Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 3, Episode 8 - License to Parent - full transcript
When Earl loses his temper at the baby, he also loses his parenting license. When he flunks the test to get it back, the parenting police move in the house and monitor how Fran parents the kids by herself.
- We're going now, Earl.
- Uh-huh.
I'm picking up Charlene's
dry cleaning,
then I'm going to the pediatrician,
but I should be back in time
to take Robbie to soccer practice.
[grunts]
And then I'm going to take off
all my clothes
- and dance naked in the driveway.
- Hmm, that's nice, dear.
I want to dance naked.
Earl, do you have to spend every
spare second reading that manual?
It's just a car.
Frannie, you are such a female.
First of all, it's a brand-new car,
and as such it is a reflection
of who [ am.
It is a bulky,
bottom-of-the-line fuel guzzler
with no pickup, no options,
and it's completely owned by the bank.
[grunts] Love you, too.
- I don't know why I bother with him.
- Me neither.
- Up we go.
- Careful.
So, Dad, when do I get
to take her for a spin?
It's a brand-new car, son.
It's not meant to be driven.
[scoffs] You just let Mom take it.
Son, your mother is a capable,
responsible...
- [engine starting, revving]
- What?
- [tires screeching]
- [gasps] Wait for me!
- Ooh.
- [giggles]
Where are we going?
Your father is driving us to the doctor.
Doctor? Uh-uh, no way, not going!
- Turn around!
- How about a cupcake?
- Hmm?
- Ooh.
Cupcake! Gimme, gimme.
Hey, you're giving the kid
a cupcake in a new car?
- Mama, gimme...
- What are you thinking about?
Him. He gets a little nervous
when I take him to the pediatrician
so I'm trying to make the whole
experience a little more positive.
- It's called parenting, Earl.
- Oh, please!
I've been parenting for 15 years.
No one has to tell me
how to be a good dad.
You get one crumb on that seat
and you're crawling home, buster.
- Very nurturing.
- [humming]
[Fran sighs]
Whoa! All right, there's a crumb.
That's it.
- Give it to me right now.
- No.
- Come on, hand it over.
- No!
- Give it to me. Come on.
- No, no, no! It's mine, mine!
- Give me that cupcake!
- Whoa!
- My car!
- My cupcake!
- Watch the road!
- I can only do one thing at a time!
- My cupcake! Gimme!
- Look out!
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
[panting]
[panting]
Happy now?
You nearly got us all stepped on.
Gimme my cupcake!
What cupcake?
[crying]
Earl, that was horrible.
- Actually, it's quite moist.
- [Baby screaming]
Oh, quit faking or I'll give you
something to really cry about.
- [screaming]
- [siren wailing]
Oh, great. This is great.
- This is just what I need.
- [crying]
Cut that out. [clears throat]
Hello, officer.
Any problem?
- License, please.
- Certainly.
- [humming]
- [nervous chuckle]
Not your driver's license,
your parent's license.
I'm with the Parent Patrol,
and you're in a lot of trouble, mister.
Honey, I'm home.
Aaah!
- Ohh!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ooh!
[chuckling] Aah!
Well, Earl, see what happens
when you lose your temper?
Oh, please. He's just the Parent Patrol.
- It's not like he's the real police.
- Beg your pardon?
Oh, uh, nothing.
So, what's the problem, officer?
Did I stop in a no diapering zone?
Parent Code section seven,
paragraph three.
A crying child must be handled
with sympathy and patience.
You were screaming at the boy,
Mr. Sinclair.
I'm giving you a citation.
- Huh?
- Just like the real police.
[laughing]
We're very sorry, officer.
It won't happen again.
- Uh-huh.
- Now, now, now...
Wait a second.
Surely we can talk about this.
After all, this is
kind of a coincidence.
A coincidence? How?
Well, that ticket has my name on it,
and I do believe that
this crisp one dollar bill
has your name on it.
Wouldn't you call that coincidence?
No. I would call that
a cheap attempt at bribery.
What if it was a five?
- [Fran sighing] Earl.
- Oh, smoo.
Uh-huh.
What?! Oh, come on, you're not
giving me another ticket!
Section nine, paragraph four:
Setting a bad moral example
for a child.
One more violation and you're gonna
lose your parent's license.
- Really?
- No one's talking to you.
He took my cupcake
and ate it right in front of me!
- Shh!
- That should do it.
- What?
- Your parent's license is suspended
pending recertification
at parenting school.
[groaning]
Here's a copy of your
parenting manual. Study it.
Know it. Be prepared to be tested
on it tomorrow at 8:00 AM.
But I can't.
I'm going fishing tomorrow.
- Fishing, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it looks like you just hooked
yourself a whole lot of trouble.
Are we there yet?
[male] So what'd they nail you for, huh?
Just yelling at the kid. You?
Missed a diaper change.
Boy, you let one lousy week go by,
they jump down your throat.
Yeah. Well, the whole system stinks,
if you ask me.
I mean, you don't need a license
to go fishing or own a gun.
But being a parent?
For that you need a license.
Go figure.
Well, I'm not gonna get
hauled in here again.
I read this parent manual
cover to cover.
Yeah, me too.
I was up all night cramming.
Um, how about you, pal?
Oh, please. I spent 15 years
raising three kids.
The only thing I'd use that manual
for is to whack their butts.
Good morning, parents. Would you
take your places, please?
[murmuring]
I'm Officer Brazelton.
I'm the official examiner here
and a skilled father of four.
And I'm very disappointed
in all of you.
- [groaning]
- [Baby laughing]
But I believe there is no such thing
as a bad parent,
- only bad parenting.
- Yeah.
And I'm sure all of you can earn
your licenses back
by simply applying what you've learned
from studying the manual.
Now, we're going to begin
by simulating a series
of actual parenting situations.
- Oh, boy.
- For our first test...
- [gasp]
- ..we're going to pretend
that your child has had
a little accident.
[gasps] Hey!
Now, how do you handle it?
Hmm, let's see now.
It's OK, son. You're a good boy.
You just did a bad thing.
Oh. I love you, Papa.
- [chuckling]
- Aww.
Ah, very good.
Textbook response.
Um, if we make a mess,
I have to... Yeah, that's it,
yeah, clean it up.
That's it.
Uh, let's do it together, OK?
Excellent. Very supportive.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Sure.
Hmm.
- Ick.
- Well, son,
it looks like you had a little accident.
- You're gonna yell at me?
- Of course not, son.
- Oh.
- My heart is filled only with love.
Ah.
[chuckles]
An unconditional love.
A love that loves not in spite
of your little mistakes
but because of them.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Well, love this!
- Aah!
[laughing]
That's it, you little pink monster!
- I'm gonna wring your neck!
- What the...?
Uh-uh-uh!
Hmm.
- [nervous chuckling]
- [laughing]
Hello, I'm Dr. Brazelton,
and I have to give your child
a very scary and painful shot.
- Huh? [whimpers]
- Aw, tell you what, pal,
when the doctor's done,
how about we go to the park
and ride on the merry-go-round?
OK, Papa, I'll be brave.
[both chuckling]
OK, now, remember,
the doctor is our friend.
[Earl] But there was
this one little boy
who wouldn't let the doctor
give him a shot.
- And you know what happened to him?
- [whimpering] Uh-uh.
His toes fell off, his eyes melted
and his head swelled up!
[gasps]
OK, doc, he's out. Stick him.
- [mimics machine gun]
- [crying]
[gasps]
- [crying]
- [Earl] Pow, pow, pow!
Mr. Sinclair, what are you doing?
Well, he told me his imaginary
friend was scaring him,
so I took out my imaginary gun
and blew off his imaginary head.
You killed him!
You killed Snooky!
- [crying]
- Hey, your daddy fixed it.
- He's stone dead.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
Huh? Pretty good.
Just came up
with a little improvisation.
Mr. Sinclair, normally for such a
reprehensible display I deduct points.
- But you don't have any!
- Oh.
- Points are good?
- Let me spell it out for you.
You failed. You can take the test
again in 30 days.
Until then, your license is suspended.
And that means absolutely
no parenting! You got me?
Yeah, I got you.
- Now study this.
- Oof!
Maybe it'll teach you some respect
for parent education.
[grunting, chewing]
Respect that.
Earl, I don't think that's a good idea.
Nobody's gonna tell me
when and where I can parent.
This is my house.
These are my kids and I love 'em.
- Hey, Dad?
- Shut up, I'm talking.
Earl! What is it, Robbie?
Well, I was wondering
if I could borrow the car.
- Well, I don't see a...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, I'm still in charge here,
and I say I don't want
your greasy green fingers
- even thinking about my car.
- [officer] Hold it right there.
- Not your decision, Mr. Sinclair.
- What are you doing here?
Me? I've been assigned
to this residence
to make sure you don't parent
without a license.
You can't barge in here like this.
Hey, Dad, now about the car...
- 1 fold you about the car...
- Back away from the teenager, sir.
Mrs. Sinclair here
is the only licensed parent,
so the decision regarding
the use of the car is hers.
Oh. Well...
- All right, you can drive.
- Yes!
But I'll go with you
and we'll take it nice and slow.
- No problem.
- [officer] Hand over the keys...
- Hmm?
- ...Mr. Sinclair.
[grumbling]
Yes! [chuckles] Thanks.
[grunting]
- This is nuts!
- Yeah, pal!
It's nuts, all right.
It's nuts that guys like you
get to be parents,
and it's nuts that I gotta be here
in your face
- until you pass that test.
- [growling]
I believe this belongs to you.
You got 30 days, mister.
Start studying.
I La, la la, la la
La, la, la, Ia, Ia, Ia
JLa, la la la, la, la, la...
Do you mind? I'm trying to study.
[singing louder]
Hey! Stop that right now
- or so help me, I'll...
- Help! Police!
- Help, police! [screams]
- No, no! [stammers]
Mr. Sinclair, you weren't engaged
in any unlicensed parenting,
were you, sir?
- No.
- All right, sir,
but I got my eye on you.
Right. [humming]
Me too.
You're skating on thin ice, buster.
[grunting] My diaper's itchy.
I think I'll... take it off.
Don't you dare.
Nobody gonna stop me.
No parent here, is there?
[humming]
J Boom, boom, boom! J
- [laughing]
- I'm warning you.
I may not be a licensed parent,
but I'm still the adult here.
[whining] And I'm telling.
- Don't you dare! Don't you...
- [laughing]
- 1 told... Junior!
- It's off!
- Fran! Fran!
- What's going on in here?
Will you deal with him?
He's driving me nuts.
Oh, come on, sweetheart,
it's time for your nap.
No, no, no! Not tired, no nap.
- It's nap time.
- No, no, no!
Let me stay up, please?
I'll be good.
Well, all right. I guess another
half hour wouldn't hurt.
- Yeah!
- Let me put your diaper back on.
- OK.
- Hey, hey, wait a second.
It says right here
that very young children
are creatures of habit
and need a consistent nap time.
Earl, I've raised three children.
I've got my own manual right here.
Your husband is right, Mrs. Sinclair.
Section 18, paragraph seven:
An alteration in the sleeping schedule
may actually prove upsetting
and disruptive to the child.
- See?
- Drop the diaper, ma'am,
- and move away from the infant.
- Oh, you must be joking.
Yeah, that's right. It's a joke.
Everything's a big joke to you,
isn't it, ma'am?
Well, here's the punchline.
I'm writing you a ticket.
[gasps]
Fran, you were saying?
Ma'am.
[grunting]
[male] You have insulted my hut.
Now you must pay.
Gee, those kung fu guys
are really irritable, huh, Dad?
Robbie, I thought we agreed,
no TV until your homework is done.
[groans] What difference does it make
if I do it before or after?
- Either way it's gonna get done.
- Turn the TV off, Robert.
[clears throat] Fran,
in this case I believe that letting
Robbie arrange his own schedule
is the best way to go.
After all...
"Teenagers learn to make choices
by having choices."
Seems to me we're denying him
that opportunity to learn and grow.
Don't you agree, Officer Bettelheim?
Looks like it's just not your day,
ma'am.
Your license, please.
Oh, all right.
I guess I could've handled that
differently.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
But I don't see why the manual says
I should enforce some rules
and not others.
Well, it's quite simple.
You have to be selective
to be effective.
Oh, shut up!
[Baby humming]
- Mama, let's play.
- Not now. I have to finish my ironing.
- No, no, wanna help!
- Stop that.
- No, no, no!
- I said stop that!
Can I have the car
tomorrow after school?
- Yes, I suppose.
- Great.
Hold it! You said you'd take me
and Mindy to the mall
- and pick us up.
- Robbie can do that.
- What?
- Mama, look, I'm helping.
[scoffs] No way! I'm not gonna
wait around some stupid mall
- for Wide Load and her dippy friend.
- Then you can't have the car!
- Ha!
- But you just said I could!
Oh, look, I think he's gonna cry.
You gonna cry now, baby?
I'll show you some tears, jerk.
- Will you two stop arguing?
- Mama, look!
- What do you want?! [gasps]
- See?
I just folded those. Bad boy!
[whimpering]
- [crying]
- Oh, stop crying-.
- Here, Mama's...
- Hold it right there, ma'am.
What? I'm just picking him up.
Move away from the child and put
your hands on the ironing board.
Is that really necessary?
Parents like you
make it necessary, ma'am.
You yelled at the infant,
failing to show appropriate restraint.
You were critical of the child
instead of his behavior.
You're once, twice,
three times a loser, lady.
Your license is suspended.
Officer, please,
I'm sorry I lost my temper,
but you can't do this.
I'm the only licensed parent here.
Uh-huh. Not exactly.
I'm fully certified.
I didn't know you had children.
I don't, ma'am. But I wouldn't
need to be father of the year
to do better than some of you
so-called "parents."
- License, please.
- But...
[sighing]
I don't like this, Earl.
We just turned our children
over to complete strangers.
He knows the parent manual
inside out, Fran.
- They're in good hands.
- I just don't believe this.
I always thought I was a good parent.
I always thought parenting
came from here.
So? Now you know
it comes from here.
It's just like with a new car, Fran.
You want to know what to do?
Just read the manual.
Now, children,
I recognize this is an unfamiliar
interpersonal situation,
so perhaps we should have
an informal family dialogue.
- Just line up over here.
- OK.
We'll proceed right to left.
Please state your full name
and share your feelings.
Go ahead, Robert, share with him
what you did to Dad's car.
- Shut up, Charlene.
- Son, something I should know?
- Uh...
- Yeah, yeah, tell him.
Quiet! You don't know
anything about it.
- About what?
- Uh, it's along story.
I like stories, I like 'em just fine.
- Robbie scratched the new car.
- Shut up, Porkenstein.
- What did you call me?
- Porkenstein! I like that.
- I called you... Aah!
- Come here!
Charlene, unhand your brother.
Break it up, missy.
Break it up.
Unhand your brother. Stop it.
- [humming]
- You youngsters are on a road to ruin.
Break it up now! I will not tolerate
any more personal assaults
on Charlene's self-esteem.
- Self-esteem? She has no...
- Give me that back, you!
- Give it to me!
- Oh, Officer Bettelheim.
- What?!
- Did I mention Robbie scratched the car
when he rammed into your motorcycle?
- You're dead!
- My... my what?!
- [both arguing]
- That does it! Get over there!
[growling] You heard me, dirt bags.
Grab some sky.
Do it. You too, pinkie.
- Now!
- [gasps]
Keep those hands
where I can see 'em.
Officer Bettelheim,
you put that away right now.
Stay back. There's no telling
what these punks might do.
Robbie, Charlene, I want you to go
straight to your rooms.
We will sit and discuss this
first thing in the morning.
Until then, I really want you
to think about
how you could treat each other
with a little more respect.
- Now move it!
- Oh, yes, Mom!
- [gasping]
- Go, go, go, go!
And as for you!
Pulling a gun on children.
Officer, what do you think
the authorities at Parent Patrol
- would say about that?
- I... 1 don't know what happened.
- It's just... Those kids.
- [Baby humming]
And this one. This is no child.
This is a demon, a monster.
[both grunting]
- Give me this back!
- OK.
- [grunting]
- [Baby] You asked for it.
Snack time. [munching]
There's nothing in the manual
that covers anything like that!
Gotta love me.
Maybe if you had experience
as a real parent
you'd know how to handle children
without pulling a gun.
Uh, not that I haven't
considered that myself.
Hey, look, if the guys downtown
ever found out about this,
I'd be out of the department
in a second.
So, tell you what.
How about I, uh, give you both
your licenses back
and we all forget about this
little... nightmare?
- [grunts]
- Deal?
- [both] Deal.
- [sighs] Thank you.
[blows raspberry]
[giggles]
You sure you don't want this?
Mm-mmm.
Uh-huh.
OK, Fran, let me have it.
You were right, I was wrong.
Good parenting doesn't come
from a book.
It comes from the heart.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Fran is perfect,
Earl learns another lesson.
I don't know, Earl. You seem to have
gotten a lot out of this manual.
Maybe I learned a lesson.
Maybe good parenting begins here,
but when you need a little help
you can find it here.
So, you're saying
it's not black or white,
- it's a little bit of both?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow. Now there's something
you never see on TV.
[announcer]
For violating the Parent Code
and displaying severe
emotional instability,
Officer Bettelheim was suspended
from the Parent Patrol,
allowed to return when he's thought
good and hard about what he has done.
For scratching his father's
brand new car,
Robert Mark Sinclair was grounded
for six to ten years.
He is currently serving his sentence
in his room.
- [yelling]
- And finally, Baby Sinclair
was found guilty on 22 counts
of assault with a frying pan.
I was framed!
.
- Uh-huh.
I'm picking up Charlene's
dry cleaning,
then I'm going to the pediatrician,
but I should be back in time
to take Robbie to soccer practice.
[grunts]
And then I'm going to take off
all my clothes
- and dance naked in the driveway.
- Hmm, that's nice, dear.
I want to dance naked.
Earl, do you have to spend every
spare second reading that manual?
It's just a car.
Frannie, you are such a female.
First of all, it's a brand-new car,
and as such it is a reflection
of who [ am.
It is a bulky,
bottom-of-the-line fuel guzzler
with no pickup, no options,
and it's completely owned by the bank.
[grunts] Love you, too.
- I don't know why I bother with him.
- Me neither.
- Up we go.
- Careful.
So, Dad, when do I get
to take her for a spin?
It's a brand-new car, son.
It's not meant to be driven.
[scoffs] You just let Mom take it.
Son, your mother is a capable,
responsible...
- [engine starting, revving]
- What?
- [tires screeching]
- [gasps] Wait for me!
- Ooh.
- [giggles]
Where are we going?
Your father is driving us to the doctor.
Doctor? Uh-uh, no way, not going!
- Turn around!
- How about a cupcake?
- Hmm?
- Ooh.
Cupcake! Gimme, gimme.
Hey, you're giving the kid
a cupcake in a new car?
- Mama, gimme...
- What are you thinking about?
Him. He gets a little nervous
when I take him to the pediatrician
so I'm trying to make the whole
experience a little more positive.
- It's called parenting, Earl.
- Oh, please!
I've been parenting for 15 years.
No one has to tell me
how to be a good dad.
You get one crumb on that seat
and you're crawling home, buster.
- Very nurturing.
- [humming]
[Fran sighs]
Whoa! All right, there's a crumb.
That's it.
- Give it to me right now.
- No.
- Come on, hand it over.
- No!
- Give it to me. Come on.
- No, no, no! It's mine, mine!
- Give me that cupcake!
- Whoa!
- My car!
- My cupcake!
- Watch the road!
- I can only do one thing at a time!
- My cupcake! Gimme!
- Look out!
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
[panting]
[panting]
Happy now?
You nearly got us all stepped on.
Gimme my cupcake!
What cupcake?
[crying]
Earl, that was horrible.
- Actually, it's quite moist.
- [Baby screaming]
Oh, quit faking or I'll give you
something to really cry about.
- [screaming]
- [siren wailing]
Oh, great. This is great.
- This is just what I need.
- [crying]
Cut that out. [clears throat]
Hello, officer.
Any problem?
- License, please.
- Certainly.
- [humming]
- [nervous chuckle]
Not your driver's license,
your parent's license.
I'm with the Parent Patrol,
and you're in a lot of trouble, mister.
Honey, I'm home.
Aaah!
- Ohh!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ooh!
[chuckling] Aah!
Well, Earl, see what happens
when you lose your temper?
Oh, please. He's just the Parent Patrol.
- It's not like he's the real police.
- Beg your pardon?
Oh, uh, nothing.
So, what's the problem, officer?
Did I stop in a no diapering zone?
Parent Code section seven,
paragraph three.
A crying child must be handled
with sympathy and patience.
You were screaming at the boy,
Mr. Sinclair.
I'm giving you a citation.
- Huh?
- Just like the real police.
[laughing]
We're very sorry, officer.
It won't happen again.
- Uh-huh.
- Now, now, now...
Wait a second.
Surely we can talk about this.
After all, this is
kind of a coincidence.
A coincidence? How?
Well, that ticket has my name on it,
and I do believe that
this crisp one dollar bill
has your name on it.
Wouldn't you call that coincidence?
No. I would call that
a cheap attempt at bribery.
What if it was a five?
- [Fran sighing] Earl.
- Oh, smoo.
Uh-huh.
What?! Oh, come on, you're not
giving me another ticket!
Section nine, paragraph four:
Setting a bad moral example
for a child.
One more violation and you're gonna
lose your parent's license.
- Really?
- No one's talking to you.
He took my cupcake
and ate it right in front of me!
- Shh!
- That should do it.
- What?
- Your parent's license is suspended
pending recertification
at parenting school.
[groaning]
Here's a copy of your
parenting manual. Study it.
Know it. Be prepared to be tested
on it tomorrow at 8:00 AM.
But I can't.
I'm going fishing tomorrow.
- Fishing, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it looks like you just hooked
yourself a whole lot of trouble.
Are we there yet?
[male] So what'd they nail you for, huh?
Just yelling at the kid. You?
Missed a diaper change.
Boy, you let one lousy week go by,
they jump down your throat.
Yeah. Well, the whole system stinks,
if you ask me.
I mean, you don't need a license
to go fishing or own a gun.
But being a parent?
For that you need a license.
Go figure.
Well, I'm not gonna get
hauled in here again.
I read this parent manual
cover to cover.
Yeah, me too.
I was up all night cramming.
Um, how about you, pal?
Oh, please. I spent 15 years
raising three kids.
The only thing I'd use that manual
for is to whack their butts.
Good morning, parents. Would you
take your places, please?
[murmuring]
I'm Officer Brazelton.
I'm the official examiner here
and a skilled father of four.
And I'm very disappointed
in all of you.
- [groaning]
- [Baby laughing]
But I believe there is no such thing
as a bad parent,
- only bad parenting.
- Yeah.
And I'm sure all of you can earn
your licenses back
by simply applying what you've learned
from studying the manual.
Now, we're going to begin
by simulating a series
of actual parenting situations.
- Oh, boy.
- For our first test...
- [gasp]
- ..we're going to pretend
that your child has had
a little accident.
[gasps] Hey!
Now, how do you handle it?
Hmm, let's see now.
It's OK, son. You're a good boy.
You just did a bad thing.
Oh. I love you, Papa.
- [chuckling]
- Aww.
Ah, very good.
Textbook response.
Um, if we make a mess,
I have to... Yeah, that's it,
yeah, clean it up.
That's it.
Uh, let's do it together, OK?
Excellent. Very supportive.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Sure.
Hmm.
- Ick.
- Well, son,
it looks like you had a little accident.
- You're gonna yell at me?
- Of course not, son.
- Oh.
- My heart is filled only with love.
Ah.
[chuckles]
An unconditional love.
A love that loves not in spite
of your little mistakes
but because of them.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Well, love this!
- Aah!
[laughing]
That's it, you little pink monster!
- I'm gonna wring your neck!
- What the...?
Uh-uh-uh!
Hmm.
- [nervous chuckling]
- [laughing]
Hello, I'm Dr. Brazelton,
and I have to give your child
a very scary and painful shot.
- Huh? [whimpers]
- Aw, tell you what, pal,
when the doctor's done,
how about we go to the park
and ride on the merry-go-round?
OK, Papa, I'll be brave.
[both chuckling]
OK, now, remember,
the doctor is our friend.
[Earl] But there was
this one little boy
who wouldn't let the doctor
give him a shot.
- And you know what happened to him?
- [whimpering] Uh-uh.
His toes fell off, his eyes melted
and his head swelled up!
[gasps]
OK, doc, he's out. Stick him.
- [mimics machine gun]
- [crying]
[gasps]
- [crying]
- [Earl] Pow, pow, pow!
Mr. Sinclair, what are you doing?
Well, he told me his imaginary
friend was scaring him,
so I took out my imaginary gun
and blew off his imaginary head.
You killed him!
You killed Snooky!
- [crying]
- Hey, your daddy fixed it.
- He's stone dead.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
Huh? Pretty good.
Just came up
with a little improvisation.
Mr. Sinclair, normally for such a
reprehensible display I deduct points.
- But you don't have any!
- Oh.
- Points are good?
- Let me spell it out for you.
You failed. You can take the test
again in 30 days.
Until then, your license is suspended.
And that means absolutely
no parenting! You got me?
Yeah, I got you.
- Now study this.
- Oof!
Maybe it'll teach you some respect
for parent education.
[grunting, chewing]
Respect that.
Earl, I don't think that's a good idea.
Nobody's gonna tell me
when and where I can parent.
This is my house.
These are my kids and I love 'em.
- Hey, Dad?
- Shut up, I'm talking.
Earl! What is it, Robbie?
Well, I was wondering
if I could borrow the car.
- Well, I don't see a...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, I'm still in charge here,
and I say I don't want
your greasy green fingers
- even thinking about my car.
- [officer] Hold it right there.
- Not your decision, Mr. Sinclair.
- What are you doing here?
Me? I've been assigned
to this residence
to make sure you don't parent
without a license.
You can't barge in here like this.
Hey, Dad, now about the car...
- 1 fold you about the car...
- Back away from the teenager, sir.
Mrs. Sinclair here
is the only licensed parent,
so the decision regarding
the use of the car is hers.
Oh. Well...
- All right, you can drive.
- Yes!
But I'll go with you
and we'll take it nice and slow.
- No problem.
- [officer] Hand over the keys...
- Hmm?
- ...Mr. Sinclair.
[grumbling]
Yes! [chuckles] Thanks.
[grunting]
- This is nuts!
- Yeah, pal!
It's nuts, all right.
It's nuts that guys like you
get to be parents,
and it's nuts that I gotta be here
in your face
- until you pass that test.
- [growling]
I believe this belongs to you.
You got 30 days, mister.
Start studying.
I La, la la, la la
La, la, la, Ia, Ia, Ia
JLa, la la la, la, la, la...
Do you mind? I'm trying to study.
[singing louder]
Hey! Stop that right now
- or so help me, I'll...
- Help! Police!
- Help, police! [screams]
- No, no! [stammers]
Mr. Sinclair, you weren't engaged
in any unlicensed parenting,
were you, sir?
- No.
- All right, sir,
but I got my eye on you.
Right. [humming]
Me too.
You're skating on thin ice, buster.
[grunting] My diaper's itchy.
I think I'll... take it off.
Don't you dare.
Nobody gonna stop me.
No parent here, is there?
[humming]
J Boom, boom, boom! J
- [laughing]
- I'm warning you.
I may not be a licensed parent,
but I'm still the adult here.
[whining] And I'm telling.
- Don't you dare! Don't you...
- [laughing]
- 1 told... Junior!
- It's off!
- Fran! Fran!
- What's going on in here?
Will you deal with him?
He's driving me nuts.
Oh, come on, sweetheart,
it's time for your nap.
No, no, no! Not tired, no nap.
- It's nap time.
- No, no, no!
Let me stay up, please?
I'll be good.
Well, all right. I guess another
half hour wouldn't hurt.
- Yeah!
- Let me put your diaper back on.
- OK.
- Hey, hey, wait a second.
It says right here
that very young children
are creatures of habit
and need a consistent nap time.
Earl, I've raised three children.
I've got my own manual right here.
Your husband is right, Mrs. Sinclair.
Section 18, paragraph seven:
An alteration in the sleeping schedule
may actually prove upsetting
and disruptive to the child.
- See?
- Drop the diaper, ma'am,
- and move away from the infant.
- Oh, you must be joking.
Yeah, that's right. It's a joke.
Everything's a big joke to you,
isn't it, ma'am?
Well, here's the punchline.
I'm writing you a ticket.
[gasps]
Fran, you were saying?
Ma'am.
[grunting]
[male] You have insulted my hut.
Now you must pay.
Gee, those kung fu guys
are really irritable, huh, Dad?
Robbie, I thought we agreed,
no TV until your homework is done.
[groans] What difference does it make
if I do it before or after?
- Either way it's gonna get done.
- Turn the TV off, Robert.
[clears throat] Fran,
in this case I believe that letting
Robbie arrange his own schedule
is the best way to go.
After all...
"Teenagers learn to make choices
by having choices."
Seems to me we're denying him
that opportunity to learn and grow.
Don't you agree, Officer Bettelheim?
Looks like it's just not your day,
ma'am.
Your license, please.
Oh, all right.
I guess I could've handled that
differently.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
But I don't see why the manual says
I should enforce some rules
and not others.
Well, it's quite simple.
You have to be selective
to be effective.
Oh, shut up!
[Baby humming]
- Mama, let's play.
- Not now. I have to finish my ironing.
- No, no, wanna help!
- Stop that.
- No, no, no!
- I said stop that!
Can I have the car
tomorrow after school?
- Yes, I suppose.
- Great.
Hold it! You said you'd take me
and Mindy to the mall
- and pick us up.
- Robbie can do that.
- What?
- Mama, look, I'm helping.
[scoffs] No way! I'm not gonna
wait around some stupid mall
- for Wide Load and her dippy friend.
- Then you can't have the car!
- Ha!
- But you just said I could!
Oh, look, I think he's gonna cry.
You gonna cry now, baby?
I'll show you some tears, jerk.
- Will you two stop arguing?
- Mama, look!
- What do you want?! [gasps]
- See?
I just folded those. Bad boy!
[whimpering]
- [crying]
- Oh, stop crying-.
- Here, Mama's...
- Hold it right there, ma'am.
What? I'm just picking him up.
Move away from the child and put
your hands on the ironing board.
Is that really necessary?
Parents like you
make it necessary, ma'am.
You yelled at the infant,
failing to show appropriate restraint.
You were critical of the child
instead of his behavior.
You're once, twice,
three times a loser, lady.
Your license is suspended.
Officer, please,
I'm sorry I lost my temper,
but you can't do this.
I'm the only licensed parent here.
Uh-huh. Not exactly.
I'm fully certified.
I didn't know you had children.
I don't, ma'am. But I wouldn't
need to be father of the year
to do better than some of you
so-called "parents."
- License, please.
- But...
[sighing]
I don't like this, Earl.
We just turned our children
over to complete strangers.
He knows the parent manual
inside out, Fran.
- They're in good hands.
- I just don't believe this.
I always thought I was a good parent.
I always thought parenting
came from here.
So? Now you know
it comes from here.
It's just like with a new car, Fran.
You want to know what to do?
Just read the manual.
Now, children,
I recognize this is an unfamiliar
interpersonal situation,
so perhaps we should have
an informal family dialogue.
- Just line up over here.
- OK.
We'll proceed right to left.
Please state your full name
and share your feelings.
Go ahead, Robert, share with him
what you did to Dad's car.
- Shut up, Charlene.
- Son, something I should know?
- Uh...
- Yeah, yeah, tell him.
Quiet! You don't know
anything about it.
- About what?
- Uh, it's along story.
I like stories, I like 'em just fine.
- Robbie scratched the new car.
- Shut up, Porkenstein.
- What did you call me?
- Porkenstein! I like that.
- I called you... Aah!
- Come here!
Charlene, unhand your brother.
Break it up, missy.
Break it up.
Unhand your brother. Stop it.
- [humming]
- You youngsters are on a road to ruin.
Break it up now! I will not tolerate
any more personal assaults
on Charlene's self-esteem.
- Self-esteem? She has no...
- Give me that back, you!
- Give it to me!
- Oh, Officer Bettelheim.
- What?!
- Did I mention Robbie scratched the car
when he rammed into your motorcycle?
- You're dead!
- My... my what?!
- [both arguing]
- That does it! Get over there!
[growling] You heard me, dirt bags.
Grab some sky.
Do it. You too, pinkie.
- Now!
- [gasps]
Keep those hands
where I can see 'em.
Officer Bettelheim,
you put that away right now.
Stay back. There's no telling
what these punks might do.
Robbie, Charlene, I want you to go
straight to your rooms.
We will sit and discuss this
first thing in the morning.
Until then, I really want you
to think about
how you could treat each other
with a little more respect.
- Now move it!
- Oh, yes, Mom!
- [gasping]
- Go, go, go, go!
And as for you!
Pulling a gun on children.
Officer, what do you think
the authorities at Parent Patrol
- would say about that?
- I... 1 don't know what happened.
- It's just... Those kids.
- [Baby humming]
And this one. This is no child.
This is a demon, a monster.
[both grunting]
- Give me this back!
- OK.
- [grunting]
- [Baby] You asked for it.
Snack time. [munching]
There's nothing in the manual
that covers anything like that!
Gotta love me.
Maybe if you had experience
as a real parent
you'd know how to handle children
without pulling a gun.
Uh, not that I haven't
considered that myself.
Hey, look, if the guys downtown
ever found out about this,
I'd be out of the department
in a second.
So, tell you what.
How about I, uh, give you both
your licenses back
and we all forget about this
little... nightmare?
- [grunts]
- Deal?
- [both] Deal.
- [sighs] Thank you.
[blows raspberry]
[giggles]
You sure you don't want this?
Mm-mmm.
Uh-huh.
OK, Fran, let me have it.
You were right, I was wrong.
Good parenting doesn't come
from a book.
It comes from the heart.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Fran is perfect,
Earl learns another lesson.
I don't know, Earl. You seem to have
gotten a lot out of this manual.
Maybe I learned a lesson.
Maybe good parenting begins here,
but when you need a little help
you can find it here.
So, you're saying
it's not black or white,
- it's a little bit of both?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow. Now there's something
you never see on TV.
[announcer]
For violating the Parent Code
and displaying severe
emotional instability,
Officer Bettelheim was suspended
from the Parent Patrol,
allowed to return when he's thought
good and hard about what he has done.
For scratching his father's
brand new car,
Robert Mark Sinclair was grounded
for six to ten years.
He is currently serving his sentence
in his room.
- [yelling]
- And finally, Baby Sinclair
was found guilty on 22 counts
of assault with a frying pan.
I was framed!
.