Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 2, Episode 19 - Nuts to War: Part 1 - full transcript

-

Honey, I'm home.

[male on TV] Welcome back to Dirty Dare!

As you can see,

I've covered both our contestants
with chunks of meat. Oh... [laughs]

Next we're going to throw them
into the Pit 'O Wild Dogs

where they'll try and find
the one unlocked door

that leads to safety and our grand prize
$25 savings bond

and candy!

- Wow, yeah!
- [man on TV] Sound easy?

Well, it won't be,
wearing these high heels.



[wild dogs growl]

Come on, come on. It's all in fun.

- [screaming]
- [growling]

- Again!
- Blood.

You know, there's
a lot of housework to do,

and it wouldn't hurt you
to get off your big green butts

and give me a hand around here.

Jeez! Fran, what you choose to do

in your free time's up to you.

We wanna watch television.

And now that we have cable,

our TV's become
a rocket sled to adventure.

Buckle up, kids. Yeah!

Hi, and welcome to The Hat
Channel, 24 hours a day



of hat news, hat features
and hat happenings.

Oh, great. Hat news.

Oh, Fran, there's so much
out there to see and do.

And now, we can experience it all
without leaving our chairs.

The fire swept through
two square city blocks.

Miraculously, no hats were damaged.

Yipee. There's some good news.

Dad, you're lingering.

Oh, right. [clears throat]

Hello. You're on the air,
and I'm Just Listening.

Did you have a personal problem
you wanted to talk about?

[female caller] Yes, it's my son.
He won't speak to me.

Really? That's too bad.
Kids can be like that.

Well, good luck.

Hello. You're on the air.

What's on your mind today?

[female caller]
Hi. I've got a problem with my boss.

Oh, gee. Problems at work are the worst.

I hope everything turns out OK.

Bye.

Hi. I'm Just Listening.
What's your problem?

It's amazing, isn't it, Mike?

Not only does it give
my car a showroom shine,

it improves my gas mileage
and cured my spastic colon.

- Wait a minute.
- I know it's hard to believe.

But they couldn't say it
if it wasn't true.

No, no, no, go back to that talk show.

Fran, I'm paying for 162 stations here,
and I'm not gonna waste my money

looking at just one of them
for more than eight seconds.

But at least the last one
had real dinosaurs

talking about real problems.

Ho-ho, kids.

Looks like the cable bug's
got your mother.

Slide over and welcome her
to the dynamic world

of watching other folks doing stuff.

[Robbie] Yeah, come on, Mom.

Hello. You're on the air.

[female caller] My name is Liz.
I have a really big problem.

Oh, that's too bad.
Let's take another call.

Hello. You're on the air.

You're on the air,
and I'm Just Listening.

[male caller] Hi. I don't think
my life's worth living.

I'm on a cellular phone,
and I'm on this high ledge.

That's rough. Hope you get over it.

- If things work out, give us a jingle.
- [sirens]

[male in background] Come on, jump!

Hungry. Closer. Come on! Come on!

Hello, Mama!

You know what the problem is
with this show?

It's the host.
He doesn't do anything.

[sighing] I'm going to call him.

What?

Hey, where you going?

I'm hungry!

Ohh.

Ahh.

Mm-hm.

[grunting]

Ooh, look what I made. Art.

You're on the air.
What's your problem?

[Fran] Hi, my name's Fran.

I've been watching
your show since yesterday.

I'd like to make a suggestion.

It's the mama! The mama fell in the TV.

I think that instead of just
listening to dinosaurs

tell you their problems,
you should try to help them.

Well, it's always nice
to hear suggestions.

Thanks for calling.

[Fran] No, I'm serious.

You could give them advice,
tell them things

that might actually
solve their problems.

That's fascinating.
Well, gotta take another call.

- Excuse me. Fran, is it?
- Yes.

The name's Jerry Valentine.
I'm the show's producer.

You may be on to something
with this whole advice angle.

Hang on, Jer, { don't give advice.
I just listen.

- [growling]
- See? Just Listenin'.

You are so threatened by
the tiniest suggestions.

Isn't that interesting?

The lady gave me an idea.

If you could just give it half a chance.

Look, Jer, as long as I'm here,
I'm Just Listenin'. You got that?

And if you don't like it,
you can find yourself a new host.

I appreciate your sending
the car for me,

but I do have a roast in the oven.

Look, forget the roast.

You've got talent, kid.

I mean, talent is a divine gift.

To squander it would be... a sin.

Now, don't say anything
to upset the sponsor.

- Here we go.
- What?

[announcer] And now
it's time for Just Advisin'

with your host Fran Sinclair!

What do you mean,
don't upset the sponsor?

What do you think I should... say?

Lights. Yes! And...

- Action!

- I'm Fran.
- Yeah.

Huh? Come on.

Take a call.

Huh?

Push the button, Fran.

Oh, uh...

Uh, hello. Ooh!

Uh, hello.

[female caller] Hi, Fran,
the reason I'm calling is,

I'm not sure, but ! think my husband
may be having an affair.

Oh. Well, uh... gee, maybe, um...

Maybe you should ask him.

Ask him! Wow! Incredible advice.

Thanks.

Ooh! Powerful stuff, Fran.

Yeah?

Ground-breaking. Do it again.

Oh. Uh, hello. You're on the air.

[female caller] Hi, Fran.
Love your show. Never miss it.

Thanks, but I've only
been on about a minute.

Well, you're doing a great job.

I'm having a problems
with my teenage son.

He refuses to walk on his hind legs
like the rest of the family.

Should I snap his neck or what?

If it were my son, I wouldn't
snap his neck right off the bat.

- He may just be going through a phase.
- You're right. I've been very unfair.

Thank you, Fran.
You saved my life and my son's.

Yes!

[male announcer] Men, do you suffer
from short attention spans?

Yeah.

Why don't you try letting your husband
think he's won the argument

and then do what you want anyway?

I know that's what I do with my husband.

- Earl, isn't that your wife?
- Hello. You're on the air.

Gee, and I thought
you brought the TV in

so we could watch the game.

What's your wife doing with a job?

Yeah, wives don't work. They're wives.

If they worked, they'd be husbands.

That's not my wife or my husband.

Uh... boy, I have to make a phone call
about something totally unrelated.

Duh...

Well, it sure looks like Fran,
and she's got the same name.

But it's absurd that she
should have her own TV show.

- Maybe it's her sister.
- Roy, that's nuts!

Her sister wouldn't have the same name.

I don't know. My brother Roy
says it happens more than you'd think.

Uhh.

Well, I don't know.

Just tell your husband not to take
the whole paper with him.

Hi. You're on the air.

Hello, is this my wife? Please say no.

- Earl?
- Oh, jeez!

Hey! Hey, Earl! You're on TV!

[all laughing]

J Earl's wife's got a job J

What's going on out here?

Huh? Oh, Uh... uh, nothing.
Nothing at all.

We're just having fun at Earl's expense.

Oh, humiliation. Great stuff! I want in!

Channel 86, boss.

[laughing]

Earl, I'm working.

That's impossible. You were in
the kitchen just this morning.

Can we please talk about this at home?

[sighs]

Yeah, Earl, after you make dinner!

- [male] Dinner! That's great!
- [all laughing]

Guys, I'd like to be alone
with my wife, please.

- [Earl] Turn off the set!
- No problem, pally-boy.

Here you go, complete privacy.

Hey! What'd you do that for?

Give me that. There.

Earl I can't talk about this now.
{ have other calls.

We will talk about it now, Fran,
because I say so,

and I am the mighty megalosaurus...

Thank you.

[laughing]

[all laughing]

Hey, she got you, Sinclair!

Made you look like a thundering boob in
front of millions of viewers. [laughing]

"...and so the woolly mammoth learned

if you marry something
smaller than you,

you have to always
be careful where you step.”

Oh, tough lesson.

- Mm-hm.
- Read another one.

No. I think that's enough for now.

OK.

Then feed me! Feed me!

That I can do.

Good, good, good. Feed me.

- [creatures babbling]
- [creature 1] What do you want?

Baby bottle, please.

[creature 2] There you go.

[muffled] Thank you.

Ah, good, good, good. Ha, ha, ha.

- There you go.
- Gimme, gimme.

Gimme. Mmm. Ahh.

Will you look at this?
My wife goes off and gets a job

and leaves our precious
bundle of joy here all alone.

- I'm here.
- Fine, all alone with Monica.

Earl, the baby and I
are getting along just fine.

Monica, you can't possibly
replace the bond of love

between a parent and a child.

Poor motherless thing.

Not the Monica! [laughing]

I think I can handle it from here.

- Hi, Dad.
- Is Mom back from work yet?

Look at them,
orphans crying out for their mother,

wailing against this injustice.

Personally, I'm proud of her.

Yeah, hey,
she's practically a celebrity.

- Yeah. Jeez.
- Jeez.

Look, you two,
when your mother gets home,

you better act betrayed and abandoned,
or you're both out of here.

Earl, Fran's now a working female.

She's under a lot of pressure.

And right now,
what she needs more than anything

from her loving husband is
understanding, compassion and support.

Not a chance, tootsie.
I see your radical agenda at work here.

What agenda?

You want the wives out of the houses and
into the workforce so they're fulfilled

and their husbands have
a new respect for them

and the sexes live together in harmony.

And then, uh...

I don't have all the pieces
to your diabolical scheme.

You sense a threat
to your male-dominated world.

- You got that right.
- [door opens]

You've gotta stop hitting your daddy
on the head with that juice bottle.

- Ha, ha, ha.
- [Fran] I'm home!

Oh.

How can I say this nicely? Get out.

You two, act abandoned.

No way.

Hey, look hungry.

[belches]

Sorry.

Bye, kids. Good luck.

Where have you been?

- I was out.
- Out. My point exactly.

You were out at some job
I didn't know about

when you should have been here,
putting dinner on the table.

What's that on the table?

- Dinner.
- [Robbie] Wow! Takeout food.

And it's still kicking, very expensive.

Oh, I see your little game.

You skip out on the family,
then you try to weasel your way back in

with expensive culinary delights
we can't afford.

- Spit that out!
- Ow!

It's going back to the restaurant.

Hey, I had a hat.

Oh. Oh. Here you go.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Earl, we can afford it.

I got an advance on
my first week's salary.

I know. It's very exciting.

You got yourself a little job,

and you're making
yourself a little money.

[groans]

[humming]

Hey, hubba-hubba, pally-boy.

Looking good.

Yeah. Check out the tie.
Matching plaid.

Oh!

Can't even see it.

Yeah. Sure sign of quality.

Oh, and, uh,
check out the handkerchief.

What handkerchief?

[chuckling] Am I styling or what?

[chuckling] So, what gives?
You win the lottery

or maybe a rich relative got eaten?

It's the wife.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that.

I always liked Fran.

No, no, she's still alive.

And what's better, she's making money.

Hey!

And I'm being taken care of.

Ooh!

I think I'll go get my nails done today
and maybe a bikini wax.

Hey, Earl. Nice hat.

Hey, what's that smell?

Oh, that.

It's an expensive
fragrance that Fran got me.

Nice, huh?

It makes me feel as fresh
as a bright summer's day.

Gee, sometimes I feel... not so fresh.

Sinclair, now!

Whoa! He forgot to say, "Get in here."

Well, I think he feels comfortable
enough with us that he doesn't have to.

Thanks for calling, and line two...

Yes, my captain.

Your wife's show.

Oh, it's completely
out of my hands, sir. There's nothing...

My wife loves it.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

I always try to encourage
my Fran to speak her mind.

But I hate it!

But not to speak her mind so much

that it could possibly
bother or offend anyone.

That was her idea completely.

1 kind of like the parts
where she uses you as her idiot example,

and you get humiliated.

Oh. Thank you.

What I don't like is,
is put ideas into my wife's head.

And my wife's head
is no place for ideas.

- No.
- No wife's head is.

It's too dangerous.

Could rip apart
the very fabric of our society.

- You understand.
-1...Uh, uh...

I want to so badly.

Get your wife off the TV!

Ah, well, that could be difficult, sir.

You see, she's fulfilled and happy

and making what I'd call
an obscene amount of money.

Hmm.

Earl, I don't want to meddle
into your personal affairs,

but as your friend and mentor,

I advise you to be careful.

Am I in more danger than usual, sir?

Why, sure.

Wife starts making money,
next thing you know,

she'll want to have more
of what they call...

- [thunderclap]
- ..input.

Input?

Oh, yeah. Very dangerous.

Female starts to make money, she tends
to get more bossy around the house.

Input. Watch out for it.

Well, that's not going
to happen with my Franny.

'Cause before I let her input me,

I'm going to take all
the stuff she bought me,

load it in the car
and return some of it. Ha!

[door closes]

Fran, I'm home, and I'm starving.

Is dinner ready?

Earl, I'm home, and I'm starving.

Is dinner ready?

Dinner?

I'd love some. Thank you.

Well, then why don't you make something?

Oh, Earl, I'm too tired.

Would you mind running out
and picking something up?

Money.

I see. I see.

So this is your input
into the dinner decision, is it?

Would you rather
we had something delivered?

Oh, something delivered.

Some more input, hey, Fran?

- What are you talking about?
- Right. That's it. Job's over.

Tomorrow you quit.

I am not quitting.

- Oh, yes, you are, Fran.
- No, I'm not, Earl.

I've made my decision,
and I am the husband.

Need I say more?

Husbands can be so pigheaded.

Maybe I needed to say more.

That's why communication
is so important.

[female caller]
When you say communication,

do you mean like throwing
a frying pan at him?

Well, I've certainly wanted
to do that with my husband.

But I'm sure it's not easy
being a male dinosaur,

working your tail off day after day,

getting yelled at by your boss

just so your family
can have a better life.

Now that I'm working,
I know what the pressure feels like.

It makes me sympathetic
to what males go through,

although it's not easy.

Hey, I wonder if that was meant for me?

Well, I think you married yourself
a pretty deep dinosaur there, pally-boy.

Yeah. Well, she does the best she can.

Yeah.

[whistle blows]

Hey, that's lunch. Long morning, huh?

- Let's go see what's on the truck.
- You got it.

Hi, this is Fran. You're on the air.

[male caller] Hi, Fran. It's Frank.

{ had this show when it was called
Just Listenin", you remember?

[Fran] Oh, sure, Frank.
How have you been?

[Frank] Fine. Thanks.

Giving advice is a big improvement

- over just listening.
- Yeah.

But I think your audience, Fran,

is ready for the next step,
something more visual.

Oh, like what?

[Frank] Off the top of my head,

why don't you have couples
that don't get along

come on the show
and resolve their problems

by throwing things at each other?

That just sounds like
a shameless grab for ratings.

Frank? Yeah, Jerry.

Listen, run that throwing thing concept
by me again, will you?

[choking]

Yuck.

- What's the matter with you?
- This milk tastes bad.

It's all that's left. Deal with it.

Ow!

I feel better now.

[scoffs] I can't believe this.

I threw these dirty clothes
on the floor this morning,

I come home. They're still there.
I mean, what's going on?

Mom's working.
That's why we've got sour milk.

You know, I was all for
this Mom gets a job thing

when it was just more money, but
now it's starting to inconvenience me.

These clothes are
not getting any cleaner.

Well, why don't you
just go and wash them?

Oh, yeah? Why don't you
just go buy some more milk?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

Look what's happening to us.

What?

I'm sorry.

I'm not seriously suggesting
you do your own laundry.

- [Baby] Yes, he is.
- Yeah. I'm sorry too.

- I know you're not the enemy.
- That's right.

[both] Mom is.

- [door opens, closes]
- Hi, kids.

Dad? Dad, listen.

Remember when you wanted us
to gang up against Mom?

- Well, we're ready now.
- Definitely.

Look, kids, I know times are tough,

but your mom's doing something
she finds enriching and rewarding.

[Robbie] So?

So until she realizes it's not,

we've all gotta pitch in
and take over her chores.

- [both] Aw!
- Dinner.

Can't you just re-marry?

Where's the mama?

- Oh, you want the mama?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No problem.

She's coming right up.

Welcome back to
Just Throwing With Frank.

Whoa!

1l should never have asked you out!

Oh! Aah!

You and your dirty socks!

Hey, where's the mama?

I don't know.

- I'm right here.
- There's the mama!

The mama got out of the TV! [laughing]

Franny, what are you doing here?

- I quit my job.
- You quit?

Oh, hallelujah.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fran.

I know I should be more supportive,
but gee, that's good news.

- Well, what happened, Mom?
- Yeah.

They wanted the show to have more...

What do they call it? Oh, yeah. Edge.

[gunshots, screaming on TV]

Ooh! [laughing]

Yay!

Hey, I was watching that!

- It's better not to.
- Oh.

Well, glad to have you back, Mom.
Here's your apron.

And here's the laundry. We missed you.

But now you're back where you belong.

Home for good.

[Baby] Ahh, Mama.

[Robbie] Good to have you home.

Thank you, everyone. Ahh.

[Baby] Mama back.

But I'm not home for good.

[all] What?!

Oh, you mean you're going
out to pick up dinner?

No, I mean I enjoyed working,
and I'm going to look for another job.

- What?
- Oh!

Earl, it's just a job.
I'll still be your wife.

And I'll still be your mother.

I'll always be those things,
but that doesn't mean that's all I am.

[all moaning]

Well, if it's a job you really want,
then I say...

...what's in it for us?

My happiness, Earl.

And if one member of this family
isn't happy, then none of us will be.

Believe me, that's the truth.

Oh, Fran, I guess we could try.

I don't know anything
about running the house.

For instance, on these frozen dinners,

when they says preheat the oven,

do they mean the whole oven

or just the space inside?

[all sighing]

Why don't I cook dinner tonight?

Then, afterwards,
we'll have a few drinks,

send the kids up to bed,

and then I'll introduce
you to the kitchen.

Duh...