Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Trial - full transcript

Welcome to English
for Managers, tape one.

Listen and repeat.

Tape one. Listen and repeat.

We will enable timely,
knowledge-based decision-making

based on real-time information

by implementing an enterprise
resource management system.

We will entangle timid,
college-based precision markets

based on full-time repudiation

by instigating a... something,
something. Whatever.

Very good.

Really?



I thought I missed a word.

They say they're
slow, but they're not.

I just want to take
this opportunity

to thank you all

for participating

in our company's
mandatory blood drive.

You really are the life
blood of this company.

Oh.

Rose, you are like

the fresh dew on
a morning flower.

My heart yearns for you.

Your soft skin.

Your triangle hair.

Your lips



like two tiny sausages
stacked upon each other.

Death row is a lonely
place, my precious.

The only things to
occupy the empty hours

are thoughts of you

and the contraband I
have hidden in my colon.

My dying wish, Alice, is
for your hand in marriage.

That is so romantic.

All my love, Vince.

P.S. Please respond
before next Friday at noon.

What if I don't have
any extra blood?

Maybe I only have
exactly enough.

Everyone has extra blood.

It doesn't matter anyway.

You'll never get past
the screening process.

I will now read a list of
disqualifying conditions.

Please leave the auditorium

if any of the
following apply to you.

"Are you now or have
you ever been... Wally?"

Yes. First one out.

Repeat.

The disconnects between
gross margin and leverage

will be harnessed for
commercial ventures.

The discotheques between
gross margarine and beverages

will be harmless
to your dentures.

Very good.

Now close your eyes

and visualize each
word as you say it.

Imagine the word "vision."

Try to see it in your mind.

Is it black?

Have you gotten any
tattoos in the last six months?

Have you had intimate
physical relations with anyone

in the past 10 years?

Not really,

but I'm trying to
build a reputation.

With your eyes still closed,

imagine a picture

that corresponds with the phrase

"a commitment to synergy."

I see it. It's like some sort
of two-headed woodchuck,

or is it a beaver?

Can you get a clean
shot at his tires?

I think I can hit the
spare tire in the back.

Wait.

He stopped.

♪ Infinity bottles Of
beer on the wall ♪

♪ Infinity bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
Should happen to fall ♪

♪ Infinity bottles Of
beer on the wall... ♪

Come on! I can't take

Another four hours of this.

Go! Go! Go!

♪ Infinity bottles of
beer on the wall... ♪

Will you just shut up?

You have infinite
beer on the wall, okay?

It will never be fewer.

Now put your hands
out to your sides

and wave them, slowly.

Can you imagine if something

were to happen to
this bus, Helmut?

The sciences of
physics, chemistry,

mathematics and medicine

are wiped out in a stroke.

And economics.

Economics is not a
science and never will be!

He's waving us on.

Finally.

All units.

He's heading for a
large business campus.

Prepare to intercept.

Are you telling me

you haven't done
anything on this list?

I've been very busy.

All right, roll up your sleeve.

Whoo.

Isn't that the fifth bag?

We got a quota.

Can I have a cookie?

No, I ate them while
you were bleeding.

All right, sharpshooters.

If you get a clear shot,

take it.

Uh... there's people in the way.

Aw, shoot.

Aw, shoot.

I've got to get me
a new swear word.

The vehicle had no
registration or plates

so we're hoping someone saw him.

Why would a vehicle need

registration and plates?

I'm just the sketch artist.

Oh, a specialist.

Well, I didn't
exactly see the guy,

but from what I
heard on the radio

I've got a pretty good idea

of what he looks like.

Can you describe him for me?

I could, but I'm extremely busy.

Wally!

Uh, I can't work too hard.

I almost gave blood today.

I want you to describe
to these officers

the man I heard about

on the radio this morning.

What?

Be as specific as you can.

Don't leave out anything.

All right. I'll tell them
everything you know.

These remind me of
water balloons, except...

filled with blood.

Put that down.

It looks like

you have some extras.

All right, one bag,

but let me show
you how to do it.

This psycho must
have left a blood trail.

I want you to comb
every inch of this area

for the killer's DNA.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

And don't let this crime scene

get contaminated.

Good one, huh?

Nice shooting, yourself.

Well, thank you.

Driving without blood
is surprisingly difficult.

Sir, how many drinks
have you had this evening?

Nothing. I couldn't
even get a cookie,

then a lady took
all of my blood.

Okay, buddy, count
backward from 100

using only prime numbers.

97, 89, 83, 79, 73, 71...

Okay. No one likes a wiseass.

Get out of the car.

Attention all units.
Attention all units.

Positive DNA match has been made

on the Nobel prize slaughter.

The suspect is Caucasian,

wearing glasses, in
laughably bad shape,

and answers to
the name "Dilbert."

Hey. That's me.

So with the Nobel prize killer

safely behind bars

looking at a swift execution

once the 40 to 75
years of appeals is over

and everyone associated
with the case long dead,

strange men with
incomprehensible theories

that can't be proven

can once again
breathe a sigh of relief.

Mr. and Mrs. Fennerman?

Hi, I'm Alice.

I'm engaged to your son, Vince.

It is so nice to
meet you, darling.

Here, do you need a sign?

That's okay. I have my own.

I don't understand.

Aren't you two getting married?

Yes.

We're going to spend the
rest of our lives together.

Mark my words...

this marriage will never last.

Wow!

This cell is huge.

Sorry about the
internet connection.

There's an internet connection?

Your cable modem's in the shop.

We're running you through
the T-One until it gets back.

What's this?

Fan mail.

Probably a few
marriage proposals.

For me?

Marriage proposals?

You're in for murder, right?

That's an aphrodisiac
for the fairer sex.

You know, I'm actually innocent.

I wouldn't let that slip out.

Excuse me... how did you decide

that five cigarettes was
worth one candy bar?

Well... I was hungry.

First of all,

you should never barter
on an empty stomach.

Second, this is
much too inefficient.

So, everything used for barter

could be valued
at a constant rate

relative to everything else.

For instance, a shampoo
bottle of home-made gin

is equal to a clean toothbrush,

which is also equivalent

to an eight-ounce
bar of chocolate

or five cigarettes.

Any questions?

Okay, one might wonder

what happens when a scarcity
in a perishable commodity,

say chocolate,

causes a relative glut of
another more durable item

such as erotic literature.

Anyone?

Yes?

We carve a potato
into the shape of a gun

and cover it with shoe polish?

You could do that.

Or wait for the market
to automatically adjust

to take into account the
commodity imbalance,

thus moving the exchange
rate to a new point of stability.

You can do all that
without a potato?

Ay!

Chocolate at
two-and-a-half cigarettes!

Chocolate at two-and-a-half!

Over here, Victoria's Secret.

Desserts, desserts!

I got Victoria's Secret.

How about 8-N-G-Y-4-3-2?

Let me check.

Boys! Boys!

You're sitting on
a gold mine here.

Do you realize the
license plate business

is a growth industry
and a legal monopoly?

By automating your order
flow and assembly process,

you'll increase productivity
and reduce costs.

The guy who had this
job before didn't train me.

Dead man walking!

Down the aisle.

We are gathered here today

to join two souls
in holy matrimony

and to damn one of
them to eternal hellfire.

I understand that you two
have written your own vows.

Vince, who would've
thought 10 years ago

that a grisly mass murder

would lead to such
a blissful union?

You are my heart.
You are my soul.

You make living worthwhile.

I look forward to spending

the next 45 seconds
as your loving wife.

Vince?

I didn't do it!

Oh, for the love of God!

Please don't kill me!

Uh... right.

Okay.

By the authority vested in me

by the state
correctional facility,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may now insert the gag.

You're making a big mistake!

I didn't! I didn't!

It is an incredible book,

Mr. Dogbert.

Thanks. It took me
all morning to write it.

It's the ending that bothers me.

It would be better
if this Dilbert fellow

gets set free at
the last minute,

instead of flaming
like a marshmallow.

How much better would it be?

Mmm, about $3
million in movie rights.

I'll talk to the supreme court.

Ugh! There are just no
good convicts out there!

That one's cute.

Cute, yes, but he's got a
damn good appeal pending.

I read the brief.

Oh, you can't tell anything

from a picture, anyway.

In my high school yearbook,
I didn't even look attractive.

Maybe we should
go visit Dilbert.

Check the place out.

That sounds like it
involves leaving work.

I'll drive.

I couldn't help overhearing you

while I was eavesdropping.

Do you mind if I go with you

to stare at the
miserable miscreant?

Uh, there's no room in my car.

It's filled with oxygen
and carbon dioxide.

That's not good.

I'll drive my own car.

Can you give me directions?

Yes. Yes, I can.

Who's that?

He's an axe murderer.

Ooh, the outdoor type.

Let me talk to Wally.

Put in a good word
for me in C block.

Hey, Dilbert! Looking good.

All that hard manual
labor's paying off.

Actually, there
is no hard labor.

I have all day to
think, to exercise,

and to work on my own projects.

I barely have to do
anything if I don't want to.

Mmm, but it's lonely, right?

Hardly.

Wally, this week alone

I've received over 100
marriage proposals.

Boy, is my values
system all screwed up.

There it is, bars and all...

The big house.

Okay, next we'll hear from
Tino in shiv manufacturing.

Thank you.

I am pleased to report
that since we instituted

the battle recycling program,

the number of pointy objects

available to the
prison population

has tripled.

Good work.

Um, Bobby G., you're up.

I just prepared this memo
on the new production quotas.

As you can see,

all the inmates are
participating in the prison 401-K.

Considering the
average inmate's salary

is 18 cents a day,

at maturity, this amounts
to a retirement package

of approximately $34.

Well, let's see if we
can't supplement that

with some of the souvenir sales.

All right, is there
any new business?

I think we should
probably discuss the status

of the escape plan and
the progress of the tunnel.

All right.

Using two shifts round
the clock and a teaspoon,

we have dug
approximately... three feet.

At this rate of excavation,

we estimate the
tunnel will be completed

some time in the year 2125.

And when is the escape
currently scheduled?

Tuesday.

Okay.

I've done some calculations

along with a preliminary
geological survey and... Tony?

Shirt.

The bearing wall
is made of basalt.

Basalt is among the most
dense of igneous rocks.

Now, if we drop down
approximately 10 meters,

the composition of
the bordering wall

becomes limestone, a
very spoon-friendly material.

Now, I've drawn up
plans for an electric spoon,

but it's going to cost
four million candy bars.

Eh, no problem.

Did you know

that I'm the only
one in my bridge club

with a son on death row?

I'm sorry I'm such a
disappointment to you, Mom.

Disappointment?!

Everyone asks about
you; you're on the news.

I used to get blank stares

when I told people
you were an engineer,

but murderer, that
gets people's respect.

You could be a
little disappointed.

Let's see, "Bank
robbery, 10 to 15 years...

Kidnapping..."
ooh, "20 to life."

Not too shabby.

"Frotteurism:

"the crime of rubbing
up against people

in crowded public places."

When did they make that illegal?

Dogbert, always a pleasure.

Why don't you come to
the meetings anymore?

I'm not actually a member
of the supreme court.

Really?

Now I feel bad about letting
you write all those decisions.

I didn't mind.

What brings you in today?

I want you to
overturn the conviction

of a guilty murderer
named Dilbert.

If you don't mind, I'll
just write up your decision

and sign all your names to it.

Okay, but make
me sound indignant.

And throw something
in there about fairness.

Do you want a copy?

I don't see when
I'd ever read it.

Today, my friends,

marks the dawning of a new era.

Today, we proved

that with vigor,
discipline, and a little...

I guess it works.

What's your name?

Good Lord, man, what's
happened to you in there?

Okay, time to go, Dilbert.

But they're coming
back... aren't they?

Probably. The recidivism
rate is very high.

Did they ever
find the real killer?

Funny thing, right
after I got you off,

some lunatic
confessed to the crime.

You sure is good
at not being able

to hammer up them rocks at all.

I wasn't really expecting

this kind of an environment.

Ooh, are those the
conjugal visit trailers?

We's a team, you and me.

Got us a quota.

If'n we ain't meet
her by sundown,

we ain't getting no dinner!

So, you, uh, get a lot of marriage
proposals since you been here?

You hear me up, boy?

I ain't missing my shower day

account of your baby-butt
hands can't swing a pick!

Grab up that there
pick and bring her down!

Naw, that ain't gonna do her!

Here, let me show ya.

Hup-dah!

Now you're getting it!

I... think... my... shoulders...

are... dis... locating...

That's enough out of you.

By the power vested in me

by the state
correctional facility,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may now insert the gag.

Yello?

It's the governor.

The real killer confessed.

You've been pardoned.

Now we can start
a life together, Alice.

It's like a miracle!

You're innocent?

I'm having serious
second thoughts.

The governor wants
to speak to you.

Tell him to hold for one minute.

Oh, which one is
the hold button?