Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Merger - full transcript
In order to help spend excess money, the boss concocts a scheme to merge the company with another. Dogbert is called in as a consultant.
In merger news, an
alliance has been announced
between the world's worst
oil exploration company
and the world's largest
funeral company.
We spoke to the CEO
of Dryhole Industries
about the synergy.
Well, as you know,
the biggest expenses
in the funeral business
involve buying the land
and digging the holes.
Well, it occurred to me
that our company owns land
that already has holes in it.
That's how I plan to bury you,
unless you have an objection.
As a matter of fact, I
do have an objection.
Not now.
You have to object
after you're dead.
How can I object to
anything after I'm dead?
I recommend that you
come back as a ghost
and haunt the
house for eternity.
That'll be your signal
that you're unhappy
about the situation.
If I haunted this house,
you'd turn it into
a tourist attraction
and sell tickets.
I'd be doing all the haunting
and you'd be making money.
Oh, like it's so hard to haunt.
The investment banking firm
who arranged the merger
received a fee of
one billion dollars
for making a few phone calls
and attending some meetings.
Did you say the
investment banking firm
that arranged the merger
received a fee of
one billion dollars?
She can't hear you.
Yes, that's exactly what I said.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying you can hear
what I say through the TV?
In other news, Tom Kenny,
leader of the '60s
psychedelic band,
"Ubiquitous Banana,"
was found today exactly
where he said he would be.
I think I just found
my new career.
For reasons that I no
longer try to fathom,
customers keep
buying our products.
Thank goodness for
the inefficient distribution
of consumer information.
Now we're stuck
with $20 billion in cash
and no strategy for using it.
Does anyone have any ideas?
How about giving
raises to the people
who worked so hard
to create all that cash?
That would unfairly
discriminate against those of us
who didn't work hard.
If we start rewarding
lazy people like you,
the whole system
will break down.
Oh, that same argument
was used years ago
to deny women the right to vote.
Are you comparing your laziness
to the woman's
suffrage movement?
There are many similarities.
Name one.
Women weren't allowed to
vote and I'm too lazy to vote.
In both cases, there's
taxation without representation.
That is the dumbest argument
I have ever heard in my life.
Bigot.
People, does
anyone have any idea
how to invest the $20 billion?
I do!
How about a product
that keeps your fillings
from vibrating out
when you talk?!
Maybe I should hire a
consultant to come up with an idea.
Consultants don't
come up with ideas.
They take the ideas
you already have
and make them more confusing.
Then they give you a huge bill.
A huge bill would solve
our excess money problem.
Excess money isn't a problem.
That money is causing
us to be in this meeting.
What do you call that?
Uh-oh.
Wally's starting to make sense.
We need to get rid
of that money fast.
Why don't we merge
with a company
that is less dysfunctional
than we are?
They could spend
our money for us.
A merger.
Hmm, that might
get us some synergy.
I didn't realize that Alice
suffers from cobiotaphobia.
I know what that is!
No, I don't!
It is the fear of synergy.
Well, she'd better get over it.
We ran it up the flagpole
and the ship sailed.
That's a mixed metaphor.
Yeah, so, what's
so bad about that?
Actually, I don't know.
Ah, he who laughs
last, makes waste.
Well, I'm not afraid of synergy.
I just think a
merger's a bad idea.
Do you have a better idea?
Of course.
Plow the surplus funds into R&D.
All right, then.
The merger it is.
My company needs help
finding a merger partner.
I hope that's the sort of
thing investment bankers do,
because I asked at the
Mailboxes-R-Us place,
and they just stared at me
like I was some
kind of an idiot.
You came to the right place.
My fee is 10% of the value
of the acquired company.
What's your company worth?
Well, we've got $20 billion
in cash, and no liabilities,
unless you count the employees,
who we call our
most valuable assets.
$20 billion in cash
plus the employees.
That comes out to
about $15 billion net.
So your fee would
be 10% of $15 billion,
which is... one second...
Carry the three,
square root of pi...
$14 billion.
Exactly.
Can we start right away?
I'm anxious to get some synergy.
I'm bailing out of this dump
at the first sign of a merger.
I won't go through
synergy again.
As usual, Alice,
you are missing out
on the opportunity
of a lifetime.
I plan to implement "Project
Mosquito" immediately.
What is "Project Mosquito"?
That is where Wally
takes advantage
of the management chaos
and sucks the stockholders dry,
much like a giant mosquito.
That's sounds exactly
like "Project Leech",
the one you've been
doing for the past five years.
I can see how that
would be confusing.
The key to a successful
merger is synergy.
Let's first discuss what
makes this company special,
then I'll help you find the
perfect merger partner.
We're poorly managed.
Our boss ignores
everything we say.
Management is completely deaf
to the needs of the employees.
I've got a parking space
right next to the door.
It looks like a
sidewalk, but it's not.
Now, let's think what
kind of companies
would make the
best merger partner
with a company full of losers.
Perhaps a drug company
who needs to test new
products on human subjects.
We would be ideal,
because the scientists
would not become
emotionally attached to us.
Good. Anything else?
We could merge with a company
that runs women's prisons.
I'm willing to keep a
few inmates in my cubicle
if they'll do my laundry.
Prison bimbos.
We could merge with a
company that makes chickens.
We sit around all day anyway.
Might as well be
sitting on eggs.
How about an
alternative fuel company?
People produce a certain
amount of methane gas every day,
just like every other mammal.
We could be fueling
cars with that resource.
How exactly would
we be collecting
this methane gas all day long?
I grant you the hose would
be uncomfortable at first,
but we'd get used to it.
This might be
harder than I thought.
Well, if it isn't Mordac,
the preventer of
information services
and his little buddy,
Walter the budget man.
Wally.
You seem unusually upbeat.
Maybe you haven't heard
of the upcoming merger.
Merger?
But that would mean...
Yes, it's gloating
time for engineers.
And when the synergy gets you,
I will laugh the laugh
of the, uh, the, uh...
well, whatever it is
that laughs a lot
at other's misery
without a tinge of guilt.
Maybe your hard drive needs
a little cheese pizza upgrade.
I don't need my
computer anymore.
I'm goofing off
until the merger,
then after the
"synergy" gets you,
I'll take both of your
computers for my own.
I will cut your budget so
fast your head will spin.
You're powerless.
No one will listen to your
budget recommendations now.
Managers are all paralyzed
by the merger rumors.
Synergy!
This might be the
best year of my life.
It's time to take a page from
female dating techniques,
also known as "the
old bait and switch".
Where are we going?
There's a little bar I know
where CEOs hang out.
It's a real meet
market for mergers.
I like meat.
Did you know that cows are
made almost entirely of meat?
Oh, yeah.
And you can make
pudding from the hooves.
Tonight, it's best if you
don't do much talking.
CEOs like to do business
with people who
aren't quite so...
Strong-willed?
Yeah, that's it.
Tell me again what
I'm supposed to do?
You're supposed to act
like you work for a
competent company
long enough to get a CEO
excited about merging with you.
What's Dilbert going to do?
I'm wondering that myself.
Dilbert will appear to be
interested in merging with you.
You'll seem more
attractive to the other CEOs
if they think someone
else wants you.
I suddenly feel
mildly nauseated.
Is it my cologne?
I haven't seen you here before.
Take me, dear God,
merge with me now!
Uh, I just remembered
I have to merge with
someone else tonight.
I have to go now.
Nice going.
Thanks.
Was I charming enough?
You sounded needy.
Try revealing a little less.
Remember, bait, then switch.
I panicked.
I felt my financial
clock ticking.
Hey there.
What's your ticker symbol?
It's...
Ow!
Bait, then switch.
Right.
I'd rather not say what
my ticker symbol is.
Can't we just be
strategic partners?
Well, aren't you
the mysterious one?
I'll bet you're an Internet
company, aren't you?
Maybe, maybe not.
You little corporate tease.
I want to merge with you.
Right here, right now.
I never swap stock
on the first meeting.
How about your friend?
Huh?!
He looks like he might
be into a little M&A.
I don't know what that means,
but I wouldn't merge with you
if I'd never merged before,
and you were the
last company on earth.
Who needs to merge with you?
I can crank up my own stock
price by repurchasing shares.
I've done it before
and I can do it again.
What did I do wrong that time?
Sometimes you have
to kiss a lot of frogs
before you find your prince.
Oh, yeah, I know
exactly what you mean.
Have you ever noticed
that when you kiss the frogs,
their tongues taste like flies?
Last call.
Is this when I get desperate?
You've got two more chances.
Nah, don't bother.
He merges with everyone.
His price is cheap.
Haven't we merged before?
I'd like you to meet
our merger partner,
the CEO of Brainsuck Industries.
His name is Mway-un-layla'aah.
Did I get that right?
Perfect.
You might have heard
of Brainsuck Industries
in the trade press.
They're a company
that "mysteriously"
only came into
existence yesterday,
but they're taking
the industry by storm.
Aren't they the ones who
merge with companies
and then ingest the brains
of the acquired company
via their long snouts?
I.e. synergy.
Where is everyone today?
What have you
done with everyone?
Dilbert, my man, chill.
Alice is in a company
stress reduction program.
Wally has been beckoned
to human resources.
Oh, yeah. what
about Loud Howard?
He's being stored in
a soundproof container
in the closet until
after the merger.
We don't want to spook anyone.
I hope he has airholes.
Well, now that wouldn't be
very soundproof, would it?
He needs mouth-to-mouth!
Well, then, where
is everyone else?
Calm down.
They were given the day off.
You'll be given the day off.
But the day will never end.
It will go on forever.
Hmm?
Sorry, I missed that.
I find myself in need
of a new troll to guard my door.
Why don't you hire another one?
Well, I would, but they all know
about our pending merger.
No one wants to work
in an administrative job.
Those are the first ones cut
during the, uh, synergy phase.
That's why I'm glad
I'm an engineer.
Yes, yes, you were an engineer.
What?
I'm changing your job title
to "door-watching troll,"
effective immediately.
But... then the
synergy will get me.
Well, not just you.
I'll offer to fire
all of my staff
so I can keep my own job.
That sort of loyalty
is always rewarded.
Who wishes to see Mr. Catbert,
the evil director of
human resources?
Well, well, well.
The stories are true.
I might be wrong,
but I think the job
of door troll
is administrative.
This is a highly
skilled position.
Troll, get the rake.
I just have to imagine
I'm looking for gold
with a metal detector.
The funny thing is,
I don't even like my
co-workers that much.
So why do I miss them
when they're gone?
I miss you when you're gone.
But you like me.
I don't know where
you got that idea.
You don't like me?
I have very high standards.
That's why I like you.
I like you too, Dogbert.
You have to like me.
You're my mother.
I don't believe I signed
any contract to that effect,
unless they slipped me something
when I was giving birth,
but that'll never
stand up in court.
We tolerate you
largely for the
entertainment value.
Do you remember the
time I ironed poison ivy
into his underpants before
his high school graduation?
Oh. Ah.
Okay, so you don't like me.
But you do love me, right?
Yes, I do love you,
because you're family.
That's the same reason
you miss your co-workers.
My co-workers are not family.
Oh, really? Think about it.
Your boss is like the father
who left when you were little.
Alice and Wally are like
the brother and
sister you never had.
Loud Howard is like
the annoying uncle
who always embarrasses you.
And Asok the intern
is like your own son.
That is the most
appalling theory
I have ever heard.
I'm going home.
Uh, hello?
You could say that.
Since when do garbage
men make house calls?
Since always. You
just have to ask.
I'd be afraid to leave
my door unlocked all day.
I have a master key.
To every house?
I use my house key.
All the locks in this
town are the same.
But don't spread it around.
I won't.
Can I ask you a question?
You mean, can I ask
you two questions.
Fine.
Is it possible that
my co-workers
are like some sort of bizarre,
dysfunctional family to me?
It's not just possible.
It's mandatory.
Mandatory?
The brain is wired that way.
Your mind organizes
the people around you
into family roles.
Like it or not, they
are your family.
This merger is
breaking up my family.
Unless you stop it.
You replace the plastic bags?
Not usually.
Today is bag day.
Who wishes to see Mr. Catbert,
the evil director of
human resources?
Wally, it's me,
Dilbert, your brother.
I mean, your co-worker.
I have no coworkers.
I'm just a door-guarding troll.
After the merger, I'll
be an unemployed guy
whose last job was
a door-guarding troll.
Hang in there, Wally. I'm
going to stop this merger.
How?
The truth will set us free.
These cubicles are our
marketing department.
If these people don't scare you
into canceling the merger,
nothing will.
Hey there, Dilman.
Who's your friend?
That is quite a handshake
you got there, big guy.
Well, I'll see you
back at the ranch.
What the hell did you do to him?
We'll never complete this merger
if you kill the CEO.
This is what wrecked
the Roswell merger.
All I did was take
him to marketing.
He stuck his snout
in some people's ears,
and now he's acting like this.
Take him back
to his office, quick.
We don't want
him dying over here
and ruining our safety record.
Let's get the staff
meeting going.
First, an update:
Dilbert killed the CEO
of the only company
willing to acquire us,
so the merger is off.
I'm the one who told you that.
Settle down. We're trying
to have a meeting here.
I'm the only person here
who isn't engulfed in
someone else's mouth
or unconscious,
and you're giving me updates
that I gave you 10 minutes ago?
No side conversations
during the meeting, please!
Item two: Wally is being
transferred back to engineering.
Wally!
You're back! Give me five.
Sorry.
Item three: Alice has
decided to stay in her job.
Look what happens when
I don't show up for one day.
I feel like we're one big
dysfunctional family again.
Would anyone like to hug?
Oh, you mean each other.
No, thank you.
Does anyone have any
new business to discuss?
I do.
You know, I was
thinking about it,
and although the merger
idea didn't work out,
it's not a bad idea in concept.
Maybe we should give
it one more try, and...
I'm sorry the
merger got called off.
I guess you lost
your $14 billion
investment banking fee.
You guessed wrong.
I rushed the paperwork
through as soon as I heard
you were with their CEO on tour.
What are you going
to do with $14 billion?
I'm investing it in
a foreign concern.
Greetings, citizens
of Orgaplon Six.
We bring you...
synergy.
alliance has been announced
between the world's worst
oil exploration company
and the world's largest
funeral company.
We spoke to the CEO
of Dryhole Industries
about the synergy.
Well, as you know,
the biggest expenses
in the funeral business
involve buying the land
and digging the holes.
Well, it occurred to me
that our company owns land
that already has holes in it.
That's how I plan to bury you,
unless you have an objection.
As a matter of fact, I
do have an objection.
Not now.
You have to object
after you're dead.
How can I object to
anything after I'm dead?
I recommend that you
come back as a ghost
and haunt the
house for eternity.
That'll be your signal
that you're unhappy
about the situation.
If I haunted this house,
you'd turn it into
a tourist attraction
and sell tickets.
I'd be doing all the haunting
and you'd be making money.
Oh, like it's so hard to haunt.
The investment banking firm
who arranged the merger
received a fee of
one billion dollars
for making a few phone calls
and attending some meetings.
Did you say the
investment banking firm
that arranged the merger
received a fee of
one billion dollars?
She can't hear you.
Yes, that's exactly what I said.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying you can hear
what I say through the TV?
In other news, Tom Kenny,
leader of the '60s
psychedelic band,
"Ubiquitous Banana,"
was found today exactly
where he said he would be.
I think I just found
my new career.
For reasons that I no
longer try to fathom,
customers keep
buying our products.
Thank goodness for
the inefficient distribution
of consumer information.
Now we're stuck
with $20 billion in cash
and no strategy for using it.
Does anyone have any ideas?
How about giving
raises to the people
who worked so hard
to create all that cash?
That would unfairly
discriminate against those of us
who didn't work hard.
If we start rewarding
lazy people like you,
the whole system
will break down.
Oh, that same argument
was used years ago
to deny women the right to vote.
Are you comparing your laziness
to the woman's
suffrage movement?
There are many similarities.
Name one.
Women weren't allowed to
vote and I'm too lazy to vote.
In both cases, there's
taxation without representation.
That is the dumbest argument
I have ever heard in my life.
Bigot.
People, does
anyone have any idea
how to invest the $20 billion?
I do!
How about a product
that keeps your fillings
from vibrating out
when you talk?!
Maybe I should hire a
consultant to come up with an idea.
Consultants don't
come up with ideas.
They take the ideas
you already have
and make them more confusing.
Then they give you a huge bill.
A huge bill would solve
our excess money problem.
Excess money isn't a problem.
That money is causing
us to be in this meeting.
What do you call that?
Uh-oh.
Wally's starting to make sense.
We need to get rid
of that money fast.
Why don't we merge
with a company
that is less dysfunctional
than we are?
They could spend
our money for us.
A merger.
Hmm, that might
get us some synergy.
I didn't realize that Alice
suffers from cobiotaphobia.
I know what that is!
No, I don't!
It is the fear of synergy.
Well, she'd better get over it.
We ran it up the flagpole
and the ship sailed.
That's a mixed metaphor.
Yeah, so, what's
so bad about that?
Actually, I don't know.
Ah, he who laughs
last, makes waste.
Well, I'm not afraid of synergy.
I just think a
merger's a bad idea.
Do you have a better idea?
Of course.
Plow the surplus funds into R&D.
All right, then.
The merger it is.
My company needs help
finding a merger partner.
I hope that's the sort of
thing investment bankers do,
because I asked at the
Mailboxes-R-Us place,
and they just stared at me
like I was some
kind of an idiot.
You came to the right place.
My fee is 10% of the value
of the acquired company.
What's your company worth?
Well, we've got $20 billion
in cash, and no liabilities,
unless you count the employees,
who we call our
most valuable assets.
$20 billion in cash
plus the employees.
That comes out to
about $15 billion net.
So your fee would
be 10% of $15 billion,
which is... one second...
Carry the three,
square root of pi...
$14 billion.
Exactly.
Can we start right away?
I'm anxious to get some synergy.
I'm bailing out of this dump
at the first sign of a merger.
I won't go through
synergy again.
As usual, Alice,
you are missing out
on the opportunity
of a lifetime.
I plan to implement "Project
Mosquito" immediately.
What is "Project Mosquito"?
That is where Wally
takes advantage
of the management chaos
and sucks the stockholders dry,
much like a giant mosquito.
That's sounds exactly
like "Project Leech",
the one you've been
doing for the past five years.
I can see how that
would be confusing.
The key to a successful
merger is synergy.
Let's first discuss what
makes this company special,
then I'll help you find the
perfect merger partner.
We're poorly managed.
Our boss ignores
everything we say.
Management is completely deaf
to the needs of the employees.
I've got a parking space
right next to the door.
It looks like a
sidewalk, but it's not.
Now, let's think what
kind of companies
would make the
best merger partner
with a company full of losers.
Perhaps a drug company
who needs to test new
products on human subjects.
We would be ideal,
because the scientists
would not become
emotionally attached to us.
Good. Anything else?
We could merge with a company
that runs women's prisons.
I'm willing to keep a
few inmates in my cubicle
if they'll do my laundry.
Prison bimbos.
We could merge with a
company that makes chickens.
We sit around all day anyway.
Might as well be
sitting on eggs.
How about an
alternative fuel company?
People produce a certain
amount of methane gas every day,
just like every other mammal.
We could be fueling
cars with that resource.
How exactly would
we be collecting
this methane gas all day long?
I grant you the hose would
be uncomfortable at first,
but we'd get used to it.
This might be
harder than I thought.
Well, if it isn't Mordac,
the preventer of
information services
and his little buddy,
Walter the budget man.
Wally.
You seem unusually upbeat.
Maybe you haven't heard
of the upcoming merger.
Merger?
But that would mean...
Yes, it's gloating
time for engineers.
And when the synergy gets you,
I will laugh the laugh
of the, uh, the, uh...
well, whatever it is
that laughs a lot
at other's misery
without a tinge of guilt.
Maybe your hard drive needs
a little cheese pizza upgrade.
I don't need my
computer anymore.
I'm goofing off
until the merger,
then after the
"synergy" gets you,
I'll take both of your
computers for my own.
I will cut your budget so
fast your head will spin.
You're powerless.
No one will listen to your
budget recommendations now.
Managers are all paralyzed
by the merger rumors.
Synergy!
This might be the
best year of my life.
It's time to take a page from
female dating techniques,
also known as "the
old bait and switch".
Where are we going?
There's a little bar I know
where CEOs hang out.
It's a real meet
market for mergers.
I like meat.
Did you know that cows are
made almost entirely of meat?
Oh, yeah.
And you can make
pudding from the hooves.
Tonight, it's best if you
don't do much talking.
CEOs like to do business
with people who
aren't quite so...
Strong-willed?
Yeah, that's it.
Tell me again what
I'm supposed to do?
You're supposed to act
like you work for a
competent company
long enough to get a CEO
excited about merging with you.
What's Dilbert going to do?
I'm wondering that myself.
Dilbert will appear to be
interested in merging with you.
You'll seem more
attractive to the other CEOs
if they think someone
else wants you.
I suddenly feel
mildly nauseated.
Is it my cologne?
I haven't seen you here before.
Take me, dear God,
merge with me now!
Uh, I just remembered
I have to merge with
someone else tonight.
I have to go now.
Nice going.
Thanks.
Was I charming enough?
You sounded needy.
Try revealing a little less.
Remember, bait, then switch.
I panicked.
I felt my financial
clock ticking.
Hey there.
What's your ticker symbol?
It's...
Ow!
Bait, then switch.
Right.
I'd rather not say what
my ticker symbol is.
Can't we just be
strategic partners?
Well, aren't you
the mysterious one?
I'll bet you're an Internet
company, aren't you?
Maybe, maybe not.
You little corporate tease.
I want to merge with you.
Right here, right now.
I never swap stock
on the first meeting.
How about your friend?
Huh?!
He looks like he might
be into a little M&A.
I don't know what that means,
but I wouldn't merge with you
if I'd never merged before,
and you were the
last company on earth.
Who needs to merge with you?
I can crank up my own stock
price by repurchasing shares.
I've done it before
and I can do it again.
What did I do wrong that time?
Sometimes you have
to kiss a lot of frogs
before you find your prince.
Oh, yeah, I know
exactly what you mean.
Have you ever noticed
that when you kiss the frogs,
their tongues taste like flies?
Last call.
Is this when I get desperate?
You've got two more chances.
Nah, don't bother.
He merges with everyone.
His price is cheap.
Haven't we merged before?
I'd like you to meet
our merger partner,
the CEO of Brainsuck Industries.
His name is Mway-un-layla'aah.
Did I get that right?
Perfect.
You might have heard
of Brainsuck Industries
in the trade press.
They're a company
that "mysteriously"
only came into
existence yesterday,
but they're taking
the industry by storm.
Aren't they the ones who
merge with companies
and then ingest the brains
of the acquired company
via their long snouts?
I.e. synergy.
Where is everyone today?
What have you
done with everyone?
Dilbert, my man, chill.
Alice is in a company
stress reduction program.
Wally has been beckoned
to human resources.
Oh, yeah. what
about Loud Howard?
He's being stored in
a soundproof container
in the closet until
after the merger.
We don't want to spook anyone.
I hope he has airholes.
Well, now that wouldn't be
very soundproof, would it?
He needs mouth-to-mouth!
Well, then, where
is everyone else?
Calm down.
They were given the day off.
You'll be given the day off.
But the day will never end.
It will go on forever.
Hmm?
Sorry, I missed that.
I find myself in need
of a new troll to guard my door.
Why don't you hire another one?
Well, I would, but they all know
about our pending merger.
No one wants to work
in an administrative job.
Those are the first ones cut
during the, uh, synergy phase.
That's why I'm glad
I'm an engineer.
Yes, yes, you were an engineer.
What?
I'm changing your job title
to "door-watching troll,"
effective immediately.
But... then the
synergy will get me.
Well, not just you.
I'll offer to fire
all of my staff
so I can keep my own job.
That sort of loyalty
is always rewarded.
Who wishes to see Mr. Catbert,
the evil director of
human resources?
Well, well, well.
The stories are true.
I might be wrong,
but I think the job
of door troll
is administrative.
This is a highly
skilled position.
Troll, get the rake.
I just have to imagine
I'm looking for gold
with a metal detector.
The funny thing is,
I don't even like my
co-workers that much.
So why do I miss them
when they're gone?
I miss you when you're gone.
But you like me.
I don't know where
you got that idea.
You don't like me?
I have very high standards.
That's why I like you.
I like you too, Dogbert.
You have to like me.
You're my mother.
I don't believe I signed
any contract to that effect,
unless they slipped me something
when I was giving birth,
but that'll never
stand up in court.
We tolerate you
largely for the
entertainment value.
Do you remember the
time I ironed poison ivy
into his underpants before
his high school graduation?
Oh. Ah.
Okay, so you don't like me.
But you do love me, right?
Yes, I do love you,
because you're family.
That's the same reason
you miss your co-workers.
My co-workers are not family.
Oh, really? Think about it.
Your boss is like the father
who left when you were little.
Alice and Wally are like
the brother and
sister you never had.
Loud Howard is like
the annoying uncle
who always embarrasses you.
And Asok the intern
is like your own son.
That is the most
appalling theory
I have ever heard.
I'm going home.
Uh, hello?
You could say that.
Since when do garbage
men make house calls?
Since always. You
just have to ask.
I'd be afraid to leave
my door unlocked all day.
I have a master key.
To every house?
I use my house key.
All the locks in this
town are the same.
But don't spread it around.
I won't.
Can I ask you a question?
You mean, can I ask
you two questions.
Fine.
Is it possible that
my co-workers
are like some sort of bizarre,
dysfunctional family to me?
It's not just possible.
It's mandatory.
Mandatory?
The brain is wired that way.
Your mind organizes
the people around you
into family roles.
Like it or not, they
are your family.
This merger is
breaking up my family.
Unless you stop it.
You replace the plastic bags?
Not usually.
Today is bag day.
Who wishes to see Mr. Catbert,
the evil director of
human resources?
Wally, it's me,
Dilbert, your brother.
I mean, your co-worker.
I have no coworkers.
I'm just a door-guarding troll.
After the merger, I'll
be an unemployed guy
whose last job was
a door-guarding troll.
Hang in there, Wally. I'm
going to stop this merger.
How?
The truth will set us free.
These cubicles are our
marketing department.
If these people don't scare you
into canceling the merger,
nothing will.
Hey there, Dilman.
Who's your friend?
That is quite a handshake
you got there, big guy.
Well, I'll see you
back at the ranch.
What the hell did you do to him?
We'll never complete this merger
if you kill the CEO.
This is what wrecked
the Roswell merger.
All I did was take
him to marketing.
He stuck his snout
in some people's ears,
and now he's acting like this.
Take him back
to his office, quick.
We don't want
him dying over here
and ruining our safety record.
Let's get the staff
meeting going.
First, an update:
Dilbert killed the CEO
of the only company
willing to acquire us,
so the merger is off.
I'm the one who told you that.
Settle down. We're trying
to have a meeting here.
I'm the only person here
who isn't engulfed in
someone else's mouth
or unconscious,
and you're giving me updates
that I gave you 10 minutes ago?
No side conversations
during the meeting, please!
Item two: Wally is being
transferred back to engineering.
Wally!
You're back! Give me five.
Sorry.
Item three: Alice has
decided to stay in her job.
Look what happens when
I don't show up for one day.
I feel like we're one big
dysfunctional family again.
Would anyone like to hug?
Oh, you mean each other.
No, thank you.
Does anyone have any
new business to discuss?
I do.
You know, I was
thinking about it,
and although the merger
idea didn't work out,
it's not a bad idea in concept.
Maybe we should give
it one more try, and...
I'm sorry the
merger got called off.
I guess you lost
your $14 billion
investment banking fee.
You guessed wrong.
I rushed the paperwork
through as soon as I heard
you were with their CEO on tour.
What are you going
to do with $14 billion?
I'm investing it in
a foreign concern.
Greetings, citizens
of Orgaplon Six.
We bring you...
synergy.