Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 17 - Ethics - full transcript

You may have heard
that our company

has been accused of
unethical business practices.

Is it because of the
falsified product-safety tests?

Is it because of the false
stories planted in the media

about our competitors?

Is it because of our
crime family connections?

What? Are you saying
those things are unethical too?

Good God! This thing
is just snowballing.

Now, where was I?

Seven years ago...

During the summer...



Aw, the heck with it.

Senior management has
decided to confront this head-on

and deal with the
ethics problem directly.

They're surrendering
to the authorities?

One might think that,
but one would be wrong.

No. They're sending
all employees

to mandatory ethics
training classes.

Including managers
such as yourself, correct?

[CHUCKLING] No... Asok.

That wouldn't be very
managerial, would it?

DILBERT: Correct
me if I'm wrong,

but hasn't every ethics
violation in this company

been perpetrated by managers?

Yes, but the point is,
managers are far too important



to waste their valuable
time taking worthless classes.

That's what
subordinates are for.

That and dating.

Please don't date me!

I promise I'll work harder!

Your new masseuse is here.

She wants to know
how you'll be paying.

Paying? Did you explain to her

that she gets to
touch my naked back?

For some reason,
that wasn't enough.

Who needs her?

Tell her to put an egg
in her shoe and beat it,

if you don't mind.

Not at all.

And the following mumbling
is not necessarily about you.

[MUMBLING] Ignorant,
pompous horse's ass.

Must be problems at home.

Are we done here?

I think we're done.

Hmm. I wonder what made
them so hurried all of a sudden.

[GROANING] Asok...

Meet me in my office...

and bring fresh towels.

Oh... oh, my...

This is so not in
my job description.

I don't think I can possibly...

Stop whining and
start slathering.

[EXPLOSION]

[♪♪♪]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Okay, let's go around the room,

and each of you can explain

what you hope to
get out of this class.

We'll start with you...

"I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally."

Is that your real name?

It's Egyptian.

Okay. So, what do you
want to get from this class,

I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally?

I already got it. Thanks.

My personal goal
for ethics training

is to learn the cultural
underpinnings of morality

with special emphasis on
pragmatism versus divine will.

How about if I teach
you not to steal?

That would be good too.

Loud Howard...

If a co-worker confided
something very personal to you,

could you keep it quiet?

Yes!

This class is pointless.

We're not the ones
with the ethics problems.

Speak for yourself.

We're engineers.

We have integrity,
and that's not for sale.

But it is for rent.

Excuse me,

I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally.

Consider yourself excused.

BOSS: There sure is
a lot of weather today

all up there in the sky.

[CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING]

Yeah, it was a lot
like that yesterday.

Oh, he's right. What's
up with that weather?

Every day there.

Did anyone watch a
sports event this weekend?

Oh, I'll say. Sports...
wouldn't miss sports.

Not a Sunday without it.

Who was playing?

That's not important.

It only matters

that the participants
supported each other as a team.

You men aren't at
all what I expected.

I feel like the glass ceiling
for women executives like me

is finally broken.

I mean, here I am,

networking with other
executives on the golf course,

privy to all your
private conversations.

Uh, we're all about nurturing.

And diversity.

There goes your ball.

It keeps doing that.

Watch out for the
turtles. They're poisonous.

Did we decide whose company

wins the government
bid this time?

My company got the
flying submarine deal.

I believe your company
wins the next bid, Edmund.

WOMAN: Ow!

No, no, we won the bid

for the invisible
troop carriers.

Well, then who's going to bid

for the national Internet
voting network contract?

For the good of the
oligarchy, we will.

Good man. Good man.

WOMAN: Ow!

Is it the high bid or
the low bid that wins?

That part makes my head spin.

What were you talking about?

What did I miss?

Does anyone else think
taxes are too darn high?

Yes. Bring them down. Whoa-ho...

BOSS: Don't you know it.

I'm pleased to announce
that we have won the bid

to build the government's
next super-project:

the Internet voting network.

I thought the bids were
being submitted tomorrow.

Yes, but none of
our conference rooms

are available tomorrow,

so I'm telling you
the results today.

What's the Internet
voting network?

It's a concept for letting
people vote over the Internet

in national elections.

Dilbert, you seem
to know the most

about the Internet
voting network,

so you're the project leader.

What? That's all I know,

and now that I said it,

everyone in this room
knows as much as I do.

I tuned you out
right after the part

where you started talking.

What's the Internet
voting network?

This might sound crazy, but
after careful consideration,

I'm actually happy for a change

to be assigned a
project against my will.

The Internet voting network

will double voter participation.

I'm going to make
democracy work.

It's an awesome responsibility.

Let me know when
you get it working.

I always wondered what
it would be like to vote.

You mean you've never voted?

It's too much of a hassle.

But if I didn't have to drive...

Look! You're encouraging
morons to vote.

That can't possibly be good.

You can't use Wally

as a typical
example of humanity.

I'm special.

Take Loud Howard.

He's more typical
of the average voter.

Yes! I always vote
for the tallest guy!

The tall ones are better!

Dilbert, do you realize

that you could build a
back door into the system

and manipulate
the voting results

for your own evil purposes
without ever being detected?

Wow, you could make a fortune
from special interest groups.

Did you learn nothing
in ethics class?

I tried, but you covered
your test with your hand.

One could make a fortune
from special interest groups,

but it would be unethical,
and more importantly,

it would destroy the integrity
of our democratic system.

I would never sell out
my country for money.

Besides, I have all
the money I need.

MAN: $900,000...

A million.

Next.

It's a public school class!

As you can see, class,
Congress is in session.

And furthermore,
television violence is bad...

Where's the gift shop?

They got a bathroom in here?

Can I use my cell phone?

I just got paged.

Shut up!

You kids are the leaders
of tomorrow, right?

Uh-huh. Yes, sir.

Here's a little something

to remind you who
your friends are.

[GASPS]

Oh...

This is private
enemy number one.

He goes by the name Dilbert.

He's in charge of building
the Internet voting network.

We have learned he is immune
to monetary inducements.

[ALL GASPING]

His Internet voting network

is a threat to all
our special interests.

We must find a way to
influence him without money.

Without money?

What else is there?

Use your creativity.

There must be some other
way to get him in our pocket.

I have an idea.

No, wait. You said no money.

BOSS: Keep it
coming, keep it coming.

Give me some more
of that mean green.

You just say the word,

and I'll assassinate
anyone you want.

You clearly have no scruples.

You golden-tongued sweet talker.

You're making me blush.

But your employee Dilbert
seems immune to our inducements.

He must have a
weakness. Everyone does.

He does have one weakness,

if you know what I
mean, wink, wink.

Ah. Yes.

The one thing.

Thank you.

I hope he was thinking
"free T-shirt" too.

[GASPS]

Fire! Fire!

Hurry, there's a fire upstairs.

Something's smoking,
but it's not a fire.

[CHUCKLING]

You have a visitor upstairs
in the smoking lounge.

We don't have a smoking lounge.

We do now.

Hey, where did all this
new furniture come from?

And that TV?

We accepted them
as gifts on your behalf.

You shouldn't have
accepted these gifts.

They're from lobbyists
trying to corrupt me.

How are they doing?

Not very well.

Amateurs.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, handsome.

My name's Ashley.

This is a smoke-free house.

Maybe you'd like to take
me someplace that isn't.

I'd better not.

I just had my car cleaned.

I've been authorized
to do whatever it takes

to make you a friend of tobacco.

Whatever it takes?

Anything.

Well...

Okay.

I'd like you to quit smoking.

What?

It's for your own good.

I can't do that.

I'm addicted.

You... It's an illness.

You can't just quit like that.

You said anything.

You don't understand.

I need to do this right
away or I'll get fired.

I mean, because
I'm all fired up.

When was the last time
you brushed your teeth?

Look at me. I'm perfect,
except for one little bad habit.

Get over it.

Do you think you'd
ever sacrifice your ethics

and rig the election just
to date a woman like that?

I would never sell out
our Founding Fathers.

Tell the truth.

I admit that, in theory,

there is some level of
hormonal excitement

that could,

in some conceivable
circumstance in the hypothetical,

exceed the threshold
of my ethical self-control.

What if the woman
actually liked you?

Let's hope that never happens.

I almost found a
woman who likes me.

How did you know?

Well, technically, she
was a tobacco lobbyist

who was leading me on

so she could get illegal access

to my Internet voting network.

Close enough.

That's my thinking.

Did you use the old
familiarity technique?

I didn't have a chance.

What's the old
familiarity technique?

It involves spending so
much time with a woman

that she gets
used to your faults.

It's like falling in love,
but without the expense.

If I could have made
this tobacco lobbyist

spend enough time with me...

While she was using you...

then maybe, just maybe,
the inertia would carry her

beyond the point of being
repulsed by my personality.

Then one day, if she breaks up

with a socially
functional boyfriend,

she might be too emotionally
crippled to date again,

and there Dilbert will be.

Why don't you just date a woman

who respects you
in the first place?

You can do that?

I see your point.

Dilbert, we need to talk
about extending the deadline

of your Internet voting project.

If I extend it, we'll
miss the election.

And I'll get a new summer home.

Everyone wins.

You're ordering me to
sabotage my own project?

It wouldn't be the first time,

but it might be the first
time I knew I was doing it.

If I do that, the
special interests win.

The integrity of our
democratic process

will be violated.

Our Founding Fathers
would spin in their graves.

Spinning, you say?

We'll strap magnets to them

and use them to
generate electricity

if it makes you feel any
better. It's clean power.

You can't make me do this.

It's wrong.

There is nothing, nothing
that will change my mind.

How unethical
would it be, really,

to help a tobacco lobbyist
rig a national election

just so she'll like me?

Are we talking the
ethics of pragmatism

or divine will?

Let's pretend it's
the same thing.

We need some expert help.

How did you get
Ben Franklin's body?

You'd be surprised
what people throw out.

It's a little too late
for him to help us.

Maybe not.

I saw this in an infomercial.

I've been dying to try it.

It says it removes
carpet stains too,

but I have my doubts.

[SNEEZES]

[COUGHING]

Can anyone give me an
update on my inventions?

Well, electricity is doing fine.

Hah! That was a good one.

How about the post office?

Did it become the model
of efficiency I envisioned?

Well, to be honest,
a stamp costs

more than you paid
for your first horse.

You can stand
in line for an hour,

then find out you're
in the wrong line.

The expression "going postal"

refers to someone

losing their mind, going crazy,

and opening fire

on large groups
of innocent people.

[GRUNTING]

Nice work.

I killed Ben Franklin.

Keep your shirt on.

I have no intention
of taking it off.

You make it hard for
people to help you.

Sorry.

Let's increase the dosage.

Ah. Bleah.

Thank you again, but frankly...

Eh, get it? Frankly?

Frank-lin, frank-ly.

[LAUGHS]

Gee, that killed at the
Continental Congress.

Was there some reason
you keep bringing me back?

I have an ethical question

about our democratic system.

Ah, yes, by now, I
suppose you've figured out

it was all a big joke.

What?

He doesn't know.

Never mind.

My dilemma is this:

We have this new
thing called the Internet.

Internet. Yes.

Yes, a global
telecommunications network

built on the TCP/IP standard.

Saw it coming.

You did not.

Yes, I did.

How could you?

I'm a Founding
Father, you little punk!

You want to start with me?!

All right, all right.

Anyway, I have a chance
to make a woman like me

if I use the Internet
to rig the next election.

Would that be wrong?

Hmm. Sounds okay to me.

Really?

Sure. The average voter

can't find his bunghole
with both hands.

You don't want to leave
it up to them, do you?

I thought maybe I did.

Well, think again.

If we're done here,

I'm really hungry.

I should have got the 12-pack.

One Internet voting network
completely programmed, ready

and free of outside
interference.

So you decided to
stick to your ethical guns,

knowing that it would cost you
the love of a beautiful woman.

Does it give you
newfound respect for me?

[LAUGHING]

Ah, no.

I'm having an
election night party!

I hope you can make it!

"Chug-n-vote...

"Come enjoy hard liquor

before voting from mi casa."

Thanks to your
Internet voting network,

no one will ever have
to vote thirsty again!

Loud Howard, I don't
think it's a good idea

to mix alcohol with voting.

Since when?

I mean, how are you
going to understand

an issue like, say,
monetary policy

if you're drunk?

I don't understand it now!

Do you?

No.

Bring an appetizer!

Yaaaay!

Hey, everybody!

The polls are open!

[CHEERING]

To democracy!

[ALL SLURRING] Democracy!

Hey, look at me!

I'm voting and I'm
not even a citizen!

One more of these, and
I'm in the Green Party.

Tell me, am I for or
against nuculur perifilation?

I have to say,

this isn't the proudest
moment of my career.

Is that the knob for
Republican or Democrat?

Hurry up, Foster.

The polls close in 30 seconds.

[BEEPING]

Oh, fiddlesticks.

I just voted for
someone named McGee.

FRANKLIN: It's been so long

since I attended a meeting
of the secret ruling class.

Do you still handle
elections the same way?

The old ways are still the best.

Well, the votes
have been counted.

The people have spoken.

Our new president is...

Hairy-ass McGee.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So, seriously...

who do we make president?

She said she might call.

Do you think underneath
her smoke-stained exterior

beat a heart of gold?

If by "heart of gold" you
mean "lungs of charcoal,"

then yes.

I admit I was tempted to
destroy the democratic process

to gain the love of a woman.

Love?

Not real love,

but at least

the kind that gives you
false hope for a few days.

I like false hope.

Maybe she lost your number.

Maybe she did.

MAN: No one leaves
The Tobacco Institute.

[COUGHING]

Since I quit smoking,

I don't feel right about
working here anymore.

You quit smoking?

You can't.

[COUGHING]

Good Lord, Martin,
you coughed out a lung.

Now, can you push that back in?

[COUGHING, CHOKING]

I met a man who convinced
me to follow another path.

I'm going to call him tonight.

I said, no one leaves
The Tobacco Institute.

Hey. Wait.

You can't do this.

Let me go.

Excuse me. Hello?

Hola. Where's the ladies room?

Does anyone have any sunscreen?

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
y en otras noticias,

el president americano
Hairy-ass McGee,

que se parece mucho
a Benjamin Franklin,

cayo desde una
altura de 30,000 pies

sobre un camión recolector
de basura después de abrir

una de las ventanas

del avión presidencial
Air Force One.

Los médicos dijeron
que no sufrió heridas.