Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 3, Episode 16 - Honey, I Miss the Kids - full transcript

Fran finds being a housewife and mother unfulfilling and does volunteer work at a halfway house for amphibians; Earl gets stuck taking on the household chores and the kids and finds out what it's like being the mother.

- [man on TV] Package for Mr. Litvac.
- [man 2] Thanks.

- [explosion]
- [laughing]

- Yay!
- [Earl] Honey, I'm...

D'oh! Jeez.

...home, back from another
soul-sucking day at work.

Jeez.

Gimme juice! Now!

- Hey, I'm not your slave.
- Aw.

Where is Fran, anyway?
It's dinnertime.

Dad, we need to talk to you.

- It's about Mom.
- And it's serious.



Did something happen to her?

Something that would
get in the way of my being fed?

No. I think she's having
some sort of an emotional crisis.

- Yeah.

She hasn't even started dinner yet?

She's moping around.

- 1 think she's real unhappy.
- Yeah.

I'm unhappy. It's part of being
a parent, the large part.

No, she says she can't talk
to you about her problems

because you always belittle them.

Her silly little problems?

Dad, something's definitely wrong.

I think Mom just doesn't like
being a mom anymore.

Look, we all have our rough days,
our little rough patches,



but believe me, your mother
gets a lot of satisfaction

in her role as wife and mother.

I hate my life. I hate my life.

I hate my life. I hate my life.

[chuckles] Of course, some days
are more satisfying than others.

[sighs]

[TV announcer]
And today in sports action...

- [TV clicks]
- [woman] Desmond, I'm pregnant.

- [clicks]
- [woman 2] I'm cleaning my oven.

- [click]
- [man] ...we pass the savings to you.

- [click]
- [man 2] With the help of the Lord...

Fran, you're getting
pretty good at that thing.

[stammers] Uh...

Something's bothering you,
isn't it, dear?

I can't take it anymore, Earl.

I love our kids, but every day
all I do is fix their meals,

drive them here, pick them up there,
do their laundry, clean their rooms...

Hey, hey, hey. I understand.

You're feeling cut off.

You just need to connect
with the outside world.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

You're longing
for the sound of adult voices.

- Yes!
- Yeah.

You need a radio in the laundry room.

Sure, a little music
while you wash my clothes.

Wouldn't that make
all the difference in the world?

A radio in the laundry room?
You think that's what I want?!

Not anymore.

Earl, I need a job!

But, Frannie,
you've got a job right here.

Well, I quit!

[gasps]

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh!
- Ow!

- Ow!
- Ooh!

[chuckling] Aah!

- [male] OK, that's lunch!
- [male 2] All right.

Oh, so Fran wants a job?
What kind of job?

Oh, she went for an interview
with this social services clinic

that helps amphibians adjust
back to their new life on land.

Ahh.

It's a halfway house.

Gee, if they really wanna help,

shouldn't they give 'em
a whole house?

Ahh. Well, doesn't sound
like they thought it through to me.

The worst part about it is it's a
volunteer job. She doesn't make a dime.

Oh, I just don't get this at all.

She says it's not about money,
it's about personal fulfillment.

A-ha! She's never
had a job before, has she?

Hey, guys, what's up?

Earl's wife is up for a job
at half of a house

and it doesn't pay anything.

Interesting concept. Why don't you
get her to hold out for next to nothing?

- [laughing] Yeah, I got that one.
- Hey...

Guys, I got a real problem here.

If don't let Fran take this job
she's gonna make my life miserable.

If she does take it, then I'll have to
hire somebody to look after the baby.

And that's gonna cost me.

You'll have to spring for a babysitter.

Are you completely nuts?!

Do you realize it would take
all the money I use on beer, bowling

and pay-per-view wrestling just
to give Fran a more fulfilling life?

I don't know what I was thinking.

Wait a minute.

I've got your solution.

If you took the night shift here

then you could be home
during the day with the kids.

- [laughing]
- What?

Oh, boy, that's good.
Me spend all day with the kids!

I'm serious.

You're out of your mind.

Yeah, out of my mind like a fox.
Don't you see?

After one week away
from her precious children,

Fran will miss them so much she'll
drop that job and come running home.

Oh. But wait, so I'm just
pretending to be supportive,

when in fact I'm manipulating Fran
in the most cynical way possible?

Yeah.

I like it.

[both snickering]

Here, honey,
I got your lunch all packed.

Better get going. You don't wanna
be late for your first day in fish land.

Now, here's a list
of everything that needs doing.

I wrote my work number down on top
if you have any questions.

There's only one question
on my mind. Is Fran happy?

Earl, you're being so sweet.
It's making it hard for me to leave.

- Mama?
- Hmm?

- Where you going?
- To my new job.

[whimpers]

Now, we talked about this, remember?

Mommy needs time outside the house

so she can be a better mommy
inside the house.

What's in it for me?

You get to spend
the whole day with your daddy.

What's in it for me?

Uh... Well, when I get home
we'll spend the whole evening together.

We'll have lots to talk about.

Talk is cheap! Bring me a toy!

Oh, you sweet thing.
I'm gonna miss you so much.

- Oh, yes! [snickering]
- Aww.

[giggling]

You have a great day.
I'll be back at six.

Fran, don't you worry about a thing.
I've got it all under control.

Earl... Bye.

[chuckling] Bye.

- [door closes]
- OK, nap time.

I'm not tired!

Who's talking about you?

If I work the night shift tonight
I'll need some shuteye.

I'm hungry! Give me breakfast!

All right, you want breakfast?
Here's your breakfast.

Gotta be some vitamins in that.
Make it last.

Olives? [grumbles]

Uh, now, Dad, since you're Mom now,

you've gotta pick up my cheerleading
uniform from the dry cleaner.

[chuckling] Of course I do.

It's really important.

- To you. It's important to you.
- [scoffs]

But, funny enough, to me,
it holds almost no interest.

- [chuckles]
- Oh. Hey, Dad, listen.

Don't forget the junior class
bake sale tomorrow.

Uh, you're supposed to make
six-dozen marshmallow fudge squares.

Um, I'll tell you what, son.

Why don't you just add that to the list
your mother gave me...

...and after school,
you can do these things. [chuckles]

Oh, and do 'em quietly,
'cause I'll be sleeping.

He's better at this
than I thought he'd be.

Yeah.

[mumbling] Can I have more
chocolate cake, please, Mommy?

- A big one. A big one.
- Hey, Dad, um...

- Bigger. Bigger...
- Wake up.

- Dad! Hey, it's almost dinner time.
- Wha...? [stammering]

Oh. Right. Uh...

Did you get all those things
taken care of?

- No.
- Why not?!

I lost the list.

Oh! How could you be
so irresponsible?

- I'm a teenager.
- Oh, jeez. You're right.

Um... OK, what time is it?

- Um... 5:30.
- What?!

Oh, boy. Uh...
All right, well, if we, uh...

split the things on the list,
we should get everything done.

- What do you say?
- Uh... Good luck, Dad.

- Wha...?
- [Robbie chuckling]

- Ooh.
- [ticking]

[panting]

[groans]

Oh! Oh...

[panting]

Dinner's coming right up.
[panting]

[grunting]

- [door opens]
- Honey, I'm home.

Oh, welcome home, Frannie.

Oh, what a wonderful day it was
here at the Sinclair house.

A day full of adorable kids
doing memorable,

unforgettable things
they've never done before

that I'll remember
for the rest of my life,

but... you missed.

Oh, and I bet you were
the most adorable.

- I missed you.
- [chuckling]

- These aren't for you.
- No kidding.

How'd he get these?

Oh, another delightful moment that,
tragically, you were absent for.

But enough about this
happy household.

How was your day at work,
away from your wonderful children?

Earl, the staff at the clinic
are just terrific.

- Ah...
- They really seem to like me.

And ever since low tide, they've just
been swamped with patients.

- So guess what.
- You wanna come back home.

- No.
- [snickers]

They've asked me to stay on full time.

They think they're going to need me
for at least six months.

Jeez! Six... months?!

Maybe more. I have to tell the kids.

- Robbie! Charlene! Great news!
- [stammering]

- [whimpering, panicked breathing]
- [Baby moaning]

Six months! With you?!

Six months... with you?

[both screaming]

[Fran] Now, I know it's a little
awkward your first time.

But don't be nervous.
Just tell everyone your name.

Uh... Hi, I'm Tad.

[all] Hello, Tad.

Hi. And I've been on land
for th-th-th-three days.

Oh. [moans]

- And how's it going so far?
- Oh, it's been rough.

[sobbing] All I can think about is...

...getting back into that
cool, wet water.

- Tad. Tad, remember our motto.
- [Tad moaning] What?

- "One breath at a time."
- [Tad] Oh, I can't.

Now you told me
you had a job interview.

- Oh, yeah.
- How'd that go?

Job? All I can do is crawl on my belly
and wriggle under rocks.

What does that qualify me for?

Sounds to me like you'd make
a pretty good lawyer.

- Yeah, take the bar exam.
- Yeah, go for it.

Remember, Tad, you've got
to slither before you can crawl.

[muttering agreements]

Well, that's about all the time
we have for today.

But before we close,
let's all join together

and share in the strength
of our commitment.

- Oh, all right.
- Good idea.

[all] Oh, grant me the serenity
to accept water only as a beverage,

and the courage
to breathe the air around me,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

- "Take the night shift," you said.
- [stifled grunting]

"She'll miss the kids
and be home in a week," you said.

- [groaning]
- Well, what do you say now, smart guy?

Ah, save your pathetic excuses.

You ruined my life!

- [grunts]
- [gasping, panting]

Well, cutting off my air supply
isn't gonna solve anything.

Oh, no? How about
if I hit you with a stick?

Uh, then I guess I have to go
with cutting off the air supply.

- Oh, Roy.
- [sighs]

If I have to stay home
much longer with the kids,

I'll end up having
a full-scale relationship with them.

I've spent almost 20 years
avoiding that.

[gasps] That's it!

That's exactly what you gotta do.

- What?
- You get the kids to bond with you.

Hey, hey, hey. If I wanted to bond
with my kids, I'd be a mother.

- Ah,
- I'm a father.

It's my job to remain remote
and distant at all times.

What you're saying goes against nature.

That's the point.

If Fran sees the kids getting closer
to you, she's gonna get jealous.

No mother'd just sit by
and let a father replace her.

Her mommy hormones are gonna kick in
and she'll come running home.

Oh, I don't know.

- It sounds good...
- Yeah.

...but your last plan
was a complete disaster.

Exactly.

What are the odds of me coming up
with two complete disasters in a row?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[guitar music plays]

- [tuning guitar]
- Um, son.

- Yeah, I'll go somewhere else.
- Uh, no, no. No, no.

Um... You know,
I was just thinking...

When was the last time I sat down
and listened to my son play his guitar?

Never.

That long.

Well, I guess you've learned
a few new songs since then.

How about playing one
for your old dad?

Uh, OK. OK, um...

- Oh, is this your little ampli-thingy?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Let me listen.

- [playing softly]
- This... This is one I wrote for...

...a pretty girl I always liked...

...but who never knew I was around...

...until I played this song.

[playing loudly]

J Look at me!

J Look at me Look at me

J Look at me!

- [notes squealing]
- [feedback]

J Look at me, look at me, look at me
Look at me, look at me, look at me

[humming]

S ow!

J Look... atme

Ah. So, what'd you think?

[high voice] Huh?

Nope, not happy.

Nope, still not happy. Huh.

- [coughs] Something bothering you?
- [smacking lips]

- How'd you know?
- Uh, well...

Would it help if you and I
had a little heart to heart talk?

[chokes, coughing]

- Whoa! Whoa, are you all right?
- [hacking]

Yeah. [coughs] I'm sorry.
You just caught me by surprise.

- Whoo. Ha. [sniffling]
- So, I'm here for you.

Let's rap.

Oh, uh... Ha! Well...

I hope you don't think
this is, uh, too trivial, but...

I just bought this new sweater and
I don't have anything that goes with it.

That's not... trivial.

But, there may be a way
to put together an ensemble,

if... we go through
my entire wardrobe.

[groans] Gee, I just can't wait.

Now, these earrings go perfect
with the sweater.

- But, they don't match the purse.
- No.

So, we change the purse. Ha.
Then, the earrings don't match.

Problem. So, we turn
the purse around,

- And... we wear a scarf. Ha.
- Oh.

- Instead of the earrings? No...
- [Earl] OK,

she's been talking continuously
for an hour now,

so she's gotta wear out soon.

- [Charlene continues]
- Smile like you're paying attention.

- ...not chic. Unless we...
- That's it. Good. Good.

Eyelids up. Eyelids up!
You're starting to lose it.

OK, now nod the head...
Nod the head!

- Whoop.
- [Charlene] Huh?

Oh... So...
Oh, this purse and this scarf.

You know, you're right. Ha!
That really is the best bet.

Oh, thanks a lot, Dad!

You've really been a big help. Ha.

What a great conversation.
That was neat.

- I never knew he was interested in...
- [breathing deeply]

- OK, kiddo. It's just you and me.
- Yeah.

What do you wanna do?

TV!

- Oh! Ho, ho. No problemo.
- [Baby] Yay!

If I can make a viewing suggestion,

there's a wonderful game
of football coming up.

I wanna see The Little Underwater Girl.

But, sweetheart, we've watched
that tape a hundred times.

I wanna see The Little Underwater Girl!

- OK. If it's what you want...
- Yeah.

...then it's what I want.

Yay! [laughing]

[music plays]

- & Under the water
- J H20

- & Under the water
- J You've got to go

J Every son and daughter
Really ought to live under the water

Again!

3 Under the water

- & Under the water
- [Baby laughs]

J Every son and daughter

J Really ought to
Live under the water

[Baby] Bloop, bloop.

3 Under the water Oh, yeah!

- & Under the water
- [Baby laughs]

J Every son and daughter
Really ought to live under...

- [breathing deeply]
- Dad!

- & Under the water!
- Whoa. Hey, it's dinner time.

Oh, jeez! Your mother's
gonna be back any minute.

- I better get these potatoes on.
- Oh, don't worry, Dad.

I already cooked dinner
and Robbie set the table.

And I didn't bother anybody
for a whole hour.

- Really?
- Dad,

we all saw how hard
you worked today

and we wanted to do
something special for you.

Wow! That's great! How about that?

There's all this cooperation,
all this caring.

We're like a cooperating,
caring unit of some kind.

- Like a family?
- Yeah, like on TV.

- Yeah.
- [chuckling]

Hey, look at these potatoes.
Well done, Charlene.

- Oh, thanks.
- Here we go.

- Ready for dinner?
- Pass that to Robbie.

[Earl] That's for you, sweetheart.

- Smells good.
- There you go.

- Mama!
- Huh?

Mom, what's wrong?

Kids, eat your dinner.
Your mother and I have to talk.

- [sniffling]
- It's all right, dear.

I know that what you just saw in there
had to be a shock to you.

I didn't mean to become the exclusive
object of their adoration, but,

- well, there you have it.
- Oh, Earl.

I never thought I'd see you
and the kids so...

- ...so together.
- Yeah, mmm.

It's the most wonderful thing
I've ever seen.

Huh?

I thought going to work
would be difficult for the kids,

but you've more than
picked up the slack.

Now I can go to work
and not even worry.

[moaning]

Well, worry, Fran. I've taken
your children's love from you.

And now you wanna quit your job,
come home, and win 'em back.

Earl, it's beginning to sound a little
like you don't want me to have this job.

Bingo!

Jeez. The only reason
I let you take this job is

I was sure you'd miss the kids
and come crying home.

You mean this whole thing
was just a scheme?

Roy's scheme. All his idea.

Well, if that was your plan,
you can forget it.

I like this job
and I intend to keep it.

But... But, Fran, please.

You don't know what this is doing to me.

Working nights and looking
after the kids during the day.

Male dinosaurs just aren't cut out
for this sort of thing.

[whimpering] It...
It's breaking me, Fran.

[sobbing] I... I...

- [crying]
- I know it's hard being home.

- That's why I needed to get away.
- [whimpering]

But I like what I'm doing
and I don't want to give it up.

[stammering] Can't we compromise?

Can't you just give up your job
and come home forever?

- That's not a compromise.
- [sobbing] OK. OK, uh...

You stay at work,
but I'll go back to the day shift,

and... we'll hire a babysitter.

- Where do we get the money for that?
- Easy.

I'll cut back on my bowling and beer.

And no more pay-per-view wrestling.

There's your money.
Take it, all of it.

Please!

You're willing to give up all that?

I'm begging you.

So, your mother and I sat down
calmly and rationally,

and worked out a compromise
that works for everybody.

- [Robbie] You caved?
- You betcha.

- Mama stay home?
- No, I'll still be working.

But I won't be gone
quite so long from now on.

You gonna stay home?

No, but I'll be back tonight.

Sing Under the Water?

[snickers] Yeah,
we'll sing Under the Water.

Hug.

OK.

Bye, little guy. Be good.

Bye... Daddy.

You called me...

...Daddy?

- Huh.
- [exhales]

- [giggles softly]
- Whoa! Unhand that child, pally-boy.

You're not Mr. Mom anymore.

The day shift awaits you.

Bye.

- [sighing]
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Ah, thanks.
- Oh, Mom, listen. You'll like this.

I wrote a new song today.

- You did?
- I'll play it for you later.

See there, pally-boy.
Did I have Fran pegged or what?

Once you're home with the kids

- it's hard to leave 'em.
- [sighs]

Ah, the plan worked like a charm.

- Did you hear what he called me?
- I'm sure it was a doozy.

But you're out of there now.
Come on, let's get back to work.

[sighs]

.