Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 3, Episode 6 - Germ Warfare - full transcript
The Baby gets sick and Fran demands Earl take them to the doctor. Modern medicine only makes the Baby sicker; leaving Fran and Earl to ponder an alternative healer and Ethel knows the perfect dinosaur for the job, a guy in the woods.
I keep telling you, Fran,
someday we're gonna want to retire,
and we're gonna have
nothing to retire on
if you keep writing those checks.
Frittering our money away on
frivolous notions and knick-knacks.
Knick-knacks?
"Wesayso Water and Power."
Seventy-nine bucks!
Water and power?
Do we need both?
Earl, the reason we decided
that I should pay the bills
is that when you pay the bills
you always overreact.
- Oh, my!
- "Oh, my"?
What "oh, my"?
You never say "oh, my."
We'll worry about this one later.
Oh, no! We'll fly off the handle
about it right now!
It's the phone bill and it's just
a little more than I expected.
4,563,000 dollars?!
That's our phone number.
Oh. Three hundred dollars.
That's a lot too.
Who's making these calls?
I'm afraid it's Mother, Earl.
- [groaning]
- But you've got to understand
her only pleasure
in the autumn of her life
is talking to friends and relatives.
- She's just a lonely old lady.
- She's a lonely old leech,
sucking away our retirement money.
She's a part of this family, Earl.
She contributes just as much
as anyone else.
[snoring]
Jean-Claude...
Come on, Grandma, finish story.
[snorting]
Come on! The wolf huffs and puffs,
and then what?
[sucking]
Mmm.
Hmm?
Big mistake.
[chuckles]
Give it back!
I mean it.
That does it.
Here comes the pouty face.
- ([crashing)
- Huh?
- [muffled running]
- Where you going with my suck toy?
Hey, you! Come back here!
Oh, you're right, Fran.
- She is contributing.
- [snoring]
Look, she's busy
holding down the rug,
doing the work of six or eight
carpet tacks.
- She's just tired, Earl.
- Dialing fatigue, Fran.
She's worn out from making
all those long-distance calls.
- Want suck toy!
- What is it, sweetheart?
Want suck toy!
Want, want, want.
He wants a suck toy, she wants
to sit on the phone all day,
and you probably got your heart set
on some snazzy new high-price mop.
Well, all these baubles
don't come free.
This family's gotta learn you don't get
something because you want it.
Want suck toy!
- [screaming]
- [rumbling]
Oh, wow.
[Baby] My suck toy.
Hey, let me try this.
Want a cable-ready big screen!
- We need a bigger fireplace.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Earl, you don't know
where that's been.
- Sure. It's been in the chimney.
- Yeah.
- It's still perfectly good.
- It's dirty, throw it away.
Oh, yeah, let's buy a new one.
And while we're at it,
let's buy a new chimney.
- The dirty pacifier's been in it.
- It's full of germs.
Trust me, Fran.
There's no such thing as germs.
[camera shutter clicking]
So, who do you like,
the little pink kid?
Yeah, he's a real fluff ball,
a regular four-star host.
Hey, I say we move in,
find a nice warm spot
and make ourselves at home.
- And then trash the place!
- Yeah!
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- Yes.
Earl, if he catches something,
you're going to be very sorry.
You worry too much, Fran.
He's the picture of health.
Ah... ah... choo!
[snorts, stammers]
"...and blew the house down."
Honey, I'm home.
Aaah!
- Ohh!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ooh!
[chuckling] Aah!
[groaning]
This better be good, Fran.
The old family emergency excuse
doesn't exactly hold water at work.
- I'd better see some body parts here.
- Guess what, Earl?
The baby is sick.
The baby is sick.
Well, it's a good thing
that I rushed home
from my important job
in the middle of the day
because apparently
I'm the only one who can operate
the highly complicated
Kleenex machine.
I've seen a lot of phlegm in my time,
but I've never seen this color before.
- [shudders]
- This is your fault, Earl.
Now you'll take him to the doctor.
Oh, Fran, I'm sure all
the little snuffle bunny needs
is a bottle of juice, a nap,
and some TLC from his D-A-D.
J Look who's home
[deep voice] Not the mama.
[shudders]
[growling]
He, um, specifically
asked for you, sweetheart.
He needs proper
medical attention right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
These childhood illnesses always
look worse than they really are.
Remember Robbie?
He had exactly the same thing.
I mean, not the spinning head.
So what would you suggest, Earl?
I suggest we don't spend our money
on needless doctor visits.
I'm as smart as those
so-called medical experts
with their shiny metal thing
on their... up there,
and that wooden tongue stick doo-dah
that they put in your mouth
and you go "aah."
And that cold silver listening thing
they wear around their, uh...
- I'll go start the car.
- And the red rubber hammer thing
that they use to hit you
on the bendy part of the leg with.
[shivers]
[moans]
See? We could've done this
at home, Fran.
We got a trash can,
we got old magazines.
We got a whole drawer full of...
Yaah! What are these?
Hello, I'm Dr. Ficus. What seems
to be the problem today?
It's our baby. He's awfully sick.
Oh, I'm sure it's one of a dozen
common childhood illnesses
that we see here every day.
Now, let's take a look-see, shall we?
Look this way.
Whoa. Coming around.
- Yoiks!
- "Yoiks"?
Medical term meaning no need to worry,
I have everything under control.
Let's take a listen.
[Baby] Ooh! [slurping]
- [gasps] Oh.
- [burps]
Ahem. I'll just add that to the bill.
- Doc, you know what it is?
- Of course I know what it is,
but rest assured, even if I didn't,
I'm a professional.
I'd never admit it in front of you.
You're a straight shooter, doc.
Yep. Like it.
Would you step this way, please?
- You going to talk about me?
- Only good things, my boy.
Now, in my expert opinion,
Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair,
your baby is going to need some
remarkably expensive medicine.
Expensive?
How much expensive?
Well, I'll tell you,
but please keep in mind
I went to school for many years
to be a great healer.
So when I state the actual figure,
[echoing] my voice will resonate
with such authority and confidence
you'll instantly feel
you're doing the right thing.
I instantly feel
I'm doing the right thing.
One thousand dollars.
One thousand dollars.
Goodness, that's just
an awful lot of money.
It's a miracle of the modern age.
We call it the blue medicine.
He'll drink it tonight and be better
by morning... most likely.
Are you sure it's going to work?
It's blue.
Don't spill any.
How'd you get the big tightwad
to part with all that money?
Oh, it's easy to criticize,
isn't it, Ethyl,
but I had a decision to make.
My baby's health was at stake.
And this medicine was
the only rational course of action.
- You really believe that?
- I have to. I spent a thousand bucks.
In my day, you got sick,
they took you to the guy in the woods.
Oh, here we go
with the guy in the woods.
- Now there was a healer.
- Sure.
He'd mix up some mud,
some roots, a little moss,
fix you up in no time.
- Ooh.
- [Ethyl] And what did he charge?
- What?
- Two beaver pelts and a roast beef.
Oh, yeah? What would he charge
to suture your mouth shut forever?
Open up, sweetheart.
Here's your juice.
Blue juice?
It's a special kind of yummy juice
just for special little boys.
J Lying to the baby
All right, it's medicine.
Not a chance!
- Now, open up.
- Fran.
You're not using proper
child psychology.
- Open. OK.
- [grunting]
[muffled yells, grunts]
- Oh.
- That should do it.
[groaning, smacks lips]
How long does it take to work?
- Well, now, let me see here. Um...
- [thump]
- [snoring]
- About that long.
Pretty effective stuff, I'd say.
Can, uh, your guy in the woods
do that, Ethyl?
With a glass of warm milk.
The kid's just asleep.
Shh! You'll wake him.
- [snoring]
- You're absolutely right, sweetheart.
Let's be very quiet...
J 'Cause he's getting better
J The blue stuff is working
[humming]
[camera shutter clicking]
- Your attention, please.
- [microphone feedback]
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- [rimshot]
[laughs] I'm kidding.
Ladies and germs, a toast,
to modern medicine.
- [all] Modern medicine.
- Whoa! What a kick.
I feel like I could... Whoa!
Hey! Good to see you.
Nice to know you.
This blue stuff is great.
We're gonna need more glasses.
[music playing]
- [groaning]
- There's my little megalosaurus.
Daddy loves you, and he proved it,
by buying very expensive
medicine for you.
No more being sick,
no more doctors,
[with reverb] no more juice,
no more food, no more fun!
We're gonna make you wear
tight, scratchy diapers
then take you to a big, scary
department store
and leave you there! [cackling]
Aah! [whimpering]
Frannie, come and take
a look at the kid.
I think he's feeling
a whole lot better.
I don't know, Earl.
I'm not so sure.
[with reverb]
And I'm also not the mama!
And I'm not the papa!
We ate your real family
for breakfast. [laughing]
And now we're gonna eat you!
Don't eat the baby!
Not the real mama, not the mama!
Just a hunch, Dad, but I don't
think the medicine worked.
It is, too, working.
It just has a small side effect
where the patient gets a lot worse.
Charlene, take that rattle from
your brother before he hurts himself.
- [doorbell rings]
- I'll get it.
Earl, maybe it wasn't enough.
Maybe we need more medicine.
- More?
- [door opens]
Hello, the known world to Fran.
We just spent every last penny
we had on the blue stuff.
You only would've been out
a roast beef
if you'd gone to the guy in the woods.
Nobody wants to hear about
your lunatic in the forest.
Why don't you just get back
on the phone.
It's worth $1.95 a minute
not to have to listen to your
toothless yammering yap.
You two stop! We have a sick child.
He's under a doctor's care
and we have to trust
that the doctor knows
what he's doing.
[Baby] Go away!
Is that so?
Well, where's your precious doctor
now, Fran, when we need him most?
- In the living room.
- Oh.
What are you doing here?
Just a routine house call.
I like to check up on all my patients.
We gave the baby the medicine
just like you said
and it didn't work at all.
We don't know what's wrong.
Mr. Sinclair, I understand
you're distraught.
I'm sorry if something
I might have said
led you to believe
that the blue medicine
was some sort of magical
overnight cure. It's not.
This is.
Wow. Orange.
It's the most advanced
and complex color
medical science has to offer.
How much?
Before I say...
[echoing] ...let me tell you
that this medicine...
No, no, no! No resonating.
That resonating cost me
a thousand bucks.
Just write it down. Humph!
I'm not falling for that trick again.
There.
Thank you.
Wow.
Look at the penmanship.
Fran, we need this much.
That's even more than the last time.
Oh, Mrs. Sinclair,
can you honestly put a price tag
on your child's health?
- Well, you just did.
- Fran!
Earl, I just don't know where we'll
possibly find this kind of money.
Allow me to introduce
my assistant, Brock.
- [door closes]
- How ya doin'?
Brock will make a full assessment
of your home's current market value
and we can work from there.
I said it was a house call.
Are these original fixtures?
Doctor, you're a healer.
My child is desperately sick.
Surely there's a way for us
to pay for this medicine
without selling our house.
- You got a boat?
- Oh, no, Fran!
We won't be able to afford this.
Now I have to buy a boat!
Doctor, could you excuse us
for a few moments?
Oh, of course.
Any medical decision like this
has to be weighed carefully.
We'll be under the house
checking the foundation.
Earl, as much as I've always
put my faith
in the integrity of all
medical professionals,
I think this guy's a quack.
Mom, Dad, you might want
to take a look at the baby.
He's, uh, doing something.
Cold! Cold! [shivering]
La, la. Here you go.
No, no, no! Hot! Hot!
- Hot! Sweaty hot!
- What do you want?
- Thirsty. Dying of thirst.
- Oh. Uh...
- Say "aah."
- [sucking]
Better?
[gasps] Big mistake!
- Coming up!
- Oh, oh. Open.
- [bubbling, farting]
- [Charlene] Disgustorama!
[groaning]
[sighing] He's not getting
any better, Fran. Sell the house.
We're not selling the house
to buy medicine that doesn't work.
But the medicine that doesn't work
is our only hope!
- I don't trust the doctor.
- Why?
Just because everything he said
has been wrong? Our baby is sick.
And if we can't make him better,
and the doctor can't make him better,
then what other alternative
do we have on this entire planet?
I don't know
if I mentioned this before,
but there's this guy in the woods.
[moans]
- This is it.
- [Baby groaning]
The ritual healing ground.
There's magic here,
something in the air.
It's a hot day. The beef's rotting.
I hope we find this guy soon.
That's the sacred tree,
right over there.
You're supposed to pound on it
three times, lard brain.
[groans, sighs]
- Oh.
- You the 5:307
Uh, no. Actually,
we don't have an appointment.
[groans] Look, just because
this is a tree
doesn't mean you can show up
any time you want to.
This is a professional medical facility.
Why don't you go have
a seat on the log? Oh, jeez!
Thank you.
Jeez.
[shivering]
We're at the doctor's, little guy.
How are you holding up?
Daddy, I love you.
Fran, he's delirious.
You're my favorite, Daddy.
Oh, no, we're losing him!
- [thunderclap]
- [gasping]
I am Zabar, the guy in the woods.
You have traveled many miles,
through great...
- [thunderclap]
- Eh...
On the word "wisdom." [sighs]
You have traveled many miles,
through great wilderness,
- to seek my wisdom.
- [thunderclap]
See? Better.
Heh. I will now examine...
the roast beef.
He's a pro.
Yeah.
Lean. Very nice.
OK. Let me see the child.
Hmm. I recognize
the young one's ailment.
It is serious.
There is only one cure.
What color is it
and how much does it cost?
Fortunately it is simple,
widely available, and costs nothing.
To rid the child's body
of the wicked contaminant,
he must eat moldy bread.
- Moldy bread, huh?
- [Zabar] Uh-huh.
No wonder you practice
in the woods... you freak!
Come on, Fran,
turn that thing around. Let's go.
Give him a chance.
He knows what he's doing.
Earl, we've come this far.
Let's not give up yet.
Oh, Fran, I just want my baby
to get well,
but all these medical guys
are telling me different things,
- and I don't trust any of 'em.
- Do you trust me, Earl?
Then I think we should let Zabar try.
[groaning]
[groaning, sobbing]
All right.
But don't you dare hurt my son.
Well, I've never lost one yet.
Now, open the child's mouth
so that I may administer
the moldy bread.
- No, not sick anymore! Feeling better!
- Come on, eat the bread, kid.
[smacking lips] Huh?
Yuck! [shudders]
That stuff stinks!
Sickness begone!
Zabar, the guy in the woods,
commands it.
[shuddering, smacks lips]
Commands it!
[coughs]
[sighs]
- Wisdom?
- [thunderclap]
[camera shutter clicking]
Oh! Moldy bread?
- I hate moldy bread!
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
What do you mean? We got
a good infection going here.
Oh, get over it. There's lots
of other places to go.
Oh... Abandon ship!
- [germs screaming]
- Ah... Ah-choo!
Behold! The child is cured.
[Fran] Look!
The spots, they're gone.
He's back to normal.
Wait. I'll be the judge of that.
Do you happen to have
a frying pan on you?
I do.
- Oh.
- Wow. Thanks.
Here, son.
Now, are you all right?
Do you know who I am?
[gasps]
- Ow!
- Not the mama!
[laughter]
It's so good to have
our little boy back, isn't it, Earl?
It sure is.
And I guess I owe
a big debt of gratitude
to you, Fran, for not losing hope.
And to Zabar there
for saving the kid's life.
- [Zabar] Don't mention it.
- And...
.that's it.
Anything you have to say to me,
you ungrateful sack of fat?
[chuckling]
Earl, I think Mother showed us
she makes an important
contribution to our family.
She just saved our child's life.
OK. Appreciate it.
- Earl.
- [Ethyl] I didn't do it for you.
- 1 like the kid.
- And I like him too.
And he likes you.
And he doesn't feel like you're
a burden to have around the house
and he won't complain to his wife
about your long-distance calls
to your millions of deadbeat relatives.
Apology accepted.
It wasn't an apology.
- Oh, of course it was.
- It was not.
- Was so.
- Hey, listen, Ethyl, don't get sick,
'cause if you do, I swear
I'm taking you to a doctor.
[Ethyl] Don't threaten me, fat boy.
It's not a threat, it's a promise.
.
someday we're gonna want to retire,
and we're gonna have
nothing to retire on
if you keep writing those checks.
Frittering our money away on
frivolous notions and knick-knacks.
Knick-knacks?
"Wesayso Water and Power."
Seventy-nine bucks!
Water and power?
Do we need both?
Earl, the reason we decided
that I should pay the bills
is that when you pay the bills
you always overreact.
- Oh, my!
- "Oh, my"?
What "oh, my"?
You never say "oh, my."
We'll worry about this one later.
Oh, no! We'll fly off the handle
about it right now!
It's the phone bill and it's just
a little more than I expected.
4,563,000 dollars?!
That's our phone number.
Oh. Three hundred dollars.
That's a lot too.
Who's making these calls?
I'm afraid it's Mother, Earl.
- [groaning]
- But you've got to understand
her only pleasure
in the autumn of her life
is talking to friends and relatives.
- She's just a lonely old lady.
- She's a lonely old leech,
sucking away our retirement money.
She's a part of this family, Earl.
She contributes just as much
as anyone else.
[snoring]
Jean-Claude...
Come on, Grandma, finish story.
[snorting]
Come on! The wolf huffs and puffs,
and then what?
[sucking]
Mmm.
Hmm?
Big mistake.
[chuckles]
Give it back!
I mean it.
That does it.
Here comes the pouty face.
- ([crashing)
- Huh?
- [muffled running]
- Where you going with my suck toy?
Hey, you! Come back here!
Oh, you're right, Fran.
- She is contributing.
- [snoring]
Look, she's busy
holding down the rug,
doing the work of six or eight
carpet tacks.
- She's just tired, Earl.
- Dialing fatigue, Fran.
She's worn out from making
all those long-distance calls.
- Want suck toy!
- What is it, sweetheart?
Want suck toy!
Want, want, want.
He wants a suck toy, she wants
to sit on the phone all day,
and you probably got your heart set
on some snazzy new high-price mop.
Well, all these baubles
don't come free.
This family's gotta learn you don't get
something because you want it.
Want suck toy!
- [screaming]
- [rumbling]
Oh, wow.
[Baby] My suck toy.
Hey, let me try this.
Want a cable-ready big screen!
- We need a bigger fireplace.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Earl, you don't know
where that's been.
- Sure. It's been in the chimney.
- Yeah.
- It's still perfectly good.
- It's dirty, throw it away.
Oh, yeah, let's buy a new one.
And while we're at it,
let's buy a new chimney.
- The dirty pacifier's been in it.
- It's full of germs.
Trust me, Fran.
There's no such thing as germs.
[camera shutter clicking]
So, who do you like,
the little pink kid?
Yeah, he's a real fluff ball,
a regular four-star host.
Hey, I say we move in,
find a nice warm spot
and make ourselves at home.
- And then trash the place!
- Yeah!
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- Yes.
Earl, if he catches something,
you're going to be very sorry.
You worry too much, Fran.
He's the picture of health.
Ah... ah... choo!
[snorts, stammers]
"...and blew the house down."
Honey, I'm home.
Aaah!
- Ohh!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ooh!
[chuckling] Aah!
[groaning]
This better be good, Fran.
The old family emergency excuse
doesn't exactly hold water at work.
- I'd better see some body parts here.
- Guess what, Earl?
The baby is sick.
The baby is sick.
Well, it's a good thing
that I rushed home
from my important job
in the middle of the day
because apparently
I'm the only one who can operate
the highly complicated
Kleenex machine.
I've seen a lot of phlegm in my time,
but I've never seen this color before.
- [shudders]
- This is your fault, Earl.
Now you'll take him to the doctor.
Oh, Fran, I'm sure all
the little snuffle bunny needs
is a bottle of juice, a nap,
and some TLC from his D-A-D.
J Look who's home
[deep voice] Not the mama.
[shudders]
[growling]
He, um, specifically
asked for you, sweetheart.
He needs proper
medical attention right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
These childhood illnesses always
look worse than they really are.
Remember Robbie?
He had exactly the same thing.
I mean, not the spinning head.
So what would you suggest, Earl?
I suggest we don't spend our money
on needless doctor visits.
I'm as smart as those
so-called medical experts
with their shiny metal thing
on their... up there,
and that wooden tongue stick doo-dah
that they put in your mouth
and you go "aah."
And that cold silver listening thing
they wear around their, uh...
- I'll go start the car.
- And the red rubber hammer thing
that they use to hit you
on the bendy part of the leg with.
[shivers]
[moans]
See? We could've done this
at home, Fran.
We got a trash can,
we got old magazines.
We got a whole drawer full of...
Yaah! What are these?
Hello, I'm Dr. Ficus. What seems
to be the problem today?
It's our baby. He's awfully sick.
Oh, I'm sure it's one of a dozen
common childhood illnesses
that we see here every day.
Now, let's take a look-see, shall we?
Look this way.
Whoa. Coming around.
- Yoiks!
- "Yoiks"?
Medical term meaning no need to worry,
I have everything under control.
Let's take a listen.
[Baby] Ooh! [slurping]
- [gasps] Oh.
- [burps]
Ahem. I'll just add that to the bill.
- Doc, you know what it is?
- Of course I know what it is,
but rest assured, even if I didn't,
I'm a professional.
I'd never admit it in front of you.
You're a straight shooter, doc.
Yep. Like it.
Would you step this way, please?
- You going to talk about me?
- Only good things, my boy.
Now, in my expert opinion,
Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair,
your baby is going to need some
remarkably expensive medicine.
Expensive?
How much expensive?
Well, I'll tell you,
but please keep in mind
I went to school for many years
to be a great healer.
So when I state the actual figure,
[echoing] my voice will resonate
with such authority and confidence
you'll instantly feel
you're doing the right thing.
I instantly feel
I'm doing the right thing.
One thousand dollars.
One thousand dollars.
Goodness, that's just
an awful lot of money.
It's a miracle of the modern age.
We call it the blue medicine.
He'll drink it tonight and be better
by morning... most likely.
Are you sure it's going to work?
It's blue.
Don't spill any.
How'd you get the big tightwad
to part with all that money?
Oh, it's easy to criticize,
isn't it, Ethyl,
but I had a decision to make.
My baby's health was at stake.
And this medicine was
the only rational course of action.
- You really believe that?
- I have to. I spent a thousand bucks.
In my day, you got sick,
they took you to the guy in the woods.
Oh, here we go
with the guy in the woods.
- Now there was a healer.
- Sure.
He'd mix up some mud,
some roots, a little moss,
fix you up in no time.
- Ooh.
- [Ethyl] And what did he charge?
- What?
- Two beaver pelts and a roast beef.
Oh, yeah? What would he charge
to suture your mouth shut forever?
Open up, sweetheart.
Here's your juice.
Blue juice?
It's a special kind of yummy juice
just for special little boys.
J Lying to the baby
All right, it's medicine.
Not a chance!
- Now, open up.
- Fran.
You're not using proper
child psychology.
- Open. OK.
- [grunting]
[muffled yells, grunts]
- Oh.
- That should do it.
[groaning, smacks lips]
How long does it take to work?
- Well, now, let me see here. Um...
- [thump]
- [snoring]
- About that long.
Pretty effective stuff, I'd say.
Can, uh, your guy in the woods
do that, Ethyl?
With a glass of warm milk.
The kid's just asleep.
Shh! You'll wake him.
- [snoring]
- You're absolutely right, sweetheart.
Let's be very quiet...
J 'Cause he's getting better
J The blue stuff is working
[humming]
[camera shutter clicking]
- Your attention, please.
- [microphone feedback]
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- [rimshot]
[laughs] I'm kidding.
Ladies and germs, a toast,
to modern medicine.
- [all] Modern medicine.
- Whoa! What a kick.
I feel like I could... Whoa!
Hey! Good to see you.
Nice to know you.
This blue stuff is great.
We're gonna need more glasses.
[music playing]
- [groaning]
- There's my little megalosaurus.
Daddy loves you, and he proved it,
by buying very expensive
medicine for you.
No more being sick,
no more doctors,
[with reverb] no more juice,
no more food, no more fun!
We're gonna make you wear
tight, scratchy diapers
then take you to a big, scary
department store
and leave you there! [cackling]
Aah! [whimpering]
Frannie, come and take
a look at the kid.
I think he's feeling
a whole lot better.
I don't know, Earl.
I'm not so sure.
[with reverb]
And I'm also not the mama!
And I'm not the papa!
We ate your real family
for breakfast. [laughing]
And now we're gonna eat you!
Don't eat the baby!
Not the real mama, not the mama!
Just a hunch, Dad, but I don't
think the medicine worked.
It is, too, working.
It just has a small side effect
where the patient gets a lot worse.
Charlene, take that rattle from
your brother before he hurts himself.
- [doorbell rings]
- I'll get it.
Earl, maybe it wasn't enough.
Maybe we need more medicine.
- More?
- [door opens]
Hello, the known world to Fran.
We just spent every last penny
we had on the blue stuff.
You only would've been out
a roast beef
if you'd gone to the guy in the woods.
Nobody wants to hear about
your lunatic in the forest.
Why don't you just get back
on the phone.
It's worth $1.95 a minute
not to have to listen to your
toothless yammering yap.
You two stop! We have a sick child.
He's under a doctor's care
and we have to trust
that the doctor knows
what he's doing.
[Baby] Go away!
Is that so?
Well, where's your precious doctor
now, Fran, when we need him most?
- In the living room.
- Oh.
What are you doing here?
Just a routine house call.
I like to check up on all my patients.
We gave the baby the medicine
just like you said
and it didn't work at all.
We don't know what's wrong.
Mr. Sinclair, I understand
you're distraught.
I'm sorry if something
I might have said
led you to believe
that the blue medicine
was some sort of magical
overnight cure. It's not.
This is.
Wow. Orange.
It's the most advanced
and complex color
medical science has to offer.
How much?
Before I say...
[echoing] ...let me tell you
that this medicine...
No, no, no! No resonating.
That resonating cost me
a thousand bucks.
Just write it down. Humph!
I'm not falling for that trick again.
There.
Thank you.
Wow.
Look at the penmanship.
Fran, we need this much.
That's even more than the last time.
Oh, Mrs. Sinclair,
can you honestly put a price tag
on your child's health?
- Well, you just did.
- Fran!
Earl, I just don't know where we'll
possibly find this kind of money.
Allow me to introduce
my assistant, Brock.
- [door closes]
- How ya doin'?
Brock will make a full assessment
of your home's current market value
and we can work from there.
I said it was a house call.
Are these original fixtures?
Doctor, you're a healer.
My child is desperately sick.
Surely there's a way for us
to pay for this medicine
without selling our house.
- You got a boat?
- Oh, no, Fran!
We won't be able to afford this.
Now I have to buy a boat!
Doctor, could you excuse us
for a few moments?
Oh, of course.
Any medical decision like this
has to be weighed carefully.
We'll be under the house
checking the foundation.
Earl, as much as I've always
put my faith
in the integrity of all
medical professionals,
I think this guy's a quack.
Mom, Dad, you might want
to take a look at the baby.
He's, uh, doing something.
Cold! Cold! [shivering]
La, la. Here you go.
No, no, no! Hot! Hot!
- Hot! Sweaty hot!
- What do you want?
- Thirsty. Dying of thirst.
- Oh. Uh...
- Say "aah."
- [sucking]
Better?
[gasps] Big mistake!
- Coming up!
- Oh, oh. Open.
- [bubbling, farting]
- [Charlene] Disgustorama!
[groaning]
[sighing] He's not getting
any better, Fran. Sell the house.
We're not selling the house
to buy medicine that doesn't work.
But the medicine that doesn't work
is our only hope!
- I don't trust the doctor.
- Why?
Just because everything he said
has been wrong? Our baby is sick.
And if we can't make him better,
and the doctor can't make him better,
then what other alternative
do we have on this entire planet?
I don't know
if I mentioned this before,
but there's this guy in the woods.
[moans]
- This is it.
- [Baby groaning]
The ritual healing ground.
There's magic here,
something in the air.
It's a hot day. The beef's rotting.
I hope we find this guy soon.
That's the sacred tree,
right over there.
You're supposed to pound on it
three times, lard brain.
[groans, sighs]
- Oh.
- You the 5:307
Uh, no. Actually,
we don't have an appointment.
[groans] Look, just because
this is a tree
doesn't mean you can show up
any time you want to.
This is a professional medical facility.
Why don't you go have
a seat on the log? Oh, jeez!
Thank you.
Jeez.
[shivering]
We're at the doctor's, little guy.
How are you holding up?
Daddy, I love you.
Fran, he's delirious.
You're my favorite, Daddy.
Oh, no, we're losing him!
- [thunderclap]
- [gasping]
I am Zabar, the guy in the woods.
You have traveled many miles,
through great...
- [thunderclap]
- Eh...
On the word "wisdom." [sighs]
You have traveled many miles,
through great wilderness,
- to seek my wisdom.
- [thunderclap]
See? Better.
Heh. I will now examine...
the roast beef.
He's a pro.
Yeah.
Lean. Very nice.
OK. Let me see the child.
Hmm. I recognize
the young one's ailment.
It is serious.
There is only one cure.
What color is it
and how much does it cost?
Fortunately it is simple,
widely available, and costs nothing.
To rid the child's body
of the wicked contaminant,
he must eat moldy bread.
- Moldy bread, huh?
- [Zabar] Uh-huh.
No wonder you practice
in the woods... you freak!
Come on, Fran,
turn that thing around. Let's go.
Give him a chance.
He knows what he's doing.
Earl, we've come this far.
Let's not give up yet.
Oh, Fran, I just want my baby
to get well,
but all these medical guys
are telling me different things,
- and I don't trust any of 'em.
- Do you trust me, Earl?
Then I think we should let Zabar try.
[groaning]
[groaning, sobbing]
All right.
But don't you dare hurt my son.
Well, I've never lost one yet.
Now, open the child's mouth
so that I may administer
the moldy bread.
- No, not sick anymore! Feeling better!
- Come on, eat the bread, kid.
[smacking lips] Huh?
Yuck! [shudders]
That stuff stinks!
Sickness begone!
Zabar, the guy in the woods,
commands it.
[shuddering, smacks lips]
Commands it!
[coughs]
[sighs]
- Wisdom?
- [thunderclap]
[camera shutter clicking]
Oh! Moldy bread?
- I hate moldy bread!
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
What do you mean? We got
a good infection going here.
Oh, get over it. There's lots
of other places to go.
Oh... Abandon ship!
- [germs screaming]
- Ah... Ah-choo!
Behold! The child is cured.
[Fran] Look!
The spots, they're gone.
He's back to normal.
Wait. I'll be the judge of that.
Do you happen to have
a frying pan on you?
I do.
- Oh.
- Wow. Thanks.
Here, son.
Now, are you all right?
Do you know who I am?
[gasps]
- Ow!
- Not the mama!
[laughter]
It's so good to have
our little boy back, isn't it, Earl?
It sure is.
And I guess I owe
a big debt of gratitude
to you, Fran, for not losing hope.
And to Zabar there
for saving the kid's life.
- [Zabar] Don't mention it.
- And...
.that's it.
Anything you have to say to me,
you ungrateful sack of fat?
[chuckling]
Earl, I think Mother showed us
she makes an important
contribution to our family.
She just saved our child's life.
OK. Appreciate it.
- Earl.
- [Ethyl] I didn't do it for you.
- 1 like the kid.
- And I like him too.
And he likes you.
And he doesn't feel like you're
a burden to have around the house
and he won't complain to his wife
about your long-distance calls
to your millions of deadbeat relatives.
Apology accepted.
It wasn't an apology.
- Oh, of course it was.
- It was not.
- Was so.
- Hey, listen, Ethyl, don't get sick,
'cause if you do, I swear
I'm taking you to a doctor.
[Ethyl] Don't threaten me, fat boy.
It's not a threat, it's a promise.
.