Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 3, Episode 1 - Nature Calls - full transcript

Honey, I'm home!

[up-tempo music on TV]

[man] One badge, one gun,
three horns.

TriCera Cops.

TriCera Cops, you're unconventional.

One more stunt like that
and I'll have your badge!

Have this.

- Anything else, Lieutenant?
- [groaning]

TriCera-Cops,
coming this fall on ABC.

Wow. A maverick cop
who can't work within the system.

I think that's unprecedented.



- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[both sniffing]

Oh... Oof... Geez.

- [grunting]
- [Earl] Yikes.

[sniffing]

- Ooh...
- Yep, it's me. Need a change.

I guess you're feeling
pretty proud now, aren't you?

- Made it all by myself.
- [all groan]

I think you better do
something about this, pally boy.

I'm beginning to feel
a little bit woozy...

Yeah, all right. I guess there's
no avoiding the dirty work.

Fran, we need a
diaper change in here pronto.

Three and four,
and five and six. OK, OK, sweet ladies.

You've laid your eggs.



Now it's time to shake those tails
and tighten those tushies.

- And one, and two...
- [all panting]

Grandma, you could do
some exercises in your chair, you know.

Believe me, sweetie, at my age
waking up is all the exercise I need.

[giggling]

[Earl] Frannie,
you gotta change the kid.

The wallpaper's starting to peel.

- OK, Earl, I'll be right in.
- [TV show continues]

- Fran, why can't he do it?
- You mean Earl change the diaper?

- [chuckles] No, no.
- Yeah.

It's not like he's real busy in there.

I don't know. Watching TV, burping.

Scratching himself.
His plate's pretty full.

Yeah, Mom. Why don't you let Daddy
change a diaper once in a while.

- Oh, I couldn't do that.
- Why not?

Well, because... uh...
I don't know. I just never have.

Fran, if you're ever
going to have a life of your own,

you've got to train Earl
to take a little responsibility.

Train him?
But that sounds so cold.

Nonsense. It's a perfectly
normal part of marriage.

Here. If he gives you any trouble
just smack him on the snout with this.

- Mother, please.
- [Earl] Frannie, get in here.

And bring a beer while you're at it.
And some pretzels, too.

Give me that.

I've changed every diaper in this house
for the past 15 years.

- Now it's your turn.
- Well, we're skipping my turn.

I'm not getting any fresher over here.

You know, Dad,
Mom's got a point.

It is kind of sexist to expect her
to change all the diapers

just because she's a female.

Well, we don't want
to be sexist, now, do we, son?

- Uh-huh.
- Here, knock yourself out.

I'm waiting.

Earl, this isn't
Robbie's responsibility.

- Oh, thanks, Mom. Later.
- I'll be back in ten minutes.

- But...
- Does it stink in here or is it me?

[groaning] All right,
let's get this over with.

- Roy, give me a hand.
- [groaning]

- Easy... Careful!
- [grunting]

- Let's see what we got here.
- Easy.

- Oof.
- You sure you know what you're doing?

- Haven't a clue.
- Mommy!

Hey... Don't you worry, little guy.
You're in capable hands.

Your dad and Uncle Roy
have everything under control.

- Yeah.
- Hey, hey.

- Watch it, watch it.
- [Earl] OK, let's open her up.

Oh, no.

[both muttering, groaning]

I---

It's OK, it's OK.
We can... We can get through this.

Let's just breathe through our mouths
and think of daisies.

- [gasping]
- [thudding]

Roy? Roy! Roy, don't
leave me alone here with this!

Oh... Don't you point
that thing at me.

Oh, God!

Gotcha! [chuckles]

[Earl] Oh, geez. [groaning]

Earl, it couldn't have been that bad.

Oh, Fran, it was horrible.

I mean, I've heard stories,
but nothing could prepare me for...

- For that!
- It was no picnic for me either.

Well, you better get used to it, Earl.

It's going to be
your responsibility from now on.

- Huh?
- I am not changing any more diapers.

- Neither am.
- This could get ugly.

This is female's work.
That's why I married a female.

We'll discuss this later.

I don't want to lose my temper
in front of the B-A-B-Y.

OK, but I'm telling you right now,
I'm not changing anymore

- D-I-P... No, wait. D-A-l...
- [groans softly]

[Earl] No, no, no. D-A-P...
No, no, no. G...

[chuckling]

Earl, he's your son too.

You're going to change every one of his
diapers until he's potty-trained.

- That's it! Potty training!
- Huh?

You've got an hour
before you have to cook dinner.

Take him to the bathroom,

show him how it's done,
we're both off the hook.

First of all, Earl,
potty training takes weeks.

Second of all, he's too young.

First of all, Fran, you're wrong.
And second of all, you're wrong.

So I guess you lose this argument.

You think the baby can be potty-trained?
Fine, you do it.

Fine. I'll have this kid
out of diapers in no time.

Fine!
What are we talking about?

Now you're a big boy.

You're gonna start using the potty
just like Mommy and Daddy.

- Doesn't that sound like fun?
- No!

Hey, is that any way
to talk to your new friend?

Here, watch me.

Hi there, Mr. Toilet.
How are you today?

Oh, fine, Earl.
Good to see you again.

[yawning]

[Earl as the toilet]
Is it our special time already?

Oh, not for me, Mr. Toilet. I brought
a little friend who'd like to meet you.

He'd like to know how you work, Mr. T.

Oh, well, if he's a friend of yours,
I'd be happy to tell him.

And, by the way, did you lose weight?
You look terrific!

Oh, stop it.

No, I mean it.

Oh, you shouldn't.

- No, you do. You look... Huh?
- [giggling] Huh?

All right, that does it.

- What?
- See? Here.

- What's that thing?
- This is Mr. Toilet's son.

Hey, there's a hole in this chair.

Of course there's a hole in it.
That's the whole point.

- Now, go.
- Don't wanna go.

Oh, come on.

- Mr. Toilet's a friend.
- No.

And the best way to
treat a new friend is...

...to sit on him and
give him a big present.

[gasps] That's disgusting!

That may be,
but you're gonna do it anyway

because it's time for you to grow up.

- Don't wanna grow up.
- You gotta.

- No.
- All right, let's see what it says.

- [grumbling]
- [moaning]

"If friendly encouragement
does not succeed,

mental imagery can be used
to induce results."

[humming]

"For example, you can ask the child
to imagine a babbling brook

flowing forth rushing water."

Or... "A large dam ready to burst"

under the weight of an immense
rain-swollen reservoir."

Ooh. "Or a gushing, rushing,
splishing, splashing waterfall..."

[Baby continues humming]

- ...spraying forth a mighty stream.”
- [Baby] Mighty stream.

"Trickling, drizzling.
Drip, drip, drip."

Ooh! Out of my way, I'll show ya.

- Yeah. Hurry! Oh, watch it.
- Make room for Daddy.

- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.

Ooh, hors d'oeuvre. Aah. Mmm.

- How'd he do, Earl?
- Fine. Now let's eat, I'm starved.

- Ooh.
- [straining]

And what would you be doing?

Nothing.

[grunting]

You're going to make a poop, aren't you?

Maybe.

- He's going.
- Definitely.

Are you going or not?

- [gasping] Not anymore.
- All right, that's it.

We're going back up to the bathroom,

and we're not coming out until
one of us is potty-trained.

- No!
- Mm-hmm.

- No!
- Yes!

Daddy... Don't gotta go.

- Tough. Have another prune.
- No, no, no.

[man] Warden,
what brings you down here?

Bad news, Rocco. The governor
turned down your appeal for clemency.

He said you're not civilized enough
to live in society.

Civilized?
Who wants to be civilized?

It's freedom I'm after.

Freedom to do what! want to do,
and go where I want to go.

- I wanna go where I wanna go.
- You're gonna go right now.

Wait, I'm gonna get you some
prune juice. That'll make you go.

[laughing]

Don't be a baby, Rocco.
Get in the chair.

No. Not the chair!

Not the chair!

Society has spoken, Rocco.

- It's time to give you the juice.
- No, not the juice.

Not the juice!

- Aah!
- [screaming]

- [snoring]
- Uh... Mother Phillips.

You're lying there so calm and peaceful.

If only you had
a tag on your toe. [chuckling]

[humming]

Baby, I'm coming,
I've got something for you.

I'm gonna go where I wanna go!

There.

Junior, have we made a little
deposit in the porcelain bank?

Huh?

Huh?

Oh!

Oh, no! Oh... Oh, no!

Hold your breath!

[snoring continues]

[Baby] & Motor running

J Head out on the highway

J Lookin' for adventure

J Or whatever comes my way

J Born to be wild }

Don't worry, little guy,
I'm gonna get you out of there.

You may feel a little pressure.
Just relax and don't touch anything.

[grunting]

[knock on door]

- Earl, are you two still in there?
- [shouting]

[stammering] Hi, honey. What's up?

Earl, it's late. Come to bed.
You can try again tomorrow.

Fran, this is a delicate procedure.

I know what I'm doing.
Go back to sleep.

- [toilet flushing]
- Oh... Oh, my son!

- Earl, did he go?
- Oh, yeah, he's gone.

He went? Oh, that's wonderful.
I'm so proud of both of you.

Are you coming to bed?

Yeah, in a minute.
We're, uh... basking in the afterglow.

Aw...

[straining]

[screaming]

I'm coming, son!

[birds twittering]

Pretty...
Whoa, breakfast time!

I'm hungry.
Somebody feed me.

Hey, pal, this is the forest.

- Nobody tells anybody what to do here.
- Yeah.

If you're hungry,
get yourself something to eat.

- Yeah.
- Well, OK. Where's the fridge?

Fridge? What's a fridge?

As I understand it, it's a sort of
prison for very tiny creatures.

It's very cold, there are no windows,

and for some reason
there are adjustable shelves.

- Oh.
- Wow. What a bizarre concept.

Civilization is filled
with bizarre concepts.

That's why I've always
steered clear of it.

- Me too.
- Me too.

- Why did you leave?
- Daddy made me go potty.

- [all groan]
- Yeah.

What's a potty?

Another affectation
of the civilized world.

Apparently, when
"nature calls" you've got to go

to this one particular room
and sit in this special chair.

- Wow.
- You're making this up.

- No, no, no.
- No, wait, wait, wait.

It's even more perverse than that.
Everyone uses the same chair.

[all moaning]

- But... But, wait.
- What?

What if you gotta go
and someone's already using the chair?

- Then you have to wait.
- What if you can't?

You have to.

- Yeah.
- Oh, boy!

This is definitely not for me!

Me neither.
I wanna go where I wanna go.

- Well, that's how we do it out here.
- Yeah.

You can go anytime you want,
anywhere you want.

- Yeah.
- Oh. Anywhere?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, except over there.

- That's the volleyball court.
- Yes, of course. Thank you.

Boy, I like the forest.
Hey, can I stay here with you?

- Absolutely. All are welcome here.
- Yeah.

To do as you want. To live as you will
in this verdant paradise.

Where nature's bounty provides for all,

and all creatures co-exist
in perfect harmony.

- [roaring]
- Hello.

Hey! Hey!

Except for that guy.

[Baby moaning] Hey, come on!

Put me down!
Put me down!

My pleasure.
Bombs away!

[screaming] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oof! [chuckling]

Again!

[laughing]

Ooh.

Hi, I'm the baby.
Gotta love me.

Oh, believe me, I do.

And so will my little ones,
as soon as they hatch.

- Yay, playmates!
- Not exactly...

Although they do have a tendency
to play with their food

- before tearing it to bits.
- Huh?

Perhaps I'm being a bit obtuse.

See, when these little darlings hatch,
they're going to require sustenance.

And you, my rotund little reptile,
will be their first course.

- I'm food?
- In a word.

And don't even think about escaping.

The fall would be most unpleasant.

[squawking]

This stinks.

Move. Get out.

Go! [sighing deeply]

Huh?

- Earl?
- [Earl straining] Morning, Fran.

Are you two still in there?

[Earl] Uh, everything's fine.
We're on a roll.

- I want you to open this door.
- No can do, honey.

Big things happening in here.
Don't want to lose momentum.

Mind if I cut in front of you?
I'm late for school.

- I was here first.
- I want you to break down the door.

- Hey, I don't have to go that bad.
- 1 do. Watch it.

- [shouts]
- Whoa.

[shouts]

- [gasps]
- Dad!

Earl Sneed Sinclair.
What are you doing?

- Uh...
- And where is my baby?

Uh, well,
that would depend, sweetheart.

Where's the nearest ocean?

Oh, wow.
Dad flushed the baby down the toilet.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Fran.

I left him to get some juice,
and when I came back

- he'd been sucked down the toilet.
- Earl, that's not possible.

Hey, somebody get down here
and help me.

- Now what?
- Help! Help!

Mom, what's wrong?

First of all, you married that.

Oh... [snorts]

I was calling 'cause
my wheelchair's missing.

Hey, everybody,
the back door's open.

[gasping]

- You stay here.
- What'd you expect, fat boy?

[gasping] Look, the baby's bottle.

- Check it out, wheelchair tracks.
- Ohh...

- Great scoft!
- What?

Don't you see what's happened?

Some fiend broke in...
flushed the baby down the toilet,

drank his juice,
and then escaped in Ethyl's wheelchair.

And yet he didn't take my wallet.

We're obviously dealing
with someone very stupid.

Robbie, take your father
and find the baby.

- Yeah.
- Charlene, you call the police.

- Right.
- I'll wait here in case he comes back.

Comes back?! But, Fran,
he doesn't know how to swim.

Um, don't worry, Dad.
I'll explain it to you on the way.

- It'll be fine. Come on.
- [weeping]

I got your back.
Don't worry about it, big guy.

Shh. Go to sleep.

Nighty night.

J Go to sleep

J Go to sleep

J Go to sleep, little eggies

JLla, la la la La, la, la

JILa, la, la, la, la, la, la? d

[exhaling deeply]

[tapping from inside the egg]

[squeaking]

[stifling] Help!

[whimpering]

This is all my fault.

He wasn't ready for potty training,
but I was too blind to see.

I was only concerned
with my own needs.

Why am I so selfish? Why? Why?

Hey, hey, I think I see something.
Hand me the binoculars.

- No, they're mine. Take this.
- [groans]

- Ha!
- What?

It's Ethyl's wheelchair.

- Well, come on. Here, here.
- OK. Go.

- Come on.
- Daddy's here.

OK. I'll buy the ceramic chair
filled with water.

I'll even believe that they build
the whole room around that one chair,

but what's the roll of paper for?

As I understand it,
and I don't quite believe this myself,

- they take the...
- Hey!

- Hmm?
- What have you done with my son?

The demanding little pink fella
wheeling about in a chair?

- That's him. What happened?
- Well, apparently,

he fled civilization
because some malicious bully

- tried to make him sit on a potty.
- After that.

We chatted a bit, and then he was
carried away by a large, winged reptile.

- What?
- Over that way.

- Over this way? Come on, Dad, let's go!
- Coming!

Help!

- [both chirping]
- Help!

Look, Dad, there's the nest.

- Help!
- I'm here, son. Jump!

- No!
- Why not?

You'll make me go potty.

No, no, no, no.
I promise I won't.

- I was wrong to make you do it.
- Yeah.

- And I won't make you do it again.
- Good.

- So come down.
- No.

- Oh, come on, I said I was sorry.
- [groaning]

I'll prove it to you.
Look, I brought a diaper.

- I surrender.
- Yeah.

I'll think about it.

[grumbling]

- [screeching]
- Daddy!

- I got ya, I got yva, I got vya.
- [Baby continues screaming]

Ooh! [grunting]

- Again! [giggling]
- Nice catch, Dad.

- [grunting]
- Oh!

- Are you OK, son?
- Yeah. Boy, I was scared.

I was so scared...

- I need a new diaper.
- Oh, got one right here.

And we got plenty more at home.

We'll just keep on using them
until you're ready.

- OK?
- OK.

OK.

- [Earl] So... are you ready?
- [Baby] Not yet.

- Oh... But you'll be ready soon, right?
- Don't push me!

OK.

[whistling] Feeling full?

[Baby] Daddy. Daddy!

- [Earl] I'm sleeping.
- [Baby] I'm ready!

[Earl grumbling]

[Earl] OK, here's your special chair.

Now, imagine there's a fire,
and you are the fire captain.

No, no, no, no!
I'm not on fire!

The fire is over there!

.