Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 2, Episode 21 - And the Winner Is... - full transcript

-

Honey, I'm home.

Hello, I'm Sir David Tushingham.

Behind me, a desolate landscape.

Arid, stark, and unwelcoming.

A hostile environment
of relentless heat,

foreboding rock and unfriendly dirt.

Foreboding rock and unfriendly dirt.

But 60 million years ago,
this was a lush tropical landscape,

teeming with life,
crammed with exotic vegetation.

With insects as big as your head,



and mushrooms as big
as your head with a large hat.

And ruling over it all,

the most fearsome creatures
the world has ever known.

Who were these so-called dinosaurs?

Where did they come from?
Where did they go?

And why do these immense creatures,

who ruled the world
for millions of years,

end up as decorations
on children's pajamas?

Very good.

Off you go.

Tonight, we will answer
these and other questions

as we try to debunk the myths,
strip away the illusions

and liposuck the fatty misconceptions

from the thighs of history.



Come on! What does this
have to do with me?

A meteor, three times
the size of Earth,

is heading towards us
in a collision course

that will result in the extinction
of all life on this planet.

This just in.

No, it's not.

Here, beneath the
ancient soil of the Serengeti,

we find these enormous bones.

Too large for any dog to have buried,

they must be the remains
of the great dinosaurs.

If only these bones could talk,

if they had but tongues
and little lips and you could say,

"Hello, bone. Tell us what happened.”

But these bones do not speak.

At least,
not loudly enough for us to hear.

So we can only surmise what life
was like 60 million years ago.

It was then, during the dawn
of the Jurassic period,

that the world first witnessed

the birth of this
most terrifying creature.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

- Ta-da!
- [screams]

Oh! Ooh! Whoa, I'm on the floor.

Oh, it's adorable.

Whoa, I'm naked.

Who's the mama? Where's the mama?

Come here, you sweet thing.

Oh, hi. How ya doin'?
How ya doin'? How ya doin'?

Ferocious, bloodthirsty,
tyrannical beasts,

dinosaurs would
as soon rip your back off

as give you the time of day.

Here is nature at its most savage,

creatures capable
of unspeakable acts of violence.

I'm going to bite you now.

Aah!

Now, this bat may be
a little too heavy for you.

Ow!

Not the mama!

I should have seen that coming.

Oh!

Fortunately, that didn't hurt a bit.

Duh! Uhh.

[thump]

It's like a dream. Somebody pinch me.

Doh!

I love you.

[growling]

Earl, get your head
out of his mouth right now.

He started it.

- Uh-uh.
- [struggling]

Look at him talking
with his mouth full again.

Roy, if you bite
my husband's head off...

Ahh!

But of all the dinosaurs,

none was so feared as the triceratops.

From the Latin "tri," meaning three,

"cera" meaning horn,

and "tops,” meaning boss or employer.

Suggestions! Want 'em! Now!

- Well...
- Well, ... Well, I...

All right.

Let me see which one of you
I wanna hear from first.

Oh, please. No. No. No. No.

Not me. Not me. Not me.
Not me. Not me. Please.

I think...

...pick... you!

[moans]

Certainly, dinosaurs were large.

How large, you ask?

As large as buildings.

What kind of buildings, you ask?

Big downtown office buildings
with many levels of parking

and impressive
rotating restaurants on top.

How did the dinosaurs get so big?

Well, one theory is they ate a lot

and they exercised very little.

So for these enormous,
building-sized creatures

finding sufficient food to sustain life

was a constant struggle.

You can have a frozen dinner, Earl.

We've got a frozen dinner right here.

[Earl] Oh, blecchh!

Aren't you hungry?
Your appetizer is getting cold.

[teeth chattering]

[snoring]

Yo, look here, chunky,
just because you can't sleep,

doesn't mean you've gotta disturb me.

Duh, no, uh...

Then tuck me in. Yeah.

Take me out of the refrigerator
this time of night, I'll lose my space.

Hey, kiss me good night.

Hmm? Oh. [smooch]

And don't be putting me
in no vegetable bin.

I wake up in the vegetable bin
I'll kick your big, flabby dinosaur butt

- [echoing] all up and down...
- [groaning]

This constant quest for food

struck mortal fear in the hearts
of all smaller creatures.

Indeed, no sight on earth
was more terrifying

than a voracious herd
of hungry dinosaurs.

[whistle blows]

Yeah, that's lunch.

- Spit that out!
- Ow!

It's going back to the restaurant.

Hey, I had a hat.

Oh. Ah. Here you go.

Yeah. Thanks.

You're disgusting me
with the way you chew

- with your mouth open.
- Huh?

I'm telling you, I can see your lunch,

and your lunch can see me.

- Nah.
- How you doing?

Will you tell him it's disgusting.

I hate to be critical,
but I'm gonna have to agree.

Let me tell you, you've got one
major plaque build-up back here.

Huh?

Jeez! Swallow it,
spit it out, do something!

- Yeah, make up your mind.
- Ooh.

[rodent] Whoa! Man, do I need a shower.

Earl, you hurt my feelings

and embarrassed me in front of my lunch.

[growls]

- Ooh! Ooh!
- [Earl chuckles]

This is it, boy. Bon appétit.

- Dad, I don't want to.
- Eat him.

I'm not even hungry.

Put him in your mouth and chew.

You can't make me.

Hey, what's with the kid?

Nothing. Nothing's wrong with my kid.

- He's a veggo, isn't he?
- [Earl] Hey, hey!

Will you just eat him
and let's go home, Robbie?

No.

You know, my son tried
the same thing at his age.

"Why do I have to eat
the other creatures?

What's so important
about the food chain?"

- What'd you do?
- I ate him.

- 1 like it.
- I'm tough, but I'm fair.

It's not an exaggeration to say

that the dinosaur's life was defined
by his search for food.

And when food was scarce,

the ravenous dinosaur
was capable of anything.

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Mmm.

[screaming]

Come. Come.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Here is an unexpected and exciting find.

Bones, perhaps 70 million years old,

and unlike any we have found elsewhere.

They are small,
delicate, almost bird-like.

Perhaps this is a new species,

but why here in this one spot
and not anywhere else?

This find might call into question

all we think we know
about these amazing creatures.

We'll be back.

Hello, and welcome back.

Understanding the mystery
of the dinosaurs

is much like putting together
a complex jigsaw puzzle.

Many pieces are easy to assemble,

others more difficult.

Still others fall off the
card table of science entirely

and are lost under
the sofa of obscurity

or sucked up by the
vacuum cleaner of ignorance

or chewed up and made unrecognizable

by the disobedient dog of time.

If only Earth's distant past

came in a box with a picture on the lid,

then we could so easily
answer all our questions.

For example, scientists now speculate

the dinosaur may have had two brains,

one in the head, the other in the tail.

If this is true,

it means, in fact, that dinosaurs

were twice as intelligent
as we previously thought.

All right, who filled in
the holes in my bowling ball?

Oh, never mind. Here's some more.

[Roy] Hmm, what is it?

[Earl] It's obviously a suggestion box.

Hello. This is Roy.
What do you suggest?

As you can see,

I have separated
all known dinosaur wisdom

into three categories:

[Earl] Animal, vegetable, rocks.

Well, what about fire?

Vegetable.

What about water?

Water is the opposite of fire,

which we previously
established as a vegetable.

What's the opposite of a vegetable?
Fruit.

So water is a fruit.
Fruit is not a vegetable,

so it has to be either
an animal or a rock.

We know it's not an animal.
Therefore, fruit is a rock.

Sometimes, on a paleontological dig

such as this,
we unearth an artifact so unusual,

so unexplainable,

an artifact that so challenges
our fundamental beliefs

that we're tempted
to put it back in the ground,

cover it up and dig somewhere else.

Here is something
we're covering up right now.

A moment, please.

Here are the bones
of a group of dinosaurs

huddled around this mysterious cube.

What was this box?

What made it so important,
so compelling,

that these gargantuan creatures
sat around it until they died?

We want to watch television.

And now that we have cable,

our TV's become
a rocket sled to adventure.

Buckle up, kids! Yeah!

Hi, and welcome to The Hat Channel,

24 hours a day of hat news,

hat features and hat happenings.

[male on TV] Pangaea's watching ABC,

the Antediluvian Broadcasting Company.

I always felt I was an herbivore
trapped in a carnivore's body.

Cross-eaters, today at four on Raptile.

Now, listen, Ugh,

I'm expecting an important
package this afternoon.

So whatever you do, don't open it.

I won't, Woodrow.

[announcer] Hilarious hijinks
with that talking caveman,

this afternoon on Mr. Ugh.

3 lam Mr. Ugh

[announcer] Today at four.

It's television.

They say whatever they want.

Television is responsible for the
utter degradation of our society.

We should write letters.

- Mom?
- What?

Get a life.

[frock music plays]

Welcome back to DTV.

You're in the middle
of a weekend of macho idiot rock.

That's right. All weekend long,

superficial adolescent male posturing
and shallow, meaningless songs.

Cool.

This special weekend
is brought to you by BEER.

Well, as you can see,
we've got ourselves

an active super-continent this morning.

In the north, violent volcanoes,

including one particularly big boomer

that ought to rip the
Tigris-Euphrates Valley wide open.

So if you've got relatives there,

kiss 'em goodbye.

[male announcer] Once again,

it's time to learn about science
on Ask Mr. Lizard.

- Hi, kids.
- Hi, Mr. Lizard.

Hi, Mr. Lizard.
What are we going to learn today?

Well, Timmy, what do you think would
happen if we mix potassium nitrate,

- charcoal and sulfur?
- Ah.

Hmm. Gee, Mr. Lizard [ don't know.

We're gonna need another Timmy.

Aah!

Say it.

We're going to need another Timmy.

Yay!

Gee, Mr. Lizard, what should I do
with the nitroglycerin?

[both] We're gonna need another Timmy.

Well, Timmy, you just pour it
into the blender there

while I get behind this lead shield.

OK.

- [both] Say it.
- [explosion]

[glass breaking]

We're gonna need another Timmy.

I've never seen
a real jet engine before.

- Keep looking.
- OK. I don't think it's going to work.

I mean, nothing's happening...

[both] Say it!

We're gonna need another Timmy.

I don't want the kids to think.

I want the kids to watch safe,
little situation comedies

with time-tested,
repetitive story lines.

[male announcer]
Coming this fall on ABC.

He's a big-city dinosaur detective

who leaps through time to adopt
seven interracial children.

She's a ghost with seven interracial
ghost children of her own.

They're moving to the country
to become district attorneys.

And watch the sparks fly
when Mother moves in.

It's all Way Too Complicated!
Wednesdays at eight.

Wow!

[groaning]

Jeez. More of the same.

And so, we leave this artifact

for future generations
of paleontologists

to dig up, ponder over,

become frustrated with
and then bury again.

Oh, thank you, Miss Honeywell.

You're doing a splendid job.

You're capable, efficient,

very professional.

Sex.

For the dinosaur,
mating was an elaborate ritual.

Hey! Hey!

Look at the tail on that one.

Lift it, don't drag it, sweetheart!

So, Mom, when I walk,

do I swing it back and forth
or do I just let it drag?

Nice girls don't swing.

So boys like that?

They're crazy for it.

Mother.

Sweetheart.

Just swing it a little...
until you get married.

Then you can put it away.

And even though young Robbie

was caught with his pants down,
so to speak,

he was merely pursuing
the female of the species.

I'm sure even you, as a youth,

fell prey to a well-turned tail.

Am I right?

[chuckling]

Well, I may have played
love's fool once or twice.

[chuckling] Aah!

Wanna make more of
an impression with the ladies?

From time immemorial,
dinosaurs have known

there's only one way
to a woman's heart.

It's not flowers.

It's not candy.

Yes, it's the mating dance.

[crooning] Ahh. Mm-mm.

Ahh. Ahh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

J Doo doo

J Doo doodooda !

Fran?

[snoring]

[Tushingham] Male. Female.

To the untrained eye,
they're virtually indistinguishable.

But within the dinosaur family,
gender roles are quickly established

and rigidly maintained.

Charlene, you are now my son.

Thanks, Daddy.

Frannie, could you just for
one evening forget you're a female

so I could get romantic with you?

Dad, when's Mom coming back
from Grandma's?

When she's recuperated from you.
Until then, I'm the mother.

OK, Mom, can I go to a movie tonight?

Not a chance.

Dad said I could.

Uh... He really did?

Mm-hmm.

Dad, I had a late lunch.
I'll see you later, OK?

Where are you going?

Out with the guys
to mark some territory.

[screaming] Oh!

[groaning] Oh! Oh!

I slaved over a hot oven
making a nice dinner for you kids,

and now you're gonna sit
at this table and eat that dinner

and express proper gratitude
to your mother-father!

[both] Night.

Hey, you don't think
I'm gonna let go of this table

and come after you two?
You're playing with fire here.

I tell you, you're playing with fire!

No, I'm playing with fire.

What?

[chuckling] Ooh!

No!

[laughing]

Oh! Oh!

- Oh! Ooh.
- [chuckling]

- Daddy.
- What?

- Hot.
- Oh!

Where we going?

[Baby laughing]

[giggling]

Again!

Children.

Like all animals,
dinosaurs cherish them.

Give me that!

Dinosaurs cherished their young.

That's mine!

Looked forward to the birth of each
offspring with eager anticipation.

What I'm trying to say is that

life holds such enormous possibilities

as long as there's nothing
inside that egg.

[sucking]

[moaning]

In return for the love and protection
they gave their young,

the dinosaur parents demanded
complete respect and obedience.

[Baby] Not the mama! Not the mama!

Not the mama! Not the mama!

Not the mama! Not the mama!

You do that one more time
and I'm gonna throw you across the room!

Not the mama!

Whee! Oof!

Again!

Want to give Daddy a kiss?

Not the mama!
Not the mama! Not the mama!

Not the mama! Not the mama!

That is starting to bother me.

Not the mother. Not the mother.

[sighing]

No, that's not it at all.

Good morning, my family who loves me.

Not the mama.

All right, that ends right now.

I've had it up to here
with "not the mama."

I'm not "not the mama." I'm your daddy.

You only get one, buster,

and that is what
you're gonna call me: Daddy.

Now say "Daddy."

Say "Daddy."

OK. All right. All right.

Say "Da."

Da...

- Say "dee."
- Dee.

T Do...

- Dee.
- Dee.

- Daddy.
- Daddy.

- Frannie!
- Daddy.

- Fran!
- Daddy.

He loves me! Listen to him!

Daddy! Daddy!

J Da-da-daddy
da-da-daddy daddy

J Not the mama

And so, our trek through
ancient times is complete.

But one question remains unanswered:

What destroyed the dinosaurs?

Perhaps it was their own failure
to adapt to a changing planet

with their tiny,
embarrassingly small brains.

They couldn't have known that their
environment was changing around them

and that they must change with it.

Will the same fate befall us?

Impossible.

We humans are clearly capable
of learning from the past

and avoiding such
devastating ecological demise.

Compared to the dinosaurs,

we may be short,
but we're not short-sighted.

This is Sir David Tushingham.

Good night.

Professor, what do you want
us to do with all this trash?

Well, how do I know?
We're in a desert.

Just dump it somewhere.

Let's dump.