Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Dupey - full transcript
The company creates marketing buzz about something called a "Dupey". Dilbert is put in charge of creating the new sensation. Unfortunately, his creation takes a life of its own.
I didn't know you ate here.
I don't. I just come here
to yell at the employees.
Your milkshake, sir.
That'll be $1.89.
Your sign says $1.98.
What kind of a
rip-off joint is this?
Oh, I am so sorry.
You're right.
Now I don't even want it.
You can keep your milkshake.
Have a nice day.
Huh!
See you back at the office.
Have a nice day.
Would you like a
free dupey with that?
I don't know what a dupey is,
but if it's free, I'll take one.
I'm sorry, we don't have any.
I'm not going to hit you.
You can if you want.
Everyone does.
What exactly is a dupey anyway?
I have no idea, sir,
but they're very popular.
Oh, they're the cutest things,
although they
don't even exist yet.
I'm trying to collect
the whole set.
They don't exist?
Why are you asking me
if I want something
that doesn't even exist?
That's the idea.
I don't know, sir.
I just work here.
Ow... thank you.
Have a nice day.
Ratbert, can you tell me
why strange babies
are in my kitchen?
No. I'm operating on
a need-to-know basis.
Spoons loaded.
Commence dining.
It's hard to get mad.
They're so cute.
That's what I've
been telling you.
Use your cuteness.
It is your most powerful weapon.
You think you should be
teaching babies this sort of thing?
No, you can't start too early.
I've been working
with most of these kids
since they were in the womb.
What do their
parents think of this?
Oh, they think
they're at the park.
The nannies are on the payroll.
Don't you think they
have a right to know?
Why? Because they're older?
That's so arbitrary.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Next week, I'll teach you
how to kick the
seat in front of you
for the entire
length of the movie.
Then I have a special clinic
on making all the
candy in the jar yours
via the miracle of slobbering.
I invited Ann from marketing
to tell us a little about our
newest advertising campaign.
Ah... ah...
Uh-oh.
Sneeze coming!
Ah... ah...
Fire in the hole!
Ah... ah...
I think everyone might be
overreacting...
Gesundheit.
Watch me get blamed for that!
Maybe I'll just tell you
about the marketing
campaign myself.
I've got a little
surprise for you.
Uh-oh.
I don't like surprises.
Nothing good can come from this.
My desire for spontaneity
has not been
ground into dust yet.
I still like a surprise.
Is it a ceramic porpoise,
or possibly some sort of
tossed salad in a blanket?
Come on, those aren't
even good guesses.
Oh, please, show us
and make my tingling stop.
Look, it's a dupey.
Isn't it cute?
Isn't it cute?
Well, isn't it?
It's your hand.
That's because the
freaking dupey doesn't exist.
Yet, our marketing department
has been advertising
it for months.
You mean our company is
supposed to be making the dupey?
We're not even a toy company.
Why didn't someone in
marketing come to us sooner?
Dilbert, you're in charge
of building the dupey.
Just make it cute.
Very, very cute.
There are more important
things than cuteness, you know?
Ah... ah...
Hold it.
There's still time to invite
someone else from marketing.
Oh, my word!
Dilbert, cut the cord.
Me? I don't think so.
You really think I
should? Maybe...
Just cut the cord!
Congratulations. It's a fad.
Remember, kids,
if your parents feel
guilty, they are guilty.
Hey, look what I brought home.
It's a...
Now I'm not the cutest
one in the family anymore.
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
Must be a loose connection.
Now, come on...
I can't do this all night.
This is not the way
you've been programmed.
I'm sure you're fine.
This is just a
minor malfunction.
Now, stop it.
Stop it.
I'm sorry I'm late.
The dupey kept me
up again last night.
It is very innovative
to blame a toy for
your shortcomings.
Surely, this method
will spread like wildfire.
I'm not really lazy.
I blame that damn dupey.
Sometimes, the dupey
makes my hair look too big.
I'm not loud!
I'm not making this up.
The dupey's
malfunctioning at night,
and I don't know why.
Sounds familiar.
I remember when
I'd be trying to sleep,
and the little tikes
would be crying all
night in the next room.
How did you stop them?
Didn't have to.
Turns out I was in
the wrong house.
My Justin shows absolutely
no interest in the dupey.
I'm with him.
I don't know what
people see in these things.
Justin only watches
educational television.
Psht. Yeah.
And I don't eat sugar
right from the box
when you're not looking.
Give me the keys;
I'll pull the car around.
I'll name you Billy and Eric,
and I think you look
like a Sebastian.
Hey, Alice, have you
seen the sales report?
The dupeys are a huge sensation.
It just proves people
will buy anything.
What was that?
I didn't hear any dupeys.
Would you excuse
me? I have work to do.
Okay.
She's coming this way.
You might as well go
home right now, my friend.
She is all mine.
Oh, yeah? What do you got?
Huh... is that it?
Read 'em and weep.
A dupey?
I can't compete with that.
Can I have these?
Sure. Okay.
She took mine first.
Top news story...
The dupey doll has become
an international sensation.
Oh, yeah.
All this
despite reports that some dupeys
are evolving from
their original cute form...
Evolving?
Into something hideous
that could destroy the
planet within the week.
Destroy the planet?
And now, some
celebrity birthdays
brought to you by the dupey.
♪ By any criteria ♪
♪ We are superior ♪
♪ We are the dupeys ♪♪
That's our show for today, kids.
If you'd like a copy
of our transcript,
we'll transmit it
directly into your
head using telepathy.
And remember,
if your parents don't buy
you a dupey every week...
They're only
pretending to love you!
Hello... Mom?
Have you mailed
me anything recently?
Dupey? Dupey, we need to talk.
Dupey?
And so, you see
we have evolved into
a higher form of life.
Uh... higher than who?
Not counting you, Dogbert.
Apology accepted.
I can't help noticing
you've lost one quality.
We are no longer,
as you say, "cute."
Whoo! I'm the cutest one
in the family again!
♪ Kum-bah-yah My Lord ♪
♪ Kum-bah-yah... ♪
Ka-bang!
All right, I'll shut up now.
We have evolved beyond
the need for cuteness.
It has no role in an
advanced species.
Hello, gorgeous.
Do you mind if I
use the reflection
from your head as a mirror?
I'm in the door.
What's in the bag?
Is that one of those
cute little dupeys?
They come for the reflection,
but they stay for the dupey.
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
Your reaction was
to the dupey, right?
Help! Open the door!
Help! Help! Help!
Open the door!
Help! Help! Help!
So this is what happens
when you leave a sandwich
in your drawer too long.
We are not huge flies.
We are an advanced form of life.
You have freed
us from the drawer.
To reward you, we will
use our advanced intellect
to benefit mankind.
What is it your
species needs most?
I can't think of anything.
Perhaps we could tell you
how to cure a terrible disease.
No, I'm good.
Maybe you would like a
perpetual, clean fuel source.
Don't need it.
I use gasoline.
Have you heard of it?
Ken is here from marketing
to tell us how the sales
of dupeys are going.
I'm afraid it's bad news.
Ahh... ahh... ahh...
Oh...
I've worked here a long time...
Ahh...
Ahh...
Ahh...
And I've never seen
anything go from good to bad
so quickly.
Maybe I'll tell you the
dupey status myself.
They evolved into
hideous insects,
and sales are in the crapper.
They're not insects.
They're a superior form of life.
Superior?
They don't even
look cute anymore.
There's more to being superior
than just being cute, you know?
You're preaching to the choir.
They can teach us so much...
Science, technology, medicine.
They're not cute anymore!
No, they're not
cute, Loud Howard,
but they are so much more now.
They have transcended our
limited levels of awareness
and become the next
logical, evolutionary step.
And they're delicious
with teriyaki sauce.
What?
Yes.
We're very excited.
Our studies show that the dupeys
are dupelicious.
We're relaunching
the dupey product line
next week as a pizza topping.
You can't do that.
The dupeys are sentient beings.
If, by "sentient," you
mean good eating
I think we're on the same page.
I know how it feels to
create a new species
only to have someone
come along later and eat it.
You do?
I don't talk about it much.
I can't let the dupeys
become pizza topping.
I have to do something.
Why? You stood idly by
while it happened to pineapples.
Pineapples are different.
They're not alive.
Well, they're alive,
but they aren't intelligent.
They're smarter than bananas.
It's all relative.
What are you saying?
It's arbitrary.
Who's your pet?
Who's your food?
Who's your insurance salesman?
We have reasons
for those distinctions.
Yes, but not good reasons.
How do I convince people
The dupeys aren't food?
Teach the dupeys
to sell insurance.
That's not the best advice
you've ever given.
They can't all be winners.
I do not wish to
be a pizza topping.
I'm trying to figure out
how to save you and your people.
Have I mentioned that
I'm a superior life-form?
About once a minute,
since you got wings.
It never gets old.
Look, I can save you.
You'll just have to hide
in the house with me.
I... I just don't know
about the others.
You have raised
me, and I am grateful,
but I am a dupey.
I must be with other dupeys.
It is time for me
to leave the nest.
You can't leave.
If someone gets a bun
around you, you're dead.
That is a risk I must take.
You did your best,
and I will always
love you for that,
but you cannot
protect me forever.
Dupey!
Goodbye.
Don't ever leave.
This room?
Never mind.
The moment's gone.
Stupid fruit!
Best three out of five!
Let me ask you a
hypothetical question.
Would you eat an
insurance salesman?
I did that once.
It was part of a
fraternity hazing.
Okay, bad example.
I just realized I don't know
what "hypothetical" means.
My goal is to create an
anti-dupey-eating campaign.
Okay, how about,
"This is your brain.
This is your brain
after eating a dupey"?
That doesn't even make sense.
You don't understand
the creative process.
You stole that slogan from
the anti-drug campaign.
Okay, maybe you do
understand the creative process.
How about, "Dupeys:
they're like little insurance
salesmen with wings"?
No, too overdone.
Overdone?
How about: "Dupeys:
they're like little insurance
salesmen with wings!"?
Much better.
Since we converted the
dupeys to a food item,
worldwide sales have
leveled out at zero.
We're calling it a
success because...
that's just what we do.
Gee, I wonder why
no one wants to eat the dupeys.
Maybe it has something to do
with that brilliant, new
anti-dupey-eating campaign.
No, it wasn't that.
Our research tells us
no one wants to eat
huge, talking insects
that beg for their lives.
Not intuitive.
But the anti-dupey-eating
ad campaign
helped a little too.
No!
Anyway, we shipped
our entire dupey inventory
to the landfill,
where they will be
pecked to death by seagulls.
Do we call that a success too?
You can't just throw
the dupeys away.
They're a superior form of life.
They're not cute anymore!
Deja vu!
Do you know
where the landfill is?
This might seem
odd to you, but I do.
Get in.
We'll need reinforcements.
The landfill has a rule
that you can't
take anything back.
They never bend.
Dogbert, meet
us at the landfill.
Bring help.
It looks like you've got
an empty truck there.
You know the rules...
No pickups, only drop-offs.
I'm here to save an
advanced species
from being pecked
to death by seagulls.
If I made an exception for you,
everyone would be coming in here
and taking home garbage.
The whole system
would break down.
Please, just this once.
We promise we won't
touch any of the good stuff.
Who told you there's
good stuff in there?
Ready spoon.
Commence dining.
Dupey, am I too late?
We tried our energy blasts,
but they just kept coming.
It's okay now.
You can come home.
You'll be all right.
We can't go back.
Somehow, we have been branded
as insurance salesmen.
Ahem. We will never be respected
on this world.
Oh. I can explain that.
We must leave this place.
The dupeys must
escape the bigotry
and random seagull attacks
that characterize this world.
You understand?
Unfortunately, I do.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I see you eyeing
those melon rinds!
Those are my melon rinds!
Don't even think bout
those melon rinds!
I got dibs on the
rinds! You hear me?
The house seems so empty now.
Have you noticed that I exist?
Yes, but I don't miss you
because you're always here.
That is the nicest compliment
I have ever heard.
Dupey, is that you?
Where are you?
I can't reveal our new
location for security reasons.
I understand.
We have found a new home
where our advanced
intellect is appreciated
and physical appearance
is not important.
I didn't realize there
was such a place.
I must go now.
We have a code review meeting.
I don't. I just come here
to yell at the employees.
Your milkshake, sir.
That'll be $1.89.
Your sign says $1.98.
What kind of a
rip-off joint is this?
Oh, I am so sorry.
You're right.
Now I don't even want it.
You can keep your milkshake.
Have a nice day.
Huh!
See you back at the office.
Have a nice day.
Would you like a
free dupey with that?
I don't know what a dupey is,
but if it's free, I'll take one.
I'm sorry, we don't have any.
I'm not going to hit you.
You can if you want.
Everyone does.
What exactly is a dupey anyway?
I have no idea, sir,
but they're very popular.
Oh, they're the cutest things,
although they
don't even exist yet.
I'm trying to collect
the whole set.
They don't exist?
Why are you asking me
if I want something
that doesn't even exist?
That's the idea.
I don't know, sir.
I just work here.
Ow... thank you.
Have a nice day.
Ratbert, can you tell me
why strange babies
are in my kitchen?
No. I'm operating on
a need-to-know basis.
Spoons loaded.
Commence dining.
It's hard to get mad.
They're so cute.
That's what I've
been telling you.
Use your cuteness.
It is your most powerful weapon.
You think you should be
teaching babies this sort of thing?
No, you can't start too early.
I've been working
with most of these kids
since they were in the womb.
What do their
parents think of this?
Oh, they think
they're at the park.
The nannies are on the payroll.
Don't you think they
have a right to know?
Why? Because they're older?
That's so arbitrary.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Next week, I'll teach you
how to kick the
seat in front of you
for the entire
length of the movie.
Then I have a special clinic
on making all the
candy in the jar yours
via the miracle of slobbering.
I invited Ann from marketing
to tell us a little about our
newest advertising campaign.
Ah... ah...
Uh-oh.
Sneeze coming!
Ah... ah...
Fire in the hole!
Ah... ah...
I think everyone might be
overreacting...
Gesundheit.
Watch me get blamed for that!
Maybe I'll just tell you
about the marketing
campaign myself.
I've got a little
surprise for you.
Uh-oh.
I don't like surprises.
Nothing good can come from this.
My desire for spontaneity
has not been
ground into dust yet.
I still like a surprise.
Is it a ceramic porpoise,
or possibly some sort of
tossed salad in a blanket?
Come on, those aren't
even good guesses.
Oh, please, show us
and make my tingling stop.
Look, it's a dupey.
Isn't it cute?
Isn't it cute?
Well, isn't it?
It's your hand.
That's because the
freaking dupey doesn't exist.
Yet, our marketing department
has been advertising
it for months.
You mean our company is
supposed to be making the dupey?
We're not even a toy company.
Why didn't someone in
marketing come to us sooner?
Dilbert, you're in charge
of building the dupey.
Just make it cute.
Very, very cute.
There are more important
things than cuteness, you know?
Ah... ah...
Hold it.
There's still time to invite
someone else from marketing.
Oh, my word!
Dilbert, cut the cord.
Me? I don't think so.
You really think I
should? Maybe...
Just cut the cord!
Congratulations. It's a fad.
Remember, kids,
if your parents feel
guilty, they are guilty.
Hey, look what I brought home.
It's a...
Now I'm not the cutest
one in the family anymore.
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
Must be a loose connection.
Now, come on...
I can't do this all night.
This is not the way
you've been programmed.
I'm sure you're fine.
This is just a
minor malfunction.
Now, stop it.
Stop it.
I'm sorry I'm late.
The dupey kept me
up again last night.
It is very innovative
to blame a toy for
your shortcomings.
Surely, this method
will spread like wildfire.
I'm not really lazy.
I blame that damn dupey.
Sometimes, the dupey
makes my hair look too big.
I'm not loud!
I'm not making this up.
The dupey's
malfunctioning at night,
and I don't know why.
Sounds familiar.
I remember when
I'd be trying to sleep,
and the little tikes
would be crying all
night in the next room.
How did you stop them?
Didn't have to.
Turns out I was in
the wrong house.
My Justin shows absolutely
no interest in the dupey.
I'm with him.
I don't know what
people see in these things.
Justin only watches
educational television.
Psht. Yeah.
And I don't eat sugar
right from the box
when you're not looking.
Give me the keys;
I'll pull the car around.
I'll name you Billy and Eric,
and I think you look
like a Sebastian.
Hey, Alice, have you
seen the sales report?
The dupeys are a huge sensation.
It just proves people
will buy anything.
What was that?
I didn't hear any dupeys.
Would you excuse
me? I have work to do.
Okay.
She's coming this way.
You might as well go
home right now, my friend.
She is all mine.
Oh, yeah? What do you got?
Huh... is that it?
Read 'em and weep.
A dupey?
I can't compete with that.
Can I have these?
Sure. Okay.
She took mine first.
Top news story...
The dupey doll has become
an international sensation.
Oh, yeah.
All this
despite reports that some dupeys
are evolving from
their original cute form...
Evolving?
Into something hideous
that could destroy the
planet within the week.
Destroy the planet?
And now, some
celebrity birthdays
brought to you by the dupey.
♪ By any criteria ♪
♪ We are superior ♪
♪ We are the dupeys ♪♪
That's our show for today, kids.
If you'd like a copy
of our transcript,
we'll transmit it
directly into your
head using telepathy.
And remember,
if your parents don't buy
you a dupey every week...
They're only
pretending to love you!
Hello... Mom?
Have you mailed
me anything recently?
Dupey? Dupey, we need to talk.
Dupey?
And so, you see
we have evolved into
a higher form of life.
Uh... higher than who?
Not counting you, Dogbert.
Apology accepted.
I can't help noticing
you've lost one quality.
We are no longer,
as you say, "cute."
Whoo! I'm the cutest one
in the family again!
♪ Kum-bah-yah My Lord ♪
♪ Kum-bah-yah... ♪
Ka-bang!
All right, I'll shut up now.
We have evolved beyond
the need for cuteness.
It has no role in an
advanced species.
Hello, gorgeous.
Do you mind if I
use the reflection
from your head as a mirror?
I'm in the door.
What's in the bag?
Is that one of those
cute little dupeys?
They come for the reflection,
but they stay for the dupey.
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
Your reaction was
to the dupey, right?
Help! Open the door!
Help! Help! Help!
Open the door!
Help! Help! Help!
So this is what happens
when you leave a sandwich
in your drawer too long.
We are not huge flies.
We are an advanced form of life.
You have freed
us from the drawer.
To reward you, we will
use our advanced intellect
to benefit mankind.
What is it your
species needs most?
I can't think of anything.
Perhaps we could tell you
how to cure a terrible disease.
No, I'm good.
Maybe you would like a
perpetual, clean fuel source.
Don't need it.
I use gasoline.
Have you heard of it?
Ken is here from marketing
to tell us how the sales
of dupeys are going.
I'm afraid it's bad news.
Ahh... ahh... ahh...
Oh...
I've worked here a long time...
Ahh...
Ahh...
Ahh...
And I've never seen
anything go from good to bad
so quickly.
Maybe I'll tell you the
dupey status myself.
They evolved into
hideous insects,
and sales are in the crapper.
They're not insects.
They're a superior form of life.
Superior?
They don't even
look cute anymore.
There's more to being superior
than just being cute, you know?
You're preaching to the choir.
They can teach us so much...
Science, technology, medicine.
They're not cute anymore!
No, they're not
cute, Loud Howard,
but they are so much more now.
They have transcended our
limited levels of awareness
and become the next
logical, evolutionary step.
And they're delicious
with teriyaki sauce.
What?
Yes.
We're very excited.
Our studies show that the dupeys
are dupelicious.
We're relaunching
the dupey product line
next week as a pizza topping.
You can't do that.
The dupeys are sentient beings.
If, by "sentient," you
mean good eating
I think we're on the same page.
I know how it feels to
create a new species
only to have someone
come along later and eat it.
You do?
I don't talk about it much.
I can't let the dupeys
become pizza topping.
I have to do something.
Why? You stood idly by
while it happened to pineapples.
Pineapples are different.
They're not alive.
Well, they're alive,
but they aren't intelligent.
They're smarter than bananas.
It's all relative.
What are you saying?
It's arbitrary.
Who's your pet?
Who's your food?
Who's your insurance salesman?
We have reasons
for those distinctions.
Yes, but not good reasons.
How do I convince people
The dupeys aren't food?
Teach the dupeys
to sell insurance.
That's not the best advice
you've ever given.
They can't all be winners.
I do not wish to
be a pizza topping.
I'm trying to figure out
how to save you and your people.
Have I mentioned that
I'm a superior life-form?
About once a minute,
since you got wings.
It never gets old.
Look, I can save you.
You'll just have to hide
in the house with me.
I... I just don't know
about the others.
You have raised
me, and I am grateful,
but I am a dupey.
I must be with other dupeys.
It is time for me
to leave the nest.
You can't leave.
If someone gets a bun
around you, you're dead.
That is a risk I must take.
You did your best,
and I will always
love you for that,
but you cannot
protect me forever.
Dupey!
Goodbye.
Don't ever leave.
This room?
Never mind.
The moment's gone.
Stupid fruit!
Best three out of five!
Let me ask you a
hypothetical question.
Would you eat an
insurance salesman?
I did that once.
It was part of a
fraternity hazing.
Okay, bad example.
I just realized I don't know
what "hypothetical" means.
My goal is to create an
anti-dupey-eating campaign.
Okay, how about,
"This is your brain.
This is your brain
after eating a dupey"?
That doesn't even make sense.
You don't understand
the creative process.
You stole that slogan from
the anti-drug campaign.
Okay, maybe you do
understand the creative process.
How about, "Dupeys:
they're like little insurance
salesmen with wings"?
No, too overdone.
Overdone?
How about: "Dupeys:
they're like little insurance
salesmen with wings!"?
Much better.
Since we converted the
dupeys to a food item,
worldwide sales have
leveled out at zero.
We're calling it a
success because...
that's just what we do.
Gee, I wonder why
no one wants to eat the dupeys.
Maybe it has something to do
with that brilliant, new
anti-dupey-eating campaign.
No, it wasn't that.
Our research tells us
no one wants to eat
huge, talking insects
that beg for their lives.
Not intuitive.
But the anti-dupey-eating
ad campaign
helped a little too.
No!
Anyway, we shipped
our entire dupey inventory
to the landfill,
where they will be
pecked to death by seagulls.
Do we call that a success too?
You can't just throw
the dupeys away.
They're a superior form of life.
They're not cute anymore!
Deja vu!
Do you know
where the landfill is?
This might seem
odd to you, but I do.
Get in.
We'll need reinforcements.
The landfill has a rule
that you can't
take anything back.
They never bend.
Dogbert, meet
us at the landfill.
Bring help.
It looks like you've got
an empty truck there.
You know the rules...
No pickups, only drop-offs.
I'm here to save an
advanced species
from being pecked
to death by seagulls.
If I made an exception for you,
everyone would be coming in here
and taking home garbage.
The whole system
would break down.
Please, just this once.
We promise we won't
touch any of the good stuff.
Who told you there's
good stuff in there?
Ready spoon.
Commence dining.
Dupey, am I too late?
We tried our energy blasts,
but they just kept coming.
It's okay now.
You can come home.
You'll be all right.
We can't go back.
Somehow, we have been branded
as insurance salesmen.
Ahem. We will never be respected
on this world.
Oh. I can explain that.
We must leave this place.
The dupeys must
escape the bigotry
and random seagull attacks
that characterize this world.
You understand?
Unfortunately, I do.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I see you eyeing
those melon rinds!
Those are my melon rinds!
Don't even think bout
those melon rinds!
I got dibs on the
rinds! You hear me?
The house seems so empty now.
Have you noticed that I exist?
Yes, but I don't miss you
because you're always here.
That is the nicest compliment
I have ever heard.
Dupey, is that you?
Where are you?
I can't reveal our new
location for security reasons.
I understand.
We have found a new home
where our advanced
intellect is appreciated
and physical appearance
is not important.
I didn't realize there
was such a place.
I must go now.
We have a code review meeting.