Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Virtual Employee - full transcript
When Dilbert learns of all the bureaucratic red tape involving disposal of obsolete equipment, he, Alice, Wally, Asok, and Loud Howard become desperate to find a place to store theirs. A chat with Young Zeke Who Takes Really Bad Care of Himself reveals that there is an empty cubicle. But when Catbert, the evil director of Human Resources, catches wind of what they're doing, they are forced to create a virtual employee, Todd, who becomes a huge success in the company.
How did I end up with all
this obsolete equipment?
It seems to multiply.
Eh, eh, eh!
Not in the recycling container!
Recycling container?
I thought it was my garbage can.
No, it's a recycling container.
No obsolete equipment.
No food. No toenail clippings.
No dead animals.
I'm probably
forgetting a few things.
Well, fine.
How do I throw away
my obsolete equipment?
There's a phone number you call.
They come and take it away.
What's the phone number?
I wouldn't know.
Who's "they"?
My area of expertise is limited
to what you can't
put in the can,
plus the certain knowledge
that a phone number
of some sort exists.
Your new computer just arrived.
Everything you owned
this morning is junk.
Thank you, Asok.
And here's a modem
for your troubles.
What can I do with
a 2400 bps modem?
You can try to throw it away,
but you need to know
a secret phone number.
I think it has a nine in it.
So you have seen
the secret number?
No, but a lot of your
unknown phone numbers
have nines in them.
I read that.
Ow!
What if I take some
of this old stuff home
and throw it away from there?
That would be stealing
from the company!
How can you steal garbage?
You could tuck it in your pants.
Obsolete equipment
isn't officially garbage
until you call that phone number
and they take it off our books!
I hear everyone is dumping
their obsolete
equipment in here.
Who told you that?
They didn't give me their names.
Why can't you be
more like Wally?
He's a problem solver.
If we can't figure out how
to throw anything away,
we're doomed to suffocate
here in our own waste.
I'm afraid of
suffocating in waste!
Well, get over it.
Things are only
going to get worse,
until we're so cramped, we
can't possibly do any work.
You don't do any work now.
But I depend on other
people to be working.
It's like a delicate
ecosystem...
You can't have all
rabbits or all foxes.
You need some of both.
And to think I immigrated here
for the wide-open
spaces alluded to
in folk songs and
travel brochures.
Never have I felt so betrayed.
Somewhere in the
uncharted depths
of this almost criminally
mismanaged company
there's got to be
some extra space.
Just one unoccupied cubicle
where we can store
our non-disposables,
and I'm going to find it.
It's Old Zeke.
Actually, that's Young Zeke
who takes really
bad care of himself.
Excuse me.
Can I talk now?
Yes! Of course.
Excuse us. So sorry.
They tell a story
in the men's room
of an unused cubicle.
Empty, glistening, pristine.
It shines under the
fluorescent lights
like a beacon of hope
to those seeking
extra storage space.
You are crazy,
young man who takes
really bad care of himself.
That is crazy talk.
Crazy, am I, intern?
Well, grab your
crap and follow me.
Oh... Why did I do that?
I guess I am crazy after all.
Crazy and... unable to walk.
Good call.
According to the floor plan,
it looks like there could
be an unused cubicle
just around the next bend.
Look!
Could it be?
Zeke was right.
The legends of the
empty cubicle are true!
It's pristine.
This baby has never been used.
And it's all ours.
I claim this cubicle
for engineering.
Hey, wait a minute.
We've gone in a circle.
How could you not know
there was an empty
cubicle right next to you?
I never had a reason
to go in that direction.
The important thing is that
we found an empty cubicle!
Shush! Keep it down!
Be quiet.
If he is not silenced,
the secret of this precious
cube will be revealed.
I must sacrifice myself.
Hey, kids, what's all
the noisilation about?
Dilbish, nice tie.
Howard, nice, uh,
intern in your face.
Ooh, what's this,
a vacant cubicle?
No. No! Uh-uh.
Marketing could
sure use the space
for, uh, marketing stuff.
It's ours!
You know the rules.
Empty cubicles are up for grabs.
It's not empty.
It belongs to,
uh... the new guy.
His name is, uh...
Todd.
And he's a new guy.
Which explains why
he's not here yet.
Uh, being new and all.
I haven't heard
about this Todd fellow.
He's an unbelievable guy.
Totally unreal.
No one has ever disliked him!
Oh, right, right.
Todd.
T-O-D-D.
Your enunciation
leaves a lot to be desired.
I thought you said "Todd."
We did.
If you had said
"Todd" in the first place,
we wouldn't be having
this conversation.
I apologize for our oversight.
Todd. Old Todd.
Good old Toddy. Toddo.
Great guy. Love Todd.
You tell Todd I
dropped by to say hey.
Oh, we will.
Oh, that was close.
My upper lip is moist
with perspiration.
Well, nice work, everybody.
Where did you come
up with the name Todd?
From my mind, where I come up
with everything I think and say.
Well, that's the last load
of my obsolete equipment.
It looks just like
someone works here.
I had a name plate made.
Very nice!
Is Todd in there?
Todd! Todd!
Where the heck
are you, you devil?
Everyone in marketing
is talking about him.
I hear he's amazing.
I just had to meet
him in person.
Todd is away...
on important business.
That figures.
While you two are
lollygagging around,
Todd's having important meetings
with important people.
I don't know how he does it all.
Oh, my, Todd.
Look at all this.
The man must be some
sort of engineering genius.
Why can't you two
have this much
equipment in your cubicles?
It's not really the quantity of
the equipment that matters.
Yes, yes, you're right.
Todd does seem to have
those other intangible
qualities as well...
The kind that make
women love him
and men wish they were women.
Although, I confess,
I've wished that long before
Todd burst on the scene.
He's quite the miracle worker.
Yes, so I'm told.
So I'm told.
Straw into gold,
take your firstborn,
that sort of thing.
Uh-oh, wait a
second. Hold the wire.
That's Rumpelstiltskin,
little dwarf bastard.
We have work to do.
Right! I'll see you two
at the project meeting.
Do you think anything
bad can happen from this?
I don't see how.
And on that, I think
we're all in agreement.
On what?
Haven't you been
paying attention?
Paying attention?
You just walked in
here, sat down, and said.
"And on that, I think
we're all in agreement."
You're saying you don't agree?
It's a difficult point to argue.
Well, you should all thank Todd
I don't fire you
all on the spot.
As the new project head,
it'll be his responsibility to
deal with you dunderheads.
What?
You're letting Todd
head the project?
He's Todd.
You have a problem with that?
Yes.
Looks like I've put
the fear of Todd in
you now, haven't I?
Great.
Now Todd is our project leader.
That means we have to do
his work plus our own work.
Plus my work.
Plus Wally's work, as usual.
That's a lot of work.
But if we reveal
Todd's nonexistence,
we lose our spare cubicle.
There's no way out.
What would Todd do
in a situation like this?
There is no Todd!
We made him up.
I'm not so sure.
He has a cubicle and a job.
That's all I have and I exist.
You don't exist.
I'm probably a bad example.
You'll just have to wait.
Todd gave us a six-hour
lunch break today.
He's allowed...
He's project head.
It's in Todd's hands now.
Uh-oh.
This could only mean one thing.
Mr. Catbert, director
of human resources,
what brings you
out of your lair?
I understand you've
been praising Todd.
You could say that.
His personnel folder
is curiously empty...
No photo, no work history.
Hmm. Very, very suspicious.
Uh, Todd works
in mysterious ways.
He won't work at all
if his file doesn't
turn up soon.
You see, I don't
believe in Todd.
You take that back.
There is no Todd.
Todd exists only in your minds.
Where's your Todd now?
Hmm?
We need to give Todd a history
and throw Catbert off the scent.
I'm into the personnel database.
"Create new employee record."
We need a picture of him.
Why don't we make a composite?
Good idea.
I'll morph our pictures and
make Todd in our image.
Oh, no!
We have seen the face of Todd.
And he is us.
According to your records,
every one of your
employees is rated "good."
To be honest, I can't
tell them apart most days.
Hmm.
Doesn't that crush
their motivation
and eliminate
their will to live?
They do walk around with
their shoulders drooped,
but I assumed they
weren't drinking enough milk.
Well, that's all well and good,
but we can have more
fun with them than that.
We can?
We can punish them arbitrarily.
We can do that?
We can if we make
it look like a policy.
The new policy is
that all work groups
must have a proper distribution
of performance ratings.
At least 20% of your employees
must be ranked
in the lowest rating.
You mean... unsatisfactory?
Lower.
Incompetent?
Lower, lower.
You... mean...
Exactly.
If the beloved Todd
is rated highest,
followed by Dilbert and Alice...
well, I think you
see where I'm going.
Can you give me a hint?
Wally, I had to lower
your performance rating
from a solid "good"
to our lowest rating,
which is "retard."
Retard?
I know, it sounds harsh,
perhaps even
"politically incorrect,"
But our new policy is to
have a normal distribution
of performance reviews,
and with Todd
taking the top spot,
well, it just wrecked the
curve for the rest of you.
I guess I'll get used to it.
You will.
But you'll do it somewhere else.
It's company policy
that I fire anyone
who is at the lowest rating.
The strange thing is that
I suddenly feel motivated.
Run along.
This is the greatest injustice
there could ever be.
Yes, sirree, Bob.
We'll keep in touch.
We will?
No.
I just say it to reduce
the awkwardness.
Well, so long.
I'm a free man.
This isn't right.
If we hadn't created Todd,
Wally would still have his job
and we wouldn't have to be doing
Todd's work plus our own.
Todd must die.
We will kill Todd so dead
that no one will ever know
he existed in the first place.
I'm not usually in
favor of killing people,
but this does seem justified.
How do we kill someone
who doesn't exist?
Indirectly...
We'll ruin his reputation.
Todd is about to become
the most incompetent
project leader
in the history of the world.
Send an e-mail in Todd's name
to all employees.
Very good.
What's the worst
product idea in the world?
How about that
Face-lift In A Can product
we introduced
about five years ago?
The one that shrunk your head
to the size of a grapefruit.
Perfect.
Todd is going to suggest
reintroducing
Face-lift In A Can.
His reputation will
surely be ruined.
E-mail from Todd.
Face-lift In A Can?
That just might work.
Try it, dude.
If you don't, you're a loser.
Can't we just get
something pierced
like an eyebrow or something?
What if it makes my head
tiny for the rest of my life?
Shaa!
Piercing is so passé.
Shrunken heads is in.
Do me first.
Cool. Cool.
Okay, do me.
All right. Yeah.
Lookin' fine.
It's unbelievable.
Just unbelievable.
I'm dumbfounded.
And flummoxed.
And...
Thursday.
Well, I guess that's
the end of Todd.
Yep, or it would be,
if it wasn't for the fact
that it's the biggest success
the company's ever had.
What?
Would anyone like to
join me in praising Todd?
Face-lift In A Can is
our new flagship product.
We have a hundred-percent
market share
in first-week sales
of one billion dollars,
which, I have it
on good authority,
is more than a million
and less than a skillion.
Oh, no. That can't be right.
Apparently, head shrinking
is the new "in" thing
kids enjoy doing to themselves
to shock their parents.
Now, I want you to get
cracking on a follow-up:
Amputation In A Jar.
Maybe this is a
good time to tell you
we were responsible
for Face-lift In A Can.
Todd had nothing to do with it.
How dare you?
This is Todd's work.
Why, if I was 30 pounds lighter
and 30 years younger
and 30% stronger
and, uh, uh... 30 times taller,
I'd pop you one!
Now, you all ought to get up
and march into
Todd's cubicle and beg,
yes, beg...
grovel for Todd's forgiveness.
I'll be in my office
doing some very important
high-level breathing.
Don't answer it.
But I can't stand
a ringing phone!
Deal with it, Howard.
This is the only way.
If we don't answer
his phone or his e-mail,
if we don't reschedule
his appointments
and stop juggling his calendar,
if we don't do any of
his errands or his work,
then Todd will return
to the nothingness
from which he came.
It may mean losing the cubicle.
It's a small price
to pay for our sanity.
Why are you all
loitering in Todd's cube?
We were just...
waiting for him to return.
Well, when he does,
tell him to pack his stuff.
Why? Is he fired?
No, no.
I should say not.
He's getting a corner office.
An office?
I've been at this lousy
company for 10 years,
and I'm still in a cubicle,
and he gets a corner office?
That's it. It's over.
How can I put this delicately?
Todd is dead.
Before you go on,
let me thank you
for putting that so delicately.
It was really quite thoughtful.
Todd never was.
He isn't! He never will be!
He never existed.
We created Todd
in our own image.
We made him, and
now we've destroyed him.
Are you done?
Yes.
Good. That's the confession
I was waiting to hear.
Take them away, boys!
These are them what killed Todd.
It's all a big mistake!
There is no Todd!
Oh, my next correspondence
to Mama and Papa
will certainly be a tale of woe.
Tell us what happened
and we'll recommend
a light sentence.
Nice try, but I
happen to understand
a little thing called "the
prisoner's dilemma."
Is that so?
You have no physical
evidence of a crime,
so you can only convict us
if one of us rats
out the others,
and since we're all
aware of that fact,
no one will rat out anyone
and we'll be free in
a matter of minutes.
It was all Dilbert.
I told him not to
chop the body up,
but he insisted.
He said that's how he
gets rid of all his victims.
Oh, hi, Dilbert.
Alice!
He has always been evil.
I felt it.
But I never knew how evil
until he would not
stop plunging that fork
into Todd's body.
I stopped counting at 100.
Oh, God.
Hello, Dilbert.
Asok!
May I have that
ice cream sandwich
you promised me now?
Look, we've got
enough on you right now
to put you away for
the rest of your life,
plus 30 years.
Plus 30 years?
That doesn't make any sense.
Why not give me life
plus a thousand years?
Keep pushing.
This can't be happening.
All I wanted was some
extra cubicle space.
That's all I wanted.
Hello?
Yes, this is Todd.
Todd? How do we know it's Todd.
How do we know
this is not an act?
An act of Todd?
Is Todd's word not
good enough for you?
Sorry.
Now, listen carefully.
I'm working on a top-secret
project for the government.
All I can say is it, uh,
has something to do
with the government,
and... it's a secret.
But you're alive...
Alive and well?
Do I sound dead to you?
Unenthusiastic, maybe.
Flat, affectless, but not dead.
Precisely.
Now, I've got to go.
I've got to go do
something with this, uh...
secret government thing.
I understand. Good luck.
Yeah, whatever.
You lucked out, Judas.
Dilbert.
You're free to go.
And you can thank Todd.
Oh, I will.
I will.
How'd I do?
Not well, but it doesn't matter.
People want to
believe Todd exists.
So anything you say
in the name of Todd
people will tend to buy.
You see, you can play Todd,
but you still can't
play Dogbert.
Amen.
Well, back to work.
Maybe I'll try a limp.
You realize Todd's
now a billionaire.
And a Nobel prize winner.
Don't forget the
special law they passed
that allows him
to be a bigamist.
Now, that was a coup.
I understand, after
he saves the rain forest
and all the endangered species
and feeds the starving,
he's coming back
to town and opening
an actually fair-priced
electronics store.
Get out of here.
That's Todd's word, not mine.
I just saw Todd!
You're just drunk.
That's just what Todd would say.
this obsolete equipment?
It seems to multiply.
Eh, eh, eh!
Not in the recycling container!
Recycling container?
I thought it was my garbage can.
No, it's a recycling container.
No obsolete equipment.
No food. No toenail clippings.
No dead animals.
I'm probably
forgetting a few things.
Well, fine.
How do I throw away
my obsolete equipment?
There's a phone number you call.
They come and take it away.
What's the phone number?
I wouldn't know.
Who's "they"?
My area of expertise is limited
to what you can't
put in the can,
plus the certain knowledge
that a phone number
of some sort exists.
Your new computer just arrived.
Everything you owned
this morning is junk.
Thank you, Asok.
And here's a modem
for your troubles.
What can I do with
a 2400 bps modem?
You can try to throw it away,
but you need to know
a secret phone number.
I think it has a nine in it.
So you have seen
the secret number?
No, but a lot of your
unknown phone numbers
have nines in them.
I read that.
Ow!
What if I take some
of this old stuff home
and throw it away from there?
That would be stealing
from the company!
How can you steal garbage?
You could tuck it in your pants.
Obsolete equipment
isn't officially garbage
until you call that phone number
and they take it off our books!
I hear everyone is dumping
their obsolete
equipment in here.
Who told you that?
They didn't give me their names.
Why can't you be
more like Wally?
He's a problem solver.
If we can't figure out how
to throw anything away,
we're doomed to suffocate
here in our own waste.
I'm afraid of
suffocating in waste!
Well, get over it.
Things are only
going to get worse,
until we're so cramped, we
can't possibly do any work.
You don't do any work now.
But I depend on other
people to be working.
It's like a delicate
ecosystem...
You can't have all
rabbits or all foxes.
You need some of both.
And to think I immigrated here
for the wide-open
spaces alluded to
in folk songs and
travel brochures.
Never have I felt so betrayed.
Somewhere in the
uncharted depths
of this almost criminally
mismanaged company
there's got to be
some extra space.
Just one unoccupied cubicle
where we can store
our non-disposables,
and I'm going to find it.
It's Old Zeke.
Actually, that's Young Zeke
who takes really
bad care of himself.
Excuse me.
Can I talk now?
Yes! Of course.
Excuse us. So sorry.
They tell a story
in the men's room
of an unused cubicle.
Empty, glistening, pristine.
It shines under the
fluorescent lights
like a beacon of hope
to those seeking
extra storage space.
You are crazy,
young man who takes
really bad care of himself.
That is crazy talk.
Crazy, am I, intern?
Well, grab your
crap and follow me.
Oh... Why did I do that?
I guess I am crazy after all.
Crazy and... unable to walk.
Good call.
According to the floor plan,
it looks like there could
be an unused cubicle
just around the next bend.
Look!
Could it be?
Zeke was right.
The legends of the
empty cubicle are true!
It's pristine.
This baby has never been used.
And it's all ours.
I claim this cubicle
for engineering.
Hey, wait a minute.
We've gone in a circle.
How could you not know
there was an empty
cubicle right next to you?
I never had a reason
to go in that direction.
The important thing is that
we found an empty cubicle!
Shush! Keep it down!
Be quiet.
If he is not silenced,
the secret of this precious
cube will be revealed.
I must sacrifice myself.
Hey, kids, what's all
the noisilation about?
Dilbish, nice tie.
Howard, nice, uh,
intern in your face.
Ooh, what's this,
a vacant cubicle?
No. No! Uh-uh.
Marketing could
sure use the space
for, uh, marketing stuff.
It's ours!
You know the rules.
Empty cubicles are up for grabs.
It's not empty.
It belongs to,
uh... the new guy.
His name is, uh...
Todd.
And he's a new guy.
Which explains why
he's not here yet.
Uh, being new and all.
I haven't heard
about this Todd fellow.
He's an unbelievable guy.
Totally unreal.
No one has ever disliked him!
Oh, right, right.
Todd.
T-O-D-D.
Your enunciation
leaves a lot to be desired.
I thought you said "Todd."
We did.
If you had said
"Todd" in the first place,
we wouldn't be having
this conversation.
I apologize for our oversight.
Todd. Old Todd.
Good old Toddy. Toddo.
Great guy. Love Todd.
You tell Todd I
dropped by to say hey.
Oh, we will.
Oh, that was close.
My upper lip is moist
with perspiration.
Well, nice work, everybody.
Where did you come
up with the name Todd?
From my mind, where I come up
with everything I think and say.
Well, that's the last load
of my obsolete equipment.
It looks just like
someone works here.
I had a name plate made.
Very nice!
Is Todd in there?
Todd! Todd!
Where the heck
are you, you devil?
Everyone in marketing
is talking about him.
I hear he's amazing.
I just had to meet
him in person.
Todd is away...
on important business.
That figures.
While you two are
lollygagging around,
Todd's having important meetings
with important people.
I don't know how he does it all.
Oh, my, Todd.
Look at all this.
The man must be some
sort of engineering genius.
Why can't you two
have this much
equipment in your cubicles?
It's not really the quantity of
the equipment that matters.
Yes, yes, you're right.
Todd does seem to have
those other intangible
qualities as well...
The kind that make
women love him
and men wish they were women.
Although, I confess,
I've wished that long before
Todd burst on the scene.
He's quite the miracle worker.
Yes, so I'm told.
So I'm told.
Straw into gold,
take your firstborn,
that sort of thing.
Uh-oh, wait a
second. Hold the wire.
That's Rumpelstiltskin,
little dwarf bastard.
We have work to do.
Right! I'll see you two
at the project meeting.
Do you think anything
bad can happen from this?
I don't see how.
And on that, I think
we're all in agreement.
On what?
Haven't you been
paying attention?
Paying attention?
You just walked in
here, sat down, and said.
"And on that, I think
we're all in agreement."
You're saying you don't agree?
It's a difficult point to argue.
Well, you should all thank Todd
I don't fire you
all on the spot.
As the new project head,
it'll be his responsibility to
deal with you dunderheads.
What?
You're letting Todd
head the project?
He's Todd.
You have a problem with that?
Yes.
Looks like I've put
the fear of Todd in
you now, haven't I?
Great.
Now Todd is our project leader.
That means we have to do
his work plus our own work.
Plus my work.
Plus Wally's work, as usual.
That's a lot of work.
But if we reveal
Todd's nonexistence,
we lose our spare cubicle.
There's no way out.
What would Todd do
in a situation like this?
There is no Todd!
We made him up.
I'm not so sure.
He has a cubicle and a job.
That's all I have and I exist.
You don't exist.
I'm probably a bad example.
You'll just have to wait.
Todd gave us a six-hour
lunch break today.
He's allowed...
He's project head.
It's in Todd's hands now.
Uh-oh.
This could only mean one thing.
Mr. Catbert, director
of human resources,
what brings you
out of your lair?
I understand you've
been praising Todd.
You could say that.
His personnel folder
is curiously empty...
No photo, no work history.
Hmm. Very, very suspicious.
Uh, Todd works
in mysterious ways.
He won't work at all
if his file doesn't
turn up soon.
You see, I don't
believe in Todd.
You take that back.
There is no Todd.
Todd exists only in your minds.
Where's your Todd now?
Hmm?
We need to give Todd a history
and throw Catbert off the scent.
I'm into the personnel database.
"Create new employee record."
We need a picture of him.
Why don't we make a composite?
Good idea.
I'll morph our pictures and
make Todd in our image.
Oh, no!
We have seen the face of Todd.
And he is us.
According to your records,
every one of your
employees is rated "good."
To be honest, I can't
tell them apart most days.
Hmm.
Doesn't that crush
their motivation
and eliminate
their will to live?
They do walk around with
their shoulders drooped,
but I assumed they
weren't drinking enough milk.
Well, that's all well and good,
but we can have more
fun with them than that.
We can?
We can punish them arbitrarily.
We can do that?
We can if we make
it look like a policy.
The new policy is
that all work groups
must have a proper distribution
of performance ratings.
At least 20% of your employees
must be ranked
in the lowest rating.
You mean... unsatisfactory?
Lower.
Incompetent?
Lower, lower.
You... mean...
Exactly.
If the beloved Todd
is rated highest,
followed by Dilbert and Alice...
well, I think you
see where I'm going.
Can you give me a hint?
Wally, I had to lower
your performance rating
from a solid "good"
to our lowest rating,
which is "retard."
Retard?
I know, it sounds harsh,
perhaps even
"politically incorrect,"
But our new policy is to
have a normal distribution
of performance reviews,
and with Todd
taking the top spot,
well, it just wrecked the
curve for the rest of you.
I guess I'll get used to it.
You will.
But you'll do it somewhere else.
It's company policy
that I fire anyone
who is at the lowest rating.
The strange thing is that
I suddenly feel motivated.
Run along.
This is the greatest injustice
there could ever be.
Yes, sirree, Bob.
We'll keep in touch.
We will?
No.
I just say it to reduce
the awkwardness.
Well, so long.
I'm a free man.
This isn't right.
If we hadn't created Todd,
Wally would still have his job
and we wouldn't have to be doing
Todd's work plus our own.
Todd must die.
We will kill Todd so dead
that no one will ever know
he existed in the first place.
I'm not usually in
favor of killing people,
but this does seem justified.
How do we kill someone
who doesn't exist?
Indirectly...
We'll ruin his reputation.
Todd is about to become
the most incompetent
project leader
in the history of the world.
Send an e-mail in Todd's name
to all employees.
Very good.
What's the worst
product idea in the world?
How about that
Face-lift In A Can product
we introduced
about five years ago?
The one that shrunk your head
to the size of a grapefruit.
Perfect.
Todd is going to suggest
reintroducing
Face-lift In A Can.
His reputation will
surely be ruined.
E-mail from Todd.
Face-lift In A Can?
That just might work.
Try it, dude.
If you don't, you're a loser.
Can't we just get
something pierced
like an eyebrow or something?
What if it makes my head
tiny for the rest of my life?
Shaa!
Piercing is so passé.
Shrunken heads is in.
Do me first.
Cool. Cool.
Okay, do me.
All right. Yeah.
Lookin' fine.
It's unbelievable.
Just unbelievable.
I'm dumbfounded.
And flummoxed.
And...
Thursday.
Well, I guess that's
the end of Todd.
Yep, or it would be,
if it wasn't for the fact
that it's the biggest success
the company's ever had.
What?
Would anyone like to
join me in praising Todd?
Face-lift In A Can is
our new flagship product.
We have a hundred-percent
market share
in first-week sales
of one billion dollars,
which, I have it
on good authority,
is more than a million
and less than a skillion.
Oh, no. That can't be right.
Apparently, head shrinking
is the new "in" thing
kids enjoy doing to themselves
to shock their parents.
Now, I want you to get
cracking on a follow-up:
Amputation In A Jar.
Maybe this is a
good time to tell you
we were responsible
for Face-lift In A Can.
Todd had nothing to do with it.
How dare you?
This is Todd's work.
Why, if I was 30 pounds lighter
and 30 years younger
and 30% stronger
and, uh, uh... 30 times taller,
I'd pop you one!
Now, you all ought to get up
and march into
Todd's cubicle and beg,
yes, beg...
grovel for Todd's forgiveness.
I'll be in my office
doing some very important
high-level breathing.
Don't answer it.
But I can't stand
a ringing phone!
Deal with it, Howard.
This is the only way.
If we don't answer
his phone or his e-mail,
if we don't reschedule
his appointments
and stop juggling his calendar,
if we don't do any of
his errands or his work,
then Todd will return
to the nothingness
from which he came.
It may mean losing the cubicle.
It's a small price
to pay for our sanity.
Why are you all
loitering in Todd's cube?
We were just...
waiting for him to return.
Well, when he does,
tell him to pack his stuff.
Why? Is he fired?
No, no.
I should say not.
He's getting a corner office.
An office?
I've been at this lousy
company for 10 years,
and I'm still in a cubicle,
and he gets a corner office?
That's it. It's over.
How can I put this delicately?
Todd is dead.
Before you go on,
let me thank you
for putting that so delicately.
It was really quite thoughtful.
Todd never was.
He isn't! He never will be!
He never existed.
We created Todd
in our own image.
We made him, and
now we've destroyed him.
Are you done?
Yes.
Good. That's the confession
I was waiting to hear.
Take them away, boys!
These are them what killed Todd.
It's all a big mistake!
There is no Todd!
Oh, my next correspondence
to Mama and Papa
will certainly be a tale of woe.
Tell us what happened
and we'll recommend
a light sentence.
Nice try, but I
happen to understand
a little thing called "the
prisoner's dilemma."
Is that so?
You have no physical
evidence of a crime,
so you can only convict us
if one of us rats
out the others,
and since we're all
aware of that fact,
no one will rat out anyone
and we'll be free in
a matter of minutes.
It was all Dilbert.
I told him not to
chop the body up,
but he insisted.
He said that's how he
gets rid of all his victims.
Oh, hi, Dilbert.
Alice!
He has always been evil.
I felt it.
But I never knew how evil
until he would not
stop plunging that fork
into Todd's body.
I stopped counting at 100.
Oh, God.
Hello, Dilbert.
Asok!
May I have that
ice cream sandwich
you promised me now?
Look, we've got
enough on you right now
to put you away for
the rest of your life,
plus 30 years.
Plus 30 years?
That doesn't make any sense.
Why not give me life
plus a thousand years?
Keep pushing.
This can't be happening.
All I wanted was some
extra cubicle space.
That's all I wanted.
Hello?
Yes, this is Todd.
Todd? How do we know it's Todd.
How do we know
this is not an act?
An act of Todd?
Is Todd's word not
good enough for you?
Sorry.
Now, listen carefully.
I'm working on a top-secret
project for the government.
All I can say is it, uh,
has something to do
with the government,
and... it's a secret.
But you're alive...
Alive and well?
Do I sound dead to you?
Unenthusiastic, maybe.
Flat, affectless, but not dead.
Precisely.
Now, I've got to go.
I've got to go do
something with this, uh...
secret government thing.
I understand. Good luck.
Yeah, whatever.
You lucked out, Judas.
Dilbert.
You're free to go.
And you can thank Todd.
Oh, I will.
I will.
How'd I do?
Not well, but it doesn't matter.
People want to
believe Todd exists.
So anything you say
in the name of Todd
people will tend to buy.
You see, you can play Todd,
but you still can't
play Dogbert.
Amen.
Well, back to work.
Maybe I'll try a limp.
You realize Todd's
now a billionaire.
And a Nobel prize winner.
Don't forget the
special law they passed
that allows him
to be a bigamist.
Now, that was a coup.
I understand, after
he saves the rain forest
and all the endangered species
and feeds the starving,
he's coming back
to town and opening
an actually fair-priced
electronics store.
Get out of here.
That's Todd's word, not mine.
I just saw Todd!
You're just drunk.
That's just what Todd would say.