Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 8 - Hunger - full transcript

Dear Uncle or Aunt Dilbert,

my name is
Petrunyik Vlastominitz.

I thank you so much for
being my foster parent.

Life in Elbonia has
become so much better

since you began sending
your 87 cents a week.

I now have a shoe,

and my vision has returned

to look upon the beautiful
mud of my homeland.

Hopefully, one day you
can visit me when the...

Check one...

Flood, famine, volcanic
eruption, plague,



or war has/have ended.

Love, Petru.

Petru, your food problem may
be over sooner than you think.

I'll start with a cup of coffee.

You're going to have

to make your own
breakfast today.

I'm busy inventing
a hybrid food plant

that could end
world hunger forever.

Mm-hmm, that's fascinating.

I'll have two fried
strips of the new thing

with hash browns and coffee.

Do you think banging
you mug is going to work?

This is not a diner.

Okay, go back to becoming
famous with your new food invention.



I'm not doing this
to become famous,

though I admit that may be

an unavoidable consequence

of coming up with the
greatest improvement

in food production
since Squanto.

"Squanto"?

He showed the pilgrims that

if you put a fish in the
ground with your corn seeds,

it fertilizes the plant.

How do you know Squanto

wasn't trying to
grow a fish tree?

Maybe he was too
lazy to dig his own hole.

Dogbert, what I'm working
on here may once and for all

put the lie to the
Malthusian imperative

and save humanity

from the grim prospect
of a foodless future.

Put the what to who
and save who from what?

What I've come up
with is a nutritious hybrid

that will feed millions of
people for pennies a day.

Do you want to see it?

Only if it goes good with jelly.

I inserted the DNA

from a prize-winning
Norwegian cow

into the nucleus
of a tomato seed.

Then I made it rectangular

so you can stack
them more efficiently.

Part meat, part tomato.

I call it the tomeato.

Do you want to
be the first to eat it?

That depends on
the alternatives.

Is it too late

to dig up Squanto's fish?

Maybe we should test it on
someone expendable first.

Ratbert.

Breakfast.

Hey, where's yours?

We thought you
should eat first for once.

Now this is more like it.

You're finally treating like
a member of the family.

Comments, people?

This is perhaps the
most revolting food item

I have ever encountered.

It actually frightens me.

It's so unappealing
on so many levels

it's hard to know
what to criticize first.

It's like Wally,

except small enough
to flush down the toilet.

Thank God for my oversized head.

I think it's creepy!

Is it alive?

If you tried to put this
thing on the market,

you'd be out of
business in a week.

Now that is definitely...

Not what we're looking for.

Wait a minute.

You're going to
dismiss the tomeato

because it's unattractive?

Sound reasoning
from my perch, Dilby.

But it's a perfect food source
for third-world countries.

It contains all the vitamins
and minerals necessary

to sustain an adult.

It grows anywhere. It
doesn't need refrigeration.

Two words, Dilby.

Ug-ly.

What does that have
to do with anything?

I know for a fact that
there's a market for this.

No offense, Dilweed,

but what you engineers
know about marketing

could fit inside the
very small opening

on a very small thing.

Well put.

What about Elbonia?

There's a famine in Elbonia.

Until CNN has a name for
it, like "famine in Elbonia"

it's not really happening.

Who are we to impose

our way of life upon
another culture?

I'm pretty sure that
every culture likes to eat.

Suppose we discovered

an entire nation of
supermodels? What then?

That is the dumbest
hypothetical question

I have ever heard.

People always say that

when I'm winning the argument.

If I could interrupt here...

And I know I can...

I'm hearing some good news here

for the old torpedo.

Tomeato.

Whoa. Easy, Norbert.

Now this Elbonia.

It's not in America, right?

Your guess is as good as mine...

possibly better

because I try to make
all my guesses rhyme.

Anyway we could grow
these crapberries in Elbonia,

then bring them back

as an exotic import
specialty food.

You know, the kind
you give to other people

when you can't
think of a real gift.

Hmm. a basket of
Norwegian sour meats.

I don't see why

I have to go down to accounting

to increase the travel budget

just for a trip to Elbonia.

I know it seems like a form

of arbitrary punishment.

But?

But what?

Uh, who do I speak to

about increasing
my travel budget?

Travel budget?

Travel budget?

Who do you think you are?

I think I'm someone traveling
to Elbonia on business.

Do you have any proof?

Proof?

Since when do we need
proof to do our jobs?

Do you think we
just give out money

to anyone who asks for it?

Do I look like
Santa Claus to you?

No, you look like some
sort of hideous creature.

Thank you, because
that's the look I'm going for.

What if I just go on the trip

and then submit carefully
documented receipts

when I return?

And what if you never return?

I'll leave explicit instructions

for the executor of my
will to file my receipts.

Very well.

Sign here.

I approve your request to
use your personal airline miles

to pay for this trip.

What?

You really should
read the fine print.

It's nice having visitors.

So, where's all the famine?

Let's ask.

Excuse me.

Can you direct us

to the famine-stricken
parts of Elbonia?

What is famine?

The food shortages,

the hunger crisis.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

We have no hunger here.

I myself ate four
meals already today.

Yes, of mud.

Have you tasted it?

No thanks.

Hey, chocolate.

Not just chocolate.

Nutritious, non-fattening,
and obviously abundant.

Maybe this was a mistake.

They're eating mud, Wally.

Mud.

Obviously, they're in denial.

Um, can you tell me

where this picture was taken?

Yes, that is
Petrunyik Vlastominitz,

the richest man in Elbonia.

His mansion is one
mile in that direction.

I think you're confused.

This is my foster child.

I send him 87 cents a week.

Yeah, you and about
a billion other people.

Isn't that a sight, Wally?

The muddy plains of
Elbonia being transformed

into vibrant fields
of tomeatoes.

Yeah, great.

Can we go back to the hotel?

I don't feel like I'm
on a business trip

until I pocket the
little shampoos.

Hey, check it out.

It's a cornucopia.

Salads, soups,
meat, fish, poultry.

Look at the footnote.

It says all food is made
out of Elbonian mud.

I'm not a fussy eater like you.

And in a late-breaking story,

another 5,000 ethnic Elbonians

decided to leave
the country today.

Since there is no difference

between ethnic and
non-ethnic Elbonians,

we have no idea why.

What else is on?

Let's see.

And welcome back

to Elbonian Monday
night football.

Here's the opening kickoff.

And that's the game.

Final score: Elbonian
Molemen: zero

Elbonian Chickenhawks: zero.

That was exciting.

I had money on that game.

Coming up next:
Elbonian Baywatch.

Dilbert, would you mind
leaving for a little while?

I have trouble watching Baywatch

with someone else in the room.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

You really ought
to stretch more.

Wow, that was fast.

Experts are holding
the tomeato responsible

for plunging Elbonia
into the worst famine ever.

It's the tomeatoes' fault.

It's a freak of nature.

Meat and fruit; whoever
heard of such a thing?

It has sucked all
the nutritional value

out of our delicious
Elbonian mud.

Now it tastes like mud!

It's inedible!

It smells bad!

Although, I do
admit, it stacks nicely.

The Elbonian exodus has begun

as hungry Elbonians seek
refuge in neighboring countries

while starving
Elbonians who remain

are resorting to
desperate measures.

This is the most delicious hotel

I've ever eaten.

We've got to find
poor little Petrunyik.

He must be so
frightened and helpless.

Do you know where
this picture was taken?

Tourists.

Yeah, you got five minutes.

What do you want?

First of all, you lied to me.

I thought you were
a starving child,

not an Elbonian fat cat.

Although, I must admit
you've done an excellent job

investing my 87 cents per week.

Thank you.

Second, I came
here to help Elbonia

with the advent of
the tomeato crop,

but it hasn't
worked out that way.

Instead of stabilizing
an unstable country,

I've destabilized a stable one.

So, like, just the opposite?

Yes.

So what do you want me
to do about it besides laugh?

Well, admittedly, the
tomeato tastes like wet suede,

but it looks good
and stacks well.

So?

Well, as a food
product, it's a total loser.

But think about it...

The tomeato would make a
great lightweight building material.

You could rebuild
the infrastructure,

create employment,
encourage trade,

and jump-start the economy.

But the tomeato isn't
a building material.

Let me taste it.

Blah!

It is now.

How much is this
going to cost me?

You can underwrite
the entire reconstruction

for $1.35.

So then I convinced Petrunyik

that the tomeato
could be profitable

as a building material.

Good work, Wally.

When you get back,

remind me which one you are.

You got it.

And remind me why
you went over there

and what you did.

I will.

And, while you're at it,

maybe you can tell
me who the hell I am.

I'll see what I can do.

Will I get some sort of
non-monetary award?

I'll see what we have
in the lost-and-found.

You owe me big time.

Gee, I wonder if these tomeatoes

have been kept in a
temperature-controlled warehouse.

Why?

Have you ever seen what
happens to a dead camel in the sun?

Those tomeatoes are
now half-rancid meat,

and there's always the issue

of the inherent
fertilizer that I added.

What are you saying?

It gives me great pleasure,

nothing disgusting or
obscene in any way,

but great pleasure nonetheless,

to present Wally with
this non-monetary award.

Don't put it on, Wally.

Remember if the
glove fits, you must quit.

Am I the only one here

who sees the logic of that?

I'm not going to wear it, Asok.

I'm putting it in my
awards trophy case

with the tube sock and the...

Oh, I guess it's
just the two things.

It is my dream that some day

I will win something from
the lost-and-found box.

I've got my eye on
a little black comb.

Calm down, everyone.

There are enough
non-monetary incentives

for all of you.

Hey, I'm missing a glove!

Do you think this
is too ostentatious?

I mean, it's a lot
for one person.

It's fine.

Look, we have to do
something about Elbonia.

I don't know.

If I win another award,

I'm afraid I'll lose my ability

to relate to the little people.

Wally, I...

Uh-oh... it's happening already.

I can't relate to you.

In the news,

Elbonian strongman

Petrunyik Vlastominitz

has successfully used the threat

of deploying long-range
tomeato-based weapons,

including the tomeato bomb,

to extort neighboring
countries just for kicks,

managing to jump-start
the once-robust economy

of nascent superpower Elbonia.

Uh-oh.

Didn't you win the Nobel glove
for that one, Oppenheimer?

No, I didn't.

Nice job.

It's not exactly
what I had in mind.

Oh, yes, it is.

You wanted to end hunger
in Elbonia with tomeatoes.

Now that they're being
used as weapons, you will.

Congratulations.

I think you're a
strong candidate

for the congressional
used handkerchief of honor.

If we could only get
them to eat the tomeato

rather than use it as a weapon.

You are a dreamer.

People of Elbonia,

we must cease using
the tomeato as a weapon.

Perhaps you misunderstood me.

I said the tomeato
was not designed

and should not be
used as a weapon.

Did you say the tomeato
should not be used as weapon?

Yes.

I think we need backup.

Drop the Dilmom.

Repeat, drop the Dilmom.

What can my mom do?

Uh, who has the longest
track record in the world

for making people eat
things that taste like crap?

Good thinking.

It's time for Cooking
with Dilmom.

Here's your host, Dilmom.

Today, we will prepare
the succulent tomeato.

I know, I know, it tastes
like crap, but hear me out.

A common error people make
in the preparation of the tomeato

is in treating it
like a vegetable

instead of what it is:

half meat, half tomato,

which, incidentally, is
a fruit, not a vegetable.

As with any meat,

you have to
thoroughly disguise it

before anyone
will want to eat it.

First, you slice it,

then you burn it over a fire

until you can't tell
what it was originally.

What about the taste?

The taste comes
from the seasonings.

Does anyone have ketchup?

It is delicious.

It tastes like ketchup.

This is very impressive,

but our Elbonian mud
hasn't been the same

since Dilbert
rendered it inedible

with his agricultural
boondoggle.

That wouldn't be the first time.

Does anyone have
any vanilla bean extract?

Uh-oh!

Try it.

It is delicious.

Let us lay down our
tomeatoes of mass destruction

and lift up our tomeatoes
of peace and plenty

and return ourselves
to the backward

and inconsequential
country we once were.

It worked.

Yes, I suppose
you're off the hook.

Instead of being known

as the father of
the tomeato bomb,

you'll return to
your former status

as an anonymous cubicle dweller.

I'll take it.

She still has the magic.

I remember one time,

she convinced me to eat
a whole can of Play-doh.

That wasn't her. That was me.

No. I remember distinctly.

She called from the pay phone

and said dinner would be late,

so I should start
in on the Play-doh.

Did it sound like this?

Dilbert, I'll be home late.

Why don't you see

how much Play-doh you can eat.

As luck would have it,

we found another
glove to give out

as a non-monetary award.

This one goes to Loud Howard.

Oh, yes!

That glove will go perfectly

with my other... oh...

And last but not
least, yet far from most,

somewhere in the
lower-middle range,

we have for Dilbert,

a lovely baggie that
once held a sandwich.

Thank you.

You know, it's funny.

On the inside of my trophy case,

a sock and a glove,

while on the outside,

this rag, destined
to clean the dust

from the other objects.

There's such a fine line

between dust rag
and valuable trophy.

At least my award wasn't
on someone's smelly foot.

Are you saying your
one non-monetary award

is better than my two
non-monetary awards?

No, I'm not saying that.

Good.

I'm saying it's
better than the sock.

You take that back.

Those darn
non-monetary incentives

really get their energy up.

I must remember
to give one to myself.

This came for you.