don't you, Gently?

Did the deceased, by any chance,
leave a cheque for me?

Get out. Have you looked?

Oh... All right! Out.

I'm going!

I know this sounds
a little bit left field, but...

I'm excited.

I've got a really, really...
I've got a good feeling.

I've invested my redundancy money
into Dirk's detective agency.

Now, I've negotiated
a really good deal.

The agency makes a healthy profit.

Dirk drives a 30-year-old
Austin Leyland Princess!

Yeah, no, but, no,
he's showed me the accounts!

He showed you some bits of
paper with numbers written on,

and you gave him 20 grand!
Are you out of your mind?

No, it seemed like a...
It's a good idea!

He suggested it right
after he hypnotised me, and I...

Dirk hypnotised you, and you
suddenly think it's a great idea

to go into business with him?

Oh, my God.

I'm not saying any more.
It's your money!

I'm going next door
to sort out Ruth's things.

Ah.

Janice, hello, it's Richard Macduff.
Is Dirk there?

What do you mean
he's out the country?

'Gordon, it's Susan.'

You were on the news!
They said you were missing!

What were you doing at the
warehouse at the end of my street?

'Just let me know you're OK.
Call me.'

"Stay Another Day"
by East 17

No, his name is Dirk Gently.
He's a guest at the hotel.

Hello? Dirk! Dirk, it's Richard!

Yeah. No, look, I've changed my
mind about investing in the agency.

I want my money back.

I'm afraid that won't be possible,

on account that the money
is no longer in my possession.

What, none of it? What...?

Expenses? What expenses?

A most intriguing case, Macduff.

I have plotted and triangulated the
vectors of all the various events

and occurrences and traced them
to a five-star hotel in Barbados!