Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Security Guard - full transcript

This carpooling
together is a great idea.

Who thought of it anyway?

You did.

Do you mind if I
shave in the car?

I guess that would be okay.

What are you doing?

I like to start on my back.

I hope you realize I
have to sell my car now.

You mind if I brush my teeth?

I don't see how...

How do you expect to
rinse your mouth out?



Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Hmm.

Tomorrow, you drive...

preferably without me.

What?

What was that sound?

I think you hit a squirrel.

I love carpooling.

By the way, I dropped my floss

in the crack of your seat.

I'd like it back.

You can have the whole car.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.



I left my ID in the
car, but you know me.

I do?

We've seen each other every day

for the past five years.

Then you must know my name.

Well, uh...

It's Gary.

Of course, Gary. I knew that.

It's not Gary.

Then why did you tell me it was?

Testing your character.

Guess you failed.

Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.

There's always enough
time to be secure.

That's my motto.

That's not your motto.

It is now.

I liked it as soon
as I heard it.

How about letting
me slide this time?

That would be a violation

of the security guard's
professional code of ethics.

Professional code of ethics?

Is that a joke?

All you do is sit there and
watch people walk past.

That's hardly a profession.

Well, Mr. Big Shot Engineer

thinks he's king of the world

with his degree
and his briefcase

and his fancy cubicle.

It must be so hard

to sit there in
meetings all day.

At least it's a profession
with very strict requirements.

Your job could be done by a...

a... uh...

Help me out here.

There's always enough
time to be secure.

An ostrich.

That's what your
job could be done by.

Oh, good one.

An ostrich could do my job.

Very clever.

I'm sure you use that cleverness

in your challenging
job as an engineer.

You bet I do!

And lots more.

I could be an engineer
tomorrow if I wanted to.

But you could
never, ever do my job.

That is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

Engineering takes
years of training.

I've been doing some
reading on the topic.

For example, did you know

you can build your
own helicopter for $25?

You can't build a
helicopter for $25.

That just gets you
the instructions.

What if you already
have the parts?

Good point there.

Who has helicopter
parts in their house?

You can't be an engineer
just by reading magazines.

If you're so cocky, how
about a little wager?

We'll switch jobs for one day.

Whoever can do the
other person's job wins.

I'd do it, except there's no way

you could ever get
hired as an engineer.

When can you start?

What are you doing?

He's never been
an engineer before.

Oh, how hard could it be?

I'm always correcting your work,

and I've never been
to engineering school.

You always correct my work
from being right to being wrong.

Well, uh...

There's always enough
time to be secure.

Okay, you're on.

And what are we
wagering, if you're so cocky?

It doesn't matter,
since I'm going to win.

How about your house?

Sure, why not?

If I lose, you can
have my house.

If you lose, I can
have your house.

I don't have a house.

How about your speedboat?

Uh, no.

Polo ponies?

Let me think... no.

My God, man,

what have you been
wasting your money on?

Food.

Well, maybe you should
cut back on the calories.

That's how I got my summer home.

How about your car?

It's borrowed, but...

Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.

Deal.

But you still need your
I.D. to get in the building.

I'll be right back.

It's in the glove compartment.

Look at the time.

Gotta go!

Do you want to get
in on the sports pool?

What teams are playing?

Doesn't matter.

The winners are chosen
by matching the scores

to your randomly-selected
positions on the grid.

If it's random, why does it
matter what the scores are?

Why not forget the game and
pick the winners out of a hat?

So, you prefer to play the hat.

I can make that happen.

For $1.00, you can
draw from the hat.

And there are no random
sports teams involved?

Right... just the
way you like it.

$1.00.

It's a four.

That's a loser.
Thanks for playing.

What's the winning number?

Not four. That's all
you need to know.

Did I hear some
gambling going on here?

I want in.

There's the sports pool,

the dead pool, the awards pool,

and the Dilbert pool.

People are betting on me?

Well, most are
betting against you.

You know, if you
bet against yourself,

you'll be covered both ways.

I'm not betting.

What are the odds?

Five-to-one against.

I'll take the Dilbert pool.

The hat's a sucker's game.

How much training
do you think I need

to be a security
guard for one day?

Mm, six months.

Maybe a year.

A year?

All they do is stand there
and say, "Have a nice day."

It looks pretty easy.

It looks easy because
they're so good at it.

If you try to do that job
without the proper training,

you're dead meat.

"Dead meat" is redundant.

Once something gets
classified as meat,

it hardly ever recovers.

I've got a pork
chop in the fridge

that I'm optimistic about.

He's a fighter.

Do you have to argue

with every single thing I say?

Mm, I don't have
to. It's my hobby.

I can quit any time I want.

I need to find a
one-day training course

on how to be a security guard.

Here we go...

"Learn the art
of office security

in one easy class."

Taught by Security Guard
Grand Master Chu Nee.

Mm. That sounds good.

The course includes
sitting in a chair,

pointing toward the elevator,

shooing smokers away
from the lobby entrance,

and killing an intruder
with your thumb.

Does it have to be an intruder?

Because that could
come in handy.

That is absolutely the last
time we carpool together.

Was it my singing?

Because I don't have
to do German opera.

I make up the words,

so it can be any
language you like.

Well, if it isn't my old nemesis

the security guard.

Don't make me use the thumb.

Just show me the badge
and no one gets hurt.

Okay, okay.

There's still time to
get in the sports pool.

Only $1.00 per square.

Do you take credit cards?

Yes, I do, Loud Howard.

I've upgraded my operation.

This is a good investment
because I get airline miles!

Here is my
brand-new credit card.

It has a $10 limit.

Asok's in for 10.

No, only five.

I charged some items

at the drugstore earlier today.

Never mind what.

Why would we care what
you bought at the drugstore?

Nice try, but my exciting life

is none of your business.

My lips are sealed.

What else you have to bet on?

I got the fever now.

I could deal some poker
until the boss gets here.

Deal 'em!

Sorry I'm late,

but someone didn't
let me clean my ears

in the car this morning

so my schedule's
been off all day.

You asked to use my pen.

Anyway, anyway,
the reason we're here

is to select someone
from the group

to organize a career
day for young girls

who might want to be
engineers some day.

These girls need a role model.

Someone who is feminine,
yet skilled at technology.

How about Asok?

He's not technically a woman,

but he doesn't have much
upper body strength, either.

One time I ask for help
carrying a computer monitor!

One time!

Calm down, Asok.

I was thinking
more along the lines

of a real woman.

I got a pair of fours.

If anyone beats that,

I'll rip off his head
and spit down his neck.

What?

You say you want to
be security guards...

but do you have the stamina,

the courage, the
guts for the job?

Now...

close your eyes and imagine

you have just been asked
for directions to the elevator.

With your left hand, point.

In your final lesson,

you will learn how to kill
a man with your thumb.

I need a volunteer.

You do realize he's going
to kill you with his thumb.

Oh.

So...

the student becomes the teacher.

Not really. I just thought
that needed to be clarified.

Maybe you would like to see
how the thumb can kill a man.

I have to admit
I'd like to see it.

I'm having some trouble

believing you can kill
someone with a thumb.

You dare to mock me?

I have attained three navy
blue belts in office security.

I'm just saying it's hard
to believe a thumb...

Silence!

Or you will have
to deal with me.

Uh...

anybody want to get coffee?

As you know, we need to build

a high-speed communications link

to our Brazilian subsidiary.

Any ideas?

Fiber-optic cable.

That would not be economical

given the rough terrain.

Well, then, how about
microwave relay stations

on top of the hills?

Too hard to get the
maintenance crews

up the hills.

How about you, New Dilbert?

Well...

we could...

build helicopters...

from ordinary parts
found in our homes

and fly the maintenance
crews up the hills.

Isn't that expensive?

Only $25 apiece.

I'm Officer Dilbert

here for the night shift.

Nice to meet you,
Officer Dilbert.

I'm officer...

I've sat in some
spirited chairs in my day,

but this one is
the devil himself.

You are trained, aren't you?

Kind of.

God help you, son.

There's a garlic necklace
under the counter

for when it gets dark.

Garlic?!

Keeps away the undead.

Don't try eating a cross.

That don't work.

I'm working security
and looking good.

How do they do
that moon-walking?

It must be special effects.

Whew!

Well, no problems yet,

and I've been a security
guard for well over...

a minute.

We're so glad you're
having this career day

for our daughters, Alice.

You're such a good role model.

Pick up your little
monsters in an hour,

otherwise I'm feeding
them to the homeless.

She's got a great
sense of humor.

Am I too early?

Come back in an hour.

Halt!

I just came in to
use the restroom.

Restrooms are
for employees only.

Do you mind if I
use the elevator?

No, you may not
use the elevator.

The man in the
ill-fitting blue suit

is Dilbert.

Don't be like him.

Did you come down
to keep me company?

I came for casino night.

Casino night?

You might have
the wrong building.

No, I'm infallible.

I don't know why you
can't remember that.

Maybe I'd better come with you.

Okay, girls, this
game is called craps,

because if you lose,

you can beat the
crap out of Wally.

I could take those little girls.

Mom?

Dilbert? I thought so.

What?

All those years pretending
to be an engineer. Hmph!

It all makes sense now.

No, it's not like that.

What are you doing here?

This is an illegal casino.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Just this afternoon,

I found your collection of
Susan B. Anthony dollars

in the basement.

I was ready to throw them away,

but then I heard about
Wally's little racket,

and here I am.

You're gambling with
my coin collection?

Yes, dear, but I'm winning
almost a third of the time,

and anyway, if you're
working security,

I think you've got bigger
things to worry about.

I'll need to see some fake ID.

I don't have any fake ID.

But you plan to get
some fake ID, right?

Give me that!

This is outrageous!

I want you all out
of here this minute!

It's not so easy being
a security guard, is it?

You! I haven't
lost this bet yet.

The night is young.

I've got hours to clear this up.

My mommy is coming to
pick me up in 30 minutes.

Place your bets.

Remember the system.

Face cards are plus one,
number cards are minus one.

You're teaching
her to count cards?

This is so wrong!

Hey, Asok, look over there.

It's a rewarding career.

Where?

I don't see a rewarding career?

I'm good.

Asok, look over there.

It's a woman who respects you

despite your low
status and tiny income.

Where? I don't see a
woman who respects me

despite my low
status and tiny income.

I'm good.

Look, Asok, there's
a wall behind you!

What am I doing wrong?!

You have 25 minutes
before the moms get here

and you're fired for being an
incompetent security guard.

Ah, I can hardly wait.

This is not over, my friend.

I've been in tighter
spots than this.

Hmm, I don't
recognize this corridor.

Are you finished?

I guess so.

Good. Now, where's the bathroom?

Since when do zombies
need bathrooms?

When they drink 12 beers.

I need an amp and some
cable and I'm in business.

That should do it.

Five minutes to spare.

Attention, all illegal gamblers:

this is security.

Leave the building immediately.

Attention, attention!

Leave the building now or else!

Or else what?

I'm still figuring that out,

but you can be sure it
will be very, very bad.

Three minutes.

Hey!

Oh, never mind.

The garlic is my only chance.

Hello, ladies.

How are you?

How may I help you?

We had Italian for dinner.

Halt! You can't go up there

for reasons that
are very, very good

but can't be
succinctly explained.

Game's over.

Everyone, hit the stairs.

It's a serious crime
to set off a false alarm.

We suspect one
of the street people.

I can't lie.

I did it.

I pulled the alarm.

Okay. You're free to go.

What?

I thought it was
a serious crime?

You're part of the brotherhood.

Brotherhood?

What brotherhood?

Well, you got your
law enforcement,

and your safety services...

Bailiffs, prison
guards, judges...

Armed forces, including
the coast guard...

Did we let the skycaps in?

I missed the last meeting.

Yeah, yeah. Me too.

Did you hear if
the skycaps got in?

Just barely.

The Wal-mart greeters
held out to the last vote.

How about engineers?

Can they get in?

I may not have won the bet,

but at least I didn't lose.

Don't be so sure.

You barely succeeded
as a security guard,

but the security
guard has gotten a job

as an engineer at
a better company.

He did very well in
the personal interview.

What do you think you're doing?

I could have
fallen into that hole.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Big
Shot Security Guard

with his fancy chair

and his uniform all
clean and sparkly,

thinks he knows my
job better than I do.

How hard is it to put
up some safety cones

so people don't fall
into the open sewer?

Maybe you think
you could do this job.

This isn't so hard.

I could do this for one day.

Ratbert?

I can't stop.

I'm doing laps.

You call that the backstroke?

Your arms are all wrong,
and you're not kicking right.

Well, Mr. Big Shot Sewer
Worker thinks he can be a rat.

I'd like to see you
do my job for one day.

Maybe I should just learn
to keep my mouth shut.