Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Off-Site Meeting - full transcript

Dilbert.

So good to see you.

You simply must
disturb us more often.

Actually, I'm trying to sleep,

which is what normal people
do at 3:00 in the morning.

Normal people?

Oh, how dreadful.

Which brings me to my point.

Your wind chimes are
making so much noise

I can't go to sleep.

We got those on
a trip to the Congo.



It was the Canary Islands, dear.

I didn't see any canaries, but
they could have been hiding.

They'll do that.

It doesn't matter
where you got them.

Can you please
keep the noise down?

Well, it's not us,
dear, it's the wind.

You can't hold the wind, son.

I learned that in
the Aussie outback.

Look, I'm begging you.

All day long, I have to listen
to my pointy-haired boss,

my yammering co-workers,
the traffic, the phone ringing,

and my computer beeping at me.

But knowing I can return
to the quiet of my home...

That little bit of comfort
allows me to cling to my sanity.



It's my fortress of solitude.

I thought only Superman
had a fortress of solitude.

Are you comparing
yourself to Superman?

Rather cheeky, I should think.

Please, the wind chimes?

Would you take them down?

Yes, yes, we'll take care of it.

We always comply
with our neighbors.

Especially the ones
who have super powers.

Did you see the look...

Thank you.

What is it now?

Is the moonlight
bouncing off our house

and hurting you in some way?

You're playing conga drums

and singing at
3:15 in the morning.

Oh. It seems the list
of things you don't like

is growing by the minute.

Please, could you
keep the noise down

for three more hours?

That's all I ask.

Look, lovey,

it's the item we
purchased in Zimbabwe.

I thought it would never come.

That means he's got to go.

Hey! Hey, get him
away from my lawn!

Stop it! Shoo!

He is a nervous fellow.

Yes, he should try
to get more sleep.

Oh, no!

What does the Tree Lover
Society expect from its lawsuit?

Big companies have been
hurting our trees for too long.

We want to show the world
that trees have feelings too.

Are you a nut?

If so, what kind are you?

I am not a nut.

I am a man who loves trees.

I love them in every way
a man can love wood.

Would you mind

handcuffing yourself to a tree

when my photographer gets here?

That's original.

There is nothing
wrong with the classics.

What have you got?

I interviewed an owl.

People, whoo-hoo,

a little more attention
up here, please?

What matters is that

the big corporations
who hurt our trees

must be stopped.

Long live the trees!

That's the man who's suing us...

Elmer Oakley,

the president of the
Tree Lover Society.

Why is he mad at us?

We don't harm any trees.

Actually, we do,
thanks to Alice.

It wasn't my fault.

We'll be the judge of that.

It all started with
benchmarking.

Benchmarking?

Is that even a word?

Benchmarking is when you
study world-class companies

to learn the processes
that make them successful.

Then you try to
duplicate those processes

using less
intelligent employees.

So you try to blatantly copy

another company's success,

knowing fully that
you can't do it as well?

He's a tack, isn't he?

In this case,

I studied a company
that makes paper.

I found out that they have
great training programs,

fully automated systems,
and excellent management.

And they completely
raped the forest,

don't forget that.

Just laid waste to it.

So, naturally, we had

to completely rape a forest too.

Apparently, this damn
Tree Lover Society

was somehow offended.

Only another 10
hours and I'll be home.

Dilbert. Dilbert!

Yes?

That's better.

For a moment, it looked
like you weren't suffering.

What shall we do about
the Tree Lover Society?

Why don't we have a meeting?

I think this is a meeting.

Loud Howard is on to something.

I'm not on anything!

I'm always like this!

I mean, your idea to
have an off-site meeting

and invite the
Tree Lover Society

to work out a compromise.

He didn't say that.

It was implied!

Quiet, I'm trying to think.

That won't work.

We'll use Dilbert's house.

Why my house?

Because it's the
nearest one to my house

without actually being my house.

We can trash your
place until rush hour

and I'll still be
home in 10 minutes.

Your logic escapes me.

Well, you'd better go catch it.

I don't see why I should suffer.

I had nothing to do with
this Tree Lover situation.

Dilbert, do you
realize that the letter "I"

and the word "I" are
one and the same?

Yes.

Good. I think I've
made my point.

Now, who's handling
the refreshments?

Alice will.

Why? Because I'm the
only woman in the group?

Hard to refute
the logic of that.

Let me try.

Apparently, I'll be in charge

of the refreshments.

Alice, I want you to organize
the icebreaker games.

I love Chutes and Ladders!

I think I'd prefer
Russian roulette.

American games only.

You'd better do more than dust

if your co-workers are
coming over here for a meeting.

That's all this house needs.

My program of ongoing
tidiness pays big dividends

in these situations.

Your co-workers
are going to see you

in your natural habitat.

So?

They'll form lasting opinions
based on your possessions...

opinions that will influence
your career for years to come.

What do I care what
others might think?

I'm not... like what?

You have no athletic
trophies on display...

Says you're a loser.

If I had trophies on display,

wouldn't it say I
was a braggart?

Yes, but if anyone asked
you about the trophies,

you could say you were lucky.

Then I would be
a lying braggart.

And that's still better
than being a loser.

I'll buy you some
trophies at the trophy store.

No bowling trophies.

Oh, perish the thought.

And the magazines...
You'll have to replace them.

What's wrong with
my reading material?

Needlepoint is not
the exclusive domain

of women, you know.

It happens to be both
challenging and creative.

I'm not going to comment.

I'll just look at you
until you agree with me.

That won't work,
because I'm right

and I know I'm right.

You might not think I'm right,

and no one else
might think I'm right,

but I'm right.

Okay, you made your point.

I'll stop at the newsstand.

Is that all?

You'll have to stage
the refrigerator.

Lose the cheesecake
and get some broccoli.

It shows you have self-control.

But I...

Oh, all right.

I'll go get some fake food.

Change the station
on your stereo and TV

to something educational.

And take the hair out of
your soap in the shower.

That hair is clean!

At least give it a trim.

Just a little off the top.

Why do I have to live by
the only people in the world

who have a pet elephant?

Your elephant is
ruining my backyard.

Are you sure
that's our elephant?

How many people on this
street have an elephant?

If you don't have
that information,

how can you be
certain it's ours?

You're rather jumping to
conclusions, my good man.

Just look out your back window

and see if your
elephant is there.

Oh, very well.

Our elephant is in our backyard.

You must be mistaken.

He just ran back there
when you put the phone down.

Look at the path of destruction

between your house
and my backyard.

Do you see a
path of destruction?

I can't say that I do, dear.

No, nothing like that over here.

You are disturbing the
sanctity of my home.

All I ask is to be
left alone at home.

A man's home is his castle.

Oh, we're a king now, are we?

Very good.

I guess he grew weary
of being the man of steel.

That's it.

I'm getting Dogbert.

Ooh! He's getting Dogbert.

I'm so afraid.

Dogbert!

Dogbert!

How may I be of service?

You can tell me
where Dogbert is.

He left early this morning.

Something about installing
a puppet government.

He's always installing
a puppet government

when I need him!

What the...

What is all this?

We call it "construction".

I know what it is.

I don't think you do.

Why are you on my lawn?

We're building a pen for
you neighbor's pet elephant.

I'm all for that,

but why are you on my lawn?

It's okay.

The Pierponts
gave us permission.

They can't give you
permission to wreck my lawn.

They only gave us permission

to use your lawn.

The wrecking part was all us.

This is outrageous.

I want all this stuff
off my lawn by 2:00.

My co-workers are
coming over here

for an off-site meeting.

This will be very embarrassing.

More embarrassing than
your needlepoint magazines?

How do you know about them?

You look like a man
with eclectic tastes...

and I don't mean
that in a good way.

That's it.

I'm an easygoing guy,

but I've been pushed
to the breaking point!

And when I reach
that point, look out!

Hey! Hey!

Whoa!

You might want to put some
cones around this open trench.

Dilbert, old chap,
can't talk now.

We're off for a
two-week vacation.

We didn't want to be here

when all the
construction was going on.

It can be so disruptive.

Could you tell the workers
to get off my lawn, please?

Yes. We'll call
them from the car

using our cell phone.

But if, for some reason,

you don't call
them from the car,

then there's nothing
I can do about it.

Very good.

Chop, chop.

Elmer!

Elmer Oakley,

president of the
Tree Lover Society?

I didn't know how old she was.

She lied about her
number of rings.

I say, "Don't judge a man

until you walk a
mile in his shoes."

So let's change shoes.

I think I'll get the
best of that exchange.

I've come from the big
company you're suing

to take you to an
off-site meeting.

Do you know what an
off-site meeting is, Elmer?

Wait. Don't tell me.

Is it, like, a meeting
that's not on-site?

Oh! You've got a
lot on the ball, son.

What do you say we go

to that meeting, you and me...

You in my shoes, me in yours...

And see if we can't convince you

to drop this cockeyed
lawsuit, huh?

Although, off the record,

if I was you, I'd sue
for 10 times as much.

Ah! Beautiful home.

If I can just get through
the off-site meeting,

I will have my little
sanctuary back.

Dogbert, where are you?

I need a little help here!

He's not here.

He said something about
looting national treasures.

When's he getting back?

I don't have the
answer to that question,

so instead, I offer
you this dance.

♪ Yeh-teh-toh, ra-ta-ta... ♪

My co-workers will
be here any minute,

I have an elephant on my roof,

my lawn has been trashed,

and now I have a dancing rat!

I don't see how
this could be worse.

You'll like Dilbert's house.

There's almost no wood in it.

I hope that's sap.

What's wrong with you?

Why are you driving this way?

This is the way I drive.

It is most annoying.

Everyone has their
own driving style.

This is mine.

You're doing this

so we'll never ask
you to drive again.

It's all perfectly legal.

Here it is...

Dilbert's house.

It has more wood
than I remember.

Well, well.

Let's see what

Dilbert reads at home.

Ah! What's this?

Dilbert doesn't have good taste.

Let's see what station

Dilbert was watching last.

And now another masterpiece

involving British people
with no emotional depth.

Educational television?

Dilbert watches
educational television?

I had no idea that

Dilbert was such an
accomplished sportsman.

He never speaks of it.

Oh, those? I just got lucky.

It's broccoli!

Nothing but broccoli!

Broccoli?

Something is very wrong here.

Wally, check his soap.

I'm on it.

It's been trimmed.

Possibly blow-dried.

I knew it.

This place has been staged.

Staged.

We've been had.

Uh... were we going
to have a meeting?

Right. The meeting.

Let's start with
the refreshments.

Wally, what did you bring?

I did a survey

and found that everyone
wanted hot dogs.

I'm a vegetarian.

It's too late to cast your vote.

Hot dogs it is. Where are they?

Well, the survey was phase one.

I'm hoping to get to phase two
some time in the next quarter.

Ooh!

We can go directly to
the icebreaker phase.

Everyone, grab a paint gun.

We're playing street rules!

Are your meetings
always like this?

Not always.

One time, we had hot dogs.

Ow!

That paint washes off, right?

There's your consensus,
you tree-loving freak!

Whoo-hoo!

Nice going, Dilbert.

This is the last time
I let you talk me into

having an off-site
meeting at your house.

I'll sue your
tree-killing company

into sawdust!

But not before I win
this ice-breaker game.

Hey, this should work.

No! Not the elephant!

My house.

You destroyed my
fortress of solitude.

As it turns out, it wasn't
much of a fortress.

I don't know about anyone else,

but that really
worked up my appetite.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I have destroyed your hovel

and I shall destroy
your company...

In court.

Dogbert has returned.

It just turned into a
bad day to be you.

I'm not afraid of
some little dog.

Never mind.

Explanation?

And then Elmer hit the elephant

and the whole thing collapsed.

And you want me
to fix everything.

I believe that is outside of
even your powers, Mr. Dogbert.

I'm sorry.

It seems you have
four problems here.

One, dead elephant,

two, Wally forgot the food,

three,

Wood-For-Brains here
is suing your company,

and four, the house
has been destroyed.

He's good.

We can solve
problems one and two

by barbecuing the
elephant over the lumber.

That sounds tasty.

Oh, yeah.

As for the woodaphile here,

you do know you've slain
an endangered species.

That's right, he has,
and we all saw it.

Uh, never mind
about the lawsuit.

Forgive and forget,
that's my motto.

That's three
problems out of four!

Cell phone.

Hello.

Is this the construction firm

that did the Pierpont
job this morning?

This is Mr.. Pierpont.

I want you to remove the
wreckage next to my house

and move my entire
house into the lot.

Throw away all the possessions
inside and change the locks.

I lost a lot of
computer equipment.

I'll get the insurance
adjuster here in the morning.

It was time to upgrade anyway.

Start tomorrow afternoon.

You have two weeks
until I return from vacation.

I shall now start the
paperwork to make you a god.

I call leg.

This might be

some of your best work.

You're lucky these
houses all look alike.

We found this in the wreckage.

Do you want it?

Yes.

Thank you.

Freak.

I wonder what the Pierponts
will think when they get back?

I took care of that too.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

I've been asked to make a
public service announcement.

Be sure to unplug
your curling iron

before taking long vacations.

Oh, lovey, did you
unplug your curler?

I'm not sure.

Because if you don't,
your house might disappear

along with your pet elephant.

And announcement number two,

does anyone know
how to land this thing?