Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Mating Dance - full transcript

Fran grows sick of her marital life, but Earl has no idea what the real problem is. So she leaves for a while in order for Earl to better himself, which he does by taking a class on the so-called "Mating Dance."

Honey, I'm home.

[Baby] Waah! Waah!

I'm crying.
That means I'm up!

- [Fran] Earl?
- [Earl snoring]

- What?
- [Fran] Come on, Earl.

You get up for once.

[animal shrieking]

[Fran] Earl, feed the baby.

[Earl] Why?

[Fran] Because if you
don't feed it it'll die.

- [Earl] How many other kids we got?
- [Fran] Two.



[Earl snores]

[Baby] Giddyup, Mommy. Giddyup.

J Da, da-da, da-da, da-da J

Giddyup.
Faster. Faster!

Move along, little mommy.

Move along, move along.

J Da-da dee

J Da da da da da dee dee doo

It's the middle of the night.

Why don't you sleep?

No concept of time.
Wide awake. Let's dance!

} Da da da da da-da doo

Please, please.
Mommy needs some sleep.

I haven't had any sleep
since the night you were hatched.



I love being up
with the mama.

Ah, is that why you wake me up
at 3:00 in the morning,

just to be with me?

Yeah, well, that and
I'm hungry! Feed my mouth!

Fill my belly!

Ohh, ohh, ohh.

[creatures shrieking]

- [Fran] Back. Back!
- [creature] Mine! Mine!

It's 3:00 in the morning.

OK.

- OK.
- Hurry, Mommy. Hurry.

- Give it. Give it, Mommy!
- Here you go, sweetheart.

Right there.

[sucking]

Delish!

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!
Oh. Stomach growling.

Pressure. I'm gonna blow up!
I'm gonna blow up!

Oh, I'm gonna blow!

Oh, I'm gonna blow! Clear!

[quiet belch]

Ahh. Good job.

[giggles]

- [loud belch]
- [rattling]

Well!

Now you really
must, must go to sleep.

Whoa, hey!

We're gonna walk.

We're gonna do the tour.

Wow! I love the tour.

I'm gaga for the tour.

Walk, walk, walk.
Hey, wait a minute!

You're trying to put me to...

- [snoring]
- I don't believe you.

I don't blame you.

I'm gonna do this
all night. [laughs]

[animal shrieking]

J Bop bop bop ba da dee doop

J Bop bop ba da do dow

J Oh, yeah

[snoring]

Hey, Mom, did you
make breakfast?

You're always saying that breakfast is
the most important meal of the day.

I understand that from
a nutrition point of view.

You always say I'm still growing
and that if I don't have breakfast,

I'll just end up looking like
a little stunted anthropod.

I appreciate that
and everything,

I really do.

Uh... except today.
I don't have time for breakfast.

I've got early practice for
the game against Mesopotamia.

Cereal?
Come on. Cereal?

I want something hot.

I want two waffles with
an animal in the middle.

Can you whip that up? Huh?

Don't give me any trouble.

[creatures grumbling]

[horn honks]

[Charlene]
There's my ride.

Oh! Bruno's in the car!

Oh! How do I look?
How do I look, huh?

Charlene?

Mom, get some sleep.

Bye.

[tires screeching]

[sighs]

[creature] Gimme. Gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme!

[gobbling]

Waffles!

[birds calling]

[caveman language]

Frannie, I know
your days are awful full,

what, with your bonbon lunches

and girl chat at the produce counter,

but maybe you could
put a button on this shirt

I've been asking you
to put on since last night.

[gasps]

[groans]

I've been up since
3:30 this morning,

and the baby
wouldn't stop crying.

You had a tough night
with junior?

Robbie came in and said, "I want."
And Charlene came in and said, "I want."

All right, I'll just run over
an antelope on my way to work,

have some for breakfast, put the rest
in the lunchbox, I'm covered.

Stop talking!
You're talking too loud.

Wake that baby,
I'll bite your head off.

Well, nobody wants that.

All'l do is cook and clean

and clean and cook,
that's all I ever do.

I'm turning into a drudge.

Earl, am I a drudge?

Uh...uh...

I love you?

Oh. Cook and clean,
clean and cook.

That's all I ever do.

These are the tools
of my trade.

How's my favorite
married couple?

Fran, put the knife down.

OK, see you at work.

Right behind you.

Oh! Whoa!

I don't get what
the big deal is.

We all have our parts to play.

I'm the breadwinner,
and she's the drudge.

Where's the problem?

Well, we are in uncharted
territory now, pally boy.

This new thing with
dinosaurs getting married

has thrown the conventional
wisdom out the window.

All right. Let's try to
get a handle on this.

I've got a wife's who's
unhappy about something.

This is without
historical precedent.

OK. Let's think.

Yeah. We should be able
to figure this out.

Yeah, we got brains
the size of walnuts.

All right.
What about this?

Fran's, like, broken, right?

I got a broken wife.

So, what do you do
if your car is broken?

Uh... you kick it
and leave it by the road.

Yeah, but what if
you're used to your car,

and you've put on a few pounds
since you met your car,

and you're not sure if you
can attract another car?

Are we really talking
about cars, here, pally boy?

I don't know
what the problem is.

She's been upset ever
since the baby was born.

She wasn't upset
before the baby.

Before the baby, not upset.

After the baby, upset.

Baby, upset.
No baby, no upset.

You lost me completely.

It's the baby! It's the baby
and the house and the kids.

It's too much for her.
She needs some time off.

But if she takes some time off,

then who looks after the kids?

I am so hungry.

- You could do it.
- Huh?

You could take
the kids for a weekend.

Why would I
want to do that?

Well, because it's
just one weekend.

And when she gets back,

she'll be relaxed
and refreshed

and ready to go again
like a brand-new drudge.

Yeah. I guess I could
look after my kids

for a couple of days,

seeing as how it's
in my own self-interest.

Well, we did it.

We had a problem, gave it some thought,
and we solved it.

- And I feel pretty good.
- Me too.

What day is this?

- I have no idea.
- Oh.

Not the mama!
Not the mama!

Not the mama!
Not the mama!

Not the mama!
Not the mama! Not the mama!

You do that one more time, and
I'm going to throw you across the room!

- Not the mama!
- Ahh!

Wee! Oof!

Again!

What's for dinner?

I don't like your attitude.

[gasps]

It doesn't look done to me.

It's done.
It's damn done.

Hey! You give me that back,
or I'll kill you.

Here you go, ace.

Next time you might
want to turn the oven on.

Uh, just a thought.

So, what do you think really
happened to Mom?

Nervous breakdown,
carried off by predators?

Dad said she's at Grandma's.

Isn't that what they
always tell the children.

Hey, Dad, when's Mom
coming back from Grandma's?

When she's recuperated from you.
Until then, I'm the mother.

OK, Mom, can I go
to a movie tonight?

Not a chance!

Dad said I could.

Uh... he really did?

Mm-hmm.

Dad, I had a late lunch.
See you later.

Where are you going?

Out with the guys
to mark some territory.

Take a sweater.

Wait! If he gets
to go out, I do too.

Ahh!

Oh! Oh!

I slaved over a hot oven

making a nice dinner
for you kids,

and now you'll sit at this table
and eat that dinner

and express proper gratitude
to your mother/father!

[groaning]

He's stuck there.

And yet we can move freely.

- 'Night!
- 'Night!

You don't think I'll
let go of this table

to come after you two?

I'm telling you,
you're playing with fire!

No. I'm playing with fire.

What?

[laughs] Ooh.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[laughing]

- Daddy!
- What?

- Hot.
- Oh!

Where are we going?

[Baby laughing]

Again!

Not again!
Not ever again!

No more of this for me.

Tomorrow I go back to work,
and I'm only grateful

that I am not the one
who has to do this

for the rest of my life.

The mama.

Hi, honey.

How was your day?

No, no, no, Fran.
Don't explode.

Everything's all right.

Take another day away.

I don't want another day away.
I missed it here.

But you were unhappy here.

- But I was unhappy away.
- Now, Fran, make sense.

There's only here and away.
The kids made you unhappy,

I gave you a whole weekend off
from the kids.

- Now you're fixed.
- It's not the kids.

Earl, there's something
wrong in my life,

and I don't know what it is.

Your life? What life?
Your life is me and the kids.

All right, look.
Here's your life.

This is the kids.

OK?

And this is... this is me.

OK, now, if it's not the kids...

...what is it?

[telephone rings]

Hello. Roy?

It's me.

[sighs] You should
have seen her, Roy,

just standing there
looking at me.

It made me feel so bad,
it was all I could do

to leave the house
and come down to the bar.

- What does she want from you?
- She doesn't know.

As I understand it,
she does not know.

So then why do you
have to do anything?

Because I'm the problem.

Look, Earl,
I've known you 27 years.

That's longer
than Fran's known you.

And in all that time, I never
thought of you as a problem once.

Yeah, but you're my pal.

Well, what about the rest of you guys?
You know Earl.

Has anybody here got
a problem with him?

- He's a good guy.
- We love you, big guy.

Look, you're a room full of guys,
and the problem's with the wife.

And the wife is female,
so maybe what you've got

is a male/female problem.

What kind of male/female problem?
We're married a long time,

and we just had a new kid.

Anyway, just this morning
I said, "I love you."

- Did you say it sincerely?
- Nah. It was a defense mechanism.

When was the last time
you did the mating dance?

- What are you talking about?
- The mating dance.

The ultimate expression

of a male's absolute commitment
to a female.

[screams]

I myself do it three,
four times a week.

The mating dance is a courtship ritual.
You do it to woo and win.

I wooed.
I'won. I'm done.

Maybe it's time to re-woo.

I don't have to. I got her.
She's in the house.

Maybe the mating dance
isn't just to get her.

Maybe it's to keep her.

Forget it. You don't do the mating dance
for a 38-year-old mother.

- Why not?
- Because.

Because what?

Because... uh...

I forget how.

[male on TV]
And finally, in local news,

officials at the city zoo
report no luck

in trying to mate
Ling-Ling and Chang-Chang,

the two rare
imported humans.

Zookeepers are baffled

at why two seemingly
healthy cavepeople

have not yet
produced offspring.

At this point, it's feared
that Ling-Ling is barren.

And now for the weather.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, OK.

I'm not cleaning anything up.
I'm just going to bed.

- OK.
- Don't expect anything from me.

I wouldn't.

And if you lose a button,
whose problem is that?

Mine, all mine.

Good night, dear.

[Fran] Don't patronize me.

[male 2 on TV] Hey, guys,
wanna make more of an impression

with the ladies?

From time immemorial,

dinosaurs have known
there's only one way

to a woman's heart.

It's not flowers.
It's not candy.

Yes, it's the mating dance.

Whether you're a beginner
wanting to learn first steps

for after the prom

or an old married guy

with a wife who's overwhelmed
by one kid too many,

Mel Luster's
Mating Dance Academy

has the steps for you.

We're open all night

because, let's face it,

when else you gonna come here?

Mel Luster,
since 72 million B.C.,

always the same location,

in the heart of
the seedy part of town.

Hey, you in the door,
how can I help you?

Oh, uh, me?

Well, I'm here for
the $29.95 refresher course.

Well, come on.
Let's get started.

Let's try, uh, a bob dip.

Can you bob dip for me?

Well, I, uh... uh...

OK. Not at all.

Well, we're open all night.

- [Mel] Bend, will you bend?
- [Earl] Come on, I've got such a cramp.

I'm not as young
as I used to be.

- [Mel] How old are you?
- [Earl] Uh... 28.

Yeah. Right.

Left, right. And left.

[both] Weave.

Turn, kick.

Bob, bob, dip.

Weave.

Weave, turn...

kick.

Neck.

Neck.

Chin, chin, chin.

- Yeah!
- [Earl laughing]

Let's see how Marilyn,
our blushing bachelorette, liked it.

Oh! I could spend the rest
of my life with you.

Thanks. I'm married.

- $29.95. Pay Mel.
- Yeah, OK.

Mel, it's a beautiful thing you do.

Oh, it's very fulfilling.

Next!

Caveman from the zoo.

Chang-Chang, come on in.

We've been expecting you.

[grunting]

Frannie.

Frannie?

Yoo-hoo.

Frannie?

Mmm.

Earl?
Where have you been?

I've been out taking
care of your problem.

You'll be happy to know that you
don't have a problem anymore.

I'm so happy.
Good night.

No, no, no! Look!

You're gonna want to see this.
It's important.

I learned it all over again,
just for you.

Ahh! Mm-mm.

Ahh. Ahh.

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Mmm.

Doo, doo, doo.

Da!

Fran?

[crickets chirping]

Your problem is just that
you're tired all the time.

[Baby] I'm up again!

Oh, I'll get it.

No, no, sweetheart.
You sleep.

You need your sleep.

What?

[Baby] Not the mama!
Not the mama!

Not the mama!
Not the mama!

I really wish
you'd grow out of this.

Hey, weekend guy, you think you got
what it takes to put me to sleep?

Please. I've outlasted actual mamas.

Hey, what are you doing?

[humming]

Hey, this is nice.
I like it.

Hey, you like that,
then you'll really like this.

- What? Whoa!
- [both laughing]

Ooh, this is fun.

What are you doing, Daddy?

What are you doing?

Whoa. Daddy's dancing.

J La la, hmm hmm hmm

♪ La la la la

J La la, hmm hmm hmm

[Earl] ; Daddy, Daddy

J Dancing, dancing

J Dancing for the baby

J Goo ga ga, goo goo

Look, look. He fell asleep.

1 did it.

You put the baby to sleep
with the mating dance.

No, no, no.
That was just a baby dance.

I loved it.

But why didn't you like
the one I did for you upstairs?

I liked that one
20 years ago.

Now I like this dance,

where you got out of bed
in the middle of the night

and helped me.

That's the best
mating dance I've ever seen.

Come on.

What are we doing?

What would you like to do?

If it's all the same to you, Fran,

I'd like to catch about 40 winks.

You got it, big boy.