Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 3, Episode 13 - Green Card - full transcript

OK, now, come on.
Here comes the Tyrannodon.

- Open up the cave.
- [grumbling]

- Morning, Fran.
- Good morning, Roy.

- Earl'll be down in a minute.
- All right.

- Come on, honey, eat your breakfast.
- No.

[Roy] Ah, the mother bird struggles
to nourish her hatchling.

I love stopping here each day
on our way to work.

It allows me, an unmarried male,
the rare opportunity

to experience first-hand
the simple joys of family life.

Oh! Well, what a unique privilege.

- Morning, Fran.
- [Fran] Good morning, Monica.



Monica, a vision in blue.

Your loveliness is such
that even the bluest of blueberries

- would turn green with envy.
- You've got something on your face.

Oh, yes, let me help you.

Those are the eggs
I borrowed last week.

Thank goodness.
I have nothing for breakfast,

and I've already spent
our grocery money for the week.

Earl's paycheck just doesn't
stretch as far as it used to.

Times are hard for everyone. A lot
of my friends have lost their jobs.

I think the economy's really in trouble.

What is that sound I hear? Is it
someone running down our proud nation?

Someone spitting on our glorious flag?

- Oh, then it must be Monica!
- She's just stating her opinion, Earl.

Yeah, an unpatriotic, negative,
left-wing, wacko opinion.



Are you suggesting we just
ignore the problems out there?

As patriotic citizens,
it is our duty.

According to the Chief Elder, times
are only bad if we think they're bad.

So we should fill our heads with happy
thoughts, and our nation will prosper.

- You're just deluding yourself.
- Exactly.

And it's that kind of delusion that's
made our country what it is today.

I don't know, pally-boy,
I'm kind of frightened.

Monica says folks are losing their jobs.

Will you relax? She works in
the frou-frou world of real estate.

- [Monica] Ah!
- We're tree pushers.

We work in a basic, solid,
recession-proof industry.

Our jobs have never been more secure.

- You're all fired!
- [all gasp]

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh!
- Ow!

- Ow!
- Ooh!

[chuckling] Aah!

You're all fired!
Fired, fired, fired!

Now get out before I split your bellies
and make tarpaulins out of you!

Not to be presumptuous, sir,

but is there a particular reason
why we're being cast into the street?

Or is just another your
delightful, puckish whims.

What do you do for a living, Sinclair?

- Tree pusher, sir.
- Hmm. Look out that window.

- What do you see?
- Uh...

[squawking]

A vast, treeless landscape, sir.

Exactly. We've cleared
this entire subdivision.

Not a tree left in sight.

Now what does that say to you?

It says good work, valued employees.
Thanks for a job well done.

- Wrong!
- [all shudder]

It says, "Get lost, worthless drones,
you've outlived your usefulness."

- Now beat it!
- But I've worked here for 15 years.

I've been here 20.

Fine, I'll call you guys first
when the new trees grow in.

- Thank you.
- In about 400 or 500 years!

- [cackling]
- Uh, not to belabor this, sir,

but doesn't it seem like this
running out of trees thing

is something the company
might have anticipated?

Yeah, the company
should've planned ahead.

- Shh.
- Yeah, we're getting the shaft.

It seems to me like it's high time
that the government

stepped in and started to regulate
these big companies.

Whoa! How dare you blame the company,
you mewling pack of ingrates!

It's not the company's fault,
it's never the company's fault.

It's my fault, isn't it, sir?

No, you sniveling sack of lard,
I'll show you whose fault it is.

Take a look at this!

[Roy] The Journal
of Economic Finger-Pointing.

Published quarterly by the government.

It clearly states that all our
current economic troubles

are traceable to one source:
Four-leggers.

[all mumbling indistinctly]

- Four-leggers?
- That's right.

- Says so right here.
- There's even a pie chart.

Oh, then it must be true.

They've been coming over here for years
from the other side of the swamp,

insinuating themselves
into our communities

- with their decadent, four-legged ways.
- Rotten four-leggers!

- Hate 'em 'cause they're different!
- Gee, I don't know...

Thanks, Mr. Richfield.

1, for one, am glad to be given an easy
target for my unfocused frustrations.

Just doing my job. [laughing]

As more depressing
economic figures become public today,

the Chief Elder took swift,
decisive action by saying

it was all the four-leggers fault.

They undermine our family values
with their long, provocative necks.

They wear down our roads and
highways with their excessive feet.

And their huge size
has led to the collapse

of our savings and loan industry.

Don't ask me how, it just has.

- [TV turns off]
- Um, why are four-leggeds bad?

Oh? [clears throat]
Let me explain, son.

- OK.
- You see, we walk on two legs,

- Uh-huh.
- And they walk on four.

So they're different and therefore evil.

- Well, I got four legs.
- [chuckles] No, no.

- No, those are arms.
- Well, I walk on them.

[chortles] Well, maybe
you're just a little too young

to understand the finer points
of race hatred.

Oh.

[woman] Oh, doctor, what is it?
Is it bad news?

Gloria, the news is good.
1 love you.

What's she doing kissing him?
I thought she loved Lionel.

No, she never really loved Lionel.
Not the way he deserved to be loved.

Ah.

Earl, you've done nothing for days.
If you're going to be around the house,

I could use some help
cleaning the bathroom.

Frannie, the four-leggers
took away my job.

I'm not about to turn around
and deprive you of yours.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh, honey, would you mind?

I'm in the middle of something.

Boy, I tell you,
I better find a job soon.

My bills are really starting to pile up.

Oh, don't worry, Roy. That's the
beautiful thing about hard times,

the way everyone pulls together.

Even the bill collectors are just
a little more understanding these days.

Earl, they're repossessing your car.

Here you go, deadbeat.
Next time pay your bills, huh?

Boy, this recession stuff's pretty bad.

Next thing you know
they're gonna come for my TV.

Don't worry, the government'll
never let that happen.

Television's an essential tool
for making the disenfranchised masses

feel distracted and reassured.

Hey, Earl! Forget the recession,
get a load of these new shows.

- Happy viewing.
- Bye.

[man] How can a family of 19 kids
live in a great, big house

with no father, no job and no money?

Easy, they're livin' on love!

That's Livin' on Love at eight.
Followed by Sticking Together,

Silver Linings,
and Rose-Colored Glasses.

Gosh, I guess
life isn't so bad, after all.

- Fran, I can't believe it.
- Hmm?

I got fired from my job today
just because I'm a four-legger.

What?! Monica,
that's insane, are you sure?

Oh, yeah. Word came down
from the main office.

If you got four legs, you're out.

They fired me,
two desks, and a coffee table.

Mom, quick, turn on the TV.

Hi, Monica.
You really should see this.

Today, in a special session,
the Council of Elders

enacted sweeping legislation making it
illegal for anyone to have four legs.

[both gasp]

Four-legged dinosaurs have
24 hours to abandon their property

and return to the other side
of the swamp,

unless they are married to a two-legger

or are willing to undergo
the necessary surgical alterations.

Hey, Fran, you hear
the good news? [laughing]

Oh, tough break, Monica.
Will you be having a garage sale,

or are you taking
all your stuff with you?

She's not going anywhere, Earl.

We're her friends and
we're going to stick by her.

- Yeah.
- Hey, there's nothing I'd like more.

But the law is the law.

Hey, what if there was
somebody you could marry?

Then you could stay in the country.

Don't help us here, Charlene.

Unfortunately, all the males I know
are absolute pinheads.

Present company included.

Don't try to ply me with flattery,
four-legger.

- In 24 hours I'm turning you in.
- [all gasp]

I'll marry you, Monica.

- Huh?
- What?

I'd be honored
if you'd be my wife, Monica.

What?!

Will you marry me?

Uh... l... Uh...

That's a very flattering offer, Roy.

- But he didn't mean a word of it!
- Huh?

Do you know what you're doing?

Sure! I'm asking Monica
if she'll marry me

so she won't have to leave the country.

Oh, a wedding!
Oh, it's so romantic!

Oh! I gotta find something to wear!

- Romantic? It's disgusting.
- Huh?

When a two-legger marries a four-legger
it's a crime against nature.

Watch. You'll have kids with three legs.

- Earl!
- If I could just say something, please.

Buzz off, sister. No one's
listening to your pathetic lies.

- Huh?
- I can't let you go through with this.

Listen to her, bud,
she's making a lot of sense.

Roy, I don't want you
getting caught up in my troubles.

And to tell you the truth,
I don't really love you.

Oh, hey... Yeah,
I know I'm not your dream guy.

But it seems to me
like you really need a friend.

And... uh...

Do you like me, at least, a little?

Uh... a little.

- Oh, jeez! Come here.
- Yeah, yeah!

You can't do this!
She's one of them!

- Huh?
- The enemy!

She's not the enemy.
I think she's cute.

And there's no such thing
as a cute enemy.

But, Fran... I's just...
He's just so goofy.

But a sweet kind of goofy.

It just doesn't seem right.

To have to marry someone because
of a law that doesn't make any sense.

We're not talking about a real marriage.

It's a chance for you to stay in
the country and fight for your rights.

What they're doing is wrong.
Don't let them run you out.

Well...

- OK, Roy.
- [both] Huh?

I'll marry you.

Hot dog! I gotta call my mom.

Roy, Roy! I'm warning you.

You go through with this thing
and you may no longer call me friend.

- Huh?
- Weigh carefully.

Your meager fondness for Monica,

against our solid, unwavering,
long-term friendship.

We are gathered here today
to join together these two dinosaurs

in that most sublime union
known as holy matrimony.

[Earl] Grab his face-mask, you idiot!

- Huh?
- What?

Uh, could you excuse me
for just a second?

First down, take it all the way!

Earl, keep it down in here.

Oh, is there some misguided
ceremony going on in the other room?

I wasn't aware.

How can you sit there while
your best friend is getting married?

The individual you referred to
is no longer my friend.

Meet my new friend, Mr. TV.

He will never betray me,
he'll never let me down.

- [TV shorting, crackling]
- Oh, darn reception!

- Piece of junk!
- [moaning]

[wedding music plays]

Hey, is it time to throw the rice yet?

- Not yet, dear.
- When?

- Soon?
- Now?

- Not yet.
- I'm gonna eat it.

- Fine.
- OK.

[clears throat] I believe you've each
prepared something special for the vows?

- Oh, we have, Your Eminence.
- Yeah.

[clears throat]

I, Roy Hess, take you, Monica,
to be my wife.

I promise to love you
and to honor you,

but strictly in a non-personal,
non-intimate way,

with no touching whatsoever.
[clears throat]

- OK?
- Very good.

And I, Monica DeVertebrae,

take you, Roy, to be my husband.

I promise to like you,
and treat you with that

same basic respect
that I show to all sentient life forms.

I feel like I'm glowing.

By the power vested in me, I hereby
pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

[gasps] Uh...

Oh, my gosh. [groans]

Huh!

- Oh, it's all so beautiful!
- You can throw the rice now.

- [all cheering]
- [wedding music plays]

[humming The Wedding March]

Well, here we are, huh?
Home sweet home!

[chuckling] Monica?

- Over here, Roy.
- Huh? Oh!

Sorry about not carrying you
over the threshold, there.

Oh, that's OK.

Will I be all right where I'm standing?

Oh, for now. But you'll have
to move Tuesdays and Fridays.

That's when they clean the streets.

Oh. Um, so, this is
your apartment, huh?

Formerly known as "babe central."

[chuckling] Oh, boy,
if these walls could talk.

- Mmm?
- Huh? Oh...

But now that I'm an old married guy,

well, those savage, untamed
bachelor days are all behind me.

See? Napkin rings.

Roy, this is just temporary
until I get my own house back.

Yeah.

Why are you grinning at me?

Oh, nothing.
I just can't believe you're here.

Me neither.

So, uh, let me show you around.

That's my bench press,
you can use it anytime you want.

There's the TV, and... uh...
there's the bed.

You'll get to sleep there.

Um... Where are you gonna sleep?

Uh, I'll just bunk down
on some other piece of furniture.

- The desk or the coffee table.
- Well, what about the sofa?

Oh, that's perfect!
Why, I never thought of that.

Boy, it's great having
somebody look after you.

[chuckling]

[yawning]

Well, I guess I'd better turn in.

I gotta get up early tomorrow
and look for work.

After all, I am the breadwinner
in the household now, and...

I don't want you
winning my bread for me.

It's just until you get your job back.

Friends can help friends.
It doesn't have to mean anything.

Um... all right, Roy.

- Good night.
- Uh, good night, Monica.

Uh, sleep well.

[moaning]

[sighing]

Well, I guess you're all wondering
why I called you here.

I'm wondering myself since
I hate the stinking sight of you.

However, the company's
unveiling a new jobs program

to keep you bloated slobs
off the welfare rolls during these

- difficult economic times.
- [all cheer]

I have been named foreman
of a very special construction project.

The Anti-Four-Legger Swamp Wall.

- Look at that!
- Hey!

Wesayso is getting
a big government subsidy

to build a huge wall around the swamp.

So that those stinking four-leggers

can't sneak over here and undermine
our sacred free-enterprise system.

Wow!

We're building a stone wall that's
supposed to float on top of the water?

Isn't that dangerous?

That's why we'll need
lots of extra guys.

There's enough work here for everybody!

[all cheer and laugh]

Uh, hi, guys. OK if I come in?

What are you doing here, Hess?

Oh, I heard there were
new jobs available.

Well, you were misinformed.

Oh.

We've got nothing for an
enemy sympathizer like you!

You're a security risk.
You might sabotage the entire project.

Oh. Sorry.

Well, I guess I'll just be going then.

- See you guys around.
- Mm-hmm.

See ya, Earl.

[exhaling deeply]

[door closes]

Gee, sir. I couldn't help but notice how
brutal and heartless you were just then.

Thank you.

You know, Roy could really use this job.

He's got a family now.

He's got the wrong kind
of family, Sinclair!

But, sir...

Of course, maybe you'd like to join
your friend on the unemployment line.

Happy to be aboard, sir.

Smart move, Sinclair. Stick with
your real friends at team Wesayso.

We're gonna make history!
[laughing]

One of the worst disasters
in Pangaean history today,

as workers drowned during
the first day of construction

on the new anti-four-legger swamp wall.

Nobody ever tried heavy construction
on the surface of a swamp before.

Apparently, most things sink!
Now we know.

- Oh, goodness.
- Jeez.

I hope your father is all right!

As a curious sidebar to the story,

apparently four-leggers
from the other side of the swamp

pitched in during the rescue effort,

risking their own lives while helping
to save dozens of drowning workers.

Go figure.

Honey, I'm home,
and I brought... dinner!

[grumbling] Yuck!

Oh, Earl, I was so worried.

You better dry off.

It was just insane, Fran.
I tell you, they're trying to kill us.

Sounds like the government
didn't think things through.

See ya.

You... [groans]

Oh, it kills me to admit it,
but he's right.

The government's out of its mind!

Our guys are drowning and they're
throwing bags of cement at them.

A four-legger from
the other side pulled me out.

Maybe the four-leggers
aren't the real enemy, after all.

Hey, pally-boy, are you all right?

We saw the news
and we rushed right over.

Oh...

Well, uh, guess you're OK
so we'll be going now.

[stammering]

[sighing] Stay.

- Huh, what?
- Huh?

Stay for dinner.
We want you to be our guests.

Sure you've got enough?

Well, we don't have
a lavish table these days,

but there's always enough
to share with our friends.

And those our friends care about...

...for some stupid reason.

Oh, what a lovely sentiment.

[groaning] Monica, I apologize.

It was wrong for me to hate you
just because you're a four-legger.

Well, that's OK, Earl.

I'm sure if we work on it,

we can come up with lots of
other reasons for you to hate me.

Oh, thanks. That'd help.

In light of the swamp wall
incident today,

public opinion has taken a radical
shift on the four-legger issue.

A DNN Insta-poll shows
that most Pangaeans feel that

poor government policy
is to blame for our bad economy,

and not the four-leggers.

The Council of Elders
has appealed to the Chief Elder

for leadership and
practical solutions to this crisis.

As of today, we are officially
repealing the anti-four-legger laws.

[both cheer]

Well, I guess we don't
have to be married anymore, huh?

I guess not.

I hope you don't mind.

Hey! Marriage was kind of
cramping my style anyway.

But, um...

I was wondering, uh...

...maybe we could take in
a movie sometime, huh?

Hmm? I'd like that.

Oh, yeah! Still got the touch!

It was never our intention to impugn
our multi-legged brethren.

Everyone knows that the very
real problems in society

are far too complex to blame
on the four-leggers.

No, the finger of responsibility
must be pointed at...

...amphibians!

- What?!
- Who are these guys, anyway?

Breathe air? Breathe water?
Make up your minds!

- Aw, shut up.
- [TV turns off]

Come on, Fran,
let's have dinner with our friends.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

.