Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 3 - Art - full transcript

Ready?

Ready.

Ready.

Welcome to Painting
with Rusty Shanks.

Last week, I taught you
how to paint shrubbery

using your own head as a brush.

That was a good show.

Today, we'll take a ride

into the wild world of
modern abstract art.

Just paint, Rusty, don't talk.

Some people think
abstract art can't be taught.



I think that.

Let's say you wanted

to express an emotion

such as, oh, a
fear of caterpillars.

What color would you choose?

Orange.

Green.

Purple.

That's right.

It's our friend, taupe.

Taupe? Taupe?

How do you make taupe?

Rusty, you're killing me.

And what shape
works best with taupe?



Circle. Triangle.

Line.

If you said
octagon, you're right.

We'll represent the
octagon with a dot

and the color taupe

will be represented
by the color orange.

It's levels upon levels.

I don't get art.

Who decided a painting
of a bowl of fruit is art?

How long can you look

at the same bowl
of fruit anyway?

At least with the
actual fruit itself,

you can rearrange the
pieces once in a while.

You can eat it if you're hungry.

You can watch it rot.

But if all you have
is a painting of fruit,

your options are limited.

So you think the whole art scene

is just one big scam
to make money?

I'm beginning to wonder.

I'd better look into it.

You do that and report back.

Who are you?

Who let you in here?

What do you think you're doing?

We wish to
interrupt this program

in order to bring you
this special bulletin.

Art teacher Rusty
Shanks has disappeared.

No, I haven't! I'm right here!

This, coupled with his refusal

to repay certain
outstanding loans

has forced the cancellation of
The Painting With Rusty Show.

I can get the money! No! No!

We now return to Painting
without Rusty Shanks

already in progress.

They say you have
to suffer for your art.

I wonder if that's
what they meant.

It's critical

that we lead the effort

to integrate our
strategy process

and behavior-related
activities...

To facilitate our goal
of sustained, predictable

and high-margin profitability.

And we'll need to
revitalize our efforts toward

continuous quality improvement.

Wally, I'm trying to
communicate here!

Thanks for explaining that.

Is that what you call
that morass of verbiage?

Is that what you call it?

It sounds like the
rambling and babbling

of a nincompoop.

A buffoon staggering
down the street

in a stupor!

Good point, Asok.

Yes, it was communication,

and unless that newspaper

has an idea for
increasing our profits,

you'd better put it
down and listen to me.

This thing is full of
money-making ideas.

Here's a guy who
sued a big company

and made $25 million.

He sued us.

The product
directions clearly stated

"Do not use as waffle
maker and bicycle seat

at the same time."

Here's a story about a painting

that sold for $75 million,

and the buyer's
leaving it in the museum.

So he paid $75 million
and got nothing in return.

Oh, boy, now we're
on to something.

No, we're not.

Good work, Wally.

If only the others
could work at my level.

We'll need some sort
of competitive advantage

If we're going to
dominate the art industry.

We will also need art.

Dilbert would be
good at creating art.

No, I wouldn't.

Too late. The seed is planted.

It's true that
Dilbert is no Wally.

Everyone's trying to
worm themselves in my life.

But I don't know
anything about art.

Uh-uh! Save it for your
performance review.

But we're a technology
company, not an art company.

Engineers don't understand art.

We know what we like!

Don't we?

How hard could it be?

Art has rules just
like anything else.

If you can teach a
computer to play chess,

you can teach a computer
to make a painting.

Thank you for converting
an impossible assignment

into something
that will look like

a personal failing on my part.

Nicely done.

Not a day goes by when
I do not learn something.

Well, I know what I like!

You're right! I don't!

I'd better learn
something about art

pretty quickly.

Why don't you
come with me tonight

to an art appreciation
class at the museum?

It is hosted by
esteemed art expert

Sister Wanda Beaver.

What do nuns know about art?

You are laboring

under a false
stereotype of nuns.

For your information, they
cannot fly under their own power,

and the short ones are
rarely mistaken for penguins.

I'll try to be more open-minded.

In this sweeping
expression by Butah Norgon,

the artist uses color
to convey his message

of being trapped in a career
that was a huge mistake.

Forced to wear drab clothing,

forbidden to explore his
intense, smoldering urges.

In this floral treatment, we
can feel the artist's desire

to spring colorfully
from his container,

leaving behind his career
that was a huge, huge mistake.

Hmm. I'm also seeing
some smoldering urges

from the carnation.

You are the quick
learner, Mr. Dogbert.

The rendering is indeed
packed with erotic imagery.

What imagery?

Oh, it's there.

You can't spell
carnation without "carnal."

Actually, you can't spell
"carnation" with "carnal."

that would be "carnaltion."

But you can't spell
it without "car,"

and cars have back
seats, do they not?

Not in the 17th century
when that was painted.

Ow!

I still don't know

what makes one piece
of art better than another.

Hmm. Maybe you should
ask people what they like

and then put it
all in one painting.

Would that work?

I was right about the carnation.

When you're shopping
for a painting for the house,

what qualities are
you looking for?

I like looking at pictures
that have shootable animals.

Deer is good.

Sometimes I'm in
the mood for a duck.

Nature themes.

If the price is the same,

I like bigger ones.

"Big ones."

I like pictures of
things you can eat.

You should never buy
paintings on an empty stomach.

I like paintings
with a lot of blue.

That's my favorite color.

Yeah, blue.

Blue is good.

Yeah, I like that.

How many of you would
buy a painting of a blue duck?

How big is it?

It's big.

I could put a frame
around that shirt

and sell it in an art gallery.

No one wants a
stained shirt on their wall.

They'll want it if I
tell them they want it.

You can't tell
people what they like.

Oh, really?

Ratbert.

I'm going to hang dirty
laundry on the walls.

You want some for your room?

Why would I want that?

See?

I'm not going to
use Dilbert's laundry.

I'm going to buy
it in an art gallery.

It's framed, expensive
dirty laundry.

Can you get me a
sock for over my desk?

That's not fair.

How hard is it to
brainwash Ratbert?

Is that an insult?

No, it's a compliment.

Thank you.

My lucky shirt.

You have always been good to me.

Excuse me.

Do you own this establishment?

Are you a buyer
or just a looky-loo?

I am a third category...

"Outraged victim
of your laundromat."

Yeah, we get a lot of that.

Sounds like you need
some art to lighten you up.

How about this piece?

It's new.

Oh, my goodness! Those
are my underpanties!

It's blue, it's a duck.

In theory, it's art.

Print.

Hey, what's this?

Nice color.

And, if I'm not
mistaken, that's a duck.

Do you like it?

I'm going to hang
this on my cubicle wall.

Is that a duck?

That is so cute.
Where did you buy that?

I didn't buy it.

I'm stealing it from Dilbert.

Dilbert made this?

According to my
research, it's art.

Oh, my God. What's that
feeling in my stomach?

Is that a growing sense
of respect for Dilbert?

No, I just drank
a soda too fast.

But I do like the duck.

I like how it's
right in the middle.

Sometimes you see
a painting of a barn

and it's off in one corner.

It's magnificent!

I don't know whether
to eat it or shoot it.

Can you make it bigger?

I can make it any size you want.

Any size?

Whoa, Nellie!

Looks like we just hit payduck.

Thanks to the
artistic work of Dilbert

in the two weeks since

we introduced the
blue duck artwork,

we have captured...

99% of the art market.

I didn't know we were
competing against museums.

Competition? It's
more like a monopoly.

Apparently, the verdict is in.

No one wants to look at
crap when they can look at...

the blue duck.

Our only remaining threat
is from some joint in France

called "the louver."

Sometimes pronounced "lou-vrey."

They're holding on by a thread;

operating a furniture
reupholstering business

out of the gift shop.

I didn't mean to
destroy the art world.

He didn't mean to
destroy the art world.

Get him.

Well, you did.

And, I for one, salute you.

I have a bad feeling about
this blue duck phenomenon.

It might be a little
too successful.

Culture needs diversity.

Why don't you put
on a beret and starve?

Dilbert, the marketplace
makes no judgment.

The consumer has spoken.

Everyone loves that duck.

But if it's everywhere,

won't that rob it
of its uniqueness?

Do we have to shove it
down the public's throat

at every opportunity?

I really think we're
going to dilute its meaning

by overexposure.

Uh-oh.

Its "meaning"?

I can't believe I'm
seeing you in person.

You're the most
famous artist in the world.

I'm not an artist.
I'm an engineer.

Aw.

Phoo.

Okay, I am an artist.

Oh, I can't believe
I'm on a date

with the famous creator
of le canard de bleu.

The what?

The blue duck.

Oh, yes.

I hope my fame isn't the
only reason you like me.

Oh, don't get me wrong, Dilbert.

I don't like you personally.

I'm just into the whole scene.

What?

It's nothing personal.

How could that not be personal?

You just said you don't like me.

I don't like you the "person,"

but I love you the
"famous artist."

I'm beginning to
finally understand art.

Our boss wants to talk to you.

Could we get two iced teas?

You've been
killing the art racket.

Our boss don't like that.

I'd like a lemon wedge in mine.

Excuse me, I don't
believe we ordered this.

That's ours.

Oh, the new art piece I ordered

for the conference room.

Somebody sign for this?

I'll take it.

There you go.

That's your name?

What of it?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'll see you.

Oh, thank you.

I was having no small
difficulty breathing.

Asok?

Hello.

Don't talk to the art.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yeah, our nearly
total domination

of all worldwide markets.

How about the Amish?

Are they coming around?

They put up a fight,
but we wore them down.

I don't know about you,

but I'm starting to
worship this blue duck.

And you know what else?

We need a phone.

We got him, boss.

Here's the guys who's
been ruining our business.

Leave us.

Where am I?

I am Leonardo Da Vinci...

Head of the five
families of art.

I have two problems
with that answer.

One, it's not the
answer to "where,"

and two, I'm pretty sure
you died 500 years ago.

I invented the helicopter,
the tank, and the parachute

in the 1400s.

How hard do you think
it was for me to invent

the fountain of youth?

I see your point.

You know, you were
always a great hero of mine.

Is that so?

Oh, yes.

I've tried to model
my career after yours.

Engineer, inventor, artist...

No, no, no, those
are all sidelines.

I am, at heart, a businessman.

Come here.

For hundreds of
years, the five families

have run the
organized art rackets.

The Renaissance boys...

the Impressionists...

the Abstracts...

the Surrealists...

and the Postmodernists.

It all makes sense now.

You're the ones who
decide which paintings

are worth $50 million

and which ones are
put on decorative plates.

Until you came along

with your vapid blue duck.

You put a crimp in our business.

Unfortunately, it would
be imprudent for us

to allow that
situation to continue.

It's too late to stop it now.

The blue duck is everywhere.

There is only one thing
that can kill great art...

The taint of uncoolness.

Beg your pardon. Sorry.

Oh, gangway.

Sit down!

Watch out, big load.

Ow! Ow! Get off of me!

That will clean right up
with a little seltzer water.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

You have huge feet for a woman.

Here we go.

Whoa, we got a babe
shot on camera two.

Okay, go to camera two.

Did you see that?

Whoo!

Blue ducks rule!

Ew! Ew! Ew!

Ew! Ew! Ew!

Hot stuff.

I still want a phone.

We don't know why,

but sales of the
blue duck product line

have taken a plunge.

Art can be so unpredictable.

For some reason, the blue
duck is no longer "cool."

Traditional
paintings are selling

for millions of dollars again.

It's a crime.

It's as if the art
world were organized.

So, Dilbert, what do
you have for us next?

Next? I hadn't really
given it much thought.

That's what I thought.

Pay up.

So, anyway, the
marketing department

has come up with a spin-off
of the blue duck concept

that they call...

the light blue duck.

But we already know the
public doesn't want that.

You're confusing
the light blue duck

with the regular blue duck.

Not to worry, it's a
common mistake.

But don't you see,
that's the point.

They're the same thing.

Dilbert, the key to marketing

is doing whatever you did before

even when you
know it won't work.

That way, no one tries
to second-guess you.

But is that the key to art?

Is it just a popularity contest,

or is it the transmission
of one soul's

innermost essence to another?

Art is meant to be an
unconstrained expression

of the inexpressible.

It's our way of telling
each other things we feel

but are unable
to put into words.

It is ultimately

the only real way of
sharing who we really are

with the rest of the world.

Sorry, I lost you after "but."

You've got some nerve
talking to us that way.

Is that Dilbert
speaking or his "muse"?

What's the difference?

If it's you, I can
belittle and ridicule you.

If it's your muse...

I'll have to look it up and
see what it actually means.

It's my muse.

Damn.

I guess I just don't get it.

It's all about branding.

Do people really
know good from bad?

Of course not,

but they know
Picasso's signature.

If he was around today,
he'd be making underwear too.

But is that art?

Isn't art supposed
to be something

that satisfies some
yearning for truth and beauty?

Not anymore.

Once a soup can became art,

all the rules went
out the window.

It's not the art, it's the logo.

Like these socks.

Well, I guess somehow
that's a disappointment to me.

I'd hoped the mystery
of art would reveal itself.

Perhaps it will.

Those t-shirts reveal
the mystery of truth

and beauty themselves.

As undergarments for our soul,

they express our deep longing

for tactile stimulation

hidden beneath
our starched collars

and coarse fabrics.